....and Nothing but the Spoof

After a successful transition I'm ready once again to make contact with the outside world. We'll soon be heading off to the weekly Millarville Farmer's Market with it's heavy Mennonite (Prairie Hassid) representation. If we get there early enough we may even get our hands on some world famous Mennonite green onions....you've no doubt already heard the catchy slogan; "Until you've tried a Mennonite Green Onion, you don't know from green onions!!"

Anyways, being separated from the rest of humanity has it's good points but posting on this crude and archaic computer hook-up is a true challenge ("Pedal faster honey, we're losin' the connection!!") Nevertheless, I've managed to keep abreast of world events and here's something that's caught my eye in the wake of the whole Obama/Blitt/New Yorker cover brouhaha.

Radovan Karadzic, the former 1st president of Republika Srpska has been caught after 13 years in hiding. While a fugitive he worked at a private clinic in Belgrade under the alias Dr. Dragan David Dabić. In 2007 he lived in Vienna under the name Petar Glumac posing as the Croatian seller of herbal solutions and ointments and is now fighting extradition on the charges of war crimes and the unlicensed selling of ointments, both punishable by death.

The upcoming trial will be a difficult affair for world court prosecutors. Karadzic is crafty and well informed. Aware of the New Yorker controversy he has chosen a novel defence and will claim that he was merely satirizing Slobodan Milosevic, himself a war criminal and ex-president of Yugoslavia. "What...you don't get it!!??!! It was satire I tell you!!" he exclaimed to the press minions as he was being escorted to a holding cell. Now comes word that holocaust denier Ernst Zundel will be using the satire defence to win Canadian repatriation so here on the home front I've decided to get in on the fun and have been satirizing the loathsome behaviour of your typical lazy, patriarchal, boor (oh, how I hate them!!). For four days running I haven't lifted a finger and have done much bellowing of orders from the comfort of a large sofa. My behaviour is so over the top that Phyllis, a clever woman, is surely in on the joke even as she stoops to pick up my haphazardly strewn underwear or prepare me another meal (more bacon you bitch!! LOL).

Phyllis is out back near the tool shed cleaning up a mess I made earlier (oops!! LOL)...looks like she's sharpening the pick axe and talking to herself. Maybe I'll have her split some logs for a romantic fire this evening. I'm so glad she understands satire!!

Alberta Bound (and Gagged)

For Blobophiles the summer is always a double edged sword*. The early days are a bonanza marked by my lack of gigs and the consequential bounty of posts. Then comes August and my annual pilgrimage to Alberta where I have access to the internet through an archaic dial-up connection. This coupled with the fact that I'll be spending a lot of time catering to the varied whims of my girlfriend means sporadic posting at best.
Of course this is all very exciting for yours truly as expressed by Blob mascot Slimy (the dog vomit slime mold) but after months spent building my readership I can't help but feel a tad remorseful.


Taking a cue from Larry King who is often absent from his own CNN show, I invited Troy Huber to guest host The Blob and had him send in a test post as a kind of audition. He decided to do a send up of the Katy Perry hit song "I Kissed a Girl", (recently skewered on these very pages) and sent along this:

Thanks Troy but I'm sorry, I don't think this is going to work out. Besides, with all the camping you do (outside theatres prior to summer blockbuster releases) they'll be precious little time left for you to devote to The Blob. I'll just have to do what I can from afar.

Farewell and, in my absence, if any of you want to do a complete renovation of my home......just a thought. If you do though, feel free to help yourself to any of the condiments in my fridge (mi catsup es su catsup....sorry).

*Double edged sword: As I wrote that metaphor it occured to me that it didn't make any sense in that the definition; something that can be good on the one hand but bad on the other, didn't seem to apply to a sword that could do harm with either edge.

Of course, this being the internet age, the answer was only a click away and others had voiced similar concerns. The answer lies in the fact that there is a rare second layer of meaning. The double edged sword "cuts both ways" and with that I was satisified and went on about my day.

