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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Land of the Fat

Who's the fattest of them all? We are
63 nations studied. Survey excluded our hefty U.S. neighbours
TOM SPEARS,


CanWest News ServicePublished: Tuesday, October 23
Canadian adults, both men and women, are the most obese in a survey of 63 nations that raises new health warnings for our country.




That this survey didn't include the U.S. of A should immediately set off the alarms (No, that sound doesn't mean the fries are ready) and make even the least sceptical among us question its accuracy. The article quoted above does go on to say that the actual Canadian obesity rate is around 22% (compared to the survey's 36%) and the U.S. rate is 33%. Both are alarmingly high but at least we have a few belt notches to go before we catch up to our portly neighbours to the South.

For those of us trying to lose a few pounds and bring down the national average the mixed message gauntlet is both bewildering and daunting. Never before have we been so well informed about the ill effects of overeating nor has it ever been easier to pig out. Add to this dichotomy the relentless bombardment of ads, the 100s of millions of dollars spent by major corporations to convince us that their concoctions of small amounts of protein smothered in salt, fat, sugar, and processed flour are good for us and it's no wonder we're in this mess.

All fast food restaurants serve salads now but hardly anyone actually buys them. I think corporate psychologists have determined that corpulent consumers feel better just knowing a salad is available as they wolf down their Big Mac or Triple Bypass Bacon Burger....the very same motivation that as kids led us to bring our homework on the family vacation only to leave the books unopened. We are being studied, focus grouped, and manipulated to death. The junk food industry is thrilled but so is the diet and health industry who reap the benefits as well. Yo-yo dieting is the best thing that ever happened to all of them so what are we to do in the face of these forces?

Here at The Blob I espouse moderation and balance. For every gluttonous, cheesecake clogged soirée there must some sort of healthful follow up, ideally the very next day (a light salad and some spirited wrestling perhaps) and if you don't yet have to buy your clothes at a special store you're doing OK. If you are on the fat side and want to shed a few pounds you'll need motivation which means you have to be in a positive frame of mind which means you have to feel better than somebody else....this is where the fat celebrities come in!! Find one who's way fatter than you and allow yourself to bask in the idea that despite their massive wealth and fame they would kill to get down to your weight! Get on that stationary bike....Kirstie Alley just had another donut, she's out of control but you're not!! "Oprah can't keep it together...poor, poor, Oprah... time for your walk!!"

There are literally tons of overweight stars but if you want an easy reference guide check out this magazine. Forget Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slimfast etc. Just pick a fat star and let the motivational boost help get you back into fighting trim.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

An Autumn's Outing



tbone mikester said...
Dear Blobele-I had the misfortune to play for "The Velvet Fag" (pardon my French, but he was as queer as a three dollar bill, in spite of your memories-just ask his then oh-so-beautiful jolly-roger of a drummer) at the Montreal Jazz Festival. He was the most loathsome human being I have ever played for. A beautiful voice and musical talent do not give anyone the right to behave like an unbridled arrogant asshole. Even a minimal amount of artistic ability should make a person a better human being-to be able to create beauty (a very rare gift) should (hopefully) make anyone a more thoughtful, more perceptive person. The preening, egotistical, sneering, snarling shit-head masquerading as a sensitive artist on that day was an embarassment to musicians everywhere. To end on a happier note; he is dead!!!

I recieved this post from Mikexxxster on the last glorious, warm day of what they now call Indigenous peoples of North America summer and boy was I thrown for a loop.
Wow...Mel Tormé gay and a complete asshole to boot (and he's dead you say!!??!!), I guess I've had my head in the sand. What next? Are you going to tell me that J.K. Rowling outed one of her main characters? (lol)....She did WHAT ????? One sec, I'll be right back............. (cue sounds of frenzied google fact search)


OK, sorry about that. It's unbelievable but true, JK Rowling admitted this week that Albus Dumbledore is gay and I suppose all the signs were there. He was after all "head"master (helllooo) and at a school seemingly named after an anal sex related STD ("hawg warts"?....heLLLOOOOOO) but most importantly he was the top wizard and like most literary and screen wizards before him had many of the trappings of a stereotypical gay man. From the Wizard of Oz to Uncle Arthur of Bewitched we've seen it all before; the confirmed bachelor, always impeccably groomed, the all powerful wand as a rather obvious phallic symbol, and a personal life that is all but absent from the narrative. Santa Claus has his Mrs. Claus, Fred Flintstone his Wilma but do we ever get to see the better half of Merlin or Gandalf?? Kind of makes you think.

This all smacks of one of the most cynical cash grabs in literary history.
With the Potter series over Rowling knows that the largely childless gay population never really turned up in droves to buy what were essentially her children's books. By rebranding one of her main characters as gay after the fact she avoids the sales losses that could have come from a Christian right backlash (they tried with the anti-witchcraft campaign but that never really caught fire) and she gets to tap into a new niche. What can we look forward to now? Sirius Black was actually Black? Hagrid an orthodox Jew?? Throngs of interested new readers will buy the books looking for the hidden clues that validate these assertions. She's a clever woman that JK and her campaign to be "richer than Oprah by 2010!!" looks to be well under way.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Remembering the Swingin' 60's (objects in rear-view mirror may appear hipper than they actually were)

marty paich said...
Blob,

I'm feeling a little low - been this way since Mel passed - I don't even know if I can still call the Dek-tette a dek-tette without Mel......

(Ed. Note: Marty Paich was a legendary pianist/arranger/composer/conductor who, along with Mel Tormé and the Dek-Tette, helped set the lounge music world afire and were 2nd in hipness only to the even more legendary Rat Pack who's last remaining member, Joey Bishop died earlier this week)

Marty it's great to hear from you and sort of a shocker as well because honestly, I thought you were dead. If you'd gone into hiding and had your people send out a false press release I'd certainly understand what with the court ordered castration but seriously, from what I remember of you in the steam room at Caesar's it was no great loss. Like I used to tell the guys; "Marty's balls were the only thing about him that didn't swing!!"

Anyways, your letter certainly brings back a lot of great memories. How many nights did we hit the 3rd set out of the park and then close the bar at the Monte Carlo room (I'm still waiting for you to spring for a round of martinis, you cheap bastard!) and the time trumpeter Jackie Sheldon spiked your PuPu platter with ex-lax at KonTiki's Polynesian...we all laughed so hard, well let's just say you weren't the only one who crapped your pants that night! And dear old Mel, what a lady killer eh?.....if that guy's dick was an inch less than a foot then I'm the f***ing queen of England. (Remember when I got dressed up as the queen of England and convinced the staff at the Aladdin to comp me the presidential suite for 2 nights...you were my man servant and the 3 hookers were ladies in waiting or something. What a lark!!)

