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Saturday, July 26, 2008

....and Nothing but the Spoof

After a successful transition I'm ready once again to make contact with the outside world. We'll soon be heading off to the weekly Millarville Farmer's Market with it's heavy Mennonite (Prairie Hassid) representation. If we get there early enough we may even get our hands on some world famous Mennonite green've no doubt already heard the catchy slogan; "Until you've tried a Mennonite Green Onion, you don't know from green onions!!"

Anyways, being separated from the rest of humanity has it's good points but posting on this crude and archaic computer hook-up is a true challenge ("Pedal faster honey, we're losin' the connection!!") Nevertheless, I've managed to keep abreast of world events and here's something that's caught my eye in the wake of the whole Obama/Blitt/New Yorker cover brouhaha.

Radovan Karadzic, the former 1st president of Republika Srpska has been caught after 13 years in hiding. While a fugitive he worked at a private clinic in Belgrade under the alias Dr. Dragan David Dabić. In 2007 he lived in Vienna under the name Petar Glumac posing as the Croatian seller of herbal solutions and ointments and is now fighting extradition on the charges of war crimes and the unlicensed selling of ointments, both punishable by death.

The upcoming trial will be a difficult affair for world court prosecutors. Karadzic is crafty and well informed. Aware of the New Yorker controversy he has chosen a novel defence and will claim that he was merely satirizing Slobodan Milosevic, himself a war criminal and ex-president of Yugoslavia. " don't get it!!??!! It was satire I tell you!!" he exclaimed to the press minions as he was being escorted to a holding cell. Now comes word that holocaust denier Ernst Zundel will be using the satire defence to win Canadian repatriation so here on the home front I've decided to get in on the fun and have been satirizing the loathsome behaviour of your typical lazy, patriarchal, boor (oh, how I hate them!!). For four days running I haven't lifted a finger and have done much bellowing of orders from the comfort of a large sofa. My behaviour is so over the top that Phyllis, a clever woman, is surely in on the joke even as she stoops to pick up my haphazardly strewn underwear or prepare me another meal (more bacon you bitch!! LOL).

Phyllis is out back near the tool shed cleaning up a mess I made earlier (oops!! LOL)...looks like she's sharpening the pick axe and talking to herself. Maybe I'll have her split some logs for a romantic fire this evening. I'm so glad she understands satire!!


Maria Callous said...

Wow, that guy has a nice weave. It looks like an overgrown enchanted forest mid-harvest. I bet there are little elves scurrying about in it cleaning up messes they made earlier. Mikexxxster could teach that man a thing or two, couldn't you old sport? Nothing is more important that kemptness! Especially when trying to impress the ladies...

TorontoMave said...

Good call, Maria. I think he's about as cute as a hedgehog and just about as cuddly (no Mikexxxster, I'm not talking about you).

Blobele, when do you start making those Saskatoon berry pies? Are you going to win at the fair this year?

Mama C said...

Yeah, about that pickaxe, Blobele... might want to keep it in your peripheral vision at all times. Just a thought.

Anyway, keep us posted on all the excitement that rural Alberta can provide. Here in the 'city' things can get pretty dull.

Maria Callous said...

Pff hahah! When I read mama's post, I totally read "excitement" as "excrement". Hah!! Freud was right!

Mikexxxster, ( the not too) old sport said...

Damned straight, Maria (and thanks for the kind words, Torotomave(( I think!)))!
Back in the day, I had a head of hair that The Butcher of Bosnia could only dream of!! Luxuriant, long wavey locks, the colour of chestnut, with (natural!) auburn highlights (or was it auburn with (natural!) chestnut highlights?) , lightly scented with Herbal wonder I didn't have to kill thousands of innocents just to get the ladies' attention!!!!!!! I believe the phrase is "shooting fish in a barrel".
But it was WRONG!! Using one's physical attributes to ensnare young women without even a thought to their emotional welfare IS WRONG!! I know that now!! Those were the actions of a callow, thoughtless, self-serving scalawag!! I'm ashamed of my earlier self!!!
That's the reason why, now, in contrition, my hair is so closely cropped........I refuse to play that game any more!! I must protect all those lovely women from themselves.......that is The Mikexxxster Way!!!
But you intrigue me, Maria! Do you truly believe that "nothing is more important than kemptness"? Because, interestingly, that is also The Mikexxxster Way!! I like to think of myself as The King of Kemptness!!! Welcome to my Kingdom, young lady!! Do you like blue eyes, Maria?? Have you ever noticed that I have blue, blue eyes, Maria?? Just asking............................(!!!)

