"Carlos Castaneda takes us through that moment of twilight, through that crack in the universe between daylight and dark into a world not merely other than our own, but of an entirely different order of reality."
So writes Walter Goldschmidt in his for
eward to "The Teachings of Don Juan" by Carlos Castaneda. I've never heard of Goldschmidt although he is remarkable for the 9:2 consonant to vowel ratio in his last name and I'm mostly aware of Castaneda's works because of the Chili Cook-off episode on The Simpsons (season 8 - "The Mysterious Voyage of Homer").
eward to "The Teachings of Don Juan" by Carlos Castaneda. I've never heard of Goldschmidt although he is remarkable for the 9:2 consonant to vowel ratio in his last name and I'm mostly aware of Castaneda's works because of the Chili Cook-off episode on The Simpsons (season 8 - "The Mysterious Voyage of Homer").Nevertheless, the tales of the Yaqui Indian shaman and his use of psychotropic drugs (peyote, datura, etc.) to induce a heightened state of consciousness, provided a pseudo-intellectual rationale for millions of people, from teenage slackers to pompous academics, to get totally wasted.
I've never needed drugs to experience the other worlds that sorround us. Why just yesterday I had one of those perceptual time warps that Castaneda refers to as moments of power.
warning: the following story deals with male urination. If you are in any way uncomfortable with the subject please leave the room now.
We have a small powder room off the kitchen where I was now urinating, standing as is my wont, prior to the preparation of a delicious lasagna. (don't worry, I always wash my hands).
This was no different than any of the thousands of other such experiences I've had only I started to detect a quiet fizzing noise that, as I listened, grew louder with each passing second. It was a noticeable crescendo, as though someone were gradually moving a glass of alka-seltzer to my ear and I started to become alarmed. I stood motionless, looked down and sure enough there were bubbles but not the roiling, boisterous display one would expect to go hand in hand with such a noise. In mere seconds I had entered the twilight zone where my own urine was apparently effervescing enough to scare the hell out of me. And then, just as quickly, the mystery was solved and the universe returned to its rightful order....I had set some ground beef to brown for the Bolognese sauce before I went to pee, hence that sizzling sound as the stove element grew hotter under the meat filled pot...phewphhh!!!
Fears that I'd contracted CUS (carbonated urine syndrome) were quickly dispelled and I went on with my day.
Coincidentally, May is "CUS Awareness Month" in Canada. If you have any of the warning signs i.e.
- A not altogether unpleasant urethral tingliness
- A pervasive odor of fermenting cabbage
- foamy bedding
please contact your urologist immediately.
16 comments:
Blob,
I can't believe you're still pissing at all - a real man
can hold his urine. [I haven't taken a piss since
Wednsday last, and you should see the newfound
respect and admiration in the eyes of those around me].
Troy Huber
Did somebody say a "not pissing contest"???
OK Huber you're on!! 20 bucks says I can hold it in longer than you. Starting at sundown tonight I'll be holding in my urine and so will you. First man to spray has gotta pay!! And no elastic bands or hose clamps...this isn't high school any more.
No hose clamps? Whoa, big fella - you play too rough.
[I've got 5 or 6 on right now]
[needless to say, contest off]
Troy Huber
Ok, boys, but keep in mind that if you have CUS that you might not want to hold any of it in. I think all will remember last Christmas at the Party Palace when mama c left 2 bottles of Perrier in the freezer overnight. I was mopping up a hell of a lot of bubbles and broken glass. And I was drunk on top of it! (I'm surprised I didn't cut myself!) Don't let it happen to you! That's what we medically interested people would call a urinary implosion. Think about it.
I'll not comment, ever, on your punctuation or grammar (your very own Mama C takes care of that) but it would be wrong to leave your use of the word "implosion" uncorrected.
A CUS induced build up of gas in the bladder and urinary tract, especially if a urethral blockage was involved because of a crazy glue accident for example, would lead to a urological explosion. What you're thinking of is the gradual death of millions of brain cells due to excessive consumption of alcohol leading to a neurological implosion. Think about it!!
Did you see the time on that post?? What makes you think I would be drunk at 3:29 in the afternoon. I am ashamed of you!
My intention is not to appear mustachioed nor infantile, but did the carbonation of the Perrier
really have anything to do with the bottles breaking?
Doesn't liquid water expand when freezing, whether bubbly or not?
[I'm cool with all the other jokes and commentary
on this page however]
Troy Huber
Touché Troy!!
I still contend that if you applied yourself you could have easily walked out of Chemistry 436with close to an 80% and besides
Mr. Fisk had it in for you big time. (what a rip off)
If anything the freezer would have caused the carbonic gas to condense thereby mitigating the overall expansion of the bottle's contents.
In Maria's defense though, the only liquid she habitually puts in the freezer is vodka which looks a lot like water. How was she to know that its properties were so entirely different??
OOPS!! Sorry Maria.... was it Mama C. who left those bottles in the freezer?? What an idiot!!
You guys are assholes. I think my analogy works perfectly. It was all for shits and giggles (so to speak) but why don't we poke fun at her anyway??? It's ok, she's just a girl, she doesn't have feelings!!
If you wanna test my theory though, drink a whole bunch of Perrier and go sit the freezer overnight. I'll be there with my camera and broom. Jerks.
I am such a proud papa.
I couldn't be prouder. I knew that Perrier incident would stay in the family lore for generations! I still say the bubbles helped make the bottles explode, but then I passed Science 436 with flying colours, so what do I know?
BTW, you guys are so manly it's sickening, with your 'not-pissing' contests. Please think of something more intellectually challenging and get back to us!
Oh, btw, Blobbele, what happened to the "r" in "your" on your little illustration? I guess you were just short on space. Just curious.
A lot of people think "shits and giggles" comes
from those repugnant Austin Powers movies, but
its first appearance dates back to Chaucer's "The
Book of the Duchess", actually. [it was written
"shittes and guiglles", and God only knows how
it was pronounced back then]
Troy Huber
PS - Sheryl, if you're reading this, please call me
or email me or just come over. Don't be angry with me, I didn't know.
Troy, you have to plug her in first.
Wow!! Is it everybody's period today or just mine? A blanket apology to all for my rudeness, sexism, smugness, shoddy workmanship and overall snarky demeanor. Let's stop all this bickering, pull together, and root for a Pittsburgh - Montreal semi-final.
It's funny you should mention my period; I told you about my urine retention program [URP]. I've been
holding it every month for 28 days or so - then finally
letting it all out, peeing with the force and fury of thousands of gulls [better metaphor on its way].
Anyway, I'm right at the end of my retention cycle [RC]
so it's no wonder I'm a little bitchy.
But yeah, go Pens, go Habs, go Flyers. Whatever.
Troy Huber
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