T and A (and E)

Maria Callous said...

"Blob, I have three things to say to you: Tits, ass, and euphonium. Better luck next time."

Mikexxster (masquerading as some Arab guy) said...

"More tits!!! More ass!!! More euphonium (whatever that may be!!)!!!!"

Once again a couple of Blob regular commenters have turned against me after an educational and thought provoking post. I suppose this is the way of the world and try as I do to maintain a lofty tone around here I keep getting pulled back into the morass by people who want...well.... more ass!

I recently commissioned a study about my readership and it turns out that they can be divided into two main groups:

a) those who are having sex

and

b) those who are not

The two contributors in question are looking to The Blob for titillation but until the numbers are crunched and the data comes back I can't say for sure which group they belong two....any guesses??

I suppose it's time to cave yet again so without further ado I give you another installment of Tits, Ass, and Euphonium....see if you can guess which is which!!

Hope Springs Anew in the Middle East

Here In Montreal the giant slush puddles merely hint at what waits in store for us with the spring thaw. Meanwhile, thousands of miles away the death of Farfur, the Mickey Mouse look alike, Palestinian propaganda mouse seemed a promising sign of a thaw in relations between Arabs and Israeli Jews.

For those of you not familiar with this story, Farfur was a popular, patriotic (and by extension anti-semitic) character on a Hamas kid's show until Walt Disney and a host of others got upset and demanded his ouster.

That this request was complied with was a positive sign. Could the producers be admitting that they stepped over the line??? Could this point the way towards some sort of level headed reconcilliation between the two sides???? My hopes were dashed when I came across the video clip up top earlier this morning. They got rid of Farfur alright but maybe the concept was a tad heavy handed for the Sesame Street set. On the other hand suicide bombers don't grow on trees and most psychologists agree that children are most susceptible to martyrhood indoctrination between the ages of 3 and 8.

Anyways, with Farfur gone I was hoping (ever the cockeyed optimist!) that his replacement would be an original and more peace loving, kid friendly creature. My sources on the West Bank tell me no such luck. The region is doomed!!

Soft Focus on Canada

It's high time The Blob spent some time in the homeland what with all the recent posts about US politics and sex scandals, boring Irish history and that strange Amazonian fish that burrows into your urethra, lays its eggs, steals your wallet, and leaves through an eye. (ed. note: That last one may have been a Discovery Channel inspired dream)

I'm supposed to be luxuriating in the Turks and Caicos right now but work responsibilities forced me to cancel. One night of playing drumset at a benefit dinner, 10 all expenses paid days on an island paradise and I chose Canada. Sure the decision was largely (only) mercenary but it did give me pause to sit back and reflect on this wonderful, affable, land of ours.


Wasn't it Voltaire who famously stated:
"Canada, a country covered with snows and ices eight months of the year, inhabited by barbarians, bears and beavers." Indeed it was he and while we've successfully dealt with the barbarian problem the rest of the description is spot on!!

It was probably an oversight but Voltaire could and should have included the moose, a stalwart symbol of Northern pride and strength. Like Canada the moose wants no trouble but won't back down if challenged...except of course during rutting season. Take a look at this sorry specimen who picked a fight with a power line, got its antlers entangled and was then winched up 60 feet as workers a mile away pulled the cable. That's an unretouched photo of a very unfortunate creature but more unfortunate still is this deer and the most spectaculary miscalculated jump in the history of mammals.




















When I was a cartoon loving kid S and M used to stand for squirrel and moose, as the evil Boris Badunov used to refer to Rocky and Bullwinkle, but for one lonely, kinky, Canadian woodsman S & M with moose has taken on a whole new meaning:



......I'm sorry....this was supposed to be a post about Canada and I've gotten off on some weird tangent about moose and deer. And I might as well confess that the power cable photo isn't even Canadian, it's from Alaska. (OK, OK, the deer pic is from Wyoming)
I tried, I swear I did!! I wanted to come up with some interesting Canadiana. I had a clever take on my 13-0 losing streak in the Tim Horton's Roll Up the Rim to Win contest but then just yesterday I won a fucking doughnut. What can I say; we have patronage scandals,(whatever the hell those are!!) the US has hot 22 year old hookers and anonymous gay bathroom sex.
We're proud of an appendage we built for the space shuttle...guess who built the space shuttle.
To be fair though, that was a Canadian moose humping that buffalo sculpture at the top of this post. That's one stupid-ass moose!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acO5l3avz9g

St. Patrick's Day Tribute!!

It's been said that on St. Patty's day everybody is Irish......that's right; Africans, Jews, Serbs, you name it, all Irish whether they like it or not. The Irish somehow ended up with drunkenness and brawling as their culture's stereotypical behavior while we Jews lucked out and got studiousness and business acumen. Still, for one day a year I'll gladly fight ye and the rest o' yer family fer the next pint o' green ale!!

It's all in good fun so here in Quebec while a lunatic fringe of French speaking ethnic cleansers tries to stir up trouble by claiming that the festivities are too "English" the rest of us will be pukin' green come dawn. http://www.canada.com/victoriatimescolonist/news/story.html?id=47ca8a4f-4803-4085-8e46-8f6db39dcd5b

As you tuck in to your boiled meats, potatoes and cabbages perhaps a little mealtime story would be appreciated and in this case a true story about the birth of the unique and doofusy style of Irish step dancing.

