When Nuns Go Bad

Italian Archbishop Closes Convent After Nuns Come to Blows

Sep 30 02:53 PM US/Eastern

A convent in southern Italy is being shut down after a quarrel among its last three remaining nuns ended in blows, press reports said Sunday.
Sisters Annamaria and Gianbattista, reportedly upset about their mother superior's authoritarian ways, scratched her in the face and threw her to the ground at Santa Clara convent near Bari in an incident in July that was kept quiet until now.

This story is appealing on many levels: the irony,the power struggle, the cat fighting by sexually repressed women but it came as no surprise to those familiar with the goings on at the now infamous convent. My sources in Bari tell me that rumors of debauchery have been swirling for years with tales of drinking, smoking, gambling on dog fights and even the creation of a paramilitary wing by the paranoid Mother superior.

Locals have pleaded with Archbishop Giovanni Battista Pichierri to keep the convent open. "Not much happens in Bari" said greengrocer Alvaro Vizzutti, "the nuns and their lewd ways give us something to talk about and they're good for business. Just last week Sister Antonia came in and ordered 120 bananas. I told her it's actually cheaper to order 144 and she says ``I guess we can always eat the other 24`` It doesn't get any better than that!!"

Alvaro also mentioned that he made 1000 lira at the weekly dog fight that the sisters operate. "They are very crafty" said constable Giuseppe Pandolfo, "The cat fights are one thing but these dog fights are always staged as a kind of parable, good vs. evil, the eternal struggle for our souls. Yes, there is gambling but the money is used for good which is not unlike the game of bingo in American churches, no?"

There is already talk that the World Wrestling Federation

has offered the sisters a contract but at press time this is yet to be confirmed. Reports from Hollywood suggest that the heady mix of religion and violence is the next potential project for well known Cathoholic Mel Gibson. Should he win an oscar it would be a magnificent tale of redemption after a dismal fall from grace. Jerry Bruckheimer is said to be interested in acquiring the rights.