Rare organism that lives in lakes entered victims’ bodies through the nose
PHOENIX - It sounds like science fiction but it’s true: A killer amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die......
Algal blooms, fecal coliform, and now this. The simple pleasures of my youth are being picked off one by one as though God were some crazed sniper with a vengeance/persecution complex. Sure we are in the process of destroying the very planet that he so carefully crafted (although it only took him 6 friggin' days....out of all eternity!!) but he also carefully crafted us so God, if I may be so bold....maybe it's time to take a good look in the mirror.
I'm not a seer or a prognosticator nor do I have a crystal ball but if I did this is what I'd see as I look towards a less than promising future:
- An overheated, over-populated planet
- An Arctic region exploited for it's natural resources, it's indigenous peoples allowed to die off from alcoholism, diabetes, and a host of other illnesses
- At least 5 more babies for Britney Spears
- A world where most people in the West literally plug themselves into their home entertainment/computer systems possibly under the influence of genetically engineered opiates.
- At least 27 new Ben and Jerry's flavors including something called Phil Spector's "W
all of Fudge" - The end of social interaction as we know it today, except of course for the roiling underclasses who will continue to replicate in large numbers.
I hope this isn't too alarmist but it's probably a good time to start preparing for the worst. I was going to include the eventual return of a virulent strain of VS (Venereal Squirrels) but the latest New England Journal of Medicine reports that the future is now!! The scourge of the early 19th century has returned with a vengeance and the CDC is recommending abstaining from outdoor sex or (if it is an absolute must) the use of a flexible lucite shield as pictured below.
If you
are experiencing a gnawing or burrowing sensation in the genital area, find nuts and seeds stashed in folds or crevices and hear nondescript chattering then present yourself to a healthcare specialist immediately!! Early treatment is almost always successful and involves a combination of powerful antibiotics and laser. If left too long the venereal squirrels will have a chance to reproduce and at that point it's pretty much game over!
18 comments:
Take it from me- the poster child of VS- a preventitive shield is worth it, and much better the the current alternative: a rat poison douche/ suppository
Excellent advice Arielle and thank goodness that you caught (or trapped) your case of VS early!!
Kids out there, if you're listening, you'd do well to heed the advice of one of your peers who learnt the hard way. VS is no laughing matter when it happens to you.
If you look up the World Poker Tour (WPT) Turks and Caicos edition you'll see that our local boy Rhynie Campbell won the tournament. On the site there is a blog where this very nerdy, geeky guy spoke of Rhynie's fan club of "middle-aged" women (yep, I was part of that crowd) who were getting increasingly inebriated as evidenced by their cheering and laughing as the match was coming to its quite exciting conclusion. Bah, says I. We had had only 3 drinks and here in the Caribbean that is like having a thimbleful of booze we're so inured to it. Perhaps we were exuberant because our guy was winning. Texas Holdem can be quite lucrative - he won 438,0000k or so.
Anyway I thought this topic was a little more interesting than parasites and STD's.
PG
Dear Paradise Girl,
Congratulations on finally making it to the World Poker Tour website!!! I knew that all the extra-curricular drinking would one day pay off (or is that an esential part of the curriculum down Turks and Caicos way?).
I also appreciate you setting me straight....I was starting to think NOTHING was more interesting than parasites and STD's. I've been both a participant and spectator at Texas Hold'em games and it can be quite entrancing. The fact that these sleazy, mis-shapen, lowlife poker guys are becoming sports network stars is disconcerting to say the least and I hate myself for knowing some of their names!! Forgive me.
