Happy Birthday Charlie

Charles Darwin turns 200 today (yesterday actually, according to my watch) and in the 150 years since the publishing of On the Origin of Species his genius and insight into the workings of nature's hand have been proven time and time again. Indeed, it would be years before biologists and geneticists found the mechanism of genetic mutation which allowed for natural selection to take place.

Undenied prescience yes, but Darwin's theory was never able to account for well documented instances of de-evolution. My premise begins with the postulation, supported by a vast amount of research, that drums were the first musical instrument. Rather than launch into a lengthy explanation I'll use a simple illustration to demonstrate my point....you'll get the

picture.

Watch This!!

Thanks go out to the wonderful composer Robert Jones for this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka-sHA74N40 Words cannot do it justice so just click and enjoy.

In a tangentially related story Muzak Corp. has filed for bankruptcy. The elevator music people once thought to be immune from even the most severe economic downturn may soon be no more. Said company spokeswoman Susan Strepco: "We were as surprised as anyone by the recent numbers...I guess in retrospect switching to an all euphonium format was a bad move."

Where to Begin or: And Baby Makes 15

By now you've all heard about Nadya Suleman, the single mother of 6 who literally gave birth to a litter of 8 more babies. Since a picture of, or comments by her were unavailable we were left to decide by ourselves where we stood on this issue using only our prejudices as our guide. Which of these females do you think is Suleman??:

If you said #4 then you were right.......I mean #2, so you can put those images of a backwards, peasanty, hijab wearing, woman back in the racist drawer where they belong ! (over there, next to the pantry of iniquity)

She finally gave an interview a few days ago. If you missed it here you go: http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=28485500

Listen and judge for yourselves.....the $165,000 settlement she received from Workman's Comp apparently went for collagen injections in her lips...how she navigates through the rest of her life is anyone's guess. How she breast feeds the little one's is a subject I've been worrying about and I may be able to help, thanks to my friends at Wet Nurses Without Borders.

The wet nurse......no , not that kind of wet nurse you losers (you know who you are!!) practices a time honored tradition that in the west was commonly used by royalty, who had too many babies to take care of themselves. As a result, breast feeding came to be looked upon as something poor people did. Now that the health benefits of mother's milk are beyond question finding a real wet nurse is more difficult...this is where WNWB comes in. Buxom young women in the prime of life volunteer their services for the greater good and those like Nadya Suleman will surely benefit. Failing that there's option B: the Milk Bank. Only one such supplier exists in Canada, out West I believe, which means that the time is ripe for someone...maybe me, to open my own. I think I'm the right man for the job, after all, the prudes at FaceBook recently censored a page that featured breast feeding mother's with exposed boobies. This prompted me, apalled as I was, to start the group "Very Immature Men for the Right of Lactating Women to Bare Their Breasts"

I'll hold milk drives, Red Cross style, and be on hand to oversee the operation, even pitching in with the extraction should need be.. Great plan eh?? I'll get to work 1st thing tomorrow but now it's probably a good idea to sleep on it. G'Night all.....

How Low Can You Go??

Say it ain't so Michael Phelps. The American olympic wunderkind is all over the news of late with the recently released photo of him and a bong of some sort, allegedly used for the purpose of inhaling marijuana. His gold medal haul made him an instant international idol to adults as well as legions of kids and now his millions of dollars worth of endorsement deals appear to be in jeopardy. No....not because of a harmless toke, that actually shows that he's cool, according to most ad execs The Blob was able to contact.

My sources at the British rag; News of the World, have sent me tomorrow's front page and it's a doozie!! Apparently the college party Phelps was attending had more than its fair share of marching band geeks and the swimming star, blitzed out of his mind, grabbed a euphonium (possibly a baritone...at press time this was still unclear) and made a complete fool of himself.

He already has a look that some say is a bit doofusy and paired with one of the more lame instruments.....well....companies have been jumping off the Phelps band wagon like fleas off a flaming vole.

He has already issued a statement fresh on the heels of yesterday's grass related one and here it is, reprinted for readers of The Blob:

"I admitted yesterday that my marijuana use was a youthful mistake and will not be repeated, unfortunately the same cannot be said for my ill conceived use of a euphonium. In what amounts to a complete lapse in judgement and good taste I now realize that I have let down so many and may have done irreparable damage to my marketable image as a cool, wildly successful, olympian.

I suppose I could blame the whole unfortunate episode on a childhood marred by sexual abuse and alcoholic parents but this would be too easy. Something else is at play here and I will take the next several months to do some serious soul searching before I am ready to return to the public spotlight. Tomorrow you will see a picture of me playing a euphonium and you will

thing that I'm a gigantic dork. I understand...please forgive me."

