Finally!!

Jonathan Deere writes:

Dear Blob,

I am a frustrated prairie boy from Winnipeg. I have discovered, from playing hours and hours of Wii, that I am a kick-arse Skier. The problem is that the only ski hill in the area is an old trash pile that has been grassed over. I think they have done a poor job, cause I can't seem to ski worth a gopher's dingle down that thing. I have aspirations of fame, money and many beautiful ladies knocking down my door. I am at a loss, please help me figure out this dilemma.

Bravo Jonathan, if that really is your name and you're not one of my stupid, alter ego posting friends (and by "stupid" I mean excellent). It's been a while since anyone has taken my mission statement seriously. It's there, on the masthead, for all to see and yet it's taken you Jonathan, a fine young man from our nations mosquito capital, to bring us back to The Blob's raison d'etre.
Before I get to the advice part of my response I have some business to attend to:
Apparently gopher dingles are a dime a dozen out there, or so you say. I happen to know a Chinese herbalist who will pay you most handsomely for as many as you can get your hands on. He tells me that back home in the Orient they refer to them as "prairie viagra" and the slogan is "ground Gopher Penis powder.....the new ground Tiger Penis powder!!!
He guarantees that the dessicated gopher dick will "make you lady happy all night!"

OK...skiing in Winnipeg. The short answer is that you should do what most Manitobans end up doing; move to Alberta. Failing that I'd stick with the Wii-ski, but come winter buy a huge LCD TV and open a few windows while you're playing. Thanks again for the question. Now get out there and start harvesting those gopher dingles­!

Blob Update - The 1st Fifty Years

This is my blog and I choose to write about matters that are important and/or of interest which is why I rarely if ever use myself as the main subject of a post. This weekend however I must stray from that policy because the countdown has begun to my 50th birthday, now only 3 days away.
A party will be held in honor of the occasion and for Blobophiles worldwide this will be a veritable gathering of the clan. For starters, the event will be held at the home of Party Bear, his long suffering wife Mama C., and their adorable minx of a daughter, Maria Callous. Add Dixx to the mixx, the prolific BoneMikester (!!!!!) and you've got yourself a party, but get this.....straight from his parent's basement, Troy Huber will be there too, and all the way from Calgary, my GF, the one and only Beneficent Beaver, has already arrived early for what we here at The Blob like to refer to as a "fault-finding mission".
On this occasion and this occasion only I'd like to resort to that journalistic trick shot; the interview with myself...

Blob: 50 years old....wow. There are many who knew you as a teenager who'd never have bet that you'd have made it this far, let alone procreate (and 3 times, noch besser!). How are you feeling as the big day approaches?
Blobele: To be honest up until a couple of weeks ago I was feeling great! Young, vigorous, I really felt the same as I did when I was 20 only with significantly less money.
Blob: Are you saying you're not feeling well now?
Blobele: Well, I was just getting to that. One of the great joys about being a freelancer is the that the "free" refers to the vast amount of time you have to spend with your kids. Time that a regular 9 to 5 type of guy could only dream of. Unfortunately my kids go to school and also have friends that they do stuff with on the weekends so I rarely see them except when they need lifts. I've taken to playing pick-up hockey at the local indoor rink and with this increase in robust, physical activity I've also had an increase in robust, physical injuries....a wrist here, a groin, knee, or ankle there.
Blob: So that's why 50 isn't all that you'd hoped it would be??
Blobele: You like interrupting people don't you? As I was saying....
Blob: sorry....
Blobele: As I was saying!! I've got all these minor twinges and now my GF Phyllis shows up after she's done a few weeks of hard labor putting up fences on her acreage. She's in even worse shape than I am so between the two of us; disabled, rickety, and pain ridden as we are, there are maybe two pages of the Joy Of Sex that we can get through, and one of those is just about talking about sex. The moreBlob: So there are just some positions, in fact most positions, that are too uncomfortable?
Blobele: What the hell did I just say??!!?? Christ you're annoying! If you'd just shut the fuck up and listen for half a second you wouldn't have to ask all these stupid questions.
Blob: Whaddya mean "stupid"? You're stupid for thinking that anyone, even your entertainment starved readers, would care what you have to say about your friggin' birthday. Look outside...see all those people walking aroung out there? They all have birthdays every single year and so do all their friends (ed. note: leap years not incl.). Nobody really gives a shit about your birthday. So their having a party...BIG DEAL!! Why don't you just get back to writing your funny little poems and your hackneyed observations. Maybe it's time for another movie satire. Hey here's an idea; make fun of the new James Bond flick! Just of the top of my head...ummm.... "Quantum of Scoliosis", Quantum of Shoelace", "Quantum of Sol's Ass"...
Blobele: fuck you

