I don't know how I let this slip by but Oct. 18th was World Menopause Day. I was alerted to this when I happened upon The View during a furious bout of channel surfing. It seems as though one of the hosts, Joy Behar, is this years celebrity spokeswoman and as such the lucky audience members all got free moisture wicking pyjamas (I kid you not!)
This new product actually dates back to the 60's when NASA was looking for a solution to the heat and perspiration generated by the cumbersome flight suits. This is just another example of how the space program benefits us all.....but back to menopause.
They say that in another 20 or so years there will be more than 1 billion women over the age of 50. The health issues that result from this change of life are important and the time for dialogue is now. While this clearly is a woman's problem in reality there is no such thing. The irritability and loss of libido associated with the ovaries shutting off hormone production (estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, provolone etc.) affect men significantly just as second hand smo
ke can kill non-smokers! Next year I promise to give all my readers a "heads up" as the big day approaches so we can all find a woman in passage and rub her with ice packs while we tell her how beautiful and vital she is. You may even want to buy her some special pj's.
ke can kill non-smokers! Next year I promise to give all my readers a "heads up" as the big day approaches so we can all find a woman in passage and rub her with ice packs while we tell her how beautiful and vital she is. You may even want to buy her some special pj's.
18 comments:
As fucking if. My mummy, your beloved Mrs. Party Bear, and I were just discussing this very issue today. The both of us this week have been dealing with the trials and tribulations of being a woman and all the bitching that it entails. Although our issues are different, they are from the same spiteful, remorseless, laughing-boy tree. I like to call this, "the cosmic joke". Although I don't believe it God, I believe that the universe is responsible for this horror show and I think it's a sick twisted joke that men will NEVER feel ANYTHING as close to what we deal with on a daily (or monthly) basis and will NEVER understand the creatures (sometimes monsters) around them. This is a sad fact but it's one I've had to live with for 9 grueling years now (my poor mum--34!!!). Believe me when I say that I am NOT looking forward to menopause or having children (YUCK!!!). So I salute my dear ol' mum and all the millions of baby boomers like her trying to combat the cosmic joke on our way to freedom. Don't forget, after the NASA pajamas comes NO pajamas every day of the month! In the meantime, I'm going back to my cranberry juice and giant box of ferrero rochers. Catch you on the flip side, bitches!
So THAT'S what you mean by the cosmic joke.(not ha-ha funny at all) My very own GF suffered at least 3 hours of excruciating, tear-inducing, cramps yesterday and fantasized about excising her own uterus with a nearby kitchen knife. This was how the joke played out in Alberta.
I guess the bottom line is that nobody ever said life was supposed to fair. Sure childbirth is a miracle but so was Canada's hockey victory against Russia in 1972 and the latter left no stretch marks. I was glad to observe both.
By virtue of being born male we have much less incidence of breast cancer and have none of the myriad of vaginal health issues that plague women. Sure you guys get to live 5 years longer than us but that's usually 5 years of wasting away in a home, drooling into a cup as a well-meaning social worker encourages you to craft something with popsicle sticks. I don't mind the early checkout.
Yes, as a man it's difficult to deal with a hormonally imbalanced menstruator but women have their hands full with men as well and we have no biological excuse (at least until they find the gene for immature piggishness).
Maria I feel for you but I'm happy to see that you're still fighting the good fight....cranberry juice to help stave off bladder infections (another womanly curse)and giant boxes of candy that in time will help keep men from approaching you.
BTW check out July 21, 2006 in the archives. You can sleep in the nude as often as you please with this useful product from one of my sponsors.
Blob,
I'm feeling a little low - been this way since Mel passed - I don't even know if I can still call the
Dek-tette a dek-tette without Mel.
But friends and family encourage me to stay
active and involved, so I figured I'd write you a short note.
Crocodile Dung D is a very good pun. Shirley [Bassey]
and I got a great laugh from that one. [honestly, do you pay your contributors to set you up so
you can hit 'em out of the park like that?]
