Anus,
I know you're busy, and we should take whatever posts you give us, and that this one is funny and clever as always, BUT when the hell did you start writing in the voice of your readers' characters?
I honed the Troy Huber brand, I focus-grouped the SHIT out of it, spent months developing it. You can't just say "take it away Troy" and "be" Troy. I'M Troy.
Fuck you.
Troy
My response:
Taint,
I suppose I can understand your rage and sense of betrayal. After all, you did come up with the Troy Huber character, and then proceded to neglect him for months at a time. Pleas by myself and some of my most voluptuous and nubile young readers to "bring back Troy" have time and again fallen on deaf ears.
Of course, this is besides the point. Had you read the fine print on post 1, day 1 of The Blob (we were so young back then!!) perhaps you'd have spared me the bitter invective. http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2006/05/greetings-and-salutations.html
My lawyers assure me there is legal precedent (Letterman-NBC/Intellectual Property) so hows about we just agree to let bygones be bygones.
go bury a hatchet up your ass,
Blob
Funny how everything old is new again. This whole unfortunate episode with Troy reminds me of that legendary night back in the early 60's when the Rat Pack ruled the Vegas Strip and a drunken Peter Lawford got into a tiff with an even more besotted Dean Martin. The boozy crooner had just rammed Joey Bishop, head first, into a lamp post and then stabbed him in the neck with a complimentary Sands Hotel pen (later re-enacted by Joe Pesci in Casino) much to the raucous amusement of the other bad boys.
Lawford was the only one to take exception and immediately called Martin "the asshole of the Rat Pack" which led to the now famous reply
"Maybe so, but If I'm the asshole, you're the taint!!" (editor's note: taint refers to the region between genitalia and anus i.e. it taint one nor the other)Much martini fueled hilarity ensued. Sinatra grabbed a sheet of paper, scribbled down a few lyrics and dashed off to Nelson Riddle's room, interrupting his customary 4 p.m. "nap" and shooing out the showgirls.
A tune was banged out on the piano, an arrangement hastily conceived, and music was ready on the bandstand for the 11 o'clock 2nd set.
So...Troy calls me an anus, I call him a taint, and like I said, everything old is new again.
Here with thanks to the Nelson Riddle Humantarian Foundation is a bit of the infamous song: (a tad on the blue side...kids should leave the room)
I'm an Asshole - (You're the Taint) F. Sinatra - N. Riddle
(medium swing)
I'm an asshole, you're the taint
I'm so useful, you're so ain't
Without me the world would suck
Nowhere to shit from 'n' one less thing to fuck!
( extended trombone solo)
You're a bit of useless skin
nuthin out and nuthin in
From you I get no sensation
You're the bridge 'n' I'm the destination
(trombone section soli)
Let's agree to disagree
You can't crap and you can't pee
Can't get laid, it's plain to see
All in all, I'd rather be me!!
(segue to Sammy Davis: "I Gotta be Me")
26 comments:
Hot diggity Dog!
Thanks for saving me from another minute and a half of work, Blobby. This song is proof that you have not trod this vale of tears in vain! May you enemies be forced to dwell in satcoth and asses!
I meant your enemies.. Where is my spellcheck bitch when I need him?!
Sorry, Mr. Bear... I was in the bathroom cleaning myself up (again). If you would just leave me alone for more than a minute or two, I could do properly what you actually pay me for, and this sort of thing wouldn't happen. How many times must I repeat this?
What can I say? I yam what I yam!
Blob -
No sensation in your taint? I pity you, my brother.
check out this bit of taint humor:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tjq8KsGrlL4&feature=related
[the fun starts around the 2:50 mark]
Troy H.
"Go bury a hachet up your ass"!!!
That's effin gold, my friend, effin, fuckin' gold!! Blobbie, I knew ya had it in ya!! Even though yer buddy Troy makes a damn' good point, an' I find it kinda rich, you givin' him shit about hardly ever writin'... fuckin' pot callin' the fuckin' kettle fuckin' black, know what I'm sayin'? Fuck!! Anyways, yer back, T H is back, all's missin' now is that saucy little number Underworldprincess, an' yer back in bidness (as Dubbya, speakin' of assholes, used to say...)! An' by the way, the song ain't too shabby either! Keep it up, as the actress said to the Bishop!!