Rebusing on a Sunday Afternoon

It's time once again for some rebuses (rebi?) and as always there will be prizes galore for our clever winner. Some of the clues are a tad esoteric but over all these should be a snap. Let's get going then:

It's fun for you and time consuming for me which helps keep me from focusing on the miseries of human existence...enjoy!!

Past winners have included the mayor of Red Deer, Al, young Jeremy Bouw and even younger basement dweller Troy Huber. Good Luck!!

To the Video Tape

When semi-regular contributor Dixx starts ferreting out gems on the internet I can only sit back and say thank you. He's a kindred spirit, a fellow prospector who, like many of us, enjoys squatting down next to a bubbling torrent of streaming video and panning for those shining nuggets of cyber-gold.

The first clip leads to the 2 he sent for no other reason then that it's first. It shows that people were just as creative and naked in the 80's as they are today:

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=4Rv8fcJeGAU&feature=related

Here are the 2 amazing ones Dixx sent:

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=z46jvbZdP2g

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=rgtN-CtU_BU&feature=related

The final clip deals with Flarf, an intentionally awful form of poetry. Often vulgar, always bad, occasionally Google generated, the term, according to Wikipedia, "was coined by Gary Sullivan in late 2000, when he submitted deliberately bad poems to Poetry.com's poetry "contest" (actually a marketing scheme) as a way of testing Poetry.com's supposed standards for excellence. (It should be noted that the practice of Poetry.com-baiting predates flarf itself; many other individuals, including syndicated humorist Dave Barry, have engaged in similar pranks.)"

Apparently all submissions are accepted at the site but you have to pay to get them printed in their anthology....nice. Anyways, here's an example. If you like the 1st one; "Annoying Diabetic Bitch" then keep on listening. They only get worse.

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=HZI8DsouAK8

Inauguration Eve...It's "Inspiracial"

This is no time for irony, no time for callousness...... history is about to be made. Haters like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly have cranked up the negative rhetoric but the US voters have spoken and millions will be in Washington tomorrow to bear witness to their own handiwork. Barack Obama is brilliant, full of youthful vigor, insight, and creativity. Our cousins to the south, tired of George Bush and his old school, divisive politics, have overcome centuries of racism to elect an African American and now we wait to see if the promise of greatness will be borne out.

Will there be an economic bailout, will taxes be cut, will there be consensus building, and what of Gitmo, the infamous terrorist detention center that will supposedly be shut down within days.

Hollywood supported Obama all along and now comes news that the TV networks will be tailoring some mid-season replacement shows to be in step with the new zeitgeist.

1st among equals is a new show loosely based on boy terror suspect Omar Khadr, the impressionable Canadian teen with f**ked up parents who has been stranded in Gitmo for years after being accused (wrongly perhaps) of tossing a grenade at a military police officer.

The premise is that he gets released and goes back to high school in the inner city where he is re-introduced to western ways by his prof, the gruff but benign Mr. Hawkman, played, in a brilliant casting move, by a resurrected Donald Rumsfeld!! (he can act too!!) It's a tough school and discipline is a frequent issue...nothing Mr. Hawkman, his associate Hugo and their trusty waterBoard of Education can't handle.

Here's the theme song:

WELCOME BACK KHADR

Welcome back

Obama's shut Gitmo down

Welcome back

to high school in Brooklyn town

You got used to some difficult obstacles

like electrodes attached to your testicles

You can get an education(get an education)

without sleep deprivation (sleep deprivation)

Yeah, he blew up a cop but the charges were all dropped

welcome back,

welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Passing The Reins

Every once in a great while I'll get a question tossed my way that I won't respond to. Not because I don't know the answer or couldn't make one up in a pinch, but because on that particular day I'm too lazy. Today is just such a day...a warming chinook wind has brought relief to the snowbound countryside and so I will luxuriate for a while on the couch next to the picture window as I pass the reins (she supplies her own whip....nice touch!!) to The Blob's resident expert on etiquette and behaviour modification; Miss DeMeanor.

Dear Miss DeMeanor,

On a recent plane flight I was virtually assaulted by the person either directly behind or in front of me. We were all lucky enough to have 3 seats to ourselves, "lucky" I thought, until I realized that one of my neighbours was passing gas every 10-15 minutes. Honestly, the stench was so vile that I could taste it and it hung in the air for at least a minute. Holding my breath didn't work nor did angling the overhead air nozzles. This was not only rude but also anonymous and as such could have led others nearby to assume that it was I who was the culprit. Miss deMeanor, what is one to do in such a situation??

signed,

Puzzled in Pittsburgh

Dear maggot,

This is indeed a difficult situation but not without a few possible solutions. First is; grow a pair, but we know that's not going to happen so let's move on.

