Women's Week at The Blob

We are all of woman born and today as always the fairer sex are by and large the nuturers and caregivers across the globe. Coming fresh on the heels of Earth Day, a celebration of our greatest matriarch Mother Earth, I thought it would be appropriate to spend the next few days paying homage to women here at The Blob. The following short films by collaborator, author, and therapist Lauren Butterfield offer a comprehensive look at many of the most important issues facing today's woman. Each is between 3 and 5 minutes long and can be viewed in any order. I hope you find them enlightening and entertaining. In the coming days I'll be focusing on other feminine issues and spotlighted women who are important in my life. If you have any suggestions or requests don't be shy...send a comment my way!

Episode #1: Your Vagina & Me
Episode #2: Breast Friends
Episode #3: Self Defense

Episode #4: Womenstruation

Episode #5: Express Yourself

Episode #6: Sexual Positions

Episode #7: Body Image

Episode #8: Dating

Episode #9: Childbirth

Episode #10: Harassment

Episode #11: Diet and Nutrition

Episode #12: Your Inner Woman

Episode #13: Alternative Medicine

Summer 2007.........Any Bets???

Those of you who glance occasionally at NewYorker covers, read Frank Rich's column in The NY Times, or have frequented the antacid section of pharmacies in Connecticut will need no introduction. For the rest of you Barry Blitt is one of today's foremost illustrators better known of late as Ricky Blitt's (Family Guy, The Ringer, The Winner) brother.

His acerbic wit, uncanny eye, and skilled hand have produced some iconic images over the years so it is with great anticipation that I await the launching of his website sometime this summer! Unfortunately the awaiting and anticipating may go on for longer than just the next few months. In fact, I've got a crisp $20 in my hand that says the only change in his home page will be a shiny new "2008" target date.

"Why should I care?" you may well ask and the answer lies in a close connection between Blitt and The Blob. For starters many of you who have perused the comment section know him as GrantTinker, Tterbfan, The Stern brothers, Kent from Verbagecontrol etc. He is also an old friend and for many years I played Charlie Brown to his Lucy. We often arranged to go to school together which involved him phoning me to tell me that he was leaving for the city bus, my cue to do the same in 10 minutes if I wanted to meet him. Somehow this almost never worked as it should have and I could wait anywhere up to 30 minutes before he arrived, sometimes in rather inclement weather. It was important for us to ride together because the bus was where we did some of our best work including improvised musical numbers (who can forget "Pack me a Bag...I'm Going to Detroit"), engaged in purposefully disgusting conversations trying and often succeeding in getting the person in front of us to move, openly discussed the merits of our selected handrail grips (my fave was the German L5 with its reversed thumb-lock and clever forearm counter brace against the vertical strut), and more.

Yesterday it was me rueing his procrastination but today it's the art editors of the many august publications that hire him who do the haranguing as the missed or almost missed deadlines pile up. Today is also when I throw down the gauntlet and say with all confidence that there is no way that the Blitt site will be up and running this summer....and I could give a damn about what miraculous drug cocktail they come up with, it ain't gonna happen!

Yes, this is a challenge and I'll wait patiently for a response....I'm used to waiting.

Blob Finishes out of the Money Again

'Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America' takes prize for oddest book title LONDON (AP) -

Rogue shopping carts beat green Nazis Friday in the battle for one of Britain's most unusual book prizes.
"The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification" was named winner of the Bookseller/Diagram Prize for oddest book title. Runner-up for the prize was "Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan," The other finalists were "Di Mascio's Delicious Ice Cream: Di Mascio of Coventry: an Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans," "Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium" and "Better Never To Have Been: the Harm of Coming Into Existence,"
Past winners of the 29-year-old prize include "People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It" and "How To Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art."

What's a guy to do I ask you?? Almost an entire year at The Blob with numerous terrible book titles to my name and not even a nibble of that precious prize money. Perhaps a retrospective is in order....as I survey my body of work I can't help but think that these are awful titles but evidently not awful enough! What could I have done? Maybe I wasn't applying myself. Maybe I was aiming too high.

After all is said and done I guess the best course of action after a loss like this is to use the experience as a catalyst for improvement....time to get right back on the horse then!

Here's this month's Blob Book Club selection and this time it's something for the guys:

Enjoy!!

Obesity in North America - The Blob Weighs In

It's a well known fact that the North America obesity rate has been climbing rapidly and has now reached epidemic proportions. As a society we also consume far more energy than any other on the planet. We weigh more than everyone else and we consume more than everyone else but until now no one has drawn an essential correlation between the two. After much research, number crunching, and I dare say, many a late night tryst with Lady Haagen-Dasz I've reached a startling conclusion that has put me at odds with many of my colleagues in the healthcare and socio-economic departments at the Academy. It is without further hesitation that I present for your scrutiny the results of my groundbreaking study:

The Fat of the Land: Eating Beyond Our Means or Balancing the Scales?

These graphs when viewed seperately are thought provoking in their own right but a comparison of the two shows some startling similarities.
What then are we to make of this? Based on my data I can only postulate that demographers who speak of "energy consumption per capita" have got it all wrong. What they should be referring to is "consumption per pound". In this light we N. Americans turn out to be only slightly more wasteful than our more narrow cousins to the east. Allow me to illustrate: To a demographer interested in a per capita approach the photos below display one person (subj.A) and six people(subj.B-G) respectively. I propose that based on The CPP index (consumption per pound) they are in fact equivalent as subj. A weighs as much as the combined weights of subj. B-G. This is completely in keeping with the natural order of things as larger animals (cows, hippos,elephants etc.) must consume more to maintain themselves just as the larger N.American must do. The US population alone balloons to almost one billion when looked at through the wide-angle lens of the CPP.(1 American = 3.27 foreigners)

While the smaller B-G group can easily nourish themselves with a modest bowl of fish, vegetables and rice, subject A has little choice but to gorge himself on such things as this delicious pizza topped with cheese and White Castle hamburgers famously known as "Sliders".

