Ask Uncle Blob

Maria Callous asks:

A good friend of mine told me that since he's sworn off dating, the dates have been flocking to him. Now, do you think that this is a natural law of the universe or is it simply that when we give up on dating that we emit some kind of weird vibes or odours (like pheremones, you know???) that make us more enticing?
Dear Maria,

Excellent question and the topic is right in my wheelhouse, to use an old baseball phrase. Wheelhouse means the place a ball is thrown where the batter is most likely to be able to hit it with power and its origins are postulated thusly courtesy of word-detective.com:

(On the other hand, it does seem more likely that the locomotive turntable "wheelhouse" (often called a "roundhouse") is the source, likening the awesome swing of the rail yard turntable to the batter's powerful swing. An additional argument for this theory is that sweeping side-arm pitches have been known as "roundhouse" pitches since about 1910, and, of course, the "roundhouse punch" is delivered with the same sort of motion. Thus, by 1959, this sort of "wheelhouse" had already been used as a metaphor for powerful motion for more than fifty years.)

Now, back to your question. I don't know who your friend is but I know a thing or two about trying too hard. Think about overswinging at a baseball for instance....you may knock one out of the park if you connect but more often than not you'll strike out and probably corkscrew yourself into the ground trying. Once the word spreads around that you'll swing at anything you'll not be likely to see anything in your wheelhouse for quite some time.

Your friend's new laid back approach is working not because of some new odour that is suddenly emanating from his body but precisely because he no longer seems like such a needy loser. Smell has nothing to do with it....a pitcher who is stinking up the joint will be quickly yanked by his manager.

We need look no further than the famous musical West Side Story for an apt summation:

"go man go but not like some yo-yo fool boy. Just keep it cool boy....real cool."

Once your friend does score a date this philosophy will stand him in good stead. The video clip I've included in this post demonstrates in classic fashion the pitfalls of trying too hard to impress your date. Watch and learn.

Blob Exclusive: We're Winning the War on Terror!!

As another 9-11 anniversary approaches people all over the world are taking stock. Where are we today almost 6 years after that fateful day? One of those people is Osama Bin Laden who got the ball rolling and now keeps up the rhetoric with carefully crafted videos. His latest release (#5 with a bullet on Billboard's "Terror Trackz" top 40) indicates that he is either wearing a fake black beard or has operatives with ties to the underground Grecian Formula smuggling market. I think he is presently clean shaven to better blend in with the sorrounding populace and wore the beard just for the video. Still.....hasn't he heard of production values, continuity, etc? How hard is it to get those trademark grey streaks even without going to the hairdresser (Clairol "Just for Beards" is a blatant symbol of American capitalist imperialism and was out of the question). Next time you put your face to film Osama, you'd best heed the words of humorist Ogden Nash (and I paraphrase): "A little talcum would be walcum". Even the most seasoned CIA analyst wouldn't know for sure!

So...where do we stand. Critics of President Bush aren't as smug as they were only a few months ago. The war is a success!! No terrorist attacks on N. American soil since 9-11 and thousands of Arabs killed (and more Americans than were actually murdered at the World Trade Center...but who's counting). There's a reason Bin Laden's latest video didn't warn of future attacks, he's running out of skilled fighters. I searched through many Jihadist websites looking for the trademark training camp video clips and could find only this http://www.break.com/index/arab_treadmill_prank.html which leads me to believe that the insurgency is indeed in it's death throes as famously noted in May 2005 by V.P. Dick Cheney.
The Republican regime appears to have won its bet with destiny and could use a good rest. Let's hope that next November fair minded Americans see fit to let them get the time off they deserve.

