The Palin Truth

This particular presidential campaign is historic in many respects and whether maddening, surrealistic, or inspiring it's been a fascinating ride. A good scriptwriter could have come up with an Obama/McCain type scenario and in fact one did during the West Wing's final season where Jimmy Smits played the young , Democrat, candidate of color to Alan Alda's greying, veteran Republican senator and this before Barrack Obama was on anyone's radar. (note to self: possible porn version...The Wet Swing)

Any scribe who tried to insert a Sarah Palin type character into the mix would have been laughed out of the room and yet there she is every day on the news giving her ill wrought opinion and charming throngs of people who genuinely seem to find her inspiring.

There's something important there that has escaped me until just a couple of days ago. Palin and her ilk represent a large, dangerous portion of American society, particularly American I think, in that they are the "stupid driven". Believing in the primacy of the US is one thing, it's a great country and a world leader in many areas, but believing so at the expense of developing an informed world view is more than troublesome. The worst case scenario is an ambitious, not too bright person who combines an unquestioning patriotism with orthodox, mainstream, religious beliefs. It 's the double whammy of self-righteousness and is on display in the following scary video starring Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann (republican, graduate of Oral Roberts U.), a rising star who's facist rant makes Palin look like a friggin' leftist, Rhodes scholar!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mJiF3p0kFw

Her reasoning is so convoluted and flawed, her faith in her convictions so unalterable, that one can readily see how she won a seat in congress by appealing to that vast voting constituency; the even more stupid and somewhat less driven. Here's a nice rebuttal though which saves me the time and effort...many thanks to Gollum look-alike, James Carville: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rj2dMb6fecY&feature=related

And in closing how about giving the last word to Bill Maher:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6khOeOGcxSA

Oh yeah.... as an American citizen I'm registered to vote in Bloomington, Indiana (I voted there as a master's student in 1984, Go Mondale!!). I made the proper inquiries about absentee balloting but never followed up (you know how it is with the TV and the internet...it's a wonder I even clothe and feed myself some days) and as such will not be voting in that important swing state. I suppose I should have known better after what happened in the 2000 US election and this important video details the worst case scenario. Please watch: http://www.cnnbcvideo.com/index.html?nid=AkAcpOQJCocSOn1pj.gvwDQ3MzUzNTI-&referred_by=11806231-5rvpwux

PLASMA

Ed. Note: The word plasma has nothing to do with the following post and everything to do with an offer by Mr. Troy Huber to pay $80 US for its inclusion in the title box. If anyone else out there wants to see their favorite word or words proudly displayed on the masthead a similar deal can be arranged.

"Where the hell have you been ??" you may rightly ask, after all, its been close to a month with no posts and this at a time when the world is spinning out of control and great social and political upheaval is the order of the day. Why did I not weigh in when the Chinese, not happy with using melamine to kill cats and dogs decided to put it in milk and other dairy products? I had to give up my favorite snack; Tsing Pao Bear Pancreas Cracker with 3 Cheese Flavour yet remained uncharacteristically silent.

The short answer is that I was taking my cues from John McCain. "What the f%*k!!" you may well exclaim but here.... let me explain.

When the US economy began its meltdown which led to a global financial crisis Senator McCain did the noble thing and suspended his run for the Whitehouse in mid-campaign until he helped find a solution.

How could I in good conscience keep writing my pithy crap while there was serious work to be done? I made a tough decision and suspended publication of The Blob while I took time out to work out my own answer to the problem. It was the right thing to do and despite the gentle coaxing and some light cajoling by my readers I took the time necessary in order to fulfill the task I had set for myself. I believe I've succeeded!




The Blob Economic Model: Towards a New Beginning

The Problem


Let's first take a look at the problem in a nutshell: The American dream holds that through grit and hard work you can rise up to a higher class than the one you were unfortunate enough to be born into....you can pursue happiness and, with a bit of determination, catch it! Unfortunately
there are millions of hardworking, not very well educated Americans working full time for poverty level wages that were led to believe that they could be homeowners and were given mortgages with no money down and no way of paying for them.

The greedy bankers were not regulated and soon they were selling these worthless mortgages to financial institutions all around the world (something called fiscal derivatives...don't ask, although Phiscal DeRivative works very nicely as a name...I see him in a smoking jacket...but I digress)

Anyways, no one has had the nerve to tell Americans, the world's most prolific consumers and credit pigs, that they were living beyond their means and now the shit has hit the fan.