Maria Callous says:

How is it that we've been spending so much time on T & A (and politics, for some reason), that we've forgotten completely about E!! I hate to be the one to bring this up, but there's a significant lack of Euph(onium) around here.

True enough, with all the goings on I've neglected the euphonium and low brass in general....the very element that has made The Blob such a hit in Bavaria and the stupider parts of Great Britain.

As luck would have it I've got an in with controversial illustrator Barry Blitt who sent me a rejected New Yorker cover that was seen as way to incendiary by editor in chief David Remnick: "The low brass lobby is very powerful and not very subtle when displeased, frankly I was terrified of the consequences of going with this image so we agreed that a Bin Laden/burning flag substitution would be less problematic."

Here's the rejected cover Maria...happy??

Blitt's Krieg

Walk by any newsstand today and you'll see the latest edition of the NewYorker with it's controversial cover art by friend and Blob contributor (under numerous aliases), Barry Blitt.

This is my blog, I don't have to pull any punches soooo...anybody with half a brain can look at the drawing and see that Blitt is satirizing the ridiculous, insidious attacks on the Obama's that have been ongoing for months. It's over the top and funny (to me at least).

These images and rumors have made it to mainstream media so we're not talking about the blatantly racist lunatic fringe that would show Obama with a noose around his neck or as a monkey...old, disgusting, images that are even too vile for FOX News. Instead we've gotten insinuations based on nothing: His name, carefully enunciated on right wing talk radio is Barack Hussein Obama (they love the Hussein part!!) so he's a Muslim, the fist bump with his wife was a terrorist gesture, she used the word "whitey", he doesn't always wear a flag lapel pin (where does his allegiance really lie??), he wore a traditional African costume in 2006 (SEE....he is Muslim!!). Blitt puts it all there on the cover and is now in the center of a raging shit storm recieving hundreds if not thousands of hate emails and the occasional threat. Just google blitt-obama or some variation on that theme and see for yourselves. It's fascinating and disturbing to see the very wide spectrum of (mostly negative) opinion and amazing to see all the ink this is getting in the States at a time when there are about 10 issues of vital importance that should be getting a lot more scrutiny than this drawing.

I think Americans love this shit because it gives them a chance to divert their thoughts and actions away from the painful truth.

For Barry Blitt the shit is hitting the fan today. For the rest of the nation, content to quibble over meaningless minutiae, that day is not far off.

Oh yeah.....I'm thinking of setting up a series of safe houses for him and his family and call on all Blobophiles to chip in. He cleans up after himself and can be sociable with the proper medication.

Curiouser and curiouser

The title of this post (borrowed from Alice in Wonderland) refers in this case to this video entitled "I Kissed a Girl", a current smash hit by somebody named Katy Perry. I'm afraid that poor Alice, for all her fictional mis-adventures, would be hard pressed to navigate through the strange, real world that young girls and boys inhabit today.

While the song and accompanying video are clearly a blatant attempt at titillation, boundary pushing, and cashing in on the whole faux-lesbian chic craze, the affair leaves a bad taste in my mouth (GOD you guys are so immature...you know what I mean!!).

I'm of two minds on this issue but first let's take a look at some of the lyrics:



Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent


I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it


The party pooper in me is getting all bent out of shape by the poor grammar and ridiculous message, telling young girls that changing sexual identity can be a fleeting kick, like trying on a new pair of shoes or a nifty strap-on. It also helps if this behaviour is alcohol fueled (your "out" position) and at a party or club (major league attention!!).

The typical guy in me (with apologies to author and Analrapist Tobias Funke) can't believe that women have fallen for this once again. It's clear that men have financed and encouraged this song and are overjoyed that our fantasies are becoming acceptable and commonplace. If girls continue to believe that it's OK to get naked and/or make out with each other in public then who are we to complain. This is some kind of golden age...perhaps it's best to just sit back and ogle, to blithely enjoy the spectacle as civilization implodes. And talk about product placement......Cherry Chapstick sales have gone through the roof!! Company execs are tickled pink and are already cashing in.

Remember guys; Mum's the word!!

