Bin Laden's Cover Blown!!!

THIS + THIS = THIS


Mel Gibson is smart, rich, anti-semitic and a raving lunatic. Osama Bin laden is smart, rich, anti-semitic, a raving lunatic, and DEAD; killed by American forces in Afghanistan a few years back. Of course Bin Laden is worth more alive than dead to the U.S. who need the spectre of a bogeyman to prop up their war effort....cue Mel Gibson. The noted zealot was more than ready to heed the call of his government and has written, directed, and produced the 1/2 dozen or so propaganda videos that feature Osama (who no one has seen alive of course, or together with Mel Gibson for that matter!) A few bucks, a little Hollywood CGI magic and voila...the world's most feared terrorist on your TV. It was all quite ingenious actually and had been seamlessly realized until Gibson's drunken, "blame-the-jews-for-everything" tirade blew the cover off the whole operation. With the Gibson/Bin Laden facade out of the way U.S. public support for the war will shrivel and the troops should be home within the month. Look for them to be redeployed quickly to oust the Iranian dictator Amahdinedjan which will have the added benefit of removing the key source of funding for Hezbollah who will then have no choice but to disband. Peace at last in the Middle East....nice move Mel!!

Only in Japan

Check out this video from Japan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGbewHT7zKU It's the real deal and is both educational and extremely Japanese. The young boy in the live action sequence does well but his acting is a little forced.

Priddis...the Final Days

I've been working as a farmhand here for the last few days carting around tons of rock and clay for various projects that Phyllis has. My exhaustion, both physical and mental, is almost total and the Blob has suffered. Dixxx innately sensed this and came through with the ox smoothie recipe and today the best I can offer in my beleaguered state is a brief look at what may be a big hit for CBS in the new fall TV line-up. Check it out!

Jeff Probst is back with 16 new contestants. Competition heats up as the Survivors vie for a defense lawyer and compete in civil rights reward challenges. CBS is betting that the all Arab and male cast will pull in viewers. Tune in Thursdays at 8p.m.EDT to catch the action and intrigue.

Capitalism on the March

Another day, another new sponsor!!

Doctors Without Boundaries

As we all know there are quite a few North American doctors who despite their wealth of experience, their expertise, and their willingness to serve the public have been prohibited from practicing because of some so-called "unprofessional indiscretions". Taking a cue from other such organizations I, Dr. Harris DeYoung, (pictured 2nd from right) have founded "Doctors Without Boundaries". In what I feel is an elegant solution to a long standing problem my group of highly trained medical practitioners will be able to ply their trades overseas without fear of further legal action. For example, if one of our doctors was combatting diptheria in a remote Pakistani village and his penis were to accidentally slip out from beneath his lab coat life would go on and the people, unsullied by ravenous lawyers, would be only overjoyed with the improved health care.
Here are a few testimonials:

"The good doctors helped us to fight AIDS with a demonstration of condom usage that I'm sure the youngsters will never forget! Thank you Doctors Without Boundaries!!"
Surimar Hatakthinakapron - Thailand

"The women of our village have little knowledge of Western medical practices but general anesthaesia for private gynecological exams only makes sense....especially as described by the wonderful men of DWB. We thank the Gods for your help!!"
Mbuto Seke Loko'nele - The Serengeti

"Here is a picture that my son Nyomahn drew. We hope it will win your greeting card contest and thank you again for saving my child. May the Gods grant you 1,000 lives!!"
Ni Ketut Suweca - Bali

If you're interested in supporting us or if you're a doctor in need of a fresh start please contact us.

Back on Course

I'm just back from hand delivering a 1/2 dozen bagels to my courrier in Innisfail, Alberta. She in turn has by now handed them over to frequent contributor and popularizer of the wrist job (see 6/12/2006); Espionnage Elle, thereby fulfilling a promise I made not too long ago.
Being away for the last few days afforded me some quiet time where I could reflect upon the content of the Blob. Given the cries of "really poor taste" that have been flooding in I guess it was high time (once again) that I take a closer look at my output and what I saw was disheartening to say the least: postings that ranged from the juvenile to the scatalogical and a general low-brow, fratboy, feel. I've deviated from my mission statement and for that I must apologize and attempt to right the ship of taste and focus once again upon my initial goals which were threefold: to educate, entertain, and above all to educate.
Let's begin anew then with the Blob Book Club Pick o'th' Month. I've chosen a book with my female readers in mind but I can attest to its universal appeal. It's a mature, romantic novel in the grand tradition of Emily Bronte's "Wuthering Heights" and in fact it's been penned by her great-great grandson Gus. It's a great read, a blast in fact, with passages that were so powerful that at times I found it hard to breathe. Let me know what you think.