Blobinator! I remember a kinder, more gentle time when the Blob was all about euphoniums, pie baking contests and girls with cloven hooves......................what went wrong, Blobbie?? When did the Blob go off the rails??? One doesn't have to be a Conservative or a Republican to appreciate the old-fashioned values, I assure you!!! Gay bathroom sex, venereal squirrels, Texas Hold'em (I remember when a rousing game of go-fish and a few soda-pops was a wild night out!!)?!?!?! As Cliff Claven would have said ,"what's up with that???" I'm no prude, but if this is the wave of the future, include me out!!! Why can't things be like they were?!?! Thomas Wolfe said you can't go home again; I'm not so sure! Blobster!!! Why not a post about a really cute (but very naughty) cloven-hooved, pie-baking euphoniumiste who's lost her way (morally speaking) and the (just) slightly older, yet very stylish man-about-town-boulevardier professional musician (maybe he could be wearing a new, snazzy corduroy jacket!) who shows her The Right Path? I suspect Blobophiles everywhere would be all over such a story like stink on a monkey!!! (You're welcome!!!)
Sure they will...
Mikexxxster, haven't I already done enough to provide you with fantasy fodder here at The Blob?? I suppose in such a case one can never do enough and who wants to end up like Shindler crying "I could have done more!" In that spirit I will recount the following:
There once lived a raven haired beauty who had 2 loves, baking and playing her treasured euphonium. She'd wake at dawn to make pies for her small bake shoppe and while they cooled,practice her daily regime of long tones and scales . Erica was her name. (happy??? She was a kind and simple girl who knew little of the big city and rarely ventured out embarassed as she was by her cloven hooves! Yes, her feet had been transformed by an evil wizard after she had declined his amourous advances and now she lived in quiet shame.
One day a kindly, spry, gentleman wandered into the village coaxed there by the entrancing aroma of Erica's baking and the magnificent sound of her euphonium. He was quite the dashing figure, his hair a silver gray and his corduroy hunting jacket crisp and finely tailored. "What marvels await me here, what enchantment??" he mused. "I must find the source of these sensory delights!!" He followed his nose and ears to their source and peered cautiously through the window. "Pigs feet!!" he thought "how can this be?"..........Mike, honestly...I can't do this anymore. I'm starting to feel like a sellout, whoring, sap! If you want to know how the story ends send money and lots of it!!
THE END
I got a story for ya Mikey: Once upon a time there were two young wenches from the countryside. Since they were country-folk they dared not venture to the big city though they were assured by the townspeople that the two could make boat-loads of money doing "what God intended", only on videotape. The two girls had been best friends their whole lives and lived together in a small cottage. Times got awfully lonely out there so they sent for a man whom the townspeople had told them could help them improve their lonely existence. This man's name was Pervy McPerveson and he was the oldest and wisest of all bachelors. The wenches had great hopes that this wiseman, or shaman, could teach them the ways of love (or something like that). Sure enough, when ol' Pervy stepped up to the house, the girls were ecstatic. Not only was he handsome, but he was wearing the finest corduroy jacket they'd ever laid eyes on! "How do you do, fine wenches?" Pervy said. "We are well, sir," replied the wenches, "But we suffer from a lonely existence. Is there some way you can help us?" Without a moment's hesitation, Pervy spoke up: "Well yes I can, m'ladies. Firstly, when you're alone, do you sometimes feel a strange attraction to one another?"
The girls pondered this. "Well, yes we do," they said. "Ok," said Pervy, "do you often take all your clothes off and hit each other with feather pillows?" Again, the wenches considered this, "Why, yes, we do!" "Excellent," replied Pervy."Now I have one final question." The girls positively glowed with anticipation, their breath bated and their very beings yearning for this man's unparalleled phraseology; he must have the world's greatest thesaurus! they thought. "Well ladies," said Pervy, "Do you think I look hot in this lulu lemon t-shirt?" The wenches stared dumbfounded at Pervy. "Lulu lemon?" they replied, "What are you, a fucking fag?"
ed. note: pulitzer, here i come.
I'll give you the Pulizer though since "The Hours' won that, I have never put much stock in that prize winning category. Yes, it was a good read, but literature? Not! Pisses me off.
Anyway, how you all doing? Love ya...
PG
So wadda 'bout Texas Hold'em? Never mind intellectualizing about Pulitzers etc. - those low life scum bag, trailer livin' trash, as Blob put it, bear some sort of recognition, errr uhh?
