Let's All go a-Travelin' looks at NORWAY

Long overlooked, misunderstood, and misrepresented in the North American media, Norway is quietly leading the way into the 21st century and beyond.

As myth has it the great Norse god Odin slapped a huge handful of clay upside Northern Europe's head and so was born the great nation of Norway.

Approximately the size of New Mexico and with a population of 4.6 million, today's featured country counts itself as one of the most socially and economically advanced on the planet. Vast reserves of fish, oil, and other natural resources combined with an industrious and largely Christian/secular workforce create a dynamic and politically stable atmosphere but this has not always been the case.

We owe the word "Quisling" to the Norwegians and to one man in particular. It means a traitor (and collaborator) and Vidkun Abraham Lauritz Jonnson Quisling was exactly that. Seeing an opportunity to seize power he welcomed the nazi invasion with open arms, broadcast a coup d'etat during the news and within days became little more than a figurehead. He was executed after the war but his name lives on in at least 11 languages.

Other than him there are a handful of famous norskmen: Grieg, Ibsen, Munch, the explorers Amundsen and Heyerdahl, a couple of scientists and political figures.......not many really, sort of pathetic considering there've been people up there for 12,000 years!! Okay, so the 8th to 11th centuries were sort of a golden age when the Vikings ruled the roost. After that there was the plague (loss of 50% of the population...that's gotta hurt! ), political and religious upheaval leading to isolation from the rest of Europe and a couple of lost wars....your basic recipe for under-achievement. A period of cultural nationalism in the 19th century followed by independence in the 20th has now set the stage for Norway to flourish in the years to come.

Visit Norway, meet the friendly people and sample some of the fine food including Lutefisk, which is dried cod steeped in lye, or a steaming cone of whipped herring which can be purchased from street vendors almost anywhere! Three Norwegians have happened across the Blob in the past couple of days (according to my tracking software) and so this shameless travelogue is the result...I'll be expecting a note of thanks from the consulate any day now.

BTW if travelogue is a lecture describing travel what's analogue?

The Springerization of NASA

Okay...so this is another of those obvious targets but in fact it's just the old "love triangle" theme with a few twists thrown in (mental illness, adult diapers, mace, NASA etc.) This is the stuff of tabloid journalism, the bread and butter of the Jerry Springers, Maury Poviches, and Montel Williamses of our world. While these shows deal primarily with the lower socio-economic echelons of society the story in question deals with one of America's best and brightest, hence the heightened interest. It just goes to show, once again, that you can take the trash out of the trailer but you can't take the trailer out of the trash.......ummm no....you can take out of the trash....you can take the girl outta the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park outta the girl....whatever!! My point is that there is a fine line between infatuation and mental illness and not a one of us is immune. Sit back and listen to what happened to me not too many years ago:
If you're a faithful Blob reader you'll recall my weekend tryst (see may26th) with one Michaelle Jean, at the time a well known journalist and today our Governor General. After our camping trip I stopped returning her emails and was soon going out with Phyllis. When the GG got wind of this she started peppering Phyll with late hour prank calls and even showed up at her place of work (I believe she favoured a thong over the diaper) and tried to stab her with a syringe!
Bottom line: Lisa Marie Nowak is just the latest in a long line of spurned, depressed, and smitten women. If she hadn't have been a diaper wearing astronaut we would have never heard of her.

Whither Dixxx

That's the question that has been on everyone's lips of late as the Blob's most prolific correspondent has become conspicuous by his prolonged absence. I was at a loss to explain the sudden disappearance until I happened on the following magazine as I passed a newsstand on the way home from work. A trusted source, a plausible scenario, and all of a sudden I'm fearing the worst. Please, please say it ain't so!!

Global Warming and Me (and Phyllis)

I'll admit that with all the travelling of late I've sort of been out of the loop as far as knowledge of current events go. "You were in a 5 star hotel in Cartagena" you say, "Surely you could've watched CNN!" Well yes and no.....while I did get CNN International (mostly rugby scores and Spotlight on Lesotho) the reception was screwed up. The picture was fine but somehow the audio was the local taxi dispatcher. Even I tired of that after an hour or two. I was also quite busy in Colombia and Alberta so world news justifiably took a back seat.

Apparently a group of world climate scientists came out with a report today on the causes of global warming and I apologize for not yet having informed myself about its contents. I caught a bit of it in passing but I can't be sure if I heard accurately. For what it's worth I believe the report concluded that the increase in mean temperature is caused by Filipinos but don't go quoting me on this.

Phyllis and I have been anticipating the worst ever since we saw the film The Day After Tomorrow. Prior to my latest visit we decided that with the world coming to an end any day now we should take up a hobby that would be fun, bad for us, but not incapacitating on a day to day basis. Cigarettes were the answer and last week we began smoking 2 packs a day and I left Calgary wondering why we hadn't thought of this sooner!

When I say we I actually mean Phyllis since I can't afford a 2 pack a day habit. We got around this by closing all the windows and vents and having Phyllis puff away while I got the benefits of the 2nd hand smoke.... an elegant solution to a tricky problem.