(the not too) Old Sport,Mikexxxster

Colonel Sanders said...

Sure they will...

Maria Callous said...

Sorry, Mikexxxster. I like 'em short, fat and brunette now. But you get an 'A' for effort.

slapper58 said...

I'll be RIGHT over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mikexxxster said...

Yah, Maria, ok, whatever.................(!!!!!) Do you have any gorgeous friends who like blue eyes, etc., etc.???
I really don't have time for this shit...................
God!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I wasted all that time creating such a beautiful post!!!!!!!!

slapper58 said...

......but seriously though, thanks all for the lively commentary.
Rural Alberta actually does have a lot to offer as far as excrement goes. Phyllis' yard alone is a veritable cornucopia of animal crap, from muskrat to moose (but these days mostly dog, if you must know).
Toronto Mave, there will be a Millarville County Fair this year and a saskatoon pie contest BUT the prize is a paltry 100 bucks. Hardly worth my time, effort, and expertise, especially after the not so subtle anti-semitic snub of last year.
I may enter nonetheless but this time under an assumed name...Sandcroft perhaps.

slapper58 said...

Yeah, Mikexxster. I hear yah...chicks eh???
I can't believe it's taken her this long to come to her senses though. I still appreciate your artfully crafted posts....never change!!

Maria Callous said...

ed. note: "Short, fat and brunette" should read "Short, fat and brunette. No Jews allowed."

bonemikexxxster et al said...

Thank you so much for the kind words, Blobeleh!! Rest assured; I will never change (what's to fix, right????? Come on!!!!!)!!!
Boy, that Maria is a piece of work, isn't she? Do you remember that song from the 60's, "Devil or Angel"?
Let me tell you, Blobber; most certainly, I've made up my mind on that one (no extra points for guessing WITCH one!!!!!)!!!!!
I hope that you're having a wonderful time (how could you not??) with the Bodacious, Bountious and Beneficent Beaver (how we all love her!!!!!!)!!!!!!
Yer ol' pal, Bonemikexxxster

bonemikexxxster et al said...

I have no idea where that "et al" came from..........I'm quite sure that I signed that post Bonemikexxxster (no additives!! 100% pure!!)......but maybe, just
maybe, like Sybil, there's more to me than meets the eye!
This reminds me of what was once said about the great jazz saxophonist, Stan Getz; he apparently suffered from multiple personality disorder; his colleague, Zoot Sims, when asked about Stan, said, yeah!! Stan's a great bunch of guys!!!
(Was that a run-on sentence?? We're not sure...........)

Maria Callous said...

I would just like to take a minute and write a little Haiku to one of my favourite beverages, which, as of late, has been absent in my diet due to illness. Here goes:

Whether blond or rousse
but not noir cuz it's too harsh
Always hits the spot

mikexster said...

Hey there, Blobber (Hi, Beautiful Beaver!!)!
Yet again, I've been inspired by Maria Callous ..............albeit, just this once, in a purely artistic sense (no pillow-fights between her and her gorgeous friends, no shower scenes, no inappropriate mental images of any kind!!! Because That Would Be Wrong!!!)!!!
Her Paean to Ale got me thinking about what my musical hero, Tony Bennett, in one of his many wonderful songs( with the late, great Bill Evans), calls "the real stuff of life".......!!! I'm sure that I speak for many, many of your friends and fans..... we miss you Blobbie!!!