The moisture wicking pajamas I was less crazy
about - but I bet the kids really enjoyed that one.
Anyway. Gotta go mope around the house [thinking about Mel, no doubt]
Marty
Maria, you sweet thing. I thank you for your kind thoughts and words. I like the cosmic joke concept. So apt. I really don't appreciate the kind of rotten fruit the remorseless, laughing-boy tree has left lying in my garden these days. Here's a typical example: I toss and turn for hours and finally fall asleep. Then I wake up sweltering, turn on my little fan I've set up for these emergencies and, just as I am almost back to sleep, I notice I'm freezing, which wakes me up again and at that point it's a crap shoot if I ever get back to sleep. If anyone has a cure for a serious case of hormonal insomnia, please, help me out here! I agree with the spirit of Maria's letter, as a woman, the fun never stops!
Poor Mama,
May I direct you to the following web page for holistic help with the hormonal insomnia: http://www.earthclinic.com/CURES/hot_flashes.html
You may thank me within a reasonable amount of time.
It's clear that God or the cosmos has given women the short end of the stick but he/it may have tried to even things out a bit. In my comparison of men and the opposite sex I included many negatives for the latter group. Some would argue that the whole childbirth adventure is a positive and that men will never know the joy and satisfaction of carrying a fetus to term, delivering it, feeding it from ones own sacrificed, body, nurturing it and developing a special bond and watching helplessly as it matures,leaves you, and eventually pays $100 an hour to complain about you to a psychologist.
I also overlooked the major cosmic consolation prize that has been tossed at women, namely the ability(at least on paper)to enjoy multiple orgasms. If I were a woman I'd gladly trade in that ability for the relatively easy ride that men enjoy and a single "O" followed by a good night's sleep.....HEY.....if the apple cider vinegar, soy milk, and turmeric don't work.........
Sorry mama. Since this blog is riddled with laughing boys who have no idea--nor do they care to understand--what you are going through (or what any of us go through on a daily basis (I'm really not a feminist, I promise!)) I'm thinking you won't find a heck of a lot of advice here. But, wait, now that I think of it.. surely we Women of the Blob have risen up to the point of equality (in terms of numbers of course) here in our little town of Bloblehem. I'd say in terms of regular writers we're about up to 4 against 4 aren't we? Bitchin. Bring it on, suckas!!
btw, those last thoughts were part of a tangent (!!!)... in case it wasn't clear.
slapper58 said...
Maria (ahem,ahem) I sense a certain disenchantment with men exacerbated perhaps by the so-called cosmic joke (with the bloating, discomfort, mood swings...) but I cannot sit idly by as you completely disregard the compassion that I've shown your poor mother and others in her situation. Did I not suggest ice pack rubdowns and kind words of support and encouragement??? Did I not direct her to the most helpful and best darn website that I could find??? Sure you commiserated with her but where were you and the other "Women of The Blob" when her call for help went out, WHERE I ask you??
My comportment in this delicate situation has been nothing short of exemplary and in a just universe would bump me up to the #1 spot of those waiting in line to inherit her hand once your Dad kicks off.
Your Mom complained of iron deficiency, well guess what's sitting in my freezer as I wait for the go ahead.....that's right....one pound of chicken livers waiting to be transformed into the cure all known as chopped liver, brimming with iron and schmalz!!
Maria, I empathize with the paradox you are living, your clouded vision and barely contained rage, jealous that we men have gotten a free pass while at the same time bemoaning the absence of a boy in your life.
Suffering from both penis envy and penis withdrawal at the same time must be such a bitch!
Normally under these circumstances I would be running away, hiding in shame and taking your insults way too seriously. But instead, I've decided to fire right back (so unlike me!). I actually wrote that post while you were writing yours, so you hadn't posted any helpful weblinks when I finally posted my post. Secondly, yes I'm going through a bitch of a time right now, but at least I don't have crazy women calling my house and waking me up at all hours of the night wanting phone sex from me (hah!), or worse, just wanting to talk (yuck). Lastly, I have to LIVE with that woman ok?? If anyone has lent her an ear and a shoulder to cry on, it's been ME! Now let's stop all this bickering and get down to some cheesecake!
