This is my blog and I choose to write about matters that are important and/or of interest which is why I rarely if ever use myself as the main subject of a post. This weekend however I must stray from that policy because the countdown has begun to my 50th birthday, now only 3 days away.
A party will be held in honor of the occasion and for Blobophiles worldwide this will be a veritable gathering of the clan. For starters, the event will be held at the home of Party Bear, his long suffering wife Mama C., and their adorable minx of a daughter, Maria Callous. Add Dixx to the mixx, the prolific BoneMikester (!!!!!) and you've got yourself a party, but get this.....straight from his parent's basement, Troy Huber will be there too, and all the way from Calgary, my GF, the one and only Beneficent Beaver, has already arrived early for what we here at The Blob like to refer to as a "fault-finding mission".
On this occasion and this occasion only I'd like to resort to that journalistic trick shot; the interview with myself...
Blob: 50 years old....wow. There are many who knew you as a teenager who'd never have bet that you'd have made it this far, let alone procreate (and 3 times, noch besser!). How are you feeling as the big day approaches?
Blobele: To be honest up until a couple of weeks ago I was feeling great! Young, vigorous, I really felt the same as I did when I was 20 only with significantly less money.
Blob: Are you saying you're not feeling well now?
Blobele: Well, I was just getting to that. One of the great joys about being a freelancer is the that the "free" refers to the vast amount of time you have to spend with your kids. Time that a regular 9 to 5 type of guy could only dream of. Unfortunately my kids go to school and also have friends that they do stuff with on the weekends so I rarely see them except when they need lifts. I've taken to playing pick-up hockey at the local indoor rink and with this increase in robust, physical activity I've also had an increase in robust, physical injuries....a wrist here, a groin, knee, or ankle there.
Blob: So that's why 50 isn't all that you'd hoped it would be??
Blobele: You like interrupting people don't you? As I was saying....
Blob: sorry....
Blobele: As I was saying!! I've got all these minor twinges and now my GF Phyllis shows up after she's done a few weeks of hard labor putting up fences on her acreage. She's in even worse shape than I am so between the two of us; disabled, rickety, and pain ridden as we are, there are maybe two pages of the Joy Of Sex that we can get through, and one of those is just about talking about sex. The moreBlob: So there are just some positions, in fact most positions, that are too uncomfortable?
Blobele: What the hell did I just say??!!?? Christ you're annoying! If you'd just shut the fuck up and listen for half a second you wouldn't have to ask all these stupid questions.
Blob: Whaddya mean "stupid"? You're stupid for thinking that anyone, even your entertainment starved readers, would care what you have to say about your friggin' birthday. Look outside...see all those people walking aroung out there? They all have birthdays every single year and so do all their friends (ed. note: leap years not incl.). Nobody really gives a shit about your birthday. So their having a party...BIG DEAL!! Why don't you just get back to writing your funny little poems and your hackneyed observations. Maybe it's time for another movie satire. Hey here's an idea; make fun of the new James Bond flick! Just of the top of my head...ummm.... "Quantum of Scoliosis", Quantum of Shoelace", "Quantum of Sol's Ass"...
Blobele: fuck you
13 comments:
What's wrong with your readership, Blobele? Nobody's commenting anymore. Maybe nobody's reading, come to think of it. I, for one, enjoyed your interview, although your interviewer was kind of annoying, eh? Now that the party's over, how do you feel? Did you enjoy having your friends around you at this momentous moment (is that redundant?) in your life? I hope so. Also, what are you going to buy yourself with your birthday money? Just curious.
Hi Ho, Blobbie!
Exciting news, old friend! My publisher wants to release a second edition of my modestly successful tome, The Man Inside Me.....
and (I know you're going to be thrilled!!) I've decided that it will be dedicated to none other than ol' Blobeleh himself (you're welcome, ol' Blobber, you're welcome!!!)!! And on your 50th birthday too!!! So everybody's happy!!!
I know that I'm "jumping the gun" by telling you this now, but I just can't "keep it in" any longer!! I'm just too pumped ( When my lovely wife, Lindsey ((how she excites me sexually!!! We're still "at it" all the day long, even after all these years, if you catch my drift!!! We really are, I swear to God!!! No wonder I'm exhausted all the time!!! Really! I Swear To God!!!!!)))!!! and I first got married, she always got so frustrated because I would always "spill the beans", as it were, too soon!!! As that devilishly handsome (!!) comedian, Steve Martin used to say, "well; excuuuusse meeee!!!" Ha! Ha! Eh, Blobbie? Ha! Ha! "Excuuusse meee!!!"..............................................................................................................................................
anyway.......... I guess I'm still "spilling the beans" a little too soon....but I felt deep within me (I wish!! Ha! Ha! Just kidding!!! ((Not really!!!))) that you would want to know!!! Be happy, good friend, be happy!! You deserve the accolade!!
Blobber, you know that you've always been one of my favourite writers, along with the likes of Oscar Wilde, John Cheever, Gay Talese, and, of course, Truman Capote......(Wow! What a talented bunch!! I'm not sure what it is about these men, but it seems to me that you fit right in, somehow..........(in my dreams, right, pal o' mine?!?!? Ha! Ha!))
Anyhoo, Blobbie, tell me what you think.........how would you feel about this:
"To my good friend Blob.......truly, The Man Inside Me!!!"
