Jonathan Deere writes:
Dear Blob,
I am a frustrated prairie boy from Winnipeg. I have discovered, from playing hours and hours of Wii, that I am a kick-arse Skier. The problem is that the only ski hill in the area is an old trash pile that has been grassed over. I think they have done a poor job, cause I can't seem to ski worth a gopher's dingle down that thing. I have aspirations of fame, money and many beautiful ladies knocking down my door. I am at a loss, please help me figure out this dilemma.
Bravo Jonathan, if that really is your name and you're not one of my stupid, alter ego posting friends (and by "stupid" I mean excellent). It's been a while since anyone has taken my mission statement seriously. It's there, on the masthead, for all to see and yet it's taken you Jonathan, a fine young man from our nations mosquito capital, to bring us back to The Blob's raison d'etre.
Before I get to the advice part of my response I have some business to attend to:
Apparently gopher dingles are a dime a dozen out there, or so you say. I happen to know a Chinese herbalist who will pay you most handsomely for as many as you can get your hands on. He tells me that back home in the Orient they refer to them as "prairie viagra" and the slogan is "ground Gopher Penis powder.....the new ground Tiger Penis powder!!!
He guarantees that the dessicated gopher dick will "make you lady happy all night!"
OK...skiing in Winnipeg. The short answer is that you should do what most Manitobans end up doing; move to Alberta. Failing that I'd stick with the Wii-ski, but come winter buy a huge LCD TV and open a few windows while you're playing. Thanks again for the question. Now get out there and start harvesting those gopher dingles!
13 comments:
Thank you for your swift response! While I'm at it, I have had some other nagging questions.
1. Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
2. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
3. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
I can't believe that I have been following this blog for so long, yet have been too shy to ask for answers until now.
Thank you again!
Jonathan Deere
I can tell you why there's never been such a headline. Psychics think things like winning the lottery are beneath them; or possibly too obvious. I just know instinctively they would never even buy a lottery ticket, let alone win! They have too much pride in their work!
My dear Blob! Why will you not see that which is so obvious? There it is, plain as the nose on your face; and you will not see it..........it is beyond me......(a knock on the door...)....but here, unless I am very much mistaken, is my pizza!! It pains me greatly that you are one of those that "have eyes, yet will not see"..........will you not have a slice?? Very well, then..........
For the very first time in the history of The Blob, you have a co-respondent from Winnipeg......at the same time as one of your quasi-regular co-respondents just happens to be in Winnipeg.........do you not see where this is leading?
Follow me closely here, Blob! A quasi-regular co-respondent, whose main "stock-in-trade" is to put forth inane questions and generally play "the fool" in public, who JUST HAPPENS to be in Winnipeg AT THE SAME TIME that "Jonathan Deere" appears on The Blob, writing from Winnipeg????? Really; it is simplicity itself!!! Yes, Blob!! A pathetic charade, by a very foolish man, easily unmasked!! Elementary, my dear Blob!!! Elementary!!!
(Are you quite sure you won't have a slice? It's quite, quite delicious!! Very well, then!)
Yes! Most certainly, my dear Blob! I would stake my life on it! "Dixxx" is masquerading as Mr. Jonathan Deere............and, sadly; only he will ever know the price that will one day be paid for this evil bit of subterfuge......I pity him, Blob, I pity him........he once showed considerable promise.......alas!!.......you are SURE you will not have a slice............??? Very well, then........
Bite me Sherlock.
JD
Well, Blobbie, I gotta tell ya........we keep lobbing floaters the size of beachballs right over the plate, and you just keep on taking called strike three (I know how much you love "The Grand old Game")!!!
Are you now like all those ridiculously over-paid, fat-cat professional atheletes who don't give a tinker's cuss any more? Have you considered the possibility that, maybe, just maybe, it's "time to hang 'em up"?
