Seeing is Believing

I saw the televised press conference today where they announced, yet again, that a new hall will be built for the MSO. All the dignitaries were there....Mayor Tremblay, The provincial cultural minister, Maestro Kent Nagano, and premier Jean Charest who I swear referred to the conductor as "Monsieur Unesco"! Whatever it was it wasn't "maestro" and no where near "Nagano". The last time they made such an announcement I was cautiously optimistic but still had plenty of reservations which I freely expressed on the Yahoo OCSM site (orchestral musicians group) since I'd heard the same old song and dance many times with no results to speak of. For some reason the head of the MSO's musician's commitee, a very paranoid man, gave me shit for this, as though my doubts could sink the whole project.( he truly believed this!!) Well....maybe he was right because no one ever raised a shovel. Sorry about that.
Will this time be any different? We can only live in hope just like our old pal Charlie Brown.

Mystery Solved!

It took me a while but I found out who Anonymous Critic was and then another problem arose. Someone else was using her name and correcting my grammar and spelling, all the while making their own horrific mistakes which I chose to overlook despite the great temptation to correct and criticize. I falsely accused Viv and her husband Dave, only to learn soon after that it was their wayward son Travis pictured here in an artist's rendering.
Where would a boy have learnt such pedantic behaviour, and at such a tender age to boot!? I can only look his Mom square in the face, point a bony and gnarled finger and declaim boldly J'accuse! It's agreed that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree but Travis if I may address you directly: "Please...stop the madness. You come from a long line of fault finders on both sides but the cycle must end somewhere. The balls in your court. Be a real man and resist commenting on the missing apostrophe in the word "balls" or how "ball is"would be even better. You'll be glad you did!"

Movin'on On

In 3 days I'll be leaving the comfortable confines of my home and God willing, will return a month later. I'll discuss the field research I'll be doing shortly but I 1st must assure the 2 or 3 of you who regularly read the Blob that any interruption in my daily musings will be temporary.
Now then...about my travels. For years now I've been somewhat of an amateur anthropologist, poring over weighty tomes in musty university libraries (although, again, the mustiness may have been my undershirt), studying the writings of my predecessors, and dreaming of one day being able to make my own journey of discovery. Amazingly, such an opportunity has recently arisen and I've jumped at the chance...I embark upon my voyage this thursday.
Anthropology is a vast and rich field of study. In recent years I've narrowed my focus and have concentrated on 2 specific areas:

1. The Maputo people of Lesotho who engaged in tribal warfare using only passive/aggresive techniques of engagement. (see "The War of the 20 Year Silent Treatment" Harper Collins 1975)
2. A lost group of Viking explorers who broke away from the Jensen clan and, led by Thorvald the Narcoleptic, contravened all existing trade and attack routes and mistakenly headed east instead of west. As legend has it they arrived on the shores of Western Canada some 7 years later and have been largely disregarded by academics because of an almost total lack of solid proof.

About a year ago a colleague of mine put me in contact with an aged prospector (one of the remaining few) who'd staked a claim in the British Columbia interior. Murphy, as I call him, swore that he'd glimpsed some fantastic and puzzling things that I found most promising to say the least! There were the tales of feral children and adolescents running naked through the woods covered thickly in mud and at night; strange sounds of the elders communicating in a series of raucous hoots and what can best be described as belching noises. He also witnessed almost continuous communal grooming during the day similar to the behaviour of certain lesser primates.

Murphy is an honest soul who lives a simple life in touch with the land that he knows so well. He often says "The way I reckons it, it's the dirt what makes ya clean" and over these last few months I've come to trust him. He does like his whiskey though and my colleagues discount his tales as the lunatic ravings of a drunken old fool. I, on the other hand, thinking he may have been on to something, applied for 2 study and exploration grants and was successful in both cases. So, this thursday I set out for the uncharted B.C. interior and hope to establish a base camp in a place known to the locals as Hornby Island, site of the last alleged contact with the missing tribe.

I take leave with a sense of excited anticipation and some anxiety. This is surely a small community if it exists at all and I must take great care in not contaminating the study subjects and/or their environment. Surely I will see classic examples of inbreeding, little if any social restraint and much impulsiveness. I assume for them a fibre rich woodlands diet but the excessive flatulence this engenders may prove my downfall. I can only hope to return home with body and mind intact and, with any luck, a raft of knowledge about a heretofore mythical forest people of the West. I bring only necessities and gifts of appeasement to ease my path towards acceptance by the Jensens; a Play station electronic gaming module, candy,prozac, bagels and beer.

