A Leap of Faith

As mentioned in the last post I'm dealing with a primitive dial-up internet hookup while on vacation and I'm currently facing my first related dilemma. Dixxx (bless his heart)has sent me a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e647x8xFKTs that contains what I assume are warm Chrismukkah wishes from one Fred Phelps. All that I know of Phelps is that he is an outspoken and orthodox preacher who espouses a literalist view of scripture. As a result he and his devout band of disciples travel across the continent preaching the gospel and evangelizing just as they've been instructed to do in the bible.
While I may not always agree with his views I admire his determination and his steadfastness in the face of criticism. There are many who do not take kindly to him but it's hard to argue with his interpretation of scripture...it's all there in black and white.
I can't view the clip because of the interminable download time but if Dixxx sent it in and it's some sort of interfaith message of hope and tolerance from Phelps (which I'm guessing it is because he is after all a follower of Christ who was a kind, tolerant, and forgiving soul)) then I'm willing to take the leap of faith and blindly post the unvetted video clip. (a first here at The Blob)
I trust that the high standards of moral decency and good taste that I've worked so hard to achieve and maintain will be upheld.

On The Road Again

The Blob is hitting the road early tomorrow morning as I head west to spend a traditional homestyle prairie Christmas with GF Phyllis and her family. Posting from remote Priddis, Alberta will prove a challenge as I'll be in a dial-up type situation but with a bit of perseverance things should work out just fine.

As a card carrying member of "the chosen people" (I'd like to ask God exactly what it was that we were chosen for again) I don't celebrate the birth of Christ unless invited to do so by some of my Christian brethren and/or sistren. With a sudden and unexpected drop in airfare and a partial travel grant from The Inter-Denominational Council of Christians and Jews this trip became possible so off I'll go!

Some time tomorrow the entire Jensen clan will troop off onto the back 40 to search for the perfect tree. Soren, the youngest, gets to have the last word on tree choice (as per tradition) and the trimming and bedecking starts as soon as they all get home and set their boots to dry by the ol' forced air heat ducts.

Phyllis will certainly break out the holiday dinnerware and serve up her famous country-roasted muskrat. "The secret is to cook it with the skin and fur intact because it insulates the meat and helps seal in the juices. Just before serving I like to have one of my girls comb out the fur but that's just for presentation....we're having so many folks over this year that I may have to go out and shoot me another one!" laughed the gleeful carnivore.

The Jensens are of nordic heritage and as such prone to depression. This, to me, is the only explanation for the ceremonial unravelling of the scarf which every year seems to put a bit of a damper on the festivities. This tradition involves an intricately woven scarf, preferably hand-made by an elderly aunt or grandmother, that is passed from person to person and gradually unravelled until it resembles a tangled skein of wool. I'm told that it symbolizes alienation and the disintegration of the family. After this doleful interlude its time for dessert, presents, and party games.

Best Christmas wishes to you all. As always keep those comments and queries coming and feel free to help yourself to my stuff. To be fair let's keep it to only one armload per person so we don't have a repeat of last year's "Dave and the U-Haul" incident.

Douchebag of the Year

Everybody.....Everybody has had their say on the Donald Trump/Tara Conner (Miss USA)/Rosie O'Donnel melee. I felt that it was such an obvious target that I wouldn't even bother to lower myself and comment here at The Blob but then I says to myself "Self (I says) who do you think you're kidding?" Certainly none of you out there who know all too well that there are no depths to which I will not stoop.

Here's a quick recap - Tara wins Miss USA and then gets involved in conduct unbecoming of a beauty queen: hardcore partying, underage drinking and drugs, faux lesbian kissing...you know the routine. Rumors spread that Trump, who owns the pageant, is about to fire her but instead he absolves her at a heavily attended press conference. Ms. Conner breaks down in shame and, overwhelmed by Pope Donald's goodness, pledges to enter rehab (the new satcloth and ashes of the sin crowd) and vows to become "the best Miss USA ever!!" For my money the girl on girl kissing with Miss Teen USA already seals the deal!

Next up comes Rosie who trashes Trump who then trashes right back and a breathless world now waits to see if and when the lawyers get involved.

You had to be a real idiot to believe for one moment that Donald Trump would fire the comely pageant winner. The tainted image of the Miss USA pageant vs. the image of Trump as God the most benevolent, the weeping young hottie practically kneeling before him and giving him a Lewinsky right there for the whole world to see...he lives for moments like this.

For what it's worth I predict that Conner will fulfill her queenly duties and that when the year is over will almost immediately appear nude in some mag or debase herself on a reality TV show. Trust me on this one.

Speaking of White Stuff....

I don't want to start relying too heavily on YouTube for Blob content but damn there's a lot of cool stuff on that site.

You know that innocuous looking box of cornstarch in your pantry? This vid features a bit of the starch, some water, and a variable speed, lab-issue vibrator (sorry guys...no Asian chicks). Watch it till the end and I guarantee that it will freak you out!!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MILgZLzJVw

The Inconvenient Truth That Dare Not Speak It's Name

Dixxx said...
Why is nature taking the form of a penis again? I hate it when it does that.

With that one short question Dixxx has put his finger on something (let's hope he's washed his hands) that until now has only been spoken of in hushed tones among earth scientists.

Embedded in rock and locked away in the ice shields of the Antarctic are remnants of organic compounds with a strikingly similar molecular structure to testosterone. Dating back some 3 million years to a period of the Earth's last great warming these mysterious fossils are only now yielding clues that may give us some insight into the current state of our planet.

