THE EDITORS OF THE BLOB WISH TO INFORM YOU OF A TEMPORARY SERVICE INTERRUPTION. FOR REASONS UNKNOWN IT HAS BECOME IMPOSSIBLE TO DOWNLOAD AND PRESENT PICTURES FROM THE MAIN COMPUTER.

OUTSOURCING, WHILE AN OPTION , THROUGH THE USE OF MY PARENT`S COMPUTER HAS PROVEN DIFFICULT WHAT WITH THE CONSTANT INTERRUPTIONS; (BOBBY CAN YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS AND REACH THIS PITCHER FOR ME....WILL YOU GO BUY SOME MILK IF YOU HAVE A MINUTE....ARE YOU ALMOST FINISHED, I WANT TO PLAY FREECELL ETC.) A TEAM OF EXPERTS HAS BEEN CONTACTED AND WILL ENDEAVOUR TO RECTIFY THE SITUATION WITH THE SHORTEST POSSIBLE DELAY. THESE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES...YOUR OVERWHELMING OUTPOURING OF CONCERN, THE LETTERS FROM LITTLE CHILDREN, AND EVEN THE GIFT OF THAT STRANGE SMELLING BOX OF CHINESE BEAR PENIS POWDER (TAKE IN MORNING-MAKE LADY HAPPY ALL NIGHT!!) HAS BEEN MOST APPRECIATED.
THANK YOU

Posts from the Edge

Here I am back at my parent's house stationed in front of their computer. Familiar sights and smells abound...a favorite sofa, whimsical knick-knacks, time worn carpets imbued with faint hints of long dead pets and a thousand casseroles. It's all strangely comforting and yet I feel untethered....my own computer is back in the shop after an unfortunate attempt at re-installing Windows XP that included a minor short circuit and an unresolvable Catch 22 type situation. My old room that I shared with my brother is now my parent's office and the computer sits in the exact former location of the bed that some 30 years ago I abandoned in favor of the couch in the den and unfettered late-nite access to the TV.

2 days ago I felt optimistic about getting my comp up and running but after my dismal failure I can't shake the overwhelming feeling of despondency. Sure the days are getting longer and warmer but today is bleak and grey. The rain is helping to melt the snow and leaving behind a winter's worth of thawing, swill- like residue. A stench hangs over the city like a wet elementary school curtain as I sit here, forcing myself to write, trying to fend off the suffocating, fetid darkness. I must find cause for hope....soon the comp technician will call....maybe the news will be good. It's election day here in Quebec. Later I will cast my vote and hold my head high as I participate in that most sacred of democratic privileges and duties. Then there's that coupon for 1$ off on a DQ Blizzard that's burning a hole in my pocket. If oreo/banana can't turn my mood around then nothing will!!

Taking a break from typing I part the faux wood/melamine blinds that had only seconds ago shielded me from the outside world and look up see the sun struggling to pierce the thick layer of stratus. The old lilac tree, still dormant, is now a temporary roost for a handful of wrens who chatter excitedly about surviving another winter and on the nearby sidewalk a gnarled old man horks up a glistening slug of phlegm before he boards the #104 bus for destinations unknown. He is choosing his path and I must do the same....Ah! My cell phone beckons....it must be the repairman with the good news!!

