Monkey Nostalgia (the BEST kind of nostalgia)

Long before the cute and perky Katie Couric lit up the airwaves every morning on The Today Show an equally adorable star was attracting millions of viewers to the program. The decade was the 50's, the host was Dave Garroway, and people just couldn't get enough of Kokomo the chimpanzee! His daily antics garnered the show millions of new fans and endorsement contracts for the telegenic simian came flooding in. His career hit a major snag when a line of greeting cards he did for Hallmark were targeted by a drunken, debauched, and vengeful copy editor. The cards in question were quickly withdrawn from circulation but I've scraped around in the vault and come up with these rare gems that harken back to a more innocent age. It's interesting to note that in their day they caused a major scandal...my how times have changed!!

Blobipedia

Alright already.... One A. Harrelson in a recent comment asked if Allan Sherman was a Jew. If you read the comments you know that I replied in an unusually abrupt and testy fashion. I apologize for not heeding my own mission statement (something about being a friggin' encyclopedia if I remember correctly) and will now gladly answer the question.

Allan Sherman was a singer/songwriter/comedian who made it big in the early 60's as a parodist. His most successful LP's were "My Son the Folk Singer" and later "My Son the Nut" and it's #1 hit song: "Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh". His work layed the foundation for Weird Al Yankovic's career but his fame was short lived and he became increasingly embittered. In the late 60's he dropped out of view and converted from Judaism to Islam using the name Tariq al Tariq thereby laying the foundation for Cat Steven's career. His conversion and name change were never accepted by his parents and Sherman publicly mocked this in his final album. The attempted comeback was a dismal failure in the West and he died impoverished, one-handed (the result of a work related accident) and alone in 1973.

Dear Mom and Dad, Camp was a Blast!!!

"Fatwa Camp??....I thought my parents were sending me to Fat Camp!!!" said Saleem, the portly and somewhat surprised teenager.

Afghan Suicide Bomber School Holds “Graduation”
Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Footage depicting what can only be described as a Taliban “graduation” ceremony that took place June 9 was obtained by abc News this week. The footage and accompanying report, which came by way of a Pakistani journalist invited to observe the ceremony, shows approximately 300 masked men and boys dressed in loose-fitting tunics and sandals and sitting in rows in a desolate mountain range along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.

As my own daughter makes last minute preparations for her own graduation and prom it's hard not to read the article excerpt above and think "Geez, what a small world!" This is the time of year when teens across the globe prepare to move on in life, some apparently into the afterlife, with ceremonies that mark this important rite of passage.

With the success of the Afghani school stories of similarly themed summer camps are already emerging from various corners of the Mid-east. I saw a recent ad for a Pakistani camp that promised Archery, Bomb making, Horseback riding, and a Farewell Video Workshop. Sounds like a lot of fun for the young insurgent to be! Camp Khaboum (as it's called) even has it's own catchy jingle sung to the tune of Ponchielli's Dance of the Hours (better known as Alan Sherman's Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh.)

Hello Mullah, Hello Allah

Time to join the Intefada

I'm heroic but still modest

That is just what one would want from a Jihadist.

So long Mother, farewell Father

I'm preparing to be a martyr

I've been trained to be sycophantic

Now they say that we'll be crossing the Atlantic!

I don bombs (oh Mother, Father)

with aplomb, (it's not a bother)

I'm grown up so now I can blow up

and take along a Jew (or maybe two).

Infidels we're targeting and

Fear's what we're mass marketing so

Camp Khaboum has lead us to assume

that dying for our cause deserves applause.

Soon the summer will have ended

Then our faith has to be defended

I'll be joining the insurgents

Then I have a date in heaven with some virgins!!

Odds 'n' Ends

What an embarrassment....World Refugee Day has come and gone and I was totally unprepared. No BBQ, no Dairy Queen with the kids, no surpise "airdrop" of loot bags for the neighbourhood children...nothing. Oh well, there's always next year and perhaps a grand gesture (did somebody say Block party??!?) I still believe though that no matter what the day we should all be thankful that we, unlike millions of unfortunate refugees, aren't living in squalor.

Speaking of squalor have you heard about the Continental Airlines trans-Atlantic flight from Amsterdam to Newark? For all the details and some fetching visuals check out this link, read the story, watch the video: http://www.fox11az.com/news/topstories/stories/kmsb-20070620-NWjc-continentalsewageflight.21e4b76d.html Briefly, 200 people on the plane, 1 semi-working toilet, and another that started spewing out raw sewage and overflowed into the aisles. How bad was it? Colin Brock, a Tacoma area student had this to say: "I've never felt so offended in all my life. I felt like I had been physically abused and neglected. I was forced to sit next to human excrement for seven hours, It was even worse than my flight to Taiwan where I sat beside Rosie O'Donnel the whole time!" Said another beleaguered passenger: It was hot, crowded, and rank with human feces, just what I needed after a 2 week business trip to New Delhi!" Medical authorities are unsure as to any possible lasting health effects from the ordeal.

Speaking of lasting health effects, it sure must be hard being a smoker these days. Kicked out of restaurants, office buildings, condos, and in general shunned by society, these weary souls are in a way the refugees of affluent countries. I've dipped into my vintage record bin and have pulled out something that may provide at least a little nostalgic comfort for those of my readers who are cigarette addicts. It wasn't too long ago that smoking was cool and fun...have a look:

And Then There Were None

Dixxx said...
Be forewarned! Mike Wilson is now on the internets!

Those of you who are familiar with this site are therefore familiar with noted euphoniumist and painter, Mike Wilson. He has been featured in several posts and a permanent link to his web site has garnered a hallowed spot in the sidebar pantheon of greatness.

I couldn't be more pleased to welcome Mike into the fabulous world of the 21st century and applaud him for being the last hold-out in his socio-economic sphere. Some would say that he caved to peer pressure or that telepathy with the mother ship wasn't working as well as it used to but they'd be wrong. Mike does things when he's good and ready (thank you very much) and if he figured that now is the best time to get connected then so it is.