Dear Blob,
I glow with fatherly pride, re the last posting from Maria Callous. Well done, girl! I think you should be waiting on the Nobel (for Peace AND Literature), not that crappy American award. They can shove it!
To Paradise girl: Thanks for the news on the poker. I am looking forward to some "hold 'em" of my own soon, but probably not in Texas.
p.s. Love from Mama and me.
Excellent work Maria. Story telling at it's finest and most brilliant!! I was trying my best to cater to the Mikexxxster but couldn't quite pull it off. Your blend of enchantment, teasing lesbianism and vulgarity should fill your parents with both pride and dismay. Again, Bravo!!!!
p.s. OK forget the dismay.
Hi, Blobbie! Kudos to you and Maria Callous for those (bodice) ripping yarns!! Maria's in particular seemed to strike a chord somehow. Then I realised that it reminded me of an obscure, almost forgotten book by Benjamin Franklin called Useful Fables for our Day; the last time I saw it in print was at least 35 years ago in, of all places, the humour magazine National Lampoon. Maria's wonderful story put me in mind of one of the shorter fables from the book. Here it is. "A Bevy of beauteous Ladies had long afforded a wealthy Gentleman plenty of Bosoms and Bottoms, and jobs of the Hand. But the Gentleman begrudged them the animal pelt Coats and large, gem-studded Rings that they Subsisted on, and at length even kept from them their Cocaine, leaving them to shift for Rewards as they could, and yet he still expected to Nuzzle their ripe Mammae as before; but the Ladies, offended with his Unreasonableness, decided to Nuzzle their own Mammae, each to One and Another, and, being thus Content, told the rich Farmer to fuck off." The similarities are amazing, don't you think, Blob? But of course, the wealthy Gentleman could not have been wearing Lulu Lemon, nor would he have had anything to compare, thesaurus-wise, with Mr. McPerveson. Well done, Maria!!! All the awards that are sure to come your way will be richly deserved!!!
Yes Mikexxxster, the similarities ARE amazing. Unlike Ben Franklin, Maria C. failed to mention that the two girls had "ripe mammae" but I naturally assumed that to be the case so no harm done. I'd never heard the term "mammae" before (unless you include the old Jolson song) and kind of like it. Beats the heck out of "bazongas" at any rate.
Yes, I am proud. Tears fill my eyes as I write this and I no longer worry lest Maria Callous's real name not be as famous as her pseudonym, for she will make mega-bucks writing pot-boilers in between gigs!
Another AMAZING coincidence on this particular Blob segment! One of my favourite songs of all time is, yes (wait for it!!), Al Jolson's Mammae!!! "Mammae,how I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old* mammae!!! *Old, of course, in this sense, is understood to mean ripe-as in a "ripe" cheese, for instance (old((not ripe))Ben Franklin knew of which he spoke!). Mmmmm, good (this is a wonderful example to all, by the way, as to the importance of having a "well-thumbed" Thesaurus at hand at all times!!!!)!!! One wouldn't want to be "left thirsting at the well", as it were!!! Keep up the good work, Blobbie! You are mammAOK!!!!
Dear Pervy,
It's a standing Blob policy (actually all my policies are lying down on the sofa, but anyways...)not to correct or comment upon spelling errors or malapropisms. Misquoting lyrics is another story. I believe the song you are referring to is "Swanee" anothe Jolson favorite.
A quick Google check on the proper wording would have spared you the embarrassment but I'm willing to chalk this up as a rookie mistake. Unfortunately your humorous reference is now baseless and as such has been rendered null and void. I pleaded for lenience at the committee meeting but man, what a bunch of hardasses!!
I have a love-hate relationship with virtual memory because of how prices are always falling. I hate buying SDs for my R4 / R4i at (what seems to be) a cheap price only to see it become ten percent cheaper a couple of months later.
(Submitted on qqPost for R4i Nintendo DS.)
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