Phyllis, ever the hedonist, couldn't stop and would smoke till the wee hours of the morning. A bit of sleep and an early start the next day was pretty much our schedule for the entire week. We laughed, hacked, and sputumed our way through six full days and each of us lost more than 10 pounds as an added bonus. For this to work though the world does have to come to an end within a couple of years so please...idle your cars, buy SUVs, stop recycling plastics, anything but let's get this over with!! OK gotta run...time for the nightly news.

The Greying of Hollywood

February 1st and the countdown to Oscar night begins in earnest. By now the nominations are well known, the PR campaigns are ratcheting up to full gear, and we may be witnessing a major shift (dare I say paradigm) in the way the film industry deals with North America's aging population. Just look at some of the nominess: Judy Dench, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Clint Eastwood, Peter O'Toole for heaven's sake....fabulous performances all and I know for a fact that at least two of them wear adult diapers. This is surely unprecedented and will likely herald a new era where the term "silver screen" takes on a whole new meaning.

The baby boom, that sweetheart generation of all marketers and demographers, is moving towards its dotage and taking its retirement savings along for the ride. Hollywood execs are finally feeling brave enough to cash in on this trend and will be producing more films that appeal to the older crowd. The recent and unfortunate Passing the Stone and it's inevitable copycat counterparts (see ad below) are but timid attempts at "going grey" while still maintaining some youth appeal.

Hollywood will always target the younger audience but I, who was born at the tail end of the baby boom and straddle the gap between both age groups (sort of like the mighty Colossus of Rhodes only much smaller and with a mysterious rash) will undoubtedly benefit from the greater choice of movies and the option of a more mature product.

The Blob Fights Back

I arrived home from Alberta early this morning, opened the daily paper and was greeted with the following article. Rather than copy it out in full I'll provide this link and a short synopsis. Basically the author, Prof. Michael Keren, contends that bloggers are lonely, deluded, losers. Go ahead...read the article...I'll wait http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070131.gtbloglonely0131/BNStory/Technology/home

OK then......I'll admit the man has credibility. After all, he's a college professor and published author. Indeed his book Blogosphere: The New Political Arena makes a convincing argument in favor of the above-mentioned assertions that we bloggers are a loathesome lot. Keren estimates that there are some 60 million of us who choose daily to lay bare our souls to the world via the internet. He then proceeds to interview 9 bloggers which is what's known in the world of human behavioral study as a "Representative sampling". (I figure that if you go outside and grab 9 people at random, 8 of them will be lonely, deluded, losers but that's another story)
I blog and I'm not ashamed to admit it but as part of my mission statement I've vowed to not turn The Blob into a diary where I pour my heart out to an uncaring public. I've spared you my misery.....the patch kit that was supposed to fix Angelina my inflatable mistress, the runny glue that found it's way into nooks and crannies, it's strange property of hardening on contact with human skin and our painful and embarrassing disengagement at the Jewish General's emergency department.
I've never burdened you with tales of loneliness, the hours of city bus rides to nowhere hoping against hope that someday someone will ask me for directions, for the time of day, or to simply be their friend. Each blog creates it's own little world of like minded people who, when push comes to shove, will be there to offer support and guidance. In my case I know in my heart that I can count on jd_5321 to provide "sexy girls for with me to party together any time" and this is all the consolation I need.
Michael Keren and academic naysayers of his ilk can write all the damning books they wish but until they get out here in the cyber trenches and experience, first hand, the magical brotherhood of a blog community their arguments will fall on deaf ears. Bloggers are like Noah and his family, escaping a disastrous world and sailing on towards a new reality. Woe be unto the scoffers who are left behind.

On Assignment in Alberta

Yep...that's right. I've hit the road again only a week after returning from Colombia and will attempt the odd post despite the challenges of writing under such harsh and primitive conditions....one sec...."Phyllis, I said pedal harder .... the screen keeps dimming when you slow down dammit!!" Sorry about that, anyways this whole globetrotting phase is about to come to a halt but for now I feel like a rambler, a gambler, a traveler, an unraveler (you try finding a rhyme for "traveler"....nope.... neither gaveler nor spaveler are words...I looked 'em up). Once I settle down again the Blob will regain it's comfortable cadence unless of course I get overwhelmed with work but what are the odds of that??? (LOL, Sometimes I crack myself up)

Trivia de Cartagena

Did you know that Cartagena was the setting for the 80's film hit Romancing the Stone? Well...it was. You'll recall that there was a sequel called Jewel of the Nile and then the franchise lay fallow for years as it's stars, the once hot Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, went on to age miserably. He, looking more and more like a Galapagos tortoise, lucked into a marriage with Catherine Zeta Jones and she gets the odd gig now and again but appears to have had a few too many whiskey milkshakes (if you know what I mean).

Anyways, there I was in Colombia when who should I run into on a trip out to one of the islands but a member of the crew that is back in Cartagena to film the 3rd installment. We had a couple of cervezas and it wasn't long before he was dishin' the dirt....Hollywood style! Apparently this will not be the swashbuckling, Indiana Jones type adventure that we're used to or that they'd hoped it to be. Mr. Douglas travels with his own gerontologist and the haggard Ms. Turner needed to have an extra large trailer flown in to suit her new found girth and her voracious appetites. Respective agents promised the film's producer that the actors would be in top shape, contracts were mailed back and forth and 4 rewrites later there appears to be a workable script, albeit one that takes into account the co-stars pasty bloatedness.

