Post #501 - A Blob Fall Testimonial

It's Autumn and we're rounding the corner and heading for the big post #1000! High time then, that I signed on another new sponsor to provide the life blood of all blogs (and all things of any importance); advertising dollars.

On this occasion I was so smitten by the product that I decided to do the shilling myself! Give a listen:

You know how it is guys, big back yard with lots of trees meets a few cold October days and before you know it you have so much leaf ground cover that even the thought of raking makes you want to shoot youself in the head. For the last few years now I've found the only solution is to tackle the problem with power and lots of it. The BLOWMASTER v.7 is the most powerful and versatile leaf blower on the market and I highly recommend it for any of your blowing jobs. As you can see from the picture , I have an overabundance of fallen leaves so the extra power is appreciated. The entire unit straps on so I can have both hands free to operate the long, carbonite grade, black PVC nozzle. I was so satisfied with the BLOWMASTER v.7 that I won't be going back to the v.6 any time soon...I'm sold on the black, PVC strap on model. The Rolls Royce of leaf blowers!

Check out this "point of view" shot. Here I had it on "Turbo" and would you look how it cleans the lawn right down to the top soil!!

Now, you're probably all saying to yourselves "What the hell does he know about blowing leaves!!" so I've gone right ahead and asked BLOWMASTER spokeswoman and adult entertainer, Jenna Jameson, to talk some sense into you all. Take it away Jenna!


" A special Jenna hello to all Blobophiles, many of whom are no doubt familiar with my body of work! Trust me guys and girls, The Blobster knows what he's doing...you saw what his lawn looked like at the top of the page. Now check out how it looked after he finished blowing it (with the BLOWMASTER v.7). A truly professional job!!"

Thanks Jenna!

And in closing, here's a cheery little number about all the dying leaves complete with lyrics and visuals http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2s2tPORlW4&feature=related. Who knew this song actually had words!!

What's Going On - segment #2

OK ..where was I? Oh yeah!

When we last left off the wedding was just around the corner, the cake looked like a giant piece of pink sidewalk gum, and I was lying on the couch, post-tantrum, looking for inspiration from afternoon TV. "What would Martha do"? I asked, but the moment a potential solution popped into my head an even more compelling reason for its inevitable failure would emerge in its place. 3 minutes turned to 4 and soon to 6 and still no answer, then it hit me, the one word, the one thing that would save the day: ribbon!!

WARNING: The following section deals with behaviour suggesting an alternative lifestyle. Small children and fundamentalists should leave the room in a quick and orderly fashion.

This of course would require some bold and quasi-gay action on my part but when push comes to shove one does what one must! Now, unlike what many of you typical Blob readers are thinking I didn't **** with a ***** while some anonymous man ****** *** **** in my ****.

Nor did several youngish **** **** me with a *** while *****ing on ** ****!!

What I actually ended up doing was going to a fabric store in search of the proper type of ribbon and carrying with me a piece of the troublesome pink fondant to do some color matching. I was, of course, the only male in the store except for one guy who the sales staff kept referring to as "Cynthia" and I did feel like a straight fish in a gay pond. Just when I felt like chickening out I thought of the bride and how she'd kill me on her special day and this was all the motivation I would need. I found my ribbon, asked some kind and matronly women for a 2nd and 3rd opinion and was on my way. Soon the transformation was complete...the cake that is..... not me.

I didn't start ******* an ***** or ***ing a ***** with a greased ***** just cause I went to a fabric store with a piece of pink icing to buy some red ribbon.

And so it was that the cake was rendered presentable and the wedding saved. The premiere of Quebec, the honourable Jean Charest, never got to taste a piece, opting out of the meal when he learned that a leading mafioso would also be in attendance.

Here he is with the bride and a ridiculously small dog. He shook my hand on the way out so he is now assured of my vote in the upcoming election.

(I'm easily swayed, what can I say??)

The guests ate the wedding cake with gusto and were wholely unaware that the ribbon was covering a multitude of decorative sins.

While I received many words of thanks and a healthy round of applause I mustn't forget to thank my sous-chef (pictured below) and the restaurant staff for all their help.

I also want to thank the mafia Don (pictured below) for getting me that deal on the ribbon and for not having one of his boys nail my hand to the restaurant's kitchen counter after an incident with the raspberry coulis.

And what of the comely "neurosis" of sopranos that some of you (one of you) has been clamoring to know more about?

Well it was hot in the church and as the ceremony wore on and on one thing led to another. You know how sopranos are....(pictured below)

What's Going On? (segment #1)

2 weeks without a post, without a peep or even a blurt. I suppose an explanation is in order and especially to the loyal Blob readers who, in vain, have coaxed, threatened and cajoled me into providing them with the free diversions to which they've become accustomed. (cheap, needy, bastards!!)