It seems that way back in the 16th century a young millworker name of Fynn O'Hahaghanie (pronounced O'Ghahnagahey) drank himself into a stupor almost every day to dull the pain of his boring existence on the Emerald Isle. One fateful morn there was a serious alcohol induced accident involving a horse and an unspecified farm implement (the details remain shrouded in mystery) and Fynn suffered severe nerve damage that rendered his arms numb and hanging limply at his sides. This was way before the invention of occupational therapy so Fynn upped his daily quotient of ale and cleverly learned to use his feet to open, hold, and pour the flasks. He lost his job because as a pretty much armless lad, he was no longer of any use to the mill owner (his loving father Reamus O'Hahaghanie).

To make ends meet Fynn would beg for change in the town center until one mournful day when he was beaten soundly about the head and robbed by some roving hooligans. Now some say the epiliptic-like spasms that this head trauma brought on were a curse but with his now nimble legs a'flailin' and his arms a'danglin' Fynn looked for all the world like the best dancer in all of Ireland!!

People came from far and wide to marvel at his skills and it wasn't too long before they were all copying him too. Centuries later they're still at it and now you know why!!


THE END








Great story eh??? Now...if only someone would pull the plug on that Michael Flatley guy.

In closing here are two versions of the famous Irish folk tune "Dear Old Donegal"
The first in its traditional setting but sung by animated super heroes and the 2nd in the more popular Jewish version.
Drive safely!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrnNYea9m0g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BZt0pl8Lws

Voices of Reason

By now you've no doubt familiarized yourself with the sordid details of the downfall of NY Governor Eliot Spitzer, the law and order, take no prisoners, self-styled Sheriff of Wall Street. Yet another in an ever growing rogues gallery of high powered hypocrites who threaten to turn all skeptics into cynics with a mere wave and waggle of their magic, uncontrollable wands.

Whether closeted (or in Larry Craig's case bathroom stalled) gay men, quasi-pedophiles, or good old fashioned whoremongers they all have something in common. As TV talking heads scramble wildly to answer the question "Why?" leave it to Dr. Laura Schlessinger to emerge as the lone voice of reason, the beacon of wisdom amidst a sea of misguided conjecture. I urge to you to watch this clip and then read on (go ahead, I have a couple of calls to make and I may even make a pitstop in crapsville if you know what I mean)http://jezebel.com/366283/yeah-we-know-dr-laura-schlessinger-is-full-of-shit

OK, everybody ready? Let's continue then.

Sure, each and every one of these guys gets caught with their pants down and then gives a contrite but somewhat defiant statement at a hastily held press conference. Their wives become props, trotted out to symbolize the enduring sanctity of the family during a time of siege and designed to buy their husbands more time as they desperately try to figure out if they can hang on to power and the perks that come with it (hookers, unlimited congressional pages, unlimited soda pop refills at all Washington area Arby's etc.).

All of us who've been privy to these humiliating spectacles end up feeling sorry for the wives but listen to Dr. Laura...these gals married up and hitched their wagons to political rising starts. They all knew what they were getting into and have only themselves to blame if they no longer can provide for the needs of their men.

Mrs. Spitzer, when's the last time you removed your husbands diaper and allowed yourself to be repeatedly sodomized while reciting his latest piece of anti-crime legislation? Mrs. Craig you never did get that strap-on like you promised you would and Mrs. McGreevey, would a little sex change operation have killed you?? These days it's not enough to stand by your man. Dr. Laura says you have to kneel.

In closing the real identity of Spitzer's prostitute has been revealed and it's 22 year old Ashley Alexandra Dupré, a would be singer who's making a couple of thou a pop doing strangers while she waits on a recording contract. As a Blob service I tried to download a naked photo but there are none to be found on the entire internet!! (the best I could do was a blurry bikini pic) As luck would have it there are many nude shots of Dr. Laura when she was about the same age and giving it away to losers for free....ahhh, the folly of youth.

Its All Over!!! (major spoiler alert)

Editor's Note: We have a winner but if you still want to try your hand at figuring out this year's Rebus spectacular don't look in the comment section of today's earlier post.


Almost before it got under way the 2nd annual Blob Rebus Contest is over. Troy Huber, no stranger to this website, has proven once again that a keen mind and agonizing loneliness are a potent combination!!
When he received confirmation of his victory the Connecticut resident could barely contain his glee (or his saliva) and commented on what was a difficult but rewarding evening: "I was dealing with several variables and subsets of possible word/picture combinations. It was only when I decide to apply one of the Fisk algorithms that I achieved a breakthrough."
Asked about how it felt to own a Rocky mountain Huber was pragmatic; "Being an asthmatic I don't get out to the mountains that much so I've decided to do like other big prize winners and take my winnings in installments, one truck load a year shipped to my parents backyard until I die. My dad, Troy Huber Sr. thinks it's the right thing to do."
So congratulations and a jaunty tip of the hat to you Troy Huber on a well deserved victory. Better luck to the rest of you next year. (losers)

You love Rebus yes you do, cuz The Blob he told you to

Re·bus /ˈribəs/ [ree-buhs] –noun, plural -bus·es.
1. a representation of a word or phrase by pictures, symbols, etc., that suggest that word or phrase or its syllables: Two gates and a head is a rebus for Gateshead.

March 16th, 2007 approaches and as this year I'll be out of town on that date we might as well celebrate the 1st anniversary of The Blob Rebus Contest with another one today!!

Last year's winner, young Jeremy Bouw of Alberta, Canada has had a grand time tooling around the prairies in his brand new Lamborghini. This year the 1st correct entrant stands to win Mt. Rundle, that's right, your very own mountain in the fabulous Canadian Rockies courtesy of Parks and Wildlife Canada.

