Health Alert

Anonymous said...
Hi Blob,This recent post brings to mind an uncomfortable thought that is always percolating in the back of my mind: why do escargots always look like dog noses?


Obviously the two are made of the same sort of dark, mucousy, rubber-like substance. The fact that you are plagued by these confusing thoughts was instantly a source of concern for me and as I read your question I couldn't help but think of Oliver Sacks' best seller The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat (1985 Simon and Schuster). Sacks tells the stories of individuals afflicted with perceptual and intellectual aberrations and indeed your post seems to point towards Munsinger's Syndrome. If you've been recently struck in the head or have watched more than 2 episodes of "That 70's Show" in the past month you should see a doctor immediately!

On Aspic

Dixxx said...
"Dear Blob,What ever happened to aspic? This once tasty and optically intriguing dish seems to have disappeared from North American dining tables as of late. I would have thought it would have enjoyed some sort of retro-chic comeback surge, like swing dancing or anti-Semitism. There is nothing like coming home from the Good Lord’s Sunday service to enjoy some good old-fashioned gelatin based fare."

Once again thanks to Dixxx for an excellent and thought provoking question. Many of my younger readers hear the word aspic and most likely imagine a proctological instrument, perhaps used in fecal disimpaction. Little do they realize that aspic was a food that made a statement. Serving it was a good as saying to your guests; "I'm a WASP (or an aspiring one), I come from old money, and you can go #!#$% yourself!" The unctuous, gelatin-like substance provided a glossy sheen and savory flavor to any food but in the late 70's the arrival of hummus, salsa, and spinach dip served in a hollowed out loaf of bread proved to be its demise as a party favorite.

Aspic is essentially a flavored colloidal suspension made from the rendered flesh and bones of animals. It can be used to coat and protect a delicate salmon mousse or be molded into an attractive olive loaf as depicted above in an ad from LOOK Magazine (circa 1961).

Interesting that you should bring up anti-semitism (which, if I may be so bold as to correct you, has never waned in popularity) because of a fascinating historical tie in. It seems that in medieval Hungary a Jew was chosen annually and at random, coated in aspic, and paraded through town dressed as St. Istvan, the patron saint of viscosity. This then is the derivation of the expression "Let's coat that Jew in aspic."

I hope this has answered your question. For more info you can write the Aspic Marketing Council or log on to AspicLovers.com

What the Hake

Mrs. Dalrymple of Essex writes:
"Dear Blob,
The school chancellor will be coming for dinner this Friday and, as per custom, I'll be serving fish. Once again I find myself facing the dilemma...Pilchard or Bream? It's so very hard to choose. Perhaps you can be of some help."


Excellent question but your choices seem a little out of vogue. Pilchard is so last year and bream, while tasty, is the fish of commoners. Why not be a bit daring and opt for Hake.
Hake, hakefish, whiting, or ling...this fish, by any name, tastes just as sweet. So says Captain Ernst Dorfmann who for years fished off the coast of S. Africa and is the Blob's resident expert in all matters ichtyological.
For a short time hake was one of Botswana's principal exports but foreign subsidies for the industry quickly dried up when a low level UN bureaucrat pointed out that Botswana was a landlocked nation. The costs of getting the boats across Namibia to Walvis Bay were prohibitive and the operation went belly up within days. "On second thought we may have been better off investing in citrus farming"said Marcus Lumumbe, chairman of the local chamber of commerce.
Hake has been farmed successfully now for over 15 years affording a ready supply throughout the year. Just remember .... remove the toxic bile sac , scrape off any sclerotic plaque formations, and enjoy !

( Editor's Note: Originally concieved of as an advice blog, The BLOB has had to resort to planting its own questions. The results above mark a new low in content and quality...I mean Hake?? Come ON people!! )