I was thinking of going with a vague hockey type excuse and claim a "lower body injury" but why lie when you can tell the truth? The real story is that I've been busy learning and playing music so difficult and time consuming that it cut into my wedding cake baking and on-line gaming time leaving little room for Blob related activities.

"Wedding cake baking?" you ask and rightly so since this is not something I normally do, especially for a wedding party that includes a leading mafioso, the premiere of Quebec, around 15 comely sopranos (and other voice types who all sang opera choruses), and a narcoleptic chihuahua puppy. At this point you must be wishing I stuck with the "lower body injury" angle but all details and photos are completely authentic, unembellished, and un-retouched. Listen up:

The bride, a voice coach, the husband, a personal trainer. I knew neither but was invited as a guest of a woman who was supposed to bake the cake and then asked me for help. I had a conception which changed when I was informed that the bride wanted a cake that was chocolate AND vanilla and pink!! I would make a 3 layer masterpiece, the middle layer being vanilla cake with vanilla buttercream, the outer 2, dense chocolate truffle cake, all covered in pink fondant; a substance as mercurial and difficult to handle as, well....as a soprano who's planning her own wedding.

It wasn't long before disaster struck and I was forced into doing probably the gayest thing I've ever done, and I say this with apologies to my gay friends and relatives (Uncle Sheldon, you're not fooling anybody!) A day before the wedding, in the AD stage (assembly and decoration) the fondant proved too much for me to handle. I went into a panic, became chair kickingly (see photos below) enraged and then despondant.

It wasn't a pretty sight and there was no time to start over. Premiere Jean Charest would be seated at my table, the mafia king not far away. The bride needed nothing less than a very special cake for her very special day and now there was no time to start over. How could I possibly extricate myself from this impossible situation and how gay of a thing did I actually have to do as part of a potential solution. Come back soon for the 2nd installment!!

Okay, OKAY Already!!

The wheedling masses have spoken once again and have guilted me into posting when I should be sleeping or watching TV. It's not that I have nothing to say or am out of witty and insightful observations (although I am) but certain things, such as sleeping and watching TV have taken their rightful place after more than 2 years of neglect.
That being said, the internet is a hotbed of humor and the least I can do is point out some well researched video clips and provide the appropriate links. Here's one now : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne0RrK5qJ-k&feature=related
and another: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne0RrK5qJ-k&feature=related (Pause at 1:05, gradually scroll down and read whats on the screen!)
What's this?? another one!! (what were the odds of that??) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jd4tugPM83c
Must sleep now.......

A Fresh Start

The leaves overhead, crisp and brown like a well baked pizza crust, wait to meander lazily towards lawns The lawns themselves, tired of endless mowings, yearn for snow cover. Children nervously waiting for school buses, excited to see old friends and overburdened with expensive textbooks..... and a Dad watches at the front door. He too is tired of endless mowings, overburdened by expensive textbooks and yearns not for snow cover but for pizza. (cheese and pepperoni cover ideally)

In Montreal the coming of autumn means that another winter has finally ended and yet another is just around the corner. It's a period of reflection and here at The Blob it's a chance for a fresh start after a lengthy and not easily explained hiatus.

How to begin though? Maybe it would be best to do so humbly, without bravura and fireworks (the naked lesbian nuns in prison video will have to wait for another day) and what could be more humble than the lowly yet exalted potato.


This past July marked a watershed moment in the history of snack food of which many of us on this side of the pond are scarcely aware. Procter and Gamble was forced to argue in a British court of law that it's Pringles Brand Potato Chips were in fact NOT potato chips in order to avoid a value added tax that would have cost them many millions of dollars. A year earlier they had succeeded in convincing a lower court judge that at only 42% potato content they should be exempt, but here....read:


http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2009/may/21/pringles-vat-tax-crisps-snacks?commentpage=1sps-snacks?commentpage=1

As a side note please scan through the comments attached to the article for stuff like this:

Never mind, are pork scratchings still zero-rated?
Pringles are yesterday's snack anyway. The foreseeable future is those jumbo bags of "artisan" crisps with laughably specific "flavours" in weird combinations like Old Spot bacon and Wensleydale.



A nice upshot of the trial is that the word "potato-ness" was coined by a Procter and Gamble lawyer and may very well end up being Blob word of the year. Bottom line: P&G tried to convince a court that Pringles were actually shit but the judge ruled that if it looks and tastes like chip it IS a chip and that Pringles did indeed posess enough of that elusive and ephemeral quality of potato-ness to to be taxed.


You weekend gardeners, toiling away at your potato patches, were too busy to notice. Glad to have been of service.

Trouble in Nerdsville

troy huber has left a new comment on your post "Alright Already!!":

Anus,

I know you're busy, and we should take whatever posts you give us, and that this one is funny and clever as always, BUT when the hell did you start writing in the voice of your readers' characters?
I honed the Troy Huber brand, I focus-grouped the SHIT out of it, spent months developing it. You can't just say "take it away Troy" and "be" Troy. I'M Troy.