Financial guru Alan Greenspan only yesterday issued his mea culpa thereby placating many of the pundits and analysts who finally have a bona fide Jew to pin the whole thing on but what has been done to fix the mess?

As best as I can tell they've borrowed from Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe and have begun printing up money and giving it away to prop up the economy. Something tells me this may not work.

Almost a year ago (oct 31, 2007 archives) in what many are calling a stunning act of prescience I published The Blob Theory of Napkin-based Fiscal Responsibility. Please go back and take a look.

I still contend that if we'd all practiced this policy there'd be no mess today but a mess we have, so how to clean it up?


The Answer

The recession is here and since it was greedy/stupid Americans that started it. it only makes sense that they should be the ones to put us in the clear. What is needed is an economic driver so irresistable, so powerful, that the world's banks will stop holding on to their money and begin spending and investing once again.

This driver should be something Americans already do and do well or better than anyone else, it should constitute a basic human need, it should have a proven track record and involve a renewable resource that can be mass produced at little cost but reap great profit. I'm talking of course about porn. It's time to ramp up the sex flick industry and get all Americans on board with a spirit of national unity not seen since the war effort of the 40's or Farm Aid.

From small cottage industry shorts to major studio productions with "A list" actors and actresses, the films that power the internet would now power the global economy as never before. Imagine an Angelina Jolie facial or a gang bang scene in Ocean's 12"!!.....Daniel Craig in "Quantum of Fuck" etc. Are you trying to tell me that there wouldn't be huge theater lineups, ticket riots etc?? Money would be changing hands faster than pancakes and the films would cost almost nothing to make. No CGI effects, no expensive locations, pure profit.

There is a risk that all the extra sex will cause a population explosion at a time when we can ill afford one but worry not. All indicators point to an Obama presidency and if he has his way with supreme court appointments then baby killing will be entrenched in the constitution once and for all (at least according to most right wing radio hosts).

At press time the plan is still in its formative stages and I still need to work out a few kinks (note to self: leave kinks in...niche market considerations).

It's great to be back!!

It's The Stupid Economy

In 1992 then Clinton advisor James Carville coined the mantra "It's the economy, stupid!" and it was that focus that helped lead to a democratic victory. Now 8 years of the Bush regime is leaving behind such a monumental mess that no catchphrase can hope to narrow the issues down to a singularity.



I have to hand it to both McCain and Obama though...wanting to preside over this is either a sign of great patriotism and leadership or deluded, masochistic, madness.



As always I like to look for the silver lining. It now appears that I, a musician with grade 10 math and no backround in economics could have done just a good a job at running the major US financial institutions as the now disgraced CEOs and their henchmen and from the looks of things I have more than what it takes to be vice president of the world's most powerful nation. Those are couple of pretty nifty feathers in my cap if I say so myself!!

Most of us are dazed by the continuing stream of bad financial news. I wouldn't know a derivative from a T Bill (but I could learn if the money was right!!) so here are a couple of educational clips: http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-colbert-report/full-episodes/#clip93989

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94928783 (click on "Listen now" for the story...warning: not funny but with moments of brilliance)



More troubling still is Sarah Palin and her visit to New York. It was a whirlwind trip with a visit to the UN (including a reporter free meet 'n' greet with several world leaders and a 40 minute interview with Katie Couric on CBS news).


Only a week earlier she sat down at ABC and blanked on the meaning of the term "The Bush Doctrine". I believe that the definition is "government by the doggedly dumb" or a stupocracy and if anything, the Couric stint proves that Palin lives by this philosophy in a way that neo-cons could have hardly dreamed of back when she was just a minor governor/former small town mayor/beauty queen/high school mean girl.
Check out the interview here: (warning: this is extremely painful and may cause gagging)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP12aNzocSc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WkCZV83Cp8&feature=related

Remember that this woman, if elected, will be only a wayward blood clot or a piece of bad chicken (very bad chicken) away from being president. A bold but shortsighted gamble by McCain has failed...watch for Palin to drop out, ostensibly to devote more time to her family.
If they do win watch for tens of thousands of Americans to stream north of the border to escape the stupidity. I for one will welcome these "daft dodgers" with open arms.

