Apocalypse Soon

Not to be to alarmist here at The Blob (where I try to keep the tone as light and gay as U.S. figure skating champ Scotty Hamilton) but I've been noticing that things have seemed to be spiralling downwards at a frightening rate. This is on a global level mind you and not just relegated to my house any more.

The major ills that plague us; food shortages, bizarre weather patterns, shattered economies etc. have as their root cause the oil industry and our pathetic dependance on its poisonous mother's milk.

In North America at least, our soft, cushy lifestyle is being rendered obsolete as we awake from a consumerist dream into a realist's nightmare... "Uh ohhh, we can't make this work anymore. Let's move back to the city, sell the car, eat less and stop buying stuff we don't really need!!"

Even if enough people start to think along these lines there may still be no stopping the advent of a hellish way of life seen in the cult classic Soylent Green (which, I believe, is people), now only a decade or so away. (think hordes of homeless, sickly, immigrants clamoring for sustenance, being carted away in people mover/garbage trucks only to be secretly turned into food). The choice is now ours....either change our ways or party like there's no tomorrow till the end of days, (my place: tuesday 8:30!!!)

Of course the fact that the petroleum cartels are raking in mind boggling profits is bad for their PR as is global warming and the consequent rise in the price of flour, rice, corn, soy and eventually everything else.

To pacify the masses the price of our toys (50" plasma HDTV's, cameras and other high tech gadgets) has been plummeting but this is no longer working so oil company big wigs have trotted out another campaign designed to influence the younger generation who they fear may shun them in favor of a more earth-friendly lifestyle.

Says EXXON spokeswoman Nabillah Haddad-Fisk: "Marrying people's dependancy on the oil industry to the Hip Hop craze is an idea whose time has come. Both are world wide, pan-cultural phenomena that cut across class lines and are heavily wedded to a materialistic world view. We needed an outreach to tomorrow's consumer so we found ourselves a rapper to spread our message....people need petroleum and we need people...it's as simple as that!!"

A few days ago regular contributor Dixxx asked me who my favorite rapper was. I listened to the new Mobil Oil sponsored CD and have to admit that the heady mix of rhythm, rhyme, and laissez-faire economics puts this new guy at the top of my list. I strongly urge you to give it a listen. Time to go gas up the van, check out a sale on GPS systems/pocket organizers and put a downpayment on next weeks cereal rations for the kids.