Happy Father's Day

What better way to celebrate the day than with 3 clips highlighting fathers...all dedicated but some more succesful than others. The first shows a Dad who's a model of perseverance, the 2nd shows a boastful father-to-be, full of fear and self loathing, who's hoping to get things right with his future son, The 3rd gives us probably the best father of them all and the 4th is my favorite movie theme. It's from a western and has little or nothing to do with fatherhood but it's incredibly evocative and exciting (try yelling "YeeeHAHHHH!!" at the 2 minute mark) and besides, it's father's day and I can do whatever the hell I want!! Gotta run...it's almost supper time, the coals on the BBQ are heating up and I have to catch a couple of rats for the kids.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M8JU8EezjE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVlzaoNUyXU&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onw4THV0hWg&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0vYGlq6edU

Ground Hog vs. Beaver

Dixxx said...
Apparently the world of F1 is embroiled in the Ground Hog vs. Beaver controversy. Is there a simple way to educate the British drivers on the difference between the two? This way they would be sure of exactly what animal they had just vaporized as they sped down the final stretch.

True enough last weeks Grand Prix de Montréal had it's share of mayhem. Here's a press clipping:

Beaver grabs F1 headlines
dead groundhog not amused
RANDY BOSWELL, CanWest News ServicePublished: Tuesday, June 12, 2007
The final, unfortunate act in the life of an unwitting Ile Notre Dame rodent has grabbed headlines around the world after British Formula One driver Anthony Davidson blamed a "beaver" for wandering into the path of his car and ruining his race at Sunday's crash-marred Canadian Grand Prix.

The beaver was in fact a groundhog as anyone on this side of the pond could tell you. Fellow racer Fernando Alonzo spotted the chunky rodent and insinctively tried to warn Davidson despite the obvious futility. He's a bloody Spaniard and he knew what it was... so being British is no excuse!! Maybe being a citizen of a former imperial power leads to navel gazing so your average Brit wouldn't know the difference between a beaver and a groundhog if one was gnawing on his bollocks while the other had a nibble at his arse!!

To add to the confusion the Circuit Gilles Villeneuve, as the track is named, has a distinctly rodent like shape. I say it looks beaverish but this is open to debate.

Maybe this brush with doom will educate Davidson and his fans as he now joins other animal killing athletes of repute: Jim Lorentz of the Buffalo Sabres (AKA Batman) sliced one of the flying rats out of the air with his stick and was hailed as a hero. In the new "MY NHL" he'd have been given a 2 game suspension.

Pitcher Randy Johnson pureed a wayward Skydome seagull with a 100 mph fastball and one-time Pirates ace Kent Tekulve actually wrestled an ocelot to the ground and snapped it's neck just before it could pounce on a group of wheelchair bound toddlers.

Beavers and groundhogs, I know them well. My GF is beset with the former and I the latter. I now carry pictures of the 2 species in my wallet and display them (as I segue into a short educational monologue) whenever I come upon a tourist.

It's a small gesture but one that in time should bear fruit, especially if imitated by others. OK then..on to the next problem.

Forsaken no More

"Pardon my mother. She means "ducats."What's great is that there are a great many respectable logos that were rejected for this visual diarrhea."

With these words and others my comment section once again has been graced by two of it's more prolific contributors who seemed to have all but disappeared. The mother and son team of Travis and Viv are back and any creative stagnation that I may have been experiencing is all but a recent and painful memory.

Nice to see that Trav is as pedantic as ever (never change my boy!). This gives me an opportunity to remind you that my policy remains one of tolerance. Make as many mistakes as you want, even unbearably cute ones, and I'll not mock or comment in any way. This would discourage people from writing in and besides we all make mistakes. Duckets...ducats...who cares really?? The important thing is that you contribute to The Blob (the most important thing actually) and if some snotty kid wants to make a snide remark than so be it.

Life is too short to care about what others think, about dotting all the I's and crossing all the T's. Write on faithful Blobophiles, write on..right on!! BTW Viv, you showed remarkable maturity and restraint by not pointing out your son's use of the word "great" twice in the same short sentence.

Entrepreneurial Spirit- End 'o' the World Edition

The "mad inventor" as a cultural archetype

has probably been with us since the industrial revolution. There will always be a small percentage of the population who are deluded dreamers, tinkering away in their basements hoping to make the world a better place and to get rich while doing so. They are by and large a harmless lot unless you get cornered by one in a bus shelter and when left to their own (wacko) devices usually remain rightfully anonymous.

Trouble starts when such an inventor finds an even crazier investor who is willing to buy into their scheme and part with bundles of cash. A couple of inventions caught my eye recently (1 by way of a TV commercial and the other from a news report) that to me at least, and pardon the alarmism here, seem to be a signal for the end of days.

Let's start with Salad Spritzers from Wishbone. Yes it's exactly what you think it is and I can hear the collective sigh of relief as you think to yourselves "Finally...now I can spray my salad dressing on instead of pouring it!!!" Call me old fashioned but spraying is meant for the deoderizing of armpits, the cleaning of stoves, killing earwigs etc. but not sassing up your lettuce. Was there a huge problem people were having controlling the liquid to vegetable ratio that required this bizarre solution? Maybe years from now when everybody is gleefully spraying their frigging salads I'll admit I was wrong but until then my motto remains "Once a pourin' man, always a pourin' man!"

The next product points to a problem within a problem that may set new lows for catering to a niche. I like to imagine the pitch given to the would-be investors....."Ok, so there are like millions of chronic gamblers worldwide and because of their desperate addiction they become like super consumers if the product can help them towards that big jackpot. Imagine you've been sitting at a slot machine for 4 or 5 hours and you still have half a bucket of coins left. You' ve been working it and the big payoff may happen at any moment but...oh no!!....nature is calling. You can't lose your machine now!!! If only you had an absorbent and comfy adult diaper that could be used again and again and not one of those bulky, scratchy, disposable ones that's so bad for the environment. Ladies and gentleman I present to you the Adult Reuseable Nappy!!"