Fuck you.

Troy

My response:

Taint,
I suppose I can understand your rage and sense of betrayal. After all, you did come up with the Troy Huber character, and then proceded to neglect him for months at a time. Pleas by myself and some of my most voluptuous and nubile young readers to "bring back Troy" have time and again fallen on deaf ears.
Of course, this is besides the point. Had you read the fine print on post 1, day 1 of The Blob (we were so young back then!!) perhaps you'd have spared me the bitter invective. http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2006/05/greetings-and-salutations.html
My lawyers assure me there is legal precedent (Letterman-NBC/Intellectual Property) so hows about we just agree to let bygones be bygones.

go bury a hatchet up your ass,
Blob

Funny how everything old is new again. This whole unfortunate episode with Troy reminds me of that legendary night back in the early 60's when the Rat Pack ruled the Vegas Strip and a drunken Peter Lawford got into a tiff with an even more besotted Dean Martin. The boozy crooner had just rammed Joey Bishop, head first, into a lamp post and then stabbed him in the neck with a complimentary Sands Hotel pen (later re-enacted by Joe Pesci in Casino) much to the raucous amusement of the other bad boys.

Lawford was the only one to take exception and immediately called Martin "the asshole of the Rat Pack" which led to the now famous reply "Maybe so, but If I'm the asshole, you're the taint!!" (editor's note: taint refers to the region between genitalia and anus i.e. it taint one nor the other)

Much martini fueled hilarity ensued. Sinatra grabbed a sheet of paper, scribbled down a few lyrics and dashed off to Nelson Riddle's room, interrupting his customary 4 p.m. "nap" and shooing out the showgirls.

A tune was banged out on the piano, an arrangement hastily conceived, and music was ready on the bandstand for the 11 o'clock 2nd set.

So...Troy calls me an anus, I call him a taint, and like I said, everything old is new again.
Here with thanks to the Nelson Riddle Humantarian Foundation is a bit of the infamous song: (a tad on the blue side...kids should leave the room)


I'm an Asshole - (You're the Taint) F. Sinatra - N. Riddle
(medium swing)

I'm an asshole, you're the taint
I'm so useful, you're so ain't
Without me the world would suck
Nowhere to shit from 'n' one less thing to fuck!


( extended trombone solo)


You're a bit of useless skin
nuthin out and nuthin in
From you I get no sensation
You're the bridge 'n' I'm the destination


(trombone section soli)


Let's agree to disagree
You can't crap and you can't pee
Can't get laid, it's plain to see
All in all, I'd rather be me!!


(segue to Sammy Davis: "I Gotta be Me")

Alright Already!!

The Blob has been experiencing a noticeable dearth of posts of late, possibly due to the convergence of solar flares, solstice related depression and my moratorium in protest of the tiny stickers they put on individual pieces of fruit.
More likely still is the fact that of late I have been experiencing the joys, agonies, and absurdities of the dating world in all their time consuming glory!
What to do then...leave my loyal readership in the lurch (how can I do that to such a nice guy anyways??!!) as I pursue my own interests or find a compromise position where I can experience the thrill of dating without any of the messy inconvenience. Cue my old pal Troy Huber and his latest business venture. Take it away Troy:

We all aspire to hot babes even as we languish comfortably in our parents' basements. There are so many good shows, so little time. DVDs to catch up on, don't even get me started on comics yet unread, and many as yet unfinished PlayStation 3 projects (exploring the mythical land of Tamriel in Elder Scrolls IV for instance...danger around every norklak!!!) So what of the babes and of "getting out there"?? Of course with computer dating many opportunities are today, merely a click away. But to paraphrase SpiderMan "with great opportunity comes great responsibility" so setting up a date involves getting washed and dressed and actually facing the dreaded spectre of rejection. As far as fear goes, battling Mordleegs in the time dungeon pales in comparison!!
Then it came to me, what if I set up a date with a woman so hot, so unattainable, that I could back out at the last minute fully confident that it was the right thing to have done, and what if I set up a site for the millions of guys like me to have and miss the same impossible opportunity!!!??

And so was born my next business venture: Intimi-Date. Simply fill out your profile and peruse the hundreds of women that we match you with...all laughably and completely out of reach. The rest we leave up to you!!!!

The Di-efication of Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson was first and foremost a superb entertainer. He could sing really well and dance even better and in tandem with the more talented Quincy Jones came up with one of the best pop albums of all time. Second and foremost he was a tragic figure, a nutcase, a drug and alcohol abuser, and a pedophile. There may have been something weird going on with that chimp too.

Now he's dead and though everyone is expressing shock it seemed kind of inevitable. Despite a projected comeback there was really nowhere left for him to go.

