A Couple of More Arguments for the Elimination of TV

I've been known to flip flop my opinions in the past...perhaps the best example among those who know me was my contention that ketchup was actually a mustard. For years I held fast to this theory only to change a couple of months ago. From here on in I'll be thinking of ketchup as a salsa.


I've also been a staunch defender of the merits of television in the face of some very sharp criticism. The news that the trombone is about to break loose and become a popular and oft televised instrument has forced me to reconsider. First it was the Letterman show as seen in the clip which featured a gaggle* of the low brassters trying in vain to be cool and now news that ABC has optioned a new Scott Baio (of Joanie Loves Chachi fame) pilot to premier this fall. According to ther press release "Baio will be playing a widowed orchestral trombonist living in New York with 4 teenage daughters who are trying to form a girl band. Things get complicated when his estranged father (John Lithgow) shows up at the door needing a place to stay and starts dropping inadvertant clues about possible cross dressing tendencies.


The girls think their Dad is a classical music snob, he thinks their pop music is for the birds and Grandpa..well he just likes wearing a bra and panties.It all makes for a wacky and often irreverent laugh riot!"

With this news I hereby concede that TV is beyond redemption. If this medium must now stoop so low as to seek out the trombone as a source for material then perhaps it's time for me to become an avid reader or take up a hobby like knitting or self-mutilation.
From this point on I'll only be watching Lost, The Office, 30 Rock, reruns of Seinfeld, The Simpsons, and Arrested Development, Documentaries, Concert footage, science and nature shows, sporting events, the odd movie, and the news and that's a promise!!

*There is no specific word for a group of trombonists so in a pinch I used gaggle. I also considered "a swill, a gutfull, a pompousness (which was my favorite of the 3)". If anyone out there has a better idea just let me know. (note to Mikexxster: pride has already been taken)

It's Official: KKK Endorses Obama!!

I hesitate to print this because there is no more reprehensible organization than the Klan and yet earlier today Grand Wizard Bufus Deane stunned the assembled press corps by proclaiming his endorsement of Barack Obama in the upcoming US presidential election.
This announcement comes fresh on the heels of two major labor unions pledging their support as
the momentum continues to build for the Obama team.
With either a White woman or a Black man set to assume the leadership of the world's most powerful nation the topsy-turvy world of American politics has never been this topsy and only twice been as turvy!!
Said Deane; "The writing is on the wall I guess and we can see which way the wind is blowing. This tide of change is something we can't stop with guns or lynchings so I suppose it comes down to If you can't beat'em join'em." While the klansmen remain virulently racist it appears that this is trumped only by their misogyny. "There's no way I want a woman telling me all what to do...I've already got the missus for that and besides the guy is half white!!" chortled the hooded anachronism.
This endorsement is another in a string of actions designed to gain wider public appeal for the Klan. After hiring the high powered Jew PR firm of Stern Brothers GlobalComm (see archives nov. 20, 2006) early last year the campaign quickly took off with the opening of the family-friendly theme park White World; home of the skating revue Hitler on Ice and the fascinating exhibit Hitler in Ice. Thrill rides include The Fiery Cross and Aryan Mountain.
At press time the Obama team has yet to issue a statement.

Happy VD...a few thoughts on love, relationships, and subliminal seduction

Here's the set up to the clip above which includes a brief reprise of one of the most
beautiful love songs ever written from Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Carousel".
(here's the whole song by John Raitt, Bonnie's dad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAoDDPKdBCQ&feature=related)
Julie Jordan finds a star left by her petty criminal ex-boyfriend, Billy Bigelow. He died as an accomplice to a robbery gone wrong and has been given one last chance to come down from beyond and set things right with his daughter who is ostracized and having a rough time in the small Maine fishing village where she lives. No one can see or hear him but he in turn can...his attempts to reconcile with the token gift fail and he is about to leave when Julie comes outside and finds the star. Puzzled at first she gradually comes to sense his presence and the words that used to be "if I loved you, how I'd love you" now become " how I loved you, how I loved you".

A good man is hard to find and a bad man is hard to rehabilitate as many a woman has learnt over the eons. That women try to play out unresolved father issues with their partner is a given which often leads to a power struggle, resentment, and recrimination...in short a retaliationship. Read the following article for an excellent take on the subject from today's Globe and Mail http://ago.mobile.globeandmail.com/generated/archive/RTGAM/html/20080214/wcowent14.html

We are compelled to procreate but haven't yet mastered the inter-personal politics. Patience is required though since as a species we've only had a few thousand years to work this out while the stalwart and selfless penguins for instance have had many millions of years. One can readily see why we are less evolved than many of our animal cousins.

This urge to procreate has been translated by the advertising industry into "sex sells" and this was pointed out in the 70's by the book Subliminal Seduction that told of the nefarious practice of hiding sexual imagery in otherwise mundane ads. The other day I showed a TV dinner in one of my posts...here it is:



This is a completely unretouched photo (I swear!!) and seems innocuous enough but let's take a closer look shall we:

Starting lower center the breast and the leg are gimmes but how about the craftily inverted triangular piece eh? The mixed veggies look harmless enough until you play connect the dots with the corn and carrots and get 69...go ahead, try it yourselves!! The butter dot as nipple may be stretching it a bit but the fruit dessert?? That's one of the filthiest photos of apples I've ever seen and I guarantee you it was no accident that the middle piece was f**king the other two ass shaped ones!!
I guess the bottom line is that there are all sorts of forces at play...psychological, evolutionary, environmental etc. and while we're not completely helpless relationship-wise it is a continuing struggle. The best Blob advice (this is after all an advice column for things I may know nothing about)
is to get out there and try to do your best, pathetic though that may be, and have a happy day.