My buddy the key grip sent along this pre-release poster. Stay away from this movie....consider yourselves warned.

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Still basking in the afterglow of Cartagena and waiting on some photos to be delivered before I post my travelogue I thought a brief history would be in order. As the principal port and hub of Spain's gold plundering and exporting business, Cartagena has all the grace and old world colonial charm that one would expect. It's also heavily fortified (the Pirates of the Carribean, even without Johnny Depp, were a continuing problem) and oppressively Catholic (not that there's anything wrong with that).

There are many beautiful cathedrals resplendent with sacred works of art and gold artifacts but one also gets a sense that the Inquistion didn't happen that long ago. Surprisingly, a sizeable and centuries old Jewish community is still going strong, having settled there (among other places) after getting booted out of Spain for not converting. In fact it was the ones who stayed behind and converted that were most often the victims of torture as their sincerity and devoutness were regularly called into question.

The people of Colombia are fit and attractive....in fact it's rare to see a local who is overweight. This was so different from what I'm used to seeing in North America that I started to wonder if there was some sort of strange connection between their particularly orthodox brand of Catholicism and their taut, well muscled bodies. While we, the increasingly secular gringos of "El Norte" try to find our way we still avoid returning en masse to our houses of worship and instead look for more palatable substitutes....places where we can socialize, find structure, and suffer through trials and tribulations in the name of the greater good. Look no further than your local gym or YMCA. It's no accident that the mantra of the fitness gurus seems ripped from the pages of Catholic dogma: "No pain, no gain" is merely our catchy version of the more austere; "Without pain there can be no gain" which 1st appeared in medieval transcripts and is used in it's original Latin in the ad below. They had one of these babies at the gym in my hotel (Cartagena Hilton if you must know) and after a couple of hours I was looking pretty "ripped"!

I can only conclude that there's something to all this religious fervor....Mel Gibson in his prime was pretty buff and that albino self-flagellator in The Da Vinci Code had quite the 6 pack. That the Vatican is finally seeing fit to share it's instruments of exercise with us is no small blessing. This is just the kind of motivation many of us need to keep those resolutions we made not too long ago.

This Old Dictator or Fidel Gastro

It looks like Fidel Castro may just pull through his latest health scare thanks to modern medicine and the artificial anus. (they're already roughing in the plumbing!) I heard about this the other night on The Daily Show and decided to delve a little more deeply into the story. I'm happy to say that after a thorough probe the story is indeed Blobworthy.

That a dictator needs a new anus is noteworthy enough but the fact that they are making fake ones is, to me at least, the real stunner. I searched through dozens of on-line medical journals until I hit paydirt; an ad for the artificial asshole with (appropriately) celebrity endorsee Joan Rivers. Rumor has it that she's already on her third after life threatening anal ruptures caused by the numerous back tucks and other such procedures.

A Little Something for the Ladies

In doing some research for my upcoming post about Cartagena I came across this photo and bio of an apparently quite well known and studly South American singer. I'll reprint verbatim (promise) because it's too good and in a sense pure to be sullied with my own brand of fabricated vulgarity.

Niallo Brazofuerte- and The Caballeros of Cartagena
[Versión española] [Biography] [Guestbook]
Niallo Brazofuerte is the definite Latino-crooner. Imagine Leonard Cohen with a feel for the sizzling rhythms of the Mediterranean, and the charm to go with it. Or an Enrique Iglesias with balls, who would not trade masculinity for passion. Niallo Brazofuerte can certainly set the night on fire, while maintaining the coolness that gives the ladies the shiver and makes men want to draw their knife in shear jealousy. Sit back and enjoy, as 'Naughty Niallo' is back with a brand new bag of songs.

Niallo was born in 1974 in the troubled Downtown area of Kingston, Jamaica. His father Ricardo was a rabbi at the local synagogue, his mother Hazelina a prominent member of the Rastafari movement. Growing up under these conflicting theological influences, Niallo at an early age learned to be sceptical of dogmatism in any form and, indeed, prominent musicologists attribute the stunning diversity in his musical outpouring to this fact.
The first signs of Niallos musical talent came at the age of six when, at a school recital of Oklahoma, he won massive critical acclaim with a bone chilling rendition of "I Cain't Say No" in the role of Ado Annie. Unfortunately, at the same recital, his father won far less acclaim when displaying his genitals from the front row whilst expounding the benefits of circumsision to a stunned audience. Ricardo is believed to have been intoxicated at the time, but this nonetheless prompted their move to Buenos Aires where Niallo for the first time was exposed to the musical influence that would have the most lasting effect on him - the tango.
A natural born dancer and ladies man, he found in the tango a passion and melancholia to match his own, and it was only natural that by the age of thirteen he was the lead singer in a tango outfit touring the major cities of Argentina. By the time Niallo finished school in 1989 he was already a well known and respected figure in the hardcore tango community, but it was only with the release of his landmark 1990 album "Cojones y Fuego" that he became a household name.
In the succeding years a string of commercial and artistic triumphs followed, but unfortunately, they were accompanied by his falling ever deeper into the throngs of drugs and alcohol addiction. He hit rock bottom in 1998 when he was admitted to the Betty Ford Clinic after an incident which many have interpreted as a Freudian cry for help to his by now estranged father. At the 1998 Latin Music Awards, when set to receive his third Male Artist of the Year award, Niallo removed all of his clothes and proceeded to dance on the table whilst screaming that he had lost all of his fandango. Then, famously, he tore off Gloria Estebans left shoe and managed to use it to down four shots of tequila before being taken care of by security.
An eight year period of obscurity followed before his by now much publicized comeback. His comeback single "Lost In The Tango" is laden with references to his troubled past, and it can only be hoped that the cathargic virtues of self examination will help this conflicted genius contain his demons. As the maestro himself puts it: "There's whiskey in the jar". For his sake and ours, let it stay there!