Works for me!!!!! Your bosom pal, Tobias
Hey Blob!! What happened to the "decorous mammae" thang??? And what about that "king of instruments", THE EUPHONIUM?????????
Are you losing touch with your roots???????????????
WHERE'S MARIA CALLOUS/UNDERWORLDPRINCESS, GODDAMMIT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
A Concerned Citizen
Dear Concerned,
I feel your pain, believe me. Why it was just yesterday that I was banging my gorgeous head of hair against the wall, trying to think of funny lines to write in the Blob. So my advice is a classic: Persevere! I believe you can do it and so should you! Let me know how it works out.
Love,
Anne
Hey!!! Anne Landers!!!
Why not, for ONCE, TAKE some advice (yeah, I know; who'd a thought of that?!?!? What a bizarre concept!!!!!!!) ????????
Why not bang your "gorgeous head of hair" against the head-board of your bed (if you catch my drift) instead of the wall.........you'd kill two birds with one stone, and maybe, just maybe, get rid of that smug, superior attitude of yours................................
Sorry, Annie!!! It's just that I'm a little tense myself, these days............
My point is that a rousing game of "couch-rugby" with a worthy opponent is just "what the doctor ordered", more often than not...............
BTW, THIS Doctor does indeed make house-calls!!!
Later!!! Bonemikester Rx
Dear Dr. Bone,
Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately, you're right; I don't take advice, I only give it. So here's my advice to you: Forget couch rugby and join all the cool, hip kids with a game of couch football this weekend! I'm sure it would rejuvenate you to no end. There's nothing better than relaxing with a good stiff one after a long year's wait for this glorious event! Take it all in while you can. Doctor's orders!
Anne
Fear not fair readers. Unfortunately for me, my GF Phyllis will be heading home come Sunday evening. Fortunately for you, however, I'll be able to return to more Blobular pursuits; the posts, replies to comments, and weekly clam bake/touch football game (what??...you didn't know about that?!!?).
I've already got some post ideas lined up, as timely as last weeks news, so stay tuned and never, ever turn to one of the lesser blogs for your required dose of moral and spiritual guidance*.
*(ed. note: The Blob is under no circumstances to be used for moral and/or spiritual guidance)
Hey, Blobber!
Questions, so many questions.............what is it about The Blob that attracts such twisted sickos as this "Anne Landers"????? Why isn't she getting the help that, obviously, she so desperately needs?????? Has the sad, sad case of Nan Wilkerson clogged up the medical system to the point that people like this "Anne" have no other recourse than to prowl the streets, terrifying children, or harrass good people via the miracle of the internets????? What is our world coming to, Blobeleh???? Why aren't these so-called "people" being put to death????? This "enquiring mind" wants to know!!!!!!!!!!!!
One more thought, Blob...........this Dr. Bonemikester has his head screwed on right, all right!!!!! He's awesome!!!!!
You guys are all losers. I'm referring, of course, to Concerned Citizen, Anonymous, Dr. Bonemikester and Tobias Funke. You people need to play some couch rugby and/or remove the exclamation point, question mark, comma, period, and parentheses buttons from your keyboards.
Dear Readers,
Oh what a week and half it's been! Non-stop festivities have finally come to an end, GF Phyllis is back at her Alberta acreage, my 50th B'day is but a thing of the past and I am now well in to my dotage.
Let's answer a few of those questions, shall we? (or queries in the case of Mr. Funke)
I did get a nice wad of cash courtesy of the Clan of the Party Bear and other friends and this will be spent on either a trendy new blazer or repairs on the leaky bathtub faucet/damaged kitchen ceiling. At press time no decision has been rendered....(the mild concussion I got from that falling piece of drywall kinda has me thinking blazer though!).
I,for one, am happy to have the venerable Anne Landers gracing these pages, and from beyond the grave too!! A word of advice: BoneMikester and his many alter egos should chill out and stop acting as though he's some crazed badger protecting his little patch of countryside. I have no problem with him using the comment section as his own sleazy pick-up joint though.
As any freelance musician knows, the Christmukkah gig season is upon us (praise Jesus/Dreidel Boy!!!!!), and posts will be forthcoming when I'm not out there spreading musical cheer and stimulating the economy.
Shame, Blob, Shame!!!
Anne Landers?!?!?!?!? Pfehhh!!! What does she know??? She knows from NOTHING!!!! Don't get me started!!!
On to a more important topic; between you and me, Reb Blobeleh.......lately, I've been feeling a little lost, a little adrift, spiritually......please tell me more about this Dreidel Boy, of whom you speak.........will He grant me eternal life, like Buddy Jesus? Will He bring me presents, like Buddy Jesus's half-brother, Santa Claus? I ask not what I can do for Dreidel Boy; I ask, what can Dreidel Boy do for me????
You see, Rebbe? I want to be more spiritual.......I want to be a mensch, like you (!!).......show me how (just so long as it's not too hard, or time consuming......I DO have a social life to keep up, you know!!!!!))!!!! Show me how, Reb Blobber!!! SHOW ME HOW!!!
Dear Blob,
I am a frustrated prairie boy from Winnipeg. I have discovered, from playing hours an hours of Wii, that I am a kick-arse Skier. The problem is that the only ski hill in the area is an old trash pile that has been grassed over. I think they have done a poor job, cause I can't seem to ski worth a gopher's dingle down that thing. I have aspirations of of fame, money and many beautiful ladies knocking down my door. I am at a loss, please help me figure out this dilemma.
Jonathan Deere
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