The Blob Book Corner

Literature has been and will always be the cornerstone of our civilization. As I sit here struggling to put finger to keyboard searching for just the right turn of phrase I can only admire the true literary giants whose artistry with the written word leaves one breathless and in awe.
To those who feel that The Blob exists only to promote all that is crass in popular culture and to denigrate the higher arts I say " Fie, fie on thee, fie upon thee, filthy drab, and all thy false prophets." (so there!!)
I've heard the catcalls, endured the slings and arrows, and will bow to the pressure and focus today on books......a couple of excellent, highly recommended ones in particular.

The first is an unauthorized biography of famed percussionist "Slappy" Robertson. He came up through the ranks the hard way just as all the old timers did but his story is filled with so many twists and turns that I had trouble putting it down. (the middle section that deals with the period following the fabric softener accident was a real page turner!!)




Written by Maya Angelou, US poet emeritus and high priestess of Oprah, this is a book that should be read 3 times; the 1st to appreciate the epic narrative, the 2nd to luxuriate in the prose, and the 3rd to be eligible to win an all expenses paid trip to Cancun!!!







Two weeks ago the New York Times Book Review gushed "David Jerome has done it again!!" and his latest novel has been flying off the shelves ever since. The fact that he is this month's Oprah Book Club pick in the
science fiction/self-help category
doesn't hurt either. Do yourself a favor and zip over to your nearest bookstore, once there buy 2 copies (you'll want to give one to a friend!!)





















Last and by no means least is the latest from Jerry Mander whom you may remember from the late 70's where his book lambasting every aspect of television turned on a whole generation of kids to whittling and overly expensive comic books. Don't look now but it looks like he too has done it again with another crusade against a social ill that until now has gone largely unnoticed. It's a difficult but worthwile read.

Here's a short excerpt: ".......while surely a musical instrument in the broadest sense of the term the euphonium/baritone is the subject of a decades old conspiracy that continues to this day. Youngsters are encouraged to practice and perfect their technique but are never told that not one person has ever made a decent or fulfilling living playing the damned thing. It's a senseless waste of perfectly good brass that would be better used as door knockers or decorative wastepaper bins." (see photo)

So there you have it....this month's Blob short list. Happy reading!!

TV or not TV........(sorry)

Before I get in to the meat and potatoes of this post (along with a side of mixed vegetables and a chemically enhanced apple delite)let me just say that the writer's strike appears to be all but settled and this only a day after I posted a plea for reconcilliation between the warring factions. How do you spell clout?? Gimme a B, gimme an L, gimme an O, gimme...OK, you get the picture.

Now then, a couple of contributors (party bear and Mikexxster) have tag teamed me in the comment section citing some reformed ad exec, media guru type named Gerry (sic) Mander. It's actually Jerry but I prefer their spelling because gerrymander is a real word meaning dividing a voting area so as to give your own party an unfair advantage. It seems as though PB and the Mikexxster are creating a little voting bloc of their own and are are saying a resounding NO to television and yes to Mr. Mander and his celebrated Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television (perish the thought!!!!).

Mander is clever, his arguments thought provoking, and his adman acumen has won him all sorts of accolytes ready to evangelize in his name but the book was written in 1978 and TV has come a long way since then.......(waiting for opponents to stop rolling on the floor, clutching stomachs and howling with laughter).

Seriously though, Mander contends that TV is a dangerous medium, I see it as neutral. He says it exists only to sell us stuff we don't need, I say "so what!" I'd rather that my children and I watch these commercials and that I teach them how to see with a sceptical eye. There are ads everywhere, not just on TV, and learning how to negotiate this minefield is an essential life skill. We actually watched an incredible show about this on CBC NewsWorld. We are or will all be consumers in a consumer society. Short of moving to a shack in the forest and eventually sending mail bombs to those who disagree with you let's agree that television is largely a medium that produces garbage so that others can sell their own garbage. If only 5% of the product is in any way edifying then so be it. Part of the thrill is in the hunt!

There have always been gullible, sad, and stressed out people, and charlatans who exploit them.

There have always been righteous leaders bent on improving our lot. Say what you want about TV but book sales are up (thank you Oprah!!) and television is more a repository of diverse opinion than it was in the 3 network days when Mander penned his book.

He rales against the second hand experiences that TV offers us, our knowledge coming from so-called experts on the small screen, often about things far afield that he thinks shouldn't be our concern (he currently runs a major anti-globalization think tank). How different is getting our knowledge from him (information that he feels is vital of course) in written form? Of course it's way more detailed but TV for a reasonable viewer can be about the piquing of interest on a vast variety of subjects.

Late last night I saw a cool doc about the Gnostic Christians....could the Christ story pre-date Jesus himself?? They showed an Egyptian heiroglyph with 3 holy men kneeling before a Mother cradling a baby. They were Isis and little Horus and I believe there was some talk of a virgin birth. Very interesting, I think I'll read up on it.

Write if You Get Work

As the Hollywood writer's strike drags into its fourth interminable month many observers are beginning to see evidence of societal impact far beyond the expected decline in viewership and increased suicide rate. Families are talking again (mostly about their favorite episodes), there's a heightened interest in the political process (ed. note: not necesarrily related to the strike), and many species of tree frog are mysteriously dying off (possibly strike related).

Here at The Blob the withdrawal effects have been minimized by looking at the strike as an opportunity to get my foot in the door as a TV programmer. The American networks have been looking for product north of the border and while they have yet to find any that doesn't mean we should stop trying.

