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Sunday, January 25, 2009

To the Video Tape


When semi-regular contributor Dixx starts ferreting out gems on the internet I can only sit back and say thank you. He's a kindred spirit, a fellow prospector who, like many of us, enjoys squatting down next to a bubbling torrent of streaming video and panning for those shining nuggets of cyber-gold.
The first clip leads to the 2 he sent for no other reason then that it's first. It shows that people were just as creative and naked in the 80's as they are today:
Here are the 2 amazing ones Dixx sent:
The final clip deals with Flarf, an intentionally awful form of poetry. Often vulgar, always bad, occasionally Google generated, the term, according to Wikipedia, "was coined by Gary Sullivan in late 2000, when he submitted deliberately bad poems to Poetry.com's poetry "contest" (actually a marketing scheme) as a way of testing Poetry.com's supposed standards for excellence. (It should be noted that the practice of Poetry.com-baiting predates flarf itself; many other individuals, including syndicated humorist Dave Barry, have engaged in similar pranks.)"
Apparently all submissions are accepted at the site but you have to pay to get them printed in their anthology....nice. Anyways, here's an example. If you like the 1st one; "Annoying Diabetic Bitch" then keep on listening. They only get worse.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Inauguration Eve...It's "Inspiracial"

This is no time for irony, no time for callousness...... history is about to be made. Haters like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly have cranked up the negative rhetoric but the US voters have spoken and millions will be in Washington tomorrow to bear witness to their own handiwork. Barack Obama is brilliant, full of youthful vigor, insight, and creativity. Our cousins to the south, tired of George Bush and his old school, divisive politics, have overcome centuries of racism to elect an African American and now we wait to see if the promise of greatness will be borne out.

Will there be an economic bailout, will taxes be cut, will there be consensus building, and what of Gitmo, the infamous terrorist detention center that will supposedly be shut down within days.

Hollywood supported Obama all along and now comes news that the TV networks will be tailoring some mid-season replacement shows to be in step with the new zeitgeist.
1st among equals is a new show loosely based on boy terror suspect Omar Khadr, the impressionable Canadian teen with f**ked up parents who has been stranded in Gitmo for years after being accused (wrongly perhaps) of tossing a grenade at a military police officer.
The premise is that he gets released and goes back to high school in the inner city where he is re-introduced to western ways by his prof, the gruff but benign Mr. Hawkman, played, in a brilliant casting move, by a resurrected Donald Rumsfeld!! (he can act too!!) It's a tough school and discipline is a frequent issue...nothing Mr. Hawkman, his associate Hugo and their trusty waterBoard of Education can't handle.
Here's the theme song:
WELCOME BACK KHADR
Welcome back
Obama's shut Gitmo down
Welcome back
to high school in Brooklyn town
You got used to some difficult obstacles
like electrodes attached to your testicles
You can get an education(get an education)
without sleep deprivation (sleep deprivation)
Yeah, he blew up a cop but the charges were all dropped
welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Passing The Reins

Every once in a great while I'll get a question tossed my way that I won't respond to. Not because I don't know the answer or couldn't make one up in a pinch, but because on that particular day I'm too lazy. Today is just such a day...a warming chinook wind has brought relief to the snowbound countryside and so I will luxuriate for a while on the couch next to the picture window as I pass the reins (she supplies her own whip....nice touch!!) to The Blob's resident expert on etiquette and behaviour modification; Miss DeMeanor.




Dear Miss DeMeanor,


On a recent plane flight I was virtually assaulted by the person either directly behind or in front of me. We were all lucky enough to have 3 seats to ourselves, "lucky" I thought, until I realized that one of my neighbours was passing gas every 10-15 minutes. Honestly, the stench was so vile that I could taste it and it hung in the air for at least a minute. Holding my breath didn't work nor did angling the overhead air nozzles. This was not only rude but also anonymous and as such could have led others nearby to assume that it was I who was the culprit. Miss deMeanor, what is one to do in such a situation??

signed,
Puzzled in Pittsburgh


Dear maggot,

This is indeed a difficult situation but not without a few possible solutions. First is; grow a pair, but we know that's not going to happen so let's move on.

Tighter security since 9-11 means that attaching electrodes to the testicles/labia of the presumed culprit is out of the question (plus, if I read correctly, you couldn't tell who it was) as is bringing a gas mask on board...too likely to evoke suspicion.

Perhaps donning a baseball cap with an appropriate message at just the right time would work, maybe unfurling a small banner......
You'd think that the clients who come to my office/dungeon wouldn't dare fart in my presence and yet they do!! They must be gluttons for punishment but again, this isn't helping at all I'm afraid.
Here's a poem my Grand Dad used to read to me (Shelley, I believe) and these words of wisdom may help put things in perspective;
Hast thou ever loosed a tainted zephyr
from twixt thy southern cheeks
Like cutting into ripened cheese
foul Lucifer, it reeks
Exacerbated asthma
by unleashing a miasma
Killed a flock of lark
passing gas whilst in the park
Felled a herd of oxen
just by hissing out your toxin.....
Humble peasant or our Saviour
Tis' but human, this behaviour
Nature doth compel it
so relax, sit back, and smell it
We are but sweet flowers neath the nose of God.
OK you snivelling piece of crap...that's a lot more answer than you deserve. Gotta run, my 12:30 tabasco enema is here (loser).