I trust you will all bid me safe passage and Godspeed. If I'm not home by the end of of July please help yourselves to my stuff.

History for Kids

If the only thing you know about James Brown is that he is some drug and booze plagued, tax-evading, girlfriend beating, jailbird who used to perform then you probably are in your 30's. If you know even less about him then you're in your 20's and if you've never even heard of him then you're a teen. Generalizations?....sure, but more than likely true according to a recent press release from Statistics Canada. There's already a film clip of him in my archives section but here's an earlier one that should prove most educational for anyone who wonders what all the fuss is about:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g61CGsWBhJo&search=james%20brown%20night%20train

Thanks again to Dixxx for some interesting and thought provoking commentary (see "Payback time" comments) about Peruvian duellers and donkeys. I was intrigued enough to do some further research and came upon the story of a little known South American folk hero soon to be immortalized in film. His name was Alejandro del Cortes but to the peasants he was known only as GONZALEZ! (Cue Spanish guitar music) :

Gonzales! Down from the Peruvian Andes he rode on his trusty burro panchito...the donkey who knew his every thought.

Gonzales! Paramours and enemies alike trembled in his presence but never for the same reasons.

Gonzales! A swordsman, a lover, a defender of the people and now a film to cherish for the ages.

Mexico has its Zorro, Canada its Brian Mulroney, and now Peru.....Gonzales!

Rethinking the Urban Tank

Nice to see the lively commentary on my "Payback Time" post. The REAL A.C. asked the following question:

"What's the best way to avoid hitting large, suicidal mammals on the road at night, anyway?"

Thanks for asking and, as always, I have just the answer. I hope I'm correct in assuming that when you say "large, suicidal, mammal" you aren't referring to your husband. I'd suggest driving a Hummer. You'll be more than safe and forget about guilt. The truly nasty effects of global warming won't kick in until 5 or 10 years after we're gone. In the meantime get the big car and enjoy the balmy winters.

Apologies

Imagine Viv...someone cowardly enough to hide behind the name ("anonymous critic") that you were timidly hiding behind. Assuming that you're referring to your devilish husband I've redone the photo in the interest of fair play. If it wasn't you Dave then please accept my apologies for the satanizing and Viv please accept my apologies for the nazification.

CORRECTION

Apparently Brazen Beaver was right about the easy access to Soo'ermach's gennies. In the Scottish version of Superman he is indeed underpantless as is their tradition. So B.B. , feel free to fantasize away.

Payback Time!

Anonymous Critic said...
"K, Bob. I'm a bit insulted. Your atrocious syntaxical tendancies chill my very soul. "[...] your not up on your Dutch history [...]"?! Apparently you're not up on your grammar!"


What am I to make of these continued attacks? I'm not one to play the anti-semite card but this campaign smacks of classic Jew-baiting. Albert Speers, one of the architects of the third reich, said ominously some 75 years ago: "First, one must attack a people's misuse of grammar and spelling. Once they have been thusly seperated from the general population at large, events will unfold accordingly." It looks like someone I know has been doing her history homework!

Not so Fast

Brazen beaver writes:

"Your Soo'erMach character is a representation of all my fantasies compiled into ONE REAL MAN!!....red hair on the face, a burly chest wrapped in blue skintight fabric, and instant access to the genitals!!!!!!(not to mention a ballet type slipper!!) BLOB, I ASK YOU NOW.........HOW DID YOU KNOW!!!!!!"

Far be it from me to rain on your parade but anyone who knows anything about Soo'erMach knows that his outfit was crafted on the planet krypton. His panties are made of a synthesized wolfram (tungsten if you insist!) ytterbium blend. As of this day no one on earth has been able to reproduce such a fabric. (see the "Fairfield Textile Plant Disaster of 1993) So much for instant access...you'd need a bunker buster to get at that package.

Shocker at ANS Awards!!

Despite what can only be describes as overwhelming odds layed by Vegas bookmakers swallowing has won this year's Don Knotts Cup for the 1st time. This trophy, awarded annually to a body function regulated by the ANS (autonomic nervous system), has been won by either blinking or yawning in each of the past 7 years. Experts are not sure how or why the stranglehold was broken but once the news was announced the parties started and were still going on until the wee hours of the morning. Some of the revelers, besotted on special yogourt smoothies, taunted passing motorists with proud displays of their adam's apples but other than that and a few broken windows the situation never got out of hand.
Swallowing, a very important bodily function that facilitates eating and helps prevent drool, has fallen on hard times of late due to bad PR generated by several XXX Internet sites. It seems a last minute, grassroots lobbying campaign that started in Wisconsin (the Dairy State) and spread throughout the midwest helped to sway the judges.
The late Don Knotts, who built his career on a vast array of perfectly timed comedic blinks and gulps, donated the trophy 2 years before his death.

