Passing The Reins

Every once in a great while I'll get a question tossed my way that I won't respond to. Not because I don't know the answer or couldn't make one up in a pinch, but because on that particular day I'm too lazy. Today is just such a day...a warming chinook wind has brought relief to the snowbound countryside and so I will luxuriate for a while on the couch next to the picture window as I pass the reins (she supplies her own whip....nice touch!!) to The Blob's resident expert on etiquette and behaviour modification; Miss DeMeanor.

Dear Miss DeMeanor,

On a recent plane flight I was virtually assaulted by the person either directly behind or in front of me. We were all lucky enough to have 3 seats to ourselves, "lucky" I thought, until I realized that one of my neighbours was passing gas every 10-15 minutes. Honestly, the stench was so vile that I could taste it and it hung in the air for at least a minute. Holding my breath didn't work nor did angling the overhead air nozzles. This was not only rude but also anonymous and as such could have led others nearby to assume that it was I who was the culprit. Miss deMeanor, what is one to do in such a situation??

signed,

Puzzled in Pittsburgh

Dear maggot,

This is indeed a difficult situation but not without a few possible solutions. First is; grow a pair, but we know that's not going to happen so let's move on.

Tighter security since 9-11 means that attaching electrodes to the testicles/labia of the presumed culprit is out of the question (plus, if I read correctly, you couldn't tell who it was) as is bringing a gas mask on board...too likely to evoke suspicion.

Perhaps donning a baseball cap with an appropriate message at just the right time would work, maybe unfurling a small banner......

You'd think that the clients who come to my office/dungeon wouldn't dare fart in my presence and yet they do!! They must be gluttons for punishment but again, this isn't helping at all I'm afraid.

Here's a poem my Grand Dad used to read to me (Shelley, I believe) and these words of wisdom may help put things in perspective;

Hast thou ever loosed a tainted zephyr

from twixt thy southern cheeks

Like cutting into ripened cheese

foul Lucifer, it reeks

Exacerbated asthma

by unleashing a miasma

Killed a flock of lark

passing gas whilst in the park

Felled a herd of oxen

just by hissing out your toxin.....

Humble peasant or our Saviour

Tis' but human, this behaviour

Nature doth compel it

so relax, sit back, and smell it

We are but sweet flowers neath the nose of God.

OK you snivelling piece of crap...that's a lot more answer than you deserve. Gotta run, my 12:30 tabasco enema is here (loser).