There's Gold in Them There Hills

....and it's black gold too but not the Texas Tea variety spoken of in the Beverly Hillbillies title song. I'm talkin' Montreal Silt and if you hear me out you'll be smacking your forehead and asking yourself "why didn't I think of that??" any minute now.

After a near record breaking winter, Montreal is still riddled with massive piles of snow and ice that cling tenaciously to our lawns and parking areas despite the recent spate of good weather. These are not the pristine, fluffy, alabaster heaps of January but rather the gray and dingy afterbirth, the quasi-corpse of a once healthy season waiting to be put out of its misery by the April sun. As the hills melt and shrink the gray turns to black as the crust of sediment condenses and this is where I come in!!

Listen up: Salt is used to reduce inflammation and leech out toxins from the body, carbon has well known curative properties, and any good exfoliant will have it's fair share of silicates. Throw in a few trace elements (and animal byproducts), add a bit of spring water, package it all handsomely et voila......a facial mud treatment for the home that can rival any available at even the finest spa!! Road salt, sand, and sludge that endure weeks of the freeze thaw cycle and a healthy dose of solar radiation are magically transformed into a top of the line health and beauty product!!

(warning: may cause tuberculosis....will probably cause typhus. Women whose breasts start to enlarge should immediately call a doctor, or me. Not for use on badgers or other members of the mustelidae family. May contain car and/or truck. If a persistent, burning rash appears on the area of application don't be alarmed...the product is working! Should not come in contact with the mucous membranes...ironically though, it may contain mucous......probably hobo mucous)

Tomorrow is set aside for harvesting the precious silt. I'll set out early with various spatulas and skimming tools and a van stocked with empty pails waiting to be filled to the brim. Once home I'll start loading the miracle mud into designer containers and while this product should market itself I'll still be looking for a spokesmodel just to be on the safe side. To date I've only had one application......if any of you out there are interested don't be shy...give me a shout.

While I may be the very 1st to market the stuff, a few locals have known about it for years....ever wonder why the women of St. Hyacinthe look so good???? And rumor has it that Celine Dion had a fresh vat of it flown to Vegas every week to share with her staff and give facials to the homeless (bless her heart).

Use Neige Noir der Montreal because let's face it...you could use a little help.