Bob's in Alberta
Breakfast is not as it was
Quietly I weep

And, if I may say so, I write those lines having had breakfast this very morning with Maria and her (by far!!) most babelicious friend!!! So you know I mean it, Blobeleh!!
That's it in a nutshell, buddy (sniff!)!!!
Thomas Wolfe was wrong!!! You CAN come home again Blobber (sniff!!)!!!!!!

Mama C said...

Is your trip half over yet, Blobele?

Mama C said...

If it weren't for the outpourings of people like Maria and Mikexxxter, I don't know how we'd get on. But we manage! BTW, you people who read and never write in, now's your chance!! We need some extra input due to lack of postings, due to lack of Blobele.

Maria Callous said...

Fuck you Mike. Breakfast with me is fun. But please come back Bob. Mike is driving me nuts with all his meany comments. Blah.

mikexster said...

Dearest Maria! Of course breakfast with you is fun (whoooooooooooooohhoooooooo!!!!!!!!!)!!!
But, with's not all about you!! Come on!!!!!

A meanie I am
Yet as she sips her Smoothie
Silently she smiles

The point of the post, was, I believe, that we all miss our Blobbie!!! End of story (you know that I love you, Maria!!!)!!!

Colonel Sanders said...

Very very nice haiku, Mikexxxster!

slapper58 said...

short,fat, and brunette
if only I weren't Jewish
maybe I'll convert!!!

My summer at Camp Phyllis continues as does her never ending quest to make a man of me so there'll be more to emasculate.
I've scythed a swath, hacked down trees to make a clearing for a pasture fence and today will make Thai red curried shrimp and a peach-cherry galette for a party of 6. I've also done quite a bit of biking and practise hours of glockenspiel a day....what's that??....did somebody say renaissance man????
Maria, I think what Mikexxster and his new friend Al are trying to say is that breakfast with you is fun but nowhere near as fun when I'm not around. It's what we here in the blog business refer to as "a given" but the sentiments are appreciated nonetheless. Thanks Big M!!
Mama C, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on what side of the pasture fence you're sitting) I'm not quite half way done with my Alberta adventure, anyways, gotta run...time to feed the pheasants.

p.s. "weren't" is a perfectly acceptable ONE syllable word and I'll defend this fact to the death!!

dixxx said...

Dear Blob,

As you can imagine I am getting geared up for the start of the Olympic Games, and in preparation, began researching the origin and history of said games.
Did you know that the word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek root "gymnos" meaning nude; the literal meaning of "gymnasium" is "school for naked exercise." Not that it would have been much interest for the majority of Blobophiles, since women did not start participating until 1900, and then well clothed at all times.
I also stumbled across the Olympic motto:

Citius, Altius, Fortius
("Swifter, Higher, Stronger").

Which made me realize that our fine Blob has not yet taken on one of its own. I would like to propose the following:

"Sapiens , Decorus , Gero."
("Wise, Beautiful, Bears").

Let me know what you think, perhaps you could do as the CBC and award $100,000 to the winner of the contest.

Yours in Christ.

mahatma mikexster said...

Excuse me, Dixxx!! I believe that The Blob does indeed have a motto, albeit an unofficial one......

Mammae, Asinum, Euphonium
("Tits, Ass, Euphonium").

I don't normally think of myself as a conservative, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it. The time has come, Blobbie, to legitimise that beautiful phrase; a phrase that "rings true", and therefore means so much to so many people all over the world!! Blob!! The time has come to incorporate "Mammae, Asinum, Euphonium" into The Blob's official masthead.
Now, here's the fundamental difference between Dixxx and me, Blobber! I offer this idea to you with a pure, humble heart; without any thought of reward or remuneration.........what I care about is The Blob, and its vital mission To Make The World A Better Place.

dixxx said...

How about this Mikexster:

morsus mihi senilis


Maria Callous said...

Mikexxxster, you're gonna need some aloe vera for that burn!