Daily Double

PARTYBEAR Writes (In reaction to the attention paid to the bountiful Julie Couillard):

Blobeleh,

Please get on the most important story of the last two weeks: my new crush, Larissa Kelly's seven-day streak on Jeopardy.

MIKEXXSTER's reply:

Television, or"TV", as the great unwashed mass of mouth-breathers calls it, is not worth a tinker's cuss compared to even one pair of Magnificent Mams!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????Unless this Larissa Kelly of yours has some sweet, sweet Sweater Puppies goin' on, you are one sick, sick Party Bear!!!

Now, now, gentlemen. We can all get along. Larissa, who's impressive streak just ended, is the real deal!! I want to keep all Blobophiles happy and with that in mind spent quite a while researching this topic and combing the internet for just the right photo of the brainy miss Kelly.

You can put down your sabres and pick up your tankards for once again there is joy in Blobville:

Please...don't go. Don't even think about it!!

Sex and the City: the Movie is opening today and predictably the Hollywood hype machine has been in overdrive for some time now. I've purposefully avoided looking at any reviews so that I make a pristine prediction; it will suck!! The film will however garner a few good comments where apologetic critics will say things like "If you were a big fan of the TV series you'll love it", "I was surprisingly moved by the honesty", "The non-stop parade of fashion was a feast for the eyes" etc.

Logic dictates that the show was terrible and the movie will follow suit. The show was inane, poorly written, and horribly acted but it did allow regular women to fantasize that when they gossiped with their girlfriends at some dime-a-dozen coffee shop, they were as coolly pathetic as the female fab four. It also lowered the bar on discourse and allowed womanly raunch talk to be acceptable in public; the lusty Samantha could talk openly about swallowing sperm or something and the demure Charlotte would cringe and change the subject to provide the proper balance. Some guys even enjoyed eavesdropping on good looking babes talking dirty like I do when I'm alone at Second Cup pretending to read the paper.

Where two women sharing their feelings and discussing sex over a cocktail, dressed to the nines at a chic watering hole, is fun, four of them is a veritable gang bang!!

If I knew more about pornography, (which I don't) I'd go on to give any number of parallels between this show and more X-rated fare but since most of The Blob readership are connoisseurs of the genre they can adeptly fill in the blanks themselves.

This show and now the movie, like steamy romance novels or soap operas, is little more than porn for women and that's OK. Most guys however don't get too turned on by haute couture (unless it's "Fashion File" or "Nipples on Parade" as I like to call it) and appreciate talk as long as it's followed by action. e.g.

• "Miss Jorgensen your tax return is done."
• "But I forgot my wallet Mr. Harden, can I pay you some other way??"
• (cue rhythm guitar) "I'm sure we can work something out."

I just hope you ladies who insist on going, allow your man (if you have one) to stay home and that you let him rent whatever he wants, Anal Accountant vol.17 comes highly recommended. Excellent dialogue, fabulous locations, and the pants, shoes, and neckties are to die for!!

Hey Maxime...Don't let the "bedbugs" bite!!

Of late Canadian political scandals have failed to capture the public's imagination and have been of little interest internationally. Obscure tales of patronage, misspent funds, and old, powerful men doing shady things with tax dollars have been the rule but now the exception, a sex scandal, appears to have legs (and really, really, nice boobs as well).

Foreign affairs minister Maxime Bernier resigned today hours after his ex-girlfriend, Julie Couillard (herself, the former moll for a couple of characters with ties to the Hell's Angels) revealed that Max had mistakenly left some sensitive government files in her bedroom.

She claims among other things, that CSIS (Canada's CIA) found evidence of bugging devices in her boxspring, that she has been humiliated as a woman, but that she was not a mole for organized crime.

With any luck this thing will drag on as the drooling press has a field day and we will be blessed when Mlle. Couillard accepts a generous offer from Playboy to disrobe in print and maybe even on video (gentlemen, cross your fingers!!).