I SWEAR I didn't make any of that up. That's by far the best bio in history!!

La Vuelta de la Blob

I snuck back into town a couple of nights ago and have been basically sleeping off my 2 week working vacation. I'm ready to ease back into the business of blobbing but don't yet feel up to describing the Colombian experience. Perhaps another book review will help kick start The Blob once again and it's a kid's book at that. I've always been a big fan of children's literature and especially those books that help the young ones deal with some of life's messier dilemmas. If you're the parent of a shy child who wets his or her bed then this is the book for you. The tough-love, whole-family disapproval approach to the problem, while controversial, is now being accepted by child psychologists as a last gasp strategy before institutionalization (ed. note: you have just read the longest word ever published in The Blob) Buy this book and before long you'll be able to kiss those urine encrusted, plastic sheets goodbye!!

Cartegena, Colombia- My Daily Journal or Mia Diahria

I´m just dropping in a quick post to let the faithful blobophiles know that I´ll be back in Montreal on the 16th fresh from my fact-finding mission with a full report from Colombia. For now computer access can be difficult and in my current state (engorged with garlic encrusted shrimp, besotted by pina coladas, rendered listless by the tropical heat and calming sea breeze, and distracted by the crazy breast enhancement - thong wearing fad) I may not have much too say for a few days....later.

2007: Things Can Only Get Better

2006 will go down as a miserable year where lots of bad stuff happened, lots of good people died, and lots of bad people who should have died didn't. Here at the Blob we can only hope that in the year "ought ought seven" we will not be shaken by global events but rather stirred into action. Already, just a few days in to the new year, the world is a much better place in which to live. Take a look and you'll see people walking with a spring in their step and a smile on their faces. With the execution of Saddam Hussein a new sense of optimism has spread from the gallows of Iraq across the entire planet. The celebrations continue in the Middle East where revelers fire their mortar shells skyward and detonate the explosive vests they wear producing a riotous, multi-coloured expression of unbridled joy!

Here in the West citizens and pundits alike have been bending over backwards to apologize to President and Commander in Chief George Bush for ever having doubted his strategy and keen insight...."You were right Mr. President....Saddam's execution is a clear indication of just how much progress has been made in Iraq. We've been such fools!!"

On the home front and on a more personal level there are some surefire ways of making 2007 a better year. By setting lofty goals with our New Year's resolutions we are setting ourselves up for failure. It's nice to say you'll lose 50 pounds and quit the booze, drugs, cigarettes, gambling, and whores but we all know it's not gonna happen. The last few years I've set more modest goals and have been overjoyed with my success:

2003 - Only one piece of gum at a time.

2004 - No more horizontal lines on the letter "I" when I do crossword puzzles.

2005 - Cut lettuce with a knife...no more tearing.

2006 - Slice oranges into 8ths rather than quarters. (while this may seem like more work it actually makes eating them easier and ends up being more efficient)

2007 - Double the crisp to apple ratio in all future apple crisps.

Tomorrow I leave for Cartagena, Colombia for a week and a half of fun, sun, and concertizing. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do any posting but many of you who have been rather silent on this site will have the time and opportunity to come up with some comments or questions. If you need me I'll be at the Cartagena Hilton in a hammock under a coconut palm, sipping a pina colada while drying off from yet another dip in the azure waters of the Caribbean.

A Jensen Family Christmas

Recently back from Calgary I'm only now beginning to put into perspective the "Christmas that was" just a few short days ago. Like my favorite composer Gustav Mahler I felt thrice the outsider: An Easterner among Westerners, a Jew among Christians, and a...........(OK, twice the outsider).

To be fair I did my best to fit in and it was more than easy as everyone there was most accommodating and friendly. As always a suitcase full of Montreal bagels helped ease the path towards complete acceptance.

This Xmas was by all accounts a typical one; Turkey, mashed potatoes, Texas Hold 'em, a captured crow (pictured here on brother Carl's shoulder....it looks fake and/or dead but I swear it's real and is currently being nursed back to health by Phyllis after having some large feathers yanked out by the family hound) etc.

As always Christmas at the Jensen's is centered on the children and in particular Phyllis' twin daughters who despite their growing maturity and ample experience with the holiday still approach the traditions with wide-eyed, childlike wonder. University educated in Edmonton and France these well rounded girls (pictured below) still dig into the Christmas sweets with gusto and open their gifts with excitement and glee. This to me is the joyous innocence that is at the heart of the holiday and indeed harkens back to a babe (2 babes?) in a manger.

