As a music educator it has long occured to me that the youth of today are largely unschooled in the art of the stage bow. They stare awkwardly at the audience, legs splayed, arms adangle, with a timorous body language that displays no small amount of insecurity.
Imagine my surprise then at the end of Maria's vocal recital when she capped a wonderful performance with one of the finest closing bows I've ever seen. Legs together but not clenched, bent deeply at the waist, hands clasped reverently, staring at her shoe tops for a count of three. We, the audience, were treated to a double dose of confidence that afternoon.
I snapped a photo of this moment using her mother's camera but then complications arose. The soprano world is highly competitive and Maria wasn't about to send me the photo and let me post one of her stage secrets....hence the negotiations
Dearest Maria,
Attached is a picture of young Timothy McNulty, aged 9, who hails from Oshawa, (Ontario, Canada). Timothy suffers from spina bifida and as such can't bend at the waist without experiencing severe pain. To make matters worse he has encountered complications and Timmy and his family have been informed that he may only have weeks or even days to live.
This brave little boy you see trying to bow at his school's Easter pageant (where, dressed as a banana, he participated in the "The Fruits of Jesus' Bounty" tableau) is, like you, a big fan of The Blob, and I've been contacted on his behalf by the Make A Wish Foundation. This is where you come in.
Timothy's wish is to make an appearance in The Blob and I have made the editorial decision (as discussed with and agreed upon with the board at the M.A.W. Foundation) to do an educational posting about proper stage bowing technique so that other performing children may benefit. I know that you have in your possession a photograph of an exemplary bow. I know because I took the picture at your semi-recital, snatching the camera from your Mother when I realized that I was in the rare presence of perfect bowing technique.
If you'd be so kind as to email me this picture then I can post it in tandem with young Timothy's before he passes and a dying boy's wish will have come true.
I know that your tough exterior is but a facade and that you are in fact kindhearted and benevolent. Those supposed friends who say that you are a cold-assed bitch are dead wrong. Maybe it's time to put the lie to this assertion once and for all. Send the picture Maria...if not for me than for Timothy McNulty. You'll be glad you did.
thank you sincerely,
The Blob
And so, Maria coughed up the photo early this morning in a wordless email (whose subject was "Re: fuck you") while under the influence of a heart warmed by too much alcohol. I'd like to publicly thank her, for by showing such ample generosity she has made a little boy's wish come true (and that sick kid is probably happy too, I guess).
9 comments:
Ugh.
I bet Maria would look great in that kids banana suit, maybe he could leave it to her in his will. Couldn't hurt to ask right? I can picture it now....Madame Bananafly? Madame Fruitfly? The possibilities are endless, plus there must be a niche market for that kind of thing on the internets.
Dixxx
I like it, Blobbie! Sexy, but not too sexy, if you know what I mean!!
And you must be the leader of this internet-based banana-loving niche, Dixxx. Shall I call you Mr. President? Or Mr. Yellowerton? Personally, I like Mr. Banana. But I have a pretty high standard for the people I give that nickname to. Needless to say, I have to be able to walk by you without losing my footing to anything slippery.
I'm afraid that I can't, in good conscience, agree with Mr. Bonemikester, Blobber (although, something tells me that if ever he and I were to meet, I'd like "the cut of his jib", if you will permit a little salty seaman talk!! Mr. Bonemikester!! All hands to the poop deck!!! Look lively, me hearty!!! Ha! Ha! He sounds like a man's man to me!!!).
But seriously, Blob, this Maria Callous needs to be more concerned about "concealing her thunder", if you take my meaning. Sensitive, yet masculine, manly men such as myself most certainly do not go to voice recitals to ogle female flesh; there's a time and a place for that sort of thing..........although when and where that might be is a mystery to me (Ha! Ha! Just kidding!! ((not really!!!)))! I'm sure this Ms. Callous sings beautifully, and is a fine representative of her sex, but too much of that sort of "eye candy" gives even the strongest, most virile man a tummy-ache!! Trust me; I know!!!!
Yer ol' pal, Tobias
You've a most deliciously scandelous "blog" "on the boil", Blob (may I call you Blobbie, old chap?)! Most amusing!!! We had nothing quite like it back in the '10s and '20s, I assure you!! Marie Lloyd (of Music Hall fame) was wonderful in her own way, of course, but lacked the "bite" and the "zing", or perhaps, as you Moderns might say, the "pep", of your most excellent "Blob"!!
The recent fine "post" by Mr. Tobias Funke (is he, by any chance, a bit, shall we say, "quiffy"? Just asking, of course!! More for the rest of us, eh what?!?! Just so!!! Ha! Ha!) brings to mind quite a jolly jape that had us "rolling in the sand" at the oasis!!!
Here it is...... (I hope that there are no Ladies "listening in"!) here we go, then....... Why DO they call the camel "the Ship of the Desert"................??? Because it's filled with Arab semen!!!!!!!!! Ha! Ha! Quite so!!! Jolly good, eh chaps?? What?? Oh! I say!!!
Your newly appointed correspondent for The Levant, Laurence (Call me Larry!!)
Great to have you on board Larry especially after such a dizzying onslaught of comments from the usual cast of characters. New blood is always appreciated! By way of introduction,
Maria Callous is a difficult yet fetching opera singer with a thing for older and/or gay men.
Peter O'Toole played you in the film. He has quite a phallic name as do the next two posters;Dixxx and Bonemikester, two trombonists who like you, may very well be gay.
No sense denying it Larry...here's what one reliable source had to say:
Writers working to elucidate the history of same-sex erotic relationships identify a strong homoerotic element in Lawrence's life.
My source also says that though you're a giant of history you stand no more than 5 foot, 5 inches. That's kinda cute...Larry, you really put the imp in imperialism!
My source tells me that you actually spell your name with a W (Lawrence) rather than an AU(Laurence)...you're not an impostor are you???
Thank you for the "comeuppance", dearest Blobbie! I deserved that, what? What fine sleuthing!! Top hole! We could have used the likes of you in BMI back in '17, what with that spot of trouble in Damascus!!!! Top hole!! Well challenged!! But there's a simple explanation, really!
I may have lingered a little too long over the port and cigars last night......after all (man-to-man, Blobbie?); why this great, mad rush to join the ladies after dinner, eh? It puts one off ones feed, don't you find, old chap? Far better the comradely, manly give-and-take of the Brotherhood, eh, Blob?
Good for Dixxx and Bonemikester!! I myself try to be gay as often as possible!! It is the only antidote to this "Vale of Tears" in which we all find ourselves !!!
Finally, dear chap, you allude to my short stature (and the less-than-manliness thereby implied).....no offence taken!! As a very good and charming friend of mine likes to say, it's not the size of the weapon that counts, it's the fury of the onslaught!! Ha! Ha! Just so!!! I assure you, my dearest Blobbie! If we ever "cross swords", as it were, I'll have you breathing heavily in the twinkling of an eye!!!
Manly best wishes, Larry
Larry (Lawrence),
I have no doubt that you are quite the swordsman, a veritable gay blade as it were, but I think I'll reserve my parry and thrust for the fairer sex. Perhaps you'll think this less than manly of me but that's just something I'll have to live with.
yours,
Blobele
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