For Shame!!

I guess it's back to some music, tits, and ass (those Colombians sure can shake it) seeing as my attempt at getting a political discussion going went nowhere as did the bit of consciousness

raising concerning the plight of short men. That last post engendered only one terse and heightist comment from what appears to be a bitter but clever young woman. "Death to shorties" she wrote. I can only hope my dentist doesn't see that!!

I tried to elevate the tone a bit trying to keep The Blob from becoming the hornyboys club for which certain readers seem to clamor but the virtual silence speaks volumes.

My woman readers, given a chance to speak out about their perceived bias, have tacitly said all that needs to be said (save for the aforementioned bleak girl who managed to type 3 measly words while taking a break between sulking and pouting) and all this leaves me standing alone at a crossroads. Do I cave and turn The Blob into just another porn site...(that's a rhetorical question Dixxx!!)

or do I try to maintain my rigorous standards of disciplined commentary.



Despîte what my readers seem to be telling me I will remain steadfastly on the high road...peer pressure be damned!!! What better way to end the month in style than with a poem that will sum up my experiences of this past January:



The Blob, most adept at percussion

Went on tour with Turovsky*, the Russian

Despite great success

His life was a mess

Because of a mild concussion



*(yuli turovsky, artistic director of I Musici)



See...no prurient interest, just good clean , rigorously disciplined fun.

Let's go a step further. While the limerick has it's constraints of form the haiku with it's 3 lines is more limiting. I propose a new form; the Sextima, that contains the word sex to satisfy my more juvenile readers (sex as in the number 6 though) and consists of 6 lines, each one syllable long. This is the poetic equivalent of being corseted, hogtied, and having one of those ball things in your mouth. Here's an example:



On A Life Well Lived



Do

good

Have

kids

Eat

kale



That wasn't so bad was it??? We can have poetry here every friggin day if I feel like it!! Here, how do you like this cheery number by Mary Barnard??



Had enough yet....I'm just getting warmed up....we can be here alllll night.
How about some Keats or Yeats???
oops...gotta go, the muffins are ready but as you've no doubt noticed things can change around here in the blink of an eye!! The ball is in your court.

The Prejudice That Stands on Pointed Toe, Sticks its Head Above the Countertop, yet Dares not Speak its Name

Is heightism against men the last acceptable prejudice? The more I think about it the more I have to lean towards the affirmative especially since it's no longer OK to diss fat women what with the Dove Soap campaign and the fact that in North America at least 37% of the electorate is overweight and female. Award winning filmmaker Howard Golderg, Ina Fichman (his wife and the film's producer) and Instinct Films have bravely tackled this subject in a doc titled S&M: Short and Male

I've yet to see the movie other than a few YouTube clips such as the one above but the bright, articulate, and successful man who addresses the audience right off the bat is none other than my dentist!! (I kid you not) He has a twin brother, (also a dentist), and they share an office together. Their late father (also a dentist) used to be my dentist and was a good friend of my father (also a dentist).

Anyways, long story short, I was at a party 2 summers ago and the filmmakers were there. The subject of this potential documentary came up and immediately I thought of the twins. Now I'm not really friends with my dentist (although some of my best friends are short men) and the subject of his stature never came up during one of my teeth cleaning sessions so giving his name to the producer's secretary was a bit of a risk...maybe he'd be insulted. Whatever his possible reservations were he agreed to meet with director Goldberg, as luck would have it right after one of my appointments. Luckily he'd come to terms with it by then, you don't want to piss off a guy who's holding an electric drill in your mouth!! (see Marathon Man - 1976)

Bottom line: the film should be a hit and the twins are gold!!

I may not get a credit but as a talent scout maybe I deserve one.

And to my brave and self-effacing dentist perhaps an Oscar for best documentary short subject would be most appropriate.

Maid in France

Mama C writes:

Are you guys too shy to give compliments or do you only notice women's clothing when it's miniscule, black and comes with a matching frilly, white cap?

This comment was in reference to the "Hillary as maid" photo from a couple of days ago. I don't know why men respond so readily to that costume but the french maid has probably been a sexual icon since the early days of Burlesque and maybe even Commedia del Arte. The power of the image may have something to do with the subservient position of the housekeeper as we wouldn't respond in a similar fashion to a woman dressed as pilot or cop.