We all know the sad tale, we know about the avaricious, abusive dad, hawking some Blue-ray product on the BET Award red carpet only days after his meal ticket had died. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7im37UtGHkA Looney tune times to be sure but what are we to make of the massive outpouring of grief, mourning and reverant celebration? Puff Daddy (P Diddy?) or as my good friend Troy Huber refers to him; Pap Smeary, even went so far as to suggest that MJ had some degree of responsibility for Obama getting elected. I didn't hang around for the logical explanation. (I'm thinking it may have had something to do with chaos theory in which case I too am in some way responsible ).

Anyways, now we are being subjected to the traditional media orgy in symbiosis with the throngs who hold vigils hoping against hope to be asked a question by a TV reporter.

Tha over reaction to Lady Diana's death has now become the gold standard and Americans will seize upon any opportunity to try to better their former colonial masters in the self flagellating, satcloth (CORRECTION!! the previous word should actually have been Sack cloth. "Satcloth will remain in this post only as a reference for the pedantic and self-laudatory comments that followed) and ashes department.

These people are in fact mourning their own lives, a sad sign of the times. back in the day this kind of thing would never have happened, and would be unheard of today if only more people would believe in our Lord Elvis!

Fallen Victims

Quite a day, quite a week. This may be far from the proper forum for discussion of varying degrees of tragedy but is after all my forum so....let's go!

For people of my generation that's two icons of our youth gone in one day: Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Both in their own way were tragic figures and victims; Jackson supremely talented and troubled, Fawcett supremely beautiful, in the end a surprisingly good actress,the inventor of mall hair, and winner of the Eberhard-Faber "Nippy" Award (for most outstanding nipples) so many years running that they finally decided to can the ceremony and grant her victory "in perpetuity". Propriety prohibits me from providing any links to this natural phenomenon nor would it be wise of me to suggest typing "farrah fawcett nipples" in the search window of an unfiltered Google images. Not today anyways.

You couldn't help but feel bad for both of them...MJ was designed by his abusive dad to be a creature, not of this earth, but of the stage and Farrah, despite bouts of bizarreness, was finally taken seriously in her career only to be felled by cancer.

Tragic yes but the real tragedy is going on in Iran....not time for me to pontificate, just check the internet for reams of brilliant prose, gut wrenching and inspiring images and tales of people martyring themselves for the very things that we take for granted: http://shooresh1917.blogspot.com/

At times like this it's easy to long for simpler, sepia toned days: a healthy Farrah Fawcett, a 10 year old, black, Michael Jackson, and a pre-Mohammedan Persia....maybe somewhere this still exists.






















Speaking of tragedy, how about the US Republican party?
Another day, another sex scandal, this one involving South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, a potential 2112 presidential hopeful : http://www.examiner.com/x-3555-LA-Independent-Examiner~y2009m6d25-Mark-Sanford-wonders-how-do-you-solve-a-problem-like-Maria

The same old story you've all heard a thousand times before: head of state goes AWOL telling no one of his whereabouts other than a cryptic "I'm going hiking in the Appalachians", taking off for a 5 day tryst with some hottie in Buenos Aires then sneaking back home only to have is ingenious plan ruined by some nosy bitch of a reporter...ho hum.






There....I got my "Sanford and Sin" joke in 10 minutes before the Daily Show (I think they'll be going in this direction).












(with apologies)

0% Financing and a Guaranteed Spot in Heaven *

(*subject to life review. based on availability at time of actual entry. good works will not be taken into account. those of the more ancient mid-eastern faiths are ineligible as are residents of Quebec as stipulated in bill 75.2a)

As we are all well aware, the U.S. auto industry is in a shambles and teetering on the brink of catastrophe. The reasons are many: American complacency, Japanese ingenuity, German ingenuity, Korean ingenuity, Swedish ingenuity, Latvian underhandedness, and the solution thus far has been to throw piles of tax payer money at 2 of the Big 3 auto giants, GM and Chrysler.

Indeed, the latter company, now in 4th place among car manufacturers has partnered with Fiat after declaring hubris, I mean bankruptcy, earlier this spring.

Chrylser in paticular has tried all sorts of stop gap measures and gimmicks over the years but those days are gone says Fiat CEO Sergio Marchionne; "We are very happy to be back in the US market, so different from Europe but in many ways the same. Nothing the company has tried over the past 30 or so years really ever worked, with the possible exception of the air rifle give away, so we will be instituting a revolutionary policy shift and shall be announcing an important new partnership in the coming days!"

Of course here at The Blob we have sources who do our bidding (yes, the winged monkeys) and I've got my hands on the latest campaign....there will be some major retooling, and in ways that you can scarcely imagine. Here, have a look:

Let's get real. Maybe we here at Chrysler did get a little too big for our britches. Maybe somewhere along the way we got lost and in doing so have only ourselves to blame now that we've fallen on hard times. By teaming up with Fiat and paring down our operations we will be making major strides to remedy the situation but today Chrylser is proud to announce an important new partnership and a rebranding that fits with the American vision. We've gone upstairs, to the big man himself, as almost any troubled soul would do when nothing else seems to work.