BTW Marty, we all miss Mel. What a talent, what a singer, what a musician!! Lot's of people loved him but few knew his dedication to charitable causes and in particular the World Wildlife Fund. Because of this (and also because of the uncanny resemblance) a recently discovered frog species was named after him posthumously.

Thanks again for keeping in touch and for letting me hang with you guys back in the day. It was heady stuff for an impressionable 10 year old boy and most of the time I didn't understand what you guys were saying or doing but I knew it was important and that one day I'd be the better for it.......I could've sworn you were dead.....

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Another World Menopause Day has Come and Gone



I don't know how I let this slip by but Oct. 18th was World Menopause Day. I was alerted to this when I happened upon The View during a furious bout of channel surfing. It seems as though one of the hosts, Joy Behar, is this years celebrity spokeswoman and as such the lucky audience members all got free moisture wicking pyjamas (I kid you not!)

This new product actually dates back to the 60's when NASA was looking for a solution to the heat and perspiration generated by the cumbersome flight suits. This is just another example of how the space program benefits us all.....but back to menopause.

They say that in another 20 or so years there will be more than 1 billion women over the age of 50. The health issues that result from this change of life are important and the time for dialogue is now. While this clearly is a woman's problem in reality there is no such thing. The irritability and loss of libido associated with the ovaries shutting off hormone production (estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, provolone etc.) affect men significantly just as second hand smoke can kill non-smokers! Next year I promise to give all my readers a "heads up" as the big day approaches so we can all find a woman in passage and rub her with ice packs while we tell her how beautiful and vital she is. You may even want to buy her some special pj's.

Friday, October 19, 2007

It's Comeback Time

Everybody loves a good comeback, (and no, I don't mean the witty retort or insult...you argument for euthanasia!!) the riches to rags and back to riches again story that we just can't seem to get enough of. We wilfully participate in tearing down successful celebrities and leaders and then root for them to make it through rehab, jail, community service/admit their true sexual preference/find the Lord and get back to whatever it was that they used to do, ideally to succeed wildly only to hopefully fail again.

Sure this is one of the more pathetic aspects of human nature but I have to admit that I enjoy, for instance, the Oprah "Rollercoaster of Fat" as much as the next guy. I'll begrudge her the billions of dollars and applaud when she wheels out the symbolic wagon of fat to celebrate her weight loss but what I'm really waiting for is the inevitable failure (the latest is being blamed on a thyroid condition.)

I had the great misfortune of watching Britney Spears lastest video; Gimme More (which I believe is in reference to pork rinds) and I'm astounded that it's way up there in the N. American pop charts. It's shot in grainy, grimy black and white and she plays a low class stripper. There's no tune, stupid lyrics, some obligatory rapper...even the lowest common denominator crowd out there should object but no....we want a comeback!


And how about Benazir Bhutto?? Was that a triumphant comeback or what?? Throngs of well wishers and supporters, a spectacular Al Qaeda suicide bombing (the radical Islamic world's answer to the 21 gun salute) all there to herald the return of the once and future leader. From the squalid slums of Lahore to the squalid slums of Karachi the celebration/mourning continues while in the USA voters still gnash their teeth wondering whether they are ready for a woman president. Pakistan is an Islamic state with a sizeable population of radicals. It has nuclear bombs and along with Israel is the most likely place for the end of the world to begin and they're already on round three!!
The more I think about it the more I understand the "comeback" rationale. We all want to believe in the possibility of redemption and enjoy playing God, casting people out of the garden then letting them back in. We probably do this for the karma value hoping for similar treatment when we f**k up. I guess this judging/forgiving attitude is part of being human but with your help we can keep The Blob a judgement free (with the exception of some of my more verbose contributors) zone for years to come!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Today's Word of the Day: PESSARY

dixxx said...
Dear Blob,

Did you know that the first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.?


Leave it to Dixxx, our very own "Crocodile Dung D" to come up with this gem and talk about your crazy coincidences. I just happen to have a small tub of croc dung sitting in my freezer. I procured it at the zoo and used half of it last summer as a poultice for my bursitis (BTW it didn't work...don't believe everything you read on the internet!) . Being a bit of a pack rat I couldn't part with the rest.

The idea of using excrement as a contraceptive intrigued me so late last night I attempted to fashion a condom out of the stuff and failed miserably. Try as I might I just couldn't get the damn thing to stay on or even hold together. Just the slightest twitch sent clumps of it breaking off so after about 5 attempts I said to myself "It's time to pack it in". That was the eureka moment I'd been waiting for!! Of course you couldn't use crocodile shit as a condom, it must have been used as a pessary or vaginal suppository!

Just think about it, 4,000 years ago, the hot Egyptian sun, no pasteurization....as bad as processed croc crap smells today it must have been positively rank back in the day. A small amount of dung, strategically inserted would have dispelled any procreative notions from even the horniest soldier back in town on leave, especially with all the comparitively fragrant camels and goats roaming around.
We may be living in a high tech, fast paced world but we still can learn a thing or two from our distant ancestors.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

A Return to my Roots

I never go to synagogue unless invited to work or attend a bar mitzvah and even then there must be a spread afterwards or even better, a cheque. I'm not proud of this nor am I contrite but like other lapsed Jews there is always a smidgen of guilt lurking just below the surface (with each rasher of bacon I stab a dagger right through my Grandmother's heart!!)


The Blob affords me the opportunity for some free self-administered therapy so away I go!!


There are wonderful Jews and annoying Jews, great looking Jews and others who should consider a strategically placed prayer shawl, talented,creative, funny,artistic Jews and a handful of boring nebbishes. (like my Dad's accountant Milton Speiderman...and even he had a movie made in Tel Aviv based on his heroic efforts to balance the books for the NYC head office of Bank Leumi after an embezzlement scandal threatened to scuttle the whole operation.)
The Judaic culture (holidays, meals, comedians) is great but I can do without the religious aspects. If I wanted every little moment of my day spelled out by someone else's arbitrary rules I'd have re-married long ago!!
The food (Oy the food!!) while in no way high end is still delicious and filling. A bite of a smoked meat sandwich or a toothsome knish never fails to satisfy and take me back, at least for a moment, to the old country.
The legions of the self righteous will surely protest: "Judaism (nor any other religion except for Buffeterianism) is not a buffet! You can't pick and choose the elements that appeal to you and forsake the others." and yet this is exactly what many of us do. If it turns out that we're all wrong I guess we'll all be meeting down below one day...I hear they serve a wicked matzoh ball soup!!







