The Blob's Garden of Death

Mama Callous said...
I'm getting sick of opening up the Blob and seeing the nudie photos. Time for new subject matter, Blobby!

I have to agree with you Mom Callous and with that in mind I'd like to try my hand at a different type of subject matter while at the same time alerting my readers to a wonderful new blog; Vivian's Tranquil Garden http://viv-thetranquilgarden.blogspot.com/ If you like tranquility and gardens then this site is tailor made for you!

If on the other hand you are more like me, (I enjoy avoiding gardening year round!) then read on:

The Blob's Garden of Death

Well, another September is upon us and what a lovely time of year it is to sit out in my garden with a cup of warm herbal tea (for those cool mornings) or a glass of Bordeaux. It's a time to mull and reflect upon the season past. As Autumn looms I like to look around me, notice the signs of encroaching death that nature is providing and all the while scan the yard for the many signs of benign neglect and chores as yet undone.

Here is a photograph of my basil failures. This years planting has been co-opted by several spiders who keep the flies (most of them anyways) from birthing their young on the tender leaves. This also make for a very "webby" pesto...not for the faint of heart!

Here's a time saving tip I learnt this past summer. Basil comes in those little plastic things with dirt already in them...they are already planted so why bother re-planting them? (helllloooo) Simply plop them in last year's dead plant and then remove it upon it's own inevitable death to be replaced by next year's version. So simple, so elegant! (Time for a little more Bordeaux.)

Here is my decimated patch of rhubarb. I had to stand helplessly by and watch as hordes of Alsatian stink beetles laid waste to a once healthy crop. Nevertheless there is still the macabre beauty of the leaf hole patterns that are slowly killing the plants.

Still in the realm of the potentially edible are this summers big project; a new planting of raspberry bushes graciously donated by Nora, sister of Vivian, the very same Vivian of Tranquil garden fame!!

I followed all of her replanting instructions to the letter; not burying the "rootball" too deep, scattering compost (comprised mostly of Quebec Classique cigarette butts and other deader plants) in with the newly turned soil and still the plants seem to be withering and dying. I was so looking forward to full bushes heavy with fruit but how was I to know that watering every day actually meant every day!! I just figured it was like the dentist telling you to brush every day...who does that??? ??

Wow, how could that Bordeaux be finished alraedy!! (at least there's still a couple of Heinekens left in the fridge)

Here's another time and energy saver:

Do like I do and let your grass go to seed. I haven't mowed my lawn in a month and the way i look at it, it'll only come back stroinger next year once it self-plants itself or whatever the hel that word is. Amd so what if your loser neighbour has a poerfect lawn and a hot wife. there,s m ore to life than that and I bet the guy,s never finished a sunday times corssword puzzle in his life!! I can't even hear nyself think now with his damn lawn tractor amking all that noise..."Hey buddy!! wanna help with with my crossword puzzle?? 65 down, a four letter word for your wife...starts with C...hahahahah"

geez that was good one. But sertiously , he,sd a great guy!! OK later...time for a nap...

Mainstreaming

On July 24th I posted a little exposé about the American Apparel company and their use of salacious imagery to sell clothing. This is nothing new and whether overt or subliminal, "sex sells" has long been the mantra of Madison Avenue.

In this, the internet age, the envelope keeps getting pushed and we become a little bit more enured each day. Witness this men's perfume ad by Tom Ford from 2007.

Provocative and titillating, this ad helped successfully launch the product and the actual bottle used for the shoot sold for 7,000 dollars on EBay to some guy in Japan.

Like many companies, the Tom Ford website has cached within even raunchier photographs as was the case with the American Apparel site. By hiding what are to many, pornographic images, within their webpages we are being encouraged to troll around and wallow in their brand's on line environment.

Of course I've dug a little deeper once again. Admen love trends and admen love sex as a marketing tool. They've been focus grouping the following idea to death and now seem poised to unleash a flood of very sexual images on an unsuspecting but primed public. Porn is readily available and ubiquitous so why not use it to sell everything! Not just fashion and condoms but food, medicine, cars...everything and anything.

This overt use of sex and erotica is the holy grail of advertising and by digging around in the back pages of some very reputable websites I've unearthed a treasure trove (or dung pile depending on your point of view) of new and very explicit ads.

THE FOLLOWING PICTURES ARE ACTUAL ADS AND CONTAIN CONTENT THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED OFFENSIVE...ENJOY!

Not sure if that's actually an x-ray of Boniva spokeswoman Sally Field. Let's just say it is and move on.









A bit esoteric for my taste...I think they are touting the Sienna minvan's spacious interior.
The next 2 are more or less self explanatory. This one borrows directly from the earlier tried and true Ford campaign.





























As disturbing as these ads are they pale in comparison to the following ones for Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup and Milk (a variant on their "Got Milk?" campaign)...oh no...not her again!!




My Goodness!!! I thought my decor change would help with the tone around here but honestly... I never knew such filth even existed!! And to think that I just had an ice cold Coca Cola earlier today. Horrors!!

I guess The Blob is just catering to his regular readers, the pathetic Bonemikexxster, the even more horrid Maria Callous and their kind.

Speaking of Maria I happened across a picture of her on FaceBook. Lo and behold she's sporting a lovely new hairdo and she's emulating little old me!! While I don't agree with any of her lifestyle choices I must say that imitation still is the sincerest form of flattery. She's got the hair
(a good brush would help too)...now let's see if she can get the perfectly narrow waste and winning smile!! Good luck dear :o)

A Woman's Touch

For those of you who aren't too fond of Nan Wilkinson what can I say. She's been hanging around here, tidying up, plying me with meat loaf and only asking for a chance to have her say on The Blob once again. What the hell... I'm going for breakfast, take it away Nan!!