As we belch record amounts of greenhouse gasses into the upper atmosphere thereby depleting the ozone layer and causing an incremental rise in the Earth's mean annual temperature scientists, as early as 15 years ago, began detecting small amounts of the testosterone-like compound across the globe.

As Dixxx so insightfully pointed out, the effects are already being felt. The pictures above are but a few examples but more threatening still is the looming spectre of "global penising"! The weather patterns associated with the El Nino are beginning to transform into a more menacing El Pino and the North and South American west coasts are feeling the brunt this winter with thrust after thrust of inclement weather. As we on the east coast prepare for a green Christmas weary pedestrians in the desert city of Las vegas are dealing with snow of all things!! Sights of these streetwalkers wiping the white stuff out of their hair and eyes are common and incidents like this will be on the rise unless matters are taken into hand in the very near future. Paying lip service will no longer suffice but with those such as Al Gore pounding home the message at every opportunity there is still hope. His recently founded "Institute for the Study of Phalliform Geomorphology" shared this alarming picture of El Pino with The Blob and I post it as a warning...it's time to do something people!! Like an inmate in a prison shower about to drop the soap the Earth is heading unknowingly for an awful surprise!!

Bert Parks Remembered

If you're of my generation you'll probably remember Bert Parks as the perennial MC of the Miss America beauty pageant. He wasn't particularly talented and I never saw him do anything else on TV or in film but he did provide a sort of paternal feel to his role as host/harem eunuch. Parks also got to sing "There she is...Miss America" as the newly crowned winner took her walk of victory.

A good friend who has contributed to the Blob as Steiner, the Stern Brothers, kent@verbagecontroldata etc. has sent me a video that shows how untalented Parks truly was! (his own take on a McCartney and Wings classic that probably has Sir Paul spinning in his grave) This must see is a classic of poor directing and an over reaching ego and had me wanting to dust off my bazooka. The back-up dancers are every bit as bad and there's a great trumpet faux pas at the very end by the lead player who was probably so distracted by the preceding debacle that he entered early with what sounds like a very small and squeaky fart. http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=nJBDcb7kq_g

Element of the Year - Polonium

The sun rose on a new day, the last of the after-party revellers made for home and the surprise winner of this years "Mendy" award glowed just a little bit brighter. The Mendy is awarded annually to the element of the year after a nation-wide mail in vote of scientists, science writers, and the Hollywood foreign press.
Named after Dmitry Mendeleyev, (the inventor of the periodic table) the Mendy is the most prestigious and only prize available to the elements. As such we are subject to the perennial PR campaigns with different elemental camps placing ads in such august publications as the journal Science and the industry paper The Chemical Times.
This year saw Ytterbium take an early and seemingly insurmountable lead only to have victory snatched away at the last minute by the improbable winner: POLONIUM.
Last night's star studded ceremony was hosted by actor and raconteur John Ratzenberger, better known as the beloved postman Cliff Clavin from TV's Cheers. He presided over a fast paced evening that featured a lifetime achievement award to Carbon (or "the big C" as it's affectionately known) and a touching tribute to Mercury, a once popular element that has fallen on hard times since the introduction of the digital thermometer. Another of the evening's highlight featured Dr. Randolph Guthbertson, Dean of Chemical Sciences at Wesleyan University, who brought the house down with his whimsical take on the discovery of Thalium.
The murder by polonium poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko, Russian ex-pat and outspoken critic of the Putin regime, helped put the media focus on this year's winner. The press and public alike took immediately to the story that has all the earmarks of a John LeCarre spy thriller.
Polonium was discovered by Marie and Pierre Curie in 1898 and is in fact the only element named to highlight a political controversy, namely the partition and non-independence of Poland, Marie's native land. Pound for pound it's around 5 million times more toxic than cyanide and yet has remained a little known square on the periodic table until just a few weeks ago. Despite it's high toxicity it was used (until 1982) to extend the shelf life of fruit juices and certain dairy products.

That's Some Dreidel!!

With Chanukkah fast approaching it's time to think of gifts for your loved ones. Nothing says "I care" more than a beautiful, hand-crafted dreidel from Hyman's Judaica. Israeli artisans have overlooked no detail and are proud to present this numbered, limited edition dreidel that is sure to become a cherished family heirloom through the generations.

Look carefully at the gorgeous craftmanship.....the spindle and upper plate have been knurled and polished to a mirror finish. The side panel artwork by Moishe Ben Levitan has been commissioned expressly for use on the SpinMaster3000 and the original molds are on permanent display at the Beir Sheebah Museum of Modern Art! The tapered bottom panels have been Swiss-bevelled and the spin point has been laser sharpened to 15 microns.

The dreidel itself is composed entirely of 100% Sterling silver with precision engineered gyroscopic action and a floating beryllium core (pat. pend.) for double the spin life compared to that of a standard model. It will undoubtedly provide hours of fun and a lifetime of memories.

Similar works of functional art can be purchased at auction for more than a thousand dollars but by ordering today through The Blob the SpinMaster3000 can be yours for only 5 easy payments of $99.99 (tax, shipping, handling, customs duty and a little something extra for the wife not incl.)

Chest, Nuts, Roasted on an Open Fire

Penis-Burning Woman Ordered Detained in Montreal Until Next Court Appearance

Peter Rakobowchuk, Canadian PressPublished: Monday, December 11, 2006








MONTREAL (CP) - A woman who used fondue fuel to set her boyfriend's penis on fire will spend the holidays in jail. Police arrested Andree Rene last week after she failed to turn up in court for sentencing arguments on a charge of aggravated assault. In April 2001, Rene's boyfriend went to bed following a heated argument between them. As he snoozed, Rene doused the man's private parts with fuel and set them aflame.
The 52-year-old spent a month in hospital after suffering third-degree burns in the pelvic area and on his chest.