A Dog's Life

My elderly neighbor Lily sent this along and it's so beautiful that I had to reprint it. Lily, pictured here with her dog Garner, is recovering from a hand injury she got while greasing a bundt pan. Garner is always at her side.....






The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are Shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"


The Six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."


Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.


Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:


When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.
Take naps
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.


ENJOY EVERY MOMENT





Hi....Nan here again and wasn't that beautiful. I cry every time I read it and look who's home!! PAM!! What's the matter honey??...you look a little glum.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Nan Wilkinson has stopped writing mid-post. Apparently the news is not good and unconfirmed reports assert that 16 yr. old daughter Pam is 4 months pregnant. As luck would have it Blob is leaving rehab after completing only 7 of the 12 steps and is prepared to wade back in, so without further ado:





Wow...it's great to be back but frankly, it's great to be anywhwere other than that Godforsaken rehab centre (BTW thanks to all the staff and especially nurse Gretchen for helping me get back on my feet). I'm deeply sorry about this whole Nan Wilkinson business but certain people who shall remain nameless made decisions without asking me first and they have been justifiably let go. So here I am once again and not a moment too soon!!
That dog post almost made me gag.....not that dogs aren't great, loyal, and loving creatures but the internet has way too much of that maudlin tripe flying around. Here are a few of my internet style Dog Rules for a Better Life:

• If you can reach your balls with your own mouth, go for it!!
• Being rubbed the wrong way is a perfectly good reason to maul a 2 year old.
• By all means...eat feces!
• Take time to stop and smell people's vaginas.
• It's OK if you don't understand anything.
• Just because you're tied to a tree doesn't mean you can't chase birds.
• If they put you in booties and a sweater don't bother marking your territory...you won't fool anybody.

I'll be back soon to tie up a couple of loose ends that Nan left and then hopefully things will be back to normal

Good Clean Fun

It's been a long weekend and frankly I'm exhausted from all the disclosing and explaining with regards to my family. I've taken a few minutes to look at The Blob archives and it seems like fun is right up there on the priority list even though there's alot I don't get and a certain amount of off-colored material that I simply hate. Nevertheless I can have fun too and with that in mind I'll tell you about our last vacation.
Jim and I went to the Atlantic City of Germany...Baden Baden, and had a wonderful time!! We saw among other things, Max Raabe and his fabulous orchestra that simply made me swoon. This is great music from the early 40's, the golden age of the German dance hall. Those must've been such wonderful and carefree days to be in Germany.
I also noticed that on The Blob there is a lot of information about the trombone, an instrument that frankly I had never paid much mind to. A while back on America's Got Talent I was amazed and amused by this young man http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=T9G3TPGGomI&feature=related who surely must be the best trombonist around judging by the audience reponse and the panel's reaction! Please notice as well the great botox job on David Haselhoff's (we saw his show in Germany too) upper lip. That man is a dream and a half with talent to spare!!!!
Well...enough fun for one night. I'll be waiting up for Pam who said she's out for a soda pop with her friend Sally (awfully late for a school night if you ask me) and in a few hours I'll be trying to wake Stephan again. Night all.

About the Boy

It seems there's been a general clamor for information about me from some of The Blob's regular readers. Granted, in my circle of friends I'm known as "the interesting one", but all this attention has got me a tad flustered.

The internet seems to attract the strangest people but I'll have none of it. Still though, that Sarah Palin is so inspiring and if she can come forth will all sorts of info about her family, the joys and sorrows, triumphs and setbacks, then so can little old I.

This brings me to my son Stephan. At fourteen he was an eager highschool freshman, husky and robust with a huge appetite for life and my famous sheperd's pie. He was a starting linebacker for the Saints and had a solid B average. Then came the hip pointer that never really healed. By 10th grade he had to give up football completely and now as a senior...well, things aren't going so well. He kind of got involved with some iffy kids. You know the type, rock music, permissive parents, video games etc. Now we barely ever see him, he comes home from school and holes himself up in his room, doesn't eat, rarely talks to us and when he does insists that we call him "Hunter" of all things!! Jim has taken the belt to him on more than one occasion but even that doesn't do any good. Our pastor says it's just a phase and has had Stephan over to his house for counselling...still no sign of improvement. If any of you out there have had similar experiences and can offer a mother some help it would be most appreciated. Frankly I'm at my wits end.