"Jonathan Deere" (aka Dixxx) asks some thought-provoking questions (OK, not really THAT thought-provoking.....but still!!)........nothin'!!!!!
One of the great fictional characters of the Victorian Age pops in for a visit...........nothin'!!!!!
Hard questions are asked about Dreidel Boy (BTW; would He smite mine enemies with Fire and Brimstone, yea unto the seventh generation, so that, lo, they shall be smitten, and stay smitten??).......still nothin!!!!!
"What (in the immortal words of Red Fisher) in thunderation is going on around here??????"
I'm so sorry Bonemikester, and right you are; I've been negligent in the extreme. The fact of the matter is that I've been very, very busy...'tis the season and all that sort of thing.
What's worse is that come tuesday I'll be off to our nation's capitol (Quebec City) for 6 days with virtually no computer access. I'll do my best to "top up" The Blob before I leave.
OK Jonathan...some answers
1.Q: Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
A: Obviously you haven't been reading the Montreal Gazette.
2. Q: Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
A: Most people assume it's an old superstition designed to keep the dead from escaping...I however choose to look at it from the opposite side. The nails keep the living (grave robbers, necrophiliacs and the like) from getting in!! A fine example of thinking outside the box if I say so myself.
3. Q: Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
A: We can Jonathan but first we must travel to Mumbai (what?.....was that too soon??)
Hi. My daughter is 5 years old and in kindergarten, and has always been considered a "good" child by everyone who knows her. In the past year, she's begun to have little fits (similar to a tantrum or meltdown) where she throws herself on the floor and fusses and complains about her legs, or her belly, "bothering" her. Later, I heard her mention that it feels like spiders crawling inside her, and now when she gets fussy, she'll throw herself on the floor and scream "SPIDERS!". (Yeah, sounds like a crazy kid, I know.)
Anyway, I know she's starting to milk this, but I really think she feels something physical. I mentioned it to her dr., but he said she might feel some minor thing, but she CAN control herself. Often this behavior occurs when she's asked to do something she doesn't want to do, like pick up her toys, but sometimes it's totally random. She could be heading off to go play, and then drop and yell "spiders".
Sometimes she writhes and kicks and yells in her sleep because of the "spiders". This makes me think she really does feel something. But... she never throws a fit at school or when she's playing with friends, so that leads me to believe her reaction can definitely be controlled.
Does this sound like a mental health issue (or just bad behavior)? Do you know what type of professional would address something like this? Any advice would be appreciated!
Teachermama
Dear Teachermama,
If you want some good advice, I'd advise staying away from this crappy site. You can ask me anything online at:
www.askgrace.com
I'm there for you.
Grace
Dear Teachermama,
Thank you for consulting The Blob and inspiring me to fulfill my mandate. Unfortunately, the trusting soul that once I was exists no longer. Regular contributor Dixxx, masquerading as Jonathan Deere, has fooled me once again and I am now suspicious of all inquiries, even your own.
Even though your question seems reasonable I can't help but think that you are Dixxx....truly...he haunts me!! I see a comment here; I think of Dixxx. I close my eyes to sleep; I think of Dixxx. Even when I'm talking to my girlfriend I think of Dixxx for heaven's sake!!
In case you really are Teachermama here are 2 words for you: celiacs disease, but I can't go into any further detail. Unlike Charlie Brown, I won't have Dixxx/Lucy pull the football away yet again.
Dear Grace,
Bite me!
BTW,
Thank goodness for Sherlock's literate and timely post. Otherwise, it were a dull day on the blob indeed! The only sour note for me was that I was expecting porno music to start when the pizza delivery person arrived, and I didn't hear a single note from sleazy saxophone, or fender rhodes piano. Oh well...
Teachermama, if that's who you really are, I think what you have on your hands is a child who's possessed by the Devil himself (Lawd have mercy!). It's time for a good, old-fashioned Exorcism! Call 1-800-GIT-DEVL for all your exorcism needs.
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