In the meantime we are being flooded with an endless stream of writer-free reality shows, one more preposterous than the next:

• "The Rack" a quiz show using question and answer techniques borrowed from the Spanish Inquisition,



• "Super Nanny meets The Osbournes (vs. Dr. Phil)" tempers flare as super nanny brings a semblance of order to the Osbourne household all the while fending off Dr. Phil as he attempts to exploit the situation for his own personal gain,



• "So You Think You Can Define Variegated" contestants attempt to define the word variegated.



• And so on and so forth.

My idea, pitched recently, is a variation on the old Battle of the Network Stars from way back in the 70's where "B listers" teamed up and competed in a mini-olympics each week. I still remember Mr. Kotter Gabe Kaplan beating a stunned and humiliated Robert Conrad of The Wild Wild West in a 100 yard dash. The sight of a paunchy, mustachioed Jew trouncing the rock hard, marine-like Conrad gave me the strength to move on with my life and......HOLY CRAP...I found it on YouTube!!!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqWU9huMMco but I digress.

Anyways here's my idea....I may be blobbing from the West Coast any day now!!

Rhymes With Blob

Those of you too busy to check out the comment section missed this little anonymous gem that was recently tossed my way (at right below the doorknob). Following closely on its heels was one Troy Huber assailing my so-called "shortcomings". Of course I'm too big a man to issue any sort of retort to this sort of foolishness but not too big to turn to a superior being for support and answers. That being is none other than Larry David. Watch this clip and ye shalt know the truth.

Those of you too busy to check out the comment section missed this little anonymous gem that was recently tossed my way. Following closely on its heels was one Troy Huber assailing my so-called "shortcomings"

Of course I'm too big a man to issue any sort of retort to this sort of foolishness but not too big to turn to a superior being for support and answers. That being is none other than Larry David. Follow this link and ye shalt know the truth.

The Age of Innocence

LONDON (Reuters) - A shopping chain has withdrawn the sale of beds named Lolita and designed for six-year-old girls after furious parents pointed out that the name was synonymous with sexually active preteens.
Woolworths said staff who administer the website selling the beds were not aware of the connection.
Woolworths staff had not heard of the classic novel or two subsequent films based on it.
"What seems to have happened is the staff who run the Web site had never heard of Lolita, and to be honest no one else here had either," a spokesman told newspapers.
"We had to look it up on (online encyclopaedia) Wikipedia. But we certainly know who she is now."

I guess as a parent I should be concerned with the continuing sexualization of young girls but the Woolworth staff have pleaded ignorance so I'll be more concerned with their plain old ignorance instead.

I've never read Nabokov's Lolita nor have I seen either of the two films based on the novel but the very name has become synonymous with a sexually precocious and barely pubescent girl, underage jailbait for older, insecure men. She pops up in pop culture periodically, Mina Suvari, the lust object in American Beauty comes to mind, but Lolitas are generally favoured by a less than savoury milieu. I thought that every reasonably informed adult knew what a Lolita was.....wrong!!

Here we have a room full of working people, some running a website for a major retail chain and none of them have ever heard of Lolita. Not vacant 10th graders at a run down public school, not crack addicts out on weekend leave from their half way house but gainfully employed and supposedly educated men and women who are allowed to vote, drink, drive, and procreate.

Is it possible that the internet with it's incredibly easy access to information about virtually anything is creating a generation of people who don't really need to know or remember anything other than how to open Wikipedia on their laptop??

More than sexualization of the young, more than morbid obesity, more than the Hollywood writers strike, this sort of intellectual laziness may prove to be our downfall. Meanwhile there's a fascist out there somewhere just chomping at the bit, biding his time until he can seduce the blissfully ignorant majority. "What's a fascist?" you ask......Google it.

For Shame!!

I guess it's back to some music, tits, and ass (those Colombians sure can shake it) seeing as my attempt at getting a political discussion going went nowhere as did the bit of consciousness

raising concerning the plight of short men. That last post engendered only one terse and heightist comment from what appears to be a bitter but clever young woman. "Death to shorties" she wrote. I can only hope my dentist doesn't see that!!

I tried to elevate the tone a bit trying to keep The Blob from becoming the hornyboys club for which certain readers seem to clamor but the virtual silence speaks volumes.

My woman readers, given a chance to speak out about their perceived bias, have tacitly said all that needs to be said (save for the aforementioned bleak girl who managed to type 3 measly words while taking a break between sulking and pouting) and all this leaves me standing alone at a crossroads. Do I cave and turn The Blob into just another porn site...(that's a rhetorical question Dixxx!!)

or do I try to maintain my rigorous standards of disciplined commentary.



Despîte what my readers seem to be telling me I will remain steadfastly on the high road...peer pressure be damned!!! What better way to end the month in style than with a poem that will sum up my experiences of this past January:



The Blob, most adept at percussion

Went on tour with Turovsky*, the Russian

Despite great success

His life was a mess

Because of a mild concussion



*(yuli turovsky, artistic director of I Musici)



See...no prurient interest, just good clean , rigorously disciplined fun.

Let's go a step further. While the limerick has it's constraints of form the haiku with it's 3 lines is more limiting. I propose a new form; the Sextima, that contains the word sex to satisfy my more juvenile readers (sex as in the number 6 though) and consists of 6 lines, each one syllable long. This is the poetic equivalent of being corseted, hogtied, and having one of those ball things in your mouth. Here's an example:



On A Life Well Lived



Do

good

Have

kids

Eat

kale



That wasn't so bad was it??? We can have poetry here every friggin day if I feel like it!! Here, how do you like this cheery number by Mary Barnard??



Had enough yet....I'm just getting warmed up....we can be here alllll night.
How about some Keats or Yeats???
oops...gotta go, the muffins are ready but as you've no doubt noticed things can change around here in the blink of an eye!! The ball is in your court.

