The 2nd or 3rd Annual (honestly....who can be bothered to check)Blob Year in Review

2008 was a difficult and momentous year worldwide and things were no different here at The Blob. A marked decline hereabouts in post production coincided with the international economic meltdown and the growing threat of global warming (and my stint in rehab for an on-line word game addiction didn't help either). Still, I averaged almost 1 post every 3 days which is a lot better than say, the sultry Maureen Dowd with her addictions (I'm hoping sex and over the counter pain medication!!) and I include pictures and The Blob is free!!

The year started off like a house on fire, January coming in with a whopping 14 posts (all quality and some of them golden). The "I Have a Dreamsicle" ad of January 22nd Tastelessness in Advertising was 1st among equals with Honourable mention to Viagra Noodle Man with too much time on his hands and a brilliant idea seeking investors. (Jan.23).

February, with 12 posts was a solid month and the fan favorites were (yes..a tie) from the 12th day titled: The Blob Book Corner and from the 7th:Write if You Get Work

March and a hefty 18 posts!! St. Patrick's Day Tribute!! with it's lovely tale about the origins of the Irish style of dance was a personal favorite.

April...15 posts...winner: Yesterday "T".....Today "A" (happy now??!!??) all praise YouTube.

May...13 posts...How can I not cite the post concerning my past love, Michaelle Jean: Hey Sarkozy; Get your Brie covered hands off of her!!!

June...13 posts...toss up: Setting the Record Straight , Worst Movie Ever!! both featuring Blob regular BoneMikester.

July....way down to 8 posts and winner by virtue of its title: Gneiss Cock!!

August..ouch , only 4 posts (but I was away in Alberta): An Important Message from the Editorial Staff I admitted I was addicted to the word game Scramble and Nan Wilkinson was introduced as guest Blogger

September...a respectable 8 posts...#1: A Dog's Life Nan's swan song.

October...2 posts...let's move on shall we??

November...only 5 posts, but still.... Blob Update - The 1st Fifty Years OK maybe a somewhat self indulgent choice but it's my blog. Bite me!

December...7 posts...not too bad. Those naked Japanese girls playing trombones = No contest: Bush de Noel

Just enough time for some sushi before 2009. Oh yeah, my resolutiuon for the coming year: No more hi fives, celebratory or ironic. The fist bump is more sanitary and will be seen as a sign of solidarity with the Obamas. Happy New Year etc.

Follow the Bouncing Balls

The end of the year is nigh and it's time to tie up a loose end or two. Recently a Blob regular in the guise of Richie Cunningham's Mom, Mrs. Cunningham, wanted some information on Ponzi schemes, the pyramid-type swindle perpetrated by now infamous Wall St. con man Bernard Madoff, for 30 some odd years and only recently uncovered.


Wouldn't ya know it...I have an answer, but like everything else economy related these days it's a bit convoluted. I urge you to bear with me and hunker down, settle in, sit back etc. as I present the new concept of Conspiridence, (that grey area between conspiracy theory and coincidence) and apply it to the current Ponzi situation in particular and the larger field of sociopathic behaviour, especially as it relates to men entrusted with power and/or our money, who should know better.


Those of us who've never come face to face with a con man imagine a Prof. Harold Hill type from the Music Man http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI
(the Simpson's "Monorail Guy" for you kids out there http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC56hnyiP_s&feature=related).
A sweet talkin' fellah who could sell you anything, has almost no regard for others and at the core genuinely believes we're all dumb marks just waiting to be taken. These guys (sometimes gals too) have chutzpah to spare or in other words; the biggest balls in the room.


OK...meat and potatos time: When I first heard about Madoff and the Ponzi scheme (named after Charles Ponzi, one of the most notorious conmen of all time) it occurred to me that by combining two beloved Happy Days character names; Potsie and Fonzie, we arrived at the word Ponzi. That was only the beginning. All three of them have thick, luxurious hair and Anson Williams (who played Potsie) was born in 1949, the very year that Charles Ponzi died!!


By combining Potsie's likeability and trustworthiness with Fonzie's charisma and big balledness we get the archetypal conman persona. In fitting with true conspiridence theory this leads directly to the 3 men who displayed the biggest balls of all in 2008. Here's a little chart I put together that should help out:

All three, presented from left to right in order of testicle size, displayed unparalleled hubris:

• Edwards by running for president as an earnest defender of the downtrodden while cheating on his devoted, cancer ridden wife.


• Blagojevich, by trying to profit from a great moment in history (thereby tarnishing it and Obama in the process), refusing to relinquish power once arrested, and today, after attempts to sell the senate seat backfired, appointing a new Illinois senator despite pleas not to.


• Bernard Madoff, by running a scam for 3 decades that bilked billions from reputable charities and trusting investors alike destroying thousands of nest eggs in the process.

In the grand scheme of things Ponzi with his hair and conartistry leads to the combined name and personality of Potsie/Fonzie who channel the hair and callousness on to Blagojevich and Edwards and actual sociopathology and Ponzi scheme itself to Madoff!!

Madoff's flimsy pyramid crumbled because the economy tanked and people wanted to cash in their investment gains. He'd never actually invested anything and was just using new investor's money to pay off other investors. Now, with the stock market in free fall, there were no new investors and he owed billions of dollars which he didn't have. Game over

That's the beauty of conspiridence.....a few baseless inferences, a couple of cobbled together coincidences and you've got yourself a grassroots movement, a book deal and a speaking tour (see 9-11 conspiracy theories). I guess it's true what they say about a sucker being born every minute...now buy my book.

THE BLOB CHANUKKAH SPECTACULAR!!!