As a rule I don't think that men are too shy to give out compliments to a woman based on her fashion choices or general appearance. This has to be done with care though, especially if the woman is married and her husband is nearby. People have been killed for less!

Besides...it's common knowledge that women go crazy for a man in uniform so what's good for the goose is good for the gander and when it comes to an attractive woman in a maid outfit gander I will. Lest I be accused of sexism I think this is a good time to display a photo of iconic images of men so my women readers will have something to ogle and fantasize over. Don't say I'm not evenhanded!!

It's Official: Clinton Wins Blob Endorsement!!

After a lot of late night soul searching followed by some early morning coin flipping The Blob is today officially voicing its support for Hillary Rodham Clinton to be the democratic nominee in the upcoming US presidential election.

While I admire Barack Obama and would be happy if he won I see Clinton as the underdog and feel that my endorsement would be more appreciated by her camp...after all, Obama already has Oprah.

I think that Americans, especially in a time of war, would be far less willing to have a woman commander in chief than a Black man and this is a sensitive subject that has yet to be broached.

Rest assured though that the Republicans will be stoking fears and casting doubt on a woman's ability to lead the most powerful nation on earth's armed forces and to make the tough and timely decisions. They will invoke her passivity re: her marital woes and resort to all manner of dirty tricks but Hillary can head them off at the pass.........and I can help!!

First she has to start shooting up with steroids, under a physician's care of course. Then she has to start hiring me to secretly release photos to the press. Reticent voters will realize once and for all that Ms. Clinton has the "cojones" for the job and I may end up with a cabinet position...everybody goes home happy!! (I think I'd like to be under-secretary)

I also believe that if Ms. Clinton faces off against the Republicans it will be one of the nastiest, most vitriolic campaigns in history and if she wins, the combination of pre-existing Clinton loathing and sexism will give us at least 4 years of vein popping hatemongering by right wing pundits. (FUN!!!)

It's high time for an African American president but as they say:

"(first)Ladies first". Barack will be more than ready next time around and besides, Hillary is almost Black herself...here, take a look at this video clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsLHxja43iY&NR=1watch?v=CsLHxja43iY&NR=1

with apologies to Britney Spears

and her vagina

Ready or Not?

I ask this question sitting here in Canada but as a dual citizen with an American passport as well. Straddling the border as I do gives me a vested interest in both countries and is never a source of discomfort (save for the occasional bout of testicular numbness).
This particular U.S. election is interesting even for those of us who couldn't give a crap because the democrats are finally fielding some decent candidates and the national conventions to be held later this year may not be the tedious coronations that they've become of late. We may see a lot of machinations, back room deals, and last minute changes of fortune for both parties. Who knows...we may even get to see the cops club, taser, and/or pepper spray some anarchists, aging hippies, and/or anti-war activists just like in the good old days.
The real interest though lies in Obama and Clinton and to a lesser extent Romney, not because he's a Mormon but because it would be cool to have a president named Mitt.
That race and gender are such a huge deal is a real eye opener (but not really unexpected). I for one don't have a prejudiced bone in my body although some of my connective tissue acts up around the Lebanese and I despise all racists....(especially the Chinese ones, who are the worst!!)
A potential 1st black man or white woman president means that the question "Is America ready?" has been heard ad nauseum and apparently without giving it's true meaning a second thought.
Just off the top of my head I can name Israel, Finland, Liberia, Germany, the Phillipines, Pakistan, Canada (albeit for 17 minutes), India, Argentina, and Great Britain as countries who've been led by women and there's been the occasional Black African leader who has proven to be a great and inspirational man rather than a murderous and greedy despot with solid gold bathroom fixtures.
The real story here is that in the great equal opportunity, melting pot to the south they are still gnashing their teeth over this. Every journalist and pundit who asks "Is America ready?" should realize that what they are really saying is "Yes we are a racist and sexist nation but now we get to find out to what degree."
While the picture above features the 2 leading Dems in traditional roles that most Americans are more comfortable with I'm more troubled by a question that keeps popping into my head; Is it wrong to fantasize about Hillary in a French maid costume?

Too Funke in Here

January 17th was a special day here at The Blob (and no....not just because of my triumphant return from Colombia) While I've been slow to respond that shouldn't overshadow the fact that I was elated to see a comment from one Dr. Tobias Funke, a wonderful, fictitious character from the sitcom Arrested Development.