Monday, October 15, 2007

The Wedding That Was...A Look Back

As mentioned a couple of days ago, Dixxx (a habitual contributor) finally got married to the radiant Tesssa (his habitual cohabitator). The very nature of a blob-type object is it's ability to shape shift with ease and as such The Blob today becomes something like the social page of your local newspaper.

Despite the gray, cold October day the mood inside the chapel was festive and warm. Good taste and simplicity were the order of the day with Dixxx providing the latter leaving the good taste to be taken care of by others.

The Unitarian ceremony was both moving and inclusive of all faiths. A Torah hung on the wall artfully encased in glass and a pentagram was displayed handsomely not far from the alter. The handful of children in attendance were well behaved but I did detect a few muffled cries during the bloodletting of the goat (a time honoured Bantu tradition). Music was provided by an outstanding brass quintet who hit the only sour note of the entire day by failing to include a euphonium in any of their arrangements. This is not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but when one considers that it was Dixxx's euph sound that first attracted Tesssa to him, as she puts it: "Like a turkey vulture to a rotting marmot in August!" well...let's just say it would have been appropriate.

The reception, held in a refurbished old theater, was the perfect blend of good speechifying, delicious food and drink, and hot babes doing the Macarena. It also afforded me the opportunity to continue researching my next book; Short Like Me. In the grand tradition of John Howard Griffin (Black Like Me) and Tyra Banks; http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=1280787 I managed, through a series of easily reversable surgical procedures, hormone treatments, and several well placed mirrors to appear to be well below 5 feet tall despite my usually robust 5'9".

On this particular occasion I set my sights on a reasonable cross section of the female population with the unwitting participants running the gamut from blonde to brunette, 21 to 46, and coming from different socio-cultural and geographic backrounds. On this special evening and despite my diminutive stature it's readily apparent from even a quick look at the picture that I could have scored with any of them. Only my high standards of journalistic integrity kept me from following through. Sometimes ethical professionalism can be such a buzz kill!! At any rate the wedding was fabulous, the research gruelling yet rewarding and the book should be out in time to stuff those Chrismukkah stockings/support hose ("Oy...again with the phlebitis!!")


p.s. Dixxx the wedding is over, you finally got to do it with Tesssa, now get back here dammit!!!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Blob Saturday Morning "Barrel 'O' Monkeys"



Hi Kids, Slimy the Slime Mold here to guide you through The Blob's very 1st Saturday morning activity page for all of you out there who are afflicted with ADD.

The Blob is normally for consenting and immature adults so please don't look at the other posts. Hey...just to be on the safe side make sure your parents aren't around. OK???...great then...let's get this party started!!

CRAFT TIME

Everybody go get your crayons and 3 sheets of construction paper but first let's take a look in Dad's tool box...what's that cool noise?? Is Mr. Leamington using his new riding mower? Go take a look but come right back!! Terrific!!

SHORT STORY CORNER - Meet the Smugs

Cindy and Daniel Smug lived in a perfect little house with two perfect little children named Sam and Samantha. One day their cousin came to live with them but just for the summer. He had a note attached to his suitcase and it said: "My name is Riley Wiley and I'm going to live with the Smugs because my Grandma is sick and can't take good care of me anymore. The people at social services said that maybe she'll be better if she rests this summer because Grandma says I'm a handful."

Anyways, Riley at first caused a lot of problems because he was a handful and the Smugs were mad until they realized that he had ADD and got him on ritalin and learned to accept him for his good qualities and everybody learned something and his Grandma got better and she and Riley made Thanksgiving dinner for everybody.

THE END

CARTOON CENTRAL

Everybody loves cartoons, especially really short, action-packed ones that don't have complicated stories. Watch 'em one at a time then go do a few other things, come back a minute or so later and watch another one!! What could be better??? click here for your cartoons: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJYxCSXjhLI

Sorry about that kids...those really sucked didn't they. I suppose I should have checked but I was making lunch while doing a sudoku and texting a couple friends. Maybe you'll like this one more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=575T2V5VJkc&mode=related&search=

Ok, so that one sucked too. Maybe you should all go play outside or something. This is Slimy saying "you're all special, almost all of you!!"

Friday, October 12, 2007

The Social Event of the Season!!

The Blob has been around for almost one and a half years now and has built up a healthy core of around 4 to 6 regular contributors. I'd like to think of these devotees as the life blood of my blog but let's face it...I am. They are however an essential component of what goes on here so I'll graciously concede that they are the very saliva of my blog, welling up and issuing forth with each tasty morsel that I offer.

Although he has been absent of late Dixxx was one of the earliest and most frequent scribes to artfully grace the comment section. I'd like to think that he hasn't abandoned The Blob but has merely been preoccupied for tomorrow, at long last, are the much anticipated Dixxx nuptials. Yes, Dixxx will be marrying Tesssa and I couldn't be more thrilled for the 2 of them.

Here they are in Brazil where Dixxx insisted he looks better without sunglasses and....Jesus H. Christ guys will you get your eyes off the chick in the tight yellow shirt??!!?? (what a bunch of pigs!!)

Let's try that again....


Congratulations and best wishes from The Blob and remember; just because you'll be married doesn't mean you have to stop participating in this blog. Many couples have incorporated The Blob into their pre-sex ritual as an aperitif (and you can trust me on this one). Just a couple of lines from a Turd Stuffington post read aloud to my GF almost always leads to some frolicking in the boudoir. Best of luck to you Dixxx and to Tesssa, the lovely bride-to-be!!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