As mountains go Rundle is a real beauty and as an added bonus you get to keep the elk!!

Alright then, enough of this tomfoolery. Without further ado I present this year's rebus and remember the winner is the first correct entry received. This year's edition is considerably more difficult than last year's but this year's readership is also a year smarter so basically it's a wash. In the unlikely event of no one coming up with the right answer a clue will be forthcoming...oh yeah...the rebus. Here it is:

After the Apocalypse

The 29th storm of the winter slashed and clawed its way through Montreal and, as would a sabre toothed tiger, left the city dazed, bleeding, and clinging to life.

Even though I did a mid storm pre-shovel I expected to awake this morning to the prospect of yet another near coronary experience.

Digging out after a major snow dump is hard enough but my municipality compounds the pain by having plows come by and shove the stuff from the street into my driveway entrance forming a compacted, chest high wall of agony.

This morning though a small miracle was visited upon me...a snow blower, perhaps sent by the Lord himself (but more likely by the municipal public works dept.) came rumbling by spewing the snow into my yard thus avoiding the driveway pile-up. So continues my decades old love affair with the snow blower.

Maybe all boy/men have a similar infatuation with heavy machinery but these particular beasts really turn my crank.

As a boy they'd pile snow into my front yard which meant fabulous fort building opportunities but recently a new twist has been added, at least in my neighbourhood.

A local contractor has seen fit to hire a beautiful 20 something female to operate one of its larger rigs. She works confidently in her heated cab wearing a tank top (and presumably pants and hopefully a thong) and I've seen her on several occasions now, each new storm getting her back out on the streets where she belongs. Why does this image have such strong erotic potential? Of course I have a theory artfully backed up with elegant and irrefutable logic but I'll spare you the long-winded details, a lesson that some (one actually) of my contributors in the comment section would do well to heed.

For those of you who insist on an explanation one is available from Blob Press International - Theories and Transcript division.

In the meantime I'll leave you with a picture of a snowblower of a different sort while I go outside for a little walk and see how the local snow removal operation is shaping up.

Everything Old is New Again (and as a rule better)

As someone spat out of the tail end of the baby boom I realize that the last thing any of you kids today want to hear is how great our generation is and was. While you are a technologically superior race and have taken superficial bodily harm (piercing, cutting, tattoos etc.), and apathy to new levels take a look at your parents, teachers and other 50 to 60 year olds. The ones who seem a little slow? Maybe it's encroaching old age but more likely is that they spent two decades in a stupefying haze of drugs and self-abasement, (often by themselves in their basement) doing serious harm to their brains and other vital organs.
We grew up in a period of tremendous creativity and rebellion where even finding and availing oneself of porn required the mind of a keen and dedicated strategist. This was especially important for those who weren't privy to the sexual revolution's bounty of pre-AIDS indiscriminate sex. That's right...many of your folks were sluts!! (and that includes man whores).
As we head inexorably towards retirement we are comforted by the knowledge that there is strength in numbers. We will get our due, vote in the people we want to do our bidding, sap the earth of it's last natural and financial resources and then die more or less comfortably. The rest of you youngsters are screwed!! (sorry kids). I suggest the more brilliant among you should get to work on terraforming the moon ASAP...we won't be around to bail you out!!
What about music? After all I did post a clip of Focus doing their hit "Hocus Pocus" (by Focus).
It's there mostly to remind the children that their parents were freaks. That lunatic, brilliant pianist is now a fat, bald, old man as is the guy shredding on guitar and yet way back in the 70's they rocked very hard and with more creative, individualistic energy than anything going today.
That song was actually a commercial hit and got radio airplay. I defy anyone to find a comparable situation at present. If you do I will personally come to your house, eat 2 hash brownies, and do an hour and a half long, self-indulgent drum solo. Promise.

Last Minute Blob Plea Gives Clinton the Edge....Barack Attack on the Way

....or so I'd like to think but the real reason was the Clinton camp going negative and picking away at the Obama mystique. Now we can expect things to get even more interesting as Barack becomes barackuda and starts fighting back. Here's an early look at an ad he'll soon be releasing in response to Hilary's "It's 3 a.m." master stroke that borrows from a successful Ronald Reagan campaign idea.

Her ad played on our fears of his inexperience in foreign affairs while his ad plays on our fear of being married to a nagging bitch for 4 or more years. All's fair in love, war, and politics.

The media coverage last night was spectacular in it's parsing of the demographics. Political analysts of every stripe broke down the vote into its smallest measurable components: 57% of church going Blacks in Ohio voted for Obama as did 73% of muffin eaters in Vermont and overall a whopping 85% of Birkenstock wearing lesbians sided with Hilary. This is history in the making folks and the best reality TV since Survivor: Season 1!!

In keeping with my new policy of tempering insightful political commentary with exploitive smut I give you another well known woman in a position of authority. If you are in any way offended by female nudity and sadistic, Nazi style, girl-on-girl action please do not click on....hey where'd everybody go?????

http://www.123video.nl/playvideos.asp?MovieID=233610

Why Hillary Lost

A bold bit of time travel in the title of this post doesn't mean I want her to lose. I'd rather wake up tomorrow, dust the 15 to 25 centimeters of snow and ice off my morning paper, and read the contrary; that actual events had rendered my headline as accurate as the now infamous Dewey Defeats Truman miscalculation of some years ago.

My recent endorsement of Ms. Clinton was followed almost immediately by an impressive string of losses and setbacks. Remember a year or two ago when I predicted that the Nintendo Wii would quickly go the way of the 8 track??
So my parents were wrong...I'm not perfect, sue me!!