Our cars carry more weight and therefore use more fuel, our furniture must be replaced more often, and our health care costs are higher. When all factors are combined the conclusion becomes practically self-evident....every pound of North American human flesh uses the world's resources at or near the average global rate. This can only be good news for us as we leave the TV and lights on (to trick burglars) and pile into our Hummers (if we could fit into smaller cars we would) in search of the next double cheeseburger and triple thick shake.

I can only hope that the morbidly obese among us can take some consolation from my findings and that those who would stereotype the fat as lazy and stupid can take this study to heart and put an end to Weighcism once and for all.

Imus Be Crazy

It's comforting to be sitting here north of the border where racism exists largely (see Chariots of Fire) as it has for years in the Commonwealth....deeply entrenched, institutionalized, and dangerously discreet. Comforting because I can sit back at a distance and watch the massive and polarizing flare up that was ignited by shock jock Don Imus and is now threatening to burn out of control as rhetoric on both sides heats up. As luck would have it a rape accusation made by a black woman against 3 white Duke University students was tossed out of court two days ago and this along with the prevalence of misogynistic gangsta culture in today's youth has created quite a heady (not nappy-heady though) mix. Take a look at a couple of videos (click on the talking heads once you've linked to the site) http://hotair.com/archives/2007/04/12/open-thread-fireworks-on-the-factor-with-michelle-hosting and this article http://www.kansascity.com/182/story/66339.html to appreciate the extremes of lunacy and lucidity that sorround the issue.

As a child of the 60's with it's somewhat rosy and naive "Age of Aquarius" ethos I'd been led to believe that we'd have evolved beyond all this. Real progress was being made and this was mirrored in the pop culture of the day with hopeful songs and films like To Kill a Mockingbird and The Defiant Ones that showed that we could indeed overcome. Now all we have is a kind of secular zealotry that is giving the Shiites and Sunnis a run for their money. Red states, blue states, black victims, white victims all ever more entrenched and convinced of the infallibility of their views when in fact they are all right and wrong and the real color is gray. The vitriol level is soaring, the nattering is deafening....it's the perfect time for escape into the fabulous, make-believe world of reality TV....gotta run...time for America's Next Top Model!!

Norse Remorse- an Open letter to Amb.Havnen and the People of Norway

Dear Ambassador Havnen,
It was with a heavy heart that I read your scathing rebuke of Tuesday Apr. 10th. Somehow I've let an innocent joke go too far and in so doing have besmirched your great nation and it's delightful and industrious people. I apologize sincerely for my stupid and insensitive comments and trust that this will suffice. I can only hope that calls for a boycott of The Blob will go unheeded and that the powers that be will not see fit to suspend publication for any significant length of time. As you well know American radio host Don Imus (pictured here) recently referred to the Rutgers University women's basketball team as "nappy headed hos" and has payed a heavy price. Already he's lost his TV job and the radio show is teetering on the brink. Were the influential Norwegian lobby to focus negatively on The Blob I'm afraid the consequences, for my readers and me at least, would be dire. While my comments regarding Norway were way out of line I don't believe that I ever approached "Imus territory" (i.e. calling your people pasty faced fish eaters for instance ) and as such should be spared a fate similar to his. It is almost 40 years ago that the idea of the Norseman gained great popularity in western popular culture thanks to a singular television moment. I present a link to that very moment as a gift to you and all citizens of Norway with deepest regrets and warmest thanks for your kindness and understanding. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2MPT5RE&mode=related&search=

And Now a Message from the Norwegian Ambassador

From the offices of Ingvard Havnen:

Dear Blob,

It has recently come to my attention that your blogsite has made what some would call "questionable comments" regarding the great and sovereign republic of Norway. In my capacity as Norwegian ambassador to Canada it is incumbent upon me to defend my nations reputation and as such I'd like to take this opportunity to refute some of your claims.

While your lutefisk recipe of feb. 9th was not wholely inaccurate we frequently add lingonberries.....I ask you then; What of the lingonberries??!! Your contributor named Dixxx provided a wealth of interesting facts about my country yet you completely ignored him. That wasn't very Canadian of you and certainly not Norwegian. Skimming through your blog yesterday it occurred to me that were Dixxx to ignore you in a similar fashion there would in fact be no Blob and with your dangerous rants against Norway I had to ask myself "would that be such a bad thing?"

Yesterday you talked about the bodily insertion of herringfish as though that were a bad thing and completely disregarded its curative value. There's a reason why we have the lowest incidence of Tay-Sachs disease and Sickle Cell Anemia in the industrialized world! (and it's not that we only have 8 Jews and a handful of Negroes*) I hope you can put aside Canada's bitter defeats on the battlefield and the hockey ice at the hands of my countrymen and use the Blob as a venue for rapprochement rather than divisiveness.

Yours in Christ,

Ingvard Havnen

*Ed. Note- not to be confused with a Sergio Leone movie of the same name.

Towards a More Civilized Blogosphere

Toronto Mave writes:

"I think you and your friend Colin might want to check out the emergence of proposed new Blog 'guidelines' in this morning's New York Times. It seems you might be in for a bumpy ride in upcoming issues if you don't toe the line.....The article is titled..."A Call for Manners in a World of Nasty Blogs". I would be intereted in your perspective.Best of luck,M." http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/09/technology/09blog.html?th=&adxnnl=1&emc=th&adxnnlx=1176120960-19T6LTA6uJZQ3u3GcVAUhw













As we all know the Blogsphere is a freewheeling and often contentious place where you leave yourself open to harrassment for even so slight an infraction as ending a sentence with a preposition(which is actually OK BTW).






I followed TorontoMave's advice and cut/pasted my way to the NY Times article in question believing all the while that I've toed the line and have nothing but a smooth ride to look forward to. (OOPS!!!...should that have read "nothing but a smooth ride to which to look forward?")