It's here again...the Festival of Lights, the celebration of spiritual renewal made tangible by the rededication of an ancient temple by a hardy band of warriors and the miracle of the sacred oil that burned for 8 days when lo, there wast nary enough for one.
Crank up those menorahs (the candle thingies), fry up some latkes (traditional dish made of equal parts oil, potato, and salt) and bring out the dreidels (spinning 4 sided tops) for a rousing game or two...it's Channukah time again!!! It was the finest story of all until the darn Christians came along like an obnoxious guest at a not too bad party and one-upped us with the so called "greatest story ever told!!" (so they have a better marketing department...big schmeal)
Let's first take a look back in the archives...and you thought dreidels were just for kids!!
http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2006/12/with-chanukkah-fast-approaching-its.html
http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/12/channukah-goes-chai-tech.html

This year the excitement ante gets ratcheted up a peg with news that Nintendo and it's wildly popular Wii console have added a virtual dimension to the traditional game of chance. All the action that we've come to love is still there only now we twist the controller and operate a joystick/thumb lever to spin the small toy. The suspense builds to a fever pitch and the boys in The Blob test lab were up all night waiting to see who'd come out ahead as the top came to a halt...gimmel, shinn, beth, noon...which Hebrew letter would it be and who would collect the wagered passel of cyber-walnuts??!!?? Allergic to walnuts?? Change the option setting to almonds or raisins. It's as easy as tweaking a couple of knobs!!
Buy the premium addition and build and kiln fire your own dreidel on-line. Clay so life-like you'd swear it was the real thing..."I almost plotzed" said Lou Haberman of Haberman Toys Inc.

Bush de Noel

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Blobophile of the Year - 2008 Edition

It's hard to believe that another year has come and gone and that the holiday season is once again upon us. It's a special time with that heady blend of good cheer and masochism tinged by nostalgia for a simpler time when people hated each other a lot but nobody talked about it too much.
2008 was a momentous year around the world and here at The Blob it was an important and transitional period as well.
A regular contributor (Mama C.) turned me on to an on-line boggle type game and I ended up in rehab. The reins were handed over to a contest winner named Nan Wilkinson and the tone around here changed to the point where I had to cut short my stay and return to man the fort once again.


While I've not fully recovered (today, for instance, is not such a good day) and post frequency is way down, that shouldn't stop us from celebrating the 1st annual Blobophile of the Year award.

So many people graced these pages in 2008, either as contributors or subjects, that it was hard to make a final decision, but with the help of my editorial staff and the good folks at Tim Horton's (thanks for the extra crullers Saleema!!) we managed to close the deal during the wee hours of the morning.
Our policy is simple: The person or animal, real or fictional, who created the most buzz.
The short list came down to:

• BoneMikester....that voice in the wilderness who with his many alter egos, sturdy British sensibilities, and flare for the language of Shakespeare, proved time and again that the study of euphonium in one's formative years should be encouraged.
  
• Troy Huber with his acerbic lethargy.
  
• Maria Callous who added a certain foul-mouthed, busty, drunkenness and always at the exact moment when we needed it most.
• Turd Stuffington who is a dependable and stalwart champion of good
  
• Nan Wilkinson; ditto
• Barack Obama...(I'm hoping for an invitation to the inaugural ball)

We argued well into the night and when the dust settled we all agreed that there was, at the end, only one real choice.....a man who has battled adversity, faced down the naysayers and who will always remember 2008 and as a year of triumph. I proudly give you the new Blobophile of the Year!!




Bravo BoneMikester!!! Your prodigious accomplishments in the field of prodigiousness have provided ample fodder for posts and opinion and even as we go to press, thanks to you, a raging controversy stirs in the comment section. Tobias Funke would have to agree that whatever you write and no matter how concise or long-winded, you never fail to get a rise out of us (I meant; "make us have an erection" in a metaphorical sense.)

Congratulations again on your well deserved victory!!!!!!!!!

Explicking the Inexplicable

From the office of Her Excellency the Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean, Governor General of Canada


Dear Blob,
Something just happened and I'm still not sure what. One day I'm a figurehead (some would say the "hottest" political figurehead ever!) and the next thing you know I'm whisked away from my usual routine of international travel, ribbon cutting, gala dinners and handing out medals and awards...whisked away I say, and forced to return to Ottawa to decide a constitutional crisis. After more than an hour alone in chambers with Prime Minister Harper I opted for prorogation(?) but I'm still not exactly sure what that is. Blob...did I do the right thing??
Also, I'll be in Montreal for a puck dropping ceremony (or some such thing). No matter how hard I try I can't forget that fabulous weekend we spend some years ago...any chance of a do over?
xox
Mickey J

Michaelle...how wonderful to hear from you once again. I must begin by saying in all honesty that the jury is still out on whether or not you're the hottest GG in our nation's history. The extremely handsome Lord Tweedsmuir caused quite the stir during his tenure in the late 30's and many a wealthy Canadian socialite fell under his amorous spell.





A note from the management: The following half of this post was initially lost due to a technical malfunction and what you will read hence has been painstakingly reconstituted from hazy recollections and fragmentary shards of memory. This has taken a considerable emotional toll on the author.



Don't count me among those in his camp though....I still find you way more attractive (way!)

Now, about your question.

• Economic crisis hits yet minority government seems reluctant to make any dynamic moves.


• Prime Minister Harper decides to save a few bucks with some hard ball politics; vows to slash a vital source of funding for the already financially strapped, leftist, arts loving, opposition thereby increasing the likelyhood of a majority next time around.


• "Not so fast!" say the 3 opposition leaders who threaten to topple the government and form a coalition.(Dion- see: post-nasal drip, Layton-Pinko, Duceppe-separatist....yes, separatist)


• This Michaelle, was where you were brought in.

If any good has come of this it is that we have become acquainted with the word PROROGUE, sourced etymologically by Webster's as: PRO - 1866, shortening of professional and ROGUE -
An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal.