The warm atmosphere, the spectacular scenery......I think I'll be back next year.

As parents many of us have so much trouble discussing the birds and the bees with our young ones that we never get around to answering the important questions about homosexual love-making. Children are curious by nature and who among us can safely say that little Kyle or Jessica won't approach us with a query that we're completely unprepared to answer. Simply chasing a stray ball into the bushes at the park or opening the wrong stall in the mall washroom can quickly lead to an uncomfortable situation that author David Jerome has sought to address in his latest children's book: "Daddy had his Weiner in Another Man's Pooh-pooh".

Tastefully illustrated and filled with whimsy, this book talks to children in a language they can understand without ever being condescending. Topics such as going bareback, fisting, gerbilling, and tea bagging are dealt with sensitively and the narrative is both entertaining and thought provoking.

Follow the adventures of 10 year old Jason as he visits his dad in Bar Harbor, Maine one summer weekend. While waiting in the car for his dad to come out of the sauna Jason notices his wallet on the driver's seat and, disobeying strict orders, runs in to the bath house to give it to him. What he sees in the steamy shower room and how he, his father, and the multiple partners deal with it make up most of the rest of the book.

David Jerome has written a must read for today's parent blessed with inquistive children. The Blob strongly recommends that you start the new year off on the right foot with "Daddy had his Weiner in Another Man's Pooh-pooh" .

A Leap of Faith

As mentioned in the last post I'm dealing with a primitive dial-up internet hookup while on vacation and I'm currently facing my first related dilemma. Dixxx (bless his heart)has sent me a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e647x8xFKTs that contains what I assume are warm Chrismukkah wishes from one Fred Phelps. All that I know of Phelps is that he is an outspoken and orthodox preacher who espouses a literalist view of scripture. As a result he and his devout band of disciples travel across the continent preaching the gospel and evangelizing just as they've been instructed to do in the bible.
While I may not always agree with his views I admire his determination and his steadfastness in the face of criticism. There are many who do not take kindly to him but it's hard to argue with his interpretation of scripture...it's all there in black and white.
I can't view the clip because of the interminable download time but if Dixxx sent it in and it's some sort of interfaith message of hope and tolerance from Phelps (which I'm guessing it is because he is after all a follower of Christ who was a kind, tolerant, and forgiving soul)) then I'm willing to take the leap of faith and blindly post the unvetted video clip. (a first here at The Blob)
I trust that the high standards of moral decency and good taste that I've worked so hard to achieve and maintain will be upheld.

On The Road Again

The Blob is hitting the road early tomorrow morning as I head west to spend a traditional homestyle prairie Christmas with GF Phyllis and her family. Posting from remote Priddis, Alberta will prove a challenge as I'll be in a dial-up type situation but with a bit of perseverance things should work out just fine.

As a card carrying member of "the chosen people" (I'd like to ask God exactly what it was that we were chosen for again) I don't celebrate the birth of Christ unless invited to do so by some of my Christian brethren and/or sistren. With a sudden and unexpected drop in airfare and a partial travel grant from The Inter-Denominational Council of Christians and Jews this trip became possible so off I'll go!

Some time tomorrow the entire Jensen clan will troop off onto the back 40 to search for the perfect tree. Soren, the youngest, gets to have the last word on tree choice (as per tradition) and the trimming and bedecking starts as soon as they all get home and set their boots to dry by the ol' forced air heat ducts.

Phyllis will certainly break out the holiday dinnerware and serve up her famous country-roasted muskrat. "The secret is to cook it with the skin and fur intact because it insulates the meat and helps seal in the juices. Just before serving I like to have one of my girls comb out the fur but that's just for presentation....we're having so many folks over this year that I may have to go out and shoot me another one!" laughed the gleeful carnivore.

The Jensens are of nordic heritage and as such prone to depression. This, to me, is the only explanation for the ceremonial unravelling of the scarf which every year seems to put a bit of a damper on the festivities. This tradition involves an intricately woven scarf, preferably hand-made by an elderly aunt or grandmother, that is passed from person to person and gradually unravelled until it resembles a tangled skein of wool. I'm told that it symbolizes alienation and the disintegration of the family. After this doleful interlude its time for dessert, presents, and party games.

Best Christmas wishes to you all. As always keep those comments and queries coming and feel free to help yourself to my stuff. To be fair let's keep it to only one armload per person so we don't have a repeat of last year's "Dave and the U-Haul" incident.

Douchebag of the Year

Everybody.....Everybody has had their say on the Donald Trump/Tara Conner (Miss USA)/Rosie O'Donnel melee. I felt that it was such an obvious target that I wouldn't even bother to lower myself and comment here at The Blob but then I says to myself "Self (I says) who do you think you're kidding?" Certainly none of you out there who know all too well that there are no depths to which I will not stoop.

Here's a quick recap - Tara wins Miss USA and then gets involved in conduct unbecoming of a beauty queen: hardcore partying, underage drinking and drugs, faux lesbian kissing...you know the routine. Rumors spread that Trump, who owns the pageant, is about to fire her but instead he absolves her at a heavily attended press conference. Ms. Conner breaks down in shame and, overwhelmed by Pope Donald's goodness, pledges to enter rehab (the new satcloth and ashes of the sin crowd) and vows to become "the best Miss USA ever!!" For my money the girl on girl kissing with Miss Teen USA already seals the deal!