Feel free to make your own joke about the craps table while I try to figure out slogan...how about "What happens in the diaper stays in the diaper!" Anyways if any of you are chronic gamblers or just simply very lazy follow this link http://kitchener.kijiji.ca/c-buy-and-sell-health-special-needs-Adult-Cloth-Diaper-Diapers-Night-time-Incontinent-NEW-W0QQAdIdZ12886735 There's a real product out there for you.

STOLEN RECIPE CORNER

Speaking of salad dressing I found a store bought one that I love, Wafu Japanese Style, but since it's very expensive I just copied down the ingredients and went back to my test kitchen where I concocted a perfect knockoff for mere pennies a bottle:

12 tbsp canola oil, 4 tbsp rice vinegar, 4 tbsp water, 1 tbsp light soy sauce, 1/2 tbsp sesame oil, 1 tbsp sugar, 1 clove garlic (minced) 2 tbsp chopped onion. Combine ingredients and place in blender for about 1 minute, refrigerate, thank me.

First they take your cellphone, then they take your dignity....Paris Hilton's 3 Days of Hell

"The constant sobbing was one thing but the hunger strike was really what got to us" said L.A. sherriff department spokesmodel Steve Whitmore after heiress Paris Hilton's early release from jail late wednesday night. When informed that her behaviour was merely an expected result of her being in jail coupled with her latest eating disorder,(that hot new, status symbol among celubutantes) he could only shrug his shoulders and insist that, as a rule, they were not used to dealing with this socio-economic class.

Outrage among the general public has been widespread but Ms. Hilton claims to be misunderstood and insists that her 40 days of upcoming house arrest will be no picnic. "I'll have to wear a sort of ankle bracelet monitoring device and it's literally off the rack, Prada's version won't be out till the fall season."

Apparently her 3 day stint was an arduous experience. The degradation, the violence and the madness of daily prison life were chronicled in her detailed journal that has already been sold to a noted Hollywood producer and turned into a soon-to-be-released major motion picture. Believe it or not I got my hands on the trailer and in the words of Paris "It's hot!!!" http://www.blue-underground.com/index.php?pg=displayItem&item_id=85 I have to warn you that in the interest of full disclosure this clip holds nothing back and features quite a bit of nude lesbian prison sex, catfights, shower scenes, humiliation and towards the end some very disturbing and dissonant piano cluster chords on the soundtrack. All told it may be a bit too much to handle for some of my readers. The others are already off watching...ahhh nature....the lighting strike of a chameleons tongue on an unsuspecting fly, the blurred majesty of a hummingbird's wing in motion, and the dazzling quickness of men clicking there mouse when a link promises nude lesbian prison sex.

All over America prison wardens have seen a spectacular rise in ther number of inmates who are sobbing uncontrollably and exhibiting symptoms of anxiety and depression. A clear precident has been established and we can expect to see a mass exodus of these hurting souls within days. Just listen to what one prisoner had to say: " I gots put in here 3 years ago for possession of marijuana but just a couple of days ago I realized that it's so bad in jail that it's driving me crazy...they're gonna have to be

sending me home with one of those bracelets or something!" said LaDoofius Baylor from Lake Lafayette State Prison in Louisiana.

Now we have word that the judge specifically denied house arrest and that the Sherrif's dept. may be held in contempt pending a further hearing this afternoon. Stay tuned...this is a story with legs.

What The #@!# is This?

Epilepsy warning over London's Olympic logo

LONDON (AP) — An animated display of London's jigsaw-style 2012 Olympics logo, which has drawn an unfavorable public response, was removed from an official Web site Tuesday following concern it could trigger epileptic seizures. It cost $796,000 and was targeted at young people. The logo was unveiled Monday and within hours an online petition was established asking for a new design.

Under normal circumstances I'd have waited till tomorrow to post this but everytime I wait The Daily Show beats me to the punch (damn them!!). As a Montrealer still smarting from being a citiizen of the city that staged the most humiliating, cash sucking Olympics ever it does my heart good to see jolly old London screwing up so early in the game.

I can only assume that with close to 800 grand spent they had the full coterie of consultants, focus groups, high powered ad agencies, the top creative minds and graphic design specialists in the industry, all chipping in to do Great Britain proud and make a few pounds sterling in the process. The fact that an animated version caused epileptic seizures is sort of icing on the cake. The real story remains the logo itself. Now I'm no artist but I know a well conceived logo when I see one. This nightmare looks like a failed attempt at assembling a jigsaw puzzle by one of those kids who has to wear a helmet all day. I'll go out on a limb and offer a Blob guarantee: come 2012 this insignia will be an all but forgotten misstep (come next thursday more likely) and the good people of London will have an emblem they can be proud of.

One can only wonder what those in charge could have rejected before they made their final choice!!

This Really Happened - Installment 17 of The Home School "History of TV" Course

It goes without saying that September 11th is one of the most infamous days in US history but what about the 1oth? Sept. 10th 1974 may not be anywhere near as important but it certainly marks a red letter day in the annals of American TV history for it was on this day that NBC aired Born Innocent as its movie of the week.
Ostensibly a morality play about the dangers of parental abuse and indifference and societal neglect of troubled youth this film had a more than healthy dose of exploitation. Go Ask Alice, the sensational and supposedly true account of a young girl's descent into drugs and depravity, had been a big hit for ABC as a TV movie a year earlier. NBC decided to up the ante with Born Innocent and pulled out all the stops! The very young and occasionally naked Linda Blair, fresh from her success in The Exorcist, was perfect as the abused good girl gone bad. Most memorable and shocking was the brutal lesbian shower rape with the handle of a toilet plunger. Funny how I remembered it as a broom handle but why quibble over minor details (although I guess it makes a big difference if you're on the receiving end). As a peaceful 15 year old dealing with an onslaught of hormones all this was very interesting in a debased, sexual arousal sort of way. (HEY....I was 15 for heaven's sake!!!). As a parent of teens today I rale against this sort of exploitive fare but back in the day this kind of stuff was just the ticket.
Unfortunately and tragically a group of girls raped an 8 year old with a coke bottle not long after the air date and NBC was sued as a result by those who claimed they were influenced by the film. NBC won the case but a Family Viewing Hour was instituted not long after. Born Innocent was shown at 8 o'clock when many children were still awake but since then early prime time has been kept relatively clean.
The film, even in it's edited version, was withdrawn from circulation and remained unseen for 30 years. In 2004 a DVD version with rape scene intact was re-released by VCI Entertainment. Said spokesman Lance Boyle: "We believe the time is right to bring back this important movie. Kids everywhere should know what goes on in detention centers for the teenage girls.....in the showers and such, with the plungers....it's dangerous....will you excuse me for a minute?"
Maybe you'd heard of family viewing hour. Now you know why it's there.