Fair enough Maria (and I like you more when you fight back!!). I have no doubts that you've been there for your Mom. As for MY relationship I assume the crazy woman you refer to is Phyllis (she can defend herself) and phone sex while not the best type of sex has it's merits...clean up is a snap and you can watch the hockey game without hurting anyone's feelings.
Halloween approaches...did somebody say maple-pumpkin cheesecake??
You know, it's funny...I almost added a postscript about multiple orgasms! Yes, they do go a short way to easing the symptoms I described earlier (Maria, you can stick your fingers in your ears and go "AAAHHHH, I'm not HEARING you!!") but the fact is, that you can't have multiple orgasms ALL day; however you CAN have hot flashes any old time your body bally well feels like handing you one. At this point, I'd give a lot for one lousy orgasm and a good night's sleep! (But come to think of it, I wouldn't trade forever, Ha!)
Pouting, Cranky Mama C
P.S. I have another beef with the Cosmos: alcohol is clearly a trigger for hot flashes, therefore, no more Cosmos for this Mama...sniff.
Mama C the point is well taken. If women were off having orgasms all day nothing would ever get done. It's only through their sense of selflessness and dedication to family (perhaps numbness and lack of charged batteries as well) that this isn't a real option when fighting a chronic problem. In one of my earlier posts I wrote:
"I also overlooked the major cosmic consolation prize that has been tossed at women, namely the ability(at least on paper)to enjoy multiple orgasms."
I need you and anyone else for that matter to give me your opinion on that sentence. Did you take it to mean that women in general have the capacity for multiple orgasms but that not all of them can OR that I know of this biological phenomenon but have no experience with it. Phyllis took it to mean the latter and felt misrepresented, I meant the former, more general statement of fact. I in no way attempted to belittle Phyllis' prodigious achievements in this area. (You should see her trophy chest!!!!)
I'm with Phyllis.
OK Maria has voted and it's for Phyllis...let me just mark that on the tally sheet....
Poor Comprehension Skills: ONE
Basic Common Sense : ZERO
Blob,
Ths isn't the first time multiple orgasms have been mentioned by you on this blog, so I had already made the assumption that your awareness of the phenomenon came (and I use that word advisedly) more from experience than from a vast exploration of articles in Penthouse Forum. Don't worry, Phyllis, I already had you pegged as a happy and satisfied member of our merry band. So, chock one up on your side, Blob!
At the risk of turning this Blob into an advice column, I have to give some encouragement to my suffering gal-pal, Phyllis. I've been reading up on the fact that before one hits mentalpause, the periods are apt to be erratic, including heavier and more horrible. Therefore, maybe they'll soon be over and you'll be into the hot flashes stage!! Lucky you!
Unfortunately the elder women relatives of mine have been known to bleed on far into their fifties. My own mother was born of a 48 year old woman. I fear I'm stuck with this for some time yet. time to place another call to my family doctor.
The Blob IS an advice column!!
My legal department has recommended that I issue the following disclaimer on behalf of myself and all my contributors:
THE BLOB is satirical and replete with gross falsities. If any of the sensitive and personal issues discussed recently in the comment section were to fall into the wrong hands the very nature of this blog gives those concerned plausible deniability.
Mama C thanks for your honest and intelligent vote. In that spirit I must confess that I, in my formative years, engaged in the vast exploration of which you spoke. If I even had lunch at the school cafeteria with a girl a little voice in my head would be saying "Dear Penthouse Forum,
I never believed this would happen to me but...."
ahhhh, the memories.....
Hey, Phyllis,
don't dispair; MY Mom never had hot flashes and look at me! In case you miss my point, you may not necessarily take after all the females in your family. At least I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!
P.S. a 48 year-old Mom, eh? Poor old lady, changing diapers when she oughta be taking off on gal-pal weekends. What am I saying, my father-in-law is 71 and changing diapers!
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