Otherworldly Voices

The great tenor's passing got me thinking about the human voice in all its manifestations. A few years back I was introduced (by regular contributor Dixxx) to the amazing scat stylings of William "Shooby" Taylor. By our usual standards it's terrible singing and equally bad improvisation yet his uninhibitedly joyous performance makes for compelling listening (albeit in small doses). I believe Blobophiles will enjoy the clip but as the following link shows, not everyone appreciated Shooby back when he was alive. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MutYIgL4Gbk&mode=related&search= Being booed off the stage in what should have been a friendly venue would have deterred most people but Shooby kept right on singing until a stroke ended his career in 1994.
The human voice connects to us emotionally the way no other instrument can (save the euphonium which many believe is the closest we've come to imitating the voice of God). While it can be argued that Pavarotti was the greatest voice of our generation there are still many who'd prefer the gutteral howl of a Tom Waits or the whiny innocence of a Neil Young. It often comes down to context....the voice must suit the material and then everything falls into place. Crossing over into other genres is a common practice for many vocalists and while it may be a good way of making more money it's often an artistic disaster. Pavarotti singing Schubert's Ave Maria works, Michael Bolton singing the same song....in the words of Jon Stewart; "not so much".
There's still no accounting for taste. Listen to this rarity, the great Shirley Bassey (of all people) singing Gounod's beautiful Ave Maria (of all song choices) in fabulous Jamaica (of all places). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5jXLtQbgog
I'll bet some of you like it and some don't while others will abhor it and even hate me for posting it. I'll await your judgement.

Pavarotti: He Brought Opera to the Masses and Mass to the Opera

Luciano Pavarotti is no more. Arguably one of the greatest tenors of all time the hefty superstar lost his battle with pancreatic cancer late yesterday.
Heralded as The King of the High C's his legendary excesses led some to speculate that C came to stand for cholesterol level and caloric intake.
As he gained more and more weight in his later years health became a primary concern. As recently as last spring a bad back forced him to cancel a world tour that would have brought him to Montreal where I was engaged to be part of the orchestra and would have made at least a thousand bucks. If only he'd gone a little easier on the prosciutto.

By the end doctors report that Pavarotti had gotten so huge as to exert a noticeable gravitational effect on miniscule dust particles that would actually fall into orbit around his body if he were to stay in one place for any length of time.

All fat jokes aside, in his prime he could blow an audience away or move them to tears and he will continue doing just that....take a look at the video clip.

Hormones: God DOES Have a Sense of Irony!!

Men and women have a lot in common but when it comes to hormonally affected behavioural patterns there's a world of difference. When men are feeling down they tend to isolate themselves thereby shutting out the world until they either feel better or murder their entire family before commiting suicide. Outside stressors by and large call the shots for men whereas women cope far better with external stimuli but are defenseless when it comes to their own hormonal surges. The irritability, bloating, and despondency are a heavy burden to bear but women have learnt to share the pain with their loved ones.

For eons well meaning men have been baffled by the irrational moodiness and have come up with all sorts of ineffective coping strategies: Disengagement, appeasment (or the "Yes dear" approach), futile aggression, pre-emptive ice cream etc. but nothing seems to work.

In rare and fortunate circumstances different types of therapy may help. Take the case of the recently departed "Bitch of Broadway" Leona Helmsley, who left 12 million to her dog while cutting her grandchildren out of the will. Very late in life she was diagnosed with a severe case of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder). While this is sometimes referred to as the winter blues, Leona's case was so severe that no amount of summer sunshine seemed to make a difference. It was only when she began intensive light therapy treatments that people could stand to be around her and she stopped beating her servants.



Again, a case like this is the exception rather than the rule so where does that leave the rest of us? Life is hard enough so here at The Blob I'm always on the lookout for products or services that will make things just that much easier. Wouldn't you know it...scientists at Caprice Industries Ltd. may be on to something. They've provided some literature:

Remember the 70's and the mood ring fad? Small plastic rings with an embedded liquid that would change color based on how you were feeling. They soon went out of style when the liquid was found to be a lead based, radioctive, carcinogen, a detail that had been overlooked by the Chinese sub-contractors.

Here at Caprice Industries Ltd. we've taken that basic technology, removed the toxins, and infused these heat sensitive chemicals into a thermo-plastic resin. While still molten this resin is then molded into a suspendable seat (suspension allows a free flow of air) which is sensitive to even the smallest temperature fluctuations of a woman's pelvi-genito complex before the actual hormonally induced effects have a chance to take hold. For the man of the house this allows for an extra few minutes while evasive action is still possible, the woman can simply lock herself in the bedroom with a good book and a dish of ibuprofen! This color coded warning system is similar to the Terrorist Threat Key used by the U.S. government. The color coding is illustrated in the picture: Red means all clear and after that you decide what course of action is best!!! For more information please contact us at capriceindustriesltd.com

A Friend In Need

Larry Craig, the ill-fated US senator from Idaho has his own Facebook page. My research team actually came up with that tidbit and I reached out and befriended him in his hour of need. (It was the Jewish thing to do) He's gone into seclusion and during this period of reflection perhaps it would be nice if Blob contributors could follow my lead and contact him through Facebook as well. I let him know that I'd act as a sort of clearing house so he wouldn't be deluged with all sorts of miscreants and bumpkins therefore if you're at all interested in hooking up and helping out with Sen. Craig please contact me first.