On the Comeback Trail

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, a glimmer of hope, and a newfound reason for optimism. Despite the dearth of recent posts I still haven't lost the ability to pad a sentence with well camouflaged redundancies as evidenced by the first sentence. This was a talent mined in elementary school and polished to a brilliant sheen during high school and university. Indeed, my grade 7 answer "cardboard in general and boxes in particular?" set the tone for much of what was to come later in pop culture including Bart Simpson's famous "corn or as the Indian's call it maize".
As I sit here at my parent's computer in the very room where I, as a youth, learnt about the art of procrastination (more about this later) my own computer is once again at the shop awaiting the installation of a brand new hard drive. Once this is done all I have to do is re-install Windows, transfer old files to the new drive, physically remove the old drive, install my new anti-virus software, await the inevitable flood of error messages, and then break nearby things in anger and frustration.
My loyal readership must be feeling neglected and if it's any consolation I do feel guilty even though, as an uninformed neophyte, my only mistake was not buying a MAC in the 1st place.
As I approach the one year anniversary of The Blob I can take a step back and from this perspective see how I've potentially boxed myself into a corner content-wise by avoiding the traditional "blog as diary" approach in favor of an eclectic blend of just about anything other than my own day to day life. Nothing could be easier for me than to pad out the Blob with mundane personal details on the days where inspiration (an interesting news story, a personal flight of fancy, a reader's contribution, ass jokes etc.) is hard to come by.
I'll leave you with this one thought that may help increase my readership through word of mouth: Currently there are more regular readers of The Blob in Norway than in Canada. This fact alone is shameful enough but add that to their victory over us in the WWII and the 7-1 shellacking they administered to our hockey team at the last winter olympics and a woeful pattern begins to emerge. Get Blobbing Canada...let's show these bloody Vikings that we mean business!!

Photoshop Fun - Contest No.1

*All applicants must be over the age of 18 and have liberal attitudes about nudity, moisture and dentistry. The amount of the cash prize will be determined by "the number of entries" times "the amount of advertising revenue earned by The Blob during the contest period" minus "any and all expenses incurred by The Blob as result of the adjudication process i.e. lunch, bus fare, gum etc."
In lieu of a skill-testing question the contest winner will be required to sit through an entire screening of Jersey Girl starring Ben Affleck.

Another International Women's Day has Come and Gone

In honor of the occasion I had a few of the girls over. We read selections from Eve Ensler's (author of The vagina Monologues) latest and watched The View and then Oprah. I served various salads, a passion fruit wine cooler, triple fudge decadence cheesecake, and later we discussed empowerment, the vagina, Oprah and the empowerment of Oprah's vagina. (you go girl!!).
It occurred to me that Spring Break coincides annually with Intn'l Women's Day and that this fortuitous confluence of events says much about the advances women have made over the decades. Indeed, Spring Break as observed in North America by the youth of today affords young coeds with a unique yearly opportunity to strut their stuff and assert their own sexuality in ways that their predecessors in the women's movement could hardly have dreamed of. This is a cause that is well worth it and one that The Blob has championed since the very inception of the site.
Throughout the month of March young people will be streaming south to the resort citites of Florida, Mexico, and the Caribbean. For many this will be a rite of passage and perhaps the most important step on that tortuous road to adulthood. Here at The Blob, and for a limited time only, I'll be making available a fabulous new product line from Grrrlz Inc. aimed specifically at young women embarking on this voyage. For many this will provide just the self-esteem boost needed to get right into the action:
''FunBaggz'' protective aircushion will take the edge off of a drunken fall from a hotel balcony (caution: max. 3 floors, will not work on fat chicks). This form fitting and discreet undergarment lends just the right touch of added security to a night of raucous binge drinking.
"The SafeKini" is a must have. You've spent hundreds of dollars on the sexiest, skimpiest swimwear only to have it ruined after a week of Spring Break festivities. The SafeKini is resistant to oil, jello, dessert toppings, vomit,and most puddings and it's velcro fastening system will help maintain the integrity of the fabric during even the most spirited bout of substance wrestling. You'll be a big hit with the guys in a Safekini!!!
"L'il T's" pre-moistened T shirt (pictured below) is another indispensable item that just screams Girl Power. This is not your Mother's wet T shirt!!
So there you have it....our public service outreach program to 19-23 year old coeds continues. Remember, here at The Blob.... we care!

The Greatest Marimba Orchestra Ever!

Contributor Tim H. sent along this little tidbit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rapKdd6aUI that harkens back to a time and place where people made real music for the sheer joy of it all. Strangely, all the keyboard instruments are backwards (maybe this was a gimmick) but they are played musically and with accuracy nonetheless. At 1 minute and 15 seconds check out one of the most heroic solos ever as the bass player overcomes some sort of horrific seizure and cranks out the notes. (and while your at it check out the babe with the great maracas!!) This is one musical journey well worth taking!