GREETINGS fellow Blob lovers. It's a pleasure to be back at my home away from home. Ever since Jim left me ( I told him it was either the beer and scotch or me) I've been trying to find ways of occupying my free time and you can only give your own house the once over so many times LOL :o)
I FIGURED The Blob could use a little spruce up of it's own...a woman's touch if you will because between you, me, and the doorpost every time I logged on (as the kids say) I was appalled by the dreary colors.
MY GOOD friends Barb and Delores always said I should've been an interior decorator but that would've made it hard to be home for my family. Now that Jim is gone and the kids are in school or the rehabilitation center I decided it was time for me to spread my wings!
ANYWAYS, this will be a surprise for Bob when he gets back to the office. I hope all of you out there in cyber land like it too. I can't wait to see how his next post looks in these new sorroundings!!

The Hills Are Alive (with the sound of Alphorn)

INTRODUCTION:

"The Alphorn, hewn from a single carefully hollowed and bent tree, is considered the most majestic of wind instruments both visually and for its elemental sound. Indeed, it was this very sound that was imitated by the great Richard Wagner in his prelude to Das Rheingold, the 1st opera in his Ring Cycle."


MY STUFF:

Hey annoying sports fans and pathetic trend followers, put away those vuvuzelas. Aging hippies and New Age world music wannabes, pack up your digeridoos. The Alphorn is making a comeback and hipsters all over Europe are riding the wave. It's only a matter of time before North Americans are lugging these sexy behemoths to raves, concerts, and the hottest parties and after parties. Check out this action from Vaterlandpalooza with the babelicious Hofmann sisters :







And let's not forget the even hotter Eliana Burki and her rock/funk approach to the shepherd's horn (you will fall prey to the siren song as have I!!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsRE_wp-n-E&feature=related


For those with a more traditional bent there are still Alphorns aplenty to be heard the way they were meant to be and where the only bare legs belong to bearded men wearing lederhosen.




I couldn't help but notice that "Alphorn" sounds a lot like "all porn" so next post will be more related to the latter than the former. This will no doubt rile Mrs. Nan Wilkinson who still seems to be on her crusade to steer me clear of anything remotely sexual (I think it was she using an alias, who asked about the alphorn in my comment section). I contend that I know my audience way better than she does (75 repressed men in Saudi Arabia can't be wrong!!) so stay tuned.

Does Today's Pop Music Really Suck? (a lot)

As a "tail ender" of the baby boom generation I'm well aware that many of my chronological confreres have certain conceits about the quality of the pop music they grew up with versus the overmarketed tripe that is available today.

Are we merely looking back through a gauzy lens of nostalgia that shades everything with a glow of quality and meaning? Is there even a way to make a comparison that has any validity?

Will Lady Gaga, Green Day, Jay-Z, Fergie and the like, stand the test of time the way Herman's Hermits or Tommy James and the Chandelles did?

Frankly, I'm way too tired to bother even thinking about writing about this. You, my faithful readers, may however want to think or pray on this and get back to me, a discussion will ensue and we'll settle this once and for all.

Until then we can look forward to a blockbuster remake of a famous musical, (hip-hopped and techno-ed up, melody and lyrics simplified) recast with some of today's hottest talent. My inside sources tell me to expect a Christmas release and check it out...I got my hands on the friggin' poster!!!!

I do and do for you people.....

The Magic of the Triangle - An Unsung Instrument gets its Due

The triangle has long been the butt of jokes, the go to instrument when a cheap laugh is needed (see the clip below). Yes, it's but a simple bent metal rod, practically anyone can make a reasonable sound on it and from there people make the unfortunate leap and believe that it is easy to play.
Nothing could be further from the truth and only a true artist can consistently evoke the proper colors from this unappreciated, three-sided gem of an instrument.

In the orchestra, the best composers have long known where to turn when a woodwind chord need to be given that shimmering, ethereal boost or a rousing brass fanfare needs a glorious, jubilant, and silvery brush stroke to truly deliver the spirit of the moment! It's the humble triangle to the rescue time and time again.




With this in mind The Blob is glad to announce that another new sponsor has joined the fold. Isosceles magazine is a serious publication dedicated to all aspects of the triangle arts. They never shy away from tackling even the most controversial issues. Here's a brief exerpt:


Do Jews Make Better Trianglists?


It's long been contended that Jews make better lovers. It's an established fact that they make better husbands...thousands of years of oppression and servitude have had their effect. But what about the triangle? Can this cultural baggage produce beneficial results in this realm as well?


According to Alan Abel, the legendary trianglist with the Detroit Symphony, the answer is a resounding yes! "The triangle is an outcast in the orchestra, ill considered and annoying to some but always a soloist and always heard, no matter how loud the rest of the group is playing.


With the history that we Jews have it makes us ideal candidates to properly play this little instrument. Mahler would only have Jews play triangle whenever he conducted...he understood. Today the finest trianglist is Robert Slapcoff, a Canadian Jew. http://www.radiobremen.de/kultur/dossiers/kammerphilharmonie/blog128.html


Is it just a coincidence? Do we make better triangle players? Who am I to say, but listen...it couldn't hurt!!" ...


That's just the kind of well crafted, insightful article that Isosceles magazine provides for it's loyal readers, four times a year. Get yourself a copy today!!

Say It Ain't So Benny!!

Benny Hinn said...
Bolivia??? ...What the heck are you talking about, Blob?? Where do you comedians get this stuff?? BOLIVIA?!?!?! That's kooky talk!!! Why, I don't even know where Bolivia IS!

I SWEAR!! So... to summarize... no more goofy, silly, TOTALLY NOT TRUE irresponsible stories about Bolivia (wherever THAT is, and where I've NEVER EVER been)





While I'm flattered to have anybody writing in to my blog I will freely admit that televangelists are not my favorite type of people. They are an easy target and while nothing makes me happier than seeing one fall from grace I must give credit where credit is due. These guys are brilliant scam artists in so many ways. Every bit as egomaniacal as cult leaders but smart enough to avoid the hassle of starting their own religion, they hitch a ride on the biggest cult of all and ride it to glory, wealth, power, sex and all of it tax free! (praise Jesus!!)