Monk See - Monk Duel

True story: Back in 1971 my folks took my brother and me to Israel. One of our stops brought us to one of Christendom's most sacred sites, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. The place is a claustrophobe's nightmare, reeking of antiquity, the dank stones and crumbling masonry of the entryway were less than inviting, so we decided to stay outside as my parents grabbed a tour guide and disappeared through the narrow doorway.

Ornately clad holy men and heavily armed militia patrolled the area (how Isrealish is that??!!??) as my bro and I looked covetously at the lone chair and then back again at each other. He broke first and I made a mad dash immediately...I grabbed a shoulder, he elbowed my face, within seconds we were a tangled mass of pre-pubescent flesh rolling and flailing away, supposedly on the very ground where Jesus was buried and resurrected!!

A Greek Orthodox monk seperated us just as our horrified parents emerged from the church

Little did we realize that our tussle was merely one in a series that has continued sporadically for centuries and indeed, to this very day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snpeMkBip6U

Check out the beautifully executed "falling crucifix" full body slam, (12 seconds) the signature move of Father Anasthasious "the Meathook" Christopoulos and then watch as he more than lives up to his nickname at 30 seconds with a vicious left to the chin of Father Hadar "the Springform Pan" Tarkmanian.

A little research reveals that in order to achieve peace, an arrangement called "the status quo" was reached in 1852 that split church duties, privileges, and designated areas, between the various denominations. True to the human spirit and especially where questions of religion are involved, this solved nothing. Check out this wikipedia quote: "Establishment of the status quo did not halt the violence, which continues to break out every so often even in modern times. On a hot summer day in 2002, the Coptic monk who is stationed on the roof to express Coptic claims to the Ethiopian territory there moved his chair from its agreed spot into the shade. This was interpreted as a hostile move by the Ethiopians, and eleven were hospitalized after the resulting fracas."

Indeed, the place is in bad need of renovations but since all groups must agree almost nothing gets done. A ladder placed above the entrance in the 1800's remains there to this day (I swear!!)

No one denomination controls the entrance way but in 1192, Saladin, in his infinite wisdom assigned responsibility to two nearby Muslim families...twice each day, a Joudeh family member brings the key to the door, which is locked and unlocked by a Nusseibeh. Problem solved!!

This next video is also very special and no....it's not hi-lites from PyroCon-2006, the annual convention that brings together pyrotechnicians, fire safety experts, arsonists, and pyromaniacs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys8hNr7BZ70 It's actually footage of Christianity's longest running miracle, that of the "Holy Fire": a flame that spontaneously combusts (yet will not burn human flesh) and that does so on the day before Orthodox Easter every year, or at least as so documented since 1106.

Watch as the devout pass their hands through the flames (pulling them away just before they get singed, as fate would have it) and don't let yourself be fooled by tales of white phosphorous. It's readily available in the area and magicians knew of it's ability to ignite when combined with air even back in biblical times. Adding a solvent can delay the reaction by up to half an hour but still...it's a miracle!! Let's not rain on anyone's parade.

As this video attests, the Church of the Holy Sepulchre is a place where, even at the best of times, emotions run high and the suspension of rational thought is an obligation. Hopes of a peaceful rapprochement appeared slim after yesterday's uproar but UFC (ultimate fighting championship) president Dana White has waded into the fray and may have come up with a solution. If all sides can agree then the various disputes can be settled with sanctioned cage matches and all Pay Per View profits will be distributed evenly. White said that he will even spring for the cage.
"The region has a long history of hand to hand combat" said the former Vegas bellhop with a wistful lilt to his voice, "Maybe UFC is finally the way towards peace in the Holy land!"