...a more than adequate synonym for our Prime Minister but today used to mean putting the government on hold. By opting for prorogation you've more or less butted out and allowed for a little breathing room for all parties concerned. Countries such as Israel are routinely run by coalitions and they end up with a small ultra-orthodox religious party called Shas wielding the balance of power. We don't need Gilles Duceppe and the quasi-religious Shas Quebecois calling the shots here so thanks Mickey, for doing the right thing. Seeing you leap into action like that, even though plagued by uncertainty, kind of got me reminiscing.

Why not give me a call when you're in town. Let's form a coalition of our own....for old time's sake.

This is the Autumn of my Missed Content

There's some well deserved griping and grumbling in The Blob's comment section and I'll be the 1st to admit that I haven't kept up my end of the bargain, which is that I must provide regular, entertaining posts and you have to do dick all!!

Unfortunately I've had to work and I've also been dealing with a well documented addiction to an on-line word game. Throw in the economic meltdown, global terrorism and warming and you've got a recipe for disaster for a well meaning blogger who's a skilled procrastinator (more about this later).

Now the holiday season is upon us and I'm taking off for Quebec City for 5 computer free days.

Hmmm...looks like David Jerome has another book out just in time for Chrismukkah and an unlikely book it is since it's fictional spokesman is as goyish as they come.
The premise is novel and promising: Turd Stuffington's son, Turd Jr. is now 13 and he is only just learning of such unfamiliar things as sex and Jews. One afternoon Turd Sr. sits his son down for a talk and we're all privy to his words of wisdom. Rather than me explaining the rest, here's a brief snippet:


"What's a Jew??" Why son...I thought you'd never ask.
I guess you could say that a Jew is the same as you or me except they don't believe that Jesus was our Lord and Saviour. That means they can't get into heaven and certain country clubs. The thing that really makes Jewish boys different than you though, besides the dangly bit of skin at the end of your penis, is the Bar Mitzvah; an ancient ceremony where a Jewish boy, at the age of 13, becomes a Jewish man!
As Christians we do this in a very different way and it has a lot to do with what the legal drinking age is where you happen to live.

And so it goes as our favourite astronaut/talmudic scholar (who knew??) delves into the arcane world of Judaism, with it's numerology, dietary laws, lavish post-bar mitzvah spreads, and impressive sweet tables.
You should only live long enough to read and enjoy this book.






Dreidl Boy is coming!

Finally!!

Jonathan Deere writes:

Dear Blob,

I am a frustrated prairie boy from Winnipeg. I have discovered, from playing hours and hours of Wii, that I am a kick-arse Skier. The problem is that the only ski hill in the area is an old trash pile that has been grassed over. I think they have done a poor job, cause I can't seem to ski worth a gopher's dingle down that thing. I have aspirations of fame, money and many beautiful ladies knocking down my door. I am at a loss, please help me figure out this dilemma.

Bravo Jonathan, if that really is your name and you're not one of my stupid, alter ego posting friends (and by "stupid" I mean excellent). It's been a while since anyone has taken my mission statement seriously. It's there, on the masthead, for all to see and yet it's taken you Jonathan, a fine young man from our nations mosquito capital, to bring us back to The Blob's raison d'etre.
Before I get to the advice part of my response I have some business to attend to:
Apparently gopher dingles are a dime a dozen out there, or so you say. I happen to know a Chinese herbalist who will pay you most handsomely for as many as you can get your hands on. He tells me that back home in the Orient they refer to them as "prairie viagra" and the slogan is "ground Gopher Penis powder.....the new ground Tiger Penis powder!!!
He guarantees that the dessicated gopher dick will "make you lady happy all night!"

OK...skiing in Winnipeg. The short answer is that you should do what most Manitobans end up doing; move to Alberta. Failing that I'd stick with the Wii-ski, but come winter buy a huge LCD TV and open a few windows while you're playing. Thanks again for the question. Now get out there and start harvesting those gopher dingles­!

Blob Update - The 1st Fifty Years

This is my blog and I choose to write about matters that are important and/or of interest which is why I rarely if ever use myself as the main subject of a post. This weekend however I must stray from that policy because the countdown has begun to my 50th birthday, now only 3 days away.
A party will be held in honor of the occasion and for Blobophiles worldwide this will be a veritable gathering of the clan. For starters, the event will be held at the home of Party Bear, his long suffering wife Mama C., and their adorable minx of a daughter, Maria Callous. Add Dixx to the mixx, the prolific BoneMikester (!!!!!) and you've got yourself a party, but get this.....straight from his parent's basement, Troy Huber will be there too, and all the way from Calgary, my GF, the one and only Beneficent Beaver, has already arrived early for what we here at The Blob like to refer to as a "fault-finding mission".
On this occasion and this occasion only I'd like to resort to that journalistic trick shot; the interview with myself...

