Ant-agonism

Norwegian Fred AKA Dixxx writes: "Do you have a good way to rid your abode of ants?"

A simple, little question and yet one of such weight and import that I hardly know where to begin! Other bloggers would probably give a yes or no answer and maybe a few tips on how to help eradicate the pests but not here at The Blob where the clumsy motto "No subject left unexpounded upon" is as true today as ever.

At a tender age I was first alerted to the spectre of world formic domination by the 1954 cult classic THEM. This was one of the 1st nuclear monster movies and featured giant, mutant, irradiated ants wreaking havoc on th US. Fast forward to 1971 and the Academy Award nominated documentary The Helstrom Chronicles which postulated even then that mankind was poised on the brink of extinction due to global warming and nuclear conflagrations and that insects, with millions of years of an evolutionary head start were quietly poised to assume dominion over the earth. Leading the way? Why the ants of course!!

This film more than any led me to redouble my effort, started some years earlier, to wipe out ants (at least in my backyard) and do my part to save humankind. This was a solitary pursuit, done without fanfare, and it occupied many a summer afternoon when some say I should have been riding a bicycle or figuring out how to talk to girls.

As the weeks turned to months and then years I developed and perfected techniques that are still being used today. Starting with the basic shoe crush I moved on to boiling water (inspired by the brave holdouts at the Roman siege of Masada in ancient Israel) and later to the advanced and original Shock and Awe method whereby a basebal bat was used to smash the ground around the anthill (the Shock) scaring the inhabitants to the surface and a can of Raid was used, cropduster style, (the Awe ) to wipe them out.

I tried to get others to join me in my struggle but they all claimed to have "lives" as they put it so I soldiered on alone.

Today there are all sorts of anti-ant products available. One that I find particularly good is the aptly named Raid Ant Killer; a slow acting concoction that attracts ants who bring it back to the nest where it kills the queen.... how diabolically effective (cue evil laugh).

I'm sorry to say that despite our best efforts the ants will win out. They have formed a perfect social structure, are highly adaptive and very industrious. The closest we've come to that model as a species are the Chinese and they're already showing signs of softening. If that news isn't bad enough just look at this postcard I picked up on a recent trip to Russia. Don't say you weren't warned!!