Sabotage

I'll be away from civilization for a few days (Innisfail, Alberta) and had a long post almost ready and loaded when Phyllis interceded to write an email an then inadvertantly turned off the computer (despite ample warning) thereby erasing everything!! It could've been a subconscious act of sabotage but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Besides anything I have to say can wait a couple days or even many more. Back in a few......

7-11 2006 The Evidence

These are the hail induced welts that later turned to bruises. Not a pretty sight, I admit, but a testament to the power of nature and to the stupidity of those who would ignore it.


















Behold....the front deck after the onslaught.

New Sponsor Alert

The Blob is overjoyed to have the great folks at HEMO on board. Expenses have been creeping up and Munson's Beveled Ham has slashed its advertising budget so this couldn't have come at a better time. As with all my sponsors I wholeheartedly stand by this product... (but not too close).

The BLOB: Putting the malaise back in Malaysia

If you've checked the comments on the Durian post you'll know that Dixxx has come to the defense of God once again:

"This is obviously a cruel joke thought up by Buddha and propagated upon the rest of the world by the black hearted peoples of South Asia. In my mind I can still hear the Malaysian waiter giggling as he delivered that vile ort to my table."

Well wouldn't you know it...this morning I received, by way of diplomatic courrier, a message from the Malaysian ambassador to Canada, the right honourable Amahd Rasidi Hazzi. Does that name sound familiar??.... that's right...the very same Hazzi who's brother is head of the Southeast Asia Trade Association!! What follows are selected excerpts from the letter:

From the Office of the Right Honourable Malaysian Ambassador

My Dear Blob,
One of my staffers who monitors the internet for mentions of the great nation of Malaysia reported to my office this morning in a most agitated state. A posting on your blog by someone calling himself Dixxx besmirched our national fruit and principal export, the durian. He went on to cast aspersions upon the Buddha (17% of our population is Buddhist and will be freed from the camps when the time is right) , a patriotic waiter and the people of Southeast Asia. As you well know the internet is available to hundreds of millions of people worldwide. Such slanderous rubbish can only serve to sully the reputation of the Malaysian state and its proud citizens. As such no durians or durian related products will be exported to Canada until the embassy in Ottawa recieves an apology in writing from the so called Dixxx. This ban takes effect immediately!
On a more personal note I wish you continued success with your Blog. I've been enjoying it daily and in particular found the "ytterbium" material most amusing. Strangely enough, Michaelle Jean doesn't return my calls. What am I doing wrong??
May peace be with you and may this conflict find a hasty resolution,
Amahd Rasidi Hazzi

Well Dixxx, try to sit on that apology for a long as you can. A durian free summer sounds kinda nice and with the heat wave in Montreal I figure Chinatown can only smell better without boxes of those Godforsaken fruits befouling the streets. We've gotten haggis banned from our shores and almost succeeded in ridding ourselves of many of the runnier, smellier cheeses from France. Congrats on a job well done. That being said I don't believe that Buddha was responsible for the durian and that God exists but is beyond blame. Are you espousing polytheism?? Dixxxx...say it ain't so!!!

All Trussed Up ( and nowhere to go) (except up) (and eventually down)(because of the gravity)