Tighter security since 9-11 means that attaching electrodes to the testicles/labia of the presumed culprit is out of the question (plus, if I read correctly, you couldn't tell who it was) as is bringing a gas mask on board...too likely to evoke suspicion.

Perhaps donning a baseball cap with an appropriate message at just the right time would work, maybe unfurling a small banner......

You'd think that the clients who come to my office/dungeon wouldn't dare fart in my presence and yet they do!! They must be gluttons for punishment but again, this isn't helping at all I'm afraid.

Here's a poem my Grand Dad used to read to me (Shelley, I believe) and these words of wisdom may help put things in perspective;

Hast thou ever loosed a tainted zephyr

from twixt thy southern cheeks

Like cutting into ripened cheese

foul Lucifer, it reeks

Exacerbated asthma

by unleashing a miasma

Killed a flock of lark

passing gas whilst in the park

Felled a herd of oxen

just by hissing out your toxin.....

Humble peasant or our Saviour

Tis' but human, this behaviour

Nature doth compel it

so relax, sit back, and smell it

We are but sweet flowers neath the nose of God.

OK you snivelling piece of crap...that's a lot more answer than you deserve. Gotta run, my 12:30 tabasco enema is here (loser).

The 2nd or 3rd Annual (honestly....who can be bothered to check)Blob Year in Review

2008 was a difficult and momentous year worldwide and things were no different here at The Blob. A marked decline hereabouts in post production coincided with the international economic meltdown and the growing threat of global warming (and my stint in rehab for an on-line word game addiction didn't help either). Still, I averaged almost 1 post every 3 days which is a lot better than say, the sultry Maureen Dowd with her addictions (I'm hoping sex and over the counter pain medication!!) and I include pictures and The Blob is free!!

The year started off like a house on fire, January coming in with a whopping 14 posts (all quality and some of them golden). The "I Have a Dreamsicle" ad of January 22nd Tastelessness in Advertising was 1st among equals with Honourable mention to Viagra Noodle Man with too much time on his hands and a brilliant idea seeking investors. (Jan.23).

February, with 12 posts was a solid month and the fan favorites were (yes..a tie) from the 12th day titled: The Blob Book Corner and from the 7th:Write if You Get Work

March and a hefty 18 posts!! St. Patrick's Day Tribute!! with it's lovely tale about the origins of the Irish style of dance was a personal favorite.

April...15 posts...winner: Yesterday "T".....Today "A" (happy now??!!??) all praise YouTube.

May...13 posts...How can I not cite the post concerning my past love, Michaelle Jean: Hey Sarkozy; Get your Brie covered hands off of her!!!

June...13 posts...toss up: Setting the Record Straight , Worst Movie Ever!! both featuring Blob regular BoneMikester.

July....way down to 8 posts and winner by virtue of its title: Gneiss Cock!!

August..ouch , only 4 posts (but I was away in Alberta): An Important Message from the Editorial Staff I admitted I was addicted to the word game Scramble and Nan Wilkinson was introduced as guest Blogger

September...a respectable 8 posts...#1: A Dog's Life Nan's swan song.

October...2 posts...let's move on shall we??

November...only 5 posts, but still.... Blob Update - The 1st Fifty Years OK maybe a somewhat self indulgent choice but it's my blog. Bite me!

December...7 posts...not too bad. Those naked Japanese girls playing trombones = No contest: Bush de Noel

Just enough time for some sushi before 2009. Oh yeah, my resolutiuon for the coming year: No more hi fives, celebratory or ironic. The fist bump is more sanitary and will be seen as a sign of solidarity with the Obamas. Happy New Year etc.

Follow the Bouncing Balls

The end of the year is nigh and it's time to tie up a loose end or two. Recently a Blob regular in the guise of Richie Cunningham's Mom, Mrs. Cunningham, wanted some information on Ponzi schemes, the pyramid-type swindle perpetrated by now infamous Wall St. con man Bernard Madoff, for 30 some odd years and only recently uncovered.


Wouldn't ya know it...I have an answer, but like everything else economy related these days it's a bit convoluted. I urge you to bear with me and hunker down, settle in, sit back etc. as I present the new concept of Conspiridence, (that grey area between conspiracy theory and coincidence) and apply it to the current Ponzi situation in particular and the larger field of sociopathic behaviour, especially as it relates to men entrusted with power and/or our money, who should know better.