Crisis Mode

Every blogger I know has the same fear, a feeling of dread in the pit of the stomach, a sense of doom and helplessness should the unthinkable, the unmentionable ever occur. This past week I've been dealing with the very Hell hinted at above....the "spate of work"!!! Actual work, hard work where they pay you for doing stuff. Difficult, time consuming work that keeps me from Blobbing; my one true yet non-paying passion.
I've warned you readers in the past that one day this could happen here at The Blob but never really expected that it would come to pass. Lo and behold it's Spring break during my week with the kids, I'm involved in concerts that require tons of personal practice, there are instrument rentals with their respective deliveries and pick-ups, family matters and other logistical concerns.....all merged into a kind of perfect storm of personal responsibilities and The Blob had to take a back seat. I apologize but until each of my 5 regular readers pony up a solid 15 to 20 thousand that's just the way it's gonna have to be for the next little while.
In the meantime here's a little Spring break story, a 100% true story that happened just yesterday. Benjamin, my 14 year old is a clever, strapping young lad given to monosyllabicism and Nintendo. He had no plans for the break but my ex-wife MC found this teen activity program at the local YMCA that sounded cool. Day 1: pizza making at Domino's followed by a movie. Day2: winter sports....what could be bad. We approached him with this option and even though he had no friends that would be enrolling and it was completely outside his comfort zone he agreed with very little hesitation. I was quite proud of him to say the least. I dropped him off early yesterday morning and picked him up at 4. "How was your day?" I asked. "OK, not great" he replied...."They gave us this tiny ball of dough and we just put a bit of sauce and cheese on it...that was all I had for lunch. The movie was pretty good (Wild Hogs) and there were only 4 other kids there.....I didn't know any of them from school." Later on he told the same thing to his Mother only to have the phone grabbed away by Lara, my daughter, who told her "the rest of the story"! The 4 kids there: 1 hyperactive with Tourette's Syndrome, 1 blind kid with retardation and 2 with Down's syndrome. Benjamin had spent his day in a group activity for the mentally challenged or disabled. In MC's defence there was no way of knowing that the organizers had planned for this to be a mixed group. They didn't tell her when she signed the boy up nor was there any real advertising that indicated the true nature of the project. He was OK and knows that it was a good eye opener and learning experience, not to mention a good story to tell about his well-intentioned but unfortunate Mom. She told him that if he felt out of place there at least he knows how those kids feel every day and that his presence there probably made them happy. He felt that they really didn't notice he was there and were more concerned with, as he put it " staying on the sidewalk". Here's hoping you have a better Spring break.