And so a square jawed, Quebecois political golden boy (and Easter Island statue look alike) will take the heat for a while and then re-emerge quietly with some cushy corporate job away from the prying eyes of the press and public. Maybe he and Julie will reunite and if not...Julie, you can get my number from Michaelle Jean...we'll talk.

The bottom line is that this is only a scandal because of Bernier's old, brief, 2nd hand organized crime links (non-existent really), his errant handling of some gov't files (and honestly...this is Canada. What of any importance could have been revealed? The location of the next Khandahar Tim Horton's ??) but mostly because Julie Couillard is a hot babe with big, fabulous, tits. What could be more fun than bringing down a good looking, successful, guy who's scoring with a beautiful, younger woman.....probably nothing. Well, almost nothing (really Julie, I'm a great listener, call me).

Easing into Year III

The posts have been pretty sporadic recently and I suppose as a good Canadian I should apologize, but I won't. Sure I could spew out a dozen excuses, each valid and believable to a certain extent, but I won't do that either.

I've simply been procrastinating. There...I said it!

The industrious bastard half of me that's American has been lulled to sleep by the kindhearted yet slothful Canadian half and The Blob may be in serious trouble. We haven't even reached the hazy, lazy days of summer yet and already I'm in the doldrums.

Why only yesterday when I should have been writing I spent several hours at a new store that caters to the legions of sedentary people just like me. It was quite heavenly actually; the latest in video gaming tech gear, all manner of audio/visual gadgetry, aisle upon aisle of processed, heat'n'serve food, sofas, mattresses, bedding, a small robot (like a roomba) to help locate and retrieve the TV remote control (finally, God has answered one of my prayers!!), books on tape, shoes with no laces, clip-on ties in the latest styles, golf equipment....a veritable paradise for the man who wants to do not too much.

I liked the store so much that I spoke to the manager and they're now a sponsor. Take a look at the ad and then take a cab on over to see the real thing for yourself!

Just in Under the Wire - HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOB!!!!

Today, May the twenty first in the year two thousand and eight, marks the second anniversary of The Blob. Happy Birthday wishes have been pouring in from across the globe to commemorate this auspicious occasion. Here's an example from the office of her royal highness, thr hottest cup of whipped mochachino in politics, Michaelle Jean, governor general of the great and sovereign (sort of) nation of Canada:

Dearest Blob,

On behalf of the government of Canada and her majesty Elizabeth II, queen of England, I wish to offer my congratulations on this May 21st, 2008, the 2nd birthday of your blog.

Over these last 2 years we have followed the progress of The Blob with amusement, glee, shame, and even lawyers. As your readership grows and you attract people from all corners of the world it goes without saying that you act as an ambassador for our great nation, spreading sexual innuendo, scientific disinformation, and euphonium based humour (my personal favorite) with a Canadian slant.

I still remember that weekend 3 years ago when our passion got the best of us. Little did I know then that I would go on to become a leading federalist pol and you would become a shining light in the firmament that is the blogosphere.

While we've gone our seperate ways, (and I can understand why the daily challenge of amusing your 10's of readers would keep you from answering any of my calls or emails) I'd just like to remind you that the door to my orifice is always open.

You needn't worry about Sarkozy and his Gallic suavity. It's all a facade as was made clear when he insisted that I supply both the condoms and the Cialis. At least you, my dear man, had the gallantry to spring for both!!

In closing may I just say again Happy Birthday and may your success continue for many years. You've made Canada and Canadians very proud or at least somewhat less unproud.

love,

Michy

Apocalypse Soon

Not to be to alarmist here at The Blob (where I try to keep the tone as light and gay as U.S. figure skating champ Scotty Hamilton) but I've been noticing that things have seemed to be spiralling downwards at a frightening rate. This is on a global level mind you and not just relegated to my house any more.