Blob: 50 years old....wow. There are many who knew you as a teenager who'd never have bet that you'd have made it this far, let alone procreate (and 3 times, noch besser!). How are you feeling as the big day approaches?
Blobele: To be honest up until a couple of weeks ago I was feeling great! Young, vigorous, I really felt the same as I did when I was 20 only with significantly less money.
Blob: Are you saying you're not feeling well now?
Blobele: Well, I was just getting to that. One of the great joys about being a freelancer is the that the "free" refers to the vast amount of time you have to spend with your kids. Time that a regular 9 to 5 type of guy could only dream of. Unfortunately my kids go to school and also have friends that they do stuff with on the weekends so I rarely see them except when they need lifts. I've taken to playing pick-up hockey at the local indoor rink and with this increase in robust, physical activity I've also had an increase in robust, physical injuries....a wrist here, a groin, knee, or ankle there.
Blob: So that's why 50 isn't all that you'd hoped it would be??
Blobele: You like interrupting people don't you? As I was saying....
Blob: sorry....
Blobele: As I was saying!! I've got all these minor twinges and now my GF Phyllis shows up after she's done a few weeks of hard labor putting up fences on her acreage. She's in even worse shape than I am so between the two of us; disabled, rickety, and pain ridden as we are, there are maybe two pages of the Joy Of Sex that we can get through, and one of those is just about talking about sex. The moreBlob: So there are just some positions, in fact most positions, that are too uncomfortable?
Blobele: What the hell did I just say??!!?? Christ you're annoying! If you'd just shut the fuck up and listen for half a second you wouldn't have to ask all these stupid questions.
Blob: Whaddya mean "stupid"? You're stupid for thinking that anyone, even your entertainment starved readers, would care what you have to say about your friggin' birthday. Look outside...see all those people walking aroung out there? They all have birthdays every single year and so do all their friends (ed. note: leap years not incl.). Nobody really gives a shit about your birthday. So their having a party...BIG DEAL!! Why don't you just get back to writing your funny little poems and your hackneyed observations. Maybe it's time for another movie satire. Hey here's an idea; make fun of the new James Bond flick! Just of the top of my head...ummm.... "Quantum of Scoliosis", Quantum of Shoelace", "Quantum of Sol's Ass"...
Blobele: fuck you

Monk See - Monk Duel

True story: Back in 1971 my folks took my brother and me to Israel. One of our stops brought us to one of Christendom's most sacred sites, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. The place is a claustrophobe's nightmare, reeking of antiquity, the dank stones and crumbling masonry of the entryway were less than inviting, so we decided to stay outside as my parents grabbed a tour guide and disappeared through the narrow doorway.

Ornately clad holy men and heavily armed militia patrolled the area (how Isrealish is that??!!??) as my bro and I looked covetously at the lone chair and then back again at each other. He broke first and I made a mad dash immediately...I grabbed a shoulder, he elbowed my face, within seconds we were a tangled mass of pre-pubescent flesh rolling and flailing away, supposedly on the very ground where Jesus was buried and resurrected!!

A Greek Orthodox monk seperated us just as our horrified parents emerged from the church

Little did we realize that our tussle was merely one in a series that has continued sporadically for centuries and indeed, to this very day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snpeMkBip6U

Check out the beautifully executed "falling crucifix" full body slam, (12 seconds) the signature move of Father Anasthasious "the Meathook" Christopoulos and then watch as he more than lives up to his nickname at 30 seconds with a vicious left to the chin of Father Hadar "the Springform Pan" Tarkmanian.

A little research reveals that in order to achieve peace, an arrangement called "the status quo" was reached in 1852 that split church duties, privileges, and designated areas, between the various denominations. True to the human spirit and especially where questions of religion are involved, this solved nothing. Check out this wikipedia quote: "Establishment of the status quo did not halt the violence, which continues to break out every so often even in modern times. On a hot summer day in 2002, the Coptic monk who is stationed on the roof to express Coptic claims to the Ethiopian territory there moved his chair from its agreed spot into the shade. This was interpreted as a hostile move by the Ethiopians, and eleven were hospitalized after the resulting fracas."

Indeed, the place is in bad need of renovations but since all groups must agree almost nothing gets done. A ladder placed above the entrance in the 1800's remains there to this day (I swear!!)

No one denomination controls the entrance way but in 1192, Saladin, in his infinite wisdom assigned responsibility to two nearby Muslim families...twice each day, a Joudeh family member brings the key to the door, which is locked and unlocked by a Nusseibeh. Problem solved!!

This next video is also very special and no....it's not hi-lites from PyroCon-2006, the annual convention that brings together pyrotechnicians, fire safety experts, arsonists, and pyromaniacs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys8hNr7BZ70 It's actually footage of Christianity's longest running miracle, that of the "Holy Fire": a flame that spontaneously combusts (yet will not burn human flesh) and that does so on the day before Orthodox Easter every year, or at least as so documented since 1106.

Watch as the devout pass their hands through the flames (pulling them away just before they get singed, as fate would have it) and don't let yourself be fooled by tales of white phosphorous. It's readily available in the area and magicians knew of it's ability to ignite when combined with air even back in biblical times. Adding a solvent can delay the reaction by up to half an hour but still...it's a miracle!! Let's not rain on anyone's parade.

As this video attests, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre is a place where, even at the best of times, emotions run high and the suspension of rational thought is an obligation. Hopes of a peaceful rapprochement appeared slim after yesterday's uproar but UFC (ultimate fighting championship) president Dana White has waded into the fray and may have come up with a solution. If all sides can agree then the various disputes can be settled with sanctioned cage matches and all Pay Per View profits will be distributed evenly. White said that he will even spring for the cage.
"The region has a long history of hand to hand combat" said the former Vegas bellhop with a wistful lilt to his voice, "Maybe UFC is finally the way towards peace in the Holy land!"

Ahhhh...That's Better

The Americans got it right for a change and throngs of jubilant people worldwide are relieved and optimistic that this time the 500 pound gorilla in the room is going to shape up, brush his teeth, and stop taking dumps where ever he feels like.

US citizens, almost despite themselves, have re-opened to the world with a bold and in a sense, subversive gesture. They've voted in a brilliant man who is also black and by doing so have signalled a progressive spirit that augurs well for the rest of us.

Today the half of me that's American is filled with pride and feeling a dizzying and giddy sense of optimism. The half of me that's Canadian could really use a coffee as he sits here typing and nursing some nagging hockey injuries.

In the long run this may not make too much of a difference as far as the economy and foreign relations go but there is one thing that the Obama victory forever changes.

Last night at 11p.m. when Barack Obama was heralded as the president elect, 2 centuries of white guilt were flushed out to sea never to return and oh what a glorious feeling it is!!!!