An' ta think all it took was a solid kick in the arse with a hob-nailed boot...... an' there's lots more where that one came from, if ya start playin' the lazy fuckin' who-gives-a-shit sloth again anytime soon!! I mean it!! It'll be fer yer own good though... you know it, an' I know it!! Yer welcome!!
Also btw, ya can tell yer gay-boy girl-friend Tobias not to get his fuckin' hopes up... I do all my "singin'" with sopranos an' them other ones just a bit lower down, thank you very much...... as they say in Gay Old England, damn' quiffy poofter!! Fuck!!!
Anyways ya big fuckin' loser, yer back where ya belong! See ya!
Bobby my friend,
I've told you time and again; you don't have to work blue!!
Now, I've been in the comedy game since you were sucking malt liquor from your mama's tit and I've seen 'em come and go. I have a certain amount of respect for you and in fact, it was you who gave me my nickname a while back, this link should jog your memory: http://slapper58.blogspot.com/2007/05/testing-waters.html
Anyways, clean up your act and maybe you'll get a sitcom....you're not getting any younger you know and that nest egg you're sitting on looks like it belongs to an anorexic hummingbird (where's my goddam rimshot??!!??)
Be good and best of luck.....I mean that!
SSCCHHMMUUCKKK!!!! What; yer on the Road to fuckin' Damascus, an' ya suddenly seen The Light, or somethin', asshole (or would ya prefer a**h**e, Pansey???)??? What are ya all of a sudden, one of those fucked-up, self-loathin' Jews for Jesus?? (well anyways, the self-loathin' part I can understand...) Ya post a song like that, an' I'M the one that "don't have to work blue"??? Get outta here!!! What's a coupla damn' f-bombs compared to yer latest post... which I ain't sayin' I din't enjoy, btw... it's just like they sez, I guess; once a PUTZ, always a putz!!!
Be good an' fuck off; I mean that!!! Sitcom my ass, Blobeleh!!!
Dear Mr. Blob
As a long-time admirer of your songs, I wanted to tell you that you've inspired me to try my hand at this very difficult oeuvre, or genre, as we say in English.
Oh, I know that nothing I might write could come even close to, say, "Autumn in Dusseldorf", for instance... a very gem, if I may say so...
Anyway, I've managed to write the first few lines of a song that (I hope!) will express the discovery of, and the almost inexpressible joy of the sweet, wide-eyed innocence of First Love... please tell me what you think!
"False teeth on the dashboard,
Hot leather 'gainst my skin...
Oh, Lord, it feels so good,
Sure must be a sin...
Summer rides are oh such fun,
If ya got good company...
I said false teeth on the dashboard,
And her gums all over me!!"
Well there it is, such as it is... it's still pretty rough, of course... but any criticism or advice from a "dab hand" such as yourself would be very much appreciated!! Thank you for your time!
Cole,
The song in one important way is like your toothless girlfriend: they both suck. Get a day job and then don't quit it!!
Don't you think you're being a little hard on Cole, Blob?
A little hard on Waylon Jennings or Willy Nelson perhaps but not on Cole Porter.
Whoever this obviously talented individual was, he simply chose the wrong alias, thereby bringing out the remorseless badass in me (there's a remorseless badass in each and every 1 of us!).
Wonderful work yet again, Blobby. You're sure doing the Dark One proud (and no, he doesn't like to be referred to as taint) either...no matter how much it might sometimes apply. I am actually sending you this note from downstairs telling you that your readership has gotten so angry and so violent and so crass that you will soon make the Big Man's list of staff writers he needs to send out the occasional zinger (even the Allevil gets tired sometimes!) so keep up the good work and your complimentary starter kits will soon be on their way up! (s&h from Hell not included)
love and 100 lashes!
Underworld Princess
from the offices of the PoD.
Jebus, Blob! Cut young Mr. Porter some slack... are you saying that your best efforts spring forth from your fevered brain fully formed, with no rewrites? Who do you think you are, god-damned AMADEUS MOZART????? Holy Dinah!!! As we used to say back in the 60's, AS IF!!!!!
COME ON!!!!!!!