This is an excerpt from an actual story culled from the wire services (go ahead...google it) that caught my attention for obvious reasons. I guess I won't be complaining about girlfriend troubles any more and actually consider myself blessed that I've avoided that level of anger and vindictiveness. While the report itself is interesting I especially enjoyed the headline writer's brilliant turn of phrase: "Penis-Burning Woman" just begs to be the title of an up-tempo, riff driven rock anthem along the lines of "Born to be Wild" don't ya think??

She's a penis-burnin' woman and she's playin' with fire
Penis-burnin' woman object of my desire
Matches in one hand, fuel in the other
Say hi to your sister, used to be your brother
Penis-burnin woman, I'm the moth and you're the flame. etc etc.

Anyways, you get the idea...if you need me I'll be in the recording studio.

More B.S. - As in Britney Spears

I have no interest in Britney Spears or her music (OK "Toxic" wasn't a bad song and her crotch shots were oddly compelling) other than a certain fascination with her being the embodiment of the ever-growing celebrity as product phenomenon. Watch this interview (pre-divorce) and you'll be tempted to empathize with poor Britney, misunderstood and harrassed to the point of tears by the relentless paparazzi http://disloyal.org/?show=976 . Okay?? Now juxtapose the teary young mom with the recent spate of photos featuring Britney and Paris Hilton partying away with nary a pair of underpants between them. (see Dec 4th)

Let this be a lesson to us all: the majority of so called celebs are emotionally needy exhibitionists who live and die by the PR that they can generate.

I too make my living as a musician and have never had to resort to the crass display of my gentalia to garner publicity. "Oh Yeah?!?" I hear you ask, "what about Japan??" By now it's a well known fact that the incident in Tokyo's Suntory Hall was either a complete accident or the drunken result of a lost bet (damn you Mr. Fujikowa!!). My memory of the event is a bit fuzzy but I've been assured by the proper authorities that my work visa will be reinstated this coming spring provided I sign a sworn statement proclaiming that I will never again be naked within the internationally recognized boundaries of the Japanese nation. (yes ...that includes bathing.)

At any rate, that was a few years ago and I've since changed my ways. Only time will tell if several years hence, Ms. Spears will be able to say the same.

Chrismukkah???

I actually saw a municipal electronic message board announcing an upcoming Chrismukkah party and gift exchange. Now I'm all for the interdenominational, brotherhood of man stuff but please....leave my holiday alone!! This is yet another example of the war on Hannukah (or Chanukka, Channukah, Hannukha etc.) that shows no sign of letting up.

Jesus was no doubt a great man but he may have been a cross between motivational maven Tony Robbins and magician David Copperfield rather than the son of God. Hannukah on the other hand...now there's a miracle! A thimble full of oil lasting a full 8 days?? I get shivers just thinking about it....I mean really....OIL.......8 full days!!......and it was only a tiny bit!!! Imagine the power of 5 D cell batteries crammed into only one AAA and you'll begin to appreciate the scope and grandeur of this holiday. Honestly, it wasn't even enough oil to fry up a pork chop let alone consecrate a temple for more than a week and now the powers that be are trying to hybridize the Festival of Light and deprive us of it's singular glory. It's bad enough that the obligatory seasonal shopping trips leave me feeling less like a human being and more like a cow headed for slaughter (the retail outlet as abbatoir where we are herded, manipulated, and processed by forces way beyond our control) but please....don't go cutting my potato latkes with bits of fruitcake or wassail (whatever the hell that is).

Chrismukkah?? I think not!

NBC Stays the Course

Displaying uncommon resolve, NBC decided thursday morning to stay with their regularly scheduled programming rather than switch over to a live press conference featuring Tony Blair and George Bush. All other North American networks carried the event but NBC ignored the herding instinct and stuck with Martha Stewart.
"I was completely against the idea at first" said anchorman Brian Williams "but when I saw that fabulous cheesecake she was making.....well, it was a call I wasn't willing to make...I backed off immediately".
Stewart, a reformed convict and the high priestess of homemakers followed the cooking segment with another devoted to inexpensive, fun fashions for the holidays. Meanwhile frustrated viewers across the nation were missing The Price Is Right and The View. "I'd just yelled out my bid on a home juke box and then they cut to that Katie Couric woman...I never knew if I'd have won or whatnot!" Betsy Munson wasn't the only unhappy customer as switchboards lit up at nearly all the stations who'd cut away.

Bush and Blair,as expected, had little if anything of substance to say (the Iraq Study Group report notwithstanding) so NBC won the day by being resolute and remaining loyal to their morning fan base of bored, overweight women. (and me)

Out on a Limb

Call me crazy but I have a sneaking suspicion that darkhorse candidate Stephane Dion will emerge from this weekend's Liberal leadership convention with a stunning upset victory. As unlikely as this seems I've spent some time analyzing the situation and the numbers seem to add up. Pundits and editorialists aside, poll leader Michael Ignatieff has been in damage control mode ever since that now infamous drunken brawl at Teezer's strip club in Oshawa and Ontario's Bob Rae while running a respectable 2nd has failed to capture the public's imagination with his repeated references to "The snuggly, patchwork quilt of love that is our great nation of Canada!"

Toiling tirelessly in the background, Dion has been wheeling and dealing and is prepared to pounce when an opportune moment arises. Look for also ran Gerard Kennedy to fork over the large passel of delegates that Dion will need to put him over the top. Remember...you heard it here 1st!