Next up comes Rosie who trashes Trump who then trashes right back and a breathless world now waits to see if and when the lawyers get involved.

You had to be a real idiot to believe for one moment that Donald Trump would fire the comely pageant winner. The tainted image of the Miss USA pageant vs. the image of Trump as God the most benevolent, the weeping young hottie practically kneeling before him and giving him a Lewinsky right there for the whole world to see...he lives for moments like this.

For what it's worth I predict that Conner will fulfill her queenly duties and that when the year is over will almost immediately appear nude in some mag or debase herself on a reality TV show. Trust me on this one.

Speaking of White Stuff....

I don't want to start relying too heavily on YouTube for Blob content but damn there's a lot of cool stuff on that site.

You know that innocuous looking box of cornstarch in your pantry? This vid features a bit of the starch, some water, and a variable speed, lab-issue vibrator (sorry guys...no Asian chicks). Watch it till the end and I guarantee that it will freak you out!!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MILgZLzJVw

The Inconvenient Truth That Dare Not Speak It's Name

Dixxx said...
Why is nature taking the form of a penis again? I hate it when it does that.

With that one short question Dixxx has put his finger on something (let's hope he's washed his hands) that until now has only been spoken of in hushed tones among earth scientists.

Embedded in rock and locked away in the ice shields of the Antarctic are remnants of organic compounds with a strikingly similar molecular structure to testosterone. Dating back some 3 million years to a period of the Earth's last great warming these mysterious fossils are only now yielding clues that may give us some insight into the current state of our planet.

As we belch record amounts of greenhouse gasses into the upper atmosphere thereby depleting the ozone layer and causing an incremental rise in the Earth's mean annual temperature scientists, as early as 15 years ago, began detecting small amounts of the testosterone-like compound across the globe.

As Dixxx so insightfully pointed out, the effects are already being felt. The pictures above are but a few examples but more threatening still is the looming spectre of "global penising"! The weather patterns associated with the El Nino are beginning to transform into a more menacing El Pino and the North and South American west coasts are feeling the brunt this winter with thrust after thrust of inclement weather. As we on the east coast prepare for a green Christmas weary pedestrians in the desert city of Las vegas are dealing with snow of all things!! Sights of these streetwalkers wiping the white stuff out of their hair and eyes are common and incidents like this will be on the rise unless matters are taken into hand in the very near future. Paying lip service will no longer suffice but with those such as Al Gore pounding home the message at every opportunity there is still hope. His recently founded "Institute for the Study of Phalliform Geomorphology" shared this alarming picture of El Pino with The Blob and I post it as a warning...it's time to do something people!! Like an inmate in a prison shower about to drop the soap the Earth is heading unknowingly for an awful surprise!!

Bert Parks Remembered

If you're of my generation you'll probably remember Bert Parks as the perennial MC of the Miss America beauty pageant. He wasn't particularly talented and I never saw him do anything else on TV or in film but he did provide a sort of paternal feel to his role as host/harem eunuch. Parks also got to sing "There she is...Miss America" as the newly crowned winner took her walk of victory.

A good friend who has contributed to the Blob as Steiner, the Stern Brothers, kent@verbagecontroldata etc. has sent me a video that shows how untalented Parks truly was! (his own take on a McCartney and Wings classic that probably has Sir Paul spinning in his grave) This must see is a classic of poor directing and an over reaching ego and had me wanting to dust off my bazooka. The back-up dancers are every bit as bad and there's a great trumpet faux pas at the very end by the lead player who was probably so distracted by the preceding debacle that he entered early with what sounds like a very small and squeaky fart. http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=nJBDcb7kq_g

Element of the Year - Polonium

The sun rose on a new day, the last of the after-party revellers made for home and the surprise winner of this years "Mendy" award glowed just a little bit brighter. The Mendy is awarded annually to the element of the year after a nation-wide mail in vote of scientists, science writers, and the Hollywood foreign press.
Named after Dmitry Mendeleyev, (the inventor of the periodic table) the Mendy is the most prestigious and only prize available to the elements. As such we are subject to the perennial PR campaigns with different elemental camps placing ads in such august publications as the journal Science and the industry paper The Chemical Times.
This year saw Ytterbium take an early and seemingly insurmountable lead only to have victory snatched away at the last minute by the improbable winner: POLONIUM.
Last night's star studded ceremony was hosted by actor and raconteur John Ratzenberger, better known as the beloved postman Cliff Clavin from TV's Cheers. He presided over a fast paced evening that featured a lifetime achievement award to Carbon (or "the big C" as it's affectionately known) and a touching tribute to Mercury, a once popular element that has fallen on hard times since the introduction of the digital thermometer. Another of the evening's highlight featured Dr. Randolph Guthbertson, Dean of Chemical Sciences at Wesleyan University, who brought the house down with his whimsical take on the discovery of Thalium.
The murder by polonium poisoning of Alexander Litvinenko, Russian ex-pat and outspoken critic of the Putin regime, helped put the media focus on this year's winner. The press and public alike took immediately to the story that has all the earmarks of a John LeCarre spy thriller.
Polonium was discovered by Marie and Pierre Curie in 1898 and is in fact the only element named to highlight a political controversy, namely the partition and non-independence of Poland, Marie's native land. Pound for pound it's around 5 million times more toxic than cyanide and yet has remained a little known square on the periodic table until just a few weeks ago. Despite it's high toxicity it was used (until 1982) to extend the shelf life of fruit juices and certain dairy products.