A Prayer Answered

It was a grey day, a nothing day. I channel surfed aimlessly...Regis, The View, another suicide bomber...aha sports! But no...just a rehash of over-hyped early season NFL games or beyond meaningless NHL pre-season intersquad scrimmages. I managed to pull my gaze away from the TV for a few seconds and watched a small spider navigate the cracks on my ceiling. Killing it would have made me feel as though I had a bit more control over my environment but I couldn't even summon enough energy to toss the slipper that for reasons unknown I was holding in my hand. As I contemplated my lethargy (now there's a waste of energy) I heard a voice form the TV and refocused instantly. Someone was talking about pizza..... or was it lasagna? I watched more intently. It was a Pizza Hut ad and as I sat there I knew instantly that my life was about to change for the better.
It seems that food scientists working for the famous restaurant chain have managed to fuse pizza and lasagna into one fabulous dish. For years industry insiders had talked longingly of a "Unified Food Theory" but many were put off by the daunting and formidable challenge. A massive influx of cash and unprecidented access to the FermiLab research facility in 2003 has finally borne fruit or should I say Pizzagna!!
I for one will never again order pizza only to look enviously across to the next booth at the steaming plate of lasagna then return the next day for the lasagna and wish that I'd ordered the delicious pizza (If only I had a dollar for every time that happened).
In a flash my life was less complicated. I felt the return of blood to my extremities and the spring back to my step. A prayer has been answered and now maybe, just maybe, the subject of this post will help dislodge the tenacious grip that pube removal services have on my ad space. Let us pray.

Something for the Kids

The results of the Blob's "Mascot Hunt" contest are in at long last. For those of you who hadn't heard about it perhaps a brief summation: A few months back I realized that I needed better penetration into the youth market (I'll wait while you retrieve your minds from the gutter....ready??...OK then). After all, if major operations like MacDonald's can have different streams of targeted ad campaigns why couldn't I?
I decided that a contest would be a great way of building interest so flyers were left at dozens of summer camps and later elementary schools. Thousands of entries later I'm pleased to announce that we have a winner...little Timmy Wexler, 9 years old from Pasadena, California.
He came up with the concept for a mascot using nature's own blob, the slime mold and more precisely the "Dog Vomit" slime mold! This is a real creature (go ahead..google it!) His name is DJ Slimy and he has the perfect blend of hip hop cool and gross out factor that has scored big in my focus groups. Special mention to Jason Tremblay (age 11) of Mascouche for Blobbo the Clown and Elizabeth Feldspar (age 8) of Penticton for Amy Amoeba. Nice work everyone.
Now and without further ado here he is kids...DJ SLIMY!!!!!

A Nation Mourns

Flags flew at half mast all across our great nation this morning as news of Popeye's untimely death started to sink in. The beloved hero of early cartoons and comic books, Popeye the sailor man was the quintessential strong man. Ironically his death due to kidney failure was caused by E coli tainted spinach, yes spinach,the very food that gave him his herculean strength.
He is survived by wife Olive Oyl and son Swee'pea who are both in seclusion and unavailable for comment.
Funeral services will be held wednesday at Temple Beth Shalom Israel (I know...he didn't look Jewish!!) and will include a moving moment of reconciliation: a short eulogy from long time adversary Blutto. "Sure it was rough for a few years" said the burly seaman, "I mean....he got the girl and all I got was a broken jaw and an anchor to the @!!@%$## gut!! That being said, I do owe my career to the guy. What can I say...he'll be missed." The family will be accepting donations to the Kidney Foundation in lieu of gifts.

Not My Fault

In my role as impartial observer I feel the need to point out a problem with the sidebar ads that I had nothing to do with and am powerless to change. How is it that ads touting a dating service for Italians and another for Women's Hair Removal appear in the same box. While this may soon change, independently of my actions, they have been there for 2 days now and I can only blame Google and their "Ad-Sense" subsidiary for a faulty program that automatically chooses ads based on among other things, racial profiling. Shame on them! (and apologies to my small but vocal Italian readership...I'm talkin' to you Giuseppe!!)

Connecting the Dots

In his comment of Sept. 13th ("pubic service announcement") Dixxx postulates that noted artist and euphoniumist Mike Wilson is some sort of immortal shape-shifter and then adds several links to the sites of other men named Mike Wilson scattered around the globe. As it turns out there are several...many Mikes.....everywhere and after making a few web scans and phone calls I've come to a startling conclusion.
As described to me by various sources all these men (the Wilsons) are affable enough in social settings with gusts to gregarious if the situation and amount of alcohol suffice. On the other hand even their closest friends aren't privy to the intimate details of their private lives and many of the Mikes choose jobs or hobbies that lend themselves to a solitary lifestyle;
hunting and trapping, the arts, light house guy etc. Dixxx's flight of fancy notwithstanding there's nothing supernatural going on. The Mike Wilsons are in fact an alien sleeper cell waiting for the go ahead to take over the planet. When the Mike discussed by Dixxx gets his web site up and running take a look at his paintings... I have one here for you to study and have seen many others, all with similar subject matter. More than simple landscapes these canvases give clues as to what the world will look like after the conquest. What passes for peaceful , hivernal solitude is in reality a post-apocalyptic vision of desolation with trees stripped bare in scenes reminiscent of the aftermath of Hiroshima! Wilson the artist doesn't own a computer and won't know about this post if you can keep your mouths shut. My best advice is to act normal when you're in his presence but remain ever vigilant. I don't want my children to grow up under the yoke of alien slave masters.........do you????