Coming Soon to a Glaswegian Megaplex

Little did I know that some of the major Hollywood studios put out Scottish versions of their more ambitious projects. Since their semi-independence a few years ago the Scots have rejected American cultural imperialism in a big way so the U.S. marketing wizards have answered back. Check it out! (clicking on the photo may enlarge it) ....For some reason this feature isn't working on this post, the small print says: Starring Duncan MacDougall with Andy Serkis as Duffy.

Hallelujah!!

Finally...A scientific study that validates my lifestyle. See for yourselves how my housekeeping or lack thereof has always been borne of an instinctive feeling that it was the right thing to do (or not do). Read on, and on a personal note; "Mom...Phyllis...please withhold any and all apologies until we meet face to face. Pardon me while the kids and I go roll around on the bathroom floor" Now the article:

A comparison of rats living in the wild and the lab lends support to the idea that an overly hygienic environment can lead to allergies and autoimmune diseases.
According to the "hygiene hypothesis," exposure early in life to infections from household dust, germy siblings or surfaces may reduce the risk of developing disease in adulthood.
William Parker, a professor of experimental surgery at Duke University in Durham, N.C., and his team compared lab rodents to more than 50 rats and mice captured and killed in cities and farms.
"Laboratory rodents live in a virtually germ- and parasite-free environment, and they receive extensive medical care — conditions that are comparable to what humans living in Westernized, hygienic societies experience," Parker said in a release.
"On the other hand, rodents living in the wild are exposed to a wide variety of microbes and parasites, much like humans living in societies without modern health care and where hygiene is harder to maintain."
Industrialized societies that emphasize hygiene have higher rates of allergy, asthma and autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis compared to the developing world.

Happy World Refugee Day!!

It's June 20th once again and my how time flies. It seems like only yesterday that I was running around doing my last minute preparations for WR Day and here we are again! Already today I've taken a refugee out for lunch and I've just allowed 3 of them to set up a tent on the outer perimeter of my property. (Must remember to tell them to pull up stakes by 11 before the gardener gets here to do his mowing and watering.)

My guests arrived only days ago from Burundi with tales of woe and squalor but I could only laugh..."Squalor??... have a look at my kitchen floor. It hasn't been washed in 3 weeks and just try getting raspberry coulis stains out of terra cotta!!" They only speak a few words of English but the body language of those beset by insurmountable problems is international...we were on common ground. Nosholi the eldest told me that he used to be a health care worker before he was uprooted and his family massacred. "Health care worker" I thought, and my instincts proved me right...Nosholi gives a fabulous massage, even with the mangled left arm. I've gotta go now...I've got a big surprise that I rigged up for my guests' supper and it's one that's sure to make them feel at home. When I tug on a rope it will loosen a large crate that I've lodged high up in one of my ash trees. Sooner then you can say "come'n' get it" 35 pounds of finely ground millet meal will come hurtling out of the sky "foreign aid air drop" style. Just add water and dig right in!! Hope you're all having just as much fun.

World Heads Towards Abyss but Somehow it Doesn't Seem so Bad

Japan warns N.Korea on possible missile test
Sun Jun 18, 10:57 AM EST
By Teruaki Ueno

TOKYO (Reuters) - Japan warned North Korea on Sunday of "a harsh response" from Tokyo and Washington if it went ahead with the launch of a long-range missile.
Amid reports that a launch was imminent, a Japanese official quoted by the Sankei Shimbun daily said North Korea's leadership had told people to raise the flag at 2:00 p.m. (0500 GMT) and monitor television for a "message to the people." In other news a loving hound dog has adopted an orphaned faun.