Another Problem Solved

Hello, my name is Turhan Mirak and I'm the founder and CEO of The SockBin and co-owner of Sockworks and Gilbert's Fine Hosiery for Men. In Istanbul we say "a man would no sooner have a hump than a camel to wear socks" Occasionally though, a man would develop a hump on his back and, using a kind of reverse logic borne of desperation and poor schooling, try to cure himself by actually putting socks on his camel. This usually resulted in his premature death but that's besides the point. The important thing to take away from all this is that socks, coming as they do, between a man and his shoe or the earth have always been a revered part of the wardrobe in my native country of Turkey. Indeed, a drawer stocked to the brim with well maintained socks is an important symbol of status and, after the mole count, one of the first things that a prospective bride will check upon meeting a possible husband.
When I first moved to Canada 8 years ago I was dismayed and puzzled by the lack of respect payed to the sock and made it my mission to elevate the image of this special article of footwear.
At first using aroma therapy strategies in our outlets proved a dismal failure but we quickly rebounded with a techno/rave campaign that brought in the younger, hipper crowd that retailers crave. We went to bolder colors and borrowed designs from some of the most popular tattoo choices of the 15-30 crowd. Indeed our "Tatz" line is now our biggest seller.
We began advertising on The Blob and saw our sales jump by 17% in 2 months. We've seen steady increases ever since. Here is a recent comment from a Blob reader that I found most interesting:
"....who ever thought to play hard driving techno music in the stores must have been a genius. There is nothing like choosing a pair of socks with a slammin groove to nod your head to. It's like saying "Yeah, Yeah, these are awesome socks!" The only problem is when you get home to put them on they don't seem so awesome anymore. What can I do to prolong my socks buying experience?
A perceptive client with a legitimate complaint....I immediately called a meeting and 5 hours later Ecstasox were born. Imagine that you're a 20 year old at a rave. It's 3 in the morning, you've been dancing since 11, and you've met this really hot chick that you'd like to get with. All the bathrooms are packed so you decided to bring her back home but by that time your drugs have worn off and, in the words of our comment writer; "she doesn't seem that awesome anymore." Another hit of ecstasy......problem solved!
All we did was to borrow from this typical experience and incorporate it into our sock manufacturing process. Each Ecstasox unit is impregnated with minute amounts of an ecstasy-type designer drug that is easily absorbed through the skin of a well groomed and moisturized foot. 10 complete wash cycles later and you'll still be experiencing that lighter-than-air feeling you had when you 1st purchased them. When the effect starts to wear off a simple shot of EcstaPep Refreshener Mist and.....problem solved!
In closing I'd like you all to pay a visit to your local SockBin retail outlet. I guarantee you'll have a good time and buy a great sock. Who knows.......you may even find it...... habit forming?

Element of Style

Perennial Mendy (see archives, Dec 15th) winner and no stranger to the red carpet, Ytterbium made quite a splash at last night's Oscar gala as newcomer Jennifer Hudson's escort. Clad in a smashing burgundy bow tie from Versace's couture collection the Hollywood heavyweight (and occasional paperweight) was clearly glowing with pride after Hudson's victory was announced. Hudson, who has been dating the same man for 7 years, was quick to deny any romantic involvement with element #70: "My boyfriend had to stay back home because of work so I called Tterb who's been a good friend of mine since high school. I just couldn't face tonight alone and he's always been real supportive. I leaned on him a lot this evening, he's been a total rock."

Later at the Vanity Fair after party Ytterbium has these cautionary words for Jennifer: "After I won my first Mendy it really went to my head...I kind of let myself go, staying out late, trying to alloy myself with the wrong elements, eventually I got completely oxidized and had to spend three months in a very large flask of a mild acidic solution.

Jenn is young and has a tendency to put on lots of weight very quickly. You've all heard her sing, it's no mystery that her biggest influence is Aretha Franklin...I just hope she doesn't start overeating like Aretha...have you seen that woman?!! Check out her latest album...what a shocker!"

And so, another Oscar night came and went. Jennifer Hudson and the rest of the winners joyously clutched their statuettes while the other revellers were left to wonder if perhaps next year it would be their turn.

Oscar Thoughts a la Blob- Not Just Another Pissing Contest

What can I say about an Oscar night where Al Gore gets the biggest laugh? Ellen Degeneres was wry with gusts to droll and will never be invited back, likeable though she is. The daytime schtick just doesn't cut it.
Martin Scorcese and The Departed cleaned up even though it wasn't really the best film out there. The academy members, feeling remiss for having slighted the great director in the past, all joined in to create their own equvalent of the biggest pity f**k since I lost my virginity some years ago. He's still my favorite director but I'd have preferred if he won for Goodfellas.
The true stroke of genius this evening was canning the annual dance number and hiring Pilobolus in its stead to do several 10 second shilouetted masterpieces of motion.
Fashion wise there were the usual hits and misses. Among the latter were J Lo who looked like an upscale sofa and Naomi Watts (in bright yellow with a black belt) who looked like a bumble bee.
Cate Blanchett was stunning and made the case for being gaunt while Oscar winner Helen Mirren was simply breathtaking. I can only hope my tits look that good when I'm 61!!

