The 2nd or 3rd Annual (honestly....who can be bothered to check)Blob Year in Review

2008 was a difficult and momentous year worldwide and things were no different here at The Blob. A marked decline hereabouts in post production coincided with the international economic meltdown and the growing threat of global warming (and my stint in rehab for an on-line word game addiction didn't help either). Still, I averaged almost 1 post every 3 days which is a lot better than say, the sultry Maureen Dowd with her addictions (I'm hoping sex and over the counter pain medication!!) and I include pictures and The Blob is free!!

The year started off like a house on fire, January coming in with a whopping 14 posts (all quality and some of them golden). The "I Have a Dreamsicle" ad of January 22nd Tastelessness in Advertising was 1st among equals with Honourable mention to Viagra Noodle Man with too much time on his hands and a brilliant idea seeking investors. (Jan.23).

February, with 12 posts was a solid month and the fan favorites were (yes..a tie) from the 12th day titled: The Blob Book Corner and from the 7th:Write if You Get Work

March and a hefty 18 posts!! St. Patrick's Day Tribute!! with it's lovely tale about the origins of the Irish style of dance was a personal favorite.

April...15 posts...winner: Yesterday "T".....Today "A" (happy now??!!??) all praise YouTube.

May...13 posts...How can I not cite the post concerning my past love, Michaelle Jean: Hey Sarkozy; Get your Brie covered hands off of her!!!

June...13 posts...toss up: Setting the Record Straight , Worst Movie Ever!! both featuring Blob regular BoneMikester.

July....way down to 8 posts and winner by virtue of its title: Gneiss Cock!!

August..ouch , only 4 posts (but I was away in Alberta): An Important Message from the Editorial Staff I admitted I was addicted to the word game Scramble and Nan Wilkinson was introduced as guest Blogger

September...a respectable 8 posts...#1: A Dog's Life Nan's swan song.

October...2 posts...let's move on shall we??

November...only 5 posts, but still.... Blob Update - The 1st Fifty Years OK maybe a somewhat self indulgent choice but it's my blog. Bite me!

December...7 posts...not too bad. Those naked Japanese girls playing trombones = No contest: Bush de Noel

Just enough time for some sushi before 2009. Oh yeah, my resolutiuon for the coming year: No more hi fives, celebratory or ironic. The fist bump is more sanitary and will be seen as a sign of solidarity with the Obamas. Happy New Year etc.

Follow the Bouncing Balls

The end of the year is nigh and it's time to tie up a loose end or two. Recently a Blob regular in the guise of Richie Cunningham's Mom, Mrs. Cunningham, wanted some information on Ponzi schemes, the pyramid-type swindle perpetrated by now infamous Wall St. con man Bernard Madoff, for 30 some odd years and only recently uncovered.


Wouldn't ya know it...I have an answer, but like everything else economy related these days it's a bit convoluted. I urge you to bear with me and hunker down, settle in, sit back etc. as I present the new concept of Conspiridence, (that grey area between conspiracy theory and coincidence) and apply it to the current Ponzi situation in particular and the larger field of sociopathic behaviour, especially as it relates to men entrusted with power and/or our money, who should know better.


Those of us who've never come face to face with a con man imagine a Prof. Harold Hill type from the Music Man http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_Oe-jtgdI
(the Simpson's "Monorail Guy" for you kids out there http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC56hnyiP_s&feature=related).
A sweet talkin' fellah who could sell you anything, has almost no regard for others and at the core genuinely believes we're all dumb marks just waiting to be taken. These guys (sometimes gals too) have chutzpah to spare or in other words; the biggest balls in the room.


OK...meat and potatos time: When I first heard about Madoff and the Ponzi scheme (named after Charles Ponzi, one of the most notorious conmen of all time) it occurred to me that by combining two beloved Happy Days character names; Potsie and Fonzie, we arrived at the word Ponzi. That was only the beginning. All three of them have thick, luxurious hair and Anson Williams (who played Potsie) was born in 1949, the very year that Charles Ponzi died!!


By combining Potsie's likeability and trustworthiness with Fonzie's charisma and big balledness we get the archetypal conman persona. In fitting with true conspiridence theory this leads directly to the 3 men who displayed the biggest balls of all in 2008. Here's a little chart I put together that should help out:

All three, presented from left to right in order of testicle size, displayed unparalleled hubris:

• Edwards by running for president as an earnest defender of the downtrodden while cheating on his devoted, cancer ridden wife.


• Blagojevich, by trying to profit from a great moment in history (thereby tarnishing it and Obama in the process), refusing to relinquish power once arrested, and today, after attempts to sell the senate seat backfired, appointing a new Illinois senator despite pleas not to.