The Prejudice That Stands on Pointed Toe, Sticks its Head Above the Countertop, yet Dares not Speak its Name

Is heightism against men the last acceptable prejudice? The more I think about it the more I have to lean towards the affirmative especially since it's no longer OK to diss fat women what with the Dove Soap campaign and the fact that in North America at least 37% of the electorate is overweight and female. Award winning filmmaker Howard Golderg, Ina Fichman (his wife and the film's producer) and Instinct Films have bravely tackled this subject in a doc titled S&M: Short and Male

I've yet to see the movie other than a few YouTube clips such as the one above but the bright, articulate, and successful man who addresses the audience right off the bat is none other than my dentist!! (I kid you not) He has a twin brother, (also a dentist), and they share an office together. Their late father (also a dentist) used to be my dentist and was a good friend of my father (also a dentist).

Anyways, long story short, I was at a party 2 summers ago and the filmmakers were there. The subject of this potential documentary came up and immediately I thought of the twins. Now I'm not really friends with my dentist (although some of my best friends are short men) and the subject of his stature never came up during one of my teeth cleaning sessions so giving his name to the producer's secretary was a bit of a risk...maybe he'd be insulted. Whatever his possible reservations were he agreed to meet with director Goldberg, as luck would have it right after one of my appointments. Luckily he'd come to terms with it by then, you don't want to piss off a guy who's holding an electric drill in your mouth!! (see Marathon Man - 1976)

Bottom line: the film should be a hit and the twins are gold!!

I may not get a credit but as a talent scout maybe I deserve one.

And to my brave and self-effacing dentist perhaps an Oscar for best documentary short subject would be most appropriate.

Maid in France

Mama C writes:

Are you guys too shy to give compliments or do you only notice women's clothing when it's miniscule, black and comes with a matching frilly, white cap?

This comment was in reference to the "Hillary as maid" photo from a couple of days ago. I don't know why men respond so readily to that costume but the french maid has probably been a sexual icon since the early days of Burlesque and maybe even Commedia del Arte. The power of the image may have something to do with the subservient position of the housekeeper as we wouldn't respond in a similar fashion to a woman dressed as pilot or cop.

As a rule I don't think that men are too shy to give out compliments to a woman based on her fashion choices or general appearance. This has to be done with care though, especially if the woman is married and her husband is nearby. People have been killed for less!

Besides...it's common knowledge that women go crazy for a man in uniform so what's good for the goose is good for the gander and when it comes to an attractive woman in a maid outfit gander I will. Lest I be accused of sexism I think this is a good time to display a photo of iconic images of men so my women readers will have something to ogle and fantasize over. Don't say I'm not evenhanded!!

It's Official: Clinton Wins Blob Endorsement!!

After a lot of late night soul searching followed by some early morning coin flipping The Blob is today officially voicing its support for Hillary Rodham Clinton to be the democratic nominee in the upcoming US presidential election.

While I admire Barack Obama and would be happy if he won I see Clinton as the underdog and feel that my endorsement would be more appreciated by her camp...after all, Obama already has Oprah.

I think that Americans, especially in a time of war, would be far less willing to have a woman commander in chief than a Black man and this is a sensitive subject that has yet to be broached.

Rest assured though that the Republicans will be stoking fears and casting doubt on a woman's ability to lead the most powerful nation on earth's armed forces and to make the tough and timely decisions. They will invoke her passivity re: her marital woes and resort to all manner of dirty tricks but Hillary can head them off at the pass.........and I can help!!

First she has to start shooting up with steroids, under a physician's care of course. Then she has to start hiring me to secretly release photos to the press. Reticent voters will realize once and for all that Ms. Clinton has the "cojones" for the job and I may end up with a cabinet position...everybody goes home happy!! (I think I'd like to be under-secretary)

I also believe that if Ms. Clinton faces off against the Republicans it will be one of the nastiest, most vitriolic campaigns in history and if she wins, the combination of pre-existing Clinton loathing and sexism will give us at least 4 years of vein popping hatemongering by right wing pundits. (FUN!!!)

It's high time for an African American president but as they say:

"(first)Ladies first". Barack will be more than ready next time around and besides, Hillary is almost Black herself...here, take a look at this video clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsLHxja43iY&NR=1watch?v=CsLHxja43iY&NR=1

with apologies to Britney Spears

and her vagina

Ready or Not?

I ask this question sitting here in Canada but as a dual citizen with an American passport as well. Straddling the border as I do gives me a vested interest in both countries and is never a source of discomfort (save for the occasional bout of testicular numbness).
This particular U.S. election is interesting even for those of us who couldn't give a crap because the democrats are finally fielding some decent candidates and the national conventions to be held later this year may not be the tedious coronations that they've become of late. We may see a lot of machinations, back room deals, and last minute changes of fortune for both parties. Who knows...we may even get to see the cops club, taser, and/or pepper spray some anarchists, aging hippies, and/or anti-war activists just like in the good old days.
The real interest though lies in Obama and Clinton and to a lesser extent Romney, not because he's a Mormon but because it would be cool to have a president named Mitt.
That race and gender are such a huge deal is a real eye opener (but not really unexpected). I for one don't have a prejudiced bone in my body although some of my connective tissue acts up around the Lebanese and I despise all racists....(especially the Chinese ones, who are the worst!!)
A potential 1st black man or white woman president means that the question "Is America ready?" has been heard ad nauseum and apparently without giving it's true meaning a second thought.
Just off the top of my head I can name Israel, Finland, Liberia, Germany, the Phillipines, Pakistan, Canada (albeit for 17 minutes), India, Argentina, and Great Britain as countries who've been led by women and there's been the occasional Black African leader who has proven to be a great and inspirational man rather than a murderous and greedy despot with solid gold bathroom fixtures.
The real story here is that in the great equal opportunity, melting pot to the south they are still gnashing their teeth over this. Every journalist and pundit who asks "Is America ready?" should realize that what they are really saying is "Yes we are a racist and sexist nation but now we get to find out to what degree."
While the picture above features the 2 leading Dems in traditional roles that most Americans are more comfortable with I'm more troubled by a question that keeps popping into my head; Is it wrong to fantasize about Hillary in a French maid costume?