The article, which I encourage you to read, is interesting but to be honest has little to do with content on The Blob. It's been many months since the firestorm of controversy died down (see archives May 27, 2006 "Enough Already") after I compared the subtle differences between two low brass instruments to subtly different dog turds. While some bloggers in the Times article complained of death threats from angry readers the low brass community never quite mobilized the organized protest that I'd feared. Sometimes too much alcohol can be a good thing!






By and large my readers and I have engaged in civilized discourse and have treated all subjects with fairness, openness, and tolerance. I pledge to continue this policy but simply must make an exception for the bloody Norwegians who can all shove f#*!ing herrings up their #!&* infested $/!!/*#!! as far as I'm concerned. To make things easier it's time to spell out a code of conduct to which we as Blobbers (and perhaps bloggers everywhere) should always endeavor to adhere. I give you;






THE TEN SUGGESTIONS

1. No gratuitous nudity (I reserve the right to invoke the Rosario Dawson/Rose McGowan clause)


2. Nobody wants to see pictures of your kids


3. The outing of homosexuals other than televangelists is wrong


4. Run-on sentences, while frequently helpful as a means of a certain type of literary expression, should be used only if and when the author (or authors as it were) decide, based on stylistic and diacritical considerations, that said form of prosaic or prose oriented communication would be the most effective way of transmitting their intended message to the targeted audience and to all those who fortuitously happen upon the written passage in question.





5. Any depiction of the prophet Mohammed is strictly forbidden as is any symbolic representation. i.e. You may write his name and show a can of refried beans but may not imply the he IS that can of beans. He is however allowed to have his own product line:

6. All of the world's organized religions are to be treated in a fair and equitable fashion and should be ridiculed thusly

7. Blob side panel advertisements should be perused at least once a week

8. Harrassment and death threats (even when directed to the cast of The View) are wrong and will not be tolerated.

9. It doesn't mean you actually blow on it!!

10. An idea should be put to rest well before one runs out of content

I'm proud of The Blob's polite and reasoned tone. As we approach the 1 year anniversary of this site let's remember to stick to "The 10 Suggestions" despite our baser instincts and all will be well.

Passover Explained

Passover is winding down just as Easter is gearing up and last night I had a few of my gentile friends over for dinner (I won't tell you what I served, for mine is a wrathful and vengeful God). Soon enough conversation turned to this most beloved of annual Jewish celebrations and as I fielded questions it occured to me that this would be a good subject for today's post.

Passover begins with two consecutive and enormous evening meals called "Seders". While there is no exact English translation for "seder" Talmudic scholars point to the word "reflux" as a reasonable approximation.

Many of the foods served have important symbolic meaning: The bitter herbs to remind us of our enslavement at the hands of the Egyptians, eggs in salt water...the latter representing the tears of our ancestors, charoses; a concoction made of chopped nuts, honey, apples and wine that resembles the clay used to make the bricks with which we, as slaves, built the pyramids, a lamb shank bone that harkens back to the lamb's blood that was used to paint the door posts of all Israelite homes so that the angel of death would whack only the 1st born sons of the Egyptians and pass over the Jewish ones.......and this is one of our happy holidays!!!

The one food that stands alone as a symbolic Passover staple is matzoh. These plank like sheets of unleavened bread look (and taste) more like something one would purchase at Home Depot than at a grocery store and indeed, matzoh, when carefully lacquered and cured makes wonderful acoustic tiling for your home studio and can be used in hand to hand combat.

Passover, as mentioned earlier, begins with the 1st seder which itself begins with lots of prayers, rituals, and recitations. By the time this is all done everyone is starving to the point where things like dry matzoh and a hard boiled egg sitting in a puddle of brine seem like the most delicious food ever! Every 1st seder quickly becomes a joyous feeding frenzy but just as the last piece of sponge cake is working it's way through your lower intestine it's time for another onslaught of savoury yet heavy holiday fare known as seder #2.

The remaining 6 days of Passover are basically a built in recovery period as your body's cardio-vascular and digestive systems work to rebound from the self-inflicted trauma. BTW if you're into good karma and happen upon a Jew during this period offer him a TUMS or similar product. It will be readily accepted with a wan smile and a weak grasping motion and you'll score major life points!

I hope this post has been informative and helpful. If you still have questions then ask away and I'll see what I can do. (Man it feels good when the blood stops pooling in your feet!!!)

The Blob - Your Link to Excitement

http://www.mrequipment.ca/wordpress/?p=18 A simple click of the mouse will transport you to the fascinating world of brass instruments from an insider's perspective but before you make the big move to the Mr. Equipment site perhaps a little background would be in order......

A couple of weeks back an old buddy of mine, Colin Murray (pictured above) gave me a call out of the blue as he was about to board a train back to his home town of Toronto. We hadn't talked in years and he explained away the many unreturned emails and phone calls with a quick "I was really busy", some derisive cursing and a hearty laugh.

Colin was about to start another website and having been apprised of The Blob by a mutual friend decided to hit me up for some advice. It took me almost 2 minutes to get him to stop referring to me as "the Master" and after careful reconsideration another 3 minutes to get him to start again! High praise indeed coming from one of the 1st people who, in the early 80's realized that the internet could be used for more than porn and launched the now defunct Brass Exchange.com.

A serendipitous practice session that combined his two great passions and extended his upper range led to his next site: Brass_and_Corset.ca but the world wasn't ready for this type of niche marketing so he let the website idea lay fallow for more than a decade while he killed time in retail/wholesale and music festival high school jazz band adjudication. The latter career came to an abrupt end when in a drunken rage he told 13 year old Meagan Doherty of Brampton,ON that her sax playing stank "worse than the death of Satan" and stormed off the stage. One successful stint ( and two not so successful stints) in rehab later and Mr.Equipment is up and running!!

Once there you'll find a slick looking site that combines a question and answer element with clever photoshopped images and witty flights of fancy...."What ho!?!!??" you say? "that sounds a helluva lot like the Blob!" Well....imitation is the highest form of flattery and the web is big enough for the both of us. I applaud Colin for his excellent use of the info gleaned from our phone conversation even as I consult my lawyers about copyright infringement.

