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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Setting the Record Straight

Maria Callous said...
"What a fag."

This recent quote from the comment section was in reference to my most prolific contributor; Mikexxster. While The Blob is an open forum for free thinkers and the immature I cannot stand idly by and let a friend be slandered even if it is my young and foul-mouthed muse, Maria Callous, who's doling out the calumny.

Before I come to his defense there is a general priciple that I should address....entrenchment.

As we grow older, we, or at least those of us who are so inclined, try to hone our lives; eliminating the dross, turning redundancy into efficiency, identifying and living according to our core values etc.

If we get too deeply into this process before we have found a husband or wife then our prospects diminish significantly. Firstly our stock as a breeder becomes devalued because we've aged but second and most importantly we've become so entrenched in our ways that finding a partner who's just the right fit is almost impossible.

As an example let's take ummm...I don't know....OK, let's take Mikexxster. He's every inch the heterosexual male as his next lady friend will no doubt find out but as each and every year passes, he becomes more and more particular. He has honed and refined his life down to a razor's edge and at this point there may actually be no room for anyone else save for a one in ten million long shot. Still, every 17 years or so Mikexxster, like the cicada (see photo), metamorphoses and seeks a mate.

It's those in between times when he isn't pursuing the opposite sex that give rise to comments such as Maria's.

Living the life of a confirmed bachelor is one thing and his uncanny imitation of the barely closeted Tobias Funke(from TV's Arrested Development) is another but his acting career and in particular his choice of roles is probably the cause of most of the confusion. "Mike of Arabia" was a mistake to be sure but what is one to make of this yet to be released opus.

Take my advice Mikexxster and get yourself a new agent...I'll take a 7% cut off the top and half of all bobble head profits.


Tobias Funke said...

Blobbie!! If you'll allow me, just this once, to put on my "Analrapist cap" as well as my brand, spanking new "Manager's cap"(yes!! it's true!! I'm sooo excited!!) and speak for Mikexxxster out of both sides of my mouth, as it were!! Ha! Ha! After all; somehow, I feel that he IS "The Man Inside Me" (I wish!!!!!!!)!! Ha! Ha! Just kidding (not really!!!)!!!
I didn't really read the original post; I was completely blown (away!) by those haunting, magical blue eyes!!! Who could blame me??? I'm only flesh and blood........... It seems to me......, that,,,.................
Ok, Blob, let's cut to the chase, shall we; and while we're at it, let's cut the crapulous bullshit too!!! 5% off the top, and 20% for the Bobbleheads. My man Mikexxxster deserves no less!!! Final offer!!! You think I didn't learn ANYTHING at Carl Weather's School of Business Acumen???
I don't know who makes me more sick; you, or that trollop, Maria Callous!! But you're right about one thing.....the Mikexxster is a man's man, as his next ladyfriend will most assuredly find out..... (I just hope it's ME!!!!!!!!!)!!! Tobias Funke, Manager ( do you think I'm doing OK, Blobbie?????)

John Patterson-Sexville said...

Now see here, my good man! I won't tolerate any of that slanderous language being used to describe my love! True, Maria has been around the block, as they say, but I don't think that warrants the word "trollop"! In fact, I defy you to use any of the following phrases to describe my beautiful shicksa: ho, ho-bag, slut, slut-monger, whore, gutterslut, gutterslave, guttermouth (ok, maybe that one's warranted...), tart, cleopatra, britney, angelina or carmen! I am coming to your rescue, my darling! I will save you from these seedy men, I will! A pox on you all! This on-going barrage of insults will flock Maria's way no more! En garde, ye old faggotts!

Auntie Mulva said...

Bravo, Tobias for your vigorous defense of the noble Mikester! If only the blob had as good a streak of creative writing as Mikester and his cousin Mike of Arabia have had lately, and could relax on using "fag" as a pejorative term, the blob would be a little more fun! (I want that word back by the way- the way the swisher set has appropriated it for their own purposes is just plain gay!- I mean we used to be able to say "I really would love a fag in the mouth" with impunity!) Keep up the pithy content, guys!

Party Bear said...

Thanks, Mr. Sexville for coming to fair Erica's emotional rescue. Top drawer. Well done. Can we have a look at your credentials? Perhaps we can approve a play-date for you two crazy kids in the future.

Phyllicia Rashad-Granville-Hicks said...

BTW That picture of ole Mikester is so cute it's making me uncomfortable!
Oo boy!

Mama Callous said...

Lovely photoshopping Blobbele! I love Mikexxxster in that flirtatious pose. Kudos.

Yeah, I'd like to see some credentials too, Patterson. We're taking all applications for the hand of our lovely and talented daughter. However, the reality show in question (of course, there had to be one!) will involve a Turandot-like competition, so only those of true manly strength, intelligence and valour will be given a chance to vie for her hand. In fact, the show might have some Taming of the Shrew qualities to it, knowing my fair and comely daughter!Good times (and good ratings) for all!

elizabeth taylor said...

And I thought I had beautiful eyes(!!)................
Oh, Mikexxxster! Call me!! Liz xxxxx

Maria Callous said...

Finally, a woman you're own age! Plus, we know Liz likes the older gay men (Oops did I say that, or just think it???)

underworldprincess2008 said...

Ok, that's quite enough of that. Mikexxxster, you are such a trooper to put up with all this abuse lately. The Prince and I both salute you (Well, maybe him more than me...) Your forbearance is really something to commend. And don't worry, even if you and all your friends secure a place in the pit, you alone will have a place in my (albeit black) heart.

Yours in eternal damnation,

Underworld Princess ('08!)

mikexxxster said...