Anyone who's familiar with the show knows that Tobias is a failed actor and Analyst-Therapist or AnalRapist, an oblivious loser, blithely closeted although married to a gorgeous woman. To the show's credit they didn't go the clichéd route by making him a single man, no GF, fatidious, artsy, houseplant loving type.

At any rate it was great to have him contribute to my little site...quite an honour!!

While we're on the subject of American TV it's nice to see the Colbert Report back in action despite the writers strike.

While researching an earlier post that included a link to Knut the Polar bear I found and intersting tidbit about Colbert and his faux master, right wing bully Bill O'Reilly (whom he refers to as Papa Bear). Colbert routinely rants against bears, (yes the animal) and it's ludicrous but very funny. Little did I know that he was borrowing from O'Reilly who has a serious issue with our ursine friends.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYC3fngxmfg

O'Reilly was also accused of sexual harrassment and settled before it ever went to trial. Somebody turned the transcript into a verbatim oratorio so the truth is immortalized in words and music......he is a bully and a perv. (and a liar and a hypocrite while I'm at it)

You can read what he said here: http://www.mackrisvoreilly.com/libretto.html

....and while we're on the subject of bears it's true that adorable little Knut may be part of an endangered species but another kind of polar bear is thriving here in Canada. I think Tobias Funke would approve. Here's a pic and a little musical tribute(funky of course)....that's enough mindless rambling for one day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIGsSLCoIhM

Man with too much time on his hands and a brilliant idea seeking investors.

Finally...my ticket out of this joint. An idea so fabulous that I hesitate to share it with you all.

Yesterday, sitting in a lounge area during a break between two rehearsals I couldn't help but notice that many of my colleagues, whether already eating or busy warming up leftovers in the microwave, were hacking and spuming to beat the band. I too have a cold and many of us who went to Colombia for the music festival came home with a virus. It could have been the close confines of the airplane or the impromptu group sex on the night of January 13th but whatever the case we were sick!

I observed as we ate, sniffled, drank, and coughed and then the light bulb moment, the Eureka!! I've been waiting for. Within minutes I'd already conceived of the ad campaign and if I can clear a few governmental hurdles then easy street is just around the corner!!

The concept in a nutshell is to combine medicine and food (I'm sure the Chinese have been doing it for years without telling us, but anyways...) with a slogan like: "Health food just got healthier!!" or something to that effect. We'd start naturally with a line of soups and here's the proposed 1st ad:
















There are other flavor/drug combinations in the works but I'm not really at liberty to divulge....OK just this one, how about Viagra Noodle with the tag line: "Call a doctor if lunch lasts more than 4 hours!!"


Also Cream of Accutane, Botox Bisque, Erythromycin with Portobello Mushroom etc.

Like it says in the header I'm looking for investors so if you want in on the ground floor just say the word and send cash. (lots of cash)

Tastelessness in Advertising

I came across this appalling ad yesterday but couldn't stop myself from making a side trip to the nearest Mac's (Provisoir in Quebec) convenience store hoping to get a free Dreamsicle brand icecream bar on Martin Luther King day.
Advertising, even bad advertising and often especially bad advertising works otherwise companies wouldn't be spending billions a year trying to coax us into buying their wares with often false or exaggerated claims. I have to rush off to work now otherwise I'd pontificate a bit more and remember:

Read The Blob and other people will love you more!!!

Do You Know your Facebook from your Assbook?

As far as I'm concerned my Facebook is my Assbook. This social networking site has become a minor blight on my existence and even though I fulfilled my New Year's resolution and cleaned up my Assbook (I mean facebook) profile page the mess keeps proliferating and people (perhaps well meaning) whom I don't even know keep inviting me to be their friend.

To be charitable these sites facilitate communication with friends, help perpetuate the Girls Gone Wild phenomenon, and provide an easy way to stalk former lovers without ever having to leave your living room, get in your car, circle their house a few times before getting up the nerve to check their mail, go through their recycling box etc. (if that's your thing). That's it for the upside, after that it's all a downward spiral of useless, pathetic forced whimsy and mindless "applications" or "apps": those bizarre add-ons that are forced upon us by people who couldn't be more desperate for manufactured fun.

Remember Tamagotchis, Pet Rocks, Mood Rings, Testicle Clamps and a host of other short lived fads? Well in a year or two we'll be looking back at Facebook and My Space (which I believe is some sort of site for people to advertise the crappy bands they're in) with bewildered nostalgia....."Remember those stupid snowball fight apps or the cyber gardens?? Yeah...and giving people gifts that were just little pictures or biting them to make them into a zombie?? My Lord what were we thinking??!!"