The Art of the Nap

By LINDSEY TANNER, AP Medical Writer Mon Feb 12, 4:25 PM ET
CHICAGO - Office nappers now have the perfect excuse: New research shows that a little midday snooze seems to reduce the risk of fatal heart problems, especially among men.

The news from the world of science just keeps getting better and better. 1st a study comes out that shows male sweat to have aphrodisiac qualities and now this. Napping and sweating are two of the things that I excel at and if, in the near future, they prove that eating too much pizza prevents cancer then I'll have hit the trifecta!

This all harkens back to a study published about half a decade ago that concluded that fidgeting helped burn a significant number of calories over the course of a year, and I quote:

Some brains may be wired to encourage fidgeting and other restless behaviors according to new research published by The American Physiological Society. This line of research suggests that frequent minor unconscious movements such as fidgeting and other behaviors associated with restlessness burn calories and help control weight. The study "Elevated hypothalamic orexin signaling, sensitivity to orexin A and spontaneous physical activity in obesity resistant rats," appears in the March 2002 edition of the American Journal of Physiology-Regulatory, Integrative and Comparative Physiology published by The American Physiological Society.

The young man at left, typical of the restless sample group watches between 1 and 2 thousand hours of TV annually but gains 10 pounds less than the more sedentary control group because he fidgets 40% more. The proof is in the pudding and apparently our young man at left has been as well. Were it not for his incessant finger twiddling there would be significantly less room on the rest of the not-too-surprisingly empty sofa.

No sooner had the American Journal of Physiology-Regulatory, Integrative and Comparitive Physiology (better known today as Maxim) hit the newsstands than we were overwhelmed with fidget-themed exercise videos as entrepreneurs and fitness gurus alike tried to cash in on the study's findings. Look for a similar spate of Napping DVDs any day now.

(ed.note: video at left featured participants in various states of repose twitching rhythmically to pop music of the 60's and 70's)

This is Really Happening People! (Anna Nicole's Myth)

Come and listen to a story 'bout Anna Nicole

She felt at home with a G string and a pole

But then one day she decided to pose nude

Next thing ya know she's marryin' some dude

(Old that is, billionaire, tortoise-like)

Well she had no talent, couldn't sing or act

She earned her keep being blonde and really stacked

The old guy died and he left her his estate

But the stress of litigation made her gain a lot of weight

(bloated that is, krispy kremes, haagen dazs)

So she signed with TrimSpa and lost a hundred pounds

Slept with lots of opportunist clowns

Made quite a splash on reality TV

And showed her life for what it was, a tragicomedy

(alcohol that is, sex and drugs, more sex and drugs)

Anna was a victim of her own success

A lifestyle fueled by ridiculous excess

A lousy childhood and a chronic lack of love

Let's hope she finds some peace in the heavens above.

(the ultimate rehab, set a spell, take yer clothes off)

photo -top row L to R: J. Howard Marshall; old,dead, rich ex-husband, Larry Birkhead girlish, potential dad #5 of daughter Danniellyn, Judge Larry Seidlin; robed nutcase.

bottom row: Virgie Arthur; estranged, lumpy mother, Howard K. Stern; lawyer, lover, enabler, Anna Nicole Smith

original photo courtesy of CBS

Please...Don't Wake Me Up!!!

I've only been disconnected from the web for a few days but during that time it seems as though I drifted into a reverie where the bizarre and illogical fantasies of my subconscious became some sort of hyper-reality. I dreamt of a restless spotlight, it's bright beam never focusing for more than a minute: 1st it trains itself on a diaper clad astronaut bent on revenge only to be whisked over to the tragic death of former nude golddigger Anna Nicole Smith but wait....now it spies the even more tragic life of Brittney Spears as she checks in and out of rehab before shaving her head, going in and out of rehab yet again and...whoa....now it's back at Anna Nicole and a crying judge named Larry has finally decided where to bury her rapidly decomposing body.