That's Some Dreidel!!

With Chanukkah fast approaching it's time to think of gifts for your loved ones. Nothing says "I care" more than a beautiful, hand-crafted dreidel from Hyman's Judaica. Israeli artisans have overlooked no detail and are proud to present this numbered, limited edition dreidel that is sure to become a cherished family heirloom through the generations.

Look carefully at the gorgeous craftmanship.....the spindle and upper plate have been knurled and polished to a mirror finish. The side panel artwork by Moishe Ben Levitan has been commissioned expressly for use on the SpinMaster3000 and the original molds are on permanent display at the Beir Sheebah Museum of Modern Art! The tapered bottom panels have been Swiss-bevelled and the spin point has been laser sharpened to 15 microns.

The dreidel itself is composed entirely of 100% Sterling silver with precision engineered gyroscopic action and a floating beryllium core (pat. pend.) for double the spin life compared to that of a standard model. It will undoubtedly provide hours of fun and a lifetime of memories.

Similar works of functional art can be purchased at auction for more than a thousand dollars but by ordering today through The Blob the SpinMaster3000 can be yours for only 5 easy payments of $99.99 (tax, shipping, handling, customs duty and a little something extra for the wife not incl.)

Chest, Nuts, Roasted on an Open Fire

Penis-Burning Woman Ordered Detained in Montreal Until Next Court Appearance

Peter Rakobowchuk, Canadian PressPublished: Monday, December 11, 2006








MONTREAL (CP) - A woman who used fondue fuel to set her boyfriend's penis on fire will spend the holidays in jail. Police arrested Andree Rene last week after she failed to turn up in court for sentencing arguments on a charge of aggravated assault. In April 2001, Rene's boyfriend went to bed following a heated argument between them. As he snoozed, Rene doused the man's private parts with fuel and set them aflame.
The 52-year-old spent a month in hospital after suffering third-degree burns in the pelvic area and on his chest.

This is an excerpt from an actual story culled from the wire services (go ahead...google it) that caught my attention for obvious reasons. I guess I won't be complaining about girlfriend troubles any more and actually consider myself blessed that I've avoided that level of anger and vindictiveness. While the report itself is interesting I especially enjoyed the headline writer's brilliant turn of phrase: "Penis-Burning Woman" just begs to be the title of an up-tempo, riff driven rock anthem along the lines of "Born to be Wild" don't ya think??

She's a penis-burnin' woman and she's playin' with fire
Penis-burnin' woman object of my desire
Matches in one hand, fuel in the other
Say hi to your sister, used to be your brother
Penis-burnin woman, I'm the moth and you're the flame. etc etc.

Anyways, you get the idea...if you need me I'll be in the recording studio.

More B.S. - As in Britney Spears

I have no interest in Britney Spears or her music (OK "Toxic" wasn't a bad song and her crotch shots were oddly compelling) other than a certain fascination with her being the embodiment of the ever-growing celebrity as product phenomenon. Watch this interview (pre-divorce) and you'll be tempted to empathize with poor Britney, misunderstood and harrassed to the point of tears by the relentless paparazzi http://disloyal.org/?show=976 . Okay?? Now juxtapose the teary young mom with the recent spate of photos featuring Britney and Paris Hilton partying away with nary a pair of underpants between them. (see Dec 4th)

Let this be a lesson to us all: the majority of so called celebs are emotionally needy exhibitionists who live and die by the PR that they can generate.

I too make my living as a musician and have never had to resort to the crass display of my gentalia to garner publicity. "Oh Yeah?!?" I hear you ask, "what about Japan??" By now it's a well known fact that the incident in Tokyo's Suntory Hall was either a complete accident or the drunken result of a lost bet (damn you Mr. Fujikowa!!). My memory of the event is a bit fuzzy but I've been assured by the proper authorities that my work visa will be reinstated this coming spring provided I sign a sworn statement proclaiming that I will never again be naked within the internationally recognized boundaries of the Japanese nation. (yes ...that includes bathing.)

At any rate, that was a few years ago and I've since changed my ways. Only time will tell if several years hence, Ms. Spears will be able to say the same.

Chrismukkah???

I actually saw a municipal electronic message board announcing an upcoming Chrismukkah party and gift exchange. Now I'm all for the interdenominational, brotherhood of man stuff but please....leave my holiday alone!! This is yet another example of the war on Hannukah (or Chanukka, Channukah, Hannukha etc.) that shows no sign of letting up.

