After many months of patient posting I've finally succeeded in the blogger's equivalent of coaxing a chipmunk out of his hole in the ground through the strategic and daily placement of sunflower seeds. Not only has Euphoniumist and artist Mike Wilson bought a computer but now he's deigned to contribute a lengthy and wonderfully composed comment. The Blob may never be the same. Here is the entire comment verbatim:
Blob's Fall From Grace
Blob (I cannot in good conscience write dear Blob) I blame myself for our drifting apart over the years, no question. My international success on the wedding and sweet-sixteen circuit, and my recordings ( I see that you know about that) have kept me busy-- but I never forgot my little Blobbie!!! I knew that you'd started writing. I thought to myself, how wonderful! Maybe he'll be another Sholom Aleichem or perhaps write like that nice Herman Wouk (such sweet stories --that Marjorie Morningstar..........now SHE would be a catch!!!). Then the rumours began. You were writing on the internets (never a good sign), being cynical; sometimes sarcastic, using questionable, even bad words. I didn't believe it! I couldn't believe it!! Not my Blobbie!!! And now, I find that it's all true. How sharper than a serpent's tooth.........By the rivers of Blobylon I sat down and wept.........HOW ART THOU FALLEN FROM HEAVEN, O BLOBELE, SON OF THE MORNING?!?!?! When you were little, during Euphoniach, I would dandle you on my knee and you would look up at me with those big, innocent eyes and say, Uncle Machele, please(you were always such a polite boy!) play your euphonium again! Play A Blessing on your Head, Mazel Tov;or Sunrise, Sunset if you were sleepy( what young boy doesn't get sleepy?). Little Blobbie!!! You can be like that again!! The Torah teaches us that the Boosey & Hawkes Sovereign combined with a Canadian Brass Gene Watts model B mouthpiece is akin to the voice of God. Next Euphoniach,(or sooner; yes, sooner would be better) take a euphonium player to lunch-- a good lunch, in a good restaurant -- something that schmecks!! But no breakfast-joints! I've heard what goes on in those hell-holes!! These euphonium players are good men, (not like those worldly baritone players--those guys are so cheesey you could make a sandwich!) treat them with honour and respect. It's a long road back, but it's a place to start. I pray it's not too late; but from what these eyes have just seen, I fear the worst. And stay away from shiksas!!! Before you know it, you'll be eating bacon--- if not much, much worse. Don't even ask!!! Your (formerly loving) Uncle Machel
My Response
Mike, allow me to say (and I do so without an ounce of sarcasm) that your arrival marks a literary high point, a verbal gentrification of what had become a slum-like morass of immaturity and baseness. Your knowledge of and comfort with Judaica is astounding (ed. note: Mike is about as WASPy as one can get...at 1st glance) and the way you toss around Yiddishisms and cultural allusions is most impressive to a lapsed Jew such as myself. As far as shiksas, bacon, and much,much,worse go it is, unfortunately, way too late for me. It's been many years since I observed Euphoniach but I still remember fondly being dandled on your knee as a young lad. I've succesfully repressed the less savoury details of that story for decades now!
I never claimed to be an angel and what with my readership clamouring for filth, maintaining even a modicum of good taste is all that I can do. Keep writing in....light the way for others....listen, it couldn't hurt.
5 comments:
Dear Blob,
I feel somewhat aprehensious writing to you after the mighty pen of Mike Wilson has made its mark. I am a first time inquirer, but have been following the progression of this noble page for some 6 months now. My question\dilema is this. I live in the greater Toronto area where Temperatures are soring into the mid 30's! The government has asked all residents to set their AC no lower than 26 in order to conserve power. I am sweating my tits off. Any advice?
Boobless Barbra
Hey Mr. Wilson! Nice prose! I can't believe you have this hidden past as an old Jewish Uncle. Man, who knew? Bob should have been so lucky as to have a relative like you! (how was that syntax, okay?)
Barbara, whoever you are, I feel for you honey! My husband and I drove all the way to Lake Saint Peter, Ontario (check your handy Backwoods Map) in that very heat you speak of and we just about expired because our air-conditioning decided not to work. What can you expect from a 10-year-old rust bucket, I guess. The only positive side-effect was that our wise dog Abraham (named for the original Old Jewish Uncle) was so hot all he could do was pant and occasionally pass out in a stupor, so we weren't subjected to his (usually constant) car-whine. That was a blessing, anyways. And here's another one: somehow or other I managed to keep my tits!! Cheers!
Hey Vivvy,
Mike sort of freaked me out with his spot-on dialect and you did pretty well yourself young lady. Speaking of "usually constant car-whine" how did your husband handle the heat? And lastly, in reference to the last blessing you spoke of in post #2, thanks for the update. We're all relieved and grateful...I take it you used the frozen peas.
Dear Blob, I have to say that recently I had a similar dilemma to Ms. Barbra's. I was deadly afraid that my tits would one day bounce right off my chest after any slight cardiovascular exercise (ok, some are exceptions ;) ) But then an old, wise, bachelor told me of the vital importance of wearing what they call a sports bra. Though for some cardiovascular exercise this product may be counter productive ( ;) ) I feel that I simply must share this piece of information with your readers who might be feeling the same fears as I. And I will note here that I couldn't have done it without my kind-hearted friend! Thank Blob for pervy bachelors!
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