Not Just Your Ordinary Blog

Dixxx writes: Paris Hilton gets thrown in the slammer and not a peep from the Blob? What gives?



I guess judging from past experience one would have expected me to be right there with some snide comment or witty observation but then what blogger with an eye for irony wouldn't weigh in? I'll let Sarah Silverman field this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR_sTKnvFR4 All media are abuzz with the Paris Hilton story and this in a week where the New York Yankees managed to steal more than a few headlines. Alex Rodriguez, the happily married Yankee slugger gets caught going up to his hotel room with a muscular stripper and future hall of famer Roger Clemens has to cancel his much heralded return to the bigs because his groin was experiencing tightness and fatigue. I dare say that A Rod had similar issues but didn't miss an at bat!!

I suppose I should devote a post to Paris but there's so much wrong in the real world that I feel like I'd be wasting my time. I've been thinking that perhaps The Blob could be a vehicle for change, for consciousness raising, for social and environmental activism. I could put aside the poop jokes and general juvenile antics for a while and try to do some real good!

Why the change in attitude? Well.. it's been brewing for a while but I suppose things crystalized when I started thinking about purchasing my next car and whether or not to go hybrid. All the vehicles of this sort are out of my price range or at least I thought they were until I came across a story form the Russian press about KMC (khyrgistan motorworks collective) and their intriguing Zoltan 520Z. It seems to have everything I want in an affordable hybrid both in terms of environmental sustainability and my lifestyle.
This clever take on an age old design has a one HP engine (a real horse) attached to the main carriage for city driving. This is easily detached and the surprisingly powerful 3 cylinder engine kicks in for longer hauls. KMC has yet another trick up their sleeve according to spokesman Bogdan Antanaska: "Our fuel is very similar to bio deisel but is made entirely from the fermentation of the beet root. (Khyrgistan's only crop) A simple compost/still operation can produce more than enough for the average user"
So Dixxx...there you have it. Sure I've been a bit distracted but wouldn't you be too if there were a Zoltan 520Z in you're future??

Ant-agonism

Norwegian Fred AKA Dixxx writes: "Do you have a good way to rid your abode of ants?"

A simple, little question and yet one of such weight and import that I hardly know where to begin! Other bloggers would probably give a yes or no answer and maybe a few tips on how to help eradicate the pests but not here at The Blob where the clumsy motto "No subject left unexpounded upon" is as true today as ever.

At a tender age I was first alerted to the spectre of world formic domination by the 1954 cult classic THEM. This was one of the 1st nuclear monster movies and featured giant, mutant, irradiated ants wreaking havoc on th US. Fast forward to 1971 and the Academy Award nominated documentary The Helstrom Chronicles which postulated even then that mankind was poised on the brink of extinction due to global warming and nuclear conflagrations and that insects, with millions of years of an evolutionary head start were quietly poised to assume dominion over the earth. Leading the way? Why the ants of course!!

This film more than any led me to redouble my effort, started some years earlier, to wipe out ants (at least in my backyard) and do my part to save humankind. This was a solitary pursuit, done without fanfare, and it occupied many a summer afternoon when some say I should have been riding a bicycle or figuring out how to talk to girls.

As the weeks turned to months and then years I developed and perfected techniques that are still being used today. Starting with the basic shoe crush I moved on to boiling water (inspired by the brave holdouts at the Roman siege of Masada in ancient Israel) and later to the advanced and original Shock and Awe method whereby a basebal bat was used to smash the ground around the anthill (the Shock) scaring the inhabitants to the surface and a can of Raid was used, cropduster style, (the Awe ) to wipe them out.

I tried to get others to join me in my struggle but they all claimed to have "lives" as they put it so I soldiered on alone.

Today there are all sorts of anti-ant products available. One that I find particularly good is the aptly named Raid Ant Killer; a slow acting concoction that attracts ants who bring it back to the nest where it kills the queen.... how diabolically effective (cue evil laugh).

I'm sorry to say that despite our best efforts the ants will win out. They have formed a perfect social structure, are highly adaptive and very industrious. The closest we've come to that model as a species are the Chinese and they're already showing signs of softening. If that news isn't bad enough just look at this postcard I picked up on a recent trip to Russia. Don't say you weren't warned!!

Lohan Joins other Young Starlets on Deathwatch List

"The world has been very hard on her," said Michael Heller, a lawyer and Lohan family friend. "She has a lot of personal issues and family issues. There's an incredible amount of pressure on this 20-year-old."
He also noted on Tuesday that Lohan has "gone from one movie to the next," spending long stretches of time away from her family.
"She's living in a hotel," he said. "It's a very lonely existence."
Lohan's mother, Dina Lohan, told Us Weekly magazine earlier this month that when her daughter isn't working, "she's so bored."

Reading this excerpt from a press release you can't help but feel sorry for young Lindsay Lohan and others of her ilk...the Olsen twins, Nicole Ritchie, Lara Flynn Boyle, Paris Hilton etc. These emaciated celebrities are literally a vanishing breed who have made rehab a major US growth industry and have negatively influenced many young, celebrity obsessed girls. As the proud and reasonably protective father of a 17 year old girl I feel obligated to mention this phenomenon and urge all of you with daughters to do as I do and slip cinnamon buns into their lunches. If that doesn't work you can always try talking about it.