I may not be much of a prophet but I'm not about to backtrack and change horses in the middle of the stream (from the old gray mare to the black stallion) like many others have done. Hillary may yet claw her way out of this one and go on to become a fabulous president but there's a smell of desperation emanating from her camp. Their campaign ads have started fear mongering (it's 3 a.m., your child sleeps safely but in Washington a phone rings...who do you want answering the call??) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M70emIFxETs&NR=1 and not so subtle attacks on Obama. His people in turn have floated the following gem on the interent and while it doesn't directly attack Hillary it plays into fears about voting for a woman and subtly refers to Bill Clinton's infidelity. It may all be over by tomorrow and women, yes women, are to blame. http://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play?p=doris+wishman&ei=UTF-8&fr=yfp-t-501&tnr=21&vid=1294421925

Look what's at stake here: a seasoned, intelligent, political veteran with actual white house experience, a tough but fair approach to governance, and a pair of balls (metaphorically at least) as weighty and pendulous as any in Washington. If Obama wins he may very well occupy the post for a full 8 years and at the end of his tenure America will probably be ready for another Republican prez. Now is the one chance, the best chance for the next 15 or many more years to elect a woman president but many women can't bring themselves to vote for a highly qualified one of their own. What kind of self loathing are we dealing with here? Obama promises change but he is after all another male politician. Of course it would be amazing to see the U.S. elect an African American but the fact that he is Black should have little if anything to do with his leadership style. Women and men on the other hand are just plain different in many ways and real, monumental change could come from electing a chick president.

Today I urge my 3 to 7 American readers in the primary holding states to go with the dark horse...vote Hillary!!!


Editor's note: This post was designed to pacify and appease those among you who prefer "think pieces" rather than smut. For the other 98% here's a brief documentary about Doris Wishman; (director of the clip above) exploitation film maker extraordinaire. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uayCdDcUI8&feature=related Her career proved that a woman in a position of authority, even back in the 60's, could create films as awful and brilliant as any man. If only Hillary had such an opportunity.

The Art of the Cookie

It's amazing how much time, money, and energy is spent trying to set things apart from other similar things. Two weeks away from the routine of home life gave me lots of time to think and it was the humble yet exalted chocolate chip cookie that, like a speck of dust to airborne ice crystals, provided the nucleus for the random thoughts in my head. Today's snowflake of a post is the end result. (have you noticed that no 2 posts are the same?)

I've been staying at the Courtyard Marriott in Quebec City and while it's a fine hotel there are many others world-wide with different names that are almost identical. To set themselves apart the Marriott people have come up with a couple of clever touches that don't cost them a lot but make a big difference to the weary traveller. At 5 o'clock they set out a large tray of individually wrapped yet homemade-ish chocolate chip cookies. I, like a trained rat, found myself hovering around the goodies every day and would've pushed a lever with my nose to get one if I had to.

(the daily turn down service was appreciated but I could have done without the coddled egg on my pillow....what's up with that??!!??)

Invariably I'd just be coming back from a recording session where the other musicians and I had been feverishly trying to put our own distinctive touches to a piece that's been recorded dozens of times if not more. The little cookie gesture was most appreciated as was the quirky and suggestive brand name: Otis Spunkmeyer. http://www.spunkmeyer.com/

Yes indeed, somebody....probably many people, had decided that this was the best possible name for their delicious wares. Focus groups, in-house committees, high powered marketing consultants etc. were undoubtedly all involved despite the quaint tale of Kimberly, the 12 year old daughter of the founder Ken Rawlings coming up with the sperm related name on her own.

Says CEO John Schiavo: "Of course we wouldn't leave such a key decision to a kid. Well known northeastern brands like Freihoffer's or Entenmann's have names that bespeak time honoured European quality and generations old recipes, hard working immigrants who turned a dream into some cookies and in turn into a s**tload of cash! We took that idea and went it one better with the not-so-subtle semen tie in. The very stuff of life associated with our cookies....you can't beat it!!"

It's the small details that often make the biggest difference. They often go unnoticed but end up influencing our decisions in ways that we're not even aware of. Next time you're at a Marriott make sure to grab one or two of the free Spunkmeyers but be warned...the name starts to work on you and sooner or later, alone in your hotel room, you'll start hearing the sweet siren song of the complimentary hand lotion in the bathroom....or so I've been told.

They've Found The G Spot....Yet Again

Did you ever spend half an hour in search of your keys, rejoice upon finding them, put them aside while you make a phone call and then discover that you can't find them again? When you finally find them that 2nd time you vow to not be so haphazard when you put them down and pay more attention as to their location at all times. This is how many gynecologists and just plain folks feel about the mysterious G spot, (recently rediscovered, this time in Italy....on vacation maybe???)

Since it's discovery in the 50's the eponymously named Graffenberg spot has been the subject of much controversy and it's very existence is questioned to this day.

First hand evidence tells me it exists (occasionally a 2nd hand is used) but there's no denying that the issue is contentious.

Dr. Emanuelle Jannini, who from here on in will be referred to as Dr. Wilt Fisk (brevity and ease of typing being the reasons...I'm sure nobody'll mind with the possible exception of Dr. Jannini, I mean Fisk) recently published a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine purporting that only some women have a thickened area on the anterior vaginal wall (right next to the vestibule and to the left of the credenza) and can experience orgasm during coitus. The rest of you just have to make do with the old fashioned clit O's. (note to self: breakfast cereal possibilities?)