They also seem to be making millions of followers happy so what could be bad?? Well, if squeezing money out of poor people is bad then you may have a point (or being cynical, hypocritical, whoremongering, homophobic but gay, crack using, lying, tax cheating messengers of God is bad you have a point too).



So Benny Hinn decides to write in and deny everything. The Blob broke the story about his tryst with a Bolivian woman known to us only as Xochamaro. She's an Indian midget from a mountain village not far from La Paz who travelled many miles by foot for an audience with Hinn hoping that he could bestow upon her the miracle of growth...he kind of did but not quite in the way she expected. She did get a free trip to Nevada though for their so called "consultation" but we don't have the resources here to do a follow up or even to repudiate Mr. Hinn's vociferous denials.

Luckily the National Enquirer is always at the ready to help me out (thanks guys) so go get yourself the latest edition and while I've got your attention, say what you want about Jim Baker but at least he went for a babe in Jessica Hahn to help bring down his empire with a touch of elegance while Hinn and Swaggart...let's just say they could've done better.

Viva la Revolución - of Dressing and Undressing

We live in an age of speed. Reams have been written about this, much of it boring and repetitive and the rest, mind numbing and redundant. I'll spare you my theories on the subject suffice to say that groundhog day isn't really only about what you think it is!! (My cousin's friend's uncle worked for the CIA...I can get the documentation)

In the time it's taken you to read this, 7 new products have been introduced to the marketplace. Capitalism has long been the engine that propelled Western society forward but now it is careening and mutating, almost out of control.

Great inventions have changed the way we live but so have some rather terrible ones. Take the proliferation of salad dressing varietals for instance.

When I was a kid Kraft made a manageable assortment of salad dressings: oil and vinegar...(red wine vinegar was considered exotic), Thousand Island, Russian (which was thousand island without the pickle relish), French, Catalina (exactly the same as French but for people who hated France, and something called Ranch which is still the most unappetizing sounding of all the dressings. That was pretty much it

Today Kraft alone makes 65 types of dressing including the 8 types of ranch pictured above!! Other products have followed suit...Kit Kat bars have hybridized like so many of it's chocolate bar cousins. We have Kit Kat in milk, dark, or white chocolate. Kit Kat infused with caramel, flavored with raspberry, orange, coffee or mint. Giant Kit Kats, chunky ones, or Kit Kats pre-broken into individual sticks. Do we really need all these choices. Will we soon see Kit Kats especially for women... or the Lebanese??? ("Now with Chawfa!!")

Some would argue this is all in the natural order of things, indeed Mother nature herself experiments and provides an overabundance of variety. Do we really need a nectarine to be happy...it's merely a peach with a Brazilian and yet, we have nectarines.

Not that this type of proliferation is always a bad thing. A fortuitous confluence of social, environmental, and economic events has brought about a major revolution in women's pants and leggings.

Madonna and now Lady Gaga have encouraged women to embrace their sexuality and to be hot and nearly naked as often as possible. Global warming has made hardly wearing anything (while still feeling empowered) an imperative and tough times have paved the way for savvy entrepreneurs to offer up some inexpensive yet provocative (and liberating) twists on the old stockings and shorts wardrobe staples.

My extensive research points to the American Apparel company as the leaders in this field and after several hours I've been able to come up with what I feel is a representative sampling:

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/misc/002/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/jillian/003/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/britney2/009/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/Sasha/001/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/debbie/003/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/meg/001/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/mallory2/005/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/sophie2/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/Hyunha/002/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/genny/001/

http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/xochielt/

And so this hottest of all summers is just that but in in more ways than one. In fact....oh crap!! That shrew Nan Wilkinson (http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2008/08/important-message-from-editorial-staff.html) just showed up in the office...one sec...."yes Nan...I see what's on my computer, it's for research....NO...the hand cream is because I have dry skin...hey get away from my keyboard. I told you you weren't allowed back here!!! EVER!!

Hi Gang,

I wish I could say that it was nice to be back but I assume that you are as appalled as I with the base tone of this post in particular. I know smut when I see it and American Apparel or not, this is filthy smut, (im)pure and simple. Blob, I implore you...you're better than this. Now go to bed and get a fresh start come morning! And put on a happy face!! :o)

"Yes Nan" :o(

Best triangle Note Ever!!! Happy 150th Gustav

Anyone who knows anything about The Blob knows that at any given moment the juvenile sex jokes could stop and and heavy, almost evangelic zealotry could set in with regards to my idol and one of the top two or three greatest composers to ever grace the face of the Earth; Gustav Mahler.

Today, July 7th, 2010 I'll succumb to my daily urge and pontificate away... after all he only turns 150 once and a little leeway can be afforded me every century and a half. If I waited till his 200th they'd have to regenerate me from my hologram-plasmatrix lunapod and what fun would that be?

How much of a genius was Mahler? Give a listen to the stormy opening of the 4th mvt of his very 1st symphony. All hell is breaking loose in this battle scene that is a metaphor for man's struggle to find redemption and peace. During a climactic moment at 1:37 he decides to give a single solo note to the triangle...and it works!!

That would be enough in my books but there's so much more!





His 3rd symhphony finale, conducted below by Leonard Bernstein, is a huge work divided into 6 movements. Initially he had subtitled each one starting with "What the Rocks Told Me" and ending with "What Love Told Me".... a veritable blueprint for the evolution of human consciousness and spirituality. Mahler wasn't religious in the traditional sense, more of a pantheist actually and for him God, love, music, and nature were all the same thing.





The clip above starts right after another crushing defeat in the human (and we can assume his own)attempt to find meaning.
In a typical Mahler move the human voice is given to a single wind instrument, in this case the flute, to dare once more ask the question followed even more plaintively by the child like piccolo.
Another regularly used device is a heavenly choir of trumpets as the voice of "god"... Mahler uses archetypes, symbols and musical genres to get his point across...a little military march here, a chorale there, even a schtickel Klezmer. Sure he converted to get a better gig, but once a Jew always a Jew, at least that's what Richard Wagner said.