I'm thinking of starting a Facebook Sucks club just to see if it's accepted by this supposed bastion of true democracy. I'm tired of being made to feel like a schmuck if I don't accept the friendship request of somebody I barely know. I'm tired of relenting and then having these minor acquaintances inflict their YouTube choices and ironic top 10 lists upon me as the clutter and pollution of unfunny cyber jokes and cute cat videos turns my profile page into a larger quagmire of mindlessness than it already is. I'm so tired in fact that earlier today I excised one of these non-friends from my list and I'm prepared to suffer the consequences. Already people are looking at me with disdain...first at the mall and then at Tim Horton's. They know!!

Now I feel like shit....maybe I'll invite her back, but those cute videos...and the neediness!! Aww, what the hell, welcome back Claudette!!

Hey...who posted this video??!!

Where to Begin??

Another January Blob hiatus has come to an end and I've returned from Colombia once again having successfully avoided being conned into becoming a coke mule.

The music festival (the reason I was there) was a hit as was my carefully nurtured tan. By the end the locals referred to me only as "El Caramelo" and even those travelling with our entourage were impressed. Back here in Montréal my usual pastiness will soon return as I reconnect with my true self and achieve, once again, wan-ness with the universe

I kept to a strict regimen of 20-30 MPS (minutes per side) as discussed in an earlier post but because of an unfortunate oversight didn't get the overall tan that I'd hoped for. Being of husky build I forgot that that I actually have four sides and have come home with a whitish stripe down each side of my torso (The Oreo Effect as my GF so lovingly puts it). Turning back-side-front-side would become a tiresome and uncomfortable ordeal....it's already hard enough making the 180 degree flip once every 30 minutes!! Let's get serious here, there has to be a better way...and there is!!

Tanco Industries Ltd. of Redondo beach, CA has come out with a great new product that effectively puts the kaibosh on the Oreo Effect once and for all .

Rosie O'Donnell's Round 'n' Brown Beach Rotisserie is a wonderful new product that you can order through The Blob's catalogue service.

Order within the next 15 minutes and get a free Accessory Kit that includes a spray mister, baster, and dip-mop to soak up and reapply the precious, coconut oil infused drippings.

If only I'd had one of these babies down Cartagena way!!

A special thank you to all Blobophiles for your patience and forbearance. These were trying times for all of us. There were many occasions during the past 2 weeks when I longed to be in my cold studio typing away furiously about some inane subject for the momentary amusement of a handful of bored people even as I luxuriated poolside with a frosty pina colada amidst a bounty of thong wearing Jennifer Lopez types.

Well....I'm back(phew)....keep those cards and letters coming!

Mi Diahria di Cartagena....Enero 2008

Hola Amigos y Amigas de El Blob,

While the hi tech Blob postings are now on hiatus I still can do an old fashioned diary style blog every once in a while so pardon me as I now inflict this upon you:

Tan Update

• Day 1- perfect conditions as always, 15 minutes per side (MPS), little if any noticeable change in skin tone.
• Day 2- 20 MPS, base coat coming along nicely, pinkish hue detected (somewhere between bologna and black forest ham)
• Day 3- Went out earlier than normal (11:30) and did almost 30 MPS. Given the earth's midday inclination in relation to the solar rays the effect was somewhat stronger than expected. Noticeable corporeal redness accompanied by radiating waves of warmth across the upper back. Only minor discomfort....bullet successfully dodged.
• Day 4- medically recommended fallow period.

There is a documentary film maker here with us and I pitched an idea that may just have wings.

There are lots of these miniscule lizards here called geckos. My idea is a litle piece called The Gecko Hunter (a la Steve Irwin, the late Crocodile Hunter) I could chase after a gecko, (we could just tie a piece of thread to a dead one and pull it allong the beach) and then jump on its back thereby wrestling it into submission. At that point my 2 burly assistants would run in with rope and vigorously bind it for our further protection. When I got up there would only be a smudge on the beach and on my shirt, (possibly a mixture of ketchup and relish).

more later...maybe.

...and Furthermore....

Mama C said...

Maria better not take your advice and give up practicing and go on the road. Heaven forbid I should read a review that compares her to Steph Carse or Celine Dion!

