La Ségolene Lands on her Feet

The French presidential election is now history. This acrimonious contest drew uncommon international interest not only because France stands at a socio-political crossroads but more importantly because the leftist candidate Ségolene Royal was hot!! Her critics assailed her as authoritarian, a populist, and worse still a luddite (somewhat better...a MILF) while those in her corner were impressed with her stands on social justice and education. Indeed she has been a model of the ideals of feminine equality and empowerment since she, at age of 19, sued her own deadbeat father for monies owed so she and her siblings could attend university.

Never afraid to speak her mind, Sego even strayed into the murky waters of Quebec politics with her own unfortunate version of Charles DeGaulles infamous "Vive le Quebec Libre".

After the election loss she decided to take a break from politics but few could have assumed the confluence of serendipitous events that would have fueled her next career move.

As we all know, the famous girls group The Pussy Cat Dolls have just finished the arduous task of finding a new member. In the spirit of total transparency this was all played out on a reality TV series that caught the eye of many a critic who, like the rest of us, found the prospect of weeding through dozens of semi-talented but confident, lingerie clad, nymphette-type role models too hard to resist". (hear what 1 critic had to say) http://www.womensforumaustralia.org/index2.php?option=com_content&do_pdf=1&id=57

At its core, this show goes beyond just finding a new Pussycat Doll; it's about female empowerment, self-discovery and personal transformation," CW Entertainment boss Dawn Ostroff says.

"Our new line of action figures echoes this" she continued; "Little girls should know that they're never too young to start working on the teasing, burlesque style, sexuality that the Dolls espouse". The winner, announced only weeks ago on the final show, was a young woman named Asia who's sweet vocals and solid work on the pole sealed the deal. She was all set to embark on her exciting new career when group founder Robin Antin weighed in with the bad news. "When the French election results came in I had this flash of inspiration...Ségolene Royal as the newest PCD!!! She's got time on her hands, she's a very powerful and confident woman who will appeal to an older demographic and she can shake it like nobody's business! In short she's tres, tres sexy!!!" crowed the animated former choreographer who's botoxed face could barely conceal her excitement.

The Blob is proud to scoop the world press with the 1st publicity photo featuring the newest Doll. Look at this picture and you'll see a sassy 53 year old woman who has done a complete about face......she's the one on the far right.

More Adventures for Men

Author David Jerome is back at it again. The prolific writer is best known for his children's books and specifically for those with parents living alternative lifestyles. Most popular of course is "Daddy had his Weiner in another Man's Pooh-pooh" but he's had great success with several others such as : "My Mommy has a Penis", "What's That Stuff on the Carpet?", "A is for Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation", and "The Mysterious Disappearance of Jimmy the Gerbil".

Two years ago Jerome began writing serial adventures for men, namely the Turd Stuffington series, and he hasn't looked back! This installment (no.18) finds our trim hero recently returned from the hospital and recovering from a very serious bladder infection. As he struggles to get back into shape with strenuous workouts and light meals (all carefully mentored by his sidekick and roommate, Curtis) he finds that he may have bitten off more than he can chew on what was supposed to be an easy mission to Quadrant 17.

I loved every page of this book and couldn't put it down. Volume 18 doesn't just get thumbs up, it gets the full fist!!!! Have a great read!!!

Falwell That Ends Well

Jerry Falwell, the firebrand preacher, pioneering televangelist, and founder of the Moral Majority is no more. The founder and Chancellor of Liberty University and founder and Pastor of the historic Thomas Road Baptist Church(where his bloated carcass will remain on view throughout the week), died yesterday. He was 73.

I've followed Falwell's career since the early 80's when he took a small congregation and transformed it into a conservative powerhouse that had all manner of right-wing politicians pandering to him for the votes that he could deliver. My only regret is that he died too young....too young to have his career ruined by a sex and/or drug scandal a la Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard etc. Never will I have the pleasure of reading about Mr. Falwell outed as a transvestite nor will I know the joy of seeing the internet video of a drugged out Falwell moaning "I'm a creamed filled donut" as some skanky hooker administers a custard enema with a pastry bag.

To look at Minister Falwell is to know that there were skeletons in his closet and that his sins were greater than simply partaking too greedily of the Lord's bounty. The wily old fox, true to form and slippery as a greased hog, has taken leave and perhaps his secrets have died with him. Up in heaven he is surely enjoying the last laugh (My goodness Gabriel, these pork rinds are simply divine!! ho ho ho !!") as the high fives resound like colliding doves (simile generator or SIMGEN up and running again!!) .

Surely other corpulent and self-righteous men will rise to take his place but none with his smarmy smugness. Why is it always the elderly, obese ones who go first...why??!!

Seeing is Bullieving

Slaughter fight for 'sacred' bull
Hindus have launched a last minute appeal to prevent the slaughter of a sacred bull which has tested positive for tuberculosis. The bull, Shambo, lives in a shrine in Llanpumsaint, Carmarthenshire (Wales). Officials at the Skanda Vale Temple and the Hindu Forum of Britain, say the killing of cows and bulls is against their religious principles. The Welsh assembly government said infected animals were slaughtered to "protect both human and animal health". As a responsible organisation, the temple has sought professional veterinary advice to ensure that robust measures are taken to isolate Shambo and minimise the spread of disease but an assembly government spokesperson said TB was a disease which was transmissible to humans and other mammals.

Stories like this make me wonder how evolved the human race actually is, and I'm not just talking about Hindus here. Millions and millions of us roam the planet believing what are essentially fairy tales put forward by the organized religions of the world, stories that by and large are there to replace the old myths that we used to believe in.