Something tells me the whole thing is a marketing ploy. Just when the sexual revolution allowed women to feel comfortable enough about sex and their own bodies to have clitoral orgasms then you had to start having multiple ones to measure up. That's no longer good enough...the G spot orgasms are better say the experts trying to sell their books and what's this ??!!?? Women can ejaculate too and it's not just incontinence??? Inadequacy sells.

So girls....If you're confused just imagine what the men in your life are up against!!

Here's a passage from an article in Britain's The Independent:

"And now the same contentions regarding the rigour of research methods have returned. When Dr Gräfenberg wrote in 1950 that "although female orgasm has been discussed for many centuries or even thousands of years, the problems of female satisfaction are not yet solved", he could not have predicted that this statement would remain true for so long.
Despite Dr Jannini's (ed. note- that should be Fisk) latest findings, we are still not much closer to definitive knowledge of female sexual pleasure.
"The solution of the problem would be better furthered, if the sexologists know exactly what they are talking about," said Gräfenberg, but even now, a lack of comprehensive studies of female orgasm mean it is a topic scientists still don't fully understand."

Wow!! Not even the experts know how to please a woman. This is The Blob and as we all know it's an advice column so in that spirit let me take a crack at this and talk to men in a language they can understand...here goes.

The Blob for Men: G Spot Users Manual

If you're a man and especially a married man then there is a palm sized item that you touch often that is the source of much pleasure and this of course is your universal remote. This veritable magic wand gives you control over your entire realm of electronic entertainment subjects without ever having to leave your cushy throne.

While we are intimately familar with our remotes there are always a couple of buttons whose functions remain unknown and often unexplored. "I've touched the INFO button but nothing ever happens, same thing with the SAT/AUX and one or two others." I can hear you say.

What if I were to tell you that if you persevered and touched those mysterious keys for just a while longer your significant other would automatically see the final episode of Sex in the City, Desperate Housewives, Queer Eye, Oprah etc. even as you watched the hockey game or the Miss Hooters International competition. If she asks to change the channel just touch the button for a while longer....everybody stays home happy and you get to keep the remote control (the operative word being the latter).

As in all things communication is the answer....if you can't figure out which button to push, how, and for how long, just ask your partner. You'll find the right channel in no time!!

P.S. Here's a little something for devoted Blob afficionado Maria C.

Enjoy!!

Au Revoir et a Bientot

It's off to Quebec City where crepes are plentiful and Blobbing will be almost impossible. Sorry but hey... gotta pay the rent. There's always The Blob archives to patch over these empty spots so see you in a week or so. Amusez vous bien!!

That Special Place Where Musicology and Mycology Meet

A while back Dixxx (frequent contributor who now resides in Quebec City and alas, contributes less frequently) sent me an interesting article about a possibly insane music professor and his startling discovery. Read on:



Musician 'hears mushrooms singing'
October 1, 2003

A noted Czech orchestral composer has revealed a secret to his success: the ability to hear mushrooms sing.
Composer Vaclav Halek told the Mlada fronta Dnes newspaper that he copies the beautiful music emanating from all sorts of fungal forms that he finds while walking in the woods.
Just as other people carry baskets to gather mushrooms, Mr Halek said he takes a pencil and paper to the forest to collect songs he claims to hear rising from individual or groups of fungi. "I simply record music that a mushroom sings to me," he said.
Mr Halek has composed about 2,000 tunes and one symphony based on the melodies heard while lying beside edible or poisonous mushrooms in the quiet forest. He's been listening to fungi for 20 years, and has used the music for his numerous film and theatre scores.
"Not all of them carry the same tune," Mr Halek said. "There are tones and melodies that only toadstools and mushrooms make, so that together they cannot be used to create a composition."
He also claims to hear music coming from rocks and trees but prefers mushroom melodies.

Composers have long sought disparate sources for inspiration. For Bartok it was folk tunes, Messaien used bird songs, Gustav Mahler famously named individual movements of his 3rd symphony with titles such as "What the rocks tell me" and What the flowers tell me". Even Brahms went outside the musical realm claiming the random disposition of fennel seeds atop a loaf of pumpernickel as the source for the main theme of his 2nd symphony, 1st mvt.

The Czech Halek is a Vaclav come lately in this area as there is already a mushroom-inspired musical subculture. Check out I Portobello Chamber Choir for instance where young singers or "shroomheads" get dressed up as their favorite fungus and sing works of the great renaissance composers (don't ask why just accept).

Indeed the inspirational power of the lowly mushroom has already been immortalized in a little known film (Julie Andrew's 1st actually) that in turn was the inspiration for a similar but more successful work.
Personally I hate the damn things. People shouldn't be eating fungus, they should be treating it with an ointment or salve (jn a pinch I'd even go with an unguent). Well...off to the pharmacy then....

Seoul Brother #1 or of Hares and Hair

PARADE Magazine Names Kim Jong-il of North Korea the World's Worst Dictator
NEW YORK, Feb. 15 /PRNewswire/ -- Kim Jong-il of North Korea has been designated the World's Worst Dictator in PARADE Magazine's 6th annual listing by Contributing Editor David Wallechinsky. Kim beat out Omar Al-Bashir of Sudan, who held the No. 1 position for three years in a row, from 2005 to2007.