It looks like the Middle East is about to explode once again and this time we may all end up dodging the shrapnel. What better time then for us to take a look at the lighter side of today's news in a section I like to call TRENDSPOTTING WITH BLOB.
It seems as though its getting harder and harder for any of us to come up with a new angle on having fun. With extreme sports booming and the Guinness book of Records becoming a growth industry its almost impossible to carve out an original niche. Which leads us to Karl Sigmunthaller and Dr. Myron Blaustein.......two of the unlikeliest daredevils you'll ever meet! After being introduced to each other some months ago at their local hang gliding club near Blaine, Washington the pair soon realized they were kindred spirits. "Karl is a complete nut and my kinda guy" says Dr. Myron. "We wanted to do something new and the subject of the mile high club came up. As far as we knew gay sex had never been attempted on a hang glider before so I was very enthusiastic..... as long as I could be the top. The crazy thing is, neither of us are gay but the idea was just too appealing!!" After some planning and a couple of dry runs the big day was upon them. All the standard safety precautions were taken and their regulation suits were slightly modified to include velcro flaps over Blaustein's crotch and Sigmunthaller's anus. "I don't usually fly commando but it made life a helluva lot easier just this once!" chimed in an enthusiastic Myron. When asked about the choice of gay sex vs. straight Karl paused a moment and then admitted that they tried to find female partners at first but soon realized after some research that only gay sex had yet to be attempted in this way. "At that point it was a no brainer" he added. Once the Guinness people were notified the stage was set. Blaustein, ever the jokester, spoke excitedly of "Throwing coition to the wind" and off they went. Half an hour later it was all over. Their names firmly ensconced in the record books the adventurous twosome relived their exploits over a cold beer; "All told it was an exhilarating experience and, as the bottom, a bit less painful than I'd feared" said Sigmunthaller. "You'd have ripped me to shreds Siggy!" clucked the excited orthopedist, still on cloud nine from the afternoon's exploits. Whether or not this is a trend that catches on remains to be seen but for these two at least the phrase "gay sex while hang gliding" will always have a special meaning.

Rogue Fruit Belies God's Existence!!

In an astonishing turnabout, the Society of Atheists Touting Anti-religious Naturalism or SATAN has issued a press release bestowing the title "Believer's Worst Nightmare" upon the Durian (Pictured at left... see 6/01/2006). This tropical fruit, little known in the west outside of China Town is beloved for its complex flavour, the custardy smoothness of its fleshy inner pods, and its reknowned aphrodisiac qualities. Then there are the negatives: A smell so pungent( described as a combination of rotting fish, limburger cheese, and the NYC subway system) that it's illegal to bring them on planes in Singapore, its razor sharp, rock hard exterior that can only be opened with an axe and its annoying habit of killing people by falling on them. More people are killed annually by falling durians then by all other fruit combined! (with the exception of the notorious exploding fig of Abu Dhabi)
What kind of God would produce such a delicious, foul smelling and dangerous food? Is he a cruel hoaxster?....not likely. Maybe the Earth wasn't designed for us after all. A simple twist of fate and our species lucks out in the evolutionary arms race and attains dominion over the planet instead of a race of hyper-evolved avocados . Until next time I'll be back on the agnostic fence, perched proudly, and enjoying a nice bowl of guacamole.

Adventures at Death's Door with Phyllis - Further Proof of God's Existence

It's not often that I use the Blob as a public diary but the events of a couple of days ago go hand in hand with an earlier post where God's existence was proven. Whereas the 1st post dealt with the benevolent God of the new testament who so loved us that he gave unto us the banana this post deals with the angry and vengeful God of the old testament who bade us heed his counsel lest we suffer unforetold consequences.
With the world cup final just finished Phyllis and I decided to go for a 20K bike ride but lo, the skies they did cloudeth over and an approaching darkness didst cover the earth. Thrice did I protest as the distant rumblings portended no good but my assertions fell upon deaf ears, so steadfast and foolhardy was Phyllis's resolve. 10 minutes then 20 we rode as the huge, black and low-lying nimbus bore down upon us and as the first drops fell Phyllis again ignored my entreaties insiting that the whole thing would blow over in 10 minutes. God had given us ample warning and we were about to feel his awful wrath.
I was some 50 cubits ahead of my cycling partner when the skies opened, lightning struck from all directions and the wind reached gale force. Still we rode until the lord visited upon us a plague much like the one sent to the disobedient Egyptians in Moses' day: Hail. Stinging hail whipped at great speeds, unrelenting, falling thickly and without cease for more than 15 minutes. When the pain became too much to bear I decided to save myself by running off to the roadside ditch and hiding in a thicket of pine trees...the thing you're not supposed to do during such a storm. I had no choice. The rain let up a bit and Phyllis and I emerged from the trees at the same time eventually leaving our bikes and getting a lift home from a passing samaritan as the hail and rain returned to full force.
We both were punished but it was the stubborn Phyllis who suffered more as the hail induced dozens of welts that covered much of her body and have now turned to bruises. This should serve as a lesson to us all....we must observe ALL of God's commandments, even the one about not biking during a storm (the little known Commandment 8.5a). 1st the banana video and now this....my agnosticism is being challenged.....how long can I ride the fence?