"From Lennoxville to Cowansville is 15 miles" -Tales of a Traveling Musician


Those of you with a good map will realize that the title of this post is off by a good distance. It's merely my take on the famous Alan Squire poem "From Wilverton to Wolverton (is 15 miles)". Squire was a traveling poet (a brief vignette of the master appears above) who's style of free association back in the 1940's paved the way for Ginsburg, Ferlinghetti, and myself. I too will be traveling the next couple of days to points east not to spread the written word but rather to introduce a whole new generation of teenagers to the wonders of the orchestra. 7 school concerts in 2 and a half days is a nice chunk of work and it's importance can't be overrated. Industry analysts contend that providing a positive orchestral experience for today's youth pays big dividends for all concerned. Not in the much cherished potential for a new audience (let's get serious here...this is probably the only live orchestra they'll ever see!) but in a general spirit of good will. The kids get to miss one or two classes and in return one day we musicians may get spared a beating by roving gang members simply by flashing an oboe or any other of the so called "gay" instruments.
While I enjoy the romance of the troubador lifestyle it does mean that I won't be able to Blob for at least a couple of days. This trip is following closely on the heels of Thanksgiving which itself followed Succoth. "What" you may ask "is a succoth??" and who could blame you. Succoth is the Jewish harvest festival which commemorates the annual pilgrimage to the holy temple in Jerusalem where all Jews were obliged to tithe with a percentage of their bounteous harvest and partake heartily in the feast as well.
"...and though shalt remove from thy grainery a portion and carry it thereof, along with all manner of beast and fowl and make thee a route to Yerushalaim and giveth thee of thy harvest. Shouldst the journey be of length then build thee a Succah of lintelwood for shelter and bed thee therein and admonish not thy neighbour should he overindulge and gorge himself in my bounty for I am the lord God and I say unto thee; Let he who is without chins throw the first scone." Eccl. 4:15
Bottom line; a lot of cooking and eating has gone on in the past few days and precious little blogging. Seeing as I'll be out of commission for a while here are a couple of clips to help you pass the time. 1st up is Art Metrano who back in my youth had an entire generation copying his act http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-SNrvHdZJE followed by Brother Theodore, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9OXF3REb7U a curmudgeon who makes noted misanthrope Mikexxxster look like the blessed St. Barnabas himself! A little Norwegian history finishes off the triptych; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ&mode=related&search= See you soon.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Naughty Maria


Blobby, you filthy smut-peddler. I didn't know you could be such a sell-out! Did my story teach you nothing? You must not give your readers, faithful as they are, everything that they ask for. BHB! ....... have you got any priest-on-priest videos?


I addressed Maria's concerns in the comment section and mentioned the unfortunate absence of gay priest videos on the net. I did manage to find a little something that she may find suitable. Maria, a psychologist friend of mine says that women who fantasize about gay priests tend to be a tad cautious about men as GP's are the safest, most non-threatening guys ever!! Any thoughts? comments?

BTW, WTF does BHB mean??

The Road to the Stanley Cup - Hockey's Holy Grail

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

When Nuns Go Bad








Italian Archbishop Closes Convent After Nuns Come to Blows
Sep 30 02:53 PM US/Eastern

A convent in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows, press reports said Sunday.
Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior's authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari in an incident in July that was kept quiet until now.
This story is appealing on many levels: the irony,the power struggle, the cat fighting by sexually repressed women but it came as no surprise to those familiar with the goings on at the now infamous convent. My sources in Bari tell me that rumors of debauchery have been swirling for years with tales of drinking, smoking, gambling on dog fights and even the creation of a paramilitary wing by the paranoid Mother superior.

Locals have pleaded with Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri to keep the convent open. "Not much happens in Bari" said greengrocer Alvaro Vizzutti, "the nuns and their lewd ways give us something to talk about and they're good for business. Just last week Sister Antonia came in and ordered 120 bananas. I told her it's actually cheaper to order 144 and she says ``I guess we can always eat the other 24`` It doesn't get any better than that!!"
Alvaro also mentioned that he made 1000 lira at the weekly dog fight that the sisters operate. "They are very crafty" said constable Giuseppe Pandolfo, "The cat fights are one thing but these dog fights are always staged as a kind of parable, good vs. evil, the eternal struggle for our souls. Yes, there is gambling but the money is used for good which is not unlike the game of bingo in American churches, no?"

There is already talk that the World Wrestling Federation
has offered the sisters a contract but at press time this is yet to be confirmed. Reports from Hollywood suggest that the heady mix of religion and violence is the next potential project for well known Cathoholic Mel Gibson. Should he win an oscar it would be a magnificent tale of redemption after a dismal fall from grace. Jerry Bruckheimer is said to be interested in acquiring the rights.


Saturday, September 29, 2007

If you Need me I'll be Locked in my House for th Rest of my Life

6 Die From Brain-eating Amoeba After Swimming
Rare organism that lives in lakes entered victims’ bodies through the nose


PHOENIX - It sounds like science fiction but it’s true: A killer amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die......

Algal blooms, fecal coliform, and now this. The simple pleasures of my youth are being picked off one by one as though God were some crazed sniper with a vengeance/persecution complex. Sure we are in the process of destroying the very planet that he so carefully crafted (although it only took him 6 friggin' days....out of all eternity!!) but he also carefully crafted us so God, if I may be so bold....maybe it's time to take a good look in the mirror.

I'm not a seer or a prognosticator nor do I have a crystal ball but if I did this is what I'd see as I look towards a less than promising future:


  • An overheated, over-populated planet


  • An Arctic region exploited for it's natural resources, it's indigenous peoples allowed to die off from alcoholism, diabetes, and a host of other illnesses


  • At least 5 more babies for Britney Spears


  • A world where most people in the West literally plug themselves into their home entertainment/computer systems possibly under the influence of genetically engineered opiates.

  • At least 27 new Ben and Jerry's flavors including something called Phil Spector's "Wall of Fudge"

  • The end of social interaction as we know it today, except of course for the roiling underclasses who will continue to replicate in large numbers.

I hope this isn't too alarmist but it's probably a good time to start preparing for the worst. I was going to include the eventual return of a virulent strain of VS (Venereal Squirrels) but the latest New England Journal of Medicine reports that the future is now!! The scourge of the early 19th century has returned with a vengeance and the CDC is recommending abstaining from outdoor sex or (if it is an absolute must) the use of a flexible lucite shield as pictured below.

If you are experiencing a gnawing or burrowing sensation in the genital area, find nuts and seeds stashed in folds or crevices and hear nondescript chattering then present yourself to a healthcare specialist immediately!! Early treatment is almost always successful and involves a combination of powerful antibiotics and laser. If left too long the venereal squirrels will have a chance to reproduce and at that point it's pretty much game over!








Sunday, September 23, 2007

and Silence at the Close......


As many of you may now know, the legendary mime Marcel Marceau is no more. He did much to advance his art and his classics; walking against the wind, tug of war, eating an apple, and trapped in a box etc. will live on forever. As a fitting tribute I will say no more but instead will make mournful gestures with my hands and eyebrows.

While I have your attention it appears that I and some regular Blobophiles may have hurt the very prolific contributor Mikexxxster's feelings....how else to explain his prolonged and unusual absence? I'm thinking about reworking the recent book cover (Sexual Politics in the Modern Era) to better conceal his identity and would appreciate some input. Think of it as kind of a mini referendum. What say you???

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Dutch for Kids (warning: may not be suitable for children)


We've all done it...misunderstood song lyrics, sometimes for years, until we learn better. I thought Handel's "Comfort Ye" was " Come for Tea" for instance and you can feel free to tell me about your similar mistakes. In fact there's a website devoted to this very thing http://www.kissthisguy.com/funny.php which is worth taking a look at.
The clip above, that I was fortunate enough to find, takes this concept and runs with it: A Dutch kid's show with a happy little song that has been phonetically interpreted and sub-titled in English more or less accurately a la "Mad Gabs" (that game where you have to figure out that "into rachel mayor ridge" means "inter-racial marriage" for lack of a better example). Please watch with an open mind...I will not be apologizing.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Be the First Kid on Your Block!!