For every sacred bull there's a vision of the Virgin Mary in some incongruous place that then becomes a shrine with people willing themselves to see a miracle. This photo of Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich (google it!!) looks a helluva llot like Marlene Dietrich but don't try telling that to the faithful who are bidding for the icon on Ebay like there's no tomorrow. Maybe this sandwich isn't a miracle but inexplicably just looking at the photo cured a little problem I'd been having with impotence (what can I say....I LOVE grilled cheese!!!) Stranger still is the famous Virgin Mary underpass salt runoff stain in Chicago that had people lining up just to get a glimpse and say a prayer at an image that bore a greater resemblance to a woman's privates than to the blessed mother of Jesus. Its been said that our brains are genetically programmed to recognize facial patterns and even assign these attributes where none exist ( i.e. the man in the moon). It seems like we've also been programmed not to see a huge vagina when it's staring us right in the face! (Or am I just imagining things???...hmmmm). I'm far from the 1st to cast aspersions on this phenomenon (check out this link for more photos like these of Mary and baby Jesus sharing a grilled cheese sandwich. http://cas.bellarmine.edu/tietjen/RootWeb/VirginMaryCheese.htm

Let's not forget about Shambo the sacred but tubercular bull......now there's an idea for a sitcom!!....

SHAMBO THEME

He's shambo the sacred but tubercular bull

Poor shambo, the fates have been unjustly cruel

In the old days you'd pull a plow or two

Now all they want you to pull is through

Oh Shambo the sacred but tubercular bull.

Hey Shambo, whatever are you gonna do

The health cops have put out a hit on you

The Hindus revere you as most superior

But we take one look and think"leather interior"

Dear Shambo we'd be really worried too!

So Shambo let's hope that you can stick around

As beef goes,you're better off not sliced or ground

When they sent you in for a diagnosis

Who knew they'd find tuberculosis

Shambo please stay safe and sound.

Shambo you'd leave a lot of lonely cows

They see you and never fail to get aroused

They voted you "bull they wished to be datin' "

The one who should do the inseminatin'

Shambo please don't leave us now.

Testing the Waters

Here's part of the press release for my latest CD. With my 2 week stint in Vegas behind me it seems like I might actually have a shot in the "funny business". Word of mouth helped audiences grow throughout the week and seeing as my material works best with an inebriated and under-educated crowd this was a golden opportunity in this desert jewel of a city!
My act harkens back to a more innocent age where your Woody Allen or your Shecky Greene didn't have to shout profanities to get big laughs. They also didn't see fit to flaunt their Judaism in public and chose more humble and goyish names. They led by example which explains why my stage name is a variant on my first two given names; Robert and Jeffrey. Today a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, a Sarah Silverman, a Hersch Goldenblatt (formerly Sinbad) etc. are more in your face about the whole Jew thing which I find rather distasteful.
The way I see it having a wasp name and a Jewish world view creates an incongruity that keeps an audience off balance and gives more control of the situation to the comedian. I had the Cesar's Palace crowd eating out of my hands by putting this theory into practice and my catchphrase; "I HATE myself!!!" is already showing up on T shirts. I'll be touring this summer...check out the act...buy the CD...let me know what you think.

Do I have a Future as a Stand-up Comedian? You be the Judge

Here is a link to my latest foray into the entertainment world. Based on the wealth of positive feedback I've recieved from my work on the Blob I've decided to try my hand at stand-up comedy. My act is a work in progress.... at press time little more than a series of indiscriminate noises, facial gestures, and onomatopoeiae but to my small but attentive audience ( young Kevin Mittleman) it seemed to do the trick. I was encouraged by the response but will be working hard over the next little while to flesh out the act. http://ca.video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=164300

Euphoniach - The Little Known yet Unimportant Jewish Holiday

Everyone has heard of the battle of Jericho, the one that Joshua fought. An army of Israelites led by Joshua laid siege to the great walled city under strict instructions from God which included the blasting of trumpets on the 7th and final day. As legend has it the walls crumbled and the city was sacked. Scholars have long contested the veracity of this account and believed that no number of trumpets could achieve the fabled effect.....scroll back 50 years to a dig in what used to be known as the land of Canaan where archaeologists unearthed remnants of a walled city and almost 100 crude, bronze age ancestors of todays's euphonium referred to in Hebrew as "Annoyim". Texts recovered at the site seem to indicate that only a minute amount of valve oil was available for all these instruments yet through the grace of God it proved to be sufficient! Acoustic physicists postulate that given the proper frequency and decibel level a clay wall of the type uncovered could have been structurally weakened.

Cue the Chief Rabbinate in Jerusalem......the miracle of the battle was quickly verified and sanctified and a new holiday, Euphoniach, was declared.

This week long celebration culminates on the 7th day (as did the actual siege) with a joyous and extroverted festival of music, wine, and dance. Only the most orthodox of Jews still take part in the controversial 7th day ceremony whereby the men are encouraged to proudly display their genitalia on the outside of their trousers as a symbol of the breaking down of walls, in this case the walls of propriety that strictly constrain the devout Jewish male during the other 364 days of the year.

Euphoniach begins each year at sundown on the 17th day of Tamuz ( early July in the Gregorian calendar). I celebrated my 1st Euphoniach in 5761 yet it seems like only yesterday. I won't say whether or not I participated in the 7th day ceremony but I do remember cursing God when I ran out of sunscreen..." hey asshole....would it have killed you to put a lttle more cream in the tube??!!"