As an interesting sidelight this issue points out a major difference between men and women in our society at least as it relates to rich entertainers with low self-esteem (a thesis just waiting to be written!!). Men in this category take drugs, drink to excess and eat till their hearts explode while women, similarly afflicted, take drugs, drink to excess and starve themselves to death. Witness the demise of John Candy, Chris Farley, John Belushi, Sam Kinison etc. vs. Karen Carpenter and the impending deaths of all those ingenues mentioned above.

Sure there are children suffering around the world but let's not forget about those right here in our midst. Remember....charity begins at home.

Charles Nelson Reilly - Fastidious, Eccentric, Gentleman Bachelor Takes his Final Bow

Maybe you knew him from TV sitcoms or the movies: The flamboyant uncle, the prissy landlord, the anally retentive school principal (Not to be confused with Anal School Principal vol.1-8). Perhaps you knew him from his legendary gameshow work on MatchGame where his sardonically wry panel personna made him a staple.

His death puts another nail in the coffin of an age of innocence to which we may never return. A time when glasses were huge, neckties wide , and men such as Reilly , Paul Lynde, Liberace, Rip Taylor etc, were allowed to act as "gay" as they wanted in public as long as they never said anything about their preferred lifestyle. We were more than glad to go along with the ruse too. The press by and large kept their mouths shut and any gay activists had more pressing concerns even in the pre-AIDS era. And so we remained...tacitly complicit, blithely blinded, as long as these men kept making us laugh with their outrageous antics or swoon to their schmaltzy music. It was a deal that was too good to last and even though these men had to lead double lives of deceit and fakery they were well payed for their troubles.

On a more personal note my GF Phyllis will probably read this post and again start wondering about my own sexual tastes. Fear not fair Phyllis, I just report this stuff and I'll keep serving up the facts just the way I like'em....straight.

LOST and Foundering

I'm not the 1st nor will I be the last to see the plot of ABC's LOST as a thinly veiled metaphor for the Bush administration's misguided adventure in Iraq. The popular TV show ended its 3rd season this past wednesday only one day after President Bush gave the commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. This speech was of particular interest because Bush divulged some previously classified info regarding Al Qaeda's intentions in Iraq and especially as they pertained to their no. 1 franchise holder Al Zarqawi, the now dead leader of "Al Qaeda in Iraq" ("we put the urgency in insurgency!"). Evidence seems to indicate that Bin Laden wanted Al Zarqawi to turn Iraq into a launch pad for terrorism against the US. Bush argues that a victory by the insurgency would be dangerous for the free world. The only option....stay the course!

So BUSH reveals some answers and a day later so does LOST but let's compare the 2 more closely and look at a couple of striking parallels:

1. The island is inhabited by a group of people led by the creepy Ben who had serious father issues and consolidated power in a bloody massacre using poison gas among other weapons...Iraq was led by the creepy Saddam Hussein who also had father issues, rose to power after a bloody coup and used poison gas and other weapons against his own people.



2. George Bush (president of the USA as was his father) invades Iraq and engages in a war where each side views the other as evil and leads his nation and the world into potentially greater peril.....Jack Shepard (esteemed spine surgeon as was his father) leads his flock on LOST, outsiders all, to do battle against the "others" with what could be disastrous consequences for all those on and even off the island.



3. The catalysts for both the show and the war were plane crashes.

We could continue in this vein but you get the idea. I can hear the doubters arguing that if one were to look hard enough, similarities could be found between Iraq and any TV show. I don't believe this to be the case so I randomly selected a program from TV Guide using the time honoured "flip through pages and point" method. Try as I might I found nothing to metaphorically tie Everybody Loves Raymond to the war in Iraq (with the possible exception of the Abu Ghraib situation and famous "Debra's Sick" episode of 1/3/1997 where as the blurb states: "Debra comes down with the flu and is bedridden. Inexperienced Raymond must take care of the three kids and resorts to questionable parenting techniques with hilarious consequences. Ouch!!")

So Bush invades Iraq under false pretenses and says we must defeat Al Qaeda there lest it become a base of operations and breeding ground for terrorist plots against the US. He conveniently overlooks the obvious fact that it was his very policies in that country that opened the floodgates for foreign terrorists such as Al Qaeda and Al Zarqawi while other more established areas such as Pakistan, Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia go relatively unpunished. The ill conceived war has also radicalized Muslim youth in the West and created a "homegrown terrorist" mentality where almost none existed before. The circular logic implies that the war must continue in order to stop a problem that was created by the war itself! I believe his best argument would be to simply state "We created this mess now let's stay here until it's cleaned up". If there can even be such thing as a so-called war on terror surely this is far from the best way to fight it. President Bush stubbornly (a la Jack Shepard) continues his military crusade while policies based on diplomacy and consensus building, both domestic and international, are given short shrift. On the home front even Republican support is quickly dwindling....perhaps the commander in chief would do well to remember the old adage: No man is an island.

Where's the Jewish Porn?

Pornographers have taken the idea of niche marketing and exploited it to extremes unheard of in the corporate world (and that takes some doing). If there's a fetish out there it's guaranteed that they'll be more than enough product to satisfy even the most base and obscure interests. If your tastes run towards women urinating on oven mitts (you know who I'm talking about Tterbfan) or lingerie clad models discussing philosophy there's at least 10 videos and several websites only a click away. There are sites devoted to Black women, Orientals, Latinas, Scandinavians, Indians (native and east), Russians, even nuns for heaven's sake but none featuring women of Jewish descent!

There are many beautiful, sexually active Jewish women....Jews control the entertainment industry including the porn sector and there have always been working Jewish porn stars but Judaism has never been exploited as a selling point. Go figure.

After some exhaustive research (and I mean exhaustive!) I did manage to find one series of videos that answers the call and provides material for those interested in the mysterious sexual power of the Jewess. They are currently on order and you may borrow them when I'm done.

THE BLOB IS ONE YEAR OLD TODAY!!!!