The Blob endorses Stephane Dion as leader of the Liberal opposition and as future prime minister. His winning combination of keen logic, dogged determination, and a sickly pastiness are but a few of his assets. In time he will win over the rest of Canada, yes even his home province of Quebec, where he is regarded as something of a traitor for having had the nerve to demand the truth of the people who wanted to dismember the country a few years back. If I'm proven wrong about all this I'll get out of the business of political prognostication and shut this blog down for good.

Leave it to Beaver 2: The Brazilianing

Any regular reader of the Blob knows that one of my most frequent contributors is the Beaver Woman (GF Phyllis in her many guises). Well look out Phyllis because fresh from her divorce and hoping to re-establish her party girl image, new mom Britney Spears is fixin' to give you a run for your money.
By now everyone knows that Brit has started partying with Paris Hilton and baring her pre-pubescent beaver to paparazzi in a calculated and cynical attempt at some product (namely herself) re-imaging. Now I'm no prude and have nothing against nudity (I was actually naked twice yesterday and again today!) but this is just pathetic. What's worse is that it works!! I'm writing about it, it's all over the web and TV...we're talking millions of dollars worth of PR for a couple of crotch shots. The message is clear to all of today's young women: Talent is no longer enough and often unnecessary. Click on this link (then on the Listen button)to hear an interview that applies to this post as well as those of Nov.19th, June 14th and June 12th.http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6549015

DiscomBlobulated

No posts in almost a week, difficulty sleeping, a hankering for Chinese food...these are just a few of the effects that publishing ( and the repeated quality control viewings) "The Greatest Orchestra Ever" have had upon yours truly. I spent many of my formative years in youth orchestras and music schools while at the same time suffering from a chronic case of Yellow Fever (my 1st two girlfriends were in fact Oriental). The video in question caused a sort of post traumatic stress reaction that really threw me for a loop and in a way had me thanking my lucky stars that I hadn't seen it or anything like it when I was a teenager. (has anyone ever died from excessive self-abuse??)

I'll try to get back to Blobbing on a more regular basis despite a slew of Christmas related work in the coming weeks. I think I can do it if I budget my time wisely and stop checking the NACO (Naked Asian Chick Orchestra) video. After all, it really does get old after the first 20 or so viewings. Remember.....the original Blob charter mandates that I give advice to my readers so feel free to ask me about anything. BTW Dixxx, the girls of NACO wore high heels to one-up the Hanshu Academy for Gifted and Naked Musicians orchestra who were completely nude (no class if you ask me).

The Greatest Orchestra Ever!!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Reconsillyation

Is it my imagination or is there an awful lot of doom and gloom in the air. Maybe it's the cold wind blowing in from the West but more likely still it's the massive amount of bad news and the growing mess of geo-political quagmires that are intermeshing and coagulating like some sort of malignant clot. Tensions throughout the Mideast are as high as ever if not higher so what better time then for Pope Benedict to embark upon his so called "voyage of reconcilliation" to Turkey in an effort to bridge the ever widening gulf between two of the world's great religions. (Yes, that gulf, the one that was pried open even wider when Benedict gave a speech dissing the prophet Mohammed only a few weeks ago.)

The Muslims contend that the Pope never truly apologized but everyone knows that he's infallible...they'd better not be holding their collective breath.

What we're left with is the Pontiff tooling around Istanbul in a heavily armoured limo because the popemobile couldn't provide enough protection from the potentially hostile throngs. It's a beautiful stroke of irony that the popemobile only exists today because a crazed Turk tried to kill a former Pope who was riding through a crowd in an open car. This, as Oprah would say, is a "full circle moment". (sorry for quoting Oprah...I never said I was infallible.)

Another bit of irony involves the whole infallibility nonsense which is proving, at least in this instance, to be a papal straight jacket. The Pope messed up and insulted a whole group of people as have Mel Gibson and Kramer(who isn't Jewish BTW but who's newly hired publicist is). The latter two have no such lofty constraints and have been kissing ass and apologizing left and right but Benedict can only go so far as to say that he's sorry if people were offended by the truths which he spoke. I and other card carrying members of the Global Zionist Conspiracy can only sit on the sidelines and rub our hands with glee as the Christians and Muslims duke it out....soon my brothers....soon......

Oh yeah one more thing...Iraq. President Bush is meeting with the Iraqi president this week in what I believe will be the first act in a gracefully executed exit strategy. The spin doctors will be out in force ("we overthrew a heinous dictator and bought democracy to the people of Iraq, just listen to Ahmed here": 'At least I got to vote for the people who slaughtered my family!' ) trying to explain how and why the US pushed Iraq into a bloody civil war and then left but that's where this is heading. What's worse is that Iraq may end up becoming a radical Islamic theocracy and anti-western partner to Iran. If I was a Kurd I'd be buying my plane ticket yesterday....or is that a Sunni....this is getting too confusing, I'm out of my league here. I guess it's back to the safe haven of poop jokes and not a moment too soon.

Fun With Blasphemy

OK everybody...let's sing along with Jesus!!

A deep debt of gratitude to Daniel Jensen (brother of GF Phyllis) for the photo and to the inspired brothers of the Tappa Kegga Bru college fraternity for their frivolous approach to eternal damnation.