I'm probably the 1st kind and understanding voice that he's heard in days and he was more than glad to talk candidly. As far as I can tell the whole ordeal seems like some kind of wacky misunderstanding. The senator insists that he's not gay (would you call a guy who has one or two drinks a week an alcoholic???) and stands by his "pro-family" voting record. When I asked him about plans for the future he told me that he'll be appearing in a movie already in the works that's a remake of an old Gus Van Sant classic with an added bio-pic angle. "I experimented with musical theater during my college days" chuckled the chastened conservative "so this is right up my alley!"

Here's a sneak peek:

Western Ways

Don't get me wrong...I love Quebec but my recent trip to Alberta taught me that we may have a thing or two to learn from our cousins to the West. Sure they have the spectacular scenery, the crisp mountain air, the Saskatoon berry, and a minimum wage that's up around 15 dollars an hour but what really impressed me was their corn and in particular the corn from Taber. This unassuming community is the corn capital of Canada. Growing conditions are excellent: hot days, cool nights, loamy soil and the highest amount of yearly sunlight in the nation.

Of course it's harvest time and all over Quebec the markets abound with our own corn. I've been enjoying the local variety but until you've tasted the Taber version you haven't really tasted corn (or lived for that matter). The latest generation is fuller and more succulent but remains firm and toothsome when properly cooked. The richly hued niblets are uniform and the size of pencil erasers.

As someone who grew up with boiled corn the Western cooking method was also a revelation. Silk removed, husks left on and then grilled or microwaved the end product was nothing short of astonishing. I googled taber corn and sure enough, at the top of the list was this link; http://www.jensenstabercorn.com/ . I emailed them and they sent back their latest ad which is a throwback to the old "Doublemint" ads and features the so-called Jensen Twins as spokesmodels. The next time you're out West make sure to enjoy some delicious, nutritious, Taber brand corn!!

The Sunken Cathedral

Crumbling municipal infrastructure has long been a concern but a recent bridge collapse in Minnesota has brought the issue to the front pages. While several people perished south of the border the true capital of civic decay is Montreal.

Chunks of overpass kill unwary motorists, 9 bridges are closed to truck traffic, tens of thousands of crater-like potholes make our roadways resemble those of Kabul and an impending massive, downtown sinkhole recently shut down the subway and many businesses. Oh yeah....there's also the Olympic Stadium, a cavernous, cretinous, mausoleum that, while not part of our infrastructure, does shed chunks of concrete and stands as a monument to all that is wrong with the standards and practices of our construction industry.

At the epicentre of the mid-city trouble is Christ Church Cathedral, a marvelous edifice (Sometimes home to the soon-to-be-world-famous Griffon Brass Band) and oasis amidst the hustle and bustle. Some years ago it was propped up on stilts while land was excavated from beneath it to make way for a huge mall, part of Montreal's Underground city. Today it perches perilously as we wait to see if engineers can prevent it from actually becoming part of the subterranean scenery. While I firmly believe that the underworld could use a little more old time religion and a lot more brass band music this may not be the best way of going about it.

Speaking of underworld, Montreal has an illustrious history of handing out building contracts to the lowest bidder who usually happens to be a city councillor's cousin who has affiliations with guys named Cotroni or Rizzuto.(google them) Is the fondness for structures using massive amounts of cement just a coincidence?? (and might I add at this juncture that I in no way wish to cast aspersions upon the Italians who are a beautiful and vibrant people)

What we end up with are shoddily built roadways made of materials of questionable quality by guys who by and large don't know their butt crack from a bucket of tar. (see photo)

We are one of the highest taxed groups of people in North America but what really makes us distinct is our veal-like passivity in the face of corrupt and inept authority. Vive la difference!!