After a false alarm earlier this month I can safely confirm that today, May the 21st, 2007 is the official one year anniversary of The Blob. Needless to say it's a bit of a madhouse here at the head office with all manner of dignitaries and well-wishers popping by for a cherished photo-op and a free glass of celebratory champagne. I've managed to slip away for a few minutes and will post this as quickly as I can! Looking back over this past year, the hours of work to get this endeavour up and running and the further time spent scoping the bowels of pop culture and world events for material, I can safely say that it's been all worth it. My regular readership started off at a paltry 5 people and rose steadily to 8 only to fall back again to 3 or 4. My staff demographer explained the backslide as a simple result of more freelance low brass work in the spring, global warming, and an obscure reference to the Zionist banking conspiracy (Zionists...is there anything they're not responsible for??)......one sec......"Yeah thank you very much Mr. president, you can put it over there on the counter." Sorry about the interruption, the was President Faure Gnassingbe of Togo with a quiche...anyways, as I've always said "It's a rough world out there and if I can make just one person laugh than I've done my job." I believe I've fulfilled this objective and look to at least double that number in the coming year. Time to sign off and get back to the party but before I do we should revisit what was without doubt the year's most popular post, Ladies and gentlemen I give you from November 28th 2006: The Greatest Orchestra Ever http://www.flurl.com/item/Naked_Asian_Orchestra_u_202435

La Ségolene Lands on her Feet

The French presidential election is now history. This acrimonious contest drew uncommon international interest not only because France stands at a socio-political crossroads but more importantly because the leftist candidate Ségolene Royal was hot!! Her critics assailed her as authoritarian, a populist, and worse still a luddite (somewhat better...a MILF) while those in her corner were impressed with her stands on social justice and education. Indeed she has been a model of the ideals of feminine equality and empowerment since she, at age of 19, sued her own deadbeat father for monies owed so she and her siblings could attend university.

Never afraid to speak her mind, Sego even strayed into the murky waters of Quebec politics with her own unfortunate version of Charles DeGaulles infamous "Vive le Quebec Libre".

After the election loss she decided to take a break from politics but few could have assumed the confluence of serendipitous events that would have fueled her next career move.

As we all know, the famous girls group The Pussy Cat Dolls have just finished the arduous task of finding a new member. In the spirit of total transparency this was all played out on a reality TV series that caught the eye of many a critic who, like the rest of us, found the prospect of weeding through dozens of semi-talented but confident, lingerie clad, nymphette-type role models too hard to resist". (hear what 1 critic had to say) http://www.womensforumaustralia.org/index2.php?option=com_content&do_pdf=1&id=57

At its core, this show goes beyond just finding a new Pussycat Doll; it's about female empowerment, self-discovery and personal transformation," CW Entertainment boss Dawn Ostroff says.

"Our new line of action figures echoes this" she continued; "Little girls should know that they're never too young to start working on the teasing, burlesque style, sexuality that the Dolls espouse". The winner, announced only weeks ago on the final show, was a young woman named Asia who's sweet vocals and solid work on the pole sealed the deal. She was all set to embark on her exciting new career when group founder Robin Antin weighed in with the bad news. "When the French election results came in I had this flash of inspiration...Ségolene Royal as the newest PCD!!! She's got time on her hands, she's a very powerful and confident woman who will appeal to an older demographic and she can shake it like nobody's business! In short she's tres, tres sexy!!!" crowed the animated former choreographer who's botoxed face could barely conceal her excitement.

The Blob is proud to scoop the world press with the 1st publicity photo featuring the newest Doll. Look at this picture and you'll see a sassy 53 year old woman who has done a complete about face......she's the one on the far right.

More Adventures for Men

Author David Jerome is back at it again. The prolific writer is best known for his children's books and specifically for those with parents living alternative lifestyles. Most popular of course is "Daddy had his Weiner in another Man's Pooh-pooh" but he's had great success with several others such as : "My Mommy has a Penis", "What's That Stuff on the Carpet?", "A is for Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation", and "The Mysterious Disappearance of Jimmy the Gerbil".

Two years ago Jerome began writing serial adventures for men, namely the Turd Stuffington series, and he hasn't looked back! This installment (no.18) finds our trim hero recently returned from the hospital and recovering from a very serious bladder infection. As he struggles to get back into shape with strenuous workouts and light meals (all carefully mentored by his sidekick and roommate, Curtis) he finds that he may have bitten off more than he can chew on what was supposed to be an easy mission to Quadrant 17.

I loved every page of this book and couldn't put it down. Volume 18 doesn't just get thumbs up, it gets the full fist!!!! Have a great read!!!

Falwell That Ends Well

Jerry Falwell, the firebrand preacher, pioneering televangelist, and founder of the Moral Majority is no more. The founder and Chancellor of Liberty University and founder and Pastor of the historic Thomas Road Baptist Church(where his bloated carcass will remain on view throughout the week), died yesterday. He was 73.

I've followed Falwell's career since the early 80's when he took a small congregation and transformed it into a conservative powerhouse that had all manner of right-wing politicians pandering to him for the votes that he could deliver. My only regret is that he died too young....too young to have his career ruined by a sex and/or drug scandal a la Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard etc. Never will I have the pleasure of reading about Mr. Falwell outed as a transvestite nor will I know the joy of seeing the internet video of a drugged out Falwell moaning "I'm a creamed filled donut" as some skanky hooker administers a custard enema with a pastry bag.

To look at Minister Falwell is to know that there were skeletons in his closet and that his sins were greater than simply partaking too greedily of the Lord's bounty. The wily old fox, true to form and slippery as a greased hog, has taken leave and perhaps his secrets have died with him. Up in heaven he is surely enjoying the last laugh (My goodness Gabriel, these pork rinds are simply divine!! ho ho ho !!") as the high fives resound like colliding doves (simile generator or SIMGEN up and running again!!) .

Surely other corpulent and self-righteous men will rise to take his place but none with his smarmy smugness. Why is it always the elderly, obese ones who go first...why??!!

Seeing is Bullieving

Slaughter fight for 'sacred' bull
Hindus have launched a last minute appeal to prevent the slaughter of a sacred bull which has tested positive for tuberculosis. The bull, Shambo, lives in a shrine in Llanpumsaint, Carmarthenshire (Wales). Officials at the Skanda Vale Temple and the Hindu Forum of Britain, say the killing of cows and bulls is against their religious principles. The Welsh assembly government said infected animals were slaughtered to "protect both human and animal health". As a responsible organisation, the temple has sought professional veterinary advice to ensure that robust measures are taken to isolate Shambo and minimise the spread of disease but an assembly government spokesperson said TB was a disease which was transmissible to humans and other mammals.