There is much drinking of wine and, strangely, eating of mexican food (chief rabbi Moshe ben Eliazar had a thing for bean burritos) followed by traditional circle dances and in my family, Uncle Mervin's breakdance extravaganza....(he can't pop like he used to but he can sure lock!!).

Sadly the tradition of the euphonium serenade has gone by the wayside as the unfortunate combination of that particular instrument and too much wine often led to fisticuffs and in many families, legal action.

Here in Montreal the first warm rays of the sun are beating down and that can mean only one thing; Euphoniach is right around the corner!

What's In a Name?

The actor at left is none other than Ving Rhames (pictured in his remake of Kojak). While he's far from an A-list star he is becoming more of a known commodity. Most of us have heard of him by now and it occured to me the other day as for some unknown reason the sound Ving was rattling around in my head, that if Ving is acceptable then so is almost any other made up name out there.....all bets are off as far as standards of acceptability go!

Don't get me wrong, I'm no staunch traditionalist who wants a guy named Charlie or Stan serving me my steak and potatoes. Ving is a fine name but I think that it opens up a whole new world of choices where any and everything is possible.

We already have the hackneyed, attention getting ploy of some Hollywood types who name their kids Moon-unit, apple, and a myriad of other atrocities but I'm talking about every day names like Ving that should be seen as completely normal...... Pork, Melt, Harvest, Sizz, are examples of already known words or made up ones that when given a last name sound just fine. Go ahead, try it for yourself; Pork Munson (no relation to the Munson's Beveled Ham people), Melt Abramson, Harvest Miller, Sizz O'Reilly....see what I mean??!! These aren't crazy attention grabbers, just regular sounding names. You want something feminine...how about Chlorine? More ethnic...Spatula and Chlamydia. I could go on and on but you get the point. Thanks to Ving's parents we can now do as we please....go ahead Moms and Dads to be...get creative

OOPS....I Forgot My Own Anniversary

The Facts:The much heralded May 6th Blob anniversary date was little more than the result of a gross miscalculation compounded by carelessness and no small amount of hubris. The true date is actually May 21st and all celebrations will be put on hold till then.

The Excuse:To get more in touch with my religion I've been trying to live my life according to the Jewish calendar in lieu of attending synagogue, cutting bacon out of my diet, or keeping my hands off of shiksas. My only other option was painful and unnecesarry foreskin reconstruction (apparently they use skin from behind your own ear.......said one satisfied customer: "It may not look nicer but I swear I can hear things through my underpants!!") As you can imagine, living life outside of the Gregorian calendar mainstream is a difficult task seeing as I have enough trouble following even my regular agenda. A simple misreading of the exact Hebrew date and a faulty conversion later set things in motion and the date of May 6th was erroneously posted. I will henceforth return to using the Western calendar.

I apologize to those of you who were hurriedly putting the finishing touches on their notes of congratulations and/or gifts and assure you that MAY 21st is the official one year anniversary date.

One Year Later..Still Trying to Make the World a Better Place

As The Blob approaches it's first anniversary I can't help but glance back even as I look forward towards the year to come (may 6th to may 6th known as the Blobbal year). What has it all meant? All the ink spilled, the hours toiling alone raling against global injustice. Was I just howling into the wind like a lone wolf in the wilderness or in some small way did I make a difference? All the evidence points to meaningless howling but if it's good enough for a wolf it's good enough for me.


I've tackled the big issues with little regard for my own personal safety and after these many months can say that I may have made a rookie mistake by not aiming a little lower. As the great chef Brillat-Savarin once said "Yea, that most savourous loaf of bread is maedst of many small but delectiable crumbes." Allow me then to end the year fighting a small yet important battle, a minor skirmish amidst global conflagrations but a major annoyance nonetheless:


Towards a Rationalization of the Shoe Sizing System



The wayward fleet at right are known to those in the footwear industry as Brannock devices. We've all stuck our feet in them but few of us have any idea how they work and to what standards they adhere. I started asking a few basic questions and before long was led down a Byzantine path that is as convoluted and illogical as it is Byzantine, if not even slightly more Byzantine. I'll try to sort out this whole mess as briefly and simply as possible.

To begin with, several different sizing systems are used worldwide and in some regions different systems are used for different shoe types ( i.e men's ,women's, kid's, horse, sport, safety, cow, etc.)
Shoe size can be based on the length of the foot, the length of the inner cavity of the shoe, or the lenght of the form or last the shoe is created around. In Canada for instance the size is determined by the length of the last in inches multiplied by 3 and then minus a constant which will be different for men, women, and children and different again from country to country but sometimes just for men but not for women! Fascinating, eh?? (and stupid) There are even archaic terms such as the British barleycorn 1/3rd inch or the French Paris point or Paris prick (I kid you not) which is 2/3rds of a centimetre. There are international standards (mondo point), differing national standards and even more than one standard per country in rare cases.

Leave it to the Japanese though, their shoes are measured by centimetres and it's the same for men and women...period!! How simple is that? From here on in The Blob will refer to all shoe sizes using the Japanese Standard...I'm a size 29.5 for instance....and will gladly render this conversion service for any interested readers. As the influence of this site grows exponentially I believe that within few years N.America and Europe will go the Japanese route and the world will be the better for it.

