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Thursday, April 17, 2008

There's Gold in Them There Hills


....and it's black gold too but not the Texas Tea variety spoken of in the Beverly Hillbillies title song. I'm talkin' Montreal Silt and if you hear me out you'll be smacking your forehead and asking yourself "why didn't I think of that??" any minute now.

After a near record breaking winter, Montreal is still riddled with massive piles of snow and ice that cling tenaciously to our lawns and parking areas despite the recent spate of good weather. These are not the pristine, fluffy, alabaster heaps of January but rather the gray and dingy afterbirth, the quasi-corpse of a once healthy season waiting to be put out of its misery by the April sun. As the hills melt and shrink the gray turns to black as the crust of sediment condenses and this is where I come in!!

Listen up: Salt is used to reduce inflammation and leech out toxins from the body, carbon has well known curative properties, and any good exfoliant will have it's fair share of silicates. Throw in a few trace elements (and animal byproducts), add a bit of spring water, package it all handsomely et voila......a facial mud treatment for the home that can rival any available at even the finest spa!! Road salt, sand, and sludge that endure weeks of the freeze thaw cycle and a healthy dose of solar radiation are magically transformed into a top of the line health and beauty product!!

(warning: may cause tuberculosis....will probably cause typhus. Women whose breasts start to enlarge should immediately call a doctor, or me. Not for use on badgers or other members of the mustelidae family. May contain car and/or truck. If a persistent, burning rash appears on the area of application don't be alarmed...the product is working! Should not come in contact with the mucous membranes...ironically though, it may contain mucous......probably hobo mucous)

Tomorrow is set aside for harvesting the precious silt. I'll set out early with various spatulas and skimming tools and a van stocked with empty pails waiting to be filled to the brim. Once home I'll start loading the miracle mud into designer containers and while this product should market itself I'll still be looking for a spokesmodel just to be on the safe side. To date I've only had one application......if any of you out there are interested don't be shy...give me a shout.

While I may be the very 1st to market the stuff, a few locals have known about it for years....ever wonder why the women of St. Hyacinthe look so good???? And rumor has it that Celine Dion had a fresh vat of it flown to Vegas every week to share with her staff and give facials to the homeless (bless her heart).

Use Neige Noir der Montreal because let's face it...you could use a little help.

16 comments:

Maria Callous said...

e.g.: As the hills melt and shrink the gray turns to black as the crust of sediment condenses and this is where I come in!!

should read: As the hills melt and shrink, the gray turns to black as the crust of sediment condenses... and this is where I come in!!

I'll try and find one in every future post in order to help you change your naughty ways.

slapper58 said...

Before this becomes open season on correcting my writing I'd like to make one thing perfectly clear. My young muse Maria C. mentioned to me, over breakfast, that I was punctuationally challenged. She (and only she)was granted special Blob dispensation and the comment above is the direct result. Let's hope that she doesn't abuse this privilege and besides, her drunken, foul-mouthed, rants are way more entertaining!!

Maria Callous said...

You bet your fucking ass they are!!

Anonymous said...

I hate to get involved in a tussle in which I have no
business, but certainly Ms. Callous meant to italicize
the word "ass" - not the word "fucking", in her last
comment, no? [unless she knows something about
Bob that I do not]

Troy Huber

Syracuse NY

Maria Callous said...

That's so funny that you mentioned that Pubert, because just after I wrote that, I thought, I should have italicized ass and emboldened fucking. But I supposed you would know a thing or two about what to do with the ass and the fucking, wouldn't you?

Anonymous said...

Pubert comes from the Addams family. But we all can't be original.

What I know about the ass and fucking has nothing to do with the fact that you criticize Bob's writing skills,
yet are surprisingly cranky when someone does the
same to yours.

Still, your case interests me. I just might try you on.

Troy Huber

Winnipegosis, Manitoba

Maria Callous said...