Stories like this make me wonder how evolved the human race actually is, and I'm not just talking about Hindus here. Millions and millions of us roam the planet believing what are essentially fairy tales put forward by the organized religions of the world, stories that by and large are there to replace the old myths that we used to believe in.

For every sacred bull there's a vision of the Virgin Mary in some incongruous place that then becomes a shrine with people willing themselves to see a miracle. This photo of Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich (google it!!) looks a helluva llot like Marlene Dietrich but don't try telling that to the faithful who are bidding for the icon on Ebay like there's no tomorrow. Maybe this sandwich isn't a miracle but inexplicably just looking at the photo cured a little problem I'd been having with impotence (what can I say....I LOVE grilled cheese!!!) Stranger still is the famous Virgin Mary underpass salt runoff stain in Chicago that had people lining up just to get a glimpse and say a prayer at an image that bore a greater resemblance to a woman's privates than to the blessed mother of Jesus. Its been said that our brains are genetically programmed to recognize facial patterns and even assign these attributes where none exist ( i.e. the man in the moon). It seems like we've also been programmed not to see a huge vagina when it's staring us right in the face! (Or am I just imagining things???...hmmmm). I'm far from the 1st to cast aspersions on this phenomenon (check out this link for more photos like these of Mary and baby Jesus sharing a grilled cheese sandwich. http://cas.bellarmine.edu/tietjen/RootWeb/VirginMaryCheese.htm

Let's not forget about Shambo the sacred but tubercular bull......now there's an idea for a sitcom!!....

SHAMBO THEME

He's shambo the sacred but tubercular bull

Poor shambo, the fates have been unjustly cruel

In the old days you'd pull a plow or two

Now all they want you to pull is through

Oh Shambo the sacred but tubercular bull.

Hey Shambo, whatever are you gonna do

The health cops have put out a hit on you

The Hindus revere you as most superior

But we take one look and think"leather interior"

Dear Shambo we'd be really worried too!

So Shambo let's hope that you can stick around

As beef goes,you're better off not sliced or ground

When they sent you in for a diagnosis

Who knew they'd find tuberculosis

Shambo please stay safe and sound.

Shambo you'd leave a lot of lonely cows

They see you and never fail to get aroused

They voted you "bull they wished to be datin' "

The one who should do the inseminatin'

Shambo please don't leave us now.

Testing the Waters

Here's part of the press release for my latest CD. With my 2 week stint in Vegas behind me it seems like I might actually have a shot in the "funny business". Word of mouth helped audiences grow throughout the week and seeing as my material works best with an inebriated and under-educated crowd this was a golden opportunity in this desert jewel of a city!
My act harkens back to a more innocent age where your Woody Allen or your Shecky Greene didn't have to shout profanities to get big laughs. They also didn't see fit to flaunt their Judaism in public and chose more humble and goyish names. They led by example which explains why my stage name is a variant on my first two given names; Robert and Jeffrey. Today a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, a Sarah Silverman, a Hersch Goldenblatt (formerly Sinbad) etc. are more in your face about the whole Jew thing which I find rather distasteful.
The way I see it having a wasp name and a Jewish world view creates an incongruity that keeps an audience off balance and gives more control of the situation to the comedian. I had the Cesar's Palace crowd eating out of my hands by putting this theory into practice and my catchphrase; "I HATE myself!!!" is already showing up on T shirts. I'll be touring this summer...check out the act...buy the CD...let me know what you think.

Do I have a Future as a Stand-up Comedian? You be the Judge

Here is a link to my latest foray into the entertainment world. Based on the wealth of positive feedback I've recieved from my work on the Blob I've decided to try my hand at stand-up comedy. My act is a work in progress.... at press time little more than a series of indiscriminate noises, facial gestures, and onomatopoeiae but to my small but attentive audience ( young Kevin Mittleman) it seemed to do the trick. I was encouraged by the response but will be working hard over the next little while to flesh out the act. http://ca.video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=164300

Euphoniach - The Little Known yet Unimportant Jewish Holiday

Everyone has heard of the battle of Jericho, the one that Joshua fought. An army of Israelites led by Joshua laid siege to the great walled city under strict instructions from God which included the blasting of trumpets on the 7th and final day. As legend has it the walls crumbled and the city was sacked. Scholars have long contested the veracity of this account and believed that no number of trumpets could achieve the fabled effect.....scroll back 50 years to a dig in what used to be known as the land of Canaan where archaeologists unearthed remnants of a walled city and almost 100 crude, bronze age ancestors of todays's euphonium referred to in Hebrew as "Annoyim". Texts recovered at the site seem to indicate that only a minute amount of valve oil was available for all these instruments yet through the grace of God it proved to be sufficient! Acoustic physicists postulate that given the proper frequency and decibel level a clay wall of the type uncovered could have been structurally weakened.

Cue the Chief Rabbinate in Jerusalem......the miracle of the battle was quickly verified and sanctified and a new holiday, Euphoniach, was declared.

This week long celebration culminates on the 7th day (as did the actual siege) with a joyous and extroverted festival of music, wine, and dance. Only the most orthodox of Jews still take part in the controversial 7th day ceremony whereby the men are encouraged to proudly display their genitalia on the outside of their trousers as a symbol of the breaking down of walls, in this case the walls of propriety that strictly constrain the devout Jewish male during the other 364 days of the year.

Euphoniach begins each year at sundown on the 17th day of Tamuz ( early July in the Gregorian calendar). I celebrated my 1st Euphoniach in 5761 yet it seems like only yesterday. I won't say whether or not I participated in the 7th day ceremony but I do remember cursing God when I ran out of sunscreen..." hey asshole....would it have killed you to put a lttle more cream in the tube??!!"