Hairy Dixxx

Dixxx said...
Dear Blob,As you know better than anyone, I am an extremely hairy man. Now and then I like to shave things, numbers, letters, etc.. on to myself. After seeing you new snazzy ads on the site, I think I should rent out my chest and back for advertising space. What do you think? Baby needs a new pair of shoes.


Excellent idea Dixxx...really! I'm sure you came up with it independently as well but after a little patent checking (intellectual property division) I found that you'd been beaten to the punch. Here's the evidence from a MacDonald's billboard in Turkistan. I'm not sure if their patent laws apply in Canada so you still may be in luck.

OOPS

Sorry about the proliferation of ads. I had it all worked out a couple of days ago much to my surprise. The instructions I'd followed were a bit confusing but somehow things just fell into place which in turn led to a bit of misplaced over-confidence which then led to the mess you now see in my sidebar. How foolish of me! What kind of unbridled hubris led me to tempt fate the second time?
To change the look of my blog I'd been instructed to dabble in the arcane world of a programming language called HTML. Screwing it up the 2nd time I quickly rushed to Chapters and bought a copy of "HTML for Dummies" but even this proved too complicated prompting a return trip to the store for a more elementary how-to book pictured below. Armed with new knowledge I may once again be tempted back into the swampy substrate of my blog. Some will call me foolhardy but in my defense look at Icarus, another great tempter of fortune...was HE foolhardy???.......oh yeah...anyways, if I don't make it back you can have my stuff.

Phew!!

A special relief tinged shout- out to my buddy Travis (see Blob June 7th archive for an artist's rendering). He escaped unharmed today from Dawson College (as did my brother-in-law Ian who teaches there) after that awful shooting rampage. Your school will be closed for a few days so drop a question or comment (or correction) to take your mind off of things. Take care Travis my boy.

Pubic Service Announcement

By the way.....you may have noticed the new and attractive ad-link box in the sidebar of the Blob. Supposedly if I have enough readers and enough of them decided to look at one or more ad then Google will send me a few bucks. I've done the math and with the exponential increase in my readership combined with their impressive purchasing power I should be clearing 10 or 20 bucks a month by 2017!! The cool thing is that the choice of ads is determined automatically by some program that "Ad-Sense" runs and is based on the Blob's most recent content. I guess some computerized "bot" scans my blog and seeks out key words. Yesterday for example I wrote about hairy vs. clean shaven and today we have ads for pubic hair removal. (although the ads DO seem to change every time I log on) Sort of fun actually....I now look to each new day with a sense of anticipation and wonder.
I hope this clears up any questions you may have had on the subject. As for tomorrow I'll plant a seed now (ummmmm....OK....Male Pattern Baldness!!) and wait to see what happens. I can hardly wait!!

Proud To Be a Canadian?

Rice Introduced to "Double-Double" Diplomacy
Tue Sep 12, 4:50 PM

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice started the second day of her visit to Nova Scotia with a cup of Canadian culture - popping into a Tim Hortons in Pictou with Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay. MacKay included the coffee stop as he escorted his U.S. counterpart around the northern town early Tuesday before a scheduled speech.
"She learned about important things like a double-double," MacKay, the MP for the region, later told an audience in nearby Stellarton.
However, Rice eschewed the iconic Tims drink - with two creams and two sugars - in favour of a black coffee with sweetener.