Sofa So Good...Why the Wii Won't Work

You'd think that the Japanese would know better by now but something tells me that Nintendo's latest entry into the home gaming console sweepstakes is doomed to fail. For those of you who haven't yet heard, the Wii is a revolutionary new way of engaging in video gameplay. Your TV is fitted with a sensor and your controller is actually a sort of magic wand that transfers your movements to the screen. Stand up and swing at an imaginary tennis ball and voila; your character on the TV duplicates the motion. Thrust and parry with the controller and you may very well slay a dragon....you get the idea.

Sure there's a pre-holiday buzz and the unit is selling like all-you-can-eat sushi but I'll go out on a limb and make this prediction: The Wii will go the way of the 8 track by March 2007! "Crazy" you say? ....well just hear me out.

Lots of ardent gamers will find one under their Xmas tree and enjoy the novelty until parts of their bodies start aching, seizing up, and possibly falling off. We're talking about a group of people who can sit on the sofa for hours using only their thumbs to destroy imaginary nazis while insisting that their Mom get them a can of pop or a grilled cheese sandwich because she's closer to the kitchen. When they realize that owning a Wii means standing and moving entire limbs while only inches away the couch beckons, these systems will start collecting dust faster than you can nuke a 6 pack of Pizza Pops.

I don't know any of the decent and earnest people at Nintendo Corp. but they would do well to consult me the next time they embark on a potentially foolhardy marketing adventure. I have my finger on the faint pulse of the North American consumer....the road to retail heaven is paved with well upholstered cushions, some delicious beveled ham, and thumb controllers.

Consider it Done

As you all know by now there's not much I won't do for my faithful readers and contributors. At the top of the list of course is Dixxx and if he wants the Blob to move towards more risque content (problems at home???) then I'm afraid I have to comply. I'm not sure if my material has been any less offensive recently or if the Blob readership is simply inured to it by now. At any rate I assume that "blue waters" implies more porn and If I'm wrong and you wanted more seafood and sea related posts then I apologize.
I hope you enjoy the picture and as an expert on such matters I'd go with a Vaseline Intensive Care hand lotion (unscented) and Scotties Brand Tissues with Aloe. Have fun!!

Live and Learn

DAVID BOLOTEN says:
"ALSO - you're having a little problem setting up your cartoon/word balloon situations ["Flavor ofthe Day]. Comics read from left to right in our culture, just like regular text. You can't have your punchline to the left of your set up."

happy now??

Any comments??

Talk to the Hand

I feel a bit weird about doing another show biz post right on the heels of the Michael Richards story but with a great feud going on in the lower echalons of the TV world it's almost impossible to resist. I'll try to give links to all the pertinent clips so you can enjoy a good wallow. Think of The Blob as a one-stop resource center.

Where to begin, where to begin....I guess I should introduce the principle characters: 1st we have Clay Aiken, the somewhat effeminate closet case and past winner of American Idol whose sexuality remains a mystery. Next up is Kelly Ripa, the somewhat anorexic and talentless co-host of Regis and Kelly and finally we have Rosie O'Donnel, the somewhat melon-headed and bullying lesbian who succeeded Meredith Vieira on The View.

The initial incident ocurred when Clay was guest hosting for the absent Regis and he and Kelly were conducting an interview with the winners of Dancing With the Stars. The most compelling aspect of this tale is that it manages to bring together so much of what is wrong with popular TV entertainment today...a virtual nexus of mediocrity in one tidy package!

On to the plot summary: Clay and Kelly play fight a bit to start the show and then during the interview in question Kelly hogs the Mike. Clay in turn puts his hand over her mouth and she gets pissed off and makes a comment that may or may not have had allusions to his rumored gayness. The next day Kelly revisits "the incident" with Regis and blasts Clay for his lack of respect then on The View Rosie gets involved and blasts Kelly for homophobia. Kelly then phones The View live and laces into Rosie who BTW never really apologizes (they both profess their mutual love though) and inadvertantly outs Clay. (then I went and took a 45 minute shower)

Phases One and two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKAtKUjuAcI&mode=related&search= Phase three: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sU9nrd10fR8&mode=related&search= Phase Four: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uproFyt2otE&mode=related&search=

Flavor of the Day

Definitely Robert Schimmel....here's a joke of his that I've stolen off a CD borrowed from Dixxx and fleshed out using a pic from a previous post. Please write in if you find this offensive. (as always, click to enlarge)

Poor Richards' Almanac

We loved him as Kramer and wished him continued success after Seinfeld closed up shop but the recent meltdown at L.A.'s Laugh Factory http://www.youtube.com/watch?search=&mode=related&v=kvQq0HQ45Q4 is a classic final railroad spike in the coffin that was Michael Richards' career. The tirade against black hecklers, the pitiful attempts at being outrageous and shocking to salvage the situation, and the complete loss of composure are hard to watch but frankly, his career arc was going nowhere but down anyways. Mel Gibson...now there was a guy in free fall who had a lot to lose.

His apology on Letterman, http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2798827?showw=no&refsite=7119&cpref=7119 while seemingly heartfelt, was almost as painful to watch as the initial incident with the audience's nervous laughter, the Seinfeld reprimand, and a good number of the distraught Richards' non sequiters that had me thinking more of a strange, homeless guy trying to bum a quarter off me than a big time TV star.