I'm always cranky, actually. I didn't go to a private catholic school and not learn a thing or two about punctuation. And of course I know where Pubert comes from. What can I say? You remind me of a moustachioed infant. If you don't want to invite the comparison, you shouldn't act like such a whiny little bitch.

Anonymous said...

Puerility is a hobby of mine, but there really wasn't
anything infantile about my first comment tonight.
You just don't like being criticized.

[By the way - were your parents pompous hypocrites, or did it skip a generation?]

Troy Huber

Lady's Mouth, Ontario

slapper58 said...

True story Maria....because of a bullying problem, Troy's parents tried to send him to a private Catholic girls school as well (it was actually a test case but they lost on appeal).
Now then.....children, children!! Please stop this unseemly bickering.
Geez Troy, one Intro to Psych course and you think you're Sigmund "fucking" Freud.
And Maria..... I can tell you're hot for young Troy and here's the good news: He's back on the market after being dumped 2 weeks ago by his imaginary girlfriend!!
(word of warning to Troy....there's nothing imaginary about Maria C. If anything she's a little too real....even regular guys are intimidated by her!!)
The bottom line is that I gave her dispensation even though I still refuse to correct the mistakes of others (as per Blob policy). This way I get to ride magnanimously above the fray while the tussling masses look shrill and petty by comparison. We all come out winners!!!
Maria....here's twenty bucks, take Troy out for a smoothie (you know you want to).
And Troy.....you can do this. Just pretend she's made of latex.

babbling beaver said...

I've been to Winnipegosis, Manitoba many times, and I KNOW for a fact that Troy Huber has NEVER been there. I also know there is an all points bulletin out . If he is spotted within a 50 mile radius of Winnipegosis he is to be immediately apprehended and incarcerated. The lucky bounty person will recieve five skinned and treated beaver pelts and free gas for one year.
(little known fact : the hamlet of Winnipegosis was named thus in 1913 following a mysterious generalized inflammation of the endocrine system affecting thousands of residents of the better known city of Winnipeg. Fearing a widespread outbreak of the poorly understood disease, those afflicted were shipped off to the satellite colony. They were not allowed to leave the town limits ( who would want to !!!) for many years to come.

Mama C said...

Whoa, things are heating up on the Blob, I see! Everyone take a chill-pill and stop getting your undies in a knot.

BTW, Maria, a word from an experienced grammar-critic: it doesn't pay! Permission or no permission, you end up looking like Miss Brown, kindergarden teacher. Then Troy Huber starts getting cheeky, etc, etc.

Oh, and btw, Maria, shouldn't it read, "It's so funny that you mentioned that comma Pubert comma..."? Couldn't resist...

slapper58 said...

BRAVO Mama C. and again; BRAVO!!!
Thank God you're back in town, and not a moment too soon. Those kids were gettin' a might uppity!

Maria Callous said...

I never said I know anything about punctuation, I just said that Blob doesn't. So there!

Btw, (shameless self-promotion, I know) but my semi-recital is this friday at 2:30 in Tanna Schulich hall at McGill. You should all come to hear me!

... And I'll be wearing a cleavagey dress, if that helps.

ps. Unfortunately, this invitation doesn't extend to Troy's lady mouth (but then, what does???). Only pompous hypocrites allowed.

slapper58 said...

What the hell is a semi-recital. I hate the word semi in front of anything except finals (and then only if the Canadiens are involved). You'll be wearing something cleavagey you say?? Color me surprised.
p.s. I know you're hot for troy....see you and the folks at breakfast.

Maria Callous said...

It's my semi-recital, as opposed to my final recital which will take place next year. Sheesh.

Go habs go.

Anonymous said...

Maria,

I'm sorry about that "pompous hypocrite" thing,
I'm very defensive, I was beaten and teased as
a child. Also as an adolescent and as an adult.

Will you be singing Kurt Weill's Der Abschiedsbrief
at your recital? That's a killer, killer tune.

Anyway.

T. Huber

Rome, NY