Those of us who've never come face to face with a con man imagine a Prof. Harold Hill type from the Music Man http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI
(the Simpson's "Monorail Guy" for you kids out there http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC56hnyiP_s&feature=related).
A sweet talkin' fellah who could sell you anything, has almost no regard for others and at the core genuinely believes we're all dumb marks just waiting to be taken. These guys (sometimes gals too) have chutzpah to spare or in other words; the biggest balls in the room.


OK...meat and potatos time: When I first heard about Madoff and the Ponzi scheme (named after Charles Ponzi, one of the most notorious conmen of all time) it occurred to me that by combining two beloved Happy Days character names; Potsie and Fonzie, we arrived at the word Ponzi. That was only the beginning. All three of them have thick, luxurious hair and Anson Williams (who played Potsie) was born in 1949, the very year that Charles Ponzi died!!


By combining Potsie's likeability and trustworthiness with Fonzie's charisma and big balledness we get the archetypal conman persona. In fitting with true conspiridence theory this leads directly to the 3 men who displayed the biggest balls of all in 2008. Here's a little chart I put together that should help out:

All three, presented from left to right in order of testicle size, displayed unparalleled hubris:

• Edwards by running for president as an earnest defender of the downtrodden while cheating on his devoted, cancer ridden wife.


• Blagojevich, by trying to profit from a great moment in history (thereby tarnishing it and Obama in the process), refusing to relinquish power once arrested, and today, after attempts to sell the senate seat backfired, appointing a new Illinois senator despite pleas not to.


• Bernard Madoff, by running a scam for 3 decades that bilked billions from reputable charities and trusting investors alike destroying thousands of nest eggs in the process.

In the grand scheme of things Ponzi with his hair and conartistry leads to the combined name and personality of Potsie/Fonzie who channel the hair and callousness on to Blagojevich and Edwards and actual sociopathology and Ponzi scheme itself to Madoff!!

Madoff's flimsy pyramid crumbled because the economy tanked and people wanted to cash in their investment gains. He'd never actually invested anything and was just using new investor's money to pay off other investors. Now, with the stock market in free fall, there were no new investors and he owed billions of dollars which he didn't have. Game over

That's the beauty of conspiridence.....a few baseless inferences, a couple of cobbled together coincidences and you've got yourself a grassroots movement, a book deal and a speaking tour (see 9-11 conspiracy theories). I guess it's true what they say about a sucker being born every minute...now buy my book.

THE BLOB CHANUKKAH SPECTACULAR!!!

It's here again...the Festival of Lights, the celebration of spiritual renewal made tangible by the rededication of an ancient temple by a hardy band of warriors and the miracle of the sacred oil that burned for 8 days when lo, there wast nary enough for one.
Crank up those menorahs (the candle thingies), fry up some latkes (traditional dish made of equal parts oil, potato, and salt) and bring out the dreidels (spinning 4 sided tops) for a rousing game or two...it's Channukah time again!!! It was the finest story of all until the darn Christians came along like an obnoxious guest at a not too bad party and one-upped us with the so called "greatest story ever told!!" (so they have a better marketing department...big schmeal)
Let's first take a look back in the archives...and you thought dreidels were just for kids!!
http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2006/12/with-chanukkah-fast-approaching-its.html
http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/12/channukah-goes-chai-tech.html

This year the excitement ante gets ratcheted up a peg with news that Nintendo and it's wildly popular Wii console have added a virtual dimension to the traditional game of chance. All the action that we've come to love is still there only now we twist the controller and operate a joystick/thumb lever to spin the small toy. The suspense builds to a fever pitch and the boys in The Blob test lab were up all night waiting to see who'd come out ahead as the top came to a halt...gimmel, shinn, beth, noon...which Hebrew letter would it be and who would collect the wagered passel of cyber-walnuts??!!?? Allergic to walnuts?? Change the option setting to almonds or raisins. It's as easy as tweaking a couple of knobs!!
Buy the premium addition and build and kiln fire your own dreidel on-line. Clay so life-like you'd swear it was the real thing..."I almost plotzed" said Lou Haberman of Haberman Toys Inc.

Bush de Noel

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Blobophile of the Year - 2008 Edition

It's hard to believe that another year has come and gone and that the holiday season is once again upon us. It's a special time with that heady blend of good cheer and masochism tinged by nostalgia for a simpler time when people hated each other a lot but nobody talked about it too much.
2008 was a momentous year around the world and here at The Blob it was an important and transitional period as well.
A regular contributor (Mama C.) turned me on to an on-line boggle type game and I ended up in rehab. The reins were handed over to a contest winner named Nan Wilkinson and the tone around here changed to the point where I had to cut short my stay and return to man the fort once again.