The Yellow Menace

Quebecers finally get their yellow margarine


MONTREAL -- Quebec is about to become a little less distinct. Le Soleil reports that the provincial cabinet has quietly killed a longstanding regulation that prohibited margarine manufacturers from colouring their product a buttery yellow.
The province had been the last front in Canada's margarine wars, which pitted a protectionist dairy industry against canola farmers and multi-national margarine manufacturers. For margarine consumers here, it has meant starting their mornings with an unappealing white spread -- think lard on toast.
Ontario repealed similar restrictions in 1995, but Quebec had stubbornly resisted. In 2005, margarine manufacturer Unilever Canada Inc. lost a Supreme Court challenge of Quebec's ban. Unilever had argued in part that prohibiting yellow margarine infringed on its "commercial freedom of expression." etc.etc.

With the stroke of a pen the 100 year old, sometimes acrimonious, always ridiculous battle between the Quebec Dairy lobby and the rest of the world has come to an end....or has it??
For ages we've heard the arguments: Consumers will be confused by yellow margarine and buy it when they in fact meant to buy butter, thereby reducing dairy sales which would have a devastating socio-economic ripple effect throughout the province.


Today, finally, some of our elected representatives are trusting that we, the fat buying population of Quebec, aren't total cretins and will be able to tell the difference. I feel like I did on that wonderful day when my parents first gave me the car keys and let me go (minutes before I scraped against the illogically placed mailbox).

I've already zipped off my idea for a new ad campaign, a twist on the famous "butter scene" from Bertolucci's Last Tango in Paris (watch it here if you must)http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=yNjF8otfUQs
and I'm hoping to hear from my pals in the margarine biz real soon.

Unfortunately this is Quebec and while I remember having to grow up in a world where, for a time, my dingy white spread came with a little packet of yellow food dye that we were supposed to mix in (I still recall my Mom sitting me down to explain the dye after I asked her about it and the sting when she told me the truth about how we were different) there are many other people with even better memories. For these people who want Quebec to be a seperate country, allowing our margarine to look like the margarine in the rest of Canada is yet another step towards cultural annihilation, greasing the skids and making a slippery slope that much more slippery.
Tomorrow, in the national assembly, some opportunistic, podium pounding, politician will rise and make an impassioned plea for a return to grey oleo. Don't ask where today's patriots are...they're right here in Quebec making sure we don't mistakenly put margarine on our "beignes Juif" (Literally "Jewish donuts" * the official translation, courtesy of the Office de la Langue Francaise, of bagels)

*Ed. Note - The O.L.F. suggested that translation during a more radical phase of it's existence. It has since softened it's stand and now accepts the more reasonable but still quite silly "baguel".

Helping Kids Cope

This is another post in The Blob Scholastic Outreach series that has been so popular with adults and kids alike.

Children today have great difficulty (perhaps moreso than at any time in history) negotiating the treacherous minefield that is their parent's lives. Not only are divorce rates skyhigh but alternative sexual lifestyles are becoming almost normalized, at least here in the West.

A sensitive child may be well aware, on some level, that there are problems in the home but only has remedial understanding of what are often complex issues. More certain still is the fact that that he/she doesn't yet possess the coping strategies and that's where the Scholastic Outreach series hopes to be of help. We've already dealt with bedwetting and homosexuality so let's move on.

Just yesterday, as you'll see in this link, a "man" now named Thomas Beatie gave birth to a cute little baby girl. He'd been a woman who had a sex change operation and kept the womb but.....just watch the video:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/2247089/Pregnant-man-Thomas-Beatie-leaves-hospital-after-birth.html

Transgenderism is today accepted as a fact of life, just another stop along the continuum that is human sexuality, but how to explain this to our children. Prolific author David Jerome (you may know him from the Turd Stuffington adventure books) has penned an insightful, gentle, an truthful recounting of one family's journey from mom, dad, and child to sort of mom, dad, and child after Theresa (the mom in question) had gender re-assignment surgery to become a male.