Miss-perception

I'm gonna throw out a few words here and you place them next to either subject A or B. It doesn't matter whether or not you know these people and in fact, not knowing them makes this a fairer test of our perceptions. OK then, here's the list:

• Curmudgeonly
• Compassionate
• Pompous
• Pedantic
• Hospitable
• Babelicious
• Passive/Agressive
• Serene

I like to consider myself a good judge of character and I, like many of you would have put most of the negatively charged words next to subject A (although "babelicious" was a toss-up). These negatively charged words would also apply to my "Anonymous Critic" who has been picking on me and threatening me for a few days now over a friggin' apostrophe! For clarity's sake we'll call subj.A; "Dave" and subj.B ; "Viv" and guess what?? It's the lovely Viv who is the critic and not the bearish Dave as I had thought. This is freaking me out and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. The world as I knew it has ceased to exist and I feel like an untethered cork in a sea of brownish liquid (simile generator is back on line but still has a few kinks). Dave has warned me for years about Viv's dark side and I wouldn't have believed it until now. Whereas before I always pictured her wearing a halo and offering me pie I now see her in latex, carrying a whip (this is kind of intriguing actually). Mike, the euphoniumist, stands to inherit Viv when Dave keels over (as per their agreement) but maybe we can arrange a time-share. I'll be good ...I promise!

Off Come the Gloves

As expected the it's vs. its controversy has heated things up in Blob land. Threatened violence of the canine and pencil-related-gang-rape varieties, invective, secrecy....what more could anyone want? Here's an example from anonymous critic:

"I suspect your sense of gratitude might be displayed in a way which might be displeasing to me so I'll just stay anonymous, thank you very much. Anyway, even if you knew who I was, I know where YOU live, too. I'll give you a little hint, though: I have a ferocious guard dog. Next,I think I'd like a dissertation on the 2nd person plural as used (or mis-used) in English. I.e. "Yous guys" vs. Y'all. What side do you land on in this great debate."

Uh uh!! I'm not getting into the yous guys/y'all debate. The Mason-Dixon line is there for a reason and the American civil war was fought largely over that one issue (if I'm not mistaken). As for my mistakes I have to agree with the beaver woman...this is my blog so I should be careful but all other contributors shouldn't feel insecure about their spelling and grammar. Focus on the content without worrying that I'll be pedantic....life is too short.

I have a feeling I know who "anonymous critic" is. There's a spurned quality to the last couple of posts so let me just say "Back off Michaelle! I have to get on with my life. It was a fun weekend (really fun) but you have your governor general gig to attend to and I'll be heading out west for a month to visit Phyllis ....perhaps I'll call when I get back." Some chicks just don't understand the word "maybe"!

Coffee cover-up

As a Canadian it's a given that I'm a fan of Tim Horton's. Whether it's a road trip or a coffee break "T. HO's" is my restaurant of choice which is why I was a bit pissed off when they were bought out by Wendy's International ( a wholely owned subsidiary of EviCorp) a few years back. I've never had any gripes with "T. Ho's" save the one: their coffee cup lids. The handy lock'n'lift tabs never stay in place and even if they do the edges of the plastic that they leave behind cut into your lower lip like two really...sharp things (sorry, simile generator is on the fritz). They do everything else right so why do they get this so wrong?? Smelling a rat I decided to do a little cyber-sleuthing and even though I'm not big on conspiracy theories I may be on the trail of something big...you be the judge. Clearly the dome shaped cappuccino lid is the better option and it's widely available but think about it....Canada....long winters.....dry air.....chapped lips. The last thing you'd want is anything like jagged plastic irritating your chapped areas. Well, it just so happens that half the soothing lip balms (lipactin, herpex, labiyumm etc.) are made by the good people at Corning which is (big surprise) a wholely owned subsidiary of EviCorp! That's right, the same company that owns "T.Ho's". Let's stop being so Canadian! Let's rise up against this corporate evil! Email "T.Ho's" head office and demand the dome shaped lid. Winter is just around the corner.

Correctile Dysfunction

Anonymous Critic said...
"I have a general comment about your spelling/grammar, slapper58. I just want to say, obviously my son, the Grammar King, has NOT been reading your blog or he would definitely have weighed in on the various ways you use 'its' vs. 'it's'. So, it's up to me. SHAME on you! Crack open your 'Elements of Style' or read 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves'. As an author, its (or is it "it's"? YOU look it up as your first grammar test in forty years) your duty!!"

Thanks so much for pointing out my error or errors however I think the true mistake lies with those who 1st came up with the rules governing these 2 little words. I have in fact been using the Blob to try to correct this problem but in the interest of maintaining a sense of decorum around here I'll take the high road, correct all the mis-usage and move on. In future it'd be nice to have a name to attach to the correction so I can customize my gratitude more appropriately.

IT'S as in it has or it is should never have been granted the apostrophe. Sure it's a contraction but virtually every other English possesive gets an "apostrophe S" The team's bus, Jane's cowardice, Tom's pedantry etc. ...ITS should get one too! Ok Ok I'm not gonna (going to in its apostrophe-less, vernacular, contracted form) change the world here. It's time to bow to the will of the people.