While I've not fully recovered (today, for instance, is not such a good day) and post frequency is way down, that shouldn't stop us from celebrating the 1st annual Blobophile of the Year award.

So many people graced these pages in 2008, either as contributors or subjects, that it was hard to make a final decision, but with the help of my editorial staff and the good folks at Tim Horton's (thanks for the extra crullers Saleema!!) we managed to close the deal during the wee hours of the morning.
Our policy is simple: The person or animal, real or fictional, who created the most buzz.
The short list came down to:

• BoneMikester....that voice in the wilderness who with his many alter egos, sturdy British sensibilities, and flare for the language of Shakespeare, proved time and again that the study of euphonium in one's formative years should be encouraged.
  
• Troy Huber with his acerbic lethargy.
  
• Maria Callous who added a certain foul-mouthed, busty, drunkenness and always at the exact moment when we needed it most.
• Turd Stuffington who is a dependable and stalwart champion of good
  
• Nan Wilkinson; ditto
• Barack Obama...(I'm hoping for an invitation to the inaugural ball)

We argued well into the night and when the dust settled we all agreed that there was, at the end, only one real choice.....a man who has battled adversity, faced down the naysayers and who will always remember 2008 and as a year of triumph. I proudly give you the new Blobophile of the Year!!




Bravo BoneMikester!!! Your prodigious accomplishments in the field of prodigiousness have provided ample fodder for posts and opinion and even as we go to press, thanks to you, a raging controversy stirs in the comment section. Tobias Funke would have to agree that whatever you write and no matter how concise or long-winded, you never fail to get a rise out of us (I meant; "make us have an erection" in a metaphorical sense.)

Congratulations again on your well deserved victory!!!!!!!!!

Explicking the Inexplicable

From the office of Her Excellency the Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean, Governor General of Canada


Dear Blob,
Something just happened and I'm still not sure what. One day I'm a figurehead (some would say the "hottest" political figurehead ever!) and the next thing you know I'm whisked away from my usual routine of international travel, ribbon cutting, gala dinners and handing out medals and awards...whisked away I say, and forced to return to Ottawa to decide a constitutional crisis. After more than an hour alone in chambers with Prime Minister Harper I opted for prorogation(?) but I'm still not exactly sure what that is. Blob...did I do the right thing??
Also, I'll be in Montreal for a puck dropping ceremony (or some such thing). No matter how hard I try I can't forget that fabulous weekend we spend some years ago...any chance of a do over?
xox
Mickey J

Michaelle...how wonderful to hear from you once again. I must begin by saying in all honesty that the jury is still out on whether or not you're the hottest GG in our nation's history. The extremely handsome Lord Tweedsmuir caused quite the stir during his tenure in the late 30's and many a wealthy Canadian socialite fell under his amorous spell.





A note from the management: The following half of this post was initially lost due to a technical malfunction and what you will read hence has been painstakingly reconstituted from hazy recollections and fragmentary shards of memory. This has taken a considerable emotional toll on the author.



Don't count me among those in his camp though....I still find you way more attractive (way!)

Now, about your question.

• Economic crisis hits yet minority government seems reluctant to make any dynamic moves.


• Prime Minister Harper decides to save a few bucks with some hard ball politics; vows to slash a vital source of funding for the already financially strapped, leftist, arts loving, opposition thereby increasing the likelyhood of a majority next time around.


• "Not so fast!" say the 3 opposition leaders who threaten to topple the government and form a coalition.(Dion- see: post-nasal drip, Layton-Pinko, Duceppe-separatist....yes, separatist)


• This Michaelle, was where you were brought in.

If any good has come of this it is that we have become acquainted with the word PROROGUE, sourced etymologically by Webster's as: PRO - 1866, shortening of professional and ROGUE -
An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal.

...a more than adequate synonym for our Prime Minister but today used to mean putting the government on hold. By opting for prorogation you've more or less butted out and allowed for a little breathing room for all parties concerned. Countries such as Israel are routinely run by coalitions and they end up with a small ultra-orthodox religious party called Shas wielding the balance of power. We don't need Gilles Duceppe and the quasi-religious Shas Quebecois calling the shots here so thanks Mickey, for doing the right thing. Seeing you leap into action like that, even though plagued by uncertainty, kind of got me reminiscing.

Why not give me a call when you're in town. Let's form a coalition of our own....for old time's sake.

This is the Autumn of my Missed Content

There's some well deserved griping and grumbling in The Blob's comment section and I'll be the 1st to admit that I haven't kept up my end of the bargain, which is that I must provide regular, entertaining posts and you have to do dick all!!