Please, don't bother writing in with your analyses. These were clearly the result of random misfirings in my cerebral cortex and any attempt to make sense of them will surely end in failure. I was really enjoying the daydreams until I was brought back to reality by a little something in my comment section that prompted some investigation and revealed a disturbing hoax. Here's the comment:

Shannon O., Chicago said... Dear Blob,I am a first time inquirer, long time reader.What I'd like to know is, what are the mechanics and philosophy of gerbil stuffing? How are the gerbils inserted and retrieved? Don't they bite and scratch? Why not hamsters or snakes? Is this a common practice? My curious friends and I await your reply with bated breath. --Shannon O., Chicago

I was overjoyed at finally having penetrated the Chicago market and was getting set for a great answer with some initial photoshopping (and a reasonable premise based on the gerbils penchant for tunneling into the warm soil of their native Gobi desert) when my research led me to Cecil Adams and his well known column; The Straight Dope and then to a question from one Shannon O. (what a tangled web we weave...) the very same that was copied and pasted verbatim into my comment section. Imagine my diappointment; no reader from Chicago, no reason for a well formed answer. If you must know then go here. I can't be bothered to explain. http://tafkac.org/animals/gerbilling/gerbils_gerbils_and_more.html

BTW After a lot of noodling around I think I have a fairly solid internet connection so there'll be more Blob to come. It's late now so I think I'll give it a rest, maybe watch a little CNN before hitting the sack, see if anything intersesting is happening in the news.

Technical Difficulties, Perseverance, Rage, resignation....

The title of this post pretty well sums up my week and I'd not be speaking to you today were it not for the drastic measures I've taken. After trying everything to get back online including spending 1/2 an hour on the phone with a helpless and not-at-all helpful tech support lad I decided to resort to the dangerous and barely understood "System Restore" (think of regression therapy for your comp). I don't know why I wasn't able to access Internet Explorer but system restore helps bring me back to a time before what I'll heretofore refer to as "the great upheaval". I'd seen time travel before; Superman spinning the world backwards, Marty McFly and his souped up Delorean, Homer Simpson and his toaster, but I hadn't actually attempted it myself. Desperate, wary, yet undaunted I undertook the process hoping only that I wouldn't somehow be trapped in the whirling vortex of the time/space continuum only to be spat out God knows where.....a naked gladiator ready to do battle, a scantily clad serf paying allegiance to my feudal Seigneur, naked and cold in a Stalinist era women's gulag....I didn't care, I had to get back to The Blob!!

A few clicks of the mouse later and the deed was done. My computer was whole again and I was none the worse for wear (strangely I no longer need eyeglasses or Cialis). I am in fact on my 2nd round of system restoring because it works but only temporarily so. This afternoon I will get a hold of the best anti-virus software money can buy and get back to the serious business of Blobbing. After all, there's so much to comment on and the world doesn't stand still just because my computer is on the fritz..........or does it????

Let's Take This Baby for a Spin!

Dixxx said...
I have found a device that may be of interest to readers of the blob. Should things get hot and heavy tonight, here is an idea that may serve you well 9 months from now.colitz.com/site/3216423/3216423.htmWhat an age we live in!

For those of you too lazy to check out this link here is what all the fuss is about. Look carefully and you'll be able to make out a woman in a centrifuge about to deliver a baby. This is an actual U.S. patent developed but never, how should I say, brought to term, in the mid 1960's. Besides 5 diagrams there is also a long technical treatise which basically asserts that the modern North American woman (of 50 years ago), far more sedentary than her evolutionary ancestors, needs the help of centrifugal force to ease the trauma of childbirth. In principle a great idea so what went wrong? I thoroughly checked out the patent application, had some of the Blob research crew go digging around in the U.S. Patent Bureau archives, and I believe we've come up with an answer....a combination of design flaws and the inventor's misunderstanding of human anatomy.