Jim even got him the manager job on the football team but Stephan would have none of it so in my desperation I let him do some scrapbooking. It's always helpful to me when I'm blue so I encouraged Steph to do a self portrait. I present it to you without comment but with a heavy heart. I get my strength these days from Governor Palin and the Lord. In my book that's a winning combination if ever there was one!!!

Wonderful Woman - Terrible Man

Before I get to the meat and potatoes of this post I'd just like to thank you all for bearing with me during this hectic "back to school" week. As busy as I've been though I've still managed to set aside some time for scrapbooking. It's an important activity that helps me to chronicle the everyday life of the Wilkinson clan in a fun and artistic way. The local craft store; "Crafty Lady" (don't you just love the name ;o) has all sorts of kits that help me with layouts and ideas. Here's a good example dealing with Pam returning to circus school for her sophomore year.

She's such a wonderful child and as limber as all get out...don't you think?? She always turns heads at Sunday sevices with her blond hair (courtesy of Jim) and her slim waist (thanks to yours truly I guess!!) and is quite popular at school or so I'm told!!

I do go on don't I but if a Mom can't brag about her own children then I don't know what this world's come to.

The real reason I'm writing today is because of how proud I am to be a woman in America after the nomination of Sarah Palin. Now I was as ignorant about her as anyone else just a week ago but she came on like gangbusters at the Republican national convention and her tough mindedness and homespun ways are just what this country needs!

As for the terrible man I mentioned in the title let's just say that staying up past 11 was a mistake. I just happened to flip over to the Comedy network when this Jon Stewart fellow was starting his show. I've seen him in some magazines but can't say that I've ever seen him perform...what a rude and obscene man. Here is a clip of him and let me just warn you that it is vulgar in parts and for adults only. I include it to educate the public about the trash that is out there....beware!!

http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart/full-episodes/september-4-2008/

MMMMM Cold Turkey!!!

This may have to be brief....the night staff is just coming on and I managed to get into an unused office. Still there will be mentors, janitors, and nurses lurking so let's get right down to it. I'm sorry....there I said it!! I apologize for being weak, caving into temptation and leaving all my readers in the lurch and what's worse, with that Nan Wilkinson creature.

I agreed to be part of that Better Homes and Gardens contest with the honest intention of increasing my readership but then the bad luck hit. You'd think that my editors in tandem with the magazine people would have done a better job at vetting my replacement and get someone who thinks a little more like I do but noooo...they had to get get some right wing Betty Crocker type and there's more. A simple google search would have indicated her German heritage (and I have nothing against the German people except the Holocaust and David Hasselhoff). It took me 30 seconds to find out that her maiden name was Goring, changed from Goerring, and while she was not related to the infamous nazi Hermann I still find it unsettling, especially in my fragile state.

Her grandfather, a traveling vaudevillian, went by the stage name of Baron Von Guggenheimer and performed as part of a comedy duo with the famed Jewish singing cowboy "Tuck" Weiner, so named for the habit of protecting his family jewels on stage after an unfortunate incident with a can-can dancer.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to get to a computer again but rest assured that I'll post. I've been clean for a week now and can go as much as two hours without anagramming in my head. To keep us from thinking about words they show us a lot of porn and give us nachos and it seems to be working!! Maybe I'll have a little look-see at my Facebook page while I'm here...see how my friends are doing....I wonder who's doing well in Scramble since I left??

Anyways....oh shit somebody's coming...gotta g

Another Public Service Announcement

With the Blobster still in rehab recovering from a scramble/boggle word game addiction relapse perhaps this is a good time to think about the issue. Sure The Blob is all about fun and games but as in all avenues of human pursuit, here too, moderation is the key.

If you find that you can't look at a word without trying to rearrange its letters, if the notion that there is no anagram for the word "sex" turns you off of sex or if the sight or sound of letter cubes give you an erection that last more than 4 hours then perhaps it's time for you too to seek treatment. Let's take a page out of The Blob playbook and take action before it's too late!!

New Beginnings

Greetings to all. Nan here with my very first post and I couldn't be more excited and more beholden to the good people at "Better Homes and Gardens" for choosing me to replace Blob while he's in rehab. You may have noticed some slight changes to the title area....just sprucing things up a bit with the famous Wilkinson touch (more to come as I familiarize myself with the computer...thanks to my son Stephan for his patient tutoring. An extra brownie in your lunch son!!)