Ok, so this is North Korea we're talking about and Seoul is in the South but
Pyongyang Brother #1 didn't seem to do it for me. There are currently some 70 dictatorial regimes so rising to the top takes some doing. I'm just happy that I didn't have to be on the judging panel (especially for the swimsuit competition which was won by Vladimir Putin...despHOT!!! )

How to choose among so many tyrants without getting sent to a labour camp or worse?? In Kim's case I believe it's his creativity and his sense of style. He claims his unique pompadour is all natural; "I just wake up..a little spritz..a little fluff and voila!!" but I managed to get hold of a top secret photo (at great risk TYVM) that puts the lie to that assertion.

Sure he punishes 3 generations for the alleged crime of one family member, builds up his military as children starve, incarcerates hundreds of thousands of so-called dissidents, keeps his entire population in a virtual information lock down but it has to be the "Giant Bunny Caper" that seperated him from the pack.

Somehow some of Kim's people found out about Karl Szmolinsky, a German living near Berlin who breeds rabbits that can weigh as much as 22 lbs.!! He was persuaded to send over 8 of the gargantuan lagomorphs to start a breeding colony and eventually end hunger in N. Korea as we know it. He was even invited to oversee the operation as a guest of Kim Jung Il and the people of North Korea but the visa was abruptly cancelled and his phone calls went unanswered.

Long story short; the rabbits were served at a birthday dinner for the voracious dictator. (I swear this is an un-retouched photo)

Truly a master stroke and surely the winning move in a very competitive field.

I'll leave you with a little anecdote I came across while researching this post.

A little girl's rabbit had gone missing much to her chagrin. It turns out her dad, a fine chef, had cooked it up and served it to her claiming it was a dish called Sardinian chicken.

Possibly an urban legend but how many of us haven't had that "it's 5 o'clock...what the hell am I gonna feed the kids" moment.

I know I have.

A Couple of More Arguments for the Elimination of TV

I've been known to flip flop my opinions in the past...perhaps the best example among those who know me was my contention that ketchup was actually a mustard. For years I held fast to this theory only to change a couple of months ago. From here on in I'll be thinking of ketchup as a salsa.


I've also been a staunch defender of the merits of television in the face of some very sharp criticism. The news that the trombone is about to break loose and become a popular and oft televised instrument has forced me to reconsider. First it was the Letterman show as seen in the clip which featured a gaggle* of the low brassters trying in vain to be cool and now news that ABC has optioned a new Scott Baio (of Joanie Loves Chachi fame) pilot to premier this fall. According to ther press release "Baio will be playing a widowed orchestral trombonist living in New York with 4 teenage daughters who are trying to form a girl band. Things get complicated when his estranged father (John Lithgow) shows up at the door needing a place to stay and starts dropping inadvertant clues about possible cross dressing tendencies.


The girls think their Dad is a classical music snob, he thinks their pop music is for the birds and Grandpa..well he just likes wearing a bra and panties.It all makes for a wacky and often irreverent laugh riot!"

With this news I hereby concede that TV is beyond redemption. If this medium must now stoop so low as to seek out the trombone as a source for material then perhaps it's time for me to become an avid reader or take up a hobby like knitting or self-mutilation.
From this point on I'll only be watching Lost, The Office, 30 Rock, reruns of Seinfeld, The Simpsons, and Arrested Development, Documentaries, Concert footage, science and nature shows, sporting events, the odd movie, and the news and that's a promise!!

*There is no specific word for a group of trombonists so in a pinch I used gaggle. I also considered "a swill, a gutfull, a pompousness (which was my favorite of the 3)". If anyone out there has a better idea just let me know. (note to Mikexxster: pride has already been taken)

It's Official: KKK Endorses Obama!!

I hesitate to print this because there is no more reprehensible organization than the Klan and yet earlier today Grand Wizard Bufus Deane stunned the assembled press corps by proclaiming his endorsement of Barack Obama in the upcoming US presidential election.
This announcement comes fresh on the heels of two major labor unions pledging their support as
the momentum continues to build for the Obama team.
With either a White woman or a Black man set to assume the leadership of the world's most powerful nation the topsy-turvy world of American politics has never been this topsy and only twice been as turvy!!
Said Deane; "The writing is on the wall I guess and we can see which way the wind is blowing. This tide of change is something we can't stop with guns or lynchings so I suppose it comes down to If you can't beat'em join'em." While the klansmen remain virulently racist it appears that this is trumped only by their misogyny. "There's no way I want a woman telling me all what to do...I've already got the missus for that and besides the guy is half white!!" chortled the hooded anachronism.
This endorsement is another in a string of actions designed to gain wider public appeal for the Klan. After hiring the high powered Jew PR firm of Stern Brothers GlobalComm (see archives nov. 20, 2006) early last year the campaign quickly took off with the opening of the family-friendly theme park White World; home of the skating revue Hitler on Ice and the fascinating exhibit Hitler in Ice. Thrill rides include The Fiery Cross and Aryan Mountain.
At press time the Obama team has yet to issue a statement.

Happy VD...a few thoughts on love, relationships, and subliminal seduction

Here's the set up to the clip above which includes a brief reprise of one of the most
beautiful love songs ever written from Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Carousel".
(here's the whole song by John Raitt, Bonnie's dad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAoDDPKdBCQ&feature=related)
Julie Jordan finds a star left by her petty criminal ex-boyfriend, Billy Bigelow. He died as an accomplice to a robbery gone wrong and has been given one last chance to come down from beyond and set things right with his daughter who is ostracized and having a rough time in the small Maine fishing village where she lives. No one can see or hear him but he in turn can...his attempts to reconcile with the token gift fail and he is about to leave when Julie comes outside and finds the star. Puzzled at first she gradually comes to sense his presence and the words that used to be "if I loved you, how I'd love you" now become " how I loved you, how I loved you".