After those cringe inducing clips I decided to add a little bonbon to cleanse the palate. Robert Schimmel is a great stand-up comedian who is too dirty for general consumption but does serve to remind us that you can still be gross, insensitive, obscene, and incredibly funny. Have fun.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Acd7Ps4y8c

Stern Rebuke

Dennis@SternBrothersMedia said...
Geez Blob -I know you're just looking for some laughs with the Streisand, but you're really sounding like a crank with the Furtado. Who cares how Nellie Furtado's career's being pitched? And of course our popular culture's revolting. I can't believe that would really get your dander up. [what's really bothering you?]

avner@sternbrothersmedia said...
Dennis -I knew I'd find you here. [why haven't you been returning my calls?] You have to call me, Ma's sick again. Call me at my Miami #. [sorry Blob, don't mind us] Avner Stern

The above comments, culled from my Nov 19th post, may mark a disturbing turn for the worse here at The Blob. The Stern brothers, my arch nemeses through most of elementary and high school have once again reared their ugly heads. I feared it was only a matter of time before they got wise to me and here we are. Unlike the old days I'm much less insecure and prepared to go toe to toe any day.....let's have at it!!

David Stern (now the more waspy Dennis): Sold stolen condoms in the Wagar High parking lot from the trunk of his father's Porsche and invented the withering insult "here's a dime...go call all your friends" (used to crush me into embarrassed silence at two school dances).

Avner Stern: Was the first to charge guests an entrance fee for parties held at his house while his parents were out of town. Had posters in his room of Duddy Kravitz and Alan Eagleson.

As children they wore the same halloween costume for years (see picture) and by grade 6 had convinced ten of the stupider boys to fork over 25% of all their candy in exchange for so called "Limited Edition" hockey cards (run of the mill American knock-offs bought during their family's twice annual pilgrimmage to Florida).

When the seperatist Parti Quebecois came to power in Nov. 1975 the Stern's had their bags packed and their house on the market by morning and were off to the States 3 days later. Most in our humble shtetl of Cote St. Luc breathed a sigh of relief.

Some time in the late 80's their dad Solly was arrested for insider trading and the boys, fresh from MBA degrees, opened SternGlobalCom (now SternBrothersMedia) which today is a lesser known satellite division of the powerful CAA (Creative Artists Agency) of Beverly Hills. Of course David doesn't mind the "revolting" state of our popular culture seeing as he and his little brother have finally hit it big after years as little more than sleazy scam artists. To answer your question Dave "what's really bothering me" is having to deal with the two of you yet again. Why don't you take a few of your ill gotten dollars, get some health insurance for your Mom, and get her out of that roach infested 1 room apartment in North Hollywood. (Two can play at the google research game!!) I urge both of you to keep your schemes and scams to yourself and stay away from my readers...consider yourselves warned.

Here's a pic of the new and improved Nelly Furtado. The copy reads: She used to wear "out there" clothes and bang on about being like a bird. Now the Canadian singer has gone all sexy on us so we took some pictures of her...
Rather than being true to herself Nelly has apparently handed over control of her image to a team of weasels. I can't blame her for trying to cash in but it's sad that she has to whore and hip-hop herself up like so many other young singers in an attempt to wring the big bucks out of the lowest common denominator. her latest album "Loose" features the rapper Timbaland because the formula says there has to be a rapper. The hit songs are "Promiscuous and "Maneater" but I believe her overall message to girls is something along the lines of be proud and don't just give it away (yeah right). Yet another supposed role model doling out the mixed messages as though they were those crappy molasses candies at halloween.
Just when things were as bad as I thought they could get along comes Barbara Streisand with an album that is nothing if not a sure sign of the apocalypse. "Duets" features Babs, a host of rappers, and strangely, Luciano Pavarotti. She has also revamped her image and appears to have undergone extensive plastic surgery (and I thought she was just hospitalized for a hip replacement). Collagen, lipo, boob job, the works!!
According to her publicist the diva is hoping to empower her generation...."Barbara doesn't feel she has to be dictated to by time and gravity and neither do her fans. It's a timely and positive message."
If you're a kindred spirit and like me, have tired of the continuing decline of civilization then perhaps you'll join me in a mass suicide that I'm planning for sometime after the new year.

Well...another of my birthdays has come and gone. Nov. 17th is another occasion for me to take stock of my life and plan out my vision for the future. As always this process is based solely on the Gazette's horoscope for the day so I eagerly grabbed the paper, flipped to the appropriate page and began charting my course for the year to come. The copied text at left is a classic example of the astrologer's art. Cryptic yet vague this paragraph is written in terms general enough to afford significant interpretive leeway. As it's a little too late to heed the advice on incurring debt I'll have to wait till next year to begin my assault on the business world. I can only look forward to finding out exactly what will be my "long-term problem of monumental proportions"....personal bankruptcy, income tax audit, scurvy?!?! The mind boggles with the wealth of possibilities.

The news is not all negative though; I've been instructed to avoid important decisions and extra responsibilities and this I can and will do. In fact I'll get started tomorrow because....actually I'm pretty busy tomorrow so it'll have to wait till next week......that's getting a tad too close to the holidays and what with all the fuss and bother I'm better off waiting till January....oh yeah, I'll be in Colombia for a couple of weeks so February it is...March the latest!

I'm glad the gazette astrologer recognized my diligence and sense of loyalty. They agree as I do that this can only pay big dividends at some point, perhaps a new, high paying job or maybe (just maybe) free pizza for life at Domino's!! (if only I had a free pizza for every contest entry I've mailed in over the years.

As for vacations I'm sure I'll be out to Calgary to visit GF Phyllis before next October but then again, these trips can never be characterized as carefree. Not a day goes by without slaving away at laborious maintenance and then there's the farm and house to attend to!