A New Feature on the Blob: COMA-CAM

In my continuing quest to provide interesting and informative content I'm pleased to announce this latest service which will be available 24/7. What looks like a still picture to the left is actually a live videocam feed from the Ben Gurion Hospital In Tel Aviv. I'm calling it the COMA-CAM and it will allow Blob visitors to check on the status of former Israeli P.M. Ariel Sharon at any time, night or day! He's completely immobile of course but if you're lucky you'll see a nurse come to change his I.V. hook up or re-arrange his bedding. If you're extra lucky you may be the 1st to see him move a toe or some other part of his now more svelte body. I believe this is a one-of-a-kind webcam and I'm proud to share it with you!

World Cup Recap

I like to think of the Blob as a site that is many things to seven people and one of these things is a forum for openly discussing our ideas and pet theories without fear of ridicule (unless the idea or theory is totally stupid). In that spirit I'd like to express my views on soccer and the world cup which is now a global phenomenon.
I've been an avid World Cup fan for years and was looking forward to this year's edition as I have for all the others. I've caught as many games as possible and have listened disapprovingly as U.S. sports talk pundits have trashed the spectacle. Well guess what (and I hate to admit this) I now think they're right! Yes, there have been a couple of compelling matches, skillful plays, and beautiful goals but not enough to balance out the shortcomings: predictable games (0-0 1st half, questionable call in the 2nd half that leads to a goal, leading team goes into a defensive posture, other team misses a golden chance and player clasps his head in shame), poor refereeing, faked injuries, and diving
Tell me if you've seen this before: An amazingly fit young soccer player gets hit in the shin by an opposing player's sock and spends several minutes writhing on the ground sorrounded by a concerned medical team. A stretcher is brought out and waits at the ready but is dispatched when miraculously the player lurches to his feet and 30 seconds later is prancing around like a friggin gazelle. I've been hit many times in the ankle with a flying puck and just kept on playing....I'm 47 and a Jew. These soccer pansies have NO excuse!
Then there are the refs who miss calls and make the wrong calls as a matter of course and generally have been dictating the flow of most of the games (if not the outcomes). The NHL playoffs KICK THE WORLD CUP'S ASS!!! Nevertheless I'll sit myself down in a couple of hours with the rest of the world and hope for a great game. I'm predicting a tight, low scoring affair(duh) with one team taking the lead midway throught the 2nd half only to be tied late off a questionably awarded penalty kick(double duh). The game will be decided in a shootout and France will win when an Italian star hits the crossbar and publicly disembowels himself. After the game zillions of people who know or care little about soccer will rush outside, honk their horns and wave flags. Remember.....you heard it here first!

Surviving Hornby - The Return of the Blob!

Espionage Elle said...
"Work has been especially painful with Blob away on vacation. Come back soon!"

You're right Elle, it wasn't really an anthropological expedition of discovery but a vacation, a simple camping trip with Phyllis and 15 members of her family including her 5 month old great niece and her 72 year old mother. I did a bit of observation and study....group dynamics, kinship bonds....that sort of thing. I was also able to take note of people's survival skills when pushed to the limit in a new and unfamiliar environment. I mean 17 people and only 1 lemon reamer, the daily right wing bias of the National Post, a complete lack of rain, 6 consecutive hot sunny days, and cool nights , a depleted stock of soft taco shells at the nearby co-op, having to lug driftwood from the nearby and expansive white sand beaches for our nightly campfires. All these hardships and more were overcome with nary a complaint uttered.
The dozens of Montreal bagels I'd brought along were consumed almost immediately after a bit of roasting on brother Carl's 3 burner nuclear/propane powered stove but don't despair.....I reserved a few back in Phyllis's freezer and am now working on a plan to get them to Edmonton and into your hands before they get eaten by the ravenous Jensen's.
As for the Blob the next 3 weeks should prove challenging as I'll be posting from Priddis, Alta. using a primitive dial-up modem. I may be able to throw in a photo here and there but any photoshop fun or web site links will have to wait. Think of it as Blob Lite.