Where to begin? I suppose labor day is as good a place as any and the holiday weekend was quite the celebration! We had the folks (Gramps and Sylvia) over and had our traditional backyard picnic BBQ with my famous One Bean Salad (I find mixing bean types to be extravagant) and enough chicken wings to fly us all to Kansas!! Jim was on BBQ detail as usual and managed to outdo himself once again! He is so deft with a spatula and tongs...it truly is something to see and was one of the reasons I was first attracted to him at the Mt. Pleasant High homecoming rally all those years ago.

Anyways, enough about me. September is upon us and so is a new school year. Stephan will be a senior at Mt. Pleasant and will be managing the Saints...the hip pointer is still bothering him so he won't be suiting up. It's quite a shame since he so loves football but at least he'll still be involved with the team.

Pam will be starting her 2nd year of circus school and her hip pointer is all but a thing of the past!!

On a more serious note the editors at The Blob had warned about certain contributors and their vulgarity. It's always been my philosophy that this sort of behavior is best disregarded...you wouldn't throw away a whole meatloaf just because a fly landed on it now would you?? People such as Maria Callous (Pam says she must be a slut) and the very strange Bonemikester (clearly under the influence of some unsavory beverage or another, probably a simpleton easily swayed towards viceful ways...I'll pray for them both) won't stop me from using this forum to spread good cheer and good recipes. Still though I must try to maintain a semblance of the tone that Blob established to keep his readers happy so here's a little off colored joke to close things out:

Incompatability is the secret to a good marriage...as long as he has income and she is "pat"-able!!

Have a great day!!

An Important Message from the Editorial Staff

Blobele, Blobbie, Blobster....call him what you will, but today as we go to press the founder of The Blob is a sick man. We've decided on a policy of full disclosure so as Blobbie puts it "this (hits,his sit, its, tis, shit) doesn't happen to anyone else (seel, eels, eel, lee, lees, sel, ess, els,)."

Let's go back about 30 some odd years to a time when Blob would spend hours every day in close fought Boggle battles with his brother Barry. Days turned to months, school work and social skills suffered as he'd even practice alone when his brother was off becoming a doctor.

You see, Blob was a boggle word game addict and it was only a cold turkey situation brought about by 2 years away at school in the States that saved him. For more than three decades he's avoided the game and has lived a fulfilling and productive life but fast forward to the present and things have changed for the worse.

A well meaning friend and Blob contributor; Mama "the enabler" C, invited him to play a game called Scramble on Facebook. Little did he know that this was their version of Boggle. This explains the lack of posts of late as his addiction returned immediately and with an unexpected ferocity.

Earlier his morning after a family intervention he was carted off to a treatment center babbling an incoherent stream of anagrams. When he is fit to return only time will tell but fortunately our "Write A Blob Post" contest in last month's Better Homes and Gardens has found a winner and we've talked her into taking over for a while. The tone and content may be different than what blobophiles are used to but a little change never hurt anyone. Let us now present to you our contest winner from Wilmington, Delaware...Mrs. Nan Wilkinson!!

The latest from Nan is that she'll be posting as soon as the cakes are done for the bake sale (rotarians first!!) and then she has a bit of scrapbooking to finish up. We're all looking forward to it Nan!!

Medal Mayhem (screw you Togo!!,take that Uzbekistan!!!)

Little Known Blog Spurs Canadian Medal Haul

CP Aug. 18-Beijing

An obscure blogger known only as "Blob" has apparently done what no amount of goodwill and encouragement could and the Canadian olympic team is the better for it.

In a scathing post earlier this week The Blob rebuked Canadian olympians for their lackadaisical display while lauding Togo for their bronze in kayak.

"We regularly monitor the blogs" said chef de mission Sylvie Bernier "including those censored by the Chinese government....that's where we came across The Blob and quite frankly we were appalled, especially when we traced it back to Canada!"

Said Blob spokesboy Troy Huber; "Whatever...it was true what we said and now they have 9 medals. Figure it out. Can you move??? You're blocking my new 47 inch LCD....Ma-aaa!!"

Ed. note: While we in no way claim responsibility for the recent Canadian successes it does seem a bit strange that they should come hot on the heels of the last post. Coincidence or direct consequence? Figure it out.