When said trumpets begin to finally relate the whole truth and nothing but the truth the strings tremble in awe but soon rise up to join the goings on as the benevolent universe reveals itself.
Of course, ever the genius, Mahler decides two tympanists should get the honours, pounding out the fundamentals while the rest of the gang jubilate in a major chord.


I love this guy but I also love my readers!

Next post you'll get a little of this action when we discuss the latest revolution in leggings.


Ever the genius, Mahler would've approved.

The Picks Are In!!!!

Hey there sports fans. The Blob continues it's World Cup coverage with yet another update. Unlike other blogs and news services I like to keep it simple by offering an intro post early on then skipping ahead to the semi-finals thereby leaving out the tournament's meaningless bulk or filler material.

And so, it all comes down today this. Today the proud Uruguayans, South Americas last hope versus the perennial underachieving powerhouse that is the Dutch national squad.


Tomorrow, a titanic struggle between the fiery Spaniards and the ruthless and efficient German team (see: Schindler's List).

Of course, The Blob, with it's full service mandate has been offering sports betting tips and predictions throughout the World Cup through my FaceBook page and yes, I have been consistently wrong about every game of any importance but, those days are done. A computer glitsch was feeding info from my on-line dating profile into my sports prognostication soft ware; SporProg 3000, and this resulted in the steady stream of wrongness. A couple of swift strokes to the side of that whirring, box type thing with a rubber mallet and let the betting begin...it's all fixed!!!



Netherlands vs Uruguay

The smart money in Vegas is on the Netherlands to ride their astonishing upset over mighty Brazil straight into the finals. The smarter money here at The Blob says " not so fast!". Sure the South Americans are prohibitive underdogs and will be without their star striker Suarez but the Dutch are a cocky lot and inside sources tell me that they are already looking ahead. Look for Uruguay to score early and hang on with their tenacious defence that relies in part on tireless coverage but predominantly on struck posts and missed calls by the referee. The Dutch will open up in the second half leaving themselves vulnberable to a counter attack and a possible two-nill deficit.

Here it is then with The Blob guarantee. If you want to make the right bet just remember: "Where there's a will there's a Uruguay!" and remember....you heard it here first!

Uruguay 2 - the Nether lands 1



Spain vs Germany

What is there to say about this one; a classic World Cup confrontation between two international forces....only one will move on and at the end there will be blood, sweat, and tears upon the pitch.
As a Jew this match has been especially difficult to predict...descendants of the Inquisitors or the 3rd Reich, each awash in talent and a historical desire to dominate. One a people of passion and sun light who have cast off the oppressive shackles of Catholicism to embrace corruption and hedonism. The other, former denizens of the middle earth who have emerged with a desire to make amends but who's national cuisine is even worst than England's.


Here it is then with The Blob guarantee. Despite Germany's impressive run, the favoured Spaniards flair and speed will win the day; "Espana über alles!!!"

Spain 1 - Germany 0

World Date UpCup

(ed. note: We think he meant World Cup Update but he's tired and cranky... didn't have the heart to mention it)

The World Cup of soccer is in full swing. Africa, at long last and to the great joy of her citizens, is now first among equals in the great family of nations.
During the opening ceremonies as we were welcomed back, with open arms, to the source of our origins I couldn't help but get a bit choked up. First Obama and now this...bye bye White guilt and good riddance!!
I watched a short film clip about the vuvuzela, new to me and apparently some kind of indigenous instrument that the locals played with great delight. It looked and sounded almost identical to the plastic blowhorn I had as a kid, but what did I know.
I still remember my last blowhorn; I was 11 years old and brought it to a sparsely attended Expos game. I played it loud and lustily and around the 7th inning a nearby drunk asked to take a look at it. "Sure" I said and watched as he calmy held an end in each hand, broke it in two and handed it back to me!!
Well...there are thousands of 11 year old me's at any given world cup match and the rest of the planet has turned into that ballpark drunk. Infuriated and vengeful but this time with no recourse. Commentators, columnists, and bloggers have raled and foamed at the mouth. FIFA tried to ban the instrument from all stadiums but all to no avail. The horrid, annoying, loud buzzing noise is with us for another 3 weeks, like it or not.





This clip is more or less typical of the bitter tone that has characterized the uproar.

"What can they possibly be thinking?" you may well ask. The source of so many of our most engaging and enduring forms of popular music and THIS is what they come up with??

Its like the nerdy, poor kid from a backwards family who's parents finally let him have a party in their basement because they won a 50" 3D plasma TV and everybody wants to come check it out and they serve sardines and cream soda and he pulls the chairs out from under the cool kids as they're about to sit down and cracks up and squirts them with water pistols all night (and cracks up).

That's pretty much how it seems on first glance but here at The Blob we like to scratch below the surface to see what worms of truth we can unearth.

My South African operatives put me in touch with Mbuko Seke Ngolobasele, and elderly gentleman who was there at the beginning of what he calls "the vuvuzela movement".

"The instrument was invented some 10 years ago ... a plastic version of a horn that has been used for many years by the Duduk tribesmen to talk across great distances while tending to their herds. Then we got the World Cup the people in the slums and shanty towns started to talk. "We will get nothing from this " they said "but still, the world will come to our doorstep!" And so it began. We are a poor continent, maybe backwards in the eyes of some, but we understand revenge as well as anybody else. We were all encouraged to buy the vuvuzela, it is not expensive, and in churches and elsewhere we were taught to play it as loud as we could and with the most brittle of tones. After centuries of exploitation at the hands of imperialists...enslavement, rape, pillaging, plundering of our wealth, support of the most bloody and corrupt regimes... No we are not rich and cannot afford many bombs but we would have our revenge!!"

And so the African fans, in a tremendous display of passive/aggressive retribution are ruining our party and clearly delighting in doing so. I guess we deserve it but in 3 weeks it'll be all over, the playing field will be even once again and we will all emerge winners!