Jesus was no doubt a great man but he may have been a cross between motivational maven Tony Robbins and magician David Copperfield rather than the son of God. Hannukah on the other hand...now there's a miracle! A thimble full of oil lasting a full 8 days?? I get shivers just thinking about it....I mean really....OIL.......8 full days!!......and it was only a tiny bit!!! Imagine the power of 5 D cell batteries crammed into only one AAA and you'll begin to appreciate the scope and grandeur of this holiday. Honestly, it wasn't even enough oil to fry up a pork chop let alone consecrate a temple for more than a week and now the powers that be are trying to hybridize the Festival of Light and deprive us of it's singular glory. It's bad enough that the obligatory seasonal shopping trips leave me feeling less like a human being and more like a cow headed for slaughter (the retail outlet as abbatoir where we are herded, manipulated, and processed by forces way beyond our control) but please....don't go cutting my potato latkes with bits of fruitcake or wassail (whatever the hell that is).

Chrismukkah?? I think not!

NBC Stays the Course

Displaying uncommon resolve, NBC decided thursday morning to stay with their regularly scheduled programming rather than switch over to a live press conference featuring Tony Blair and George Bush. All other North American networks carried the event but NBC ignored the herding instinct and stuck with Martha Stewart.
"I was completely against the idea at first" said anchorman Brian Williams "but when I saw that fabulous cheesecake she was making.....well, it was a call I wasn't willing to make...I backed off immediately".
Stewart, a reformed convict and the high priestess of homemakers followed the cooking segment with another devoted to inexpensive, fun fashions for the holidays. Meanwhile frustrated viewers across the nation were missing The Price Is Right and The View. "I'd just yelled out my bid on a home juke box and then they cut to that Katie Couric woman...I never knew if I'd have won or whatnot!" Betsy Munson wasn't the only unhappy customer as switchboards lit up at nearly all the stations who'd cut away.

Bush and Blair,as expected, had little if anything of substance to say (the Iraq Study Group report notwithstanding) so NBC won the day by being resolute and remaining loyal to their morning fan base of bored, overweight women. (and me)

Out on a Limb

Call me crazy but I have a sneaking suspicion that darkhorse candidate Stephane Dion will emerge from this weekend's Liberal leadership convention with a stunning upset victory. As unlikely as this seems I've spent some time analyzing the situation and the numbers seem to add up. Pundits and editorialists aside, poll leader Michael Ignatieff has been in damage control mode ever since that now infamous drunken brawl at Teezer's strip club in Oshawa and Ontario's Bob Rae while running a respectable 2nd has failed to capture the public's imagination with his repeated references to "The snuggly, patchwork quilt of love that is our great nation of Canada!"

Toiling tirelessly in the background, Dion has been wheeling and dealing and is prepared to pounce when an opportune moment arises. Look for also ran Gerard Kennedy to fork over the large passel of delegates that Dion will need to put him over the top. Remember...you heard it here 1st!

The Blob endorses Stephane Dion as leader of the Liberal opposition and as future prime minister. His winning combination of keen logic, dogged determination, and a sickly pastiness are but a few of his assets. In time he will win over the rest of Canada, yes even his home province of Quebec, where he is regarded as something of a traitor for having had the nerve to demand the truth of the people who wanted to dismember the country a few years back. If I'm proven wrong about all this I'll get out of the business of political prognostication and shut this blog down for good.

Leave it to Beaver 2: The Brazilianing

Any regular reader of the Blob knows that one of my most frequent contributors is the Beaver Woman (GF Phyllis in her many guises). Well look out Phyllis because fresh from her divorce and hoping to re-establish her party girl image, new mom Britney Spears is fixin' to give you a run for your money.
By now everyone knows that Brit has started partying with Paris Hilton and baring her pre-pubescent beaver to paparazzi in a calculated and cynical attempt at some product (namely herself) re-imaging. Now I'm no prude and have nothing against nudity (I was actually naked twice yesterday and again today!) but this is just pathetic. What's worse is that it works!! I'm writing about it, it's all over the web and TV...we're talking millions of dollars worth of PR for a couple of crotch shots. The message is clear to all of today's young women: Talent is no longer enough and often unnecessary. Click on this link (then on the Listen button)to hear an interview that applies to this post as well as those of Nov.19th, June 14th and June 12th.http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6549015

DiscomBlobulated

No posts in almost a week, difficulty sleeping, a hankering for Chinese food...these are just a few of the effects that publishing ( and the repeated quality control viewings) "The Greatest Orchestra Ever" have had upon yours truly. I spent many of my formative years in youth orchestras and music schools while at the same time suffering from a chronic case of Yellow Fever (my 1st two girlfriends were in fact Oriental). The video in question caused a sort of post traumatic stress reaction that really threw me for a loop and in a way had me thanking my lucky stars that I hadn't seen it or anything like it when I was a teenager. (has anyone ever died from excessive self-abuse??)

I'll try to get back to Blobbing on a more regular basis despite a slew of Christmas related work in the coming weeks. I think I can do it if I budget my time wisely and stop checking the NACO (Naked Asian Chick Orchestra) video. After all, it really does get old after the first 20 or so viewings. Remember.....the original Blob charter mandates that I give advice to my readers so feel free to ask me about anything. BTW Dixxx, the girls of NACO wore high heels to one-up the Hanshu Academy for Gifted and Naked Musicians orchestra who were completely nude (no class if you ask me).