BTW; I thought as a sort of "welcome aboard" gift I'd write you a jingle but am having a dang of a time rhyming Mr. Equipment. So far all I've got is

"If you need a horn

see Mr. Equipment

you'll get satisfaction

not a mystery shipment.

This sucks but so far it's the best I can do. More later....

A Gentle Prodding from Dixxx

Dear Blob,
I think I speak for the masses of Blob-o-philes when I say we are sorely disappointed in the lackluster performance of this beacon of journalism. Nary a glib quip about a pantyless bimbo, nor image of fecal matter has adorned this once hallowed URL in the last two weeks. No wonder the dirty Norwegians are outstripping us in every category that matters. Needless to say this poor showing makes baby Jesus cry.
Yours in Christ,
Dixxx

I`ve never accused trombonists of being an understanding lot and Dixxx, being a greased slidesman himself, is no exception. My recent excuses and pleas for time notwithstanding, Dixxx has chosen the tough-love approach and in so doing has forced me into some very risky behaviour. My legendary computer woes seem to now rest with an overeager anti-virus program that lets me play spider solitaire only after I type in the special 15 digit security code and views all on line content as suspicious and dangerous. Dixxx called me out and questioned my cyber-virility thereby leaving me with one choice....uninstall my anti-virus program or lose face. Bottom line: here I sit completely unprotected feeling as though I`ve just walked into an all male sauna on "Bareback Nite". I`m at the mercy of any two bit hacker from here to Sri Lanka and beyond and all this to please my insatiable tuft of readers.
The spam filter is off, pop-up blocker gone and all manner of unwanted crap is flying at me. I make this sacrifice for you dear reader and in the meantime I`ll try to find some protection that doesn`t make using my computer feel like taking a shower with my socks on.

THE EDITORS OF THE BLOB WISH TO INFORM YOU OF A TEMPORARY SERVICE INTERRUPTION. FOR REASONS UNKNOWN IT HAS BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO DOWNLOAD AND PRESENT PICTURES FROM THE MAIN COMPUTER.

OUTSOURCING, WHILE AN OPTION , THROUGH THE USE OF MY PARENT`S COMPUTER HAS PROVEN DIFFICULT WHAT WITH THE CONSTANT INTERRUPTIONS; (BOBBY CAN YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS AND REACH THIS PITCHER FOR ME....WILL YOU GO BUY SOME MILK IF YOU HAVE A MINUTE....ARE YOU ALMOST FINISHED, I WANT TO PLAY FREECELL ETC.) A TEAM OF EXPERTS HAS BEEN CONTACTED AND WILL ENDEAVOUR TO RECTIFY THE SITUATION WITH THE SHORTEST POSSIBLE DELAY. THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES...YOUR OVERWHELMING OUTPOURING OF CONCERN, THE LETTERS FROM LITTLE CHILDREN, AND EVEN THE GIFT OF THAT STRANGE SMELLING BOX OF CHINESE BEAR PENIS POWDER (TAKE IN MORNING-MAKE LADY HAPPY ALL NIGHT!!) HAS BEEN MOST APPRECIATED.
THANK YOU

Posts from the Edge

Here I am back at my parent's house stationed in front of their computer. Familiar sights and smells abound...a favorite sofa, whimsical knick-knacks, time worn carpets imbued with faint hints of long dead pets and a thousand casseroles. It's all strangely comforting and yet I feel untethered....my own computer is back in the shop after an unfortunate attempt at re-installing Windows XP that included a minor short circuit and an unresolvable Catch 22 type situation. My old room that I shared with my brother is now my parent's office and the computer sits in the exact former location of the bed that some 30 years ago I abandoned in favor of the couch in the den and unfettered late-nite access to the TV.

2 days ago I felt optimistic about getting my comp up and running but after my dismal failure I can't shake the overwhelming feeling of despondency. Sure the days are getting longer and warmer but today is bleak and grey. The rain is helping to melt the snow and leaving behind a winter's worth of thawing, swill- like residue. A stench hangs over the city like a wet elementary school curtain as I sit here, forcing myself to write, trying to fend off the suffocating, fetid darkness. I must find cause for hope....soon the comp technician will call....maybe the news will be good. It's election day here in Quebec. Later I will cast my vote and hold my head high as I participate in that most sacred of democratic privileges and duties. Then there's that coupon for 1$ off on a DQ Blizzard that's burning a hole in my pocket. If oreo/banana can't turn my mood around then nothing will!!

Taking a break from typing I part the faux wood/melamine blinds that had only seconds ago shielded me from the outside world and look up see the sun struggling to pierce the thick layer of stratus. The old lilac tree, still dormant, is now a temporary roost for a handful of wrens who chatter excitedly about surviving another winter and on the nearby sidewalk a gnarled old man horks up a glistening slug of phlegm before he boards the #104 bus for destinations unknown. He is choosing his path and I must do the same....Ah! My cell phone beckons....it must be the repairman with the good news!!

On the Comeback Trail

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, a glimmer of hope, and a newfound reason for optimism. Despite the dearth of recent posts I still haven't lost the ability to pad a sentence with well camouflaged redundancies as evidenced by the first sentence. This was a talent mined in elementary school and polished to a brilliant sheen during high school and university. Indeed, my grade 7 answer "cardboard in general and boxes in particular?" set the tone for much of what was to come later in pop culture including Bart Simpson's famous "corn or as the Indian's call it maize".
As I sit here at my parent's computer in the very room where I, as a youth, learnt about the art of procrastination (more about this later) my own computer is once again at the shop awaiting the installation of a brand new hard drive. Once this is done all I have to do is re-install Windows, transfer old files to the new drive, physically remove the old drive, install my new anti-virus software, await the inevitable flood of error messages, and then break nearby things in anger and frustration.
My loyal readership must be feeling neglected and if it's any consolation I do feel guilty even though, as an uninformed neophyte, my only mistake was not buying a MAC in the 1st place.
As I approach the one year anniversary of The Blob I can take a step back and from this perspective see how I've potentially boxed myself into a corner content-wise by avoiding the traditional "blog as diary" approach in favor of an eclectic blend of just about anything other than my own day to day life. Nothing could be easier for me than to pad out the Blob with mundane personal details on the days where inspiration (an interesting news story, a personal flight of fancy, a reader's contribution, ass jokes etc.) is hard to come by.
I'll leave you with this one thought that may help increase my readership through word of mouth: Currently there are more regular readers of The Blob in Norway than in Canada. This fact alone is shameful enough but add that to their victory over us in the WWII and the 7-1 shellacking they administered to our hockey team at the last winter olympics and a woeful pattern begins to emerge. Get Blobbing Canada...let's show these bloody Vikings that we mean business!!