That reprinted news report is the kind of thing that makes me cringe. Canada could be a great country, would be a great country if only we stopped caring about what (despite ourselves) we know is a great country just south of the border or rather stopped caring about what its citizens think of us. Condoleezza Rice coming here to speak 5 years after 9-11 is news but a pit stop at "T Ho's" is not. Who among us can read this story though and not feel a patriotic twinge...."we'll show her what a real doughnut shop is, those yanks can keep their Dunkin Donuts!!" Perhaps we're secretly hoping that Condee's visit will spur more U.S. interest in our doughnuts and maybe, just maybe, that interest will lead to more love and acceptance(envy even???) from ourAmerican brethren and sistren. I was feeling it.....that swell of pride knowing that only in Canada can you get a "T Ho's" treat by driving at most 5 minutes from any given point in our great nation. Finally....proud to be Canadian and then in an instant that pride turned to anger and resentment. She spurned a double-double....that BITCH!!! Talk about a slap in the face, the symbolic importance of this act was not lost on anyone with even an ounce of insight. I saw the scene play itself out on TV and MacKay, still reeling from being dumped by Belinda Stronach and fresh from having introduced Condoleezza to his dad (there will be many jokes about him being minister of foreign affairs...all lame) was clearly embarassed as his U.S. counterpart insisted on picking up the tab. Her no-nonsense approach to coffee selection; black, half decaf, sweetener contrasted with our traditional fat and sugar laden beverage as if to say "I'm American...all business...there's important and productive work to be done. You Canadians are just too soft. Keep on drinking that crap and collecting unemployment. See y'all in 5 years....maybe"
Cynics may feel that her visit and rare overnight stay are The U.S. government's way of throwing the compliant Canadian Conservatives a nice juicy bone. It's only reasonable to assume that with our troops lending a hand (often severed) over in Afghanistan the Americans will be caving on the softwood lumber negotiations any second now. Not gonna happen.
We're doomed to second banana status. Like Ed MacMahon; large, affable, vainly fighting for a place in the spotlight, we soldier along. We know it and they (the U.S. of A.) know it so I ask
you....Would it have killed her to order a friggin' double-double?? Eh!!??

Hair Yesterday - Gone Today

Sean Connery, Tom Selleck, and Burt Reynolds: In their day these men were major box office draws, perennial sex symbols, and the epitome of manliness. They were also hairy. Nowadays any man who looked like that would have to first be dipped in a vat of depilatory cream and then waxed within an inch of his life before he ever made it to the silver screen. How did this happen and who is responsible? I figured readers of the Blob would be interested and wouldn't you know it...I have a theory. Read on and prepare to be swayed by the seamless blend of logic and paranoia.
Let's start our journey of discovery in New York City, the hub of North America's fashion and advertising industries. The two help drive the way we view ourselves and push us to decide how we want to be viewed in several subtle and not so subtle ways.... advertising, by playing on our fear of inadequacy and fashion, by playing on our fear of inadequacy!
That being said neither the Ad nor Fashion biz can achieve any such shift in attitude unless the culture is already primed. Roiling just beneath the surface in the late 80's, the image of the hairless male was poised for primacy bolstered by the peri-menopausal women's movement and the pubescent gay rights lobby. Both were fights well worth fighting but the latter group had a strong narcissistic bent and the former may have had a subconcious interest in emasculating men. Cue Madison Avenue.
Women were and are the major shoppers and had been told for years by feminists such as Andrea Dworkin that "all men are potential rapists". While this was certainly an exaggeration all women knew that the bigger, stronger, more violent, testosterone driven male was both a subject of fascination and fear. As an advertising image this type of primal man was history and the hairless, boyish and less threatening archetype would be the only one moving product within a short while.
Saying there are a lot of gay men in the fashion world is a gimme, sort of like saying that there are a lot of liquified vegetables in my crisper. The stereotype of the well groomed gay man, while a stereotype no doubt, was borne of definite tendencies within gay culture (trust me on this one) . The neatly trimmed hair and nails and finely chiseled, well oiled torsos (back in a sec, a tad hot in here......just have to open a window...ahh, that's better) almost cried out for electrolysis and then jumped for joy when laser technology improved with the heightened demand. It wasn't long before ad execs realized that the typically unkempt and hirsute man needed more than a good shave, a splash of aqua velva, and a dab of brylcreem to get by.....these were just the tip of the iceberg. The inadequate hetero-male was a cash-bull just waiting to be invented, neutered and exploited. Women have played right along since they've had to deal with this crap for decades and gay men have barely noticed since it was part of their lifestyle already. That leaves us ordinary Joes to fend for ourselves....bearish, adequate, and proud.
More from the Blob later....time for my Brazilian.