Hoi SIN

Our old pal Dixxx asks:

".......What is the difference between foie gras and pate? Also, how would an Asian escort figure into this?"

An excellent question or questions. The 1st is easy.....Foie gras is made from the liver of a force fed goose. The more force is used to stuff things down the goose's throat the more stress, pain, and terror it experiences. This results in a massive release of cortisol which in turn improves the flavor. We all end up winners in the end. (except the geese). Pate on the other hand can be made from anything including rabbits,asphalt,ducks and the short-nosed bandicoot which as we all now know, has the shortest gestation period of any mammal. Now about that 2nd question.....in the interest of propriety I can't go into too much detail but you may want to follow these simple instructions: Find the Bamboo Grove restaurant and go straight to the back towards the rest rooms. Enter the passageway to your left. Go through the beaded curtains and tell Madame Woo that you need to see Lily. Ask for the "47A: Foie Gras Special" and make sure to tell them I sent you if you want the 10% discount...... don't forget to make use of the free moist towelettes.

The Critics Coroner

I'm not sure if any of you have noticed but there are very few movies playing today that would appeal to a reasonably intelligent adult. That's a good situation for reasonably stupid teenagers but what am I to do. What's worse...I have a bunch of free movie coupons carved with care from the back of cereal boxes earlier this spring and their expiration date is June 30th!! Sifting through the rubbish Phyllis and I did manage to find one worthy of the Blob guarantee: A Prairie Home Companion is Robert Altman's latest. See it and if you don't like it (even after I try to talk you out of your opinion) I'll refund your price of admission. Top that Ebert!!
This is a small film with a stellar cast and it's about the death of a time, place, and way of life that may never have existed. It's largely set in an old theater (you can almost smell the mustiness although that may have been my undershirt) on the long running radio show's last night. Altman and writer/performer/creator Garrison Keillor let the nostalgia run rampant and it plays out as an homage to the lost art of the unpolished, the impromptu, the oral tradition in song and spoken word.

The very next night Phyllis and I saw The Da Vinci Code. I hadn't read the book and knew only what little I'd gleaned from the press. Going in I had very low expectations and this film lived up to them. Tom Hanks has little acting to do and the plot is as convoluted and dense as a Byzantine labyrinth (the ultimate in convoluted dense things). I came away with a couple of overriding thoughts 1st and foremost being how clearly fictitious and preposterous the whole thing is. That this story which, I'll admit, was probably much more compelling in written form, could have generated so much controversy speaks to the flimsiness of many people's faith and to their general boredom.

Both these films are rated NEN which is part of my new rating system:

NEN- not enough nudity AEN - almost enough nudity TMN - too much nudity*

* to this point the TMN designation has only been applied to films starring Kathy Bates and the late Burgess Meredith

Ed. note: while these ratings may seem frivolous they are important to some of my readers (see Euphonium)

Clean Up on Aisle 1

I guess you've all noticed that of late the tone around here has turned gutterwards. Wrist jobs, genital hyperhydrosis, ugly whores etc. etc. I'm sure most of you have been offended and the other few are still turned on by the photo-shopped image of Michaelle Jean in a bikini (see week #1). Perhaps with all the stress of late I've strayed over to the dark side and forsaken the wholesomeness on which this Blob was founded but in my defense....what's a guy to do?? I need contributions in the form of questions or comments....only this will keep me on an even keel. The Q's and C's need not be the wittiest things ever (see embattled beaver) and who knows; I may even reply!
In keeping with the new "Keep it Clean" policy I'd like to welcome a new sponsor and I encourage all of you to spend a few bucks there.
Before I close I'd like to remind any new readers to check out the chronological archives if you haven't already and to cut/paste the links into your address box (or whatever they call that thing).
Oh yeah, one more thing.....I mentioned women's sexual empowerment the other day. Madonna pioneered it and skanks such as Brittany Spears(Not So Innocent), Christina Aguilerra(Dirty),Fergy (My Humps) have picked up the torch. I GUARANTEE you that this is an idea thought up by some horny guys in some ad agency somewhere just like the sexual revolution of the 60's. Men were the main benefactors back then and they are today. As long as men can keep bamboozling college coeds into thinking that the "Girls Gone Wild" phenomenon is empowerment lonely guys everywhere have got it made!!

BAD NEWS LITE

We're bombarded daily with news of horrifying events from near and far. Its my aim here on the Blob to make such reports easier to swallow with your morning coffee and croissant so I'll be trying out a new policy that's called "Bad News Lite". Through the clever juxtaposition of hard fact and soft image I hope to ease you into the awful reality of daily life. Let me know what you think.

