A pinch of riding crop, a dash of Bible, and a heaping dollop of firm resolve. This is the recipe I will use when assuming ownership of Stubbington's Reformatory later this fall. Idyllically situated at Haverthwaite on Bartons this model of Victorian era functional architecture will undoubtedly become the Betty Ford Centre of homes for troubled and attractive young women. Whether renamed as The Blob Academy or The Blob School for Wayward Girls (as yet to be 
determined) this institution will continue the tradition of founder Bettina Sternhagen (a proud yet unmarried woman of royal lineage) who stated famously "A young girl's buttocks must have upon them the blessed imprint of the Lord's hand lest it be replaced with the foul mark of Satan."
determined) this institution will continue the tradition of founder Bettina Sternhagen (a proud yet unmarried woman of royal lineage) who stated famously "A young girl's buttocks must have upon them the blessed imprint of the Lord's hand lest it be replaced with the foul mark of Satan." Truer words have never been spoken and with this approach it's only a matter of time before most of today's lost generation of starlets is set straight. Let's face it...Paris, Nicole, Lindsay, Britney and the like have made a mockery of rehab treating it more as a PR op or a 2 day break from partying and paparrazi than as the life altering experience it was meant to be.
At the Blob School there will be no such revolving door. Your child will remain with us until her spirit is competely broken and she emerges as a polite, empathetic, and delightful young lady ready to tackle the heavy demands of fame and fortune without resorting to the alcohol fueled, "cry for help" type of behaviour that got her locked up in the 1st place.
There are still several available openings for dedicated educators, pillow fight facilitators, bath hou
se supervisors etc. If you are qualified and interested please contact us at 1-800-SPAN-KME
se supervisors etc. If you are qualified and interested please contact us at 1-800-SPAN-KME
9 comments:
Verily, I say unto thee; blessed art thou, o Blob, amongst men! For as thou dost toil in My vineyards,yet surely wilt thou find riches piled up in thy name in Paradise! I say unto thee, white raisins numbering seventy and two await thee in My Heavenly Mansions! For thou hast taken pity upon those of My hot, young, comely maidens who have fallen far short of the Glory of The Lord, and are now lost to Me, even as the wayward sheep do wander in the wilderness! Let it be known to My people,yea, unto the mountains and to the shining seas; as a jewel of gold in a swine's snout is a woman without discretion. Do you go and teach, and discipline, and spank My lost sheep; yea, though they cry out, saying," Blob! We do beseech thee, whyfore dost thou punish us, we who are pleasing to thine eyes, and wouldst surely snuggle, and snog, and shag with thee, yea unto the setting of the sun in the east?" Harden thy heart (and ONLY thine heart,lest I smite thee as thou do now smite My handsome wenches!) to their mewlings and pukings, o Blob; strike them with the rod, and with the birch switch, and the palm of thy hand; bring My lost little lambs unto Me in good season. And let Me say with a Gladsome Heart, that which was Lost is Found! And I the Lord thy God will be well-pleased, and will say unto thee; well done, thou good and faithful servant!
Dear God,
Thanks for the encouraging words but to be honest, and pardon me if I'm being too forward here, you're kind of creeping me out.
Good evening, Blob; wow! Even God is one of your peeps! But if one thinks about it, why wouldn't He be? Who (Omnipotent or not) couldn't learn at the feet of ol' Blobbie??? If I may, though, isn't it just possible that our Buddy God was using the word sheep as a metaphor for those naughty gals who are in such desperate need of direction? If true, then perhaps it's not really all that creepy. I mention this because He's been getting all sorts of bad press lately, and you know what? Something tells me He's just a little bit misunderstood (what with all the bloodshed and terrorism in His Name, and all!); lets give the Big Lug the benefit of the doubt! What could be bad???
Blessed is the Mikester that walketh not in the council of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in His law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he does shall prosper. The ungodly are not so; but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away.
Thanks for the kind thoughts, Your Godliness!!! You know that tree You mentioned, the one that bringeth forth fruit, blah, blah, blah? As far as the type of fruit...is that my call, or Yours? If it's mine, how about some of those white raisins? I've heard some good things about them!! You know better than anyone how Eternity can drag sometimes(!!!)... from what I hear, a handful of those babies can really make the eons fly on by!!! Thanks a mill, Dawg!! Just one more thing.....it's no big deal, You know, no thunder-bolts or anything,but my "handle", as we say here on Earth, is MikeXXXster- those XXXs stand for something!!!! (wink!wink!) HELLO!!! Just kidding!!! As always, "still not sitting in the seat of the scornful"(!!). Yer ol' pal, Mikexxxster.
MIkexxxster though art becoming tiresome in my sight. It's bad enough that The Blob misquotes me but now you too??? Believe me, I came THIS close to smiting thee last night whilst thou slept (very hot dream BTW) but the archangel Silvio advised against it. I will heed his cousel for now but thou wouldst be wise to play it safe lest thou end up like a pitiful Sodomite or Gomorrahian. Remember...I am a vengeful God. It's difficult to play a euphonium (WHAT was I thinking when I put THAT idea into someone's head??) with 2 broken arms!
WHAT!?!?!?!? How did I misquote Thee, O Magnum Mysterium? Frankly, I'm a little P.O.'d at You, pardon my French! I go to bat for You (no easy task in this secular world we live in),and this is my thanks???? Whatever happened to "Treasures stored up in Heaven,Rolls being called Up Yonder" AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF You go on and on about in those (to be perfectly honest) unbelievably tedious "Holy Scriptures" You seem to be so proud of? Look, You're The Boss; but the only thing I can see that was problematic was my calling You Dawg... and You know, since You created me, that I'm just a little bit dyxlexic...of course I MEANT to write Gawd!!! Here's the thing. Satan has offered me a pretty sweet deal. I'd love to re-sign with You, but quite honestly,The Prince of Darkness will give me a heavily front-loaded contract over ten eons, with free Bitches-from-Hell whenever. What's Your counter-offer? You know I do good work (after all, You are Omniscient).SHOW ME THE SHEKELS!!!!! By the way...that Silvio- he's a putz and a meshugah!!!
Mikexxxster allow me to speak frankly and without that tiresome "biblespeak" people expect of me. You are treading on thin ice my friend and I wouldn't speak ill of my captain, archangel Silvio if I were you. He saved your ass once again...literally, as I was about to cleave your butt cheeks together with a dovetail joint that no surgeon could undo!!
Don't go playing innocent with me either....you know what you did and I certainly do. I know about every transgression you've ever committed including that horrible desecration of the Farrah Fawcett poster in 1977 and tryeth not (OOPS old habits etc...)don't try to plead ignorance of the law. I gave you free will...it seems you've already chosen the appropriate shovel with which to dig your own grave.
Furthermore your ingratiating use of Yiddish doesn't wash up here. As has been pointed out in The Blob...I said they were the chosen people but I never said WHAT they were chosen for....you may be barking up the wrong tree.
As much as I hate to lose a soul feel free to sign with Satan. There are 11 euphonium players in my heavenly domain (85,373 down below) and one more would tip the balance. I've already got enough on my plate.
In closing just keep in mind that I'm not averse to sending a couple of plagues your way. I'd start easy....maybe some locusts to decimate your houseplants....but I could ratchet up the pain in my sleep!! Watch your step buddy....consider yourself warned.
Mikexxxster, I just got a telegram from Satan and he's decided not to include you in his hellish domain for the next season. He's sorry for the inconvenience and hopes that you'll forgive him and understand why he's chosen this path for you. Have a wonderful afterlife.
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