In early tests a startling 17% of babies flew out of the vagina and crashed against the containment cylinder....you'll thank me for sparing you the photos of the newborns after they sluiced down to the floor. Even after the addition of strategically placed pillows there was no way to keep mothers from fainting (diminished bloodflow to the brain) or from the baby's delicate digestive system ending up in it's chest cavity.

The centrifuge was never marketed but a later, retooled version saw limited success as a fecal disimpaction machine. Soon enough, however, both doctors and patients alike realized that there was no replacement for a skilled nurse with a knowing hand and a lubricated rubber glove. The bottom line is that science marches on but with the occasional, and often fascinating, misstep.

Happy Valentine's Day

I awoke this morning full of expectation and wonder, another Valentine's day was upon us. Even though here in the Northeast we're in the throes of our 1st major winter storm I remain undaunted and filled with love. As luck would have it the strong winds make for a driving, horizontal snowfall which I figure will just blow everything over to the neighbours (happy shovelling suckah!!!) but this for me is a mere bonus.

As someone firmly ensconced in a long distance relationship I of course will be spending today alone. I get to avoid the hackneyed "flowers, chocolates, dinner, concessionary sexual practices routine" (Hallmark conducted a recent poll that indicates that globally there are more instances of sodomy and other deviant sex acts between established couples onValentine's Day than any other day of the year with the local exception of Holland's Ass-sexeDag) but I still take the time to add a few of the little touches that make today so special: a 3rd cake of Shredded Wheat, a double dose of Febreze for those "hard to clean" areas of my house, and who knows, I may even call in sick today for work! As light and gay as I feel though I've been buoyed further still by news from the world of science....it appears male sweat has aphrodisiac qualities!!

I'm no scientist but I am somewhat of a sweathog, indeed I can work up a healthy glow just thinking about getting off the couch to fetch the morning paper from my front porch.

While I haven't read the report I feel that I can readily support these findings with my own empirical evidence from a recent trip to Colombia. The air was tropical and humid, the average daily temperature was 33 (low 90's) and I was a walking rainforest...how then to explain my inordinate success with the ladies! Once again science provides the answers and speaking of science, check out this video dealing with the cultivation of psychotropic fungi to help put you in a holiday mood. Have a happy day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udMReG1mwyk

Canadian (mal)Content

Canada is by and large a socialist country and as a taxpayer who enjoys reaping the benefits of our mostly equitable system I can't complain (I can and will but hang on a sec). I love the free health care, cheap prostitutes, and home veal subsidies(....what?...you didn't know about those??) and I'm able to spend a lot of time working on The Blob rather than search for employment because of our social safety net which is all the security I need! I was what you'd call a self-satisfied Canadian until I got this in the mail:

Ist of all what kind of name is Konrad Von Finckenstein (no joke!!) and how did he get to be chairman. I thought I was doing pretty well in the CanCon department and now this. With Big brother breathing down my neck I suppose I'll have to put a more Canadian slant to things. That shouldn't present too much of a problem but feel free to complain if it does. Let's start with a look at Canadian talent and ingenuity that will be sure to please Mr. so called Von Finckenstein.

http://www.jokeroo.com/extremevideos/human_can_opener_crazy.html

More Cool Stuff and a Minor Beef

I don't know what you're supposed to call the brother of your girlfriend so I'll just refer to him as Dan (which also happens to be his name). Anyways Dan sent me an email featuring the chalk sidewalk drawings of Julian Beever and they freaked me out. I found a short film on youtube that I'll share with you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyPhCO3LrtQ (so very sorry about the horrible Eurotrash soundtrack) For a better look go to his website: http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm.

As for the beef I'm not at all happy with some trends in fashion terminology i.e. the illogical use of the singular "shoe" or even worse "pant" when referring to a pair of either. I can't stand sentences like "He wore a simple brown shoe with a khaki pant" but because of shows like "Queer Eye" and "What Not to Wear" they are becoming increasingly prevalent. A pair of shoes are definitely 2 things and a pair of pants are arguably 2 things because of the seperate legs but why do we say "a pair of underpants"? They are clearly 1 thing and the fact that they have 2 leg holes won't sway me. After all a shirt has 2 arm holes but we don't say a pair of shirts and a thong has 2 leg holes but we still use the singular and save the term "a pair of thongs" when we want to refer to beach sandals or flip flops.