A good man is hard to find and a bad man is hard to rehabilitate as many a woman has learnt over the eons. That women try to play out unresolved father issues with their partner is a given which often leads to a power struggle, resentment, and recrimination...in short a retaliationship. Read the following article for an excellent take on the subject from today's Globe and Mail http://ago.mobile.globeandmail.com/generated/archive/RTGAM/html/20080214/wcowent14.html

We are compelled to procreate but haven't yet mastered the inter-personal politics. Patience is required though since as a species we've only had a few thousand years to work this out while the stalwart and selfless penguins for instance have had many millions of years. One can readily see why we are less evolved than many of our animal cousins.

This urge to procreate has been translated by the advertising industry into "sex sells" and this was pointed out in the 70's by the book Subliminal Seduction that told of the nefarious practice of hiding sexual imagery in otherwise mundane ads. The other day I showed a TV dinner in one of my posts...here it is:



This is a completely unretouched photo (I swear!!) and seems innocuous enough but let's take a closer look shall we:

Starting lower center the breast and the leg are gimmes but how about the craftily inverted triangular piece eh? The mixed veggies look harmless enough until you play connect the dots with the corn and carrots and get 69...go ahead, try it yourselves!! The butter dot as nipple may be stretching it a bit but the fruit dessert?? That's one of the filthiest photos of apples I've ever seen and I guarantee you it was no accident that the middle piece was f**king the other two ass shaped ones!!
I guess the bottom line is that there are all sorts of forces at play...psychological, evolutionary, environmental etc. and while we're not completely helpless relationship-wise it is a continuing struggle. The best Blob advice (this is after all an advice column for things I may know nothing about)
is to get out there and try to do your best, pathetic though that may be, and have a happy day.

The Blob Book Corner

Literature has been and will always be the cornerstone of our civilization. As I sit here struggling to put finger to keyboard searching for just the right turn of phrase I can only admire the true literary giants whose artistry with the written word leaves one breathless and in awe.
To those who feel that The Blob exists only to promote all that is crass in popular culture and to denigrate the higher arts I say " Fie, fie on thee, fie upon thee, filthy drab, and all thy false prophets." (so there!!)
I've heard the catcalls, endured the slings and arrows, and will bow to the pressure and focus today on books......a couple of excellent, highly recommended ones in particular.

The first is an unauthorized biography of famed percussionist "Slappy" Robertson. He came up through the ranks the hard way just as all the old timers did but his story is filled with so many twists and turns that I had trouble putting it down. (the middle section that deals with the period following the fabric softener accident was a real page turner!!)




Written by Maya Angelou, US poet emeritus and high priestess of Oprah, this is a book that should be read 3 times; the 1st to appreciate the epic narrative, the 2nd to luxuriate in the prose, and the 3rd to be eligible to win an all expenses paid trip to Cancun!!!







Two weeks ago the New York Times Book Review gushed "David Jerome has done it again!!" and his latest novel has been flying off the shelves ever since. The fact that he is this month's Oprah Book Club pick in the
science fiction/self-help category
doesn't hurt either. Do yourself a favor and zip over to your nearest bookstore, once there buy 2 copies (you'll want to give one to a friend!!)





















Last and by no means least is the latest from Jerry Mander whom you may remember from the late 70's where his book lambasting every aspect of television turned on a whole generation of kids to whittling and overly expensive comic books. Don't look now but it looks like he too has done it again with another crusade against a social ill that until now has gone largely unnoticed. It's a difficult but worthwile read.

Here's a short excerpt: ".......while surely a musical instrument in the broadest sense of the term the euphonium/baritone is the subject of a decades old conspiracy that continues to this day. Youngsters are encouraged to practice and perfect their technique but are never told that not one person has ever made a decent or fulfilling living playing the damned thing. It's a senseless waste of perfectly good brass that would be better used as door knockers or decorative wastepaper bins." (see photo)

So there you have it....this month's Blob short list. Happy reading!!

TV or not TV........(sorry)

Before I get in to the meat and potatoes of this post (along with a side of mixed vegetables and a chemically enhanced apple delite)let me just say that the writer's strike appears to be all but settled and this only a day after I posted a plea for reconcilliation between the warring factions. How do you spell clout?? Gimme a B, gimme an L, gimme an O, gimme...OK, you get the picture.

Now then, a couple of contributors (party bear and Mikexxster) have tag teamed me in the comment section citing some reformed ad exec, media guru type named Gerry (sic) Mander. It's actually Jerry but I prefer their spelling because gerrymander is a real word meaning dividing a voting area so as to give your own party an unfair advantage. It seems as though PB and the Mikexxster are creating a little voting bloc of their own and are are saying a resounding NO to television and yes to Mr. Mander and his celebrated Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television (perish the thought!!!!).

Mander is clever, his arguments thought provoking, and his adman acumen has won him all sorts of accolytes ready to evangelize in his name but the book was written in 1978 and TV has come a long way since then.......(waiting for opponents to stop rolling on the floor, clutching stomachs and howling with laughter).

Seriously though, Mander contends that TV is a dangerous medium, I see it as neutral. He says it exists only to sell us stuff we don't need, I say "so what!" I'd rather that my children and I watch these commercials and that I teach them how to see with a sceptical eye. There are ads everywhere, not just on TV, and learning how to negotiate this minefield is an essential life skill. We actually watched an incredible show about this on CBC NewsWorld. We are or will all be consumers in a consumer society. Short of moving to a shack in the forest and eventually sending mail bombs to those who disagree with you let's agree that television is largely a medium that produces garbage so that others can sell their own garbage. If only 5% of the product is in any way edifying then so be it. Part of the thrill is in the hunt!