Welcome to Christler....pray with us!!!"

Anything You Can do I Can do Bitter

Experts Recommend Classifying Bitterness As A Mental Disorder

Arlington, VA (AHN) - Mental health experts are recommending the reclassification of prolonged bitterness as a mental disorder.
The mental ailment is described is a pathological reaction to one negative life event like conflict at work, being laid off, divorce, ailment or separation in which the victim views the event as unjust and a violation of his basic belief and values.

Dr. Michael Linden, the German psychiatrist who named the behavior, explained to CanWest News Service, "People feel wronged, humiliated and that some injustice has been done to them... The critical part is this lasting and very intensive emotional embitterment, a mixture of depression and helplessness and hopelessness.... It's a very nasty emotion." http://www.calgaryherald.com/Health/Bitterness+touted+sanctioned+mental+disorder/1649023/story.html

I usually think of bitterness as one of the 4 tastes that we can perceive along with sweet, salty, and sour. The supposed 5th taste or "Umami" is a bogus attempt by the Japanese to assert their self-proclaimed sensory superiority over those of us in the West....or is it?
Umami is produced by Glutamic acid, also known as "xianwei" to the Chinese (literally; "Fresh Flavor"...which just turns out to be the name of 17% of all Deejays) This so called flavor, meaty and savory, actually has specific taste receptors on our tongue.
Big deal!! I bet there are thousands of receptors all over our body that we have yet to discover. Wait!!!...I just invented a new flavor
so now there are 6. It's called Steven and is reminiscent of the flavor of high school gym clothes.(it's a long story which I won't be discussing here, so I was f***ed up in high school...sue me!!!)
Thanks to the discovery of "umami" in 1908, by a Japanese scientist working with seaweed, we now have MSG. Those headaches and that mysterious white rash on your tongue after eating oriental food...thank the Japanese!!

But enough about taste. The bitterness referred to in the article is a whole other story. We all know a bitter person or two and are they fun to be around or what???

Whereas someone like myself may feel that life is too short to harbor this type of resentment the bitter person feels that life is too short because there is not enough time to right wrongs and get back at all those who have caused him harm. This is why the older an embittered person gets the worse the problem becomes. We all know about the biological clock but this is more a psychological timepiece and one of the few human processes that can ripen and mature well into the 80's.
I'm glad bitterness is finally getting it's due and officially achieving recognition as a treatable condition. All those years of languishing in unofficial limbo....somehow I'll never be able to forgive the bastards and assholes who were responsible for this!

Making the Cu t

Eaton Beaver said...
Dear Blob,

Thank God you're back! I have been trying to talk my girlfriend into getting a Brazillian wax, but she is hesitant and thinks it will hurt way too much. Normally I wouldn't care, but she's Greek you see, and needs some serious bushwackin' if you catch my drift. What can I say or do to convince her?

Yes Eaton, looks like I'm back in the nick of time, heaven forbid you should choke on a pube!!
There's no getting around it; a Brazilian wax job hurts, especially for those women who happen to be members of the more hirsute ethnicities. Take a look at the following video and give pause for a moment's thanks as you watch this parade of intrepid gals taking one for the team.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKRKo113xwA
That being said I do appreciate your concern and have been working overtime to help find an answer. My researchers (a crack team if ever there was one) have come back with what promises to be a virtually painless solution and have found me a new sponsor in the process!!



Intimate grooming has long been a concern for many women and here at Groomsman Inc. we've been catering to your depilation and lawn care needs since 1955. 25 years ago a revolution in miniaturization allowed us to shrink down our basic technology and bring our fine products literally "from the back yard to the front door!"
Now thousands of husbands and non-militant lesbians swear by our products as do multitudes of women who still nurse the scars of Brazilian waxings gone wrong.
You'll turn this:

Into this:


in no time!!!

The Making of "What Was I Waiting For??"

TROY HUBER writes:

Wouldn't mind knowing the steps that went into that bizarre photoshopping job on your ten commandments illustration





The process or processes involved in tranforming the photo at left into the one on the right are what we in the blogging community refer to
as "trade secrets".

My mandate is to answer any and all questions so despite an almost certain reprimand from the Union I'll come clean.

The effect in question while apparently easy to achieve is actually quite labour intensive.
Here then in note form is how I went about creating yesterday's image:

• After sitting for a 2 hour Motion Capture session where dozens of retroreflective markers were glued to my face, a negative 3D casting of my head was made in plaster of Paris.


• After realizing we forgot to remove the markers before the mold was made we started over.