Maybe Barry Bonds isn't so Bad After All

"We all make mistakes," said Michael Vick "Dogfighting is a terrible thing and I reject it ... I found Jesus and turned my life over to God. I think that's the right thing to do as of right now."

I only hope for his sake that God is there when some dog loving prisoners come up with the appropriate ironic punishment for the star QB.

And so, another role model bites the dust. Gone are the days when athletes, actors, pageant winners and other fixtures of pop culture could actually serve as positive role models for our children. Even our lawmakers seem to be getting more loathsomely pathetic every day. Take the latest American hypocrite, Idaho repulican senator Larry Craig. He plead guilty to lewd conduct charges resulting from a sting operation in the Minneapolis airport after he propositioned an undercover cop in an adjoining stall by repeatedly tapping his foot and rubbing his hand along the bottom of the stall divider, apparently common sign language among the anonymous gay bathroom sex crowd. Of course sen. Craig has voted against pro-gay bills and is a staunch conservative. He is now backtracking and should be finding Jesus any minute now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhiP1h8pMZc&NR=1

If you haven't seen the Miss Carolina video yet take a look at this. (warning: this is a bit painful) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiJBKmOWphs They should stop pretending that pageants care about the intelligence of the contestants: nice face, nice tits, nice ass you win!!! period. Let others concern themselves with the state of education, our beauty pageant contestants are way too busy building their hair, vaselining their teeth and taping their bathing suits.

Where will the next role models come from? Who can meet the demanding job requirements? A musician, devoted family man, baker, or an avid blogger?...maybe all of the above. I'm going to watch the Daily Show now. I think I just beat them to the Larry Craig story by 5 minutes.... phew!!!

Photoshop Phun #17

Formal or casual? This young lady is ready for anything thanks to a simple photoshop juxtaposition. Who'd have thought back in highschool that one day I'd be the one "turning heads"!

New Directions...The Birth Pangs of a Cult

Party Bear said...
"You're a prophet, Blob! I worship thee!"

Mama Callous said...

"We need more inspiration. We're drying up here"

I hear you all loud and clear, believe me. If it seems as though I've been ignoring all the boisterous commentary then forgive me but after my voyage to the Rockies, the past few days have been spent in quiet reflection along with a bit of light housekeeping.

Why was I led to pick up a copy of The Book of Mormon, long tucked away on a small book shelf at Phyllis' house? What was revealed to me atop Mt. Edith Cavell etched into Angel Glacier? How was it that I came to bake exactly 5 pies, no more no less? Am I deserving of the praise and adulation that has been heaped upon me like so much sheep manure on a barren suburban lawn in the early days of spring? Where is this all leading me?

It's no wonder I've been absent with all these questions plaguing me. The answers are hard to come by but let me at least make an attempt.

Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism was a brilliant hoaxster but he can't fool me. It's just the Bible with a wacky, dumbed down American spin. Sort of like what the Yanks do with British sitcoms. It sort of got me thinking about what it would take to start my own religion and only days later I received a sign that shook me to the core...there, etched in the massive ice sheet the words "read the Blob" gradually appeared to me and sometime later to my equally stunned partner Phyllis:

After my ascension to the summit I was greeted with another stunning vision; The sun looked for all the world like the top of a pie complete with vent hole. By the time Phyllis reached my vantage point the image was gone!! "Pie in the sky!" I thought....."now there's a solid foundation for a new religion!!" I quickly realized that my earlier decision to enter a pie at the Millarville Fair was not mine alone. Had there been some othwerworldy guidance?? I re-attacked my 5th pie with new found ardour and lo, it was perfect yet the judges were blind to it's excellence. Why 5 pies (no more, no less). 5 perfect circles (Pi!!) each 360 degress for a total of 1800. 1800 was the birth year of John Nelson Darby, father of Dispensationalism, a fundamentalist, largely American brand of Protestantism which would later be espoused by Jerry Falwell and others of his ilk. They believe the Bible is divided into 7 distinct periods (or dispensations) based on Gods dealings with his flock.

Were these revelations telling me to start an 8th? After all isn't it easier to cut a pie into 8ths than 7ths and an 8th of a pie is 45 degrees which is my age plus 3...the exact number of children that I've fathered !!!! Surely this can't be a mere coincidence.