Too Funke in Here

January 17th was a special day here at The Blob (and no....not just because of my triumphant return from Colombia) While I've been slow to respond that shouldn't overshadow the fact that I was elated to see a comment from one Dr. Tobias Funke, a wonderful, fictitious character from the sitcom Arrested Development.

Anyone who's familiar with the show knows that Tobias is a failed actor and Analyst-Therapist or AnalRapist, an oblivious loser, blithely closeted although married to a gorgeous woman. To the show's credit they didn't go the clichéd route by making him a single man, no GF, fatidious, artsy, houseplant loving type.

At any rate it was great to have him contribute to my little site...quite an honour!!

While we're on the subject of American TV it's nice to see the Colbert Report back in action despite the writers strike.

While researching an earlier post that included a link to Knut the Polar bear I found and intersting tidbit about Colbert and his faux master, right wing bully Bill O'Reilly (whom he refers to as Papa Bear). Colbert routinely rants against bears, (yes the animal) and it's ludicrous but very funny. Little did I know that he was borrowing from O'Reilly who has a serious issue with our ursine friends.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYC3fngxmfg

O'Reilly was also accused of sexual harrassment and settled before it ever went to trial. Somebody turned the transcript into a verbatim oratorio so the truth is immortalized in words and music......he is a bully and a perv. (and a liar and a hypocrite while I'm at it)

You can read what he said here: http://www.mackrisvoreilly.com/libretto.html

....and while we're on the subject of bears it's true that adorable little Knut may be part of an endangered species but another kind of polar bear is thriving here in Canada. I think Tobias Funke would approve. Here's a pic and a little musical tribute(funky of course)....that's enough mindless rambling for one day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIGsSLCoIhM

Man with too much time on his hands and a brilliant idea seeking investors.

Finally...my ticket out of this joint. An idea so fabulous that I hesitate to share it with you all.

Yesterday, sitting in a lounge area during a break between two rehearsals I couldn't help but notice that many of my colleagues, whether already eating or busy warming up leftovers in the microwave, were hacking and spuming to beat the band. I too have a cold and many of us who went to Colombia for the music festival came home with a virus. It could have been the close confines of the airplane or the impromptu group sex on the night of January 13th but whatever the case we were sick!

I observed as we ate, sniffled, drank, and coughed and then the light bulb moment, the Eureka!! I've been waiting for. Within minutes I'd already conceived of the ad campaign and if I can clear a few governmental hurdles then easy street is just around the corner!!

The concept in a nutshell is to combine medicine and food (I'm sure the Chinese have been doing it for years without telling us, but anyways...) with a slogan like: "Health food just got healthier!!" or something to that effect. We'd start naturally with a line of soups and here's the proposed 1st ad:
















There are other flavor/drug combinations in the works but I'm not really at liberty to divulge....OK just this one, how about Viagra Noodle with the tag line: "Call a doctor if lunch lasts more than 4 hours!!"


Also Cream of Accutane, Botox Bisque, Erythromycin with Portobello Mushroom etc.

Like it says in the header I'm looking for investors so if you want in on the ground floor just say the word and send cash. (lots of cash)

Tastelessness in Advertising

I came across this appalling ad yesterday but couldn't stop myself from making a side trip to the nearest Mac's (Provisoir in Quebec) convenience store hoping to get a free Dreamsicle brand icecream bar on Martin Luther King day.
Advertising, even bad advertising and often especially bad advertising works otherwise companies wouldn't be spending billions a year trying to coax us into buying their wares with often false or exaggerated claims. I have to rush off to work now otherwise I'd pontificate a bit more and remember:

Read The Blob and other people will love you more!!!

Do You Know your Facebook from your Assbook?

As far as I'm concerned my Facebook is my Assbook. This social networking site has become a minor blight on my existence and even though I fulfilled my New Year's resolution and cleaned up my Assbook (I mean facebook) profile page the mess keeps proliferating and people (perhaps well meaning) whom I don't even know keep inviting me to be their friend.

To be charitable these sites facilitate communication with friends, help perpetuate the Girls Gone Wild phenomenon, and provide an easy way to stalk former lovers without ever having to leave your living room, get in your car, circle their house a few times before getting up the nerve to check their mail, go through their recycling box etc. (if that's your thing). That's it for the upside, after that it's all a downward spiral of useless, pathetic forced whimsy and mindless "applications" or "apps": those bizarre add-ons that are forced upon us by people who couldn't be more desperate for manufactured fun.

Remember Tamagotchis, Pet Rocks, Mood Rings, Testicle Clamps and a host of other short lived fads? Well in a year or two we'll be looking back at Facebook and My Space (which I believe is some sort of site for people to advertise the crappy bands they're in) with bewildered nostalgia....."Remember those stupid snowball fight apps or the cyber gardens?? Yeah...and giving people gifts that were just little pictures or biting them to make them into a zombie?? My Lord what were we thinking??!!"