Rounding out the Year

Women's Week is but a recent memory and now we can start the count down to The Blob's one year anniversary. The skeptics, cynics, sayers (both nay and doom), mockers, and doubting Thomases will have to eat humble pie with a nice side of crow as year two begins on may 6th. Notes of congratulations from around the globe should be arriving any day now and all my readers should stay tuned for some big changes and a flurry of festivities. Until then and in lieu of any inspired flights of whimsy I'll share some musical selections that are sure to bring a smile. Let's start with 5 trombones (count 'em!!), add a rhythm section led by an old Cuban named Manny Oquendo (the Count Basie of timbaleros), turn them lose on a Puerto Rican beat called a Plena and let's see what happens http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUHmwo1-X_o
Tax time (now) and the end of summer are when I have my two guaranteed bouts of seasonal depression. I'm managing to fend this one off thanks to a not insignificant return and by listening to this song over and over again. I love YouTube!!!!

Women of Importance (to me)

Goodbye Katie, Katie goodbye

That's Katie as in Katie Couric, host of the CBS Evening News and until recently a figure of some interest here at The Blob. Call me pathetic but I still figured that my own long-distance relationship notwithstanding, I could one day make her mine. My latest scenario had her downtrodden after being axed for languishing a distant 3rd in the ratings and me writing what would have to be the all-time greatest courtship letter. It would have to be concise (she's very busy and perky) yet show me to be empathetic, warm, intelligent, funny, yet with an edge of danger and mystery. I'd even make a sideways allusion to "old money" without going into the details of my collection of pre-1950 dimes (47 at the latest count!).

This fantasy goes on for a while but bottom line,I've decided to put this potential relationship on the back burner and most probably right into the trash. I began to sour on Katie after she did a terrible exclusive interview with presidential candidate John Edwards and his wife who had recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was pretty judgemental but has a way of prefacing her questions with "some people say" so it seems like its "them" and not "her" who are doing the judging. This is all made brilliantly clear in this editorial by commentator Brian Unger. Follow this link and then click Listen: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=9284381

More egregious still is the latest news of Katie's new boyfriend; Brooks Perlin. He's 33 (she's 50), a serious triathlete, former hedge fund manager ("helping the needy pay for shrubbery since 1932"), and prep-school grad. A breath of fresh air for Katie Cougar, Perlin is also highly intelligent, affable, and great with kids. Some say he is a doofus with studiously tousled hair while others assert that he is a shiftless golddigger who will one day break her heart (something I would never do).

Michaelle Jean: Tired but happy

Our beloved governor general has also been in the news of late and many people who know of her close ties to yours truly (see archives may 26, 2006) have written in to express their concern. The situation is explained in the following article excerpt:
Governor General exhausted, cancelling public appearances
The Canadian PressPublished: Monday, April 23, 2007
TORONTO — The Governor General has been forced to cancel events because of exhaustion.
A spokeswoman says Michaelle Jean is feeling physically fatigued and needs to get some rest.
Jean’s doctor recommended she take some time off ahead of a visit this week from the Hungarian president, Laszlo Solyom.

I just happened to be in our nation's capital last weekend to play bass drum in an Ottawa Choral Society performance of Orff's "Carmina Burana". Michaelle and I got together and lets just say more than made up for lost time playing our own version of "Meet the Hungarian president"!! No wonder she called in sick on Monday. When I got back to Montreal I was in no condition to meet foreign dignitaries either.

Something New From Blob Press International

There are magazines for every possible thing: Cat Fancy, Modern Philatelist, Newsweek etc. Here at Blob Press International we were about to lose hope of ever finding a publishing niche for a new magazine when it occurred to me that one of the most powerful and universal human experiences (sorry..that's already been dealt with...and that one too!!) has heretofore gone unpublished in any substantial and regular way. Here's the cover of our new magazine that will be available at better newsstands within the week:

Women's Week Cont.

China "women's town" to put men in their place
BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese tourism authorities are seeking investment to build a novel concept attraction -- the world's first "women's town", where men get punished for disobedience, an official said on Thursday.
The 2.3-square-km Longshuihu village in the Shuangqiao district of Chongqing municipality, was based on the local traditional concept of "women rule and men obey", a tourism official told Reuters.
"Traditional women dominate and men have to be obedient in the areas of Sichuan province and Chongqing, and now we are using it as an idea to attract tourists and boost tourism," the official, surname Li, said by telephone.
The motto of the new town would be "women never make mistakes, and men can never refuse women's requests", Chinese media have reported.
When tour groups enter the town, female tourists would play the dominant role when shopping or choosing a place to stay, and a disobedient man would be punished by "kneeling on an uneven board" or washing dishes in restaurant, media reports said.
I've been looking for a way to achieve balance or what the Chinese refer to as yin and yang in my relationship in one essential area. Google my name and you get many entries but Google GF Phyllis Jensen's and you get zippo. She's an accomplished woman of many skills and passions yet any internet search comes up completely empty. Well Phyllis Jensen...those days are over!! Thanks to me any of the lonely farmers you count among your neighbours can now find reference to you and should one of the many mental patients that you care for wish to know more about you the info is now just a click away.

I suppose writing about Phyllis (Jensen) in what is ostensibly a story about a women's town attraction in China seems a bit incongruous but the more I read and researched that article the more I was left wondering if they hadn't hired her as a consultant.