It's compelling reading and treats a difficult subject with a sensitivity that will be most beneficial for those of all ages.

Whether you're dealing with the transgender issue or not this is a fascinating story and will make a worthwhile addition to your home library.

Gneiss Cock!!

Granite slab with image of Jesus to be donated to church
12:00 AM CDT on Saturday, June 28, 2008
By DAN X. McGRAW / The Dallas Morning News

John Ganster has watched cars creep, crawl and park in front of his East Dallas stone company as their occupants try to catch a glimpse of a granite slab stained with what some think is an image of Jesus.
"Some customers and people have just wanted to take a look for themselves," said Mr. Ganster, a co-owner of Verona Marble Company.

At first, no one at the company noticed the image, Mr. Ganster said. Then a customer called and asked about buying the "Jesus slab," a 1,000-pound hunk of granite that comes from Brazil.
"We said, 'What are you talking about?' " he said. "We went to see for ourselves."
The stone had been in the company's Tulsa, Okla., store. It was moved to the Dallas office in December, after builders in the Tulsa area kept passing on it because of cosmetic imperfections.
"That's kind of ironic," Mr. Ganster said. "Christ said that he would build his church on the stone that the builders rejected."
The company hopes to donate the stone to a Catholic church in Oklahoma. The church could then use it as a fundraiser or as part of a building.
"This came to us for a reason," Mr. Ganster said. "I don't know why, but it did."

For a video look at this fascinating story that is more about the power of suggestion than anything else have a gander at this:

http://www.dallasnews.com/video/index.html?nvid=258565

These images are always Rohrschach inkblot tests but on a larger, more public scale. People make of them what they will and religious figures are often at the top of the list. When I look at the section of granite which I have reprinted, cropped from the original larger slab, but otherwise competely untouched (I swear!!) I can just make out a Jesus -like figure or maybe Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes, perhaps it's a medieval knight clad in chainmail or a British judge in wig and robe.

Whatever the case, all these images have one thing in common; look back up top....there....right in the middle...that thing that looks like a huge dick. Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't it seem almost impossible to miss?? I mean, it's right there, clearly delineated and even appears to have balls. And it's not just a penis but an erect one...rock hard (sorry) and, contrary to those who believed that Jesus had a liberal bent, it's quite clear that he leaned to the right.

If you want to be mean you'll tell me that you see no such thing, that I'm phallicly obsessed and should seek counseling but I'd spot such a cruel prank a mile away. Anyways, If it is Jesus it looks like even he has decided to cash in on the whole internet porn thing. Look for church attendance to rise in the next little while. Jesus: prophet....perhaps, son of God....who knows, marketing genius....definitely!!

There's a Thirsty Sucker Born Every Minute

I've long been suspicious of bottled water. As a kid I remember the exotic, salty Vichy Celestin and the ubiquitous, fizzy Perrier. I liked neither and never understood what all the fuss was about. Not too long a go all hell broke loose and, well....read this article and then we'll talk:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/06/29/AR2008062901872.html?hpid=topnews

Sure, at certain times the convenience factor can be a major selling point and bottled water has been a real life saver in some of those places I've visited that have a tainted and dangerous supply: Mexico, certain areas of South America, my Aunt Miriam's etc.

Dasani, or filtered tap water, is bad enough but how about BlingH2O mentioned in the article. Have a look at their website and then we'll talk some more: http://www.blingh2o.com/

The good news is that this wasteful and moronic tide may be turning. The green movement is having it's say and people are finally starting to pay attention. The recent U.S Mayors meeting saw a motion passed that would seek to put the genie back in the plastic bottle and ban all municipal use of this product. Here at The Blob though, money talks, and I'd be hard pressed to turn down another sponsor. As such I've accepted an offer from a company who's ad campaign, and consequently their water, is the most palatable. Remember; I am not a hypocrite, I'm a human being!! (who could use the money)

Opportunity Knocks (up)

Gloucester Girls Gone Wild


The latest what's-the-matter-with-kids-today story comes from Gloucester, Mass., and it's a jaw-dropper. According to Time, a group of 15-and 16-year-old girls at Gloucester High School made a "pregnancy pact" -- an agreement that they would all get pregnant and then raise their kids together.
Later reports have cast doubt on whether the girls actually made a spoken pact, but what is indisputable is that Gloucester has itself a little teen mommy explosion, with at least one of the baby mamas choosing a 24-year-old homeless guy as her co-parent.