The major ills that plague us; food shortages, bizarre weather patterns, shattered economies etc. have as their root cause the oil industry and our pathetic dependance on its poisonous mother's milk.

In North America at least, our soft, cushy lifestyle is being rendered obsolete as we awake from a consumerist dream into a realist's nightmare... "Uh ohhh, we can't make this work anymore. Let's move back to the city, sell the car, eat less and stop buying stuff we don't really need!!"

Even if enough people start to think along these lines there may still be no stopping the advent of a hellish way of life seen in the cult classic Soylent Green (which, I believe, is people), now only a decade or so away. (think hordes of homeless, sickly, immigrants clamoring for sustenance, being carted away in people mover/garbage trucks only to be secretly turned into food). The choice is now ours....either change our ways or party like there's no tomorrow till the end of days, (my place: tuesday 8:30!!!)

Of course the fact that the petroleum cartels are raking in mind boggling profits is bad for their PR as is global warming and the consequent rise in the price of flour, rice, corn, soy and eventually everything else.

To pacify the masses the price of our toys (50" plasma HDTV's, cameras and other high tech gadgets) has been plummeting but this is no longer working so oil company big wigs have trotted out another campaign designed to influence the younger generation who they fear may shun them in favor of a more earth-friendly lifestyle.

Says EXXON spokeswoman Nabillah Haddad-Fisk: "Marrying people's dependancy on the oil industry to the Hip Hop craze is an idea whose time has come. Both are world wide, pan-cultural phenomena that cut across class lines and are heavily wedded to a materialistic world view. We needed an outreach to tomorrow's consumer so we found ourselves a rapper to spread our message....people need petroleum and we need people...it's as simple as that!!"

A few days ago regular contributor Dixxx asked me who my favorite rapper was. I listened to the new Mobil Oil sponsored CD and have to admit that the heady mix of rhythm, rhyme, and laissez-faire economics puts this new guy at the top of my list. I strongly urge you to give it a listen. Time to go gas up the van, check out a sale on GPS systems/pocket organizers and put a downpayment on next weeks cereal rations for the kids.

POST #400 (woohoo!!!!!)

This is my 400th post and while it's far from what you're used to it's the best I can do at the moment. My GF Phyllis flew in this morning, (I spent much of the week putting off housecleaning) big show tomorrow with the soon to be internationally famous Griffon Brass Band and well...The Blob has had to take a back seat. I promise that the next post will be better (promise!)

Whatever the excuse I know nobody really cares. They just want tits, ass, and the occasional euphonium joke and many pray daily for Jewish porn (you know who you are Ahmed, Hosni, Tarik etc.)

Hey Sarkozy; Get your Brie covered hands off of her!!!

PARIS - Gov. Gen. Michaelle Jean charmed French media and even had President Nicolas Sarkozy swooning during a visit to France. Jean was officially there to take part in celebrations marking Quebec City's 400th anniversary.
But the French press soon became enamoured with Canada's "charming," "beautiful" and "intelligent" Governor General.
One leading newspaper went so far as to dub her an "elegant mix of Lady Diana and Nelson Mandela."

Dearest Michaelle,

This was bound to happen sooner or later ,what with all your travels and all, and I'm referring of course to an FL (foreign leader) falling in love with you just as you once did with me on that infamous weekend some 3 years ago when our passion and lust got the best of us and you forced yourself upon me (listen to me ramble on like an exciteable schoolgirl!).

I've been spurning your advances since then in order to devote myself entirely to writing The Blob but seeing you in the clutches of that slimeball Sarkozy, (described in these pages as " a smarmy mix of Napoleon, Jean-Paul Belmondo, and an old, well-worn loafer") has stirred old feelings and quite frankly has me pining for you and rethinking our relationship, or at least the few jagged shards which remain after I broke your heart.

I know that I never answered any of the dozens of emails you sent but if it's any consolation I saved them all and spent last night reading them again and again.