Almost as soon as she could walk Phyllis was given the nickname Barnboss around the family farm and has never since run into a situation that she couldn't at least attempt to control. Part Mom, part nurse, part dominatrix Phyllis Jensen has taught me more about how to properly love and obey a woman than I knew there was to learn. While I haven't yet mastered the art I feel I've made progress and with only a few more rounds of uneven board kneeling the process will be complete! So here's to you Phyllis Jensen and if Women's Town needs a lady mayoress you can count on my vote.
Ed. Note: While there are other entries for Phyllis Jensen and even for nurses named Phyllis Jensen there were to this point none for what in our opinion is the finest Phyllis Jensen of them all.

News Alert: Women's Week Interrupted

Flasher Exposes Himself to Lachine schoolchildren

Presses Canadienne Published Monday, April 23, 2007

Montreal police are on the lookout for a flasher

who has been exposing himself to schoolchildren in Lachine.

The man opened the door of his re van next to Victor

Therien elementary school on 43rd ave. and made sexual

gestures in front of children April 11 and 12, police said.

Witnesses told police the suspect was between 45 and 55,

has brown hair, and wears a blue baseball cap.

OK...so I'm the right age bracket, I have a red van, I live about 15 minutes from Lachine, have brown hair (sometimes obscured by the grey), and could probably dig up a blue baseball cap somewhere around here but the truth of thre matter is it wasn't ME. Call me paranoid but already, today at the grocery for instance, people were sneering and staring at me suspiciously. When I fumbled around in my pockets for change the woman in line behind me looked like she was about to faint. Talk about unjustifiable accusations....now I know how O.J. Simpson must have felt. Children today are subjected to all sorts of deviant behaviour. It's reached the point where just going to school can feel like walking through a minefield which is why I thought I could use my blog space most effectively by presenting the following public service announcement.

Students should make sure to familiarize themselves with the 3 types of flashers (pictured below) associated with schools:

Knowing right from wrong is your best defencse against perversion and having an understanding of the alcohol-fueled, insecurity inspired, "Daddy was never home", gray areas can lead to a better appreciation of the issues involved.

In football as in real life the best defence is a good offense. being proactive with even a young child who is displaying anti-social behaviour will pay big dividends in the future. A stern admonition and several hours a day of arm and hand constraints are often all that is needed (trust me...it works) which is why I must again remind all Blob readers, it wasn't me!!

ed. note: stay tuned for more women's week coverage. We wish to apologize for layout problems in the 1st paragraph. This blog is a free service and as such is given to occasional crappiness.

Women's Week at The Blob

We are all of woman born and today as always the fairer sex are by and large the nuturers and caregivers across the globe. Coming fresh on the heels of Earth Day, a celebration of our greatest matriarch Mother Earth, I thought it would be appropriate to spend the next few days paying homage to women here at The Blob. The following short films by collaborator, author, and therapist Lauren Butterfield offer a comprehensive look at many of the most important issues facing today's woman. Each is between 3 and 5 minutes long and can be viewed in any order. I hope you find them enlightening and entertaining. In the coming days I'll be focusing on other feminine issues and spotlighted women who are important in my life. If you have any suggestions or requests don't be shy...send a comment my way!

Episode #1: Your Vagina & Me
Episode #2: Breast Friends
Episode #3: Self Defense

Episode #4: Womenstruation

Episode #5: Express Yourself

Episode #6: Sexual Positions

Episode #7: Body Image

Episode #8: Dating

Episode #9: Childbirth

Episode #10: Harassment

Episode #11: Diet and Nutrition

Episode #12: Your Inner Woman

Episode #13: Alternative Medicine

Summer 2007.........Any Bets???

Those of you who glance occasionally at NewYorker covers, read Frank Rich's column in The NY Times, or have frequented the antacid section of pharmacies in Connecticut will need no introduction. For the rest of you Barry Blitt is one of today's foremost illustrators better known of late as Ricky Blitt's (Family Guy, The Ringer, The Winner) brother.

His acerbic wit, uncanny eye, and skilled hand have produced some iconic images over the years so it is with great anticipation that I await the launching of his website sometime this summer! Unfortunately the awaiting and anticipating may go on for longer than just the next few months. In fact, I've got a crisp $20 in my hand that says the only change in his home page will be a shiny new "2008" target date.

"Why should I care?" you may well ask and the answer lies in a close connection between Blitt and The Blob. For starters many of you who have perused the comment section know him as GrantTinker, Tterbfan, The Stern brothers, Kent from Verbagecontrol etc. He is also an old friend and for many years I played Charlie Brown to his Lucy. We often arranged to go to school together which involved him phoning me to tell me that he was leaving for the city bus, my cue to do the same in 10 minutes if I wanted to meet him. Somehow this almost never worked as it should have and I could wait anywhere up to 30 minutes before he arrived, sometimes in rather inclement weather. It was important for us to ride together because the bus was where we did some of our best work including improvised musical numbers (who can forget "Pack me a Bag...I'm Going to Detroit"), engaged in purposefully disgusting conversations trying and often succeeding in getting the person in front of us to move, openly discussed the merits of our selected handrail grips (my fave was the German L5 with its reversed thumb-lock and clever forearm counter brace against the vertical strut), and more.

Yesterday it was me rueing his procrastination but today it's the art editors of the many august publications that hire him who do the haranguing as the missed or almost missed deadlines pile up. Today is also when I throw down the gauntlet and say with all confidence that there is no way that the Blitt site will be up and running this summer....and I could give a damn about what miraculous drug cocktail they come up with, it ain't gonna happen!

Yes, this is a challenge and I'll wait patiently for a response....I'm used to waiting.

