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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Soft Focus on Canada

It's high time The Blob spent some time in the homeland what with all the recent posts about US politics and sex scandals, boring Irish history and that strange Amazonian fish that burrows into your urethra, lays its eggs, steals your wallet, and leaves through an eye. (ed. note: That last one may have been a Discovery Channel inspired dream)

I'm supposed to be luxuriating in the Turks and Caicos right now but work responsibilities forced me to cancel. One night of playing drumset at a benefit dinner, 10 all expenses paid days on an island paradise and I chose Canada. Sure the decision was largely (only) mercenary but it did give me pause to sit back and reflect on this wonderful, affable, land of ours.

Wasn't it Voltaire who famously stated:
"Canada, a country covered with snows and ices eight months of the year, inhabited by barbarians, bears and beavers." Indeed it was he and while we've successfully dealt with the barbarian problem the rest of the description is spot on!!

It was probably an oversight but Voltaire could and should have included the moose, a stalwart symbol of Northern pride and strength. Like Canada the moose wants no trouble but won't back down if challenged...except of course during rutting season. Take a look at this sorry specimen who picked a fight with a power line, got its antlers entangled and was then winched up 60 feet as workers a mile away pulled the cable. That's an unretouched photo of a very unfortunate creature but more unfortunate still is this deer and the most spectaculary miscalculated jump in the history of mammals.

When I was a cartoon loving kid S and M used to stand for squirrel and moose, as the evil Boris Badunov used to refer to Rocky and Bullwinkle, but for one lonely, kinky, Canadian woodsman S & M with moose has taken on a whole new meaning:

......I'm sorry....this was supposed to be a post about Canada and I've gotten off on some weird tangent about moose and deer. And I might as well confess that the power cable photo isn't even Canadian, it's from Alaska. (OK, OK, the deer pic is from Wyoming)
I tried, I swear I did!! I wanted to come up with some interesting Canadiana. I had a clever take on my 13-0 losing streak in the Tim Horton's Roll Up the Rim to Win contest but then just yesterday I won a fucking doughnut. What can I say; we have patronage scandals,(whatever the hell those are!!) the US has hot 22 year old hookers and anonymous gay bathroom sex.
We're proud of an appendage we built for the space shuttle...guess who built the space shuttle.
To be fair though, that was a Canadian moose humping that buffalo sculpture at the top of this post. That's one stupid-ass moose!!


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Maria Callous said...

Nerd alert!

underworldprincess2008 said...

Hey Blob, I've got a vacation spot for ya: It's hot (not cuz of the sun though (wink)), lots of friendly people (ok, maybe friendly is the wrong word), and there's TONS of sad to wash up into your lady parts. Ren and Stimpy are enjoying the shit out of themselves down here (what prognosticators!) and you could be too. Just a few more steaks on friday and you're a shoe-in! If only you were living in sin, then you'd be right at the top of the list! Speaking of sin, I gotta get back to the pit (the latest vacation hot-spot!(ha ha!)).

Yours in Satan,

UnderworldPrincess ('08!)

Maria Callous said...

See, I thought those pictures looked fishy. Only American deer are stupid enough to try and jump power lines. And anyway, who says we don't have sex scandals: Our meese are going at it in those pictures! Who's wildlife knows how to party? CANADA'S!!! WOOOOOO!!

slapper58 said...

Maria and UnderWorld Princess,
Our so called meese are doing it with the ungulate equivalent of an inflatable love doll. Looks like you're not the only Canadians in "heat" who are having trouble finding a date.