I see that you had a private session with Segolene Royale. You and she are the only 2 FLILF's left on my list after the untimely departure of Benazir and Hilary's descent into shrill desperation. The idea of the 2 of you together, discussing foreign policy, stocking clad knees accidentally touching as you sit facing each other in two well upholstered leather chairs, me delivering a pizza and....well, you know the rest. Suffice to say I barely slept last night.

Michaelle I was wrong. I state this publicly, filled with regret but without shame, and I ask you to take me back. Yes, I have a girlfriend, and yes, she is coming to visit in a few days but if you are planning a trip to Montreal I can arrange to free myself up for a few hours so we can rekindle the dying embers that still burn in our hearts (blowing usually does the trick if I remember correctly from scout camp).

The Weak in Review

Once again I leave for a week (internet problems and procrastination beyond my control) and all hell breaks loose. It's more than likely that there's absolutely no correlation but there remains, nevertheless, a small chance that my absence was the root cause of much that went wrong internationally over the past few days.

I call this the directed chaos theory. Unlike the original chaos theory that famously postulated that a butterfly flapping its wings in China could lead to a tornado in Iowa my theory holds that me, neglecting my blog, can cause a devastating flood in Myanmar, political missteps by Hilary Clinton, corruption in the Israeli government, and a butterfly in China to flap its wings.

Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert is accused of taking a bribe from some American Jewish businessman and now I'm supposed to convince everyone that there's no Zionist banking conspiracy (geez!!). There's no conspiracy people....we just control global mass media and that's it!!! and most of New York.

Hilary vows to fight her losing battle till the bitter end as the infighting democrats invent yet another way to lose a "sure-win" election. (and I usually enjoy the smell of female desperation)

Myanmar's paranoid and isolated military rulers (Heartless is the lonely Junta) deprive millions of aid because of fear of foreigners (and frankly, who can blame them, I mean really?? The country is already massively overpopulated and if losing a few thousand expendable souls means keeping out dozens of bearded, besandal-ed do gooders then I say " go for it!")

I know, I know....all this news stuff is boring. I think Fox News may have found the answer. Before I hit the sack check out some of these anchor babes; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVUDQNMzL4w&feature=related and if that's not enough watch these Germans playing charades http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVUDQNMzL4w&feature=related. Gute nacht.

Up and Running

The good news is that my internet connection is off the fritz (I really shouldn't have to explain that) so as soon as I have a few moments to spare I'll kickstart The Blob and we'll have at it once again. While I wait for the creative sap to start running again you can amuse yourselves by checking out this website. It's a fairly clever, racist, 21st century take on the yuppie bashing phenomena of the Reagan era and it appears to be fairly popular to boot. Thousands of people log on to this site every day but I'm in no way jealous.
I prefer to toil anonymously and for my small coterie of friends and the legions of Syrians, Saudis, and Iranians who come looking for Jewish porn and stay for the laughs. Oh yeah...here's the site:http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/
I know I should post something of substance but I just got back from playing hockey, put the finishing touches on a Mother's day carrot cake (there's surely an icing joke in there somewhere but I can't be bothered) and now will let Conan O'Brien lull me to sleep....perchance to think of something to write here one of these days.

A Groundhog has Gnawed my Cable

The Blob wishes to apologize for a lull in posting. There appears to be a problem with my internet connection, most likely due to the voracious and careless groundhog who owns my house. The Bell Sympatico technicians have been advised and are thinking about getting around to investigating the problem as we speak!
This is a remote post from an educational institution where I work so I must be brief (and pure of heart). Uh oh....the security guard is coming, gotta run.....

There's Something About Milkmaids

Almost every occupation has been fetishized or at least served as fantasy fodder for both men and women. Indeed many jobs have become staples in sexual role playing i.e. The cowboy and the school marm, nurse and doctor (or patient), delivery boy (usually mildly retarded) and bored housewife, actuary and investment banker.....OK, maybe not that one but still, you get the point.