EUPH!! 2!!

The date was July 24th, in the year 2007 and The Blob made special mention of a little show that could on the occasion of its 5000th performance http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/07/landmark-show-reaches-5000th.html

Almost three years later and with legions of fans clamoring for more, producer Burton Scheissman has delivered the goods with a spectacular new musical that is only two weeks away from its official opening.

"Of course there will be lots of euphonium but we've changed the setting to Paris and there is a love story too. I can't give too much away but...have you ever had to choose between the woman you love and an instrument that looks better than she does??!!"

Critics who've seen the preview have raved and tickets are almost impossible to come by after low brass lovers snapped them up in record time.

New songs like the poignant "Oh Papa, (without you I'm but an Oom)", the bluesy tuba feature "You Can't get No Lower", and the boisterous and hilarious "Euphonium Can Can, Can't" will haves fans of the original EUPH!! tapping their toes and lining up yet again for a return visit!!!

While We're on the Subject

You know how it goes...I post something, a couple of people find it interesting enough to send some related questions my way, and before you know it there's a whole week of Blob on the same subject. I guess it's relationship week:

MARIA CALLOUS writes:

That's great Blob, thanks for clearing all that up. But can you write a post that helps the young unmarried types feel the love? And not the kind of love she can get at the bar any time she wants. The kind of love where she can get off AND have someone do her chores for her. Any suggestions? (nothing expensive neither!)

Well Maria, that's quite the question and you are far from the first to ask it.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qhjmHioPH8&feature=related

My sources tell me that you are an attractive, intelligent young woman and the fun kind of bi-polar. You can either stay the course and wait it out or go ahead and date a much older man. There are benefits and drawbacks to either option.

If you choose to wait it out then you'll be stuck doing your own chores....guys you pick up at bars will not do this. Maybe while you're waiting you can move back in with your parents and they can do the dog walking, cooking, and cleaning for you!

The older, more grounded man will satisfy all your needs but be dead by the time you're 70 leaving you time to take that scultping class you always wanted to try and to go on a cruise. Actually there is no down side to plan B.

Anonymous in Saskatchewan writes:

Dear Blob,

I've got a strange boyfriend related problem and I'm at my wits end. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful guy; romantic, thoughtful, and he does chores but there's a habit of his that is driving me crazy!

We have an active and fulfilling sex life but when he has an orgasm he sort of does this spasm thing and raps me in the head with his knuckles. He swears it isn't so but it feels for all the world likes he's giving me a noogie. If that isn't bad enough he also giggles and points after he cums...this can go on for a few minutes and is extremely annoying!!

I'm being transferred from Regina to Phoenix soon (he giggles when I say either of those places as well :o( and need to know if I should just abandon ship. Thanks for your help.

Dear Anonymous,

Far from the Dickens inspired song I linked to above (Dickens...hehe!!!) you have found love but not without its complications, in this case, medical complications.

The good news is that with therapy and the proper medication your boyfriend can change his ways. I'm not a doctor but I will recommend Gravitrol, the latest in a line of sexual behaviour inhibitors that basically help men with his condition (Immature ejaculatilon) to grow up. There are some minor side effects...abnormal interest in the works of Syliva Plath and Kurt Cobain, inappropriate philopsophical musings, staring meaningfully at inanimate objects, but all the things you are having trouble with will, in time, disappear. Best of luck!

For Ladies Mostly

For almost 3 years now, The Blob has meant so much to so few. Useless advice and information have been doled out, jokes told, fake products hawked and all free of charge. (don't worry...I'm not about to ask you for money)

With that in mind let's all take a deep breath as we wade into the murky waters of relationships. A subject that perhaps, amidst all the frivolity, I've neglected.

Problems are many and solutions are hard to come by, after all ... people, including women, are involved. I'll now attempt to clear a couple of things up where so many others have made vast fortunes failing.

Back in the day a modest and successful kids show called Romper Room had a segment where the host/teacher would peer out through the TV screen using a "magic mirror". As little kids we were convinced she could see us!

I too have such a device, specifically tailored to look out from behind my computer and into the psyches of my female readership. Doctor Phil would kill for such a thing but again, don't worry... it's metaphorical.

THE PROBLEM

What I see from this vantage point is that women in commited, heterosexual, relationships are by and large missing the boat. The majority who complain of not being loved properly or validated sufficiently need only broaden their scope and look around their own houses. Are their rules being followed by their spouse? ... cabinet doors and drawers closed, clothes picked up, towels rehung etc. etc. If so this is one of the many ways your man is telling you that he loves and respects you. For many men these behaviours do not come naturally.

For your husband, NOT forgetting his used underwear on the kitchen table while he stops by the fridge on the way to the laundry room is every bit as valid a loving gesture as leaving a single rose on your pillow and yet women continuously overlook the obvious.

Why would we put the toilet seat down if it wasn't out of respect for you? Have the stray hairs been cleaned from the bathtub, the beard stubble rinsed from the sink, the very sink that he pees in without telling you??? The floors or dishes washed and any other number of chores completed during the course of a given week? And all this on top of saying he loves you, opening the occasional door and making sure your physical and emotional needs are met....as far as he can tell.

There is so much love going on and you aren't even aware of it. Soon enough and as a consequence, the husband starts to feel invalidated and the downward spiral begins.

THE SOLUTION

The answer of course is to start noticing and embracing these loving gestures, not keying in on the odd fault. That twinge in the pit of your stomach you felt when I mentioned "a single rose left on your pillow" can happen all day long if you choose to notice what is already there and trust me ladies, the twinges compound and build until you feel like exploding. Some women I've spoken to who have adopted this attitude have actually climaxed using this technique. I call it a "choregasm" and according to them it's every bit as good as the real thing!

Does he wash your walls, polish your floors, scrub your carpet, degrease your oven, lather your cat??? He loves you!! Now leave him alone and let him watch TV.