Ahhhh...That's Better

The Americans got it right for a change and throngs of jubilant people worldwide are relieved and optimistic that this time the 500 pound gorilla in the room is going to shape up, brush his teeth, and stop taking dumps where ever he feels like.

US citizens, almost despite themselves, have re-opened to the world with a bold and in a sense, subversive gesture. They've voted in a brilliant man who is also black and by doing so have signalled a progressive spirit that augurs well for the rest of us.

Today the half of me that's American is filled with pride and feeling a dizzying and giddy sense of optimism. The half of me that's Canadian could really use a coffee as he sits here typing and nursing some nagging hockey injuries.

In the long run this may not make too much of a difference as far as the economy and foreign relations go but there is one thing that the Obama victory forever changes.

Last night at 11p.m. when Barack Obama was heralded as the president elect, 2 centuries of white guilt were flushed out to sea never to return and oh what a glorious feeling it is!!!!

All across the continent, in exclusive country clubs and at private soirées, white revelers partied into the wee hours of the morning, unburdened by the painful shackles of guilt. Sumner Carrington of Lexington, KY. summed up the overall sentiment: "We couldn't be happier and more relieved. Now, of course, I had nothing to do with the race problems of the past...my great-grandfather may have been involved in the slave trade but that's just something we Carringtons have had to live with. Now we're free...free at last in fact and it truly is a cause for celebration!! Let's just hope the Blacks (that's what they want to be called now...am I right??) can just live and let live, leave us be, and stop asking for handouts. It's a terrific time to be an American!!"
And so it is now up to Obama the consensus builder to bridge the divides in office as he did during his campaign. People of all ages, all 5 genders, and all colours voted in large numbers for him and his renewed vision of America. Indeed 67% of Hispanics sided with the Democrats, as did a whopping 96% percent of African-Americans (I'd love to know who those other 4 guys were who went with McCain!!).
In closing and in that spirit here is a small tribute to diversity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fd-MVU4vtU
followed by a celebratory dance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSJHVmpfojA&feature=related
that features a trombone heavy soundtrack, and a gorgeous, barely clad 18 year old, blonde.....HEY....where'd everybody go???

And Awaaaay We Go

Twenty one months of campaigning and today it's all over but for the votin' and the countin'. The smell of history is in the air. It's wafted north of the border, escaped into the jetstream and can be detected in far flung corners of the globe. It's that heady mix of excitement, hope, and fear which is exactly what you smell when you're walking around Manhattan (similar to but not quite the same as a combination of subway fumes, roasting chestnuts, and hobo urine).

When the United States has an important election as this, with its singularly engaging cast of characters, then the rest of the world has little choice but to get all wrapped up in the anticipation and dread. At least we don't have to stand in line outside a highschool in Kansas for 6 hours.

Today is the day when all the undecided voters have to come up with the goods and face the grim spectre of having nobody at all care about them for at least the next four years.

2 candidates with diametrically opposed views on vital issues, dozens of debates and press interviews, hundreds of think pieces, thousands of hours of TV punditry and still....this motley assortment of lamebrains and pompous, attention seeking, douchebags can't make up their minds on a choice that is virtually black and white.

Today is also the day when the Walmart Moms will weigh in and possibly decide the fate of the free world. The press has recently dicovered this important voting block which I heard described as lower class, under-educated, women who shop a lot at Walmart. Only in America can a group of fat, stupid women who have no problem with wearing stretch terrycloth shorts in public wield such clout. This is obviously why Palin/McCain have yet to throw in the towel.

I'd put a link to a Walmart Woman article or two but I know how that scares off many of my ADD afflicted readers. Admittedly, lots more words with no pictures is a terrifying prospect!!

That being said I simply must post the following link to a short but enlightnening audio clip (no reading required!!) Now back to toasting myself in front of the warm , historical glow of my TV.

http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=96329339&m=96329321