Where to begin, Blobbie? Where, oh where to begin?????? What with all this attention, my head is spinning!! I feel like the prettiest girl at the dance, and I'm loving it!! Aunty Mulva! Mama Callous! Phyllicia (oh, Phyllicia!! your name puts me in mind of something or other, but what?? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!)!! You like me!! You really like me!!!!
Underworldprincess!!! Will I really have a place in your dark, dark heart (as the song title says, "I can dream, can't I??)????? I know how much you love the music of Benjamin Britten, UP08; do you know the lyrics of the song from his cycle, Serenade for tenor, horn and strings that goes, in part, "the invisible worm that flies in the night, in the howling storm, has found out thy bed of crimson joy, and its dark, secret love does thy life destroy!"......??? ......YIKES !!!.....though right up your alley, wouldn't you say??? See??? We could, as they say, "rub along" just fine!!!
Tobias!! I said 4% and 10%!!!! Arsehole!!! When will you grow a pair?!?!?! Somebody's going to get a good spanking!!!!
Liz!!! Please!!! I've already said no!!! Fuck off and die, already (Ha! Ha! Just kidding!! ((Not really!!!)))!!!!
Maria! Good one!!! You hit that one out of the park!!!
Thank you, Blobele, thank you!!!!! I feel like a new man (but where to find one, eh??? Ha! Ha! Just kidding!!! REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
ol' Mikexxxster

Mr. Pib said...


Your post makes my finger hurt just thinking about it, and not in the good way!

Maria Callous said...

Hey Blobby, what are you doing for breakfast tomorrow (friday)? It's been too long since I've been to the big O (well, not that long *wink*). Call me in the morning.

dixxx said...

Will the competition for Maria's hand involve midget tossing? I hope so..


Farley Mowat said...

There should be a beard grooming component to this competition also. Between the tossing of the little people (which is what I understand they wish to be called) and my hirsute countenance, I'd be a shoe-in!


Maria Callous said...

Sorry, Grandpa. I don't like Communists.

Farley Mowat said...

Don't hate the playa, hate the game my lovely ex-to-be Maria.


I hope you like oatmeal.

Mikexxxster said...

Hey Blobber!! I was up to 52 (!!) on Freerice and then my computer froze!!!!!! My question to you, of course, is Brazen Beaver a WITCH?!?!?! Does she have certain "familiars" that do her evil bidding??? Should she be subjected to trial by water and by fire?????? SHOULD WE BE LOOKING FOR SUPERFLUOUS NIPPLES (I could help you on that one!)?????????
Brazen Beaver!!!! Confess!!!!! CONFESS!!!!!!!!! Your very soul depends on it!! CONFESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
Yours in Christ, Mikexxxster

slapper58 said...

As someone with firsthand experience I concur that Brazen Beaver knows a thing or two about witchcraft, but in a good way. Indeed she puts the romance in necromancy but alas all her consorting with evil spirits and brewing of strange potions is for nought. It is I, in league with Satan himself, who has attained a Freerice score of 57!!! Hard work yes, but nothing motivates like a few well placed jabs from a red-hot pitchfork. Catch me if you can!!

Beethoven lives downstairs said...

As previously discussed, Blob, they are no longer called pitchforks: they are Angry Rods of Power! If you only knew how to properly wield one, then you might not forget its oh-so-suitable name.

Yours in myself (does that sound weird to you too?)

Big S


As my freerice score struggled up to 54, I promptly telephoned my erudite lover to say that one word to him I had so patiently waited to say...... FIFTYFOUR.... for once I had beaten him. the following day he telephoned and said one word to me FIFTY NINE. HE LAUGHED . I growled and screamed. the ensuing conversation was peppered with words I thought only God would remember. He ended it mercifully enough, tho very bittersweet, by saying "honey, I've noticed lately we are having more and more difficulty communicating.... I'm feeling a need for a whole new circle of friends. Honestly, I'm worried, I don't know whats next for us., have I been outgrown?? Mikester, I may be needing an examination for superfluous nipples to restore my sense of self worth..........sigh

slapper58 said...

fifty nine is two words...gawwwd!!

mikexxxster said...

Dearest Benevolentbeaver!
Just to be clear; as far as I'm concerned, there's no such thing as a "superflous" nipple! "Every nipple a wanted nipple(!!)", is what I say!! That's just The Mikexxxster Way!!
No matter how long it might take; no matter where the search might lead (oh, please, God!!!); together, Benevolentbeaver, you and I, we'll find them all!!!!! "Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep* which was lost." (Luke 15:6) Thus spake The Lord!!!
Bounteousbenevolentbeaver!! Your sense of self worth is everything to me (unlike that meshuggener, Blobeleh!! What a putz!!!) and you and your nipples would find a safe harbour in my manly, masculine, yet oh, so sensitive hands!!! That too, is The Mikexxxster Way!!!
Mikexxxster (your humble servant, and indefatigable shepherd)

* According to Biblical scholars, the word "sheep", in this instance, was badly translated; the word that most closely adheres to the original text (and therefore should replace the word "sheep"), is, of course, "nipple".

slapper58 said...

I have to admit to feeling a bit low today and this in contrast to your last comment where you appear so vital, gung ho, and optimistic.
Maybe it's true and you are every bit the man's man you claim to be (in contrast to my meshuggene putziness). In that case all that's left for me to do is the gallant thing and let fair BenevolentBeaver decide between the two of us. Maybe the only superfluous thing she has (sigh) me.
In moments like these the only sensible tcourse of action is to turn to scripture as i often do:

Yea, brother, let me have joy of thee in the Lord: refresh my bowels in the Lord
Philemon 1:20