The Blob's Revenge

Imagine this setting; A sultry Montreal night, 30 or so people gathered in a visual and aural gem of a small chapel to hear artfully interpreted baroque music for 2 violins and guitar, a thoroughly enjoyable 1st half and then, post-intermission, all hell in it's own freakish and maddening way, breaks out.

Someone had taken my seat so I moved across the aisle to a pew who's only occupant was a very attractive woman, unfortunately she didn't return for the 2nd part. Still...a pew to myself, an aisle seat at that and an empty row in front of me. Let the show commence!!

"Not so fast" said God as he sent yet another trial my way, this time in the form of a couple of very-much-in-love, fat cretins. They had been sitting away from me and behind earlier but now they plunked themselves directly in front as the musicians took the stage. I managed to find an acceptable sight line but then the two round, jut jawed, ham fisted (like this guy)

lovebirds started their own show a mere 2 feet from my face.

Whisperings followed by knowing, oily, glances, a fat, raised eyebrow here, a tender rub of the arm or haunch there, a touch to the nose followed by a mimed picking of same nose followed by laughter and an audible slap to the arm, head scratching, incessant program reading (they shared one and it was only one page long), a lull for some hand holding which quickly led to some sort of lover's thumb wrestle.

Changing seats in a such a small and intimate setting wasn't really an option, nor was closing my eyes for an hour. It was technology that rescued me...the powerful combination of my cell phone camera and The Blob's global outreach..... the world would feel my suffering and know of their sinfulness, I would have my revenge!!!

Then I heard yet another voice, it seemed to be coming from the altar!! "Jesus, is that you??" (this guy)

"Yes, my child" answered the voice. "Behold the miracle of love before you. These two lonely, portly souls whom I have joined as one. Look not askance, nor cast ye not aspersions as thou woudst stones unto a sinner for they share with you the mystery and glory of their union. Thou shalt not be given to vengeful acts for that is my Father's dominion and his alone...we have this good cop bad cop thing going!!" "But Jesus" I implored, "come sit a while in my shoes" and at that I felt overcome by a warmth that seemed to radiate outwards from deep within me. (skeptics have attributed this to my Bean 'n' Beef burrito grandé combo) 15 seconds later it had passed and the voice returned. "Jesus??" I asked. "yeah, it's me. On further review, go for it and by the way, my Dad just sterilized her. Up, up and awayyyy!!"

The Perfect Mistake and other Oxymorons

Mikexxxster said...

Hey, Blobber; HELP!!!

Graham James, the notorious hockey coach/sexual predator, a number of years ago was granted a full pardon by our Federal Government...

Thanks for your question or in this case, cry for helpful advice, Mikexxxster. For those of you who want to read his unedited and lengthy letter please refer to the comment section in the previous post (bring pyjamas!!)

I, along with many other right minded folk, have been pondering this question of late in light of the recent upswing in Catholic church sex scandal news. It seems his holiness Pope Benedict, when it comes to priestly pedophelia, has a history of at best benign neglect and at worse complicit cover-up. This from a man who today we are supposed to see as infallible. Sure the word "infallible" only applies to matters of Catholic doctrine and where in the manual is there a passage that prohibits rogering boys? Where I ask you??

At any rate, maybe he just made a mistake here and there, nobody's perfect.

"Perfect mistakes" do exist of course and should be rightly distinguished form "lucky breaks" and "fortunate errors". Serendipity as exemplified here (check the undoctored name of the Times Berlin correspondent covering the latest Vatican scandal)

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7065824.ece plays a part but it's only part of the story. It's as though the mistake, in confluence with it sorroundings, leads to more than the sum of its parts. Here is a small but perfect example:

At least in Tiger's case there was informed consent and porn stars.

The abuse of power by the clergy is a shameful and ongoing story with a CEO at the Vatican who seems to have little ability or interest in defeating the problem and not enough oversight and quality control over his branch offices.

One man who seems to have found a solution, albeit in the realm of science/fantasy, is noted author David Jerome who's Turd Stuffington boy's adventure series has thrilled readers for almost 20 years. Says Jerome: "It's high time that I dealt with this issue in a way that would educate, entertain, and appeal to my core audience of pre-teen boys. After all, what boy wouldn't want to be rescued from a vile villain by the likes of a dashing astronaut!!" As for the introduction of a new character he continued: "Batman had his ward Robin, Dr. Quest had his associate Race Bannon. It's high time that Turd Stuffington had a sidekick of his own!"

To Hab and to Hab Not

We Jews llike to tell the Hannukah story once a year...you know...the miracle of the little vial of sacramental oil that lasted eight days when there was only enough for one.

Montreal's beloved Canadiens, the standard bearers for the last viable religion in Quebec, just ripped a page out of the Jewish playbook with a fairly miraculous post-season run. A team that was supposed to last into the first week of April but was still playing in the 3rd week of May has, as of last night, seen its vial run dry!

It's time to move on, go for a bike ride, play a litle golf, maybe even fire up the old barbecue but before we do there is a tradition to uphold. With that in mind let the recriminations begin!!

Pundits, commentators and the like, both professional and amateur, will praise the team and immediately thereafter start the chorus of "that being said". Blame will be parceled out, axes will be sharpened and the miracle will be all but forgotten.

I'm no Jewish ethnocentrist but couldn't we all learn a thing or two from my people (besides philosophy, science, art etc.) and simply celebrate a miracle, as we do even centuries later, rather than dump all over it.

During Hannukah we don't gather every year to bitch about what could have been: "If they'd played it a bit differently the oil could've easily lasted 12 days, like Christmas!! Judah the Maccabee should never have been in charge, I'd have gone with Avrum "the Scythe" Ben Kahan dammit!!"

No, we just eat.