Photoshop Fun - Contest No.1

*All applicants must be over the age of 18 and have liberal attitudes about nudity, moisture and dentistry. The amount of the cash prize will be determined by "the number of entries" times "the amount of advertising revenue earned by The Blob during the contest period" minus "any and all expenses incurred by The Blob as result of the adjudication process i.e. lunch, bus fare, gum etc."
In lieu of a skill-testing question the contest winner will be required to sit through an entire screening of Jersey Girl starring Ben Affleck.

Another International Women's Day has Come and Gone

In honor of the occasion I had a few of the girls over. We read selections from Eve Ensler's (author of The vagina Monologues) latest and watched The View and then Oprah. I served various salads, a passion fruit wine cooler, triple fudge decadence cheesecake, and later we discussed empowerment, the vagina, Oprah and the empowerment of Oprah's vagina. (you go girl!!).
It occurred to me that Spring Break coincides annually with Intn'l Women's Day and that this fortuitous confluence of events says much about the advances women have made over the decades. Indeed, Spring Break as observed in North America by the youth of today affords young coeds with a unique yearly opportunity to strut their stuff and assert their own sexuality in ways that their predecessors in the women's movement could hardly have dreamed of. This is a cause that is well worth it and one that The Blob has championed since the very inception of the site.
Throughout the month of March young people will be streaming south to the resort citites of Florida, Mexico, and the Caribbean. For many this will be a rite of passage and perhaps the most important step on that tortuous road to adulthood. Here at The Blob, and for a limited time only, I'll be making available a fabulous new product line from Grrrlz Inc. aimed specifically at young women embarking on this voyage. For many this will provide just the self-esteem boost needed to get right into the action:
''FunBaggz'' protective aircushion will take the edge off of a drunken fall from a hotel balcony (caution: max. 3 floors, will not work on fat chicks). This form fitting and discreet undergarment lends just the right touch of added security to a night of raucous binge drinking.
"The SafeKini" is a must have. You've spent hundreds of dollars on the sexiest, skimpiest swimwear only to have it ruined after a week of Spring Break festivities. The SafeKini is resistant to oil, jello, dessert toppings, vomit,and most puddings and it's velcro fastening system will help maintain the integrity of the fabric during even the most spirited bout of substance wrestling. You'll be a big hit with the guys in a Safekini!!!
"L'il T's" pre-moistened T shirt (pictured below) is another indispensable item that just screams Girl Power. This is not your Mother's wet T shirt!!
So there you have it....our public service outreach program to 19-23 year old coeds continues. Remember, here at The Blob.... we care!

The Greatest Marimba Orchestra Ever!

Contributor Tim H. sent along this little tidbit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rapKdd6aUI that harkens back to a time and place where people made real music for the sheer joy of it all. Strangely, all the keyboard instruments are backwards (maybe this was a gimmick) but they are played musically and with accuracy nonetheless. At 1 minute and 15 seconds check out one of the most heroic solos ever as the bass player overcomes some sort of horrific seizure and cranks out the notes. (and while your at it check out the babe with the great maracas!!) This is one musical journey well worth taking!

Crisis Mode

Every blogger I know has the same fear, a feeling of dread in the pit of the stomach, a sense of doom and helplessness should the unthinkable, the unmentionable ever occur. This past week I've been dealing with the very Hell hinted at above....the "spate of work"!!! Actual work, hard work where they pay you for doing stuff. Difficult, time consuming work that keeps me from Blobbing; my one true yet non-paying passion.
I've warned you readers in the past that one day this could happen here at The Blob but never really expected that it would come to pass. Lo and behold it's Spring break during my week with the kids, I'm involved in concerts that require tons of personal practice, there are instrument rentals with their respective deliveries and pick-ups, family matters and other logistical concerns.....all merged into a kind of perfect storm of personal responsibilities and The Blob had to take a back seat. I apologize but until each of my 5 regular readers pony up a solid 15 to 20 thousand that's just the way it's gonna have to be for the next little while.
In the meantime here's a little Spring break story, a 100% true story that happened just yesterday. Benjamin, my 14 year old is a clever, strapping young lad given to monosyllabicism and Nintendo. He had no plans for the break but my ex-wife MC found this teen activity program at the local YMCA that sounded cool. Day 1: pizza making at Domino's followed by a movie. Day2: winter sports....what could be bad. We approached him with this option and even though he had no friends that would be enrolling and it was completely outside his comfort zone he agreed with very little hesitation. I was quite proud of him to say the least. I dropped him off early yesterday morning and picked him up at 4. "How was your day?" I asked. "OK, not great" he replied...."They gave us this tiny ball of dough and we just put a bit of sauce and cheese on it...that was all I had for lunch. The movie was pretty good (Wild Hogs) and there were only 4 other kids there.....I didn't know any of them from school." Later on he told the same thing to his Mother only to have the phone grabbed away by Lara, my daughter, who told her "the rest of the story"! The 4 kids there: 1 hyperactive with Tourette's Syndrome, 1 blind kid with retardation and 2 with Down's syndrome. Benjamin had spent his day in a group activity for the mentally challenged or disabled. In MC's defence there was no way of knowing that the organizers had planned for this to be a mixed group. They didn't tell her when she signed the boy up nor was there any real advertising that indicated the true nature of the project. He was OK and knows that it was a good eye opener and learning experience, not to mention a good story to tell about his well-intentioned but unfortunate Mom. She told him that if he felt out of place there at least he knows how those kids feel every day and that his presence there probably made them happy. He felt that they really didn't notice he was there and were more concerned with, as he put it " staying on the sidewalk". Here's hoping you have a better Spring break.