This is of course in reference to Mama C's daughter and much loved Blob contributor Maria Callous.

Now I love classical music as much as the next guy or gal but these days it's little more than a delicious fruit that's being allowed to wither and dry on the vine. Maria has what it takes to be a star and pull in the big bucks so by all means let her sing something from La Sonambula or La Traviata but please.... add a synth and a peppy back beat.

Any young, attractive singer today of either sex should be encouraged to follow my advice. Today's classical-crossover consumer is typically an aging baby boomer who wants to appear cultured as he/she matures into his/her golden years so here's the formula for success: rockify some classical standards, classicize-up some pop golden oldies and hit the road. Soon enough you'll be opening for Helmut Lotti then you'll get your own record deal, a PBS special and if you're not careful an STD from one of your many admirers who survived the sexual revolution.

Today's young singer (along with the rest of their generation) needs a little more get up and go and a lot more marketing savvy. I ask you Mama C. would it be so bad to see your daughter gracing a popular semi-classical, pseudo-pop schlock CD in a year or two?

Just the One More Thing

Have you ever heard a frog trying to croak while its being crushed by a python? Probably not but Steph Carse does a really good impression!! "Who is he and why should we care?" you ask. Its actually a rather important issue for those who want to nip a male version of Celine Dion in the bud.
He's a local wannabe superstar with a large ego, small, swooping voice, and a studied, histrionic stage manner. He's done Vegas, has some videos out and has had one local Quebec hit (the french version of Achey Breaky Heart) but it looks like he has his heart and mind set on bigger and better things. We must act now before it's too late. Write your member of parliament, load up on ammunition, anything!!
I and several other Blobophiles are involved in a New Year's days concert where Mr. Carse's management has somehow swung a deal that allows him to sing 2 songs one of which is the Puccini fave Nessum Dorma. This is a Viennese concert BTW...Strauss, Lehar, etc. Nessum Dorma is from an Italian opera about China but it has those beloved high notes (albeit taken down a tone but SHHHH it's a secret)
He screwed it up a couple of time in rehearsal and it got to the point where the show's real tenor left the room, ran off to the bathroom and started warming up the aria...just in case (true story).
When we finally got through the whole tune the conductor asked Mr. Carse if he needed to run it again. "No" replied the pompous piece of fluff in a cocky and dismissive tone "I've already recorded this"
Anyways, enjoy the clip I've provided as evidence (listen carefully at 54 seconds...that's the moment where the frog actually dies). On with the show!!

2008 is Here: Let's Get This Show on the Road!!

As a word of warning I should just say that I'll be in Cartagena, Colombia from Jan. 2nd to the 15th so don't be lookin' for many (or any) posts for the next two weeks. If you really need me I'll be somewhere in the vast Hilton complex pictured at left relaxing and ogling the lush tropical scenery between gigs (it is after all a working vacation).

This is the 333rd Blob post and I dare say that few of my readers have familiarized themselves with my entire oeuvre. Think of the 1st half of January as catch-up time where you can go back into the archives at your leisure and see what you missed. As The Blob is by and large sequential and self-referential you may enjoy seeing the 1st appearance of a Turd Stuffington say or an early offering from author David Jerome.

For those new to this site here are a few pointers:

• Click on the headline of an individual post to see it along with all its comments.
• A given page has the most recent post at the top. You may want to scroll down and start from the bottom to see if there are any pertinent lead-ins to those above.
• Don't forget to click on the links that pop up from time to time.
• If I say something is true (i.e. increased Arab readership due to rumored Jewish porn on this site) then it is.
• The comment section is democracy in action. A free spirited, free wheeling, free for all where almost anybody can say almost anything they want. Feel free to sign up (a simple procedure) and dive in.
• I receive all comments in my email so even if you write something related to a post from long ago I'll still get it.
• Even though Oprah calls a vagina a va-jay-jay that word is strictly forbidden here!!!
• Every time you read something on this site that makes you laugh put a nickel in a so called Blob Jar and at the end of the year I'll send a couple of the boys by on a collection run...you don't want to upset the boys.
• I've decided that watching snow slide down onto your windshield from the car roof after you come to a stop is one of the great joys of winter...it is to be called a travelanche. Tell others.
• Demographers and trend watchers predict that The Blob will have an exponential explosion of readers in 2008. See what you can do to make this come to pass.
• Please shovel my driveway if need be while I'm away.
• bye