I'm thinking of starting a Facebook Sucks club just to see if it's accepted by this supposed bastion of true democracy. I'm tired of being made to feel like a schmuck if I don't accept the friendship request of somebody I barely know. I'm tired of relenting and then having these minor acquaintances inflict their YouTube choices and ironic top 10 lists upon me as the clutter and pollution of unfunny cyber jokes and cute cat videos turns my profile page into a larger quagmire of mindlessness than it already is. I'm so tired in fact that earlier today I excised one of these non-friends from my list and I'm prepared to suffer the consequences. Already people are looking at me with disdain...first at the mall and then at Tim Horton's. They know!!

Now I feel like shit....maybe I'll invite her back, but those cute videos...and the neediness!! Aww, what the hell, welcome back Claudette!!

Hey...who posted this video??!!

Where to Begin??

Another January Blob hiatus has come to an end and I've returned from Colombia once again having successfully avoided being conned into becoming a coke mule.

The music festival (the reason I was there) was a hit as was my carefully nurtured tan. By the end the locals referred to me only as "El Caramelo" and even those travelling with our entourage were impressed. Back here in Montréal my usual pastiness will soon return as I reconnect with my true self and achieve, once again, wan-ness with the universe

I kept to a strict regimen of 20-30 MPS (minutes per side) as discussed in an earlier post but because of an unfortunate oversight didn't get the overall tan that I'd hoped for. Being of husky build I forgot that that I actually have four sides and have come home with a whitish stripe down each side of my torso (The Oreo Effect as my GF so lovingly puts it). Turning back-side-front-side would become a tiresome and uncomfortable ordeal....it's already hard enough making the 180 degree flip once every 30 minutes!! Let's get serious here, there has to be a better way...and there is!!

Tanco Industries Ltd. of Redondo beach, CA has come out with a great new product that effectively puts the kaibosh on the Oreo Effect once and for all .

Rosie O'Donnell's Round 'n' Brown Beach Rotisserie is a wonderful new product that you can order through The Blob's catalogue service.

Order within the next 15 minutes and get a free Accessory Kit that includes a spray mister, baster, and dip-mop to soak up and reapply the precious, coconut oil infused drippings.

If only I'd had one of these babies down Cartagena way!!

A special thank you to all Blobophiles for your patience and forbearance. These were trying times for all of us. There were many occasions during the past 2 weeks when I longed to be in my cold studio typing away furiously about some inane subject for the momentary amusement of a handful of bored people even as I luxuriated poolside with a frosty pina colada amidst a bounty of thong wearing Jennifer Lopez types.

Well....I'm back(phew)....keep those cards and letters coming!

Mi Diahria di Cartagena....Enero 2008

Hola Amigos y Amigas de El Blob,

While the hi tech Blob postings are now on hiatus I still can do an old fashioned diary style blog every once in a while so pardon me as I now inflict this upon you:

Tan Update

• Day 1- perfect conditions as always, 15 minutes per side (MPS), little if any noticeable change in skin tone.
• Day 2- 20 MPS, base coat coming along nicely, pinkish hue detected (somewhere between bologna and black forest ham)
• Day 3- Went out earlier than normal (11:30) and did almost 30 MPS. Given the earth's midday inclination in relation to the solar rays the effect was somewhat stronger than expected. Noticeable corporeal redness accompanied by radiating waves of warmth across the upper back. Only minor discomfort....bullet successfully dodged.
• Day 4- medically recommended fallow period.

There is a documentary film maker here with us and I pitched an idea that may just have wings.

There are lots of these miniscule lizards here called geckos. My idea is a litle piece called The Gecko Hunter (a la Steve Irwin, the late Crocodile Hunter) I could chase after a gecko, (we could just tie a piece of thread to a dead one and pull it allong the beach) and then jump on its back thereby wrestling it into submission. At that point my 2 burly assistants would run in with rope and vigorously bind it for our further protection. When I got up there would only be a smudge on the beach and on my shirt, (possibly a mixture of ketchup and relish).

more later...maybe.

...and Furthermore....

Mama C said...

Maria better not take your advice and give up practicing and go on the road. Heaven forbid I should read a review that compares her to Steph Carse or Celine Dion!

This is of course in reference to Mama C's daughter and much loved Blob contributor Maria Callous.

Now I love classical music as much as the next guy or gal but these days it's little more than a delicious fruit that's being allowed to wither and dry on the vine. Maria has what it takes to be a star and pull in the big bucks so by all means let her sing something from La Sonambula or La Traviata but please.... add a synth and a peppy back beat.

Any young, attractive singer today of either sex should be encouraged to follow my advice. Today's classical-crossover consumer is typically an aging baby boomer who wants to appear cultured as he/she matures into his/her golden years so here's the formula for success: rockify some classical standards, classicize-up some pop golden oldies and hit the road. Soon enough you'll be opening for Helmut Lotti then you'll get your own record deal, a PBS special and if you're not careful an STD from one of your many admirers who survived the sexual revolution.

Today's young singer (along with the rest of their generation) needs a little more get up and go and a lot more marketing savvy. I ask you Mama C. would it be so bad to see your daughter gracing a popular semi-classical, pseudo-pop schlock CD in a year or two?

