Fred Phelps said...
Dear Blob,
It has been my life's ambition to become a grand master Scrabble player. Outside of playing lots of Scrabble; is there any technique or mind focusing gimmick that might help me?
Fred Phelps is a Kansas City preacher who made famous the phrase "God hates fags" http://www.godhatesfags.com/main/index.html and routinely stages protests where he and his small band of followers spew biblically based hatred. Nevertheless he did write to The Blob and it's my sworn duty to reply. As much as I know about dating advice this question is really in my wheelhouse!! I've been an avid scrabble player for decades and met my GF playing the game on line (or so the legend goes).
There a reams and reams of guidance available on-line Reverend, such as this site: http://scrabbleclub.com/resources/tools.htm I won't bother you with strategy talk as it's all just a mouse click away. What I can do is relate what for lack of a better term is the more "spiritual" side of the game. Just as God has talked to you about the dangers of homosexuality (the feces fornicators and semen eaters that you so delicately describe) through the good book so too will the lettered scrabble tiles begin to talk to you after enough thoughtful playing experience.
I remember when this happened to me...I'd been playing the game for years but had never 
really given the true meaning of the letters a 2nd thought then one day a revelation!! The letters had intrinsic value beyond their points and this could change according to their availability during the course of a game. Consonants that blended with each other, tiles that I'd need in order to place other, more difficult ones that still hadn't been picked, suffixes or prefixes that I'd hang on to thereby improving my odds of playing a bingo (the treasured 7 letter word!) . Almost overnight my rating improved miraculously. Of course unlike believing in God it helps to have a bit of smarts. Blind faith alone will not allow you to hear the letters once they begin to speak. Open yourself up to the strategic possibilities of the alphabet and a whole new heavenly, bingo-filled realm awaits!! I must warn you though....their are many fags who play scrabble and "The Official Scrabble Dictionary" is a veritable gay phrasebook with word like anal, couture, fabulous, lube, and sconce. Good luck and may God bless.
10 comments:
I thought I had picked the name "Fred Phelps" out of thin air! I am shocked to discover that I used the name of that wacko by mistake! The lord does indeed work in mysterious ways.
Dixxx
Yes Dixxx, a most curious choice of alter egos: an alter egomaniac/ vile hatemonger. I had a feeling it was you though and the "picking the name out of thin air" defense isn't going to hold any water around here.
Remember a comment you made on Dec.23rd, 2006 and the subsequent posting of the 25th? Type Fred Phelps into the "SEARCH THIS BLOG" box or go to the archives to jog your selective memory.
P.S. God is pissed off and expecting an immediate apology. He DOES work in mysterious ways so if atonement isn't forthcoming you can expect some unpleasantness. How does an apartment filled with locusts and a fiancée made entirely of beef tallow sound???
BTW I'm just a conduit for this stuff...don't shoot the messenger!
Oh, Blobbie!! I'm away for 10 days, and the Blob sinks to a new low!! What is the fascination with these poisonous, rat-like creeps (I don't mean Dixxx) Messrs. Craig and Phelps??? As one of your older, and therefore wiser readers, I remember a gentler, kinder time when "the love that dares not speak it's name" was never even aknowledged, much less used as a comedic tool! O tempora! O mores! To give younger Blobophiles a taste of what it was like as late as the 50s and early 60s, here's a quote from a British sex education textbook for girls published during that era. "When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he does for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man late at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obediant and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and restore your night-time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes." I have nothing to add, Blobele, except to say, it was a golden time, wasn't it?
Larry Craig??? Talk about old news Mikexxxster!! I agree that Fred Phelps doesn't deserve the publicity but he DID ask a question and I had to remain true to my mission statement. A quandry yes but I believe I did the right thing.
As for the golden days you speak of I prefer a woman with a little more spine...although a morning tea would be lovely.
Mikexst(fuck)er, I have only one comment for you. It's a quote from another article that I've found quite insightful, and hopefully you'll find it useful. It's from the Old Man's guide to the Hot Young Woman's Galaxy:
"What mature, well-balanced (arguably), sexually experienced men don't understand about women can be broken down thusly: Firstly, you are not the centre of our universe. The modern woman, or "neo woman" works first and foremost for herself. We just happen to have a need for men that must be satisfied. BUT, only when you're showered, shaved, deodorized, plucked, groomed, styled and begging for it. And even then, only when we say so. You're never in charge of what goes on in the bedroom (or the shower, or the kitchen.. or the backyard... or the stable...). Secondly; cat-calling doesn't work. Thirdly; men have the tendency to hold on to an ideal about how a woman should look, smell, taste etc. But unfortunately for you, we will look like shit when we're upset, we will skip a shower if we're late for work, we will eat a whole tub of haagen dazs when we're depressed and you babies will suck it up and tell us in the most believable manner possible how fucking beautiful we are. Because we're women and you can't live without us!"-by Felicity Muffet
Wow, harsh. Bitch mus' be on the rag.
Mikexster,
I'm seeing a side of you I should have known, but was blinding myself to, I guess. Frankly, it's hard to imagine the days when women completely obliterated themselves for the sake of their man. I guess I'm lucky that my loving help-meet doesn't object (aloud) to my ragged full-length pyjamas, bed-head, farts, burps and other stuff I won't even mention. On the other hand, if he did mind, I could probably find someone else who didn't!!! Ha! Just dangle the carrot of regular sex and a guy is putty in your hands!! Mwa ha ha!!
I dig the girls girls girls...
Hey Mikexxster,
Go to the local love shop and buy yourself one of those blow up dolls. That'll do it 'cept for tea.
PG
Mama C,
Thanks for confirming some suspicions I had about your marriage. Now I now for sure that you are the one who wears the pants (albeit ragged and pyjama-y)in the family. I was surprised however to find out the YOU are the one with dangling carrot. (you're joking about the burping and farting right???)
I cannot tell a lie. YOu're right. I never burp or fart. Or wear pyjamas.
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