All across the continent, in exclusive country clubs and at private soirées, white revelers partied into the wee hours of the morning, unburdened by the painful shackles of guilt. Sumner Carrington of Lexington, KY. summed up the overall sentiment: "We couldn't be happier and more relieved. Now, of course, I had nothing to do with the race problems of the past...my great-grandfather may have been involved in the slave trade but that's just something we Carringtons have had to live with. Now we're free...free at last in fact and it truly is a cause for celebration!! Let's just hope the Blacks (that's what they want to be called now...am I right??) can just live and let live, leave us be, and stop asking for handouts. It's a terrific time to be an American!!"
And so it is now up to Obama the consensus builder to bridge the divides in office as he did during his campaign. People of all ages, all 5 genders, and all colours voted in large numbers for him and his renewed vision of America. Indeed 67% of Hispanics sided with the Democrats, as did a whopping 96% percent of African-Americans (I'd love to know who those other 4 guys were who went with McCain!!).
In closing and in that spirit here is a small tribute to diversity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fd-MVU4vtU
followed by a celebratory dance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSJHVmpfojA&feature=related
that features a trombone heavy soundtrack, and a gorgeous, barely clad 18 year old, blonde.....HEY....where'd everybody go???

And Awaaaay We Go

Twenty one months of campaigning and today it's all over but for the votin' and the countin'. The smell of history is in the air. It's wafted north of the border, escaped into the jetstream and can be detected in far flung corners of the globe. It's that heady mix of excitement, hope, and fear which is exactly what you smell when you're walking around Manhattan (similar to but not quite the same as a combination of subway fumes, roasting chestnuts, and hobo urine).

When the United States has an important election as this, with its singularly engaging cast of characters, then the rest of the world has little choice but to get all wrapped up in the anticipation and dread. At least we don't have to stand in line outside a highschool in Kansas for 6 hours.

Today is the day when all the undecided voters have to come up with the goods and face the grim spectre of having nobody at all care about them for at least the next four years.

2 candidates with diametrically opposed views on vital issues, dozens of debates and press interviews, hundreds of think pieces, thousands of hours of TV punditry and still....this motley assortment of lamebrains and pompous, attention seeking, douchebags can't make up their minds on a choice that is virtually black and white.

Today is also the day when the Walmart Moms will weigh in and possibly decide the fate of the free world. The press has recently dicovered this important voting block which I heard described as lower class, under-educated, women who shop a lot at Walmart. Only in America can a group of fat, stupid women who have no problem with wearing stretch terrycloth shorts in public wield such clout. This is obviously why Palin/McCain have yet to throw in the towel.

I'd put a link to a Walmart Woman article or two but I know how that scares off many of my ADD afflicted readers. Admittedly, lots more words with no pictures is a terrifying prospect!!

That being said I simply must post the following link to a short but enlightnening audio clip (no reading required!!) Now back to toasting myself in front of the warm , historical glow of my TV.

http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=96329339&m=96329321

The Palin Truth

This particular presidential campaign is historic in many respects and whether maddening, surrealistic, or inspiring it's been a fascinating ride. A good scriptwriter could have come up with an Obama/McCain type scenario and in fact one did during the West Wing's final season where Jimmy Smits played the young , Democrat, candidate of color to Alan Alda's greying, veteran Republican senator and this before Barrack Obama was on anyone's radar. (note to self: possible porn version...The Wet Swing)

Any scribe who tried to insert a Sarah Palin type character into the mix would have been laughed out of the room and yet there she is every day on the news giving her ill wrought opinion and charming throngs of people who genuinely seem to find her inspiring.

There's something important there that has escaped me until just a couple of days ago. Palin and her ilk represent a large, dangerous portion of American society, particularly American I think, in that they are the "stupid driven". Believing in the primacy of the US is one thing, it's a great country and a world leader in many areas, but believing so at the expense of developing an informed world view is more than troublesome. The worst case scenario is an ambitious, not too bright person who combines an unquestioning patriotism with orthodox, mainstream, religious beliefs. It 's the double whammy of self-righteousness and is on display in the following scary video starring Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann (republican, graduate of Oral Roberts U.), a rising star who's facist rant makes Palin look like a friggin' leftist, Rhodes scholar!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mJiF3p0kFw

Her reasoning is so convoluted and flawed, her faith in her convictions so unalterable, that one can readily see how she won a seat in congress by appealing to that vast voting constituency; the even more stupid and somewhat less driven. Here's a nice rebuttal though which saves me the time and effort...many thanks to Gollum look-alike, James Carville: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rj2dMb6fecY&feature=related

And in closing how about giving the last word to Bill Maher:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6khOeOGcxSA

Oh yeah.... as an American citizen I'm registered to vote in Bloomington, Indiana (I voted there as a master's student in 1984, Go Mondale!!). I made the proper inquiries about absentee balloting but never followed up (you know how it is with the TV and the internet...it's a wonder I even clothe and feed myself some days) and as such will not be voting in that important swing state. I suppose I should have known better after what happened in the 2000 US election and this important video details the worst case scenario. Please watch: http://www.cnnbcvideo.com/index.html?nid=AkAcpOQJCocSOn1pj.gvwDQ3MzUzNTI-&referred_by=11806231-5rvpwux

PLASMA

Ed. Note: The word plasma has nothing to do with the following post and everything to do with an offer by Mr. Troy Huber to pay $80 US for its inclusion in the title box. If anyone else out there wants to see their favorite word or words proudly displayed on the masthead a similar deal can be arranged.

"Where the hell have you been ??" you may rightly ask, after all, its been close to a month with no posts and this at a time when the world is spinning out of control and great social and political upheaval is the order of the day. Why did I not weigh in when the Chinese, not happy with using melamine to kill cats and dogs decided to put it in milk and other dairy products? I had to give up my favorite snack; Tsing Pao Bear Pancreas Cracker with 3 Cheese Flavour yet remained uncharacteristically silent.