Another Problem Solved

Hello, my name is Turhan Mirak and I'm the founder and CEO of The SockBin and co-owner of Sockworks and Gilbert's Fine Hosiery for Men. In Istanbul we say "a man would no sooner have a hump than a camel to wear socks" Occasionally though, a man would develop a hump on his back and, using a kind of reverse logic borne of desperation and poor schooling, try to cure himself by actually putting socks on his camel. This usually resulted in his premature death but that's besides the point. The important thing to take away from all this is that socks, coming as they do, between a man and his shoe or the earth have always been a revered part of the wardrobe in my native country of Turkey. Indeed, a drawer stocked to the brim with well maintained socks is an important symbol of status and, after the mole count, one of the first things that a prospective bride will check upon meeting a possible husband.
When I first moved to Canada 8 years ago I was dismayed and puzzled by the lack of respect payed to the sock and made it my mission to elevate the image of this special article of footwear.
At first using aroma therapy strategies in our outlets proved a dismal failure but we quickly rebounded with a techno/rave campaign that brought in the younger, hipper crowd that retailers crave. We went to bolder colors and borrowed designs from some of the most popular tattoo choices of the 15-30 crowd. Indeed our "Tatz" line is now our biggest seller.
We began advertising on The Blob and saw our sales jump by 17% in 2 months. We've seen steady increases ever since. Here is a recent comment from a Blob reader that I found most interesting:
"....who ever thought to play hard driving techno music in the stores must have been a genius. There is nothing like choosing a pair of socks with a slammin groove to nod your head to. It's like saying "Yeah, Yeah, these are awesome socks!" The only problem is when you get home to put them on they don't seem so awesome anymore. What can I do to prolong my socks buying experience?
A perceptive client with a legitimate complaint....I immediately called a meeting and 5 hours later Ecstasox were born. Imagine that you're a 20 year old at a rave. It's 3 in the morning, you've been dancing since 11, and you've met this really hot chick that you'd like to get with. All the bathrooms are packed so you decided to bring her back home but by that time your drugs have worn off and, in the words of our comment writer; "she doesn't seem that awesome anymore." Another hit of ecstasy......problem solved!
All we did was to borrow from this typical experience and incorporate it into our sock manufacturing process. Each Ecstasox unit is impregnated with minute amounts of an ecstasy-type designer drug that is easily absorbed through the skin of a well groomed and moisturized foot. 10 complete wash cycles later and you'll still be experiencing that lighter-than-air feeling you had when you 1st purchased them. When the effect starts to wear off a simple shot of EcstaPep Refreshener Mist and.....problem solved!
In closing I'd like you all to pay a visit to your local SockBin retail outlet. I guarantee you'll have a good time and buy a great sock. Who knows.......you may even find it...... habit forming?

Element of Style

Perennial Mendy (see archives, Dec 15th) winner and no stranger to the red carpet, Ytterbium made quite a splash at last night's Oscar gala as newcomer Jennifer Hudson's escort. Clad in a smashing burgundy bow tie from Versace's couture collection the Hollywood heavyweight (and occasional paperweight) was clearly glowing with pride after Hudson's victory was announced. Hudson, who has been dating the same man for 7 years, was quick to deny any romantic involvement with element #70: "My boyfriend had to stay back home because of work so I called Tterb who's been a good friend of mine since high school. I just couldn't face tonight alone and he's always been real supportive. I leaned on him a lot this evening, he's been a total rock."

Later at the Vanity Fair after party Ytterbium has these cautionary words for Jennifer: "After I won my first Mendy it really went to my head...I kind of let myself go, staying out late, trying to alloy myself with the wrong elements, eventually I got completely oxidized and had to spend three months in a very large flask of a mild acidic solution.

Jenn is young and has a tendency to put on lots of weight very quickly. You've all heard her sing, it's no mystery that her biggest influence is Aretha Franklin...I just hope she doesn't start overeating like Aretha...have you seen that woman?!! Check out her latest album...what a shocker!"

And so, another Oscar night came and went. Jennifer Hudson and the rest of the winners joyously clutched their statuettes while the other revellers were left to wonder if perhaps next year it would be their turn.

Oscar Thoughts a la Blob- Not Just Another Pissing Contest

What can I say about an Oscar night where Al Gore gets the biggest laugh? Ellen Degeneres was wry with gusts to droll and will never be invited back, likeable though she is. The daytime schtick just doesn't cut it.
Martin Scorcese and The Departed cleaned up even though it wasn't really the best film out there. The academy members, feeling remiss for having slighted the great director in the past, all joined in to create their own equvalent of the biggest pity f**k since I lost my virginity some years ago. He's still my favorite director but I'd have preferred if he won for Goodfellas.
The true stroke of genius this evening was canning the annual dance number and hiring Pilobolus in its stead to do several 10 second shilouetted masterpieces of motion.
Fashion wise there were the usual hits and misses. Among the latter were J Lo who looked like an upscale sofa and Naomi Watts (in bright yellow with a black belt) who looked like a bumble bee.
Cate Blanchett was stunning and made the case for being gaunt while Oscar winner Helen Mirren was simply breathtaking. I can only hope my tits look that good when I'm 61!!

The Art of the Nap

By LINDSEY TANNER, AP Medical Writer Mon Feb 12, 4:25 PM ET
CHICAGO - Office nappers now have the perfect excuse: New research shows that a little midday snooze seems to reduce the risk of fatal heart problems, especially among men.

The news from the world of science just keeps getting better and better. 1st a study comes out that shows male sweat to have aphrodisiac qualities and now this. Napping and sweating are two of the things that I excel at and if, in the near future, they prove that eating too much pizza prevents cancer then I'll have hit the trifecta!