• Bernard Madoff, by running a scam for 3 decades that bilked billions from reputable charities and trusting investors alike destroying thousands of nest eggs in the process.

In the grand scheme of things Ponzi with his hair and conartistry leads to the combined name and personality of Potsie/Fonzie who channel the hair and callousness on to Blagojevich and Edwards and actual sociopathology and Ponzi scheme itself to Madoff!!

Madoff's flimsy pyramid crumbled because the economy tanked and people wanted to cash in their investment gains. He'd never actually invested anything and was just using new investor's money to pay off other investors. Now, with the stock market in free fall, there were no new investors and he owed billions of dollars which he didn't have. Game over

That's the beauty of conspiridence.....a few baseless inferences, a couple of cobbled together coincidences and you've got yourself a grassroots movement, a book deal and a speaking tour (see 9-11 conspiracy theories). I guess it's true what they say about a sucker being born every minute...now buy my book.

THE BLOB CHANUKKAH SPECTACULAR!!!

It's here again...the Festival of Lights, the celebration of spiritual renewal made tangible by the rededication of an ancient temple by a hardy band of warriors and the miracle of the sacred oil that burned for 8 days when lo, there wast nary enough for one.
Crank up those menorahs (the candle thingies), fry up some latkes (traditional dish made of equal parts oil, potato, and salt) and bring out the dreidels (spinning 4 sided tops) for a rousing game or two...it's Channukah time again!!! It was the finest story of all until the darn Christians came along like an obnoxious guest at a not too bad party and one-upped us with the so called "greatest story ever told!!" (so they have a better marketing department...big schmeal)
Let's first take a look back in the archives...and you thought dreidels were just for kids!!
http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2006/12/with-chanukkah-fast-approaching-its.html
http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/12/channukah-goes-chai-tech.html

This year the excitement ante gets ratcheted up a peg with news that Nintendo and it's wildly popular Wii console have added a virtual dimension to the traditional game of chance. All the action that we've come to love is still there only now we twist the controller and operate a joystick/thumb lever to spin the small toy. The suspense builds to a fever pitch and the boys in The Blob test lab were up all night waiting to see who'd come out ahead as the top came to a halt...gimmel, shinn, beth, noon...which Hebrew letter would it be and who would collect the wagered passel of cyber-walnuts??!!?? Allergic to walnuts?? Change the option setting to almonds or raisins. It's as easy as tweaking a couple of knobs!!
Buy the premium addition and build and kiln fire your own dreidel on-line. Clay so life-like you'd swear it was the real thing..."I almost plotzed" said Lou Haberman of Haberman Toys Inc.

Bush de Noel

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Blobophile of the Year - 2008 Edition

It's hard to believe that another year has come and gone and that the holiday season is once again upon us. It's a special time with that heady blend of good cheer and masochism tinged by nostalgia for a simpler time when people hated each other a lot but nobody talked about it too much.
2008 was a momentous year around the world and here at The Blob it was an important and transitional period as well.
A regular contributor (Mama C.) turned me on to an on-line boggle type game and I ended up in rehab. The reins were handed over to a contest winner named Nan Wilkinson and the tone around here changed to the point where I had to cut short my stay and return to man the fort once again.


While I've not fully recovered (today, for instance, is not such a good day) and post frequency is way down, that shouldn't stop us from celebrating the 1st annual Blobophile of the Year award.

So many people graced these pages in 2008, either as contributors or subjects, that it was hard to make a final decision, but with the help of my editorial staff and the good folks at Tim Horton's (thanks for the extra crullers Saleema!!) we managed to close the deal during the wee hours of the morning.
Our policy is simple: The person or animal, real or fictional, who created the most buzz.
The short list came down to:

• BoneMikester....that voice in the wilderness who with his many alter egos, sturdy British sensibilities, and flare for the language of Shakespeare, proved time and again that the study of euphonium in one's formative years should be encouraged.
  
• Troy Huber with his acerbic lethargy.
  
• Maria Callous who added a certain foul-mouthed, busty, drunkenness and always at the exact moment when we needed it most.
• Turd Stuffington who is a dependable and stalwart champion of good
  
• Nan Wilkinson; ditto
• Barack Obama...(I'm hoping for an invitation to the inaugural ball)

We argued well into the night and when the dust settled we all agreed that there was, at the end, only one real choice.....a man who has battled adversity, faced down the naysayers and who will always remember 2008 and as a year of triumph. I proudly give you the new Blobophile of the Year!!




Bravo BoneMikester!!! Your prodigious accomplishments in the field of prodigiousness have provided ample fodder for posts and opinion and even as we go to press, thanks to you, a raging controversy stirs in the comment section. Tobias Funke would have to agree that whatever you write and no matter how concise or long-winded, you never fail to get a rise out of us (I meant; "make us have an erection" in a metaphorical sense.)