There have always been gullible, sad, and stressed out people, and charlatans who exploit them.

There have always been righteous leaders bent on improving our lot. Say what you want about TV but book sales are up (thank you Oprah!!) and television is more a repository of diverse opinion than it was in the 3 network days when Mander penned his book.

He rales against the second hand experiences that TV offers us, our knowledge coming from so-called experts on the small screen, often about things far afield that he thinks shouldn't be our concern (he currently runs a major anti-globalization think tank). How different is getting our knowledge from him (information that he feels is vital of course) in written form? Of course it's way more detailed but TV for a reasonable viewer can be about the piquing of interest on a vast variety of subjects.

Late last night I saw a cool doc about the Gnostic Christians....could the Christ story pre-date Jesus himself?? They showed an Egyptian heiroglyph with 3 holy men kneeling before a Mother cradling a baby. They were Isis and little Horus and I believe there was some talk of a virgin birth. Very interesting, I think I'll read up on it.

Write if You Get Work

As the Hollywood writer's strike drags into its fourth interminable month many observers are beginning to see evidence of societal impact far beyond the expected decline in viewership and increased suicide rate. Families are talking again (mostly about their favorite episodes), there's a heightened interest in the political process (ed. note: not necesarrily related to the strike), and many species of tree frog are mysteriously dying off (possibly strike related).

Here at The Blob the withdrawal effects have been minimized by looking at the strike as an opportunity to get my foot in the door as a TV programmer. The American networks have been looking for product north of the border and while they have yet to find any that doesn't mean we should stop trying.

In the meantime we are being flooded with an endless stream of writer-free reality shows, one more preposterous than the next:

• "The Rack" a quiz show using question and answer techniques borrowed from the Spanish Inquisition,



• "Super Nanny meets The Osbournes (vs. Dr. Phil)" tempers flare as super nanny brings a semblance of order to the Osbourne household all the while fending off Dr. Phil as he attempts to exploit the situation for his own personal gain,



• "So You Think You Can Define Variegated" contestants attempt to define the word variegated.



• And so on and so forth.

My idea, pitched recently, is a variation on the old Battle of the Network Stars from way back in the 70's where "B listers" teamed up and competed in a mini-olympics each week. I still remember Mr. Kotter Gabe Kaplan beating a stunned and humiliated Robert Conrad of The Wild Wild West in a 100 yard dash. The sight of a paunchy, mustachioed Jew trouncing the rock hard, marine-like Conrad gave me the strength to move on with my life and......HOLY CRAP...I found it on YouTube!!!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqWU9huMMco but I digress.

Anyways here's my idea....I may be blobbing from the West Coast any day now!!

Rhymes With Blob

Those of you too busy to check out the comment section missed this little anonymous gem that was recently tossed my way (at right below the doorknob). Following closely on its heels was one Troy Huber assailing my so-called "shortcomings". Of course I'm too big a man to issue any sort of retort to this sort of foolishness but not too big to turn to a superior being for support and answers. That being is none other than Larry David. Watch this clip and ye shalt know the truth.

Those of you too busy to check out the comment section missed this little anonymous gem that was recently tossed my way. Following closely on its heels was one Troy Huber assailing my so-called "shortcomings"

Of course I'm too big a man to issue any sort of retort to this sort of foolishness but not too big to turn to a superior being for support and answers. That being is none other than Larry David. Follow this link and ye shalt know the truth.

The Age of Innocence

LONDON (Reuters) - A shopping chain has withdrawn the sale of beds named Lolita and designed for six-year-old girls after furious parents pointed out that the name was synonymous with sexually active preteens.
Woolworths said staff who administer the website selling the beds were not aware of the connection.
Woolworths staff had not heard of the classic novel or two subsequent films based on it.
"What seems to have happened is the staff who run the Web site had never heard of Lolita, and to be honest no one else here had either," a spokesman told newspapers.
"We had to look it up on (online encyclopaedia) Wikipedia. But we certainly know who she is now."

I guess as a parent I should be concerned with the continuing sexualization of young girls but the Woolworth staff have pleaded ignorance so I'll be more concerned with their plain old ignorance instead.

I've never read Nabokov's Lolita nor have I seen either of the two films based on the novel but the very name has become synonymous with a sexually precocious and barely pubescent girl, underage jailbait for older, insecure men. She pops up in pop culture periodically, Mina Suvari, the lust object in American Beauty comes to mind, but Lolitas are generally favoured by a less than savoury milieu. I thought that every reasonably informed adult knew what a Lolita was.....wrong!!

Here we have a room full of working people, some running a website for a major retail chain and none of them have ever heard of Lolita. Not vacant 10th graders at a run down public school, not crack addicts out on weekend leave from their half way house but gainfully employed and supposedly educated men and women who are allowed to vote, drink, drive, and procreate.

Is it possible that the internet with it's incredibly easy access to information about virtually anything is creating a generation of people who don't really need to know or remember anything other than how to open Wikipedia on their laptop??

More than sexualization of the young, more than morbid obesity, more than the Hollywood writers strike, this sort of intellectual laziness may prove to be our downfall. Meanwhile there's a fascist out there somewhere just chomping at the bit, biding his time until he can seduce the blissfully ignorant majority. "What's a fascist?" you ask......Google it.