Dixxx said...
Is that supposed to be a Donald Trump doll Mike is holding on the book cover? If so where can I get one?


Interesting that you should ask that question Dixxx. I guess you noticed the family resemblance because that is in fact the Ivanka, modeled after Trump's daughter. A "Donald" version (prototype pictured here with lifelike wig and matching pubis) is only days away from hitting the assembly line in Sri Lanka. I should warn you that child labor is involved but Mr. Trump insists that only such small and delicate fingers can assure the quality hair weaving needed for a lifelike love doll. The Blob is acting as middle man so I'll put your name on the reservation list. In just a few weeks you'll once again be the envy of pathetic, lonely, closeted, men everywhere!!

Some Women Scorned



The modern woman, or "neo woman" works first and foremost for herself......we're women and you can't live without us!"- Felicity Muffet



For those of you who haven't checked the comment section let me debrief you (said the vicar to the altar boy). A male contributor pined for the good ol' days when women were subservient and compliant sexual partners and men could focus solely on their own pleasure. This prompted several letters of protest and these women, true to their 21st century nature (red, in tooth and claw) fought back with noticeable ferocity.

Since the dawn of time men have been trying in vain to win the battle of the sexes. Indeed it can be reasonably argued that the great monotheistic religions in their original orthodox manifestations have "keeping women in their place" as one of their main raisons d'etre.

In it's essence this is a classic supply and demand situation much like today's oil crisis. The Arab states have us over a proverbial barrel because of our dependence on them for our fuel needs.

Men need vaginas and women have them...it's as simple as that. Sure there are prostitutes but they can be a health risk not to mention the expense. Men by and large aren't that bright and fool themselves into believing that sex with a woman in a relationship is free. This of course is a laughable delusion that we are prepared to overlook every time some gland shoots a miniscule drop of "I'm horny" hormone into our bloodstream. For all the talk of "the weaker sex" vagina power can bring down empires and cause powerful dictators to whimper and beg like babies.

Despite Felicity Muffet's jackboot approach to sexual politics I like to think that it's best to leave antagonism out of the bedroom. Yin and Yang or balance is the obvious solution. Over the course of a few liaisons the giving and taking should just about even out or there will be trouble ahead. (I guess that goes for housework too) This trouble can take so many forms that I won't bother to bore you with the list but John Wayne Bobbit would have done well to heed my advice.
In lieu of balance I've found that living 4,000 kilometres away from my dearly beloved creates an over-riding sense of longing where indiscretions are more easily overlooked (hers anyways).
.....Did I just sat thay??!!?? (damn, am I in trouble!!) Honey I was just joking I swear!!!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

God Loves Scrabble

Fred Phelps said...
Dear Blob,

It has been my life's ambition to become a grand master Scrabble player. Outside of playing lots of Scrabble; is there any technique or mind focusing gimmick that might help me?

Fred Phelps is a Kansas City preacher who made famous the phrase "God hates fags" http://www.godhatesfags.com/main/index.html and routinely stages protests where he and his small band of followers spew biblically based hatred. Nevertheless he did write to The Blob and it's my sworn duty to reply. As much as I know about dating advice this question is really in my wheelhouse!! I've been an avid scrabble player for decades and met my GF playing the game on line (or so the legend goes).

There a reams and reams of guidance available on-line Reverend, such as this site: http://scrabbleclub.com/resources/tools.htm I won't bother you with strategy talk as it's all just a mouse click away. What I can do is relate what for lack of a better term is the more "spiritual" side of the game. Just as God has talked to you about the dangers of homosexuality (the feces fornicators and semen eaters that you so delicately describe) through the good book so too will the lettered scrabble tiles begin to talk to you after enough thoughtful playing experience.

I remember when this happened to me...I'd been playing the game for years but had never really given the true meaning of the letters a 2nd thought then one day a revelation!! The letters had intrinsic value beyond their points and this could change according to their availability during the course of a game. Consonants that blended with each other, tiles that I'd need in order to place other, more difficult ones that still hadn't been picked, suffixes or prefixes that I'd hang on to thereby improving my odds of playing a bingo (the treasured 7 letter word!) . Almost overnight my rating improved miraculously. Of course unlike believing in God it helps to have a bit of smarts. Blind faith alone will not allow you to hear the letters once they begin to speak. Open yourself up to the strategic possibilities of the alphabet and a whole new heavenly, bingo-filled realm awaits!! I must warn you though....their are many fags who play scrabble and "The Official Scrabble Dictionary" is a veritable gay phrasebook with word like anal, couture, fabulous, lube, and sconce. Good luck and may God bless.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Montreal vs.Toronto


TSO could use some of Montreal orchestra's razzle dazzle
John Teraud
While our orchestra is clearly superior, the MSO – with its hype and light shows – simply has more pizzazz

The public square glowed blue and pink as moving images several storeys high blazed from the sides of buildings. Some 6,000 people sat, stood and reclined in the outdoor space under a clear night sky.

This felt like a very special occasion. But instead of an appearance by, say, Amy Winehouse or Timbaland, the fuss on Sept. 4 was for the Montreal Symphony Orchestra's season-opening concert.

The 3,400-seat Salle Wilfrid-Pelletier at Place des Arts was sold-out. The public plaza outside its doors contained an extra stage holding an orchestra picked from Montreal university and conservatory ensembles.

Pianist Alain Lefèvre, a local boy with a sparkling international career, arrived to play Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue with them.

Conductor Kent Nagano and Lefèvre were cheered like pop stars.

The crowd in the square watched Nagano run inside for his concert with the Montreal Symphony Orchestra. The concert was projected on a series of outdoor screens and the sides of several buildings in the Place des Arts complex.

Radio-Canada broadcast everything live on its radio and television and Internet networks so that an estimated 300,000 people could be there that night.

The buzz was palpable.

On Wednesday, the Toronto Symphony Orchestra will launch its new season with the first of two performances of two blockbuster pieces: Carl Orff's Carmina Burana and Maurice Ravel's Bolero, led by music director Peter Oundjian.

There will be no coloured lights or projections outside Roy Thomson Hall. CBC Radio will record the concert, for future broadcast. But no one passing by on King St. will have any idea that something special is going on nearby.

There is every reason to believe this concert will be excellent. It's too bad we have to hide our classical-music light under a bushel – a.k.a. Roy Thomson Hall.