Just the One More Thing

Have you ever heard a frog trying to croak while its being crushed by a python? Probably not but Steph Carse does a really good impression!! "Who is he and why should we care?" you ask. Its actually a rather important issue for those who want to nip a male version of Celine Dion in the bud.
He's a local wannabe superstar with a large ego, small, swooping voice, and a studied, histrionic stage manner. He's done Vegas, has some videos out and has had one local Quebec hit (the french version of Achey Breaky Heart) but it looks like he has his heart and mind set on bigger and better things. We must act now before it's too late. Write your member of parliament, load up on ammunition, anything!!
I and several other Blobophiles are involved in a New Year's days concert where Mr. Carse's management has somehow swung a deal that allows him to sing 2 songs one of which is the Puccini fave Nessum Dorma. This is a Viennese concert BTW...Strauss, Lehar, etc. Nessum Dorma is from an Italian opera about China but it has those beloved high notes (albeit taken down a tone but SHHHH it's a secret)
He screwed it up a couple of time in rehearsal and it got to the point where the show's real tenor left the room, ran off to the bathroom and started warming up the aria...just in case (true story).
When we finally got through the whole tune the conductor asked Mr. Carse if he needed to run it again. "No" replied the pompous piece of fluff in a cocky and dismissive tone "I've already recorded this"
Anyways, enjoy the clip I've provided as evidence (listen carefully at 54 seconds...that's the moment where the frog actually dies). On with the show!!

2008 is Here: Let's Get This Show on the Road!!

As a word of warning I should just say that I'll be in Cartagena, Colombia from Jan. 2nd to the 15th so don't be lookin' for many (or any) posts for the next two weeks. If you really need me I'll be somewhere in the vast Hilton complex pictured at left relaxing and ogling the lush tropical scenery between gigs (it is after all a working vacation).

This is the 333rd Blob post and I dare say that few of my readers have familiarized themselves with my entire oeuvre. Think of the 1st half of January as catch-up time where you can go back into the archives at your leisure and see what you missed. As The Blob is by and large sequential and self-referential you may enjoy seeing the 1st appearance of a Turd Stuffington say or an early offering from author David Jerome.

For those new to this site here are a few pointers:

• Click on the headline of an individual post to see it along with all its comments.
• A given page has the most recent post at the top. You may want to scroll down and start from the bottom to see if there are any pertinent lead-ins to those above.
• Don't forget to click on the links that pop up from time to time.
• If I say something is true (i.e. increased Arab readership due to rumored Jewish porn on this site) then it is.
• The comment section is democracy in action. A free spirited, free wheeling, free for all where almost anybody can say almost anything they want. Feel free to sign up (a simple procedure) and dive in.
• I receive all comments in my email so even if you write something related to a post from long ago I'll still get it.
• Even though Oprah calls a vagina a va-jay-jay that word is strictly forbidden here!!!
• Every time you read something on this site that makes you laugh put a nickel in a so called Blob Jar and at the end of the year I'll send a couple of the boys by on a collection run...you don't want to upset the boys.
• I've decided that watching snow slide down onto your windshield from the car roof after you come to a stop is one of the great joys of winter...it is to be called a travelanche. Tell others.
• Demographers and trend watchers predict that The Blob will have an exponential explosion of readers in 2008. See what you can do to make this come to pass.
• Please shovel my driveway if need be while I'm away.
• bye

The Blob Year in Review "Rear View Mirror"Annual Retrospective: A Look Back

The end of the year is a time for taking stock, getting one's house in order, and moving ahead optimistically.

Here at The Blob it's been a year of steady readership growth, improved photoshop skills, brazen envelope pushing and a 27% increase in nudity (Saudi Arabia....you know you love it!!)

As always I've assembled a team of expert panelists to choose The Blob post of the year so let's run down the top item from each month before we announce the winner.

JANUARY: Although I was gone for the half the month it was still avery good crop of articles. Nothing can beat Jan. 1 for it's combination of warm Xmas/family values and perversity.

FEBRUARY: An interesting month although I didn't really hit my stride till later on. Best photo is from the 23rd but Feb. 26th and Aretha Franklin: 3 Times a Lady takes it by a chin.

MARCH: No 1st choice here. It was a slow month (only 8 posts!)marked by mild depression and major comp problems. Readership was way down, winter was dragging it's feet, let's move on.

APRIL: A month of recovery and discovery. Apr. 23rd wins with the help of the Lauren Butterfield links. http://oxygen.feedroom.com/?skin=oneclip&fr_story=d77d887a77405cc19ab0c1b9d141a21a3d645b0c&rf=ev

I urge you to check these out. If you don't you're a lazy,misguided chunk of crap.

MAY: The Blob gets it's groove back. My own personal favorite (Euphoniach, May 10) didn't make the cut because of a little something from May 22nd called "Where's the Jewish Porn?".

This post introduced me to the Arab world and gave a huge boost to the readership numbers.

JUNE: A watershed month and June 26th takes the prize! This was the day when Mikexxxster and Maria Callous both graced The Blob for the 1st time. They have gone on to provide a sickly kind of sexual tension that this site so badly needed. At present Mikexxxster seems to have dropped the ball and I've had to move in and assume his role. This included an extended holiday stay with Maria at her parent's party palace (was it 2 or 3 times we hot tubbed together) where I handled her flirtations with an avuncular dignity that Mikexxxster could only dream of...example; I only chuckled and crossed my legs demurely when Maria, about to pour me a beer, asked: "I can't think of any other way to phrase this...do you like head??(giggle)" She was of course refering to the beer foam (I think).

JULY: A prolific 21 post month!! Pope's and fries, the first cock shot courtesy of Michaelangelo and a magnifying glass but we have a winner and it's July 24th and the Euph!!! playbill cover. So authentic that it even fooled M. Callous.

AUGUST: Marked by controversy, cleavage, and competition this was indeed a busy month. Regular contributor Dixxx stirred up trouble by writing in as a woman named Maria del Clevagio who I mistook for Maria Callous thereby inspiring the wrath of her mother, Mama C.

The competition was a pie baking contest that was chronicled here and wins a rare "series" award for single-theme-based posts spread over several days.