Unfortunately I've had to work and I've also been dealing with a well documented addiction to an on-line word game. Throw in the economic meltdown, global terrorism and warming and you've got a recipe for disaster for a well meaning blogger who's a skilled procrastinator (more about this later).

Now the holiday season is upon us and I'm taking off for Quebec City for 5 computer free days.

Hmmm...looks like David Jerome has another book out just in time for Chrismukkah and an unlikely book it is since it's fictional spokesman is as goyish as they come.
The premise is novel and promising: Turd Stuffington's son, Turd Jr. is now 13 and he is only just learning of such unfamiliar things as sex and Jews. One afternoon Turd Sr. sits his son down for a talk and we're all privy to his words of wisdom. Rather than me explaining the rest, here's a brief snippet:


"What's a Jew??" Why son...I thought you'd never ask.
I guess you could say that a Jew is the same as you or me except they don't believe that Jesus was our Lord and Saviour. That means they can't get into heaven and certain country clubs. The thing that really makes Jewish boys different than you though, besides the dangly bit of skin at the end of your penis, is the Bar Mitzvah; an ancient ceremony where a Jewish boy, at the age of 13, becomes a Jewish man!
As Christians we do this in a very different way and it has a lot to do with what the legal drinking age is where you happen to live.

And so it goes as our favourite astronaut/talmudic scholar (who knew??) delves into the arcane world of Judaism, with it's numerology, dietary laws, lavish post-bar mitzvah spreads, and impressive sweet tables.
You should only live long enough to read and enjoy this book.






Dreidl Boy is coming!

Finally!!

Jonathan Deere writes:

Dear Blob,

I am a frustrated prairie boy from Winnipeg. I have discovered, from playing hours and hours of Wii, that I am a kick-arse Skier. The problem is that the only ski hill in the area is an old trash pile that has been grassed over. I think they have done a poor job, cause I can't seem to ski worth a gopher's dingle down that thing. I have aspirations of fame, money and many beautiful ladies knocking down my door. I am at a loss, please help me figure out this dilemma.

Bravo Jonathan, if that really is your name and you're not one of my stupid, alter ego posting friends (and by "stupid" I mean excellent). It's been a while since anyone has taken my mission statement seriously. It's there, on the masthead, for all to see and yet it's taken you Jonathan, a fine young man from our nations mosquito capital, to bring us back to The Blob's raison d'etre.
Before I get to the advice part of my response I have some business to attend to:
Apparently gopher dingles are a dime a dozen out there, or so you say. I happen to know a Chinese herbalist who will pay you most handsomely for as many as you can get your hands on. He tells me that back home in the Orient they refer to them as "prairie viagra" and the slogan is "ground Gopher Penis powder.....the new ground Tiger Penis powder!!!
He guarantees that the dessicated gopher dick will "make you lady happy all night!"

OK...skiing in Winnipeg. The short answer is that you should do what most Manitobans end up doing; move to Alberta. Failing that I'd stick with the Wii-ski, but come winter buy a huge LCD TV and open a few windows while you're playing. Thanks again for the question. Now get out there and start harvesting those gopher dingles­!

Blob Update - The 1st Fifty Years

This is my blog and I choose to write about matters that are important and/or of interest which is why I rarely if ever use myself as the main subject of a post. This weekend however I must stray from that policy because the countdown has begun to my 50th birthday, now only 3 days away.
A party will be held in honor of the occasion and for Blobophiles worldwide this will be a veritable gathering of the clan. For starters, the event will be held at the home of Party Bear, his long suffering wife Mama C., and their adorable minx of a daughter, Maria Callous. Add Dixx to the mixx, the prolific BoneMikester (!!!!!) and you've got yourself a party, but get this.....straight from his parent's basement, Troy Huber will be there too, and all the way from Calgary, my GF, the one and only Beneficent Beaver, has already arrived early for what we here at The Blob like to refer to as a "fault-finding mission".
On this occasion and this occasion only I'd like to resort to that journalistic trick shot; the interview with myself...