Eight killed in suicide bomb attack in Iraq
Baqouba (Iraq), June 12 (AP): A suicide car bomber slammed into a security checkpoint outside Baqouba, killing at least eight people and wounding four others, police said.
The explosion occurred around 8:40 PM yesterday near a checkpoint Iraqi soldiers had put up a day earlier to provide security in the aftermath of a US-led bombing on a safe house being used by al-Qaida in Iraq leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who was killed in the blast.
Among those injured in the attack were seven Iraqi soldiers and one civilian. Three other Iraqi soldiers and a women were injured in the attack

Simplicity

Sometimes a short, simple question or comment can be just as effective as a long one. The following example from Espionnage Elle is a good case in point. Some months ago I had commented on a picture of hers and finally she has replied:

"Dear Bob, what exactly is a wrist job?"

Thanks for the question E.E. For the answer we have to look no further than the time honoured, manly tradition of copping a feel. Women for years have had to endure furtive gropings of desperate men on subway cars, elevators, and almost anywhere else you can think of. The sexual revolution of the 60's did little to change this but today at least the playing field has been evened thanks to a little lady named Madonna. Her push to empower women sexually has meant that they can now cop feels as well, hence the wrist job.

This is a simple manoeuvre which involves an unsuspecting male, his empanted wiener, and a brazen yet subtle woman. Observe the picture and you'll see a perfectly executed WJ complete with semi-arousal. I've had to obscure the faces of those not involved but trust me...they had no idea what was going on. I hope this answers your question Elle. GO OILERS!!

This ad had a direct tie-in with today's 1st post. Your donation will help insure that not one more soul has to die....of embarrassment.

This Day In History

On this day in 1845 the world lost a great statesman, philanthropist, and some would say rogue.
Robert Ross was an Irishman by birth who went on to become a high ranking member of the British army and a veteran of the Napoleonic campaigns. He was reknowned as a master swordsman and was reputed to have quite the way with many a comely lass and tankard of guinness.
You may have noticed the sash around Ross' waist. Interestingly enough this was not a typical part of the military uniform but rather a clever solution to a nagging medical problem. It seems that Ross suffered from genital hyperhydrosis (excessive ball sweat) and would actually soak right through his undergarments and pantaloons much to his great embarrasment. The only known cure at the time was evaporation so a slit was cut where today the zipper would be and his scrotum was left to air dry covered only by a carefully placed kerchief. This fact alone made his remarkable swordsmanship that much more impressive. The expression "Hanging your balls out to dry" can be traced directly back to Robert Ross and some scholars believe that "Hanky panky" can also be attributed to Ross and some of his amorous activities.

World Cup Time Again

Its been 4 years already and time has sure flown by. The World Cup is back, hours of soccer every day, and as always its one of the best things about being unemployed. It also helps my brain to form new connections, like earlier today for instance; Ecuador and Poland were in the same thought in my head for the 1st time ever. That's incredible stuff so even if you're not a fan you should try catching a few games. You'll feel smarter, more worldly, and have something to talk about to the portugese guy who's bagging your groceries.

Madison et Arielle Kobryn said...

Here's an example of one of the weird exhibits at the Sex Museum in Amsterdam- what the f*** were they getting at here anyways? I'm baffled.....


Hi girls,Apparently your not up on your Dutch history so perhaps I can explain. This exhibit is clearly the artist's interpretation of the "Gevoortshaaren" law (gevoort=ugly, haaren=whore) that was instituted in the mid-sixties. The Red Light District of Amsterdam had recently been officially sanctioned and prostitution legalized much to the delight of many local and international visitors (some of my close relatives included!). The Dutch being a foreward thinking people wanted to portray even THIS area of the city as an example of their heightened sense of democracy so spurred on by the spirit of the time and not wanting to be boxed in by the west's (i.e. USA's) traditional view of beauty, they decreed that 1 in 10 prostitutes would have to be be drop-dead ugly, or "gevoorts". In essence this was a well principled idea with its roots in a fair and just society but market forces prevailed and the law was soon phased out. Hope this answers any questions you had.

Lots of Balls

In my hour of need Dixxx has bailed me out with some fun facts once again. The party for my parents only 2 days away now, 15 adults, 20 kids, a small house and a forecast of rain may all spell disaster....HEY.....maybe Dixxx will come over and entertain with a few bass trombone sonatas. Did somebody say PARTY!!??!! Here's the fun fact:

Bowling Ball Stacking:The most bowling balls stacked vertically without the aid of adhesives is 10, by David Kremer of Waukesha, Wisconsin, on November 19, 1998. David is the executive director of a Roman Catholic order of brothers and priests.