Even with this powerful evidence and with all the revelations I still don't know if leadership is my bag. What could I tell people, why should they listen to me?? I suppose all of the major religions started out as fringe, nutcase, beautifully marketed cults and they just happened to catch on. I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.....

More Advice

Dear Blob,

A while back you mentioned Weird Al Yankovic and Alan Sherman in a post. Both were great parodists but they dealt mostly with pop music. Any ideas for a guy who'd like to break into the business but prefers classical music?

yours truly,

Crazy Alan Sleemowitz*



Excellent question Crazy Alan and I can see by your name that we're going to have a lot of work to do. Just like anything else being a good song parodist requires hard work and a significant investment of time. Sure you could go the "MAD Magazine" route and take the cheap laugh where a Star Trek spoof becomes Star Blech. They just phone that stuff in whereas a more serious jokester would go with Star Dreck thereby adding the treasured NYC, Yiddish edge. (Dreck means shit BTW, for those of you who still buy your so called bagels at the supermarket)
I love classical music as much as the next person but it has an inherent disadvantage in that it is much more esoteric than pop or folk and many of the songs are in a foreign language. The obvious answer is to start with English language favorites: A selection from Handel's Messiah,
"O Death, Where is thy Sting" becomes "O Death, Where are my Keys". Bernstein's semi-classical "Glitter and Be Gay" from the musical Candide becomes "Glitter and be a Fag"....you get the idea. Start doing your homework and get back to me with the results.

*Ed. Note: After receiving a scathing rebuke for his previous post The Blob will temporarily be instituting a new "Playin' it Safe" policy whereby all questions directed towards the site will be composed in house. Rumor has it that several law suits are in the works so the wagons must be circled, the hatches battened down, and loins girded in an attempt to fend off the foe, ride out the storm, and protect loins. The most recent attack came from a usually placid and unlikely source...please bear with us.

Maria, I Just Mentored a Girl Named Maria

Dear Blob,

I am a hot young Brazilian woman in Rio de Janeiro. I spend most of my days on Ipanema beach and partying at night. I have started to find my existence somewhat meaningless of late and am looking for a mature mentor, or failing that just some good advice. What I want to know is; am I contributing anything to society?

Maria del Clevagio

Before I get to the answer I'd just like to say how pleased I am to have a Brazilian contributor. As any blogger would tell you, It's a great day when you finally get to penetrate the South American market. Your name which in English means "sea of cleavage" (where I enjoy the occasional dip) is beautiful and evocative, your question; concise and provocative and wouldn't you know it...you've come to the right place. Either it's serendipity or you already know that I've recently established an outreach program for hot, young Brazilian women (the neediest of hot , young women!) It's a kind of on line drop-in center where my mentoring skills are available free of charge to all qualified applicants.

Now then...my answer, but as a word of warning I should first say that the comment section of The Blob is teeming with all sorts of Lotharios ready to steer a young girl in the wrong direction for their own unhealthy gain. The last thing you need during an existential crisis is some country bumpkin, pompous Anglophile or tangential maniac leading you astray.

I'm far from being any of those types and if anything one could say I was a caring Braziliophile. I delight in all things Brazilian: the coffee, the music, the wax jobs, you name it!!

So....are you contributing to society? There are so many flip and ready answers full of leering double entendres and inappropriately suggestive asides. While others would eagerly wade, hip deep, in that immoral sludge I'll take the high road and answer thusly not simply as a mentor but as the mature mentor that you require. After all wasn't it Rabelais who once famously noted "Heeding the advice of an immature mentor is not unlike buying ones candle wax from the porkman". Need I say more?

I can only hope that I've been of some help and that you will continue to seek out my advice. Now go forth, hone your craft (whatever that might be), approach vice with an eye towards moderation, never, ever, be caught without the proper foundation garment and remember this chiasmus: Ask not what you can contribute to society but what society can contribute to you!

Negroes Explained (but what of the Mexicans)

Color me astonished! Years of schooling and TV viewing had led me to believe that our species emerged, (somewhat darker skinned) in Africa and that whiteness was an evolutionary adaptation as some among us meandered north over the millenia.
Leafing through the Book of Mormon (don't ask) the other day I came upon a passage so succinct and thorough as to leave me dumbfounded and questioning all my previously held beliefs on the subject. Please read the passage in question which concerns itself with the Laminites and their failure to heed a directive from God:

NEPHI 5:15-24
Wherefore, the word of the Lord was fulfilled which he spake unto me, saying that: Inasmuch as they will not hearken unto thy words they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord. And behold, they were cut off from his presence.