Blob Finishes out of the Money Again

'Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America' takes prize for oddest book title LONDON (AP) -

Rogue shopping carts beat green Nazis Friday in the battle for one of Britain's most unusual book prizes.
"The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification" was named winner of the Bookseller/Diagram Prize for oddest book title. Runner-up for the prize was "Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan," The other finalists were "Di Mascio's Delicious Ice Cream: Di Mascio of Coventry: an Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans," "Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium" and "Better Never To Have Been: the Harm of Coming Into Existence,"
Past winners of the 29-year-old prize include "People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It" and "How To Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art."

What's a guy to do I ask you?? Almost an entire year at The Blob with numerous terrible book titles to my name and not even a nibble of that precious prize money. Perhaps a retrospective is in order....as I survey my body of work I can't help but think that these are awful titles but evidently not awful enough! What could I have done? Maybe I wasn't applying myself. Maybe I was aiming too high.

After all is said and done I guess the best course of action after a loss like this is to use the experience as a catalyst for improvement....time to get right back on the horse then!

Here's this month's Blob Book Club selection and this time it's something for the guys:

Enjoy!!

Obesity in North America - The Blob Weighs In

It's a well known fact that the North America obesity rate has been climbing rapidly and has now reached epidemic proportions. As a society we also consume far more energy than any other on the planet. We weigh more than everyone else and we consume more than everyone else but until now no one has drawn an essential correlation between the two. After much research, number crunching, and I dare say, many a late night tryst with Lady Haagen-Dasz I've reached a startling conclusion that has put me at odds with many of my colleagues in the healthcare and socio-economic departments at the Academy. It is without further hesitation that I present for your scrutiny the results of my groundbreaking study:

The Fat of the Land: Eating Beyond Our Means or Balancing the Scales?

These graphs when viewed seperately are thought provoking in their own right but a comparison of the two shows some startling similarities.
What then are we to make of this? Based on my data I can only postulate that demographers who speak of "energy consumption per capita" have got it all wrong. What they should be referring to is "consumption per pound". In this light we N. Americans turn out to be only slightly more wasteful than our more narrow cousins to the east. Allow me to illustrate: To a demographer interested in a per capita approach the photos below display one person (subj.A) and six people(subj.B-G) respectively. I propose that based on The CPP index (consumption per pound) they are in fact equivalent as subj. A weighs as much as the combined weights of subj. B-G. This is completely in keeping with the natural order of things as larger animals (cows, hippos,elephants etc.) must consume more to maintain themselves just as the larger N.American must do. The US population alone balloons to almost one billion when looked at through the wide-angle lens of the CPP.(1 American = 3.27 foreigners)

While the smaller B-G group can easily nourish themselves with a modest bowl of fish, vegetables and rice, subject A has little choice but to gorge himself on such things as this delicious pizza topped with cheese and White Castle hamburgers famously known as "Sliders".

Our cars carry more weight and therefore use more fuel, our furniture must be replaced more often, and our health care costs are higher. When all factors are combined the conclusion becomes practically self-evident....every pound of North American human flesh uses the world's resources at or near the average global rate. This can only be good news for us as we leave the TV and lights on (to trick burglars) and pile into our Hummers (if we could fit into smaller cars we would) in search of the next double cheeseburger and triple thick shake.

I can only hope that the morbidly obese among us can take some consolation from my findings and that those who would stereotype the fat as lazy and stupid can take this study to heart and put an end to Weighcism once and for all.

Imus Be Crazy

It's comforting to be sitting here north of the border where racism exists largely (see Chariots of Fire) as it has for years in the Commonwealth....deeply entrenched, institutionalized, and dangerously discreet. Comforting because I can sit back at a distance and watch the massive and polarizing flare up that was ignited by shock jock Don Imus and is now threatening to burn out of control as rhetoric on both sides heats up. As luck would have it a rape accusation made by a black woman against 3 white Duke University students was tossed out of court two days ago and this along with the prevalence of misogynistic gangsta culture in today's youth has created quite a heady (not nappy-heady though) mix. Take a look at a couple of videos (click on the talking heads once you've linked to the site) http://hotair.com/archives/2007/04/12/open-thread-fireworks-on-the-factor-with-michelle-hosting and this article http://www.kansascity.com/182/story/66339.html to appreciate the extremes of lunacy and lucidity that sorround the issue.

As a child of the 60's with it's somewhat rosy and naive "Age of Aquarius" ethos I'd been led to believe that we'd have evolved beyond all this. Real progress was being made and this was mirrored in the pop culture of the day with hopeful songs and films like To Kill a Mockingbird and The Defiant Ones that showed that we could indeed overcome. Now all we have is a kind of secular zealotry that is giving the Shiites and Sunnis a run for their money. Red states, blue states, black victims, white victims all ever more entrenched and convinced of the infallibility of their views when in fact they are all right and wrong and the real color is gray. The vitriol level is soaring, the nattering is deafening....it's the perfect time for escape into the fabulous, make-believe world of reality TV....gotta run...time for America's Next Top Model!!