This is a facet of human behaviour that goes back centuries or more. Indeed the photo at left (courtesy of the Louvre-Antiquities; Egyptology Dept.- Role Play wing) details an amorous coupling between Nimanhotep and Nefertiti III, with their attendants in tow, as they precede coitus with an elaborate foreplay ritual where they pretend to be an irate customer and a fishmonger. (it's all there in black and white folks, and besides, most fish markets I know of are veritable brothels, especially when the fresh hake comes in!)

One of the all time classics is the milkmaid who, in tandem with the plowman, was a staple of erotica and bawdy song as far back as the 1800's. Here's a brief example:

"As Nell sat underneath her cow, Upon a cock of hay, Brisk John was coming from the plough, And chanc'd to pass that way: Like lightning to the maid he flew, And by the hand he squeez'd her; Pray John, she cry'd, be quiet do, And frown'd because he teaz'd her" etc.

As men we're all familiar with teachers, nurses, nuns, librarians and the like but the milkmaid holds special sway even though none of us have ever seen one. What then is the power of this archetype? I'm no Freudian (and I killed the last guy who said I was....just happened to be my Dad) but the whole mommy/breast feeding thing is in there somewhere as is the suggestive image of the knowing hand on the cows teat. More importantly we have a woman at one with nature, at once innocent yet knowing in the ways of animal husbandry who, if she's willing to mess around with a cow's nether regions, will probably do anything you want without flinching.

The reality is that milkmaids probably smell like cow, have sore backs, and are often exhausted but hey...don't let me rain on your parade.

The milkmaid has made her way into all manner of cultural forms of expression, from literature to erotic film, from ceramics to fine art (see vermeer).

Just look at these lovely Delft salt and pepper shakers I got at an antique fair a while back. For some reason the craftsman forgot the holes. A weird error yes but sure to increase the value. My girlfriend took a shine to the darn things and I haven't seen them since! (strangely enough I haven't seen her either)

While I'm giving examples here's yet another, this time from the pulp fiction genre of the 1950's:

This has been another in "The Blob" Sexual Archetypes Educational Outreach series

What Does Mayday Mean to You?

It's May 1st and traditionally workers across the globe gather in large throngs with placards, yelling about this or that and are featured for about 5 seconds on the evening news.

For all us working stiffs, full or part time (semi-stiff?) , it's a day to reflect back on the fiscal year that was. Our receipts have been sorted, tax forms mailed in and a lazy, hazy summer waits just around the corner.

Things seem to be OK and yet who are these angry people marching everywhere. Based purely on ill informed conjecture I'd say that 70% are dyed-in-the-wool syndicalists, union organizers and the like. The rest are a scruffy coalition of nostalgic commies, anarchists, pacifists (any excuse for a nice walk), and maybe even a handful of misguided survivalists.

Both the survivalists and the anarchists hate big government and mega corporations. The survivalists come from way to the right and the anarchists from way to the left and differ mainly in that the former are more open about blaming everything on the Jews.

Another seasonal tradition that I'm not clear about is the Maypole. I know what one looks like, I think that comely maidens grab a ribbon and dance around, and it may have originated as a pagan fertility rite (God knows why they'd have used a pole for that!!). Today the ceremony is practiced year round by comely maidens in strip clubs. Honestly, I don't understand the stripper pole either. It's not erotic and if I wanted to see naked gymnastics I'd just go to my local grocery ....(new management, new policy, 73% increase in sales).

Anyways, maybe people are angry because of the global food shortage, rising commodity prices (especially oil), global warming, record foreclosure rates as the middle class gets compressed downwards etcetera, etcetera. All this as the oil companies rake in record profits; the fat cats getting fatter as the thin cats get thinner.

Again, this is all guesswork. There's such comfort in not knowing for sure. Maybe I'll watch some TV now.....