I would like to argue that the TSO today provides a better musical experience than the MSO. Yet the Montreal organization manages to create a flurry of anticipation that our local people can't yet muster.

The MSO presents 70 concerts a year on a budget of $20 million. The TSO offers 107 concerts for $22 million.

The 44-year-old Salle Wilfrid-Pelletier has dismal acoustics. I sat in the sixth row of the first balcony and the concert sounded like it was being played in another room.

A new venue is coming, but has not even been designed yet.

Roy Thomson Hall, a quarter-century old, is hardly perfect. It holds about 600 people less than its Montreal counterpart and its circular layout places most people closer to the stage. It's not intimate, but does help create a nice rapport between orchestra and listeners.

The TSO recently went through rough years, skirting bankruptcy, getting embroiled in serious personnel problems and losing music director Jukka-Pekka Saraste.

At the same time, the MSO has weathered two players' strikes and the loss of maestro Charles Dutoit.

The TSO's new public face is a charming, intellectually lively Toronto-born musician with an excellent pedigree in chamber music.

Listen carefully, and most of Oundjian's work reveals meticulous artistry.

Ticket sales have risen accordingly. There now are many sold-out concerts – including both performances of Carmina Burana.

The Quebecers turned to California native Kent Nagano, now in his second season in Montreal. He, like Oundjian, is in his early 50s. But any similarities end there.

The MSO's opener, for all its flash, included serious music: Richard Strauss's famous tone poem Also Sprach Zarathustra as well as arias and songs by Mozart gorgeously sung by (a very pregnant) contralto Marie-Nicole Lemieux.

The orchestra was ragged in the Strauss and everything after the big chords made famous in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey was muddy and lacked momentum.

The reduced orchestra in the Mozart sounded stolid, in odd opposition to Lemieux's honeyed vocals.

This was not the best work of a famous ensemble, yet the Montreal public gave the evening a prolonged, boisterous ovation.

The best part of the night was what happened outside. So much so that several hundred people chose to leave the hall at intermission to catch the conclusion in the square – including a hologram of Nagano conducting the youth in synch with the players inside.

In an interview the next day, Nagano was deliberate. He answered questions slowly, thoughtfully. As in his music-making, this maestro does not wear his art lightly.

Asked if he would like to see more multimedia concerts, Nagano seemed to say no: "It's not to say that the multimedia experience is the same as the special sensitivities that are generated by a live audience," he said. The acoustics and stage and rapport between audience and performers "simply can't be reproduced artificially. That's something that is closely related to the human spirit, and there is no duplication of the human spirit."

Asked over the phone what he would think of a flashier opening, Oundjian sounded enthusiastic.

Over the last five years, the TSO "has been slowly proving itself, its artistic level and making the product as good as it can be," said Oundjian. Adding new media and more public performances "will naturally evolve," now that deficits are out and a can-do spirit is in.

In Montreal, organizers know that making something look like a major event makes it a major event.

Or we could quote Oscar Wilde: "Nothing exceeds like excess."

In Toronto, our orchestra sounds the part. Now what we need is the pizzazz to make its concerts the grand events they deserve to be.

in response a somewhat bitter and possibly tipsy Maria Callous said...
Fuck toronto.


Thanks TOMave for directing me to the article and thanks Maria for your concisely formed opinion.
Canada is like your big, friendly cousin who is really good at painting and loves camping but has a touch of Asperger's Syndrome (a mild form of autism).
We come by our national insecurity naturally what with our close relative to the south flaunting his lifestyle and generally overshadowing us and hogging the limelight. Then there's Quebec, the proverbial island of French in a sea of English and within Quebec is Montreal (a crumbling,litter plagued, once great city). Three layers of insecurity and low self-esteem that compound exponentially.
Don't get me wrong...I love Montreal but the often knee-jerk hatred of Toronto has more to do with our own self-aggrandizement than any empirical reality. Montreal has the joie de vivre no doubt, a vibrant nightlife and colorful history. Most of us needn't travel 1 and a half hours to get to work and day to day, we enjoy a more leisurely pace. Nevertheless Toronto has 3 or 4 major sports teams to our 1, better museums and public attractions, better infrastructure, has usurped our title of "Canada's business centre" and is still just as safe a place to live if you stay away from the bad half of the city that is controlled by ethnic street gangs.
I know little about the Toronto symphony but I know they're good. So is the Montreal Symphony. It's safe to say that both are composed of around 90% excellent musicians (and 10% good to very good ones) but it's hard to believe that the TSO can match our own beloved orchestra when it comes to organizational incompetence, neurotic musicians, soap-opera like intrigue and vicious political machinations (trust me on this one). What seemed like almost a century of dictatorial rule by Charles Dutoit has left a poisonous atmosphere that, on a hot day, can still actually be smelled in the basement of Place des Arts. After he left there were several directorless years that turned a once amazing orchestra into an unruly crew on a rudderless ship. Now with their new director they will soon return to, if not surpass, their former glory.
The TSO doesn't need light shows and razzle dazzle although it couldn't hurt. What they really need is what the OSM already has....25 or so years of international touring and recording success led by a well known conductor/asshole with a gift for marketing who knows how to whip a terrified group of musicians into fighting shape as he builds his own career on their weary backs, lips, and arms.
While it may be fun and reassuring to bash Toronto we should take a page out of Calgary's playbook and work to make our city a better place while thoroughly ignoring everyone else.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Ask Uncle Blob

Maria Callous asks:

A good friend of mine told me that since he's sworn off dating, the dates have been flocking to him. Now, do you think that this is a natural law of the universe or is it simply that when we give up on dating that we emit some kind of weird vibes or odours (like pheremones, you know???) that make us more enticing?

Dear Maria,

Excellent question and the topic is right in my wheelhouse, to use an old baseball phrase. Wheelhouse means the place a ball is thrown where the batter is most likely to be able to hit it with power and its origins are postulated thusly courtesy of word-detective.com:

(On the other hand, it does seem more likely that the locomotive turntable "wheelhouse" (often called a "roundhouse") is the source, likening the awesome swing of the rail yard turntable to the batter's powerful swing. An additional argument for this theory is that sweeping side-arm pitches have been known as "roundhouse" pitches since about 1910, and, of course, the "roundhouse punch" is delivered with the same sort of motion. Thus, by 1959, this sort of "wheelhouse" had already been used as a metaphor for powerful motion for more than fifty years.)

Now, back to your question. I don't know who your friend is but I know a thing or two about trying too hard. Think about overswinging at a baseball for instance....you may knock one out of the park if you connect but more often than not you'll strike out and probably corkscrew yourself into the ground trying. Once the word spreads around that you'll swing at anything you'll not be likely to see anything in your wheelhouse for quite some time.

