I wish I could say that I was sitting here staring at my first prize check of 1000 dollars but today just wasn't my day. Am I feeling humiliated? No. Vindictive? A little. Sick of saskatoon berries? Yes!!
As we walked into the food display area of the arena I had this sinking feeling for there overhead, graciously donated by the local Mennonite community, was a large banner that read "Kochen Macht Frei". I knew then and there that I didn't have a chance.
Sure enough my beautiful pie didn't even merit an honorable mention. The winner, 13 yr. old Teagan Keegstra, (that's right...Keegstra!) deserved 3rd place at best but I'm an outsider (auslander) and had no recourse after the fact.
Small consolation...I did get the Tenderflake Bursary ($50.00) for "Best Use of Lard by a Jew" but as the only Jew I was the odds on favorite. Unfortunately I can't download pictures from Phyllis' comp but in a few days I'll be home. You can be the judge....I was robbed!!!
My filling had the perfect ooze quotient (finally) with a strong Saskatoon flavor bolstered by hints of ginger, lemon, and almond extract. The pastry crust positively shattered under slight pressure from a fork only to reveal it's more tender underside. The delicate braid along the circumference and small leaf shaped pastry ornaments only hinted at the splendor within.
I come away from the Millarville Fair having seen anti-Semitism at its hateful worse. This is a card that I never play (exceptions: orchestral auditions, failed relationships, Jeopardy tryouts, all Quebec-based lotteries, and now this!).
I'll recover in time but for now I feel like an utter fool. Only hours ago my right hand was coated in lard...LARD...in all its porcine unctuousness. I tried and tried but couldn't wash it off....I feel it even now between my fingers and beneath my nails....its essence clings to my eyes!! It might as well have been the very blood of my ancestors after I'd stabbed them in the back!!!
Back in Montreal the support of friends will help speed the healing as will a complimentary meal at Schwartz's and a dozen St. Viateur bagels.
Next year, undaunted, I will enter once again with an identical pie save one new ingredient; a goyish family name.
16 comments:
Feer not Blobby. Your faithful fan club roots for you as we languish in the hot tub of suburbia and wait on your news. Too bad you didn"t win, place or show, but Party Bear, Mikexxxster, TorontoMavie and Mama Calous support you in your ongoing journey of continuous improvement. We think you may have underestimated your competition this year, and will learn from your naivetee and cockiness only to emerge victorious in future matches. Remember, Edison made hundreds of mistakes before the lightbulb was invented (if he was actually the one who inveneted it). Fear not, your time will come and it will be sweet......sticky sweet....and know htat we're behind you all the way....in our druken stupour.... after a glorious repast and several after dinner drinks. Yours in inebreation.....TorontoMave, PartyBear, Mikexxxster and Mama Calous......(burb...........scuse me........).......
Beaten by a 13 year old girl. Pitiful.
Thanks guys (and Dixxx)...BTW have you seen "Guys and Dixxx"...one of the best gay porn remakes of a Broadway musical ever!! Your support and faith in me are encouraging and as for being beaten by a 13 yr. old, well, true...it IS pitiful. Credit where credit is due though, that Teagan Keegstra is one together Aryan!! Nevertheless I'd hold off on directing any disparaging comments my way until you see the pics.
This just goes to show that you can't trust countryfolk. I mean what the hell do these people know about good taste (of course Phyllis is excused from this, I mean after all she's dating the scrumptious Blobby!)? Being an honourary Jew myself (shit, maybe my title is passed since I'm no longer the girlfriend of one..) I feel your pain. And as a fellow baker, I feel it even more. There is nothing like the sting of rejection, especially when it is for something that you know in your heart to be the best damn pie you've ever made! Well I salute you Blobby! And I curse those bastards from the pie-eating contest! When you come home we'll all drink to your (lack of) success and hopefully you'll realize that the opinions of your close and personal friends are the only ones that matter (dixxx and mikexxxster excluded of course). Yours in culinarius, Maria :)
Sorry to hear about your loss, Blobby. Don,t give up, you'll have another go next year, that's all. With any luck young Teagan will be in the throes of adolescent rebellion and, going absolutely contrary to her mother's advice about pie-making, will daringly try a pork-chop crust. You'll get in there, sporting your new Arian name of Slappingham, and win it all. It can't fail.
KOCHEN MACHT FREI indeed!!! Arians all over de vorld vill applaud the glorious victory of blue-eyed, blonde-haired fraulein T. KEEGSTRA, poster-girl for all dat is right and decent in this evil-infested hell-hole ve call de Earth! The Protocols of the Elders of Zion state clearly what ve can expect from de shifty ( brown) eyed, swarthy,
pie-baking contest auslanders who tug at der forelocks, who bow and scrape, ingratiating demselves vit right-thinking, decent country-volk; meanwhile SHOUTING TO THE VORLD how much dey love all tings PORCINE!!!!!!!!! ARIANS OF THE VORLD!! UNITE!!! You haf nothing to lose but a pie-baking contest!!! ETERNAL VIGILANCE!!! To all dose who "lof" lard IN NAME ONLY(!!!!!); YOU HAVE BEEN VARNED!!!!! THE ARIAN ALBERTA BRUDERBUND OF PIE AFICIONADOS (Albert Speer Cell). HEIL TEAGAN!!!