My beneficial project is already well into the planning stages so I'm not reluctant to let my readers know about it. It's called "Euphoniums for Eumanity" and I'll be raising funds to purchase low brass instruments for the needy with a little help from my yet-to-be-enlisted friends. I'm very excited about this and am heading into my 48th year with great anticipation all the while heeding those famous words; "Play euphonium for a man and he'll have a pleasant afternoon but teach him how to play and he'll be set for life (you may want to throw in a taxi license and some computer programming skills)"

(In lieu of birthday gifts The Blob and the Euphoniums for Eumanity Foundation will be accepting donations)

Coming to a Military Theatre Near You...

Israel Developing Bionic Arsenal Fri Nov 17, 8:31 AM
JERUSALEM (AFP) - Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has given the green light for Israel to set up a special office to develop a nanotechnology arsenal. Yediot Aharonot said that Deputy Prime Minister Shimon Peres had been told to choose 15 top thinkers to focus on developing futuristic weaponry. If their projects succeed, they will provide Israel with a response to the various threats from Palestinian rockets, suicide bombers, to long-range missiles and non-convential weapons, the newspaper said Friday.

Only months away from implementation the so called "pork bomb" uses the latest in PDT (porcine/drone technology) to accurately target enemy combatants and shower them with a fine precipitate of vaporized pork and pork by-products. Treated chemically to decay quickly the pork meal can attract a host of diseases and disable and/or distract Arab militants who may become too revolted to fight.

Israel's orthodox Schach Party has repeatedly demanded a halt to the project and has used the courts and public protest to delay it's completion. Reached at his office, spokesman Yoinl Schmulowitz voiced his displeasure; "The Israeli government shouldn't be tampering with pork....period! Couldn't they have used a nice piece of whitefish for heaven's sake? Now we're no better than the goyim. It's a shame, a tragedy, and an insult to God almighty."

The road to Middle Eastern peace, while long and tortuous, may at least soon be imbued with the sweet, sweet smell of bacon.

Two Whites DO make a Wrong

I have to alert you to a scam that's been going on for years now...TWO scams in fact both being perpetrated by people named White. !st we have Meg White, so-called drummer for the very popular band (duo actually) named the White Stripes. To put it simply and without exaggeration; she can't play the drums. This seemingly important fact doesn't make a whit of difference as she rakes in the millions and rides her talented brother Jack White's (not to be confused with actor Jack Black) coattails to yet another higher tax bracket. Maybe if she was really hot looking I could understand but take a gander at her photo...I rest my case. (On 2nd thought that's not too bad a pic, she's actually quite a bit homelier...here.... look.)

The next White is the famous Vanna. She actually is hot looking but her notoriety peaked in the the mid to late 80's and she's been coasting ever since. She was a major media consideration after a lingerie photo shoot was published and even starred in a sitcom until everyone involved realized she had no talent. Back she went to turning letters for a living or so I thought until I just happened to check in on Wheel of Fortune last week. Yes Vanna is still there, stationed as always next to the letter display but her ridiculously easy job has been further simplified, as unlikely as that sounds. The individual squares are each some sort of TV screen. They now light up when a correct letter is guessed and then someone backstage presses a button and the letter in question appears. No more need for Vanna to do any turning...she just sort of touches the screen as an afterthought and voila!! She has been rendered obsolete by modern technology but is kept on at taxpayers expense. Just think of all the factory workers who've been replaced by robots. Bet they'd like a piece of that sweetheart deal!!

(Ed. note- The Blob reserves the right to invoke "the taxpayers expense" during any rant regardless of the veracity of the claim or it's inherent lack of logic)

Darfur, Iraq, global warming....sure these are all pressing concerns but by exposing these frauds mentioned above today I am clearing the way to deal with these other equally important problems. Won't you join me in my struggle to make our world a better place for my children to grow up in. (may your own children rot in hell!!)

Yet Another Public Service

I've been scouring that huge, oatmeal-caked pot that is the internet once again and have dislodged another tasty morsel. Follow this link back to the mid 70's for a nostalgic look at sex education targeted specifically at the mentally challenged but with something for all of us. This mostly sweet, occasionally funny, and only rarely "a bit creepy" film has a dated look but it's message is as vital and current as The Daily Show. An interesting sidelite: The host and narrator is named appropriately Richard Dix, that's right Dick Dix !! I can't help but wonder if there's any relationship with our frequent correspondent and euphonium enthusiast of the same name; Dixxx. http://www.ifilm.com/video/2667018/collection/1642/channel/viralvideo
Hat's off to planned parenthood for continuing their important work. They believe as I do that education beats forced sterilization any day (although after accompanying my 12 yr. old son and his class to a contemporary dance performance today I may be having 2nd thoughts.)
Keep those comments and questions coming.

A New Era Dawns

Vivvy asks: "My question to you is (and now I guess I really have to think of one)...oh, yeah, why has it come to this; that in order to make it in politics in the good ol' U.S. of A., one has to claim a fervant belief in God? It's really pretty scary. I don't know whether I'm letting the cat out of the bag here, Blobby, but aren't you kind of...dare I say it...American, yourself? So you can answer this question better than most. "

Thanks for the question Viv and yes...I am an American. Let's not forget that I'm a proud Canadian as well and after the 3 burritos I had last night you might say that I'm pretty much the embodiment of the entire North American continent....at least until the bowl of Count Fistula kicks in. (archives Oct. 13th) As far as religion and politics goes it's an old story....do whatever it takes to get the votes. The religious right in the states is a powerful voting block that until recently (last week) was fairly monolithic. Even the most satan-loving and perverted pol has to attend church and act appropriately pious to garner the millions of votes that these people represent. Until the US elections last week the incredible polarization of the republicans and democrats better known as the culture wars was threatening to creep across our borders but the ineptitude and hypocrisy of the Bush regime is actually bringing mainstream politics back to the center. Given enough time and enough rope even assholes will eventually figure out how to hang themselves.
Maybe we are entering a time of rapprochement and understanding. We should all be asking ourselves; "What can I do to help?". Here's a link to a radio report about the Yiddish language that you should listen to in this spirit...go on...listen already. Don't be such a schmuck!! http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=13 Simply find the SEARCH box and type WEX then click on "Born to Kvetch" and then click LISTEN.... you'll be "kvelling" (to luxuriate in a warm puddle of your own urine...HEY times were tough!) within seconds.