Norse Remorse- an Open letter to Amb.Havnen and the People of Norway

Dear Ambassador Havnen,
It was with a heavy heart that I read your scathing rebuke of Tuesday Apr. 10th. Somehow I've let an innocent joke go too far and in so doing have besmirched your great nation and it's delightful and industrious people. I apologize sincerely for my stupid and insensitive comments and trust that this will suffice. I can only hope that calls for a boycott of The Blob will go unheeded and that the powers that be will not see fit to suspend publication for any significant length of time. As you well know American radio host Don Imus (pictured here) recently referred to the Rutgers University women's basketball team as "nappy headed hos" and has payed a heavy price. Already he's lost his TV job and the radio show is teetering on the brink. Were the influential Norwegian lobby to focus negatively on The Blob I'm afraid the consequences, for my readers and me at least, would be dire. While my comments regarding Norway were way out of line I don't believe that I ever approached "Imus territory" (i.e. calling your people pasty faced fish eaters for instance ) and as such should be spared a fate similar to his. It is almost 40 years ago that the idea of the Norseman gained great popularity in western popular culture thanks to a singular television moment. I present a link to that very moment as a gift to you and all citizens of Norway with deepest regrets and warmest thanks for your kindness and understanding. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2MPT5RE&mode=related&search=

And Now a Message from the Norwegian Ambassador

From the offices of Ingvard Havnen:

Dear Blob,

It has recently come to my attention that your blogsite has made what some would call "questionable comments" regarding the great and sovereign republic of Norway. In my capacity as Norwegian ambassador to Canada it is incumbent upon me to defend my nations reputation and as such I'd like to take this opportunity to refute some of your claims.

While your lutefisk recipe of feb. 9th was not wholely inaccurate we frequently add lingonberries.....I ask you then; What of the lingonberries??!! Your contributor named Dixxx provided a wealth of interesting facts about my country yet you completely ignored him. That wasn't very Canadian of you and certainly not Norwegian. Skimming through your blog yesterday it occurred to me that were Dixxx to ignore you in a similar fashion there would in fact be no Blob and with your dangerous rants against Norway I had to ask myself "would that be such a bad thing?"

Yesterday you talked about the bodily insertion of herringfish as though that were a bad thing and completely disregarded its curative value. There's a reason why we have the lowest incidence of Tay-Sachs disease and Sickle Cell Anemia in the industrialized world! (and it's not that we only have 8 Jews and a handful of Negroes*) I hope you can put aside Canada's bitter defeats on the battlefield and the hockey ice at the hands of my countrymen and use the Blob as a venue for rapprochement rather than divisiveness.

Yours in Christ,

Ingvard Havnen

*Ed. Note- not to be confused with a Sergio Leone movie of the same name.

Towards a More Civilized Blogosphere

Toronto Mave writes:

"I think you and your friend Colin might want to check out the emergence of proposed new Blog 'guidelines' in this morning's New York Times. It seems you might be in for a bumpy ride in upcoming issues if you don't toe the line.....The article is titled..."A Call for Manners in a World of Nasty Blogs". I would be intereted in your perspective.Best of luck,M." http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/09/technology/09blog.html?th=&adxnnl=1&emc=th&adxnnlx=1176120960-19T6LTA6uJZQ3u3GcVAUhw













As we all know the Blogsphere is a freewheeling and often contentious place where you leave yourself open to harrassment for even so slight an infraction as ending a sentence with a preposition(which is actually OK BTW).






I followed TorontoMave's advice and cut/pasted my way to the NY Times article in question believing all the while that I've toed the line and have nothing but a smooth ride to look forward to. (OOPS!!!...should that have read "nothing but a smooth ride to which to look forward?")






The article, which I encourage you to read, is interesting but to be honest has little to do with content on The Blob. It's been many months since the firestorm of controversy died down (see archives May 27, 2006 "Enough Already") after I compared the subtle differences between two low brass instruments to subtly different dog turds. While some bloggers in the Times article complained of death threats from angry readers the low brass community never quite mobilized the organized protest that I'd feared. Sometimes too much alcohol can be a good thing!






By and large my readers and I have engaged in civilized discourse and have treated all subjects with fairness, openness, and tolerance. I pledge to continue this policy but simply must make an exception for the bloody Norwegians who can all shove f#*!ing herrings up their #!&* infested $/!!/*#!! as far as I'm concerned. To make things easier it's time to spell out a code of conduct to which we as Blobbers (and perhaps bloggers everywhere) should always endeavor to adhere. I give you;






THE TEN SUGGESTIONS

1. No gratuitous nudity (I reserve the right to invoke the Rosario Dawson/Rose McGowan clause)


2. Nobody wants to see pictures of your kids


3. The outing of homosexuals other than televangelists is wrong


4. Run-on sentences, while frequently helpful as a means of a certain type of literary expression, should be used only if and when the author (or authors as it were) decide, based on stylistic and diacritical considerations, that said form of prosaic or prose oriented communication would be the most effective way of transmitting their intended message to the targeted audience and to all those who fortuitously happen upon the written passage in question.





5. Any depiction of the prophet Mohammed is strictly forbidden as is any symbolic representation. i.e. You may write his name and show a can of refried beans but may not imply the he IS that can of beans. He is however allowed to have his own product line:

6. All of the world's organized religions are to be treated in a fair and equitable fashion and should be ridiculed thusly

7. Blob side panel advertisements should be perused at least once a week

8. Harrassment and death threats (even when directed to the cast of The View) are wrong and will not be tolerated.

9. It doesn't mean you actually blow on it!!

10. An idea should be put to rest well before one runs out of content

I'm proud of The Blob's polite and reasoned tone. As we approach the 1 year anniversary of this site let's remember to stick to "The 10 Suggestions" despite our baser instincts and all will be well.

Passover Explained

Passover is winding down just as Easter is gearing up and last night I had a few of my gentile friends over for dinner (I won't tell you what I served, for mine is a wrathful and vengeful God). Soon enough conversation turned to this most beloved of annual Jewish celebrations and as I fielded questions it occured to me that this would be a good subject for today's post.