That being said.....
I put the blame squarely at the feet of Les Canadiens' management for not going with a proven winning combination. The Montreal symphony brass have played the national anthems at the Bell Center on several occasions and when they do the team wins...period!
In the playoff run alone they played and the Habs beat Pittsburgh in game 6, they played again and we beat Philly in game 3, they were replaced by little 16 year old rising star, Nikki Yanofsky in game 4 and were soundly beaten.
Sure she's cute and sings well and is cute. In a year and a half she'll be 18, legal, and recording industry weasels will be able to pry her away from her parents guiding hands and finally get her to make slutty naked videos like Rhianna or Christina Aguilera. That's of course, another story.

In this case it's even worse than simply jinxing the team. Let's break it down: When the OSM brass play the anthems people in the stands sang loud and proud because they were being accompanied by a glorious sounding live ensemble, not singing along with someone who made a name for herself during the recent olympics and who many people may have wanted to listen to rather than drown out. The end result was a rousing, crowd stirring OSM anthem that had the house rockin' and home team that came out with fire in their eyes. Not so for Nikki's a cappela rendition. I'll show you the good one of the two....see what I mean??


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wvut4Mbhco&feature=player_embedded


A special mention to Blob accolytes and regular comment section participants, Party Bear and Mama Callous for their stunning trombone work and for the former's brilliant arrangement of
O Canada. Take special note of the introduction, artfully and legally lifted from famed dead composer Richard Strauss' fanfare "Stadt Wien".



In Closing

Poor managerial decisions notwithstanding, there's one thing we can all agree on. It's been said before and I'll say it again; Canadiens fans are the most knowledgeable fans in the whole world. Possibly even more than you'd think......

Gulf of Messico

In the time it takes to type "BP" enough oil to fill your jacuzzi has blasted out of a drill hole on the sea floor. Under normal circumstances the public would be filled with outrage but during the year 2000, in a remarkable display of marketing foresight, British Petroleum changed their logo from a green shield with bold face, capital letters to a sort of green, leafy, salad with small case letters. It has proven more difficult than expected to get mad at this group of humble veggie lovers.

THE CRISIS SO FAR

No contingency plan was in place for for an event such as this, an event that BP officials assured was impossible (see: Titanic) so now the Louisiana wetlands and fishery are threatened and the plumes of oil seep into the loop current that will gradually spread the oil up the east coast.

All attempts at stopping the spewing slime have failed. The heavy encasement that was supposed too cap the well bombed, the detergent (also toxic) used to break up the oil into little beads was just plain stupid and now there's talk of filling the well with old golf balls, chopped up tires and some sort of thick sludge followed by cement. Given the unprecedented nature of this disaster, none of this has been attempted at depth, ever.

The worst case scenario may end up being the best case scenario; everglades and other wetlands destroyed, east coast beaches befouled, ecological and humanitarian crises of a nightmarish degree and THEN maybe the world will become serious about weaning itself from oil and put the proper amount of money and energy into a viable alternative. With any luck tornados and hurricanes will make things even worse, slathering oil , like globs of sunscreen, all over the fat ass of the US, the American south.

THE BLOB SOLUTION

Warning: the following section is graphic and revolting in nature. The young and the squeamish (not to be confused with the ABC soap opera of the same name) should look away.

This is an advice column so now it's time for me to weigh in.

Other well meaning do-gooders have offered ideas: Using human and animal hair to make booms that soak up or disperse the oil http://abclocal.go.com/wtvg/story?section=news/local&id=7455194 is a quaint and somewhat disgusting notion.

One woman has suggested using specially treated tea bags to do the same thing.

I synthesized the two ideas, hair and tea bags,

( Urban Dictionary definition of "teabag": The act of dunking into or pressing against any object, liquid or bodypart using the male scrotum.)

and discovered that the unshaven human scrotum, with all it's hairy folds and recesses, can mop up an oil slick 8 to 10 times larger than its own surface area!! Teams of appropriately large-balled men straddling low lying catamarans should do the trick. The Danes with their reputed testicular mass and boring, often depressing, Danish lives are ideal candidates.

An even better idea involves cutting our losses. Let's face it, the disaster is upon us and there's no turning back but there is a silver lining.

According to the American Oceanographic Institute of the Culinary Arts, the Gulf is naturally wok shaped and by mid-August it will be primarily filled with oil. It also happens to be the largest shrimp hatchery in the world. Do you see where I'm going with this....a tanker or two filled with soy sauce, a squadron of crop dusters loaded up with 5 spice powder, a lit match, an obese demographic with voracious appetites and voila, the largest stir fry in history!! The shrimp don't go to waste, most of the oil gets burnt off and an economically devastated population gets to hold their heads high once again when the Guinness Book of World Records people come to call as they most certainly will!

Sure this blog is here to entertain but every once in a great while duty calls. I urge all like minded citizens to head south, a brigade of hungry, chopstick toting volunteers that we'll call Appetite for Humanity. Tell 'em The Blob sent you.

Oh yeah, guys...you're welcome to try the first idea as well. If you're worried about your own hygiene there are people already on the ground ready to help with the delicate clean up job. You've seen footage from previous spills...brigades of women with soapy, gloved hands gently massaging the thick oil off of baby otters. You do the math!

Wow, They Did It Again.

Americans, almost despite themselves, have somehow done the right thing again, even when the right thing is a left thing...universal health care. One of the most important and historic pieces of legislation in US history passed yesterday through the senate with all the ease and grace of a pea sized kidney stone.

Of course the really important news of the day was that Tiger Woods granted two short, one on one interviews. The first with the very hot Golf Channel personality, Kelly Tilghman...the second, with some guy.

Tiger has cost the PGA, and anyone associated with professional golf, untold millions of dollars with his philandering ways. When he's not around public interest drops way off and as such the choice of Tilghman as interviewer has the faint odor of revenge. After all, the Golf Channel sending a sexy, very white, woman to interview the straying golfer is like MTV sending a lit crack pipe to interview Amy Winehouse.

To his credit, Tiger managed to hold it together for the first interview but was clearly distracted during the 2nd.

Thanks to The Blob's "thought cam" we can get a better look at what was actually going on.

Man, if ever the "thought cam" fell into the wrong hands, eh??!!