21 And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.

22 And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people, save they shall repent of their iniquities.

23 And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done.

24 And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become an idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey.

25 And the Lord God said unto me: They shall be a scourge unto thy seed, to stir them up in remembrance of me; and inasmuch as they will not remember me, and hearken unto my words, they shall scourge them even unto destruction.

So there you have it. Millions of righteous Mormons can't be wrong!
Reading along in the Book I happened upon another passage that rationally makes a strong case for polygamy. I have half a mind to convert and procure for myself at least 4 wives and what man wouldn't do the same? Imagine the good-natured give and take, the unexpected (and delightful) hormonally induced mood swings, the kindhearted suggestions for better ways to do everything, the refreshing use of intuition and emotion instead of tired, old logic. Imagine all this and then multiply by 4.....Where do I sign up??!!

The Death of Pie

I wish I could say that I was sitting here staring at my first prize check of 1000 dollars but today just wasn't my day. Am I feeling humiliated? No. Vindictive? A little. Sick of saskatoon berries? Yes!!
As we walked into the food display area of the arena I had this sinking feeling for there overhead, graciously donated by the local Mennonite community, was a large banner that read "Kochen Macht Frei". I knew then and there that I didn't have a chance.
Sure enough my beautiful pie didn't even merit an honorable mention. The winner, 13 yr. old Teagan Keegstra, (that's right...Keegstra!) deserved 3rd place at best but I'm an outsider (auslander) and had no recourse after the fact.
Small consolation...I did get the Tenderflake Bursary ($50.00) for "Best Use of Lard by a Jew" but as the only Jew I was the odds on favorite. Unfortunately I can't download pictures from Phyllis' comp but in a few days I'll be home. You can be the judge....I was robbed!!!
My filling had the perfect ooze quotient (finally) with a strong Saskatoon flavor bolstered by hints of ginger, lemon, and almond extract. The pastry crust positively shattered under slight pressure from a fork only to reveal it's more tender underside. The delicate braid along the circumference and small leaf shaped pastry ornaments only hinted at the splendor within.
I come away from the Millarville Fair having seen anti-Semitism at its hateful worse. This is a card that I never play (exceptions: orchestral auditions, failed relationships, Jeopardy tryouts, all Quebec-based lotteries, and now this!).
I'll recover in time but for now I feel like an utter fool. Only hours ago my right hand was coated in lard...LARD...in all its porcine unctuousness. I tried and tried but couldn't wash it off....I feel it even now between my fingers and beneath my nails....its essence clings to my eyes!! It might as well have been the very blood of my ancestors after I'd stabbed them in the back!!!
Back in Montreal the support of friends will help speed the healing as will a complimentary meal at Schwartz's and a dozen St. Viateur bagels.
Next year, undaunted, I will enter once again with an identical pie save one new ingredient; a goyish family name.

All Over but the Waiting

We navigated the final dirt road that brought us into the Millarville fairgrounds at a cautious pace so as not to disturb our precious cargo. The final triumphant chorale of Mahler's 5th symphony blared from the car's speakers as I held the pie aloft as a symbolic offering to the gods. The majesty of the moment didn't escape the many exhibitors who were there, as were we, to register their wares.
Once signed in we headed to the viewing arena and straight for the baked and cooked goods display, past the patronizing For Men Only area to the multi-tiered Saskatoon Pie table that would soon hold some 89 crusty delicacies. Competition for prime tier position was polite yet I must admit that my hockey playing experience came in handy. These farm women are fiercely proud and will become violent if provoked!
And so, Phyllis and I placed our entries with care and an eye for aesthetics all the while scouting out the other pies and oh what pies there were!! I'm not saying we're overmatched but we're talking 80 dollar ceramic plates and pies with ornate pastry appliques and cutouts. I stand by my creation but the jury, as they say, is still out. Tomorrow will surely come and with it results of the big contest. There is one bursary that I'm sure to win (more later) but as for the grand prize.....it's anybody's guess.
Rumor has it that Marnie Bigelow, the slut of Priddis, spent 10 minutes "looking for her contact lens" under the judges table and that old Reilly Mullins is offering up his prize sow for a weekend getaway. Country life isn't so different from city life after all.