The weird thing is that the most bowling balls ever stacked with the aid of adhesives is 7. Go figure. The largest number of Roman Catholic brothers and priests stacked without the aid of adhesives is 6. C'mon guys....forget about scandal and controversy. There's a record that's just waiting to be broken. Remember though, the use of minors is prohibited.

Confession Time

With my parent's anniversary party just around the corner and way too many things to take care of I decided to buy a ready made beveled ham from the good people at "Munson's". Well, actually they gave me one in exchange for ad space on the blob. I normally do all my own cooking so this sort of bugs me but it was the expedient thing to do and I don't feel like I've sold out. I'll try to keep the site ad-free in the future.

Helpful vs. Not helpful

Take a look at the comments made on yesterday's post and you'll see a study in contrasts. Light to the point of brilliance is Dixxx with his creative, informative, and helpful input....Dark and sombre by comparison is Stretch's lacklustre effort. Still....... I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth but Dixxx please (and this goes for everyone else too), when referring to tungsten call it by its rightful name: "WOLFRAM" Call me a square if you'd like but I prefer to think of myself as a purist. This is one household where the tungsten trend will never catch on. Gunther von Wolfram 1st isolated Wolframite in the mid 1800's and the industrialization of the West went into a new gear. Miners would sit on piles of the ore at their tea break and this would soil their pants something terrible..."dung stains" they called it and later the Dutch "tung-sten" (see Fowler's Word Origins p.887 for the full etymological history) Now we're saddled with a name that was once just a joke and frankly speaking, Gunther v. Wolfram deserves better. This really pisses me off, though in this case Dixxx, I'll accept a plea of ignorance. I know your heart was in the right place. I haven't the time to figure out the false fun-fact but I'm sure someone else will come up with the answer

traumatic post stress

I started the blob a few weeks ago and now I have a devoted following of well nigh 4 readers who depend on my daily musings. All of a sudden I'm starting to feel the pressure to produce a new post each and every day and the stress is starting to win out. The next few days will be extremely hectic with my GF Phyllis arriving from out west tomorrow. The house will have to be disinfected and the bedroom re-greased and on top of all that I'm hosting my parent's 50th anniversary party this Saturday. I'll be doing the lion's share of the cooking and as of this moment I have yet to bevel the ham or lacquer the game hens. Still the blobophiles clamour for more....I'll do my best. In the meantime check this out: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2515383969800813005&pl=true

PHEW

I'm BACK after a harrowing day of non-blobbedness. Don't ask me why I've regained access but maybe it was a warning shot fired across my bow from the powers that be. Anyways, let's get right back to it before they try to shut me down again. Here's a most welcome comment from a regular contributor:

Dixxx said...
Dear Blob,Though most of us low brass types tend to be higher minded than gratuitous images of dung, we understand that these types of images play a role in educating the less enlightened. This is, sadly, proven true by the mindless detritus spewed at us in the form of reality television. Speaking on behalf of all trombonists, tubists, euphoniumists, and baritonists, please continue to educate the unwashed masses using whatever imagery you deem appropriate. Yours in Christ,Dixxx

Thanks ever so much Dixxx. Your comment has restored my faith in humanity and, speaking of faith, the only thing I'm sure of is my own agnosticicm. The "banana" video of JUNE 1st only made me believe that the featured evangelist is a pedophile but this next clip is to me at least, a much more convincing argument for the existence of God (notice the particularly heroic trombone section). Its only 5 minutes and guaranteed euphonium free with only trace amounts of ytterbium. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38Vl6CWumR4&search=mahler

Conspiracy?

I can't access the blob and I don't know why but is it a coincidence that there's a terrorist dragnet in Toronto one day and the next day I'm off the air AND all this as I continue to let the governor general's calls go unanswered? I think not!
Terrorists nabbed: 17
My birthday: the 17th
You be the judge.
I've managed to gain access through an internet backdoor but who knows when that too will be slammed in my face. Until then I will persevere with my posts, I will not be silenced....hear that CSIS/CIA co-conspirators??. All of you should wish me good luck and God's speed........maybe that's too much to ask. OK...some of you wish me good luck and the others God's speed. Sort it out amongst yourselves.