No doubt this is a titillating story and sure enough the Gloucester chamber of commerce wasted little time trying to cash in and lure some badly needed tourist dollars to a depressed local economy ("Why go all the way to Thailand??").

Here at The Blob we look for the story behind the story and have uncovered an interesting tidbit in the process. Apparently the homeless population in Gloucester has doubled in little more than a week! Said one of the migrant vagrants identified only as Murph: "Sure Chicago was great but when I read about the pregnant chicks out here I decided it was time for a move...basically it was a quality of life issue."

This, of course, got me thinking. More than a roof over their heads or a full belly, these homeless men need love but have a hard time finding it. Surely Gloucester can't be the only place where comely coeds are looking to get impregnated by hobos!! "Eureka" I exclaimed and shared with Murph my idea for an on-line dating service that caters to those whom society has forgotten (the homeless, the mentally ill, most Blobophiles etc.)

Welcome to BlobLife.Com!! Here's Murph's profile...feel free to sign up and send in your own!!











SWM with own shopping cart looking for woman who enjoys the outdoors. Please, no Serbians.

Setting the Record Straight

Maria Callous said...
"What a fag."

This recent quote from the comment section was in reference to my most prolific contributor; Mikexxster. While The Blob is an open forum for free thinkers and the immature I cannot stand idly by and let a friend be slandered even if it is my young and foul-mouthed muse, Maria Callous, who's doling out the calumny.

Before I come to his defense there is a general priciple that I should address....entrenchment.

As we grow older, we, or at least those of us who are so inclined, try to hone our lives; eliminating the dross, turning redundancy into efficiency, identifying and living according to our core values etc.

If we get too deeply into this process before we have found a husband or wife then our prospects diminish significantly. Firstly our stock as a breeder becomes devalued because we've aged but second and most importantly we've become so entrenched in our ways that finding a partner who's just the right fit is almost impossible.

As an example let's take ummm...I don't know....OK, let's take Mikexxster. He's every inch the heterosexual male as his next lady friend will no doubt find out but as each and every year passes, he becomes more and more particular. He has honed and refined his life down to a razor's edge and at this point there may actually be no room for anyone else save for a one in ten million long shot. Still, every 17 years or so Mikexxster, like the cicada (see photo), metamorphoses and seeks a mate.

It's those in between times when he isn't pursuing the opposite sex that give rise to comments such as Maria's.

Living the life of a confirmed bachelor is one thing and his uncanny imitation of the barely closeted Tobias Funke(from TV's Arrested Development) is another but his acting career and in particular his choice of roles is probably the cause of most of the confusion. "Mike of Arabia" was a mistake to be sure but what is one to make of this yet to be released opus.

Take my advice Mikexxster and get yourself a new agent...I'll take a 7% cut off the top and half of all bobble head profits.

First Cyd Charisse now This!!

Moonless In Montreal

Giant moon illusion expected in tonight's sky

June 18, 2008 5:00 PM
PORTSMOUTH — If the moon looks especially huge tonight, fear not: It’s all in your mind.
According to the Web site of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, the full moon will hang low on the horizon and look unusually large this Wednesday night. Though it may appear to be huge, it’s actually an optical illusion.

....and so, spurred on by a snippet of news I went looking for the moon only to return home disappointed. Maybe it was hiding behind a cloud or a hill, who knows, but I was finally moved today to try to answer the question; "why does the moon sometimes look gigantic when it's close to the horizon?" To my great surprise the official answer is; "Nobody really knows." It's not atmospheric refraction nor is it the wonderfully named Ponzo Illusion best illustrated by an actual picture (it's a real photo, I swear on the life of my favorite kid) of me lying on a train track in St. Emilion, France (don't ask!). I cut and pasted my image further down the track......which one is bigger??? Wrong!! They're both exactly the same.