Blob: 50 years old....wow. There are many who knew you as a teenager who'd never have bet that you'd have made it this far, let alone procreate (and 3 times, noch besser!). How are you feeling as the big day approaches?
Blobele: To be honest up until a couple of weeks ago I was feeling great! Young, vigorous, I really felt the same as I did when I was 20 only with significantly less money.
Blob: Are you saying you're not feeling well now?
Blobele: Well, I was just getting to that. One of the great joys about being a freelancer is the that the "free" refers to the vast amount of time you have to spend with your kids. Time that a regular 9 to 5 type of guy could only dream of. Unfortunately my kids go to school and also have friends that they do stuff with on the weekends so I rarely see them except when they need lifts. I've taken to playing pick-up hockey at the local indoor rink and with this increase in robust, physical activity I've also had an increase in robust, physical injuries....a wrist here, a groin, knee, or ankle there.
Blob: So that's why 50 isn't all that you'd hoped it would be??
Blobele: You like interrupting people don't you? As I was saying....
Blob: sorry....
Blobele: As I was saying!! I've got all these minor twinges and now my GF Phyllis shows up after she's done a few weeks of hard labor putting up fences on her acreage. She's in even worse shape than I am so between the two of us; disabled, rickety, and pain ridden as we are, there are maybe two pages of the Joy Of Sex that we can get through, and one of those is just about talking about sex. The moreBlob: So there are just some positions, in fact most positions, that are too uncomfortable?
Blobele: What the hell did I just say??!!?? Christ you're annoying! If you'd just shut the fuck up and listen for half a second you wouldn't have to ask all these stupid questions.
Blob: Whaddya mean "stupid"? You're stupid for thinking that anyone, even your entertainment starved readers, would care what you have to say about your friggin' birthday. Look outside...see all those people walking aroung out there? They all have birthdays every single year and so do all their friends (ed. note: leap years not incl.). Nobody really gives a shit about your birthday. So their having a party...BIG DEAL!! Why don't you just get back to writing your funny little poems and your hackneyed observations. Maybe it's time for another movie satire. Hey here's an idea; make fun of the new James Bond flick! Just of the top of my head...ummm.... "Quantum of Scoliosis", Quantum of Shoelace", "Quantum of Sol's Ass"...
Blobele: fuck you

Monk See - Monk Duel

True story: Back in 1971 my folks took my brother and me to Israel. One of our stops brought us to one of Christendom's most sacred sites, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. The place is a claustrophobe's nightmare, reeking of antiquity, the dank stones and crumbling masonry of the entryway were less than inviting, so we decided to stay outside as my parents grabbed a tour guide and disappeared through the narrow doorway.

Ornately clad holy men and heavily armed militia patrolled the area (how Isrealish is that??!!??) as my bro and I looked covetously at the lone chair and then back again at each other. He broke first and I made a mad dash immediately...I grabbed a shoulder, he elbowed my face, within seconds we were a tangled mass of pre-pubescent flesh rolling and flailing away, supposedly on the very ground where Jesus was buried and resurrected!!

A Greek Orthodox monk seperated us just as our horrified parents emerged from the church

Little did we realize that our tussle was merely one in a series that has continued sporadically for centuries and indeed, to this very day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snpeMkBip6U

Check out the beautifully executed "falling crucifix" full body slam, (12 seconds) the signature move of Father Anasthasious "the Meathook" Christopoulos and then watch as he more than lives up to his nickname at 30 seconds with a vicious left to the chin of Father Hadar "the Springform Pan" Tarkmanian.

A little research reveals that in order to achieve peace, an arrangement called "the status quo" was reached in 1852 that split church duties, privileges, and designated areas, between the various denominations. True to the human spirit and especially where questions of religion are involved, this solved nothing. Check out this wikipedia quote: "Establishment of the status quo did not halt the violence, which continues to break out every so often even in modern times. On a hot summer day in 2002, the Coptic monk who is stationed on the roof to express Coptic claims to the Ethiopian territory there moved his chair from its agreed spot into the shade. This was interpreted as a hostile move by the Ethiopians, and eleven were hospitalized after the resulting fracas."

Indeed, the place is in bad need of renovations but since all groups must agree almost nothing gets done. A ladder placed above the entrance in the 1800's remains there to this day (I swear!!)

No one denomination controls the entrance way but in 1192, Saladin, in his infinite wisdom assigned responsibility to two nearby Muslim families...twice each day, a Joudeh family member brings the key to the door, which is locked and unlocked by a Nusseibeh. Problem solved!!

This next video is also very special and no....it's not hi-lites from PyroCon-2006, the annual convention that brings together pyrotechnicians, fire safety experts, arsonists, and pyromaniacs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys8hNr7BZ70 It's actually footage of Christianity's longest running miracle, that of the "Holy Fire": a flame that spontaneously combusts (yet will not burn human flesh) and that does so on the day before Orthodox Easter every year, or at least as so documented since 1106.

Watch as the devout pass their hands through the flames (pulling them away just before they get singed, as fate would have it) and don't let yourself be fooled by tales of white phosphorous. It's readily available in the area and magicians knew of it's ability to ignite when combined with air even back in biblical times. Adding a solvent can delay the reaction by up to half an hour but still...it's a miracle!! Let's not rain on anyone's parade.