• After realizing there was no need for the extensive motion capture procedure we went for lunch. (I had the tuna wrap)


• With the mold now dry a latex "positive" was made and left to harden.


• Once removed and cleaned it was wrapped in a thin fiberglass and resin mesh and shipped off to Madame Tussaud's in London where it was rendered in wax and shipped over to George Lucas' Industrial Light and Magic in California.


• Here the beard was formed by painstakingly removing the hair and some skin from a live Mandrill's face and ass (3 weeks from retirement and a fat IATSE pension, R.I.P. Jimmy Mahoney)

• 
  

• The removed materials were then shipped off to Sri lanka where rotating shifts of nimble fingered children completed the Moses beard which was then Fedexed back to I L and M for final touch up before affixing it to the waxen head.
• Assembly was done in stages by seperate teams to preserve secrecy and the finished product was emailed to my Mother for final approval.

Believe it or not: Charleton Heston's left hand in the original photo is in the exact position to play the famous chord at the beginning of The Beatle's "Hard Days Night". That's right...the very chord given to George Harrison, in a vision, by God himself!! http://www.noiseaddicts.com/2008/11/beatles-hard-days-night-mystery-chord-solved/

What Was I Waiting For??

More than 2 months and no new post. "What's up with that?" you may well ask and the more strident among you may even chime in with "Where the f**k have you been, assface??!!??"

Let's just say that with my personal life in upheaval I let The Blob take a back seat and have been waiting for a sign...a way back in. A way to resume the blog which for more than two years has been a source of mirth for 10's of people world wide!!

Today, in a conversation with a virtual stranger we discussed, by pure chance, the Jewish holiday called Shavuot or to us non-Hebrew speakers the more familar Shavuous (pronounced sha-voo-iss)

Having spent many years at Hebrew school I've heard about this holiday but wasn't paying attention when they told us what it was about (every year for 7 years).

My only reall connection with the holiday was in the idiomatic expression of impatience "What are you waiting for...Shavuous???" (always to be said with a slightly annoyed whine)

Well today just so happens to be Shavuous, the celebration of God giving Moses the 10 commandments on Mount Sinai.

Just as Moses left his flock for a time to go off by himself to do some soul searching so have I.

Just as Moses was given the 10 commandments I too recieved a visitation and a special message in the form of a bearded postman with a coupon for Quizno's. That's right Quizno's with it's great sandwiches and "fixins" bar where you can customize your meal with the now famous "10 condiments"(really sorry about that).

So yes.....I was waiting for a sign and yes, I guess all this time I have indeed been waiting for Shavuous.

It's great to be back. Tell your friends: It's Blob time once again!!

It's That Time of the Year Again

You may have guessed that something was up yesterday with the dick-related post and with yet another one today your suspicions are now confirmed; it is indeed Venezuelan National Penis Week once again (as declared by president for life Hugo Chavez only a few years ago). A quick check of the archives will reveal a mid-December date but the holiday, as decreed by El Presidente, moves back and forth month-wise, between December and March. http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/12/members-only.html


http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/12/venezuelan-national-penis-week-at-blob.html

To celebrate I've unearthed a clip from last February dealing with a beloved TV character....I missed it when it first aired, sort of just slipped through the crack I guess, but thanks to the internet here it is as fresh, relevant, and penisy as ever:

http://www.tvshark.com/read/?art=arc3132

Oh What a Night!!

Alaska's Mount Redoubt Erupts -- and Erupts and Erupts -- Five Times in One Night

March 23, 2009

Mount Redoubt, Alaska has finally erupted after two long months of teasing with tremors and steam puffs. The first eruption took place at 10:38 pm March 22, 2009. This initial eruption was estimated to have shot ash just below 20,00 feet in the air and rose the alert level from
Orange/Watch which was elevated after a small hiccup last week, to Red/Warning. Mount redoubt has erupted four more times following the first eruption on Sunday evening. The second at 11:02 pm, the third at 12:14 am March 23, 2009, a forth at 1:39 am, and the most recent at 4:37 am. As of yet the highest cloud height has been an impressive 50,000 feet.

So begins the newswire report about the mountain's first eruption in a lengthy 20 year refractory period.

Young in geological terms and virile by any standards, this stud of a volcano put on a show that had many a nearby hillock quaking and shivering in response.

Mt. Redoubt, shown at left enjoying a post eruption smoke, spewed its final load close to 15,000 meters. Mused visiting vulcanologist Spenk Urmler; "That was quite an impressive display....5 times, and such height!! I can go once a night, maybe twice and I'm lucky if I can hit the computer screen!"