Anyways, everyone who's wrestled with this puzzle, from the ancient Sumerians to Da Vinci and now me agree that it's our faulty perception, and nothing else, that is the root cause.

If our brains are convincing us that an illusion is reality then that opens up a whole can of worms that maybe we shouldn't be dealing with. This has got me all off balance. I guess I'm just going to keep repeating "seeing is believing" and enjoy the simple life......professional wrestling is fake though, right??

Peace in Our Time

What better Father's Day present than the news that I post today, for the eons old battle of the sexes is over and women and men everywhere can relax and accept reality!!

When Hugh Hefner (pictured at left with two of his three comely wives....if you've seen their reality TV show then you'll know that they share Hef and a single brain)

helped kickstart the sexual revolution in the early 60's, he couldn't have imagined that monogamy would be so bruised and battered by the turn of the next century.

Yet here we are in 2008 and marriage is our most embattled social institution. Within it's confines men and women have been going at it tooth and nail (and lawyer) in a perpetual power struggle where men put up with being told they're not good enough in exchange for sex and women pick up dirty underwear in exchange for babies.

Now comes the following interview with Griffin Hansbury, a self decribed, post-feminist, female to male, trans-sexual who relates her/his experience in such a way as to end the debate. After listening you will have no choice but to admit that the very nature of men and women is just that....nature. All the social conditioning and religious repression in the world haven't and won't change this very fact. The audio segment in question occurs at 15:15 of the show. Allow it to load for a minute or so and then slide the cursor to the aforementioned time...Happy Father's Day!!!

http://audio.thisamericanlife.org/player/CPRadio_player.php?podcast=http://www.thisamericanlife.org/xmlfeeds/220.xml&proxyloc=http://audio.thisamericanlife.org/player/customproxy.php

Ute 'R' Us

Ute 'R' Us is what I'd call my base of operation if I were a gynecologist, but I'm not, so someone else can have the name. I've been thinking about this because in a little more than a week my girlfriend will be going under the knife for some relatively minor surgery on her woman parts.

As a sensitive partner I'll be making the trip out west to be by her side......not during the operation or painful convalescence but three weeks later when she is all better and the area in question could use some intensive conditioning and physiotherapy.

As always, surgery, (including surgery "down there") presents certain risks but also certain opportunities. Now let me just say at the outset that my GF has excellent muscle tone, you don't win Kegel Queen at the Millarville County Fair 6 years running without it!! Still though, with a stitch here and a stitch there a skilled surgeon can work wonders and with that in mind I mailed off a crisp new 20 dollar bill to her Ob-gyn, Dr. Ersek, with a little note that said simply: "Surprise me!!"

As a general primer on the subject you may want to take a look at this educational clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c39sirXOad4

and then revisit this must see video for further insight: http://oxygen.feedroom.com/?fr_chl=1e2039ffe65a8155cf73b19ad333d4a7b2457076

Super Hero Fever (yes, we need another hero)

It's just about summer and once again Hollywood is trotting out the super hero themed blockbusters. We've already had Ironman and The Hulk and there will certainly be others coming down the chute.
The film trailer above is from a movie I saw on TV as a child. I don't remember it much except that the Mexican super hero, Santo, was called upon to battle vampire women who were led by a mysterious immortal with the worst case of eczema ever!!
I saw another Santo film earlier this year while working in Colombia and there, in my hotel room, I had a revelation and at once understood the whole super hero phenomenon. (Santo=Saint...hello-ooo!!)
Think about it...worldwide we spend billions of dollars a year on these fictional characters and it's basically the same story being told over and over again. Good vs. evil, the world in peril or just plain folk victimized by the greedy and treacherous saved in the end by a mysterious being, at once of this world yet possessing supernatural powers, knowable and familiar yet unknowable all the same. Did somebody say Jesus?? (the old testament God was too much of a vindictive asshole, sort of a bizarro Jesus, so I can't include him in this analogy.)
It's hardwired in us, this need for justice in the face of a frequently oppressive and grossly unfair existence. Whether at places of worship or in cinemas, in front of a television or a comic book, we seek to have our wrongs redressed even if it's some kind of vicarious catharsis. The fact that we are willing to shell out so much money got me to thinkin'....maybe I can cash in on this too, come up with my own popular super hero and retire in style!!