As this video attests, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre is a place where, even at the best of times, emotions run high and the suspension of rational thought is an obligation. Hopes of a peaceful rapprochement appeared slim after yesterday's uproar but UFC (ultimate fighting championship) president Dana White has waded into the fray and may have come up with a solution. If all sides can agree then the various disputes can be settled with sanctioned cage matches and all Pay Per View profits will be distributed evenly. White said that he will even spring for the cage.
"The region has a long history of hand to hand combat" said the former Vegas bellhop with a wistful lilt to his voice, "Maybe UFC is finally the way towards peace in the Holy land!"

Ahhhh...That's Better

The Americans got it right for a change and throngs of jubilant people worldwide are relieved and optimistic that this time the 500 pound gorilla in the room is going to shape up, brush his teeth, and stop taking dumps where ever he feels like.

US citizens, almost despite themselves, have re-opened to the world with a bold and in a sense, subversive gesture. They've voted in a brilliant man who is also black and by doing so have signalled a progressive spirit that augurs well for the rest of us.

Today the half of me that's American is filled with pride and feeling a dizzying and giddy sense of optimism. The half of me that's Canadian could really use a coffee as he sits here typing and nursing some nagging hockey injuries.

In the long run this may not make too much of a difference as far as the economy and foreign relations go but there is one thing that the Obama victory forever changes.

Last night at 11p.m. when Barack Obama was heralded as the president elect, 2 centuries of white guilt were flushed out to sea never to return and oh what a glorious feeling it is!!!!

All across the continent, in exclusive country clubs and at private soirées, white revelers partied into the wee hours of the morning, unburdened by the painful shackles of guilt. Sumner Carrington of Lexington, KY. summed up the overall sentiment: "We couldn't be happier and more relieved. Now, of course, I had nothing to do with the race problems of the past...my great-grandfather may have been involved in the slave trade but that's just something we Carringtons have had to live with. Now we're free...free at last in fact and it truly is a cause for celebration!! Let's just hope the Blacks (that's what they want to be called now...am I right??) can just live and let live, leave us be, and stop asking for handouts. It's a terrific time to be an American!!"
And so it is now up to Obama the consensus builder to bridge the divides in office as he did during his campaign. People of all ages, all 5 genders, and all colours voted in large numbers for him and his renewed vision of America. Indeed 67% of Hispanics sided with the Democrats, as did a whopping 96% percent of African-Americans (I'd love to know who those other 4 guys were who went with McCain!!).
In closing and in that spirit here is a small tribute to diversity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fd-MVU4vtU
followed by a celebratory dance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSJHVmpfojA&feature=related
that features a trombone heavy soundtrack, and a gorgeous, barely clad 18 year old, blonde.....HEY....where'd everybody go???

And Awaaaay We Go

Twenty one months of campaigning and today it's all over but for the votin' and the countin'. The smell of history is in the air. It's wafted north of the border, escaped into the jetstream and can be detected in far flung corners of the globe. It's that heady mix of excitement, hope, and fear which is exactly what you smell when you're walking around Manhattan (similar to but not quite the same as a combination of subway fumes, roasting chestnuts, and hobo urine).

When the United States has an important election as this, with its singularly engaging cast of characters, then the rest of the world has little choice but to get all wrapped up in the anticipation and dread. At least we don't have to stand in line outside a highschool in Kansas for 6 hours.

Today is the day when all the undecided voters have to come up with the goods and face the grim spectre of having nobody at all care about them for at least the next four years.

2 candidates with diametrically opposed views on vital issues, dozens of debates and press interviews, hundreds of think pieces, thousands of hours of TV punditry and still....this motley assortment of lamebrains and pompous, attention seeking, douchebags can't make up their minds on a choice that is virtually black and white.

Today is also the day when the Walmart Moms will weigh in and possibly decide the fate of the free world. The press has recently dicovered this important voting block which I heard described as lower class, under-educated, women who shop a lot at Walmart. Only in America can a group of fat, stupid women who have no problem with wearing stretch terrycloth shorts in public wield such clout. This is obviously why Palin/McCain have yet to throw in the towel.

I'd put a link to a Walmart Woman article or two but I know how that scares off many of my ADD afflicted readers. Admittedly, lots more words with no pictures is a terrifying prospect!!

That being said I simply must post the following link to a short but enlightnening audio clip (no reading required!!) Now back to toasting myself in front of the warm , historical glow of my TV.

http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=96329339&m=96329321