I know FOR A FACT* that Alfred, Lord Tennyson's famous Nocturne, you know, the one that begins,
The splendour falls on castle walls
And snowy summits old in story:
The long night shakes across the lakes,
And the wild cataract leaps in glory.
in it's original version, went like this:
The funny man sat on the wall
Playing with his willy;
With such a long shake, his trouser snake
Was getting rather chilly.
This is how true artists work, my angry, less-than-generous friend... it's a long, slow process... how sad that I'm having to explain this to the composer of the delightful
"Spit-valve Song...(!!!)
One more example: Percy Bysshe Shelley's Adonais, an Elegy for his friend, John Keats.
I weep for Adonais - he is dead!
Oh, weep for Adonais! though our tears
Thaw not the frost that binds so dear a
head!
Shelley's first draft paints a slightly less tragic, much more prosaic scene:
Weep no more for Adonais - he was a
Stinking poof
And the bugger owed me a fiver and
Stinking croaked before he paid me back.
You see how great art comes into being, Blobber?? It's called HARD WORK, my sorry friend.......it seems to me that you might want to give young Cole a second chance... it's the right thing to do... be a mensch....(!!)
You're welcome!! BTW, do you happen to know if Underworld Princess is seeing anyone these days? Just asking....... ol' Mikexxxster
* The Monty Python Book of Golden Verse
Here, here Blobby! I mean after all, if it took Shelley and Tennyson so long to come up with such prose, imagine how long it took Mikexxster to come up with those crappy versions! Have a little heart!
Bravo on the poésie, lads! Whatever keeps you perverts off the streets and in your dark cubby-holes by your computers is fine by me!
OMG! You have to get the shake-weight as your next sponsor:
https://video.permint.com/320wide-DYNAMIC.swf?mediaid=597
dude...
I second that motion... oh and the suggestion too.
Any one home?
To whomever can help me,
I think my dog is gay. This was a hard conclusion for me to draw as I have always believed gay to be a choice, or something you could catch from too much exposure. But since my dog is mentally unable to make this choice, and I have been diligent in keeping him isolated from that aspect of society, there is no way he could have caught the gay. He shows no interest in female dogs, but is constantly trying to hump the males whenever we go out to the dog park for a romp. I am at a loss, what can I do?
AM
Cote-St-Luc
Get him some gay dog porn. There's actually some really good shit out there... or so I hear.
Hey Blobby,
Thanks for the kickin' cake last night! Will you marry me?
Hey Blob Slackoff................. ah, wtf, never mind........
Have you considered the possibility that, maybe, just maybe, it's time to turn out the lights? You had a good run, we had a few laughs........
whatEverrrrrr.......................... as they say, thanks for the mammaries, Blobber..........
"The party's over,
It's time to call it a day.........."
What......... do I have to actually slash my effin' wrists to get a response from you, you effin' lazy mufumpin' sumbitch???? Effin' bloodthirsty sadist!!! What's wrong with you???
Unless you've been taken up in The Rapture (ha ha!! A Jew taken up in The Rapture!!! Like THAT'S ever gonna happen!!!), or you're bakin' another effin' damned cheesecake to try to impress the ladies... (as if!!!)
Free advice, Blobbie... get back to what you do best... cheesey photoshoppin', an' low-brow sexual innuendo (with gusts up to extreme bad taste)... you're welcome!!!
Or is the effin' party really over? Blobber!! We hardly knew ya....... (!!)
If the Blob has indeed ceased to exist, shouldn't there at least be some sort of announcement? Otherwise I'll keep checking, each time some small part of me dies inside...
I know how you feel, Anonymous, I know just how you feel... I've been dealing with abandonment issues my whole life, of course; yet still, after all these years, somehow it always feels like it's MY fault... and you know what? It IS my fault!!! Blob has left us because I am not worthy of him..........
Blob!!! I swear; I'll do better next time... I can, I just know I can!!! Won't you give me just one more chance, Blob?? I can change... I can be a better person, I really can!!!!! Please???? PLEASE?!?!?!?!? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so sorry, everybody... so, so sorry................ why, oh why does everyone I care about leave me?................. maybe the view from the top of the Jacques Cartier Bridge will make me feel better............................................so, so sorry..............
Post a Comment