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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Pie are Round

It's good to see that even in my absence the excitement continues to build as the Saskatoonberry Pie baking contest approaches. The 100th edition of the Priddis-Millarville Country Fair is set to begin and all entries must be in no later than friday at midnight. As such tonight I will make my 5th and final test pie before the main event. In a subtle psychological jibe at the competition I leaked the fact that I'll be going with only 1-2 tbsps of tapioca...a bold move that one local critic called "foolhardy at best". Whether or not I actually go that low is my little secret.
I had planned to attempt a pork crust but upon a carelful re-reading of the contest rules I came upon this little used clause:
5055A: Pies may be one or two crusted with the optional top crust being either pastry(lattice or full), or crumb. No meats, meat pastes or meat substitutes may be used .
What a bunch of countrified bastards!! If it's any consolation I'll be using lard in the crust (kosher laws be damned..there's $1,000 bucks at stake here!!)
And so as we speak the Twin Counties are abuzz with pre-fair activity as preparations enter their final stages. Farmers groom their livestock for showing, craftspeople ready there goods, and housewives and predominantly gay men put the finishing touches on their kitchen delicacies.
The Saskatoon is an unwieldy beast of a berry. I climbed the mountains of Jasper looking for guidance and enlightenment and came down knowing that I'll need skill, cunning, and no small quantity of good fortune (and much less tapioca) to succeed. I promise you this: I will do my very best and return to Montreal with my head held high.

16 comments:

Mikexxxster said...

Blobber....the preparations are done (the tapioca ruse is a Napoleonic master-stroke!), the recipe is in place. It's all about execution now. You know you can do it. We know you can do it. Most of all, that notorious pie-witch Louisa Webb knows you can do it! Blob! Be the pie!! BE THE PIE!!! Those of us who care for you (all three of of us!) want only the best for our Blobbie!!! However, it would be well to remember the admonition of the ancient Spartan mothers to their warrior sons, as they left for battle-(I'm paraphrasing)- return carrying your pie-plate, or being carried on your pie-plate! I've forgotten all my ancient Greek, so let me just say, Deus Vobiscum, Blobilum!

Anonymous said...

Go for it, Blobbie!! You take the pie!! I mean, knock em dead in their tracks. Those yokels.

Anonymous said...

I tol ya so blobby sad ta say! yer dadblamed City Pals Has done dissapered like a fart in a winstorm! An that Contest ain't even begunyit!! Wheres they now, i'd wish ta aks ya, if'n i could? thems a bunsh a loosers whati never seenbe fore!!!theys gone aways faster than a possum up a gumtree, liketasay!!! Also Iliikes ta say, yer cuntryfolk treets ya good(none o that citylike fansydan girlytalk) an traets ya right, come heck er high water eh,an them some eh? pieetin champeenship er no eh? come back ta home ware ya belong, consarnit!!! that mixxxer hes trublue (but thet therepieplate thingamajigger, its a puzler! kinda deep) jest like Maira whatsername- the rest o tham goobers is trash like i siad whatfor is nothin but pigslops blob, perdonezz ma fransaiss!!! I drunk a dram er 3, eh,but sowhat eh? what ya gotta know, blob is like what yer Good Book says! Leviathon yer crooked serpant..the dragon what be in the sea! Sea what i means blob? such are yer freinds from e city- drag ons! ye r county pals from waybacks what lovse ya!!an all the kin! eat tham pies blobrer!!!!!!!!!AMEN

Maria Callous said...

The two things that redneck spelled right: Good Book and amen. God I hate yokels.

slapper58 said...

Maria I can understand if you and Mikexxxster have some sort of thing goin on but don't, PLEASE don't encourage him and his thinly veiled yokel character. None of my derisive attacks have deterred him and I'm left to rely on the slim hope that being shunned by a beautiful and much younger woman will kill off that faux bumpkin for good. Do something...I'm too busy...it's pie day!!!!!

Maria Callous said...

In an effort to fulfill, to the best of my ability, the wishes of my spiritual leader Blobele, I have to admit that whenever that yokel bastard character comes up, I sigh when I look at all the crappy spelling and piss-poor sentence structure that I have to root through in order to find anything interesting or useful. But if I don't read it then I will seem an even lesser blobophile to my peers since I will not be up-to-date with my blob readings. But I'd rather be an apple in the eyes of my leader than spat upon across the breakfast table by his (not-so-humble) servants. Fitting I think, that I should choose the way of the fruit on this, the day of blobbie's pie-making contest. I know you'll take home the gold blobbie! Your pie rocks the big one!!

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