PLASMA

Ed. Note: The word plasma has nothing to do with the following post and everything to do with an offer by Mr. Troy Huber to pay $80 US for its inclusion in the title box. If anyone else out there wants to see their favorite word or words proudly displayed on the masthead a similar deal can be arranged.

"Where the hell have you been ??" you may rightly ask, after all, its been close to a month with no posts and this at a time when the world is spinning out of control and great social and political upheaval is the order of the day. Why did I not weigh in when the Chinese, not happy with using melamine to kill cats and dogs decided to put it in milk and other dairy products? I had to give up my favorite snack; Tsing Pao Bear Pancreas Cracker with 3 Cheese Flavour yet remained uncharacteristically silent.

The short answer is that I was taking my cues from John McCain. "What the f%*k!!" you may well exclaim but here.... let me explain.

When the US economy began its meltdown which led to a global financial crisis Senator McCain did the noble thing and suspended his run for the Whitehouse in mid-campaign until he helped find a solution.

How could I in good conscience keep writing my pithy crap while there was serious work to be done? I made a tough decision and suspended publication of The Blob while I took time out to work out my own answer to the problem. It was the right thing to do and despite the gentle coaxing and some light cajoling by my readers I took the time necessary in order to fulfill the task I had set for myself. I believe I've succeeded!




The Blob Economic Model: Towards a New Beginning

The Problem


Let's first take a look at the problem in a nutshell: The American dream holds that through grit and hard work you can rise up to a higher class than the one you were unfortunate enough to be born into....you can pursue happiness and, with a bit of determination, catch it! Unfortunately
there are millions of hardworking, not very well educated Americans working full time for poverty level wages that were led to believe that they could be homeowners and were given mortgages with no money down and no way of paying for them.

The greedy bankers were not regulated and soon they were selling these worthless mortgages to financial institutions all around the world (something called fiscal derivatives...don't ask, although Phiscal DeRivative works very nicely as a name...I see him in a smoking jacket...but I digress)

Anyways, no one has had the nerve to tell Americans, the world's most prolific consumers and credit pigs, that they were living beyond their means and now the shit has hit the fan.

Financial guru Alan Greenspan only yesterday issued his mea culpa thereby placating many of the pundits and analysts who finally have a bona fide Jew to pin the whole thing on but what has been done to fix the mess?

As best as I can tell they've borrowed from Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe and have begun printing up money and giving it away to prop up the economy. Something tells me this may not work.

Almost a year ago (oct 31, 2007 archives) in what many are calling a stunning act of prescience I published The Blob Theory of Napkin-based Fiscal Responsibility. Please go back and take a look.

I still contend that if we'd all practiced this policy there'd be no mess today but a mess we have, so how to clean it up?


The Answer

The recession is here and since it was greedy/stupid Americans that started it. it only makes sense that they should be the ones to put us in the clear. What is needed is an economic driver so irresistable, so powerful, that the world's banks will stop holding on to their money and begin spending and investing once again.

This driver should be something Americans already do and do well or better than anyone else, it should constitute a basic human need, it should have a proven track record and involve a renewable resource that can be mass produced at little cost but reap great profit. I'm talking of course about porn. It's time to ramp up the sex flick industry and get all Americans on board with a spirit of national unity not seen since the war effort of the 40's or Farm Aid.

From small cottage industry shorts to major studio productions with "A list" actors and actresses, the films that power the internet would now power the global economy as never before. Imagine an Angelina Jolie facial or a gang bang scene in Ocean's 12"!!.....Daniel Craig in "Quantum of Fuck" etc. Are you trying to tell me that there wouldn't be huge theater lineups, ticket riots etc?? Money would be changing hands faster than pancakes and the films would cost almost nothing to make. No CGI effects, no expensive locations, pure profit.

There is a risk that all the extra sex will cause a population explosion at a time when we can ill afford one but worry not. All indicators point to an Obama presidency and if he has his way with supreme court appointments then baby killing will be entrenched in the constitution once and for all (at least according to most right wing radio hosts).

At press time the plan is still in its formative stages and I still need to work out a few kinks (note to self: leave kinks in...niche market considerations).

It's great to be back!!