Here's the back story for volume#1:


Craig Garner's parent's were killed by terrorists on 9-11. He's presently an Ivy League grad student assisting his physics professor, the eccentric but brilliant Dr. Ladislaw Bronislavski, on a top secret pentagon project. After a jargon laden monologue detailing the experiment (treating mice with irradiated mega-hormones and a new drug that causes cells to vibrate at a frequency invisible to the human eye.) Bronislavski exits the lab leaving young Craig to close up. He ends up accidentally falling into a vat of this toxic soup and dies, a victim of drowning and radiation poisoning. He is buried soon after but the chemicals begin to take their effect...his whole body was affected inside and out except for a small area between his buttocks (which were clenched at the time of the fall) that was never touched by the liquid, indeed, in his comatose state the chemicals never worked their way entirely through his digestive tract. He is now alive, larger, stronger, and completely invisible save for his anus!!

You get the picture....bye bye Craig Garner, hello Anus Boy!!!! (OK , OK...so this is my 1st attempt. I think I got the formula right but the central character may need a litle retooling).


On a related topic, I posted a cleavgey picture of the young soprano Maria Callous a couple of days back and within 48 hours my daily readership more than doubled!! (I kid you not) It's sort of disheartening to think that the whole, massive internet industrial complex is being driven by pathetic men world wide, trolling for tits (guilty as charged). With that in mind this final super hero pic is sure to keep my new enlarged fan base from shrinking back to it's pre-Maria size.

Worst Movie Ever!!

Move over "Sex and the City", step to the back of the bus "Love Actually". I've just discovered the worst movie ever made and this includes all of the films created by the legendary Ed Woods.

Imagine a big budget, desert themed flop like "Ishtar" only without the "A list" stars...not Beatty and Hoffman but a wannabe thespian hack and his euphonium (that's right, a euphonium!!).

A down on his luck musician gets stranded in Syria after the cruise ship he was playing on goes bankrupt. One mishap with some self-tanning cream and a few bizarre plot devices later and our hapless hero is leading a revolt against the British occupying forces. The woefully out of place comedic/homo-erotic interlude with a camel boy was supposedly insisted upon by the leading man himself and the catchphrase: "I say lad, will that be one hump or two??" gained some currency among the bath house set.

Now out on DVD, this is not only a movie to avoid, this is a movie to burn, urinate on, and bury.

(Ed. note: On further review it appears that "Sex in the City" is actually far worse than "Mike of Arabia". Our apologies for the earlier inaccuracy.)

Bow WOW!!....A "Blob" Stage Presence Primer

Maria Callous, frequent contributor and Blob muse, has been in negotiations with me for the past several weeks about today's post. Let's go back to the beginning though.

As a music educator it has long occured to me that the youth of today are largely unschooled in the art of the stage bow. They stare awkwardly at the audience, legs splayed, arms adangle, with a timorous body language that displays no small amount of insecurity.
Imagine my surprise then at the end of Maria's vocal recital when she capped a wonderful performance with one of the finest closing bows I've ever seen. Legs together but not clenched, bent deeply at the waist, hands clasped reverently, staring at her shoe tops for a count of three. We, the audience, were treated to a double dose of confidence that afternoon.
I snapped a photo of this moment using her mother's camera but then complications arose. The soprano world is highly competitive and Maria wasn't about to send me the photo and let me post one of her stage secrets....hence the negotiations