Congratulations again on your well deserved victory!!!!!!!!!

Explicking the Inexplicable

From the office of Her Excellency the Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean, Governor General of Canada


Dear Blob,
Something just happened and I'm still not sure what. One day I'm a figurehead (some would say the "hottest" political figurehead ever!) and the next thing you know I'm whisked away from my usual routine of international travel, ribbon cutting, gala dinners and handing out medals and awards...whisked away I say, and forced to return to Ottawa to decide a constitutional crisis. After more than an hour alone in chambers with Prime Minister Harper I opted for prorogation(?) but I'm still not exactly sure what that is. Blob...did I do the right thing??
Also, I'll be in Montreal for a puck dropping ceremony (or some such thing). No matter how hard I try I can't forget that fabulous weekend we spend some years ago...any chance of a do over?
xox
Mickey J

Michaelle...how wonderful to hear from you once again. I must begin by saying in all honesty that the jury is still out on whether or not you're the hottest GG in our nation's history. The extremely handsome Lord Tweedsmuir caused quite the stir during his tenure in the late 30's and many a wealthy Canadian socialite fell under his amorous spell.





A note from the management: The following half of this post was initially lost due to a technical malfunction and what you will read hence has been painstakingly reconstituted from hazy recollections and fragmentary shards of memory. This has taken a considerable emotional toll on the author.



Don't count me among those in his camp though....I still find you way more attractive (way!)

Now, about your question.

• Economic crisis hits yet minority government seems reluctant to make any dynamic moves.


• Prime Minister Harper decides to save a few bucks with some hard ball politics; vows to slash a vital source of funding for the already financially strapped, leftist, arts loving, opposition thereby increasing the likelyhood of a majority next time around.


• "Not so fast!" say the 3 opposition leaders who threaten to topple the government and form a coalition.(Dion- see: post-nasal drip, Layton-Pinko, Duceppe-separatist....yes, separatist)


• This Michaelle, was where you were brought in.

If any good has come of this it is that we have become acquainted with the word PROROGUE, sourced etymologically by Webster's as: PRO - 1866, shortening of professional and ROGUE -
An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal.

...a more than adequate synonym for our Prime Minister but today used to mean putting the government on hold. By opting for prorogation you've more or less butted out and allowed for a little breathing room for all parties concerned. Countries such as Israel are routinely run by coalitions and they end up with a small ultra-orthodox religious party called Shas wielding the balance of power. We don't need Gilles Duceppe and the quasi-religious Shas Quebecois calling the shots here so thanks Mickey, for doing the right thing. Seeing you leap into action like that, even though plagued by uncertainty, kind of got me reminiscing.

Why not give me a call when you're in town. Let's form a coalition of our own....for old time's sake.

This is the Autumn of my Missed Content

There's some well deserved griping and grumbling in The Blob's comment section and I'll be the 1st to admit that I haven't kept up my end of the bargain, which is that I must provide regular, entertaining posts and you have to do dick all!!

Unfortunately I've had to work and I've also been dealing with a well documented addiction to an on-line word game. Throw in the economic meltdown, global terrorism and warming and you've got a recipe for disaster for a well meaning blogger who's a skilled procrastinator (more about this later).

Now the holiday season is upon us and I'm taking off for Quebec City for 5 computer free days.

Hmmm...looks like David Jerome has another book out just in time for Chrismukkah and an unlikely book it is since it's fictional spokesman is as goyish as they come.
The premise is novel and promising: Turd Stuffington's son, Turd Jr. is now 13 and he is only just learning of such unfamiliar things as sex and Jews. One afternoon Turd Sr. sits his son down for a talk and we're all privy to his words of wisdom. Rather than me explaining the rest, here's a brief snippet:


"What's a Jew??" Why son...I thought you'd never ask.
I guess you could say that a Jew is the same as you or me except they don't believe that Jesus was our Lord and Saviour. That means they can't get into heaven and certain country clubs. The thing that really makes Jewish boys different than you though, besides the dangly bit of skin at the end of your penis, is the Bar Mitzvah; an ancient ceremony where a Jewish boy, at the age of 13, becomes a Jewish man!
As Christians we do this in a very different way and it has a lot to do with what the legal drinking age is where you happen to live.

And so it goes as our favourite astronaut/talmudic scholar (who knew??) delves into the arcane world of Judaism, with it's numerology, dietary laws, lavish post-bar mitzvah spreads, and impressive sweet tables.
You should only live long enough to read and enjoy this book.






Dreidl Boy is coming!