The problem with the word "underpants" lies with the fact that we are talking about a singular garment that lies beneath a pluralized one; pants. Should we simply say "an underpant" or drop the "pair of" and just say "underpants"? The truly logical choice would be "an underpants" but that's so ungainly and leaves us back at square one. I think I'll go to bed now...my head hurts a lot and clearly I have too much time on my hands.
Maybe one of you out there can straighten this out.

Let's All go a-Travelin' looks at NORWAY

Long overlooked, misunderstood, and misrepresented in the North American media, Norway is quietly leading the way into the 21st century and beyond.

As myth has it the great Norse god Odin slapped a huge handful of clay upside Northern Europe's head and so was born the great nation of Norway.

Approximately the size of New Mexico and with a population of 4.6 million, today's featured country counts itself as one of the most socially and economically advanced on the planet. Vast reserves of fish, oil, and other natural resources combined with an industrious and largely Christian/secular workforce create a dynamic and politically stable atmosphere but this has not always been the case.

We owe the word "Quisling" to the Norwegians and to one man in particular. It means a traitor (and collaborator) and Vidkun Abraham Lauritz Jonnson Quisling was exactly that. Seeing an opportunity to seize power he welcomed the nazi invasion with open arms, broadcast a coup d'etat during the news and within days became little more than a figurehead. He was executed after the war but his name lives on in at least 11 languages.

Other than him there are a handful of famous norskmen: Grieg, Ibsen, Munch, the explorers Amundsen and Heyerdahl, a couple of scientists and political figures.......not many really, sort of pathetic considering there've been people up there for 12,000 years!! Okay, so the 8th to 11th centuries were sort of a golden age when the Vikings ruled the roost. After that there was the plague (loss of 50% of the population...that's gotta hurt! ), political and religious upheaval leading to isolation from the rest of Europe and a couple of lost wars....your basic recipe for under-achievement. A period of cultural nationalism in the 19th century followed by independence in the 20th has now set the stage for Norway to flourish in the years to come.

Visit Norway, meet the friendly people and sample some of the fine food including Lutefisk, which is dried cod steeped in lye, or a steaming cone of whipped herring which can be purchased from street vendors almost anywhere! Three Norwegians have happened across the Blob in the past couple of days (according to my tracking software) and so this shameless travelogue is the result...I'll be expecting a note of thanks from the consulate any day now.

BTW if travelogue is a lecture describing travel what's analogue?

The Springerization of NASA

Okay...so this is another of those obvious targets but in fact it's just the old "love triangle" theme with a few twists thrown in (mental illness, adult diapers, mace, NASA etc.) This is the stuff of tabloid journalism, the bread and butter of the Jerry Springers, Maury Poviches, and Montel Williamses of our world. While these shows deal primarily with the lower socio-economic echelons of society the story in question deals with one of America's best and brightest, hence the heightened interest. It just goes to show, once again, that you can take the trash out of the trailer but you can't take the trailer out of the trash.......ummm no....you can take out of the trash....you can take the girl outta the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park outta the girl....whatever!! My point is that there is a fine line between infatuation and mental illness and not a one of us is immune. Sit back and listen to what happened to me not too many years ago:
If you're a faithful Blob reader you'll recall my weekend tryst (see may26th) with one Michaelle Jean, at the time a well known journalist and today our Governor General. After our camping trip I stopped returning her emails and was soon going out with Phyllis. When the GG got wind of this she started peppering Phyll with late hour prank calls and even showed up at her place of work (I believe she favoured a thong over the diaper) and tried to stab her with a syringe!
Bottom line: Lisa Marie Nowak is just the latest in a long line of spurned, depressed, and smitten women. If she hadn't have been a diaper wearing astronaut we would have never heard of her.