The short answer is that I was taking my cues from John McCain. "What the f%*k!!" you may well exclaim but here.... let me explain.

When the US economy began its meltdown which led to a global financial crisis Senator McCain did the noble thing and suspended his run for the Whitehouse in mid-campaign until he helped find a solution.

How could I in good conscience keep writing my pithy crap while there was serious work to be done? I made a tough decision and suspended publication of The Blob while I took time out to work out my own answer to the problem. It was the right thing to do and despite the gentle coaxing and some light cajoling by my readers I took the time necessary in order to fulfill the task I had set for myself. I believe I've succeeded!




The Blob Economic Model: Towards a New Beginning

The Problem


Let's first take a look at the problem in a nutshell: The American dream holds that through grit and hard work you can rise up to a higher class than the one you were unfortunate enough to be born into....you can pursue happiness and, with a bit of determination, catch it! Unfortunately
there are millions of hardworking, not very well educated Americans working full time for poverty level wages that were led to believe that they could be homeowners and were given mortgages with no money down and no way of paying for them.

The greedy bankers were not regulated and soon they were selling these worthless mortgages to financial institutions all around the world (something called fiscal derivatives...don't ask, although Phiscal DeRivative works very nicely as a name...I see him in a smoking jacket...but I digress)

Anyways, no one has had the nerve to tell Americans, the world's most prolific consumers and credit pigs, that they were living beyond their means and now the shit has hit the fan.

Financial guru Alan Greenspan only yesterday issued his mea culpa thereby placating many of the pundits and analysts who finally have a bona fide Jew to pin the whole thing on but what has been done to fix the mess?

As best as I can tell they've borrowed from Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe and have begun printing up money and giving it away to prop up the economy. Something tells me this may not work.

Almost a year ago (oct 31, 2007 archives) in what many are calling a stunning act of prescience I published The Blob Theory of Napkin-based Fiscal Responsibility. Please go back and take a look.

I still contend that if we'd all practiced this policy there'd be no mess today but a mess we have, so how to clean it up?


The Answer

The recession is here and since it was greedy/stupid Americans that started it. it only makes sense that they should be the ones to put us in the clear. What is needed is an economic driver so irresistable, so powerful, that the world's banks will stop holding on to their money and begin spending and investing once again.

This driver should be something Americans already do and do well or better than anyone else, it should constitute a basic human need, it should have a proven track record and involve a renewable resource that can be mass produced at little cost but reap great profit. I'm talking of course about porn. It's time to ramp up the sex flick industry and get all Americans on board with a spirit of national unity not seen since the war effort of the 40's or Farm Aid.

From small cottage industry shorts to major studio productions with "A list" actors and actresses, the films that power the internet would now power the global economy as never before. Imagine an Angelina Jolie facial or a gang bang scene in Ocean's 12"!!.....Daniel Craig in "Quantum of Fuck" etc. Are you trying to tell me that there wouldn't be huge theater lineups, ticket riots etc?? Money would be changing hands faster than pancakes and the films would cost almost nothing to make. No CGI effects, no expensive locations, pure profit.

There is a risk that all the extra sex will cause a population explosion at a time when we can ill afford one but worry not. All indicators point to an Obama presidency and if he has his way with supreme court appointments then baby killing will be entrenched in the constitution once and for all (at least according to most right wing radio hosts).

At press time the plan is still in its formative stages and I still need to work out a few kinks (note to self: leave kinks in...niche market considerations).

It's great to be back!!

It's The Stupid Economy

In 1992 then Clinton advisor James Carville coined the mantra "It's the economy, stupid!" and it was that focus that helped lead to a democratic victory. Now 8 years of the Bush regime is leaving behind such a monumental mess that no catchphrase can hope to narrow the issues down to a singularity.



I have to hand it to both McCain and Obama though...wanting to preside over this is either a sign of great patriotism and leadership or deluded, masochistic, madness.



As always I like to look for the silver lining. It now appears that I, a musician with grade 10 math and no backround in economics could have done just a good a job at running the major US financial institutions as the now disgraced CEOs and their henchmen and from the looks of things I have more than what it takes to be vice president of the world's most powerful nation. Those are couple of pretty nifty feathers in my cap if I say so myself!!

Most of us are dazed by the continuing stream of bad financial news. I wouldn't know a derivative from a T Bill (but I could learn if the money was right!!) so here are a couple of educational clips: http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-colbert-report/full-episodes/#clip93989

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94928783 (click on "Listen now" for the story...warning: not funny but with moments of brilliance)



More troubling still is Sarah Palin and her visit to New York. It was a whirlwind trip with a visit to the UN (including a reporter free meet 'n' greet with several world leaders and a 40 minute interview with Katie Couric on CBS news).


Only a week earlier she sat down at ABC and blanked on the meaning of the term "The Bush Doctrine". I believe that the definition is "government by the doggedly dumb" or a stupocracy and if anything, the Couric stint proves that Palin lives by this philosophy in a way that neo-cons could have hardly dreamed of back when she was just a minor governor/former small town mayor/beauty queen/high school mean girl.
Check out the interview here: (warning: this is extremely painful and may cause gagging)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP12aNzocSc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WkCZV83Cp8&feature=related

Remember that this woman, if elected, will be only a wayward blood clot or a piece of bad chicken (very bad chicken) away from being president. A bold but shortsighted gamble by McCain has failed...watch for Palin to drop out, ostensibly to devote more time to her family.
If they do win watch for tens of thousands of Americans to stream north of the border to escape the stupidity. I for one will welcome these "daft dodgers" with open arms.

A Dog's Life

My elderly neighbor Lily sent this along and it's so beautiful that I had to reprint it. Lily, pictured here with her dog Garner, is recovering from a hand injury she got while greasing a bundt pan. Garner is always at her side.....






The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are Shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"


The Six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."


Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.


Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:


When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.
Take naps
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.


ENJOY EVERY MOMENT





Hi....Nan here again and wasn't that beautiful. I cry every time I read it and look who's home!! PAM!! What's the matter honey??...you look a little glum.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Nan Wilkinson has stopped writing mid-post. Apparently the news is not good and unconfirmed reports assert that 16 yr. old daughter Pam is 4 months pregnant. As luck would have it Blob is leaving rehab after completing only 7 of the 12 steps and is prepared to wade back in, so without further ado:





Wow...it's great to be back but frankly, it's great to be anywhwere other than that Godforsaken rehab centre (BTW thanks to all the staff and especially nurse Gretchen for helping me get back on my feet). I'm deeply sorry about this whole Nan Wilkinson business but certain people who shall remain nameless made decisions without asking me first and they have been justifiably let go. So here I am once again and not a moment too soon!!
That dog post almost made me gag.....not that dogs aren't great, loyal, and loving creatures but the internet has way too much of that maudlin tripe flying around. Here are a few of my internet style Dog Rules for a Better Life:

• If you can reach your balls with your own mouth, go for it!!
• Being rubbed the wrong way is a perfectly good reason to maul a 2 year old.
• By all means...eat feces!
• Take time to stop and smell people's vaginas.
• It's OK if you don't understand anything.
• Just because you're tied to a tree doesn't mean you can't chase birds.
• If they put you in booties and a sweater don't bother marking your territory...you won't fool anybody.

I'll be back soon to tie up a couple of loose ends that Nan left and then hopefully things will be back to normal

Good Clean Fun

It's been a long weekend and frankly I'm exhausted from all the disclosing and explaining with regards to my family. I've taken a few minutes to look at The Blob archives and it seems like fun is right up there on the priority list even though there's alot I don't get and a certain amount of off-colored material that I simply hate. Nevertheless I can have fun too and with that in mind I'll tell you about our last vacation.
Jim and I went to the Atlantic City of Germany...Baden Baden, and had a wonderful time!! We saw among other things, Max Raabe and his fabulous orchestra that simply made me swoon. This is great music from the early 40's, the golden age of the German dance hall. Those must've been such wonderful and carefree days to be in Germany.
I also noticed that on The Blob there is a lot of information about the trombone, an instrument that frankly I had never paid much mind to. A while back on America's Got Talent I was amazed and amused by this young man http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=T9G3TPGGomI&feature=related who surely must be the best trombonist around judging by the audience reponse and the panel's reaction! Please notice as well the great botox job on David Haselhoff's (we saw his show in Germany too) upper lip. That man is a dream and a half with talent to spare!!!!
Well...enough fun for one night. I'll be waiting up for Pam who said she's out for a soda pop with her friend Sally (awfully late for a school night if you ask me) and in a few hours I'll be trying to wake Stephan again. Night all.

About the Boy

It seems there's been a general clamor for information about me from some of The Blob's regular readers. Granted, in my circle of friends I'm known as "the interesting one", but all this attention has got me a tad flustered.

The internet seems to attract the strangest people but I'll have none of it. Still though, that Sarah Palin is so inspiring and if she can come forth will all sorts of info about her family, the joys and sorrows, triumphs and setbacks, then so can little old I.

This brings me to my son Stephan. At fourteen he was an eager highschool freshman, husky and robust with a huge appetite for life and my famous sheperd's pie. He was a starting linebacker for the Saints and had a solid B average. Then came the hip pointer that never really healed. By 10th grade he had to give up football completely and now as a senior...well, things aren't going so well. He kind of got involved with some iffy kids. You know the type, rock music, permissive parents, video games etc. Now we barely ever see him, he comes home from school and holes himself up in his room, doesn't eat, rarely talks to us and when he does insists that we call him "Hunter" of all things!! Jim has taken the belt to him on more than one occasion but even that doesn't do any good. Our pastor says it's just a phase and has had Stephan over to his house for counselling...still no sign of improvement. If any of you out there have had similar experiences and can offer a mother some help it would be most appreciated. Frankly I'm at my wits end.

Jim even got him the manager job on the football team but Stephan would have none of it so in my desperation I let him do some scrapbooking. It's always helpful to me when I'm blue so I encouraged Steph to do a self portrait. I present it to you without comment but with a heavy heart. I get my strength these days from Governor Palin and the Lord. In my book that's a winning combination if ever there was one!!!

Wonderful Woman - Terrible Man

Before I get to the meat and potatoes of this post I'd just like to thank you all for bearing with me during this hectic "back to school" week. As busy as I've been though I've still managed to set aside some time for scrapbooking. It's an important activity that helps me to chronicle the everyday life of the Wilkinson clan in a fun and artistic way. The local craft store; "Crafty Lady" (don't you just love the name ;o) has all sorts of kits that help me with layouts and ideas. Here's a good example dealing with Pam returning to circus school for her sophomore year.

She's such a wonderful child and as limber as all get out...don't you think?? She always turns heads at Sunday sevices with her blond hair (courtesy of Jim) and her slim waist (thanks to yours truly I guess!!) and is quite popular at school or so I'm told!!

I do go on don't I but if a Mom can't brag about her own children then I don't know what this world's come to.

The real reason I'm writing today is because of how proud I am to be a woman in America after the nomination of Sarah Palin. Now I was as ignorant about her as anyone else just a week ago but she came on like gangbusters at the Republican national convention and her tough mindedness and homespun ways are just what this country needs!

As for the terrible man I mentioned in the title let's just say that staying up past 11 was a mistake. I just happened to flip over to the Comedy network when this Jon Stewart fellow was starting his show. I've seen him in some magazines but can't say that I've ever seen him perform...what a rude and obscene man. Here is a clip of him and let me just warn you that it is vulgar in parts and for adults only. I include it to educate the public about the trash that is out there....beware!!

http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart/full-episodes/september-4-2008/

MMMMM Cold Turkey!!!