You won a moral victory, Blobbie!! Your Eastern friends who love you (and hope to dine chez toi next week), know how hard you worked to prepare (the "ooze factor" factor just might be the last question Science will ever answer!). One more thing; speaking as a (reasonably) tall, blue-eyed, (formerly) blonde-haired Arian, let me assure you that Mr. A.S. Slappingham most assuredly (!!!) does not speak for me!!! Some of my best friends are Jews, Gypsies, Slavs and intellectually-challenged fat-heads!!! (They know who they are!!!)
All these votes of confidence...what's a boy to think?? Slappingham has a rather nice ring to it...I'd been thinking of Sandcroft myself. I have months to decide. Mikexxxster, some of my best friends are trombonists...do I get a medal of honor too???
BTW Maria I hate to tell you this but as the "dumper" rather than the "dumpee" your honorary Jew status was immediately revoked. Talk to me about reinstatement upon my return to Montreal.
Hey, when are you and G.F. returning from the beyond? We'll be home on Friday the 24th from our mini-break holiday. SEe you then???
Blobbie! You sound cranky!! There's no shame in losing to a thirteen-year old girl!!! I remember 1961 Music Camp; the instrumental competition junior finals. I chose to play "O the Drunkard may Come" (Funny, when you think about it!). THIRTEEN-YEAR OLD Catherine Booth was the competition (I forget what she played); she performed like the Devil Herself (which is also funny when you consider that it was a Christian camp!); AND she had an amazing rack (thy breasts are like two roes that are twins, that feed among the lilies.(( The Song of Solomon,4:5))!!!! What chance did I have???? Here's my point, Blob...when you pay top-dollar for a ticket to a Place des Arts show, who do you want to see in that all-important 2nd trombone chair?? Know what I'm sayin'? Are you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?? Are you followin' the changes???? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, BLOBELE!!! IT'S THE SYSTEM!!!! Arians, big, beautiful racks (My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him. ((No, really!!! The Song of Solomon,5:4!!!!!)), what chance do we have, realistically?!?!?! As Vic Vogel said to a good partybear friend of mine: "YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!!!!! And as the Protestants of Northern Ireland used to say, "No Surrender!!!!" You shall overcome, Blobber (what day for supper next week?)!!!!!
Mike (Mikexxxster)again your last comment leads me to ask the eternal question: What the f**k are you talking about???
I don't get it. How can someone so lucid in person become such a rambling,tangential, maniac in print? I've considered this conundrum carefully, metaphorically turning it around in my hand to be examined at all angles and have come to a startling conclusion: You are suffering from what I call MWS or Mike Wilson Syndrome. This hitherto unreported condition is remarkable in that it presents as ADD only when the subject expresses him or herself in print. I will soon be presenting a paper at the annual North American Psychiatric Foundation convention in Seattle. Mike if you'd be so kind I'd like to film you in conversation and then juxtapose some of your commentary from my site. Expect a small remuneration.
BTW supper chez moi Friday the 24th 6:30 pm. BYOB's
Think of it as an end of summer Blobtacular. You, The Callouses (Mama & Maria), Party Bear, Dixxx, assorted spouses and hangers on should all show up.
One more thing...I'm somewhat of a mindreader so in anticipation of the question, YES there will be bevelled ham!!!
Dear Blob,
Will there be pie? I am so sorry (yeah,yeah I'm an assorted hanger on) I'll have to take a miss on the "Blotacular". You're right to have it a BYOB...you'd need a swimming pool full of cosmos to satistfy that thirsty crowd.I'll toast you all from beneath a palm tree mudslide in hand.
Ad Maria Callous: amor vincit omnia! Suum cuique pulchrum; amantes sunt amentes!! Si finis bonus est, totum bonum erit!!!!! Amor!!!!!
Julius,
As an illustrious general, emperor, and the original Latin lover I can only voice my shock and displeasure (and I do so with all due respect) at your use of my site to troll for young stuff. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the object of your affections replied with a firm slap to the face and an unequivocal "commestibus excrementum!!!!" By all means though continue the seduction but please take it elsewhere. I admire your perseverance so don't give up. Remember....Rome wasn't built in a day.
P.S. Et tu Mikexxxster
Blob, don't worry, I wouldn't respond favourably to Julius Caesar but especially when it's Mikexxxster parading his fat head around as him. At breakfast yesterday I professed my love for the literary character of Caesar in a book I'm reading about the life of Cleopatra. So naturally, my personal life gets (once again) splashed on the blob. Don't get me wrong, I should be honoured that it's being talked about at all let alone on the best blog du monde! But in response to Mike's gesture: bite me. Caesar is way too suave to be so obvious. You can't fool a girl in love (oh wait...that's not how the saying goes...)!
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