SEPTEMBER: And the winner is....September 12th Ask Uncle Blob where this site truly fulfilled it's mandate as an advice resource. The Blob community rallied around young oenophile Maria C. and her man problems. In the coming year we can only wish her a ready and steady supply of men and/or wine (as the french say; coq au vin)

OCTOBER: Very difficult to choose with Tterbfan (AKA Ken Dryden), Dixxx and the Callouses acting as catalysts for some good posting. Let's give it to Oct 12 and 15 for the Dixxx wedding.

NOVEMBER: A no brainer...November 22nd for GF Phyllis' birthday post (see: appeasment)

DECEMBER: Definitely December 19th the Wilsons. After all, what would this site be without the euphonium, the people who play it, and the inspiration it gives me. (Honorable mention to the Roberta Flack interview and album cover Dec. 4).

and now the moment we've all been waiting for....judges, the envelope please (cue timpani roll)

And the winner for Blob Post of the Year goes to...damn I can never open these things....WOW, this is a shocker......from November 28th....2006????? The Greatest Orchestra Ever http://www.flurl.com/item/Naked_Asian_Orchestra_u_202435

Good night everyone!! God bless and drive safely.

Slimy the Slime Mold Proudly Presents:

" Let's Start an Internet Rumor!!"

SLIMY: Hey, hi, and hello to Blobophiles of all ages. I guess everybody is having a great time on their Christmas vacation but if you're like me then you're probably getting a bit bored by now and you know what that means...

KIDS: We have to make our own fun!!!!

SLIMY: Exactly and what could be more fun than starting a rumor. Let's see...hmmm....any ideas. Yes...Timmy?

TIMMY: What about the assassination of Benazir Bhutto???

KIDS: YAYYYYYY!!!!!!

SLIMY: That's a terrific idea Timmy!!

She was a famous lady who believed in freedom and who wanted to be president again, just like she used to be, but other people from that place called Pakistan think that ladies should just make babies and supper. Meanwhile American president George Bush made friends with Pervez Musharraf (who is the sneaky president of Pakistan now) so that he could help kill the bad terrorists. Pervez and his very strong army were helping a lot which is also good for Israel, a country that the bad Arabs want to destroy but Benazir was so popular that everyone was secretly afraid that she'd win the election and not be as good at killing the bad guys.

The Americans pretended to like her but still sent 11 BILLION dollars to Pervez because he was the best killer friend they had, even though they don't know where most of that money went...yes Cindy???

CINDY: Does that mean that they really didn't want Mrs. Bhutto to win an election??

SLIMY: It sure seems that way and she was killed because one of the crazy, bad Arabs got really close to her car and shot her in the head and then blew everybody up. She had asked Pervez for more people to protect her but she never got them. Does anyone know who's really responsible for the shooting??.....Jaden?

JADEN: ummm....the Mod Squad??

KIDS: (howls of raucous and derisive laughter)

SIMON: I think he means the Mossad, the secret service from Israel

SLIMY: Very good Simon and so who is really responsible for all this mess......come on, I'm sure you all know.....

KIDS: The Jews!!!!!

SLIMY: Exactly!!!!

KIDS: YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

People....People who need Peepholes

Just back from the Party Palace in Kingston after the 1st annual Blobophile Convention.

Fans of all ages, sexes, and colors (from pasty white to mildly embarassed pink) were in attendance including Party Bear, The Callouses (Maria and Mama) and a brief cameo walk-on by none other than Mikexxxster.

As the convention coincided with Christmas the usual trappings of ornament covered tree, decorative stockings and traditional Yule puke bucket were in evidence but nobody was really there to celebrate the birth of Jesus. This was instead a chance for all Blob lovers to buy and sell Blob memorabilia, trade anecdotes and get updated on the latest goings on at their favorite blog.

Here's a fascinating tidbit overheard at a convention soirée; "I hear The Blob received an award from the TRA (Turkmenistan religious authority) for using humor to help bridge the gap between Baluchistan and Khyrgystan!"

I think that says it all...a virtual non-stop funfest!!!

About now you're probably asking "OK, fine....so why the naked chick??" and well you may ask.

My room, while lovingly appointed was windowless and pitch black at all hours of the day (if the door was closed). As it so happened one wall seperated me from the lower floor bathroom and while it was made of stone there was a wooden section in the corner that was opposite the shower. I noticed 3 pinholes of light coming from that area one morning and decided to investigate. Sure enough some pervert had drilled through the wood so he could peak into the stall and sorrounding area. One hole was at foot fetish level, the 2nd was for viewing genitalia and buttocks and the 3rd higher still for face and chest areas. Whiler I never actually made use of these peepholes I was leaving before the rest of the guests and I was afraid that the holes would be discovered and I'd be blamed in absentia (which is probably the worst place to be blamed in). "

Should I say something or just hope for the

WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR LATE BREAKING NEWS:

Pakistani oppostion leader Benazir Bhutto is dead. Now back to The Blob

........geez......sorry about that but this is a sickening if not unexpected event that may have serious repercussions for us all. Bhutto was a true democrat and patriot who's courage in the face of mindless extremism may prove to be an even greater force in death than it was in life. The moderates in the Muslim world must rise up and take back their religion.

Ms. Bhutto, besides being a reknowned stateswoman was also #2 after Segolene Royale, on the Blob FLILF list (ed. note: the FL stands for foreign leader). She will be sorely missed.

The global instability emanating from the middle east has forced oil prices even higher. As a result the Canadian dollar has seen a dramatic increase in its value which in turn benefits me no end. I'll be leaving for Colombia in less than a week and thanks to all the turmoil my purchasing power will be even greater than it was when I was there last year!..... "Camarero, make that two orders of ceviché and keep the change!!"

More later as events unfold.