Is There a Prophet in the House?

Frank Zappa was many things to many people: scatological iconoclast, iconological catologuist, ecclesiastical catholocist, sociological satirist, composer/guitarist etc. Little did I know that Prophet could be added to that list until I came across this clip on YouTube: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ce5JG978QV0
This was 20 years ago. Zappa is long dead and some of those pundits are alive and well and still as inane. At around the 10 minute mark of this clip you'll hear some insight and prescience that is quite startling but stick around for the rest....great stuff.
If you want more on pundit James Lofton try this astounding clip: http://youtube.com/watch?v=JIXdxWX8ujY and if you want to see some cool Zappa music check out this clip from 1968: http://youtube.com/watch?v=g3gqee7dhcU (funny intro, great groove and even a bit of Varese thrown in around the 3:45 mark) It's a fine clip but I couldn't help thinking "More tambourine!!"
As always, the Blob is your one-stop clearing house for eclectic information so keep those comments and questions coming.

A Look Back

On this solemn day many of us are taking some time to reflect on that awful morning five years ago when the world as we knew it changed forever. I'm not one to dwell in the past but I too have decided to take a look back to a day that changed our world in an important way...perhaps forever.
It was almost six days ago to the day that Katie Couric began her tenure at the helm of The CBS Evening News. I remember the details of that evening so vividly that it seems to have happened only yesterday.The stakes were high, the hype machine had raised expectations to levels that seemed insurmountable, and millions of TV viewers who had shared their morning coffee with Katie for years were now sitting down to their tuna casseroles, meat pies and "NutraSystem Pre-packaged Dinners". (I just got 5 bucks for that product placement!)
With the avuncular Walter Cronkite announcing her arrival in a heart rending and symbolic passing of the torch Katie took center stage and proceded to give the evening news the womanly touch that it's been so sorely missing lo these many years.
Part hard news, part news magazine , a pinch of humor and a dash of pop culture; Katie had succeeded in whipping enough fresh air into a stale format that the show, while still substancial, now had the frothy texture and tang of a citrus mousse.
Her sheeny legs were displayed prominently during a brief interview with columnist Tom Friedman but the constant close-ups on Friedman's trouser bulge were in poor taste and an obvious case of pandering to the "equal time" advocates.
So...Couric goes to CBS and is replaced at NBC by Meridith Veiera (or Meridith Viagra as I call her, mmmmm) who in turn is replaced at ABC by none other than Rosie O'Donnel who as far as I can tell had been doing not too much. O'Donnel's departure will no doubt free up a much coveted "nanny" spot but don't worry, I'm one step ahead of you all. The application is already in the mail!


The TV landscape has changed dramatically. The domino effect that followed the events of Sept. 5th is still playing itself out in ways that will only become clear with time. Stay tuned.....

Another Day Another New Sponsor

I'm not one to tout the glories of cosmetic surgery but who can argue with the results pictured here. Dr. Ante Petrino, the famous Filipino wunderkind, met the young woman pictured below on a beach in France and offered her the surgery free of charge in return for her appearance in his ad. The rest is history and her Mom (my GF Phyllis) who was at first reticent now sings the praises of the good doctor to anyone who will listen. Hmmmm...sort of gets me thinking...I wonder if he does penis reductions, these back aches are killing me!

Okay....Enough Already!!

A number of you (three) have been clamoring for me to get back to blogging and have been wondering about the 2 weeks of self-imposed silence. I've heard your collective "what gives?" and thank you for the push that I needed to return to the wonderful world of web whimsy.
I suppose I could lie and explain away my absence with some lame story along the lines of......I don't know....how about "my dire professional situation left me financially, emotionally, and spiritually deadened to the outside world" but who would buy that?!? I'll come clean without going into too many details today and simply say that it involved CSIS, Canada's gentler version of the CIA (they even provided the latest MacLean's magazine during the cavity search!) and some questions as to my relationship with our governor general, the Right Honourable Michaelle Jean.
A whole lot has happened during the past two weeks so I'll be playing catch up for a while but in the meantime you guys can help out by inflicting this site on your friends and neighbours. "Word of mouth" is a powerful promotional tool as is the coercive force of a finely honed axe. I think you'll all agree that the former option is the more palatable of the two...No? In that case make the wise choice and keep me away from the sharpening stone and while you're at it send money...no amount is too large.