Your friend's new laid back approach is working not because of some new odour that is suddenly emanating from his body but precisely because he no longer seems like such a needy loser. Smell has nothing to do with it....a pitcher who is stinking up the joint will be quickly yanked by his manager.

We need look no further than the famous musical West Side Story for an apt summation:

"go man go but not like some yo-yo fool boy. Just keep it cool boy....real cool."

Once your friend does score a date this philosophy will stand him in good stead. The video clip I've included in this post demonstrates in classic fashion the pitfalls of trying too hard to impress your date. Watch and learn.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Blob Exclusive: We're Winning the War on Terror!!

As another 9-11 anniversary approaches people all over the world are taking stock. Where are we today almost 6 years after that fateful day? One of those people is Osama Bin Laden who got the ball rolling and now keeps up the rhetoric with carefully crafted videos. His latest release (#5 with a bullet on Billboard's "Terror Trackz" top 40) indicates that he is either wearing a fake black beard or has operatives with ties to the underground Grecian Formula smuggling market. I think he is presently clean shaven to better blend in with the sorrounding populace and wore the beard just for the video. Still.....hasn't he heard of production values, continuity, etc? How hard is it to get those trademark grey streaks even without going to the hairdresser (Clairol "Just for Beards" is a blatant symbol of American capitalist imperialism and was out of the question). Next time you put your face to film Osama, you'd best heed the words of humorist Ogden Nash (and I paraphrase): "A little talcum would be walcum". Even the most seasoned CIA analyst wouldn't know for sure!

So...where do we stand. Critics of President Bush aren't as smug as they were only a few months ago. The war is a success!! No terrorist attacks on N. American soil since 9-11 and thousands of Arabs killed (and more Americans than were actually murdered at the World Trade Center...but who's counting). There's a reason Bin Laden's latest video didn't warn of future attacks, he's running out of skilled fighters. I searched through many Jihadist websites looking for the trademark training camp video clips and could find only this http://www.break.com/index/arab_treadmill_prank.html which leads me to believe that the insurgency is indeed in it's death throes as famously noted in May 2005 by V.P. Dick Cheney.
The Republican regime appears to have won its bet with destiny and could use a good rest. Let's hope that next November fair minded Americans see fit to let them get the time off they deserve.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Otherworldly Voices


The great tenor's passing got me thinking about the human voice in all its manifestations. A few years back I was introduced (by regular contributor Dixxx) to the amazing scat stylings of William "Shooby" Taylor. By our usual standards it's terrible singing and equally bad improvisation yet his uninhibitedly joyous performance makes for compelling listening (albeit in small doses). I believe Blobophiles will enjoy the clip but as the following link shows, not everyone appreciated Shooby back when he was alive. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MutYIgL4Gbk&mode=related&search= Being booed off the stage in what should have been a friendly venue would have deterred most people but Shooby kept right on singing until a stroke ended his career in 1994.
The human voice connects to us emotionally the way no other instrument can (save the euphonium which many believe is the closest we've come to imitating the voice of God). While it can be argued that Pavarotti was the greatest voice of our generation there are still many who'd prefer the gutteral howl of a Tom Waits or the whiny innocence of a Neil Young. It often comes down to context....the voice must suit the material and then everything falls into place. Crossing over into other genres is a common practice for many vocalists and while it may be a good way of making more money it's often an artistic disaster. Pavarotti singing Schubert's Ave Maria works, Michael Bolton singing the same song....in the words of Jon Stewart; "not so much".
There's still no accounting for taste. Listen to this rarity, the great Shirley Bassey (of all people) singing Gounod's beautiful Ave Maria (of all song choices) in fabulous Jamaica (of all places). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5jXLtQbgog
I'll bet some of you like it and some don't while others will abhor it and even hate me for posting it. I'll await your judgement.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Pavarotti: He Brought Opera to the Masses and Mass to the Opera



Luciano Pavarotti is no more. Arguably one of the greatest tenors of all time the hefty superstar lost his battle with pancreatic cancer late yesterday.
Heralded as The King of the High C's his legendary excesses led some to speculate that C came to stand for cholesterol level and caloric intake.
As he gained more and more weight in his later years health became a primary concern. As recently as last spring a bad back forced him to cancel a world tour that would have brought him to Montreal where I was engaged to be part of the orchestra and would have made at least a thousand bucks. If only he'd gone a little easier on the prosciutto.
By the end doctors report that Pavarotti had gotten so huge as to exert a noticeable gravitational effect on miniscule dust particles that would actually fall into orbit around his body if he were to stay in one place for any length of time.
All fat jokes aside, in his prime he could blow an audience away or move them to tears and he will continue doing just that....take a look at the video clip.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Hormones: God DOES Have a Sense of Irony!!

Men and women have a lot in common but when it comes to hormonally affected behavioural patterns there's a world of difference. When men are feeling down they tend to isolate themselves thereby shutting out the world until they either feel better or murder their entire family before commiting suicide. Outside stressors by and large call the shots for men whereas women cope far better with external stimuli but are defenseless when it comes to their own hormonal surges. The irritability, bloating, and despondency are a heavy burden to bear but women have learnt to share the pain with their loved ones.

For eons well meaning men have been baffled by the irrational moodiness and have come up with all sorts of ineffective coping strategies: Disengagement, appeasment (or the "Yes dear" approach), futile aggression, pre-emptive ice cream etc. but nothing seems to work.

In rare and fortunate circumstances different types of therapy may help. Take the case of the recently departed "Bitch of Broadway" Leona Helmsley, who left 12 million to her dog while cutting her grandchildren out of the will. Very late in life she was diagnosed with a severe case of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder). While this is sometimes referred to as the winter blues, Leona's case was so severe that no amount of summer sunshine seemed to make a difference. It was only when she began intensive light therapy treatments that people could stand to be around her and she stopped beating her servants.