(ed. note: Bad Segue Alert)

And while we're on the subject of male sexuality let me invite you to follow this link to an interview by Terry Gross with the actor Jason Segel (pictured below). Terry Gross, of the venerable NPR program Fresh Air, is perhaps the finest interviewer on the continent but she outdoes herself here with what may be the very best question I've ever heard followed by an answer from Segel that is every bit as incredible. This will be well worth your while....trust me (don't worry, it's funny and in no way educational.) http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=102232289&m=102241615

A Whiff of Spring

It's that magical time of the year once again here in the North country. Hearts hardened by a winter's worth of miserable cold now thaw like the crud covered piles of snow that encase our cities. There's a sense of promise and renewal in the air and also the unmistakeable aromas that accompany this annual transition to springtime. As happy as we are about the return of warm weather just think of how overjoyed our dogs are; dogs, who experience the world through senses that have been honed to a keen edge by eons of evolution. Their noses are 7,000,000 times more sensitive than our own (ed note: possibly an exaggeration) and their hearts at least as big. Imagine then their joy, as a simple walk outdoors becomes a canine version of trolling through FaceBook looking up old pals. The frozen turds of January (turn of phrase available for book or movie. Prices may vary) are warming now as well and as they do they give of fragrant hints of friends who have passed by long ago. If you think we, with our limited sensory capacity, are happy these days just imagine our beloved furry companions.

If only there was a way to give them this joy during the more or less housebound winter months.

Here at The Blob we've scanned the internet and have found just such a product. They've been added to the sponsor list...did someone say "spring is in the air"?

Speaking of dogs here's a little clip that you may find amusing;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJYqMhIYw58

A New Sponsor (yay)

Satellites colliding, an asteroid coming dangerously close to Earth.....stories in the news of late and stories that will be repeated more frequently, if what trusted scientists and engineers are telling us, is true.

Here at Pro-Techs our goal is not to alarm but to protect you, the consumer, from these impending disasters and with that in my mind we are proud to unveil The ASTRO 3000; the very lastest in space debris and asteroid cranial protection.

Our latest model comes from the factory straight to you with many exciting new safety features including a space age Absorbotron interior and the new LOMS (large object motion sensor) system for maximum comfort and protection.

Leave your house with confidence wearing a new ASTRO 3000!!

The 7 Good Qualities - #3: Tact

Paradise Girl said:

Ah Maria, if you're going to take the Blob in a contest at least make it a fair one!!! You know he has forsaken drinking booze so choose another talent like a bake off or eating him under the table.

This excerpted comment, courtesy of Turks or Caicos resident Paradise Girl, will help me illustrate Good Quality #3. You see...the Maria she refers to is none other than Blob regular Maria Callous, the young and voluptuous daughter of 2 dear friends, also habitual Blobites.

The comment presented me with a moral dilemma in the guise of a fabulous straight line, i.e. the last 5 words. An innocuous, idiomatic expression sure enough but at just a slightly different angle all sorts of images of another type of interesting contest emerge.

I've decided to take the high road and forsake all manner of crude punchlines because I think of young Maria as my daughter or niece or at very least the perverted, sinful, daughter or niece I never had. In so doing I am displaying TACT, the very quality that seperates us from the wild beasts that populate the land, sea and sky of our fragile planet.

TACT is the art of appropriate behaviour and timing, discernment, and context are its essence.

A chimp, for instance, has no qualms about eating his own excrement in public but most of us wouldn't be caught dead engaging in such a vile demonstration.

I won't take the bait Paradise Girl and any suggestions, even of the "golden straight line" variety, about having Maria "eat me under the table" have fallen on deaf and tactful ears.

Let me be an example to us all!!

The 7 Good Qualities - #2: Reliability

Gerbil Day: A Lesson in Reliability

Every March 2nd Augusto Munoz, a lonely single man from Onansville, Tennesee, emerges from his apartment with his pet gerbil Pépé carefully tucked into the cleft of his buttocks. At the annual ceremony he squats down in front of the assembled local dignitaries to reveal a sizeable plumber's crack and then the waiting begins. Within minutes the tiny and inquisitive rodent emerges...if the weather is temperate enough it will run away and winter will be short lived. If it is too cold he'll return to his cozy hollow and winter will overstay its welcome.

Spring will eventually follow, as welcome and reliable as Augusto and his gerbil. Seasonal traditions, no matter how vile, and especially those based on folk wisdom, help to humanize us all. Let's remember Augusto and little Pépé as we try to be reliable...the 2nd of the "7 good qualities".

The 7 Good Qualities - #1: Loyalty

A wise man once said "A picture is worth 1,000 words" and a somewhat wiser man said "Tastelessness is in the eye of the beholder." With those 2 axioms in mind take a look at this picture and let me know what you think.

I've heard that one of my regular readers, Maria Callous, has found God after not drinking for 7 days in a row so apologies in advance. OK then...here it is:

Now Here's a Great Question!!

Nel said...

Why did I ever stop reading the Blob? It's genius!