And so Tiger Woods continues on his tortuous path towards redemption as his country, led by another world famous Mulatto (what..is that not the right term these days?), passes a bill that assures that no family will be denied care for their autistic child's pre-existing condition or will be bankrupted (or worse) because of astronomical costs. The crazy right, you know; Limbaugh, Palin, Beck, Hannity, the Tea Partyers etc. are still mightily peeved that they lost the last election and that their fear mongering was soundly repudiated. Now this, and just when they thought they had something going again. The rhetoric and litigious nitpicking will now be ratcheted up and if you're not careful you may be swayed by the lies and vitriol. Watch Jon Stewart and stay the course! http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/#clip276647 (this is a tour de force....Glen Beck will never be the same)

Bishop Responsible

Peter Graves (AKA Jim Phelps, leader of the Mission Impossible team) died this past weekend at about the same time that serious allegations about Joseph Ratzinger (AKA Pope Benedict XVI, leader of the Catholic Church) and a cover-up of priestly pedophilia were coming to light.

The crack Blob research team has managed once again to find a connection, albeit tenuous, between these two men and recent events. Listen up:

• Both men changed their names for professional reasons...Graves from Arness because his brother James was already the well known star of Gunsmoke. Ratzinger to Benedict because of some edict that I was too lazy to look up.


• Both men were devoutly Christian


• Peter Graves, born in 1926, played a Nazi in Stalag 17 while Ratzinger, born in 1927, played one in the Hitler Youth.


• Graves, despite a flagging post MI career almost turned down his most celebrated roll; Captain Oveur in the cult classic Airplane. He strongly objected to the scene in question because it had his character hitting on a little boy beginning with the now famous opening line "ever been in a cockpit before?" Graves was troubled by this but eventually decided to go ahead with the self-parody of the stalwart and upstanding Phelps thereby paving the way for similar star turns by Leslie Nielsen and Al Gore. Watch this YouTube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sp-BYkOGkw at 3:20 - 5:24


• The current Pope, born in 1927, may have been responsible for enforcing a secret Vatican vow of silence regarding sex crimes known by its Latin name Crimen Sollicitationis. Watch this disturbing BBC report: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3335354490744010763#


• Graves - US Navy. Ratzinger - Nazi anti-aircraft unit. (ok...so he deserted, the war was almost over anyways!)

Two men, born a year apart who's lives took different paths and who made difficult choices in the face of some serious moral questions. We lost a good one yesterday.

Already With the New Sponsors (look at Mr. fancy bigshot!!)

Only back posting for a couple of days and the sponsors are literally knocking my door down. I'm talking, of course, about the recent incident involving Teddy and Loob Munson (the Munson brothers, and owners of Munson's Bevelled ham..."Better cause it's bevelled!!), a gambling debt, and a home invasion. But that's besides the point, although I could use a delicious, angled slice of that smoky, country ham right about now!

At any rate, if you like video games and are the least bit anal retentive then your day has finally arrived!! An extra $150 bucks and Play Station will provide the exciting reed making module!!
Did somebody say "Say goodbye to going outside??!!??"




If you are looking for something more suitable for the less coordinated and attentive 3-7 year old then hang in there. Sources tell me that the much awaited Euphonium Hero is only weeks away!

A Day in the Life of a Rock Timpanist

Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton are in town for what promises to be a legendary concert, a local orchestra has been hired for the occasion, and I have been chosen to play timpani.
Come with me won't you, for an exclusive BLOB behind the scene look at how it all went down:

11 a.m. - Arrive at the Bell Centre's massive loading dock to deliver my drums. Huge semi trucks everywhere and one catering van brimming with trays of fabulous food. We got coffee and a tin of cookies (imported ones though!!)

11:15 a.m - Timps now inside, the stage is being set for tonight's epic performance. IATSE members swarm about like paunchy worker bees in preparation. There is an eery sense of anticipation in the cavernous arena.

11:30 - Move timps to small hot rehearsal/dressing room, set up near imported cookies and wait for stagehands to deliver stands and chairs for 12 o'clock call.

12:30 - Stuff finally shows up, music handed out, rehearsal begins. We are so ready to rock!!!

12:31 - Open my folder to check out my parts. Orchestra will be playing 7 tunes with the guitar hero, Jeff Beck. Let's rock!!!!

12:32 - Start with the encore and the only song I play. Puccini's "Nessun Dorma" (considered the heavy metal anthem of it's day)

12:45 - My work here is done. Next call at 3 has now been delayed till around 4:30. Will now go about getting paid while creatively killing time.

1:00 - Food court, newspaper, muffin type thing, coffee, olympics on nearby TV.

3:00 - All done, only another hour and a half to kill...excitement building!!

4;30 - Onstage with the man himself and his kick ass band. Monster drummer Narada Michael Walden comes up to say hi...asks if I was the same guy from their gig the night before in Toronto. I tell him no but reassure him that all of us Canadians look the same..an honest mistake.

4:31 - 5:55 Watch show from on-stage, behind my drums.

5:56 -6:00 Play my 30 seconds, a massive crescendo on the dominant chord leading to an orgasmic resolution. (uh oh...a trap...if I listen to Jeff Beck who plays a certain note too early I'll resolve my chord and change drums prematurely...must relax!!)

6:01 clean -up and supper.

7:30 - Showtime! The Bell Center is full...rock and ROLL!! An hour later it's all over, the trap avoided I pack up and head for home.....another satisfied customer left in my wake.

9:30 - I find this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQHacfW9X1k&NR=1

Watch as the Madison Square Garden timpanist starts at 1:50, falls in the trap at 2:00 and climaxes early,then half-hardedly tries to regroup by going back to the big drum.

Apparently the conductor was kind afterwards, telling him that this happens to lots of guys and that he'd be sure to call him next time they were in New York.

Poor guy, his 15 seconds of shame captured on the MSG big screen and now immortalized on YouTube!

Moral of the story: If you can make it in Montreal you can make it anywhere!