The Blob Olympic Update - Way To Go Togo!!

As many Blob readers are already aware I possess dual citizenship and stand astride two great nations. One leg is metaphorically in the United States, the other firmly planted in rich Canadian soil, the genitalia sway gently, directly above the border.

It is therefore understandable that today I'm of two minds about recent events at the Beijing Olympiad.

While I swell with pride at the exploits of Michael Phelps et al I conversely shrink with woe at the plight of the Canadian team.

Heres a quick look at the medal count to date:

TOGO-1

CANADA-0

Togo???? Are you kidding me!!??!! A tiny sliver of a country ridden with poverty and disease, average male life expectancy; 56, population less than 6 million, principal exports:millet and typhus, and yet their countryman's bronze medal performance in the kayak event gave me more olympic-style shivers than anything that Canada has come up with to date.

What are we doing with all those sports targeted tax dollars I ask you. We'd be better served diverting some of that cash to the arts, classical music in particular and me in extra special particular!! I think most Canadians would be proud of me (and so does my Mom).

Trouble a Brewin' Out Back

Call it what you will; deja vu, flashback, sort of remembering something, but the goings on in the comment section since my departure some 2 weeks ago has me recalling similar events of last summer.

Last year, without my guidance, several habitual Blob readers started bickering amongst themselves but eventually peace was restored (this coincided with a return to more regular posting...hmmm).

Today I logged on after successfully tarping down some 180 bales of hay (Bethany Hartman's boys, Dale and Hyram, delivered it on a flat bed truck and stacked it artfully....good work guys!!). I was sorely disappointed to see two Blob mainstays, Dixxx and Mikexxster, going at it tooth and nail in the comment section with Dixxx even telling Mikexxster in Latin to, and I quote; "bite me old man!!"

The issue is a Blob slogan and each has submitted a worthy candidate for placement in the masthead. I precipitously chose Dixx's and incurred the jealous wrath (cleverly yet passively yet aggressively concealed as warm-hearted benevolence) of Mr. Mikexxster. I feel partially to blame for this mess and must find a Solomonesque solution (and fast!!!) lest the storm clouds of enmity obscure the blazing radiance of their friendship.

....and Nothing but the Spoof

After a successful transition I'm ready once again to make contact with the outside world. We'll soon be heading off to the weekly Millarville Farmer's Market with it's heavy Mennonite (Prairie Hassid) representation. If we get there early enough we may even get our hands on some world famous Mennonite green onions....you've no doubt already heard the catchy slogan; "Until you've tried a Mennonite Green Onion, you don't know from green onions!!"

Anyways, being separated from the rest of humanity has it's good points but posting on this crude and archaic computer hook-up is a true challenge ("Pedal faster honey, we're losin' the connection!!") Nevertheless, I've managed to keep abreast of world events and here's something that's caught my eye in the wake of the whole Obama/Blitt/New Yorker cover brouhaha.

Radovan Karadzic, the former 1st president of Republika Srpska has been caught after 13 years in hiding. While a fugitive he worked at a private clinic in Belgrade under the alias Dr. Dragan David Dabić. In 2007 he lived in Vienna under the name Petar Glumac posing as the Croatian seller of herbal solutions and ointments and is now fighting extradition on the charges of war crimes and the unlicensed selling of ointments, both punishable by death.

The upcoming trial will be a difficult affair for world court prosecutors. Karadzic is crafty and well informed. Aware of the New Yorker controversy he has chosen a novel defence and will claim that he was merely satirizing Slobodan Milosevic, himself a war criminal and ex-president of Yugoslavia. "What...you don't get it!!??!! It was satire I tell you!!" he exclaimed to the press minions as he was being escorted to a holding cell. Now comes word that holocaust denier Ernst Zundel will be using the satire defence to win Canadian repatriation so here on the home front I've decided to get in on the fun and have been satirizing the loathsome behaviour of your typical lazy, patriarchal, boor (oh, how I hate them!!). For four days running I haven't lifted a finger and have done much bellowing of orders from the comfort of a large sofa. My behaviour is so over the top that Phyllis, a clever woman, is surely in on the joke even as she stoops to pick up my haphazardly strewn underwear or prepare me another meal (more bacon you bitch!! LOL).

