Dear Blob,
I am a hot young Brazilian woman in Rio de Janeiro. I spend most of my days on Ipanema beach and partying at night. I have started to find my existence somewhat meaningless of late and am looking for a mature mentor, or failing that just some good advice. What I want to know is; am I contributing anything to society?
Maria del Clevagio
Before I get to the answer I'd just like to say how pleased I am to have a Brazilian contributor. As any blogger would tell you, It's a great day when you finally get to penetrate the South American market. Your name which in English means "sea of cleavage" (where I enjoy the occasional dip) is beautiful and evocative, your question; concise and provocative and wouldn't you know it...you've come to the right place. Either it's serendipity or you already know that I've recently established an outreach program for hot, young Brazilian women (the neediest of hot , young women!) It's a kind of on line drop-in center where my mentoring skills are available free of charge to all qualified applicants.
Now then...my answer, but as a word of warning I should first say that the comment section of The Blob is teeming with all sorts of Lotharios ready to steer a young girl in the wrong direction for their own unhealthy gain. The last thing you need during an existential crisis is some country bumpkin, pompous Anglophile or tangential maniac leading you astray.
I'm far from being any of those types and if anything one could say I was a caring Braziliophile. I delight in all things Brazilian: the coffee, the music, the wax jobs, you name it!!
So....are you contributing to society? There are so many flip and ready answers full of leering double entendres and inappropriately suggestive asides. While others would eagerly wade, hip deep, in that immoral sludge I'll take the high road and answer thusly not simply as a mentor but as the mature mentor that you require. After all wasn't it Rabelais who once famously noted "Heeding the advice of an immature mentor is not unlike buying ones candle wax from the porkman". Need I say more?
I can only hope that I've been of some help and that you will continue to seek out my advice. Now go forth, hone your craft (whatever that might be), approach vice with an eye towards moderation, never, ever, be caught without the proper foundation garment and remember this chiasmus: Ask not what you can contribute to society but what society can contribute to you!
10 comments:
Dear Blob, I'm so pleased that you have taken it upon yourself to aid this helpless girl in her fight to find meaning in her meaningless existence. You have once again restored my often shaky faith in the older male species, successfully convincing me that they aren't all sleezy, smutty, hot-headed, fat-headed, greedy, slimy, shameless, tactless, untrustworthy, cat-calling schmucks down at the mall every day calling out "Hey, baby, you wanna get with THIS??? (!!!)" at us poor young females. I will no longer feel the need to kick them square in the junk, but will most likely take up on whatever offer I'm presented with and hopefully, I can lead as fascinating a life as my counterpart Maria della Moronaco. All hail blobbele, King of the saucy siñoritas!!
Maria, I can't help sensing a touch of sarcasm in your latest epistle (in re: Maria, I just mentored same...) and frankly I don't blame you. Enough with the sleaze already!! Women; fine, blameless, virginal; not exactly helpless-as is aptly shown by your strong rebuttal- but nevertheless vulnerable, have had enough of cat-calling and inuendo from the so-called stronger sex. (They may be strong, but smell isn't everything!) I am, with this commentary, lodging an official complaint against this Blob of a blog. Get all of your minds out of the gutter and show a little respect! (And remove my daughter's face from above those ludicrously large boobs, or else!!)
Listen here Mama Bear. I understand why you'd feel protective towards the young woman who you just outed as your daughter but did I really commit a crime?? I believe my answer was appropriate given the leading and suggestive nature of the question...a hot, young, beach going, partying, Brazilian needs a mature mentor...Maria del CLEVAGIO??? Helloooo!!!! Under the circumstances I was most respectful and even gave good, semi-serious, advice. I played along with her chosen character and never let on that she was anyone other than Maria Del C. If you can't control your own clever and saucy daughter that's 1 thing but to dump on The Blob for what you'll find upon 2nd reading was a very understated response is an uncalled for over-reaction.
The Picture: Clearly a brazilian woman (the bikini color scheme and small Brazilian flag earrings are dead giveaways) who in fitting with the chosen name HAD to have cleavage. That I photo-shopped in your daughter's face was our little joke but now the whole world knows!! If you and she insist I will certainly change the picture and I apologize for offending anyone. I was merely role playing and not engaging in character assasination (except Mikexxxster's) but hell hath no fury like a Mother Bear protecting her young.
I appreciate your retraction, if that's what it was and I accept your explanation/apology, since you were under the ridiculously misguided impression that my sweet, charming, articulate, intelligent, gentle-spoken daughter, would EVER claim to be some Brazilian beach bunny. Harrumph! (That's bear talk for "I'd bloody well hope so!"
Dixxxie down under, I hope you're happy with all the trouble you've caused! And, by the way, Mike does look awful cute in those boobies!
Hi, Blobbie! Wow! You're not home two days, and the ol' kettle is on the boil!! Welcome back! I'm not sure to what extent I've played a role in heightening the (sexual) tension here on the Blob (minimal, certainly!), but I believe I've found a way for me, anyway, to play an even smaller role in this sort of thing in the future. Any of your readers who have even the slightest doubt about any of my postings should merely look at the spelling of my "sobriquet", and, by counting the number of X's, will know immediately whether they'll want to share it with Grandma, avert their eyes, or call the Police!! What could be simpler?!?! For instance, a posting on the subject of, lets say, Aunty Mave's new puppy-dog will have been written by Mikexster. At the other end of the scale, say, something about the sexual habits of college-girls-gone-bad, look for that sort of thing under Mikexxxxxxxster (it's sad what some people think of as entertainment!)!! If this system works as well as I hope , I might be able to sell my idea to the U.S. Homeland Security people! If that should ever happen, I'll be RICH!!! Then, possibly, I could realise my life's dream, and help at least some of those poor, lost college girls, who,clearly, are in need of some mature guidance (that's my nature, Blob! I just like to help people!!!). Devoted Blob-readers, you're welcome!!!
Dear Mama C,
Talk about a tempest in a D cup!!!
Sincerest apologies for ever assuming that your daughter was anything other than pure of heart. I thought it out of character but naively assumed maybe a bit of alcohol induced fun, never for a moment thinking that Dixxx or one of your other so called friends would attempt such a dodgy masquerade. The proper steps have been taken to rectify the situation. I admit that my defenses were down owing to the late hour, a very busy day, and some jet lag. I come away from this whole sad ordeal pledging to be ever more vigilant and knowing that the scrutiny of my more intelligent readers means they care.
Excellent idea Mikexster and may I be the 1st to congratulate you on your knew found coherence. Your last comment was a pleasure to read. I haven't yet decided if the whole Maria del Clevagio debacle was your work or Dixxx's but in the immortal words of George Bush: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
I like Mike!
Heh, I showed you guys my photo albums in confidence when you were houseguests. Little did I know that you would steal my Brazillian mad fan phase picture and reconstruct it for your own selfish purposes !!!
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