This all harkens back to a study published about half a decade ago that concluded that fidgeting helped burn a significant number of calories over the course of a year, and I quote:

Some brains may be wired to encourage fidgeting and other restless behaviors according to new research published by The American Physiological Society. This line of research suggests that frequent minor unconscious movements such as fidgeting and other behaviors associated with restlessness burn calories and help control weight. The study "Elevated hypothalamic orexin signaling, sensitivity to orexin A and spontaneous physical activity in obesity resistant rats," appears in the March 2002 edition of the American Journal of Physiology-Regulatory, Integrative and Comparative Physiology published by The American Physiological Society.

The young man at left, typical of the restless sample group watches between 1 and 2 thousand hours of TV annually but gains 10 pounds less than the more sedentary control group because he fidgets 40% more. The proof is in the pudding and apparently our young man at left has been as well. Were it not for his incessant finger twiddling there would be significantly less room on the rest of the not-too-surprisingly empty sofa.

No sooner had the American Journal of Physiology-Regulatory, Integrative and Comparitive Physiology (better known today as Maxim) hit the newsstands than we were overwhelmed with fidget-themed exercise videos as entrepreneurs and fitness gurus alike tried to cash in on the study's findings. Look for a similar spate of Napping DVDs any day now.

(ed.note: video at left featured participants in various states of repose twitching rhythmically to pop music of the 60's and 70's)

This is Really Happening People! (Anna Nicole's Myth)

Come and listen to a story 'bout Anna Nicole

She felt at home with a G string and a pole

But then one day she decided to pose nude

Next thing ya know she's marryin' some dude

(Old that is, billionaire, tortoise-like)

Well she had no talent, couldn't sing or act

She earned her keep being blonde and really stacked

The old guy died and he left her his estate

But the stress of litigation made her gain a lot of weight

(bloated that is, krispy kremes, haagen dazs)

So she signed with TrimSpa and lost a hundred pounds

Slept with lots of opportunist clowns

Made quite a splash on reality TV

And showed her life for what it was, a tragicomedy

(alcohol that is, sex and drugs, more sex and drugs)

Anna was a victim of her own success

A lifestyle fueled by ridiculous excess

A lousy childhood and a chronic lack of love

Let's hope she finds some peace in the heavens above.

(the ultimate rehab, set a spell, take yer clothes off)

photo -top row L to R: J. Howard Marshall; old,dead, rich ex-husband, Larry Birkhead girlish, potential dad #5 of daughter Danniellyn, Judge Larry Seidlin; robed nutcase.

bottom row: Virgie Arthur; estranged, lumpy mother, Howard K. Stern; lawyer, lover, enabler, Anna Nicole Smith

original photo courtesy of CBS

Please...Don't Wake Me Up!!!

I've only been disconnected from the web for a few days but during that time it seems as though I drifted into a reverie where the bizarre and illogical fantasies of my subconscious became some sort of hyper-reality. I dreamt of a restless spotlight, it's bright beam never focusing for more than a minute: 1st it trains itself on a diaper clad astronaut bent on revenge only to be whisked over to the tragic death of former nude golddigger Anna Nicole Smith but wait....now it spies the even more tragic life of Brittney Spears as she checks in and out of rehab before shaving her head, going in and out of rehab yet again and...whoa....now it's back at Anna Nicole and a crying judge named Larry has finally decided where to bury her rapidly decomposing body.

Please, don't bother writing in with your analyses. These were clearly the result of random misfirings in my cerebral cortex and any attempt to make sense of them will surely end in failure. I was really enjoying the daydreams until I was brought back to reality by a little something in my comment section that prompted some investigation and revealed a disturbing hoax. Here's the comment:

Shannon O., Chicago said... Dear Blob,I am a first time inquirer, long time reader.What I'd like to know is, what are the mechanics and philosophy of gerbil stuffing? How are the gerbils inserted and retrieved? Don't they bite and scratch? Why not hamsters or snakes? Is this a common practice? My curious friends and I await your reply with bated breath. --Shannon O., Chicago

I was overjoyed at finally having penetrated the Chicago market and was getting set for a great answer with some initial photoshopping (and a reasonable premise based on the gerbils penchant for tunneling into the warm soil of their native Gobi desert) when my research led me to Cecil Adams and his well known column; The Straight Dope and then to a question from one Shannon O. (what a tangled web we weave...) the very same that was copied and pasted verbatim into my comment section. Imagine my diappointment; no reader from Chicago, no reason for a well formed answer. If you must know then go here. I can't be bothered to explain. http://tafkac.org/animals/gerbilling/gerbils_gerbils_and_more.html

BTW After a lot of noodling around I think I have a fairly solid internet connection so there'll be more Blob to come. It's late now so I think I'll give it a rest, maybe watch a little CNN before hitting the sack, see if anything intersesting is happening in the news.

Technical Difficulties, Perseverance, Rage, resignation....

The title of this post pretty well sums up my week and I'd not be speaking to you today were it not for the drastic measures I've taken. After trying everything to get back online including spending 1/2 an hour on the phone with a helpless and not-at-all helpful tech support lad I decided to resort to the dangerous and barely understood "System Restore" (think of regression therapy for your comp). I don't know why I wasn't able to access Internet Explorer but system restore helps bring me back to a time before what I'll heretofore refer to as "the great upheaval". I'd seen time travel before; Superman spinning the world backwards, Marty McFly and his souped up Delorean, Homer Simpson and his toaster, but I hadn't actually attempted it myself. Desperate, wary, yet undaunted I undertook the process hoping only that I wouldn't somehow be trapped in the whirling vortex of the time/space continuum only to be spat out God knows where.....a naked gladiator ready to do battle, a scantily clad serf paying allegiance to my feudal Seigneur, naked and cold in a Stalinist era women's gulag....I didn't care, I had to get back to The Blob!!