Phyllis is out back near the tool shed cleaning up a mess I made earlier (oops!! LOL)...looks like she's sharpening the pick axe and talking to herself. Maybe I'll have her split some logs for a romantic fire this evening. I'm so glad she understands satire!!

Alberta Bound (and Gagged)

For Blobophiles the summer is always a double edged sword*. The early days are a bonanza marked by my lack of gigs and the consequential bounty of posts. Then comes August and my annual pilgrimage to Alberta where I have access to the internet through an archaic dial-up connection. This coupled with the fact that I'll be spending a lot of time catering to the varied whims of my girlfriend means sporadic posting at best.
Of course this is all very exciting for yours truly as expressed by Blob mascot Slimy (the dog vomit slime mold) but after months spent building my readership I can't help but feel a tad remorseful.


Taking a cue from Larry King who is often absent from his own CNN show, I invited Troy Huber to guest host The Blob and had him send in a test post as a kind of audition. He decided to do a send up of the Katy Perry hit song "I Kissed a Girl", (recently skewered on these very pages) and sent along this:

Thanks Troy but I'm sorry, I don't think this is going to work out. Besides, with all the camping you do (outside theatres prior to summer blockbuster releases) they'll be precious little time left for you to devote to The Blob. I'll just have to do what I can from afar.

Farewell and, in my absence, if any of you want to do a complete renovation of my home......just a thought. If you do though, feel free to help yourself to any of the condiments in my fridge (mi catsup es su catsup....sorry).

*Double edged sword: As I wrote that metaphor it occured to me that it didn't make any sense in that the definition; something that can be good on the one hand but bad on the other, didn't seem to apply to a sword that could do harm with either edge.

Of course, this being the internet age, the answer was only a click away and others had voiced similar concerns. The answer lies in the fact that there is a rare second layer of meaning. The double edged sword "cuts both ways" and with that I was satisified and went on about my day.

Maria Callous says:

How is it that we've been spending so much time on T & A (and politics, for some reason), that we've forgotten completely about E!! I hate to be the one to bring this up, but there's a significant lack of Euph(onium) around here.

True enough, with all the goings on I've neglected the euphonium and low brass in general....the very element that has made The Blob such a hit in Bavaria and the stupider parts of Great Britain.

As luck would have it I've got an in with controversial illustrator Barry Blitt who sent me a rejected New Yorker cover that was seen as way to incendiary by editor in chief David Remnick: "The low brass lobby is very powerful and not very subtle when displeased, frankly I was terrified of the consequences of going with this image so we agreed that a Bin Laden/burning flag substitution would be less problematic."

Here's the rejected cover Maria...happy??

Blitt's Krieg

Walk by any newsstand today and you'll see the latest edition of the NewYorker with it's controversial cover art by friend and Blob contributor (under numerous aliases), Barry Blitt.

This is my blog, I don't have to pull any punches soooo...anybody with half a brain can look at the drawing and see that Blitt is satirizing the ridiculous, insidious attacks on the Obama's that have been ongoing for months. It's over the top and funny (to me at least).

These images and rumors have made it to mainstream media so we're not talking about the blatantly racist lunatic fringe that would show Obama with a noose around his neck or as a monkey...old, disgusting, images that are even too vile for FOX News. Instead we've gotten insinuations based on nothing: His name, carefully enunciated on right wing talk radio is Barack Hussein Obama (they love the Hussein part!!) so he's a Muslim, the fist bump with his wife was a terrorist gesture, she used the word "whitey", he doesn't always wear a flag lapel pin (where does his allegiance really lie??), he wore a traditional African costume in 2006 (SEE....he is Muslim!!). Blitt puts it all there on the cover and is now in the center of a raging shit storm recieving hundreds if not thousands of hate emails and the occasional threat. Just google blitt-obama or some variation on that theme and see for yourselves. It's fascinating and disturbing to see the very wide spectrum of (mostly negative) opinion and amazing to see all the ink this is getting in the States at a time when there are about 10 issues of vital importance that should be getting a lot more scrutiny than this drawing.

I think Americans love this shit because it gives them a chance to divert their thoughts and actions away from the painful truth.

For Barry Blitt the shit is hitting the fan today. For the rest of the nation, content to quibble over meaningless minutiae, that day is not far off.