Dearest Maria,

Attached is a picture of young Timothy McNulty, aged 9, who hails from Oshawa, (Ontario, Canada). Timothy suffers from spina bifida and as such can't bend at the waist without experiencing severe pain. To make matters worse he has encountered complications and Timmy and his family have been informed that he may only have weeks or even days to live.
This brave little boy you see trying to bow at his school's Easter pageant (where, dressed as a banana, he participated in the "The Fruits of Jesus' Bounty" tableau) is, like you, a big fan of The Blob, and I've been contacted on his behalf by the Make A Wish Foundation. This is where you come in.
Timothy's wish is to make an appearance in The Blob and I have made the editorial decision (as discussed with and agreed upon with the board at the M.A.W. Foundation) to do an educational posting about proper stage bowing technique so that other performing children may benefit. I know that you have in your possession a photograph of an exemplary bow. I know because I took the picture at your semi-recital, snatching the camera from your Mother when I realized that I was in the rare presence of perfect bowing technique.
If you'd be so kind as to email me this picture then I can post it in tandem with young Timothy's before he passes and a dying boy's wish will have come true.
I know that your tough exterior is but a facade and that you are in fact kindhearted and benevolent. Those supposed friends who say that you are a cold-assed bitch are dead wrong. Maybe it's time to put the lie to this assertion once and for all. Send the picture Maria...if not for me than for Timothy McNulty. You'll be glad you did.
thank you sincerely,
The Blob



And so, Maria coughed up the photo early this morning in a wordless email (whose subject was "Re: fuck you") while under the influence of a heart warmed by too much alcohol. I'd like to publicly thank her, for by showing such ample generosity she has made a little boy's wish come true (and that sick kid is probably happy too, I guess).

It's Official: The Blob Endorses Obama!!!

These are golden days for even the casual observer of all things political involving our neighbour to the South. I had endorsed Ms. Clinton at an earlier date because I felt that she was the bigger underdog (trust me...it was a sound argument which I will not rehash here!). With Barack Obama winning the nomination last night it can finally be said that the better man has won and now it's on to the general election. The violently prejudiced sector of the American populace has been strangely silent thus far, perhaps waiting patiently to see whether their energies would need to be expended on sexism or racism and racism it will be....unless of course Hilary gets the nod as vice-presidential candidate in which case it'll be open season on everybody!!

What has pundits and bloggers alike scratching their heads is Hilary's far from magnanimous speech where she barely mentioned the impressive Obama's historical accomplishment (compare this to his effusive praise of her some minutes later in his Minnesota speech) and her somewhat divisive refusal to concede defeat and rally the party together after a long and testy struggle.

If there was any doubt about the equality of the sexes I'd say it's about time we put it to rest. Women can be just as stupid as men and that includes smart women doing inexplicably dumb things and dumb women overextending themselves by trying to be smart. This usually ends up in some sort of tragi-comedic disaster. Clinton's blunder is just the latest but here are a couple of clips to further illustrate my point:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrZQ0gEr4Mc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aN9bqYhNLDs&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L577cWLDH5c&feature=related

The last one with Tyra Banks has an added laugh track (and somehow it works better with the laughs) but the real version, accompanied by silence, was deadly serious and infinitely more awful.

Like men, these women, more often than not, try to redeem their missteps but unlike men they now have their very own awards night courtesy of Oprah Winfrey. This years gala from L.A.'s Dorothy Chandler pavillion was a star-studded affair where all sorts of women were lauded, from untalented flash-in-the-pans to the talented but self-righteous.

That's Some Funny Shit!!

The Blob has inadvertently taken a bit of a scatological turn of late, both on the main page and in the comment section. It wasn't my intention to continue in this vein, rich with lowly comedic ore as it is, but my tracking monitor indicates that hits coming from the former republic of East Germany are way up!! (those Germans sure love their poop jokes!!).
Once again I leave the task to the brilliant Larry David who along with his pal Richard Lewis have formed a latter day and very foul-mouthed TV comedy team to rival even the famed Abbott and Costello. Enjoy the clip and remember guys, unlike women who must always wipe away from the genitalia, we have the God given freedom to wipe in any old direction we please....ahh God, ahhhh freedom!!

(sheisse ist lustig, ja??!!)