Passover begins with two consecutive and enormous evening meals called "Seders". While there is no exact English translation for "seder" Talmudic scholars point to the word "reflux" as a reasonable approximation.

Many of the foods served have important symbolic meaning: The bitter herbs to remind us of our enslavement at the hands of the Egyptians, eggs in salt water...the latter representing the tears of our ancestors, charoses; a concoction made of chopped nuts, honey, apples and wine that resembles the clay used to make the bricks with which we, as slaves, built the pyramids, a lamb shank bone that harkens back to the lamb's blood that was used to paint the door posts of all Israelite homes so that the angel of death would whack only the 1st born sons of the Egyptians and pass over the Jewish ones.......and this is one of our happy holidays!!!

The one food that stands alone as a symbolic Passover staple is matzoh. These plank like sheets of unleavened bread look (and taste) more like something one would purchase at Home Depot than at a grocery store and indeed, matzoh, when carefully lacquered and cured makes wonderful acoustic tiling for your home studio and can be used in hand to hand combat.

Passover, as mentioned earlier, begins with the 1st seder which itself begins with lots of prayers, rituals, and recitations. By the time this is all done everyone is starving to the point where things like dry matzoh and a hard boiled egg sitting in a puddle of brine seem like the most delicious food ever! Every 1st seder quickly becomes a joyous feeding frenzy but just as the last piece of sponge cake is working it's way through your lower intestine it's time for another onslaught of savoury yet heavy holiday fare known as seder #2.

The remaining 6 days of Passover are basically a built in recovery period as your body's cardio-vascular and digestive systems work to rebound from the self-inflicted trauma. BTW if you're into good karma and happen upon a Jew during this period offer him a TUMS or similar product. It will be readily accepted with a wan smile and a weak grasping motion and you'll score major life points!

I hope this post has been informative and helpful. If you still have questions then ask away and I'll see what I can do. (Man it feels good when the blood stops pooling in your feet!!!)

The Blob - Your Link to Excitement

http://www.mrequipment.ca/wordpress/?p=18 A simple click of the mouse will transport you to the fascinating world of brass instruments from an insider's perspective but before you make the big move to the Mr. Equipment site perhaps a little background would be in order......

A couple of weeks back an old buddy of mine, Colin Murray (pictured above) gave me a call out of the blue as he was about to board a train back to his home town of Toronto. We hadn't talked in years and he explained away the many unreturned emails and phone calls with a quick "I was really busy", some derisive cursing and a hearty laugh.

Colin was about to start another website and having been apprised of The Blob by a mutual friend decided to hit me up for some advice. It took me almost 2 minutes to get him to stop referring to me as "the Master" and after careful reconsideration another 3 minutes to get him to start again! High praise indeed coming from one of the 1st people who, in the early 80's realized that the internet could be used for more than porn and launched the now defunct Brass Exchange.com.

A serendipitous practice session that combined his two great passions and extended his upper range led to his next site: Brass_and_Corset.ca but the world wasn't ready for this type of niche marketing so he let the website idea lay fallow for more than a decade while he killed time in retail/wholesale and music festival high school jazz band adjudication. The latter career came to an abrupt end when in a drunken rage he told 13 year old Meagan Doherty of Brampton,ON that her sax playing stank "worse than the death of Satan" and stormed off the stage. One successful stint ( and two not so successful stints) in rehab later and Mr.Equipment is up and running!!

Once there you'll find a slick looking site that combines a question and answer element with clever photoshopped images and witty flights of fancy...."What ho!?!!??" you say? "that sounds a helluva lot like the Blob!" Well....imitation is the highest form of flattery and the web is big enough for the both of us. I applaud Colin for his excellent use of the info gleaned from our phone conversation even as I consult my lawyers about copyright infringement.

BTW; I thought as a sort of "welcome aboard" gift I'd write you a jingle but am having a dang of a time rhyming Mr. Equipment. So far all I've got is

"If you need a horn

see Mr. Equipment

you'll get satisfaction

not a mystery shipment.

This sucks but so far it's the best I can do. More later....

A Gentle Prodding from Dixxx

Dear Blob,
I think I speak for the masses of Blob-o-philes when I say we are sorely disappointed in the lackluster performance of this beacon of journalism. Nary a glib quip about a pantyless bimbo, nor image of fecal matter has adorned this once hallowed URL in the last two weeks. No wonder the dirty Norwegians are outstripping us in every category that matters. Needless to say this poor showing makes baby Jesus cry.
Yours in Christ,
Dixxx

I`ve never accused trombonists of being an understanding lot and Dixxx, being a greased slidesman himself, is no exception. My recent excuses and pleas for time notwithstanding, Dixxx has chosen the tough-love approach and in so doing has forced me into some very risky behaviour. My legendary computer woes seem to now rest with an overeager anti-virus program that lets me play spider solitaire only after I type in the special 15 digit security code and views all on line content as suspicious and dangerous. Dixxx called me out and questioned my cyber-virility thereby leaving me with one choice....uninstall my anti-virus program or lose face. Bottom line: here I sit completely unprotected feeling as though I`ve just walked into an all male sauna on "Bareback Nite". I`m at the mercy of any two bit hacker from here to Sri Lanka and beyond and all this to please my insatiable tuft of readers.
The spam filter is off, pop-up blocker gone and all manner of unwanted crap is flying at me. I make this sacrifice for you dear reader and in the meantime I`ll try to find some protection that doesn`t make using my computer feel like taking a shower with my socks on.