As we all know, The Blob is at heart an advice column. It says so in the masthead so it must be true and even though I stray into other areas of commentary and observation I cherish moments like these when a question comes my way....OK, time for my answer.

Few of you know that I spent one summer at the FBI Profiling Camp for Teens. (slogan: We already know who you are) I was very shy and my parents figured that if I wasn't talking to girls at least I'd be able to figure them out from a distance by developing insight into the human psyche and improving stalking and observation techniques. My counselor/trainer was an old FBI operative named Arnold "Lick" Spittleman.
His gruff, world weary demeanor belied a crusty interior and he took me under his wing, teaching me everything that he knew about figuring who people were before knowing them, or without ever getting to know them for that matter.
So....who is this Nel and how can I answer her question:

• She's easily distracted, flighty even -enjoyed The Blob yet stopped reading it.
• She's college age...I'd say early 20's - the phrase "it's genius!" is a dead give away.
• Well educated - most if not all Blob regular readers, even the lapsed ones, are.
• Spontaneous and enthusiastic - exclamation mark usage.
• Somewhat unsure of herself, insecure but with a healthy sexual attitude - the self doubt inherent in the question and again, her love of The Blob.
• Probably a good looking brunette - educated guess/wishful thinking

I plugged these traits plus a few other character elements or "personemes" into my computer's FBI L'il Profiler software and it spat out a few possible examples of what a Nel or Nel-type would look like .
( ed. note: while Blob regular Maria Callous is a good looking brunette, she lacks the appropriate personemes to fit this particular profile)

So, long answer short, Nel is the kind of person who is faithful yet flighty, knows a good thing when she sees it and yet will deny herself pleasure simply because she forgets that she deserves it. Keep on reading The Blob Nel, and Welcome Back!!!

Obama-Valentine's Day-The Interview: Another Blob Exclusive

Preamble from the President of the United States of America:

Why The Blob? Why Valentine's Day? These are questions that would instantly come to mind and let me assure you that I am well aware of this.

Look...The Blob was one of my many grassroots supporters, a blog that backed me 100% after backing Hillary 100% and jumping ship when it became clear that I'd get the nomination. That being said, I have a few thoughts about Valentine's Day that I need to vent, The Blob has an exceedingly small readership so therefore any damage from my possibly incendiary comments will be minimal. Let's begin the interview.

Bl.- Welcome Mr. President, it's an honor and a privilege to have you here and may I add my belated congratulations on your

B.O.- Let's get on with it please...you've probably heard that I'm rather busy these days.

Bl.- Sorry sir. Ok then...I'm just a bit nervous is all (nervous,muffled laughter).

I've heard tell that you have a problem with Valentine's Day...could you elaborate please?

B.O.- Sure. I'm all for celebrating love but it has to be a 2 way street and these days, well, have you seen the commercials on TV? It's always about the man getting something for the woman, never the other way around. I've had a couple of my staffers researching this and they reckon that it's 100% of the ads that skew this way. What are we being told? That women's affection has to be bought with flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, what have you and on the day that we're told?? I haven't bought Michelle a thing on February 14th in years and she's fine with it...trust me on this one.

(Michelle Obama enters office and pulls up a chair)

M.O.- Good afternoon gentlemen (wry wink).

Happy Valentine's Day to the both of you. Barack honey....check under your pillow....you'll be glad you did.

B.O.- What a surprise dear. We were just talking about this special day! But then again I try to make every day Valentine's Day.

M.O.- Not that cop out again. You know that I expect this day to be special darling and I'm sure you're going to surprise me. It's too early in your presidency to be putting our relationship on the back burner and even though you've been fighting like mad to save this economy of ours I know you've taken a couple of minutes to think of me. I'd be pretty upset if you hadn't actually....I'd turn your stimulus package into a severance package if you know what I mean.

B.O.- (nervous, muffled laughter) Well you realize hon that it's not how much you love the people you know, it's how much you know the people you love.

M.O.-President puhleease!!! Spare me the lofty rhetoric....it won you an election but that's about it. I want a dozen roses or some chocolate truffles, maybe a teddy bear on my side of the bed by 9:30 or you can say goodbye to Hot Toddy (ed. note: pet name for her genital area named after Abe Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd) for the rest of this fiscal quarter. (Michelle turns and makes a hasty exit)

BL- As you were saying sir?

B.O.- There's no need to be a smartass now, is there? This interview is over!

BL.- OK Mr. President...I've got a box of chocolates in my car. I bought them for my Mom then remembered that she's a diabetic...OOPS!! (entire room convulses in riotous laughter) Do you want em??

B.O.- Ummm, yeah...sure.

What an interview, what an honour!! I agree that Valentine's day is a crock of shit BUT just to be on the safe side I'm sending out this song to the one I love. I mean every word that these other people have thought of, written down, and set to music. Phyllis...you're the greatest!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alvEUFJtMw8&feature=related