This may have to be brief....the night staff is just coming on and I managed to get into an unused office. Still there will be mentors, janitors, and nurses lurking so let's get right down to it. I'm sorry....there I said it!! I apologize for being weak, caving into temptation and leaving all my readers in the lurch and what's worse, with that Nan Wilkinson creature.

I agreed to be part of that Better Homes and Gardens contest with the honest intention of increasing my readership but then the bad luck hit. You'd think that my editors in tandem with the magazine people would have done a better job at vetting my replacement and get someone who thinks a little more like I do but noooo...they had to get get some right wing Betty Crocker type and there's more. A simple google search would have indicated her German heritage (and I have nothing against the German people except the Holocaust and David Hasselhoff). It took me 30 seconds to find out that her maiden name was Goring, changed from Goerring, and while she was not related to the infamous nazi Hermann I still find it unsettling, especially in my fragile state.

Her grandfather, a traveling vaudevillian, went by the stage name of Baron Von Guggenheimer and performed as part of a comedy duo with the famed Jewish singing cowboy "Tuck" Weiner, so named for the habit of protecting his family jewels on stage after an unfortunate incident with a can-can dancer.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to get to a computer again but rest assured that I'll post. I've been clean for a week now and can go as much as two hours without anagramming in my head. To keep us from thinking about words they show us a lot of porn and give us nachos and it seems to be working!! Maybe I'll have a little look-see at my Facebook page while I'm here...see how my friends are doing....I wonder who's doing well in Scramble since I left??

Anyways....oh shit somebody's coming...gotta g

Another Public Service Announcement

With the Blobster still in rehab recovering from a scramble/boggle word game addiction relapse perhaps this is a good time to think about the issue. Sure The Blob is all about fun and games but as in all avenues of human pursuit, here too, moderation is the key.

If you find that you can't look at a word without trying to rearrange its letters, if the notion that there is no anagram for the word "sex" turns you off of sex or if the sight or sound of letter cubes give you an erection that last more than 4 hours then perhaps it's time for you too to seek treatment. Let's take a page out of The Blob playbook and take action before it's too late!!

New Beginnings

Greetings to all. Nan here with my very first post and I couldn't be more excited and more beholden to the good people at "Better Homes and Gardens" for choosing me to replace Blob while he's in rehab. You may have noticed some slight changes to the title area....just sprucing things up a bit with the famous Wilkinson touch (more to come as I familiarize myself with the computer...thanks to my son Stephan for his patient tutoring. An extra brownie in your lunch son!!)

Where to begin? I suppose labor day is as good a place as any and the holiday weekend was quite the celebration! We had the folks (Gramps and Sylvia) over and had our traditional backyard picnic BBQ with my famous One Bean Salad (I find mixing bean types to be extravagant) and enough chicken wings to fly us all to Kansas!! Jim was on BBQ detail as usual and managed to outdo himself once again! He is so deft with a spatula and tongs...it truly is something to see and was one of the reasons I was first attracted to him at the Mt. Pleasant High homecoming rally all those years ago.

Anyways, enough about me. September is upon us and so is a new school year. Stephan will be a senior at Mt. Pleasant and will be managing the Saints...the hip pointer is still bothering him so he won't be suiting up. It's quite a shame since he so loves football but at least he'll still be involved with the team.

Pam will be starting her 2nd year of circus school and her hip pointer is all but a thing of the past!!

On a more serious note the editors at The Blob had warned about certain contributors and their vulgarity. It's always been my philosophy that this sort of behavior is best disregarded...you wouldn't throw away a whole meatloaf just because a fly landed on it now would you?? People such as Maria Callous (Pam says she must be a slut) and the very strange Bonemikester (clearly under the influence of some unsavory beverage or another, probably a simpleton easily swayed towards viceful ways...I'll pray for them both) won't stop me from using this forum to spread good cheer and good recipes. Still though I must try to maintain a semblance of the tone that Blob established to keep his readers happy so here's a little off colored joke to close things out:

Incompatability is the secret to a good marriage...as long as he has income and she is "pat"-able!!

Have a great day!!

An Important Message from the Editorial Staff

Blobele, Blobbie, Blobster....call him what you will, but today as we go to press the founder of The Blob is a sick man. We've decided on a policy of full disclosure so as Blobbie puts it "this (hits,his sit, its, tis, shit) doesn't happen to anyone else (seel, eels, eel, lee, lees, sel, ess, els,)."

Let's go back about 30 some odd years to a time when Blob would spend hours every day in close fought Boggle battles with his brother Barry. Days turned to months, school work and social skills suffered as he'd even practice alone when his brother was off becoming a doctor.

You see, Blob was a boggle word game addict and it was only a cold turkey situation brought about by 2 years away at school in the States that saved him. For more than three decades he's avoided the game and has lived a fulfilling and productive life but fast forward to the present and things have changed for the worse.

A well meaning friend and Blob contributor; Mama "the enabler" C, invited him to play a game called Scramble on Facebook. Little did he know that this was their version of Boggle. This explains the lack of posts of late as his addiction returned immediately and with an unexpected ferocity.

Earlier his morning after a family intervention he was carted off to a treatment center babbling an incoherent stream of anagrams. When he is fit to return only time will tell but fortunately our "Write A Blob Post" contest in last month's Better Homes and Gardens has found a winner and we've talked her into taking over for a while. The tone and content may be different than what blobophiles are used to but a little change never hurt anyone. Let us now present to you our contest winner from Wilmington, Delaware...Mrs. Nan Wilkinson!!

The latest from Nan is that she'll be posting as soon as the cakes are done for the bake sale (rotarians first!!) and then she has a bit of scrapbooking to finish up. We're all looking forward to it Nan!!