Pie are Round

It's good to see that even in my absence the excitement continues to build as the Saskatoonberry Pie baking contest approaches. The 100th edition of the Priddis-Millarville Country Fair is set to begin and all entries must be in no later than friday at midnight. As such tonight I will make my 5th and final test pie before the main event. In a subtle psychological jibe at the competition I leaked the fact that I'll be going with only 1-2 tbsps of tapioca...a bold move that one local critic called "foolhardy at best". Whether or not I actually go that low is my little secret.
I had planned to attempt a pork crust but upon a carelful re-reading of the contest rules I came upon this little used clause:
5055A: Pies may be one or two crusted with the optional top crust being either pastry(lattice or full), or crumb. No meats, meat pastes or meat substitutes may be used .
What a bunch of countrified bastards!! If it's any consolation I'll be using lard in the crust (kosher laws be damned..there's $1,000 bucks at stake here!!)
And so as we speak the Twin Counties are abuzz with pre-fair activity as preparations enter their final stages. Farmers groom their livestock for showing, craftspeople ready there goods, and housewives and predominantly gay men put the finishing touches on their kitchen delicacies.
The Saskatoon is an unwieldy beast of a berry. I climbed the mountains of Jasper looking for guidance and enlightenment and came down knowing that I'll need skill, cunning, and no small quantity of good fortune (and much less tapioca) to succeed. I promise you this: I will do my very best and return to Montreal with my head held high.

News of The Blob

A Dream Deferred
reuters Aug. 15

Any hopes of a pan-global Blob community based on the little known blog of the same name have been put on hold indefinitely. Bob S. , the reclusive and charismatic founder took leave of his duties recently as he undertook a much publicized trip to the Rockies in search of enlightenment. In his absence Blob contributors were left on their own and activity in the all important comment section fizzled to an almost total standstill.
On his return to civilization Bob S. , never one to mince words, couldn't help but voice his disappointment: "To be honest I was afraid this would happen. My contributors are largely alcohol fueled and protein deprived and without guidance have a tendency to lose focus. I had hopes of The Blob becoming a unifying force for all races and creeds (except of course the Libyans) based on juvenile humor and funny pictures....everything seemed to be in place too; the obsequious,lonely devotees, the easy international access, I was optimistic to say the least."
So where did The Blob go wrong? Analysts point to the western Canada trip as a major factor. Sporadic posting became the norm and a crude dial-up connection made presenting even the simplest photoshopped image an impossibility.
Can the project be salvaged and a once unpopular blog return to its former glory? Only time will tell.

The Life of Pie

The idyllic country life is doing me a world of good. My emphyzema has cleared up, the gout is but a thing of the past, and the mysterious rash, while still spreading, has taken on a marvelous, rosy hue.

Today Phyllis and I replanted a mugho pine and harvested a trunkload of woodchip mulch from a roadside pile. I took some time of from pie baking to go catch a couple of frogs down by the creek for a young, tow headed boy name of Henry.

About those pies...I just happen to be here for the 100th anniversary of the Priddis & Millarville County fair. http://www.millarville-ab.com/Fair.html This year only there's a special $1000 prize for the best Saskatoon berry pie so spurred on by Phyllis we ponied up the 5 dollar entry fee and I've been perfecting my technique for the past few days using friends and relatives as pie tasting guinea pigs.

The saskatoon is a Western delicacy and is drier with a more pronounced almond note than the blueberry. Getting a filling with the proper "ooze quotient" has proven a challenge but I'm not about to give up. Last year's winner Louisa Webb (that smug, gingham clad bitch) better not be resting on her laurels cause I'm coming after her with all the resolve and Eastern know how that this city boy can muster!!

In a day or so I'll be heading even further afield with a 3-4 day excursion that will take us through Banff, Jasper and the West Edmonton Mall. As such I'll not be able to do any posting. I leave feeling more hopeful than I have in days as the name calling, taunting, and chastizing that has gone on between my contributors, their alter egos, and myself is all but a thing of the past. May The Blob continue to be the oasis of love (and pie)that it was meant to be...... Piece be with you.

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