A few clicks of the mouse later and the deed was done. My computer was whole again and I was none the worse for wear (strangely I no longer need eyeglasses or Cialis). I am in fact on my 2nd round of system restoring because it works but only temporarily so. This afternoon I will get a hold of the best anti-virus software money can buy and get back to the serious business of Blobbing. After all, there's so much to comment on and the world doesn't stand still just because my computer is on the fritz..........or does it????

Let's Take This Baby for a Spin!

Dixxx said...
I have found a device that may be of interest to readers of the blob. Should things get hot and heavy tonight, here is an idea that may serve you well 9 months from now.colitz.com/site/3216423/3216423.htmWhat an age we live in!

For those of you too lazy to check out this link here is what all the fuss is about. Look carefully and you'll be able to make out a woman in a centrifuge about to deliver a baby. This is an actual U.S. patent developed but never, how should I say, brought to term, in the mid 1960's. Besides 5 diagrams there is also a long technical treatise which basically asserts that the modern North American woman (of 50 years ago), far more sedentary than her evolutionary ancestors, needs the help of centrifugal force to ease the trauma of childbirth. In principle a great idea so what went wrong? I thoroughly checked out the patent application, had some of the Blob research crew go digging around in the U.S. Patent Bureau archives, and I believe we've come up with an answer....a combination of design flaws and the inventor's misunderstanding of human anatomy.

In early tests a startling 17% of babies flew out of the vagina and crashed against the containment cylinder....you'll thank me for sparing you the photos of the newborns after they sluiced down to the floor. Even after the addition of strategically placed pillows there was no way to keep mothers from fainting (diminished bloodflow to the brain) or from the baby's delicate digestive system ending up in it's chest cavity.

The centrifuge was never marketed but a later, retooled version saw limited success as a fecal disimpaction machine. Soon enough, however, both doctors and patients alike realized that there was no replacement for a skilled nurse with a knowing hand and a lubricated rubber glove. The bottom line is that science marches on but with the occasional, and often fascinating, misstep.

Happy Valentine's Day

I awoke this morning full of expectation and wonder, another Valentine's day was upon us. Even though here in the Northeast we're in the throes of our 1st major winter storm I remain undaunted and filled with love. As luck would have it the strong winds make for a driving, horizontal snowfall which I figure will just blow everything over to the neighbours (happy shovelling suckah!!!) but this for me is a mere bonus.

As someone firmly ensconced in a long distance relationship I of course will be spending today alone. I get to avoid the hackneyed "flowers, chocolates, dinner, concessionary sexual practices routine" (Hallmark conducted a recent poll that indicates that globally there are more instances of sodomy and other deviant sex acts between established couples onValentine's Day than any other day of the year with the local exception of Holland's Ass-sexeDag) but I still take the time to add a few of the little touches that make today so special: a 3rd cake of Shredded Wheat, a double dose of Febreze for those "hard to clean" areas of my house, and who knows, I may even call in sick today for work! As light and gay as I feel though I've been buoyed further still by news from the world of science....it appears male sweat has aphrodisiac qualities!!

I'm no scientist but I am somewhat of a sweathog, indeed I can work up a healthy glow just thinking about getting off the couch to fetch the morning paper from my front porch.

While I haven't read the report I feel that I can readily support these findings with my own empirical evidence from a recent trip to Colombia. The air was tropical and humid, the average daily temperature was 33 (low 90's) and I was a walking rainforest...how then to explain my inordinate success with the ladies! Once again science provides the answers and speaking of science, check out this video dealing with the cultivation of psychotropic fungi to help put you in a holiday mood. Have a happy day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udMReG1mwyk

Canadian (mal)Content

Canada is by and large a socialist country and as a taxpayer who enjoys reaping the benefits of our mostly equitable system I can't complain (I can and will but hang on a sec). I love the free health care, cheap prostitutes, and home veal subsidies(....what?...you didn't know about those??) and I'm able to spend a lot of time working on The Blob rather than search for employment because of our social safety net which is all the security I need! I was what you'd call a self-satisfied Canadian until I got this in the mail:

Ist of all what kind of name is Konrad Von Finckenstein (no joke!!) and how did he get to be chairman. I thought I was doing pretty well in the CanCon department and now this. With Big brother breathing down my neck I suppose I'll have to put a more Canadian slant to things. That shouldn't present too much of a problem but feel free to complain if it does. Let's start with a look at Canadian talent and ingenuity that will be sure to please Mr. so called Von Finckenstein.

http://www.jokeroo.com/extremevideos/human_can_opener_crazy.html

More Cool Stuff and a Minor Beef

I don't know what you're supposed to call the brother of your girlfriend so I'll just refer to him as Dan (which also happens to be his name). Anyways Dan sent me an email featuring the chalk sidewalk drawings of Julian Beever and they freaked me out. I found a short film on youtube that I'll share with you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyPhCO3LrtQ (so very sorry about the horrible Eurotrash soundtrack) For a better look go to his website: http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm.

As for the beef I'm not at all happy with some trends in fashion terminology i.e. the illogical use of the singular "shoe" or even worse "pant" when referring to a pair of either. I can't stand sentences like "He wore a simple brown shoe with a khaki pant" but because of shows like "Queer Eye" and "What Not to Wear" they are becoming increasingly prevalent. A pair of shoes are definitely 2 things and a pair of pants are arguably 2 things because of the seperate legs but why do we say "a pair of underpants"? They are clearly 1 thing and the fact that they have 2 leg holes won't sway me. After all a shirt has 2 arm holes but we don't say a pair of shirts and a thong has 2 leg holes but we still use the singular and save the term "a pair of thongs" when we want to refer to beach sandals or flip flops.

The problem with the word "underpants" lies with the fact that we are talking about a singular garment that lies beneath a pluralized one; pants. Should we simply say "an underpant" or drop the "pair of" and just say "underpants"? The truly logical choice would be "an underpants" but that's so ungainly and leaves us back at square one. I think I'll go to bed now...my head hurts a lot and clearly I have too much time on my hands.
Maybe one of you out there can straighten this out.