There is much drinking of wine and, strangely, eating of mexican food (chief rabbi Moshe ben Eliazar had a thing for bean burritos) followed by traditional circle dances and in my family, Uncle Mervin's breakdance extravaganza....(he can't pop like he used to but he can sure lock!!).

Sadly the tradition of the euphonium serenade has gone by the wayside as the unfortunate combination of that particular instrument and too much wine often led to fisticuffs and in many families, legal action.

Here in Montreal the first warm rays of the sun are beating down and that can mean only one thing; Euphoniach is right around the corner!

What's In a Name?

The actor at left is none other than Ving Rhames (pictured in his remake of Kojak). While he's far from an A-list star he is becoming more of a known commodity. Most of us have heard of him by now and it occured to me the other day as for some unknown reason the sound Ving was rattling around in my head, that if Ving is acceptable then so is almost any other made up name out there.....all bets are off as far as standards of acceptability go!

Don't get me wrong, I'm no staunch traditionalist who wants a guy named Charlie or Stan serving me my steak and potatoes. Ving is a fine name but I think that it opens up a whole new world of choices where any and everything is possible.

We already have the hackneyed, attention getting ploy of some Hollywood types who name their kids Moon-unit, apple, and a myriad of other atrocities but I'm talking about every day names like Ving that should be seen as completely normal...... Pork, Melt, Harvest, Sizz, are examples of already known words or made up ones that when given a last name sound just fine. Go ahead, try it for yourself; Pork Munson (no relation to the Munson's Beveled Ham people), Melt Abramson, Harvest Miller, Sizz O'Reilly....see what I mean??!! These aren't crazy attention grabbers, just regular sounding names. You want something feminine...how about Chlorine? More ethnic...Spatula and Chlamydia. I could go on and on but you get the point. Thanks to Ving's parents we can now do as we please....go ahead Moms and Dads to be...get creative

OOPS....I Forgot My Own Anniversary

The Facts:The much heralded May 6th Blob anniversary date was little more than the result of a gross miscalculation compounded by carelessness and no small amount of hubris. The true date is actually May 21st and all celebrations will be put on hold till then.

The Excuse:To get more in touch with my religion I've been trying to live my life according to the Jewish calendar in lieu of attending synagogue, cutting bacon out of my diet, or keeping my hands off of shiksas. My only other option was painful and unnecesarry foreskin reconstruction (apparently they use skin from behind your own ear.......said one satisfied customer: "It may not look nicer but I swear I can hear things through my underpants!!") As you can imagine, living life outside of the Gregorian calendar mainstream is a difficult task seeing as I have enough trouble following even my regular agenda. A simple misreading of the exact Hebrew date and a faulty conversion later set things in motion and the date of May 6th was erroneously posted. I will henceforth return to using the Western calendar.

I apologize to those of you who were hurriedly putting the finishing touches on their notes of congratulations and/or gifts and assure you that MAY 21st is the official one year anniversary date.

One Year Later..Still Trying to Make the World a Better Place

As The Blob approaches it's first anniversary I can't help but glance back even as I look forward towards the year to come (may 6th to may 6th known as the Blobbal year). What has it all meant? All the ink spilled, the hours toiling alone raling against global injustice. Was I just howling into the wind like a lone wolf in the wilderness or in some small way did I make a difference? All the evidence points to meaningless howling but if it's good enough for a wolf it's good enough for me.


I've tackled the big issues with little regard for my own personal safety and after these many months can say that I may have made a rookie mistake by not aiming a little lower. As the great chef Brillat-Savarin once said "Yea, that most savourous loaf of bread is maedst of many small but delectiable crumbes." Allow me then to end the year fighting a small yet important battle, a minor skirmish amidst global conflagrations but a major annoyance nonetheless:


Towards a Rationalization of the Shoe Sizing System



The wayward fleet at right are known to those in the footwear industry as Brannock devices. We've all stuck our feet in them but few of us have any idea how they work and to what standards they adhere. I started asking a few basic questions and before long was led down a Byzantine path that is as convoluted and illogical as it is Byzantine, if not even slightly more Byzantine. I'll try to sort out this whole mess as briefly and simply as possible.

To begin with, several different sizing systems are used worldwide and in some regions different systems are used for different shoe types ( i.e men's ,women's, kid's, horse, sport, safety, cow, etc.)
Shoe size can be based on the length of the foot, the length of the inner cavity of the shoe, or the lenght of the form or last the shoe is created around. In Canada for instance the size is determined by the length of the last in inches multiplied by 3 and then minus a constant which will be different for men, women, and children and different again from country to country but sometimes just for men but not for women! Fascinating, eh?? (and stupid) There are even archaic terms such as the British barleycorn 1/3rd inch or the French Paris point or Paris prick (I kid you not) which is 2/3rds of a centimetre. There are international standards (mondo point), differing national standards and even more than one standard per country in rare cases.

Leave it to the Japanese though, their shoes are measured by centimetres and it's the same for men and women...period!! How simple is that? From here on in The Blob will refer to all shoe sizes using the Japanese Standard...I'm a size 29.5 for instance....and will gladly render this conversion service for any interested readers. As the influence of this site grows exponentially I believe that within few years N.America and Europe will go the Japanese route and the world will be the better for it.

Rounding out the Year

Women's Week is but a recent memory and now we can start the count down to The Blob's one year anniversary. The skeptics, cynics, sayers (both nay and doom), mockers, and doubting Thomases will have to eat humble pie with a nice side of crow as year two begins on may 6th. Notes of congratulations from around the globe should be arriving any day now and all my readers should stay tuned for some big changes and a flurry of festivities. Until then and in lieu of any inspired flights of whimsy I'll share some musical selections that are sure to bring a smile. Let's start with 5 trombones (count 'em!!), add a rhythm section led by an old Cuban named Manny Oquendo (the Count Basie of timbaleros), turn them lose on a Puerto Rican beat called a Plena and let's see what happens http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUHmwo1-X_o
Tax time (now) and the end of summer are when I have my two guaranteed bouts of seasonal depression. I'm managing to fend this one off thanks to a not insignificant return and by listening to this song over and over again. I love YouTube!!!!