Oh yeah.....I'm thinking of setting up a series of safe houses for him and his family and call on all Blobophiles to chip in. He cleans up after himself and can be sociable with the proper medication.

Curiouser and curiouser

The title of this post (borrowed from Alice in Wonderland) refers in this case to this video entitled "I Kissed a Girl", a current smash hit by somebody named Katy Perry. I'm afraid that poor Alice, for all her fictional mis-adventures, would be hard pressed to navigate through the strange, real world that young girls and boys inhabit today.

While the song and accompanying video are clearly a blatant attempt at titillation, boundary pushing, and cashing in on the whole faux-lesbian chic craze, the affair leaves a bad taste in my mouth (GOD you guys are so immature...you know what I mean!!).

I'm of two minds on this issue but first let's take a look at some of the lyrics:



Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent


I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it


The party pooper in me is getting all bent out of shape by the poor grammar and ridiculous message, telling young girls that changing sexual identity can be a fleeting kick, like trying on a new pair of shoes or a nifty strap-on. It also helps if this behaviour is alcohol fueled (your "out" position) and at a party or club (major league attention!!).

The typical guy in me (with apologies to author and Analrapist Tobias Funke) can't believe that women have fallen for this once again. It's clear that men have financed and encouraged this song and are overjoyed that our fantasies are becoming acceptable and commonplace. If girls continue to believe that it's OK to get naked and/or make out with each other in public then who are we to complain. This is some kind of golden age...perhaps it's best to just sit back and ogle, to blithely enjoy the spectacle as civilization implodes. And talk about product placement......Cherry Chapstick sales have gone through the roof!! Company execs are tickled pink and are already cashing in.

Remember guys; Mum's the word!!

The Yellow Menace

Quebecers finally get their yellow margarine


MONTREAL -- Quebec is about to become a little less distinct. Le Soleil reports that the provincial cabinet has quietly killed a longstanding regulation that prohibited margarine manufacturers from colouring their product a buttery yellow.
The province had been the last front in Canada's margarine wars, which pitted a protectionist dairy industry against canola farmers and multi-national margarine manufacturers. For margarine consumers here, it has meant starting their mornings with an unappealing white spread -- think lard on toast.
Ontario repealed similar restrictions in 1995, but Quebec had stubbornly resisted. In 2005, margarine manufacturer Unilever Canada Inc. lost a Supreme Court challenge of Quebec's ban. Unilever had argued in part that prohibiting yellow margarine infringed on its "commercial freedom of expression." etc.etc.

With the stroke of a pen the 100 year old, sometimes acrimonious, always ridiculous battle between the Quebec Dairy lobby and the rest of the world has come to an end....or has it??
For ages we've heard the arguments: Consumers will be confused by yellow margarine and buy it when they in fact meant to buy butter, thereby reducing dairy sales which would have a devastating socio-economic ripple effect throughout the province.


Today, finally, some of our elected representatives are trusting that we, the fat buying population of Quebec, aren't total cretins and will be able to tell the difference. I feel like I did on that wonderful day when my parents first gave me the car keys and let me go (minutes before I scraped against the illogically placed mailbox).

I've already zipped off my idea for a new ad campaign, a twist on the famous "butter scene" from Bertolucci's Last Tango in Paris (watch it here if you must)http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=yNjF8otfUQs
and I'm hoping to hear from my pals in the margarine biz real soon.

Unfortunately this is Quebec and while I remember having to grow up in a world where, for a time, my dingy white spread came with a little packet of yellow food dye that we were supposed to mix in (I still recall my Mom sitting me down to explain the dye after I asked her about it and the sting when she told me the truth about how we were different) there are many other people with even better memories. For these people who want Quebec to be a seperate country, allowing our margarine to look like the margarine in the rest of Canada is yet another step towards cultural annihilation, greasing the skids and making a slippery slope that much more slippery.
Tomorrow, in the national assembly, some opportunistic, podium pounding, politician will rise and make an impassioned plea for a return to grey oleo. Don't ask where today's patriots are...they're right here in Quebec making sure we don't mistakenly put margarine on our "beignes Juif" (Literally "Jewish donuts" * the official translation, courtesy of the Office de la Langue Francaise, of bagels)

*Ed. Note - The O.L.F. suggested that translation during a more radical phase of it's existence. It has since softened it's stand and now accepts the more reasonable but still quite silly "baguel".