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Better Cuz it's Tainted!!

Wed, November 8, 2006
Syringe spurs ham recallUPDATED: 2006-11-08 01:39:27 MSTPrecautionary order issued after casing found in meat at Ontario packerBy CP

KITCHENER, Ont. -- A syringe casing found jutting out of a ham at a Maple Leaf Foods processing plant prompted a precautionary recall and a police probe
Need I say more?? First Munson's with the E coli and trychinosis (see archives june 7th and Oct. 10th) and now Canada's own Maple Leaf co. with their own quality control problems. Sure ham is delicious but is it really worth the risk? A good cut of kosher (or halal for our Arab friends) quality meat properly slaughtered, salted before cooking, and boiled into submission may prove to be the only way of getting animal protein safely into our bodies. All I know is that I've never had to check a "nice piece flank steak" for a used syringe. Who can honestly say that about ham today?

Praise the Lord - Pass the Crystal Meth and the Lube

There are certain red letter days that mark all of our lives. We'll never forget where we were when Kennedy was killed, Team Canada beat the Russians, the tragic events of 9-11 etc. One of the greatest days of my life included my first performance at Carnegie Hall. I was already on cloud 9 heading to the 1st orchestra rehearsal when a friend of mine casually asked if I'd heard that televangelist Jim Bakker ( husband of tammy Faye) had been caught screwing his secretary. Not too long after, another, even more heinous TV preacher named Jimmy Swaggart was caught with a hooker and a really ugly one to boot. These were the golden days of my youth.
The recent outing of right wing politician Mark Foley gave me a brief jolt of nostalgia and a modicum of satisfaction at seeing yet another hypocrite destroyed but today's news about Ted Haggard means it's official. Strike up the band....happy days are here again!
Haggard is widely regarded as one of the 25 most influential evangelists in th U.S. and lobbies extensively against gay marriage. Mike Jones is a gay escort who tired of the hypocrisy and outed Haggard with radio broadcast details of a 3 year long tryst that had sexual sessions accompanied by crystal meth. Haggard has admitted only to receiving massages from Jones (he didn't elaborate as to exactly what was being massaged with what though) and to buying the drugs out of curiosity but never having used them. Today he stepped down as head of the NAE (national evangelists association). Tomorrow we'll probably start hearing about the titanic struggle he's been waging against the inner demons that have haunted him since the sexual abuse he suffered as an adolescent. That seems to be the script these days.
Richard Dawkins, noted scientist and atheist, produced an excellent TV series in Britain a few years back and this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXh-nCAsrd4&mode=related&search leads to segment one (there are 5 that you may want to watch). Haggard is featured prominently and am I wrong or does he not look quite gay? This could be a case of 20/20 hindsight but then again......you be the judge.

Ain't Nobody's Bismuth

Those of you who have been clamoring for more info on the periodic table and the fabulous world of the elements no doubt recognize the chunk of Bismuth to the left. After all, what else could it be....gabbro!!??? (lollll) Here's the kicker though, the curve ball straight out of left field, the unexpected chunk of ham in your haagen-dazs.....this post isn't at all about bismuth but about a by-product of a bombardment of bismuth with iron nuclei: Meitnerium. Element #109 exists only as a result of this process and in amounts so small and for moments so brief that no one has ever actually seen it. Under such circumstances displaying bismuth was the next best thing. The firing squad at right never really happened but the complicated process of creating meitnerium is best understood from this simplified depiction. (click on image to enlarge)
Why all the fuss? Why take up valuable Blob space with such a little known element? The true interest in #109 lies in it's name.
Lise Meitner was the 1st woman to be granted a Phd in physics at the U. of Vienna (Go "fightin' goosesteppers"!!) and is widely hailed as the greatest woman scientist of the 20th century. In 1926 she became the 1st fully tenured woman prof at the U. of Berlin where she worked closely with friend, colleague, and chemist Otto "the aryan bastard" Hahn on radioactivity. That she was also a Jewess would become an integral part of the story as WWII approached.
She fled Germany for the relative safety of Sweden in 1938 but met with Hahn clandestinely and eventually provided experimental evidence for nuclear fission. She was the one to realize and explain what Hahn had overlooked in the laboratory and the Manhattan Project (which she wanted no part of) would soon follow. The "Mother of the A Bomb" unwittingly helped end the war.
Hahn claimed sole ownership of the discovery and in 1944 was awarded the Nobel Chemistry prize despite numerous protests from other scientists who knew that Meitner should have shared it with him.
Lise Meitner died in 1968 and received some measure of recognition when, in 1997, element #109 was named in her honour.
So, there you have it. The periodic table is filled with many such stories of intrigue and betrayal...even lust (check out the inert gases, wa wa WEE wa!!!) Who knew that the ubiquitous poster on the walls of 10th grade chemistry labs was such a gold mine of fascinating stories? Lise Meitner's is but one of dozens. Here's hoping that you'll search out your own in the days to come.