Trouble in Paradise

It was bound to happen sooner or later; voices of dissent have been heard regarding my post of May 27th about euphoniums and it ain't what you think. Even though I did a bit of creative criticism in an effort to bring the euph down from its lofty perch among instruments the low brass players have not seen fit to fight back (surprising, given their testy and bitter nature). No, it seems the attacks on the blob come from the ranks of the squeamish who object to the pictures of dog turds that were used for the vital, educational purpose of explaining the age old euphonium/baritone dilemma. Two otherwise worldy and well-educated women ganged up on me at a party and voiced their displeasure in no uncertain terms. Lovers of free speech everywhere will be glad to know that I didn't flinch and remain undaunted in my resolve to say and show what I feel is necessary. Viva la revolucion!!

Let's be Precise People!

Here's a recent question from devoted blobophile Phyllis:

Can you (or I)(or both of us together) freeze tofu?

I have a few problems with this question but 1st the short anwer. YES, you can freeze anything for heaven's sake, even cadmium!! By not being more clear you're forcing me to make assumptions about what it really is you want to know. YES, frozen tofu can be used successfully in hand to hand combat, NO it can't be used in construction. It will change texture once thawed and therefore cooking uses are limited. Try chopping it finely and using it as a ground beef substitute in Bolognese sauce or better yet, next time don't buy so much. People who aren't vegetarians will sometimes get a healthy urge in the grocery and buy a big chunk of the stuff only to let it languish in the fridge until it turns mauve because the Haagen-Dazs and Tostitos were more appealing. Stop kidding yourselves...buy ONLY what you can eat on the way home from the store.

Veltshmertze

Vivid writes.....

What do you make of 14-yr-old Finola Hackett from Tofield, Albert, taking second place in the Scripp's national spelling bee after misspelling Weltschmerz? Had she been a regular reader of your blog, Blob, she could have taken first and made us Canadians all proud as peacocks! As it is we're yet again the underdogs.

Thanks Viv(id) I agree with you hole hartedly. Any 14 year old girl could learn a lot from reading the Blob and I encourage more to do so, especially those with older sisters. As far as giving Canada an advantage this is true only if I maintain a wholely Canadian readership (this way we keep the educational advantage to ourselves). Unfortunately word of the Blob has already trickled over the border, sort of like Mexicans or terrorists, and our potential winning edge is at risk. As a citizen of both countries I don't really care who's spelling improves as long as someone out there is benefitting from my work.

Jesus was WHAT??

I showed you a video that proved God's existence and then I got this comment (read below) from a reader who clearly want's to tax my resources. Luckily my good buddy Dan Brown's draft for his latest book is sitting on my night table waiting to be proofread. I've only skimmed through it and in a word "BOMBSHELL". This book is gonna blow the roof off of every church and synagogue with its startling revelations but 1st.....the question:

" But now, send me something that proves Jesus was the son of God and I'll be even happier. That's the one I'm still worrying about. It keeps me up nights, I tells ya! Can you help me, Blob? "

I can only tell you this much. No, Jesus was not the son of God ....he was his nephew!!

Espionage Elle said...
Dear Blob,It's been 2 days since my last bagel, however in that time I've developed a serious marshmallow and licorice addiction. Unfortunately, I'm genetically predisposed to ingrown toenails. Given that I would rather not succumb to this unsightly affliction, which dietary course of action do you suggest I take?Big FanXXXX

Wow, great question Elle. Let me apologize for being compelled to post your pic. I know that many of my readers, being of a similar mindset, would appreciate the artistry. Since I can tell who's in the photo ( I never forget a face) I figure you'll appreciate the exposure. I'll say no more on the subject cuz I may get in trouble with the boss. Now....back to your dilemma.

The obvious solution is to buy more bagels but being in Edmonton this is of course impossible.You must stop eating marshmallows immediately because their high gelatin content (see colloidal proteins) is obviously spurring uncontrolled toenail growth. The licorice is a non-issue and may actually be beneficial as an intestinal calmative and aphrodisiac. As you know the only true bagel comes from Montreal and if you can hang in there I'll be out your way for the entire month of July.....we can arrange a re-stocking of your larder. Good luck and keep those questions coming.

FINALLY...Proof of God's Existence

If you go to this newest link http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4472004596147265716&q=banana you'll see, as did I, that finally we have irrefutable proof of God's existence. This video is for real and part of a much longer series (I spared you the window dressing) of evangelical and persuasive arguments. The young man to the right is former child start Kirk Cameron. This is some incredible footage and don't let the inadvertant homo-erotic content diminish the impact of the truth.