Again, a case like this is the exception rather than the rule so where does that leave the rest of us? Life is hard enough so here at The Blob I'm always on the lookout for products or services that will make things just that much easier. Wouldn't you know it...scientists at Caprice Industries Ltd. may be on to something. They've provided some literature:


Remember the 70's and the mood ring fad? Small plastic rings with an embedded liquid that would change color based on how you were feeling. They soon went out of style when the liquid was found to be a lead based, radioctive, carcinogen, a detail that had been overlooked by the Chinese sub-contractors.
Here at Caprice Industries Ltd. we've taken that basic technology, removed the toxins, and infused these heat sensitive chemicals into a thermo-plastic resin. While still molten this resin is then molded into a suspendable seat (suspension allows a free flow of air) which is sensitive to even the smallest temperature fluctuations of a woman's pelvi-genito complex before the actual hormonally induced effects have a chance to take hold. For the man of the house this allows for an extra few minutes while evasive action is still possible, the woman can simply lock herself in the bedroom with a good book and a dish of ibuprofen! This color coded warning system is similar to the Terrorist Threat Key used by the U.S. government. The color coding is illustrated in the picture: Red means all clear and after that you decide what course of action is best!!! For more information please contact us at capriceindustriesltd.com



Monday, September 03, 2007

A Friend In Need

Larry Craig, the ill-fated US senator from Idaho has his own Facebook page. My research team actually came up with that tidbit and I reached out and befriended him in his hour of need. (It was the Jewish thing to do) He's gone into seclusion and during this period of reflection perhaps it would be nice if Blob contributors could follow my lead and contact him through Facebook as well. I let him know that I'd act as a sort of clearing house so he wouldn't be deluged with all sorts of miscreants and bumpkins therefore if you're at all interested in hooking up and helping out with Sen. Craig please contact me first.

I'm probably the 1st kind and understanding voice that he's heard in days and he was more than glad to talk candidly. As far as I can tell the whole ordeal seems like some kind of wacky misunderstanding. The senator insists that he's not gay (would you call a guy who has one or two drinks a week an alcoholic???) and stands by his "pro-family" voting record. When I asked him about plans for the future he told me that he'll be appearing in a movie already in the works that's a remake of an old Gus Van Sant classic with an added bio-pic angle. "I experimented with musical theater during my college days" chuckled the chastened conservative "so this is right up my alley!"
Here's a sneak peek:

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Western Ways

Don't get me wrong...I love Quebec but my recent trip to Alberta taught me that we may have a thing or two to learn from our cousins to the West. Sure they have the spectacular scenery, the crisp mountain air, the Saskatoon berry, and a minimum wage that's up around 15 dollars an hour but what really impressed me was their corn and in particular the corn from Taber. This unassuming community is the corn capital of Canada. Growing conditions are excellent: hot days, cool nights, loamy soil and the highest amount of yearly sunlight in the nation.

Of course it's harvest time and all over Quebec the markets abound with our own corn. I've been enjoying the local variety but until you've tasted the Taber version you haven't really tasted corn (or lived for that matter). The latest generation is fuller and more succulent but remains firm and toothsome when properly cooked. The richly hued niblets are uniform and the size of pencil erasers.

As someone who grew up with boiled corn the Western cooking method was also a revelation. Silk removed, husks left on and then grilled or microwaved the end product was nothing short of astonishing. I googled taber corn and sure enough, at the top of the list was this link; http://www.jensenstabercorn.com/ . I emailed them and they sent back their latest ad which is a throwback to the old "Doublemint" ads and features the so-called Jensen Twins as spokesmodels. The next time you're out West make sure to enjoy some delicious, nutritious, Taber brand corn!!

Saturday, September 01, 2007

The Sunken Cathedral



Crumbling municipal infrastructure has long been a concern but a recent bridge collapse in Minnesota has brought the issue to the front pages. While several people perished south of the border the true capital of civic decay is Montreal.

Chunks of overpass kill unwary motorists, 9 bridges are closed to truck traffic, tens of thousands of crater-like potholes make our roadways resemble those of Kabul and an impending massive, downtown sinkhole recently shut down the subway and many businesses. Oh yeah....there's also the Olympic Stadium, a cavernous, cretinous, mausoleum that, while not part of our infrastructure, does shed chunks of concrete and stands as a monument to all that is wrong with the standards and practices of our construction industry.

At the epicentre of the mid-city trouble is Christ Church Cathedral, a marvelous edifice (Sometimes home to the soon-to-be-world-famous Griffon Brass Band) and oasis amidst the hustle and bustle. Some years ago it was propped up on stilts while land was excavated from beneath it to make way for a huge mall, part of Montreal's Underground city. Today it perches perilously as we wait to see if engineers can prevent it from actually becoming part of the subterranean scenery. While I firmly believe that the underworld could use a little more old time religion and a lot more brass band music this may not be the best way of going about it.

Speaking of underworld, Montreal has an illustrious history of handing out building contracts to the lowest bidder who usually happens to be a city councillor's cousin who has affiliations with guys named Cotroni or Rizzuto.(google them) Is the fondness for structures using massive amounts of cement just a coincidence?? (and might I add at this juncture that I in no way wish to cast aspersions upon the Italians who are a beautiful and vibrant people)

What we end up with are shoddily built roadways made of materials of questionable quality by guys who by and large don't know their butt crack from a bucket of tar. (see photo)
We are one of the highest taxed groups of people in North America but what really makes us distinct is our veal-like passivity in the face of corrupt and inept authority. Vive la difference!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Maybe Barry Bonds isn't so Bad After All


"We all make mistakes," said Michael Vick "Dogfighting is a terrible thing and I reject it ... I found Jesus and turned my life over to God. I think that's the right thing to do as of right now."
I only hope for his sake that God is there when some dog loving prisoners come up with the appropriate ironic punishment for the star QB.
And so, another role model bites the dust. Gone are the days when athletes, actors, pageant winners and other fixtures of pop culture could actually serve as positive role models for our children. Even our lawmakers seem to be getting more loathsomely pathetic every day. Take the latest American hypocrite, Idaho repulican senator Larry Craig. He plead guilty to lewd conduct charges resulting from a sting operation in the Minneapolis airport after he propositioned an undercover cop in an adjoining stall by repeatedly tapping his foot and rubbing his hand along the bottom of the stall divider, apparently common sign language among the anonymous gay bathroom sex crowd. Of course sen. Craig has voted against pro-gay bills and is a staunch conservative. He is now backtracking and should be finding Jesus any minute now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhiP1h8pMZc&NR=1
If you haven't seen the Miss Carolina video yet take a look at this. (warning: this is a bit painful) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiJBKmOWphs They should stop pretending that pageants care about the intelligence of the contestants: nice face, nice tits, nice ass you win!!! period. Let others concern themselves with the state of education, our beauty pageant contestants are way too busy building their hair, vaselining their teeth and taping their bathing suits.
Where will the next role models come from? Who can meet the demanding job requirements? A musician, devoted family man, baker, or an avid blogger?...maybe all of the above. I'm going to watch the Daily Show now. I think I just beat them to the Larry Craig story by 5 minutes.... phew!!!

Photoshop Phun #17


Formal or casual? This young lady is ready for anything thanks to a simple photoshop juxtaposition. Who'd have thought back in highschool that one day I'd be the one "turning heads"!