Summer Safety with Turd Stuffington (and Turd jr.)

Hi kids and welcome aboard!! Our mission today is safety and in fact, that should be our mission every day. My son Turd jr. and I have a couple of tips that will help you have a fun yet safe summer.

As crew commander the men who serve under me and I often find it necesarry to engage in dangerous, high risk activities where maximum protection is an absolute must.

Those of you who read my most recent adventure "Turd Stuffington and the MegaGerbils of Zebulon 7" surely know what I'm talking about!

While you kids may not have close calls like that, accidents can happen anywhere. Summer is a season of pool parties, barbecues, tailgate parties (my favorite), or just hanging out in the park at night. Choking and gagging is a constant threat which is why a firm knowledge of the heimlich maneuver is a must. It's the single most important weapon in our safety arsenal. I taught Turd jr.about it and now let him teach you:

Thanks Dad!! I remember that lesson like it was yesterday...stand behind the victim, clasp your hands firmly under the rib cage, use a series of jerking motions with the wrists and whatever blockage was there should come spewing out. We practiced a lot in scouts too so now I'm an expert!! Over and out Dad.

Great work Junior, now let's look at some actual demonstrations of the right way:

The next picture shows the wrong way... The boys and I down at mission control call it the "Heineken maneuver" and to be honest I get very uncomfortable just looking at it...it's just so very wrong.

So kids,this is Turd Stuffington signing out and reminding you to learn the Heimlich properly and maybe even take a first aid course. Help isn't always close at hand and one day, whether you're battling MegaGerbils on the distant planet of Zebulon 7 or saving a buddy at a secluded picnic after he gagged on a piece of meat I'm sure you'd rather be a safety hero than a safety zero!!

Let us Spray

OK everybody, it's time to round up the kids, throw them into the van and head over to your nearest cineplex. Hairspray is this summer's must see hit, a double dose of Dr. Feelgood's Happy Tonic and just the cure for those of us depressed by the slaughter in Darfur and the slow but inexorable death of our planet. This sweetly subversive film is an homage to the idealism of the early 60's and the importance of non-conformity all artfully choreographed to an infectious rock and roll back beat....vive la difference!! When John Waters first began writing this film years ago he had little idea that it would be turned into a broadway musical and then into another movie based on the show. Waters has long been a champion of the underdog (often the transvestite underdog) and his body of work is testament to the power of American popular culture which, despite the urge to conform, always makes room for the rebel with some talent and a cause.

The cherry on top of my cinema sundae was a post-film fact finding mission to the men's lavatory at the insistence of my GF. A mysterious and compelling noise was coming from within (sounded like they were sand blasting a urinal) and as I neared the entrance I'll have to admit that my curiousity was piqued. After washing my hands I sidled over to the air dryer but this was just your regular and ineffective model. Across the room though and looking more imposing and streamlined was The XLERATOR. I placed my wet hands beneath the machine, it detected their presence, and 10 intense seconds later they were bone dry. This was power! This stream of air could clean your driveway, pile your autumn leaves and most likely exfoliated the top layer of skin from my hands. I left the washroom feeling completely dessicated and sanitized, ready to grab the escalator handrail that only minutes before had been held by hundreds of acne infested teenagers. This was the feel good hand dryer of the summer!

Go West Old Man

Looks like I'll be pullin' up stakes bright and early tomorrow and heading out Alberta way for 3 weeks of hard labour under the scorching Prairie sun. The federal government has accepted my GMF (girl friend maintenance) grant proposal so off I'll go at dawn's crack.
Those of you familiar with The Blob will know that the Alberta situation is not the best for blogging what with the slow dial-up connection. The posts will be forthcoming but maybe more sporadic. Perhaps a couple of parting thoughts before I take wing:
The Tour de France (dubbed the Tour de Farce by every clever columnist in the western world) is about to be dismantled after the incredible spate of positive doping tests have cast their pall over the hallowed event. Organizers have been tinkering with the idea of accepting drugs (check out the proposed T shirt) and blood doping so that we may once again have an even playing field but because of fierce opposition this will never happen.
The race is being called a joke so why not play up its comedic possibilities, after all, the pairing of clowns, acrobats, or stuntmen and bicycles has long been a circus staple. Thanks to America's Funniest Home Videos and the internet the "face plant" is finally getting it's due. Let's get in on the joke...the elite Tour de France, long held aloft on its shining pedestal has slipped on the banana peel of ignomy and fallen face first into the cream

pie of shame. Turn the bike race into a form of lowbrow entertainment and families will return in droves. After all, we know that circus folk are some of the most drug infested folk around but we've been bringing our kids to see them strut their stuff for years! Organizers of "The Tour"...wouldn't you rather have us laughing with you??

It's come to my attention that former prime minister Pierre Eliott Trudeau has been voted Worst Canadian Ever in a recently conducted poll. I couldn't care less. What really irked me though was the thoughtless inclusion, high up on the list, of Celine Dion. She's been fair game for years and has routinely been ridiculed by the press and the public but I for one won't have it!! Sure she has her faults (don't you all?) but look where she came from and what she has become. Poor, uneducated, with a voice of gold; she was discovered by René Angelil who went on to produce her, marry her, and reproduce with her.

Sure she's excessive, maudlin, vacuous, trite, insipid, grating etc. but she has a talent and her career has been expertly guided despite her flaws. She married a much older man and many scoffed calling René little more than a pedophile or opportunist yet they have survived as a couple. Their marriage is a model of devotion and perseverance. Their decision to build a family and have her career conform to this new paradigm is noteworthy in this age of self-centered starlets and aging lotharios. In Celine we have a true and worthy role model. Let's stop laughing at her, let's be proud Canadians and acknowledge that this international gem is one of us!! (I feel better now)

The Pefect Blob

Ok...so I've been fooling around with some new gimmicks...we'll all be the better for it. That music is coming from just a bit further down. Move your cursor over the speaker icon on the bottom left and click until you see something happen and then click again...keep clicking until that God forsaken music stops!!! It's driving me crazy!!Click some more...STOP IT!!! STOP the music!!!

A Retrospective - One Man's Total Waste of Time is Another Man's Entertainment

I'll be heading out west in a couple of days so I thought that now would be a good time to take a nostalgic look back at some of the themes and personalities that have made The Blob an international success story. It's by no means comprehensive so don't go complaining if I left out one of your favorites. Just sit back and enjoy the succession of images (set to music mind you!!)
BTW I chose the soundtrack music becuase of it's ironic and annoying qualities. Feel free to mute it using the speaker icon on the bottom left of the screen.

Recipe for Success....Cooking up Some Discipline

A pinch of riding crop, a dash of Bible, and a heaping dollop of firm resolve. This is the recipe I will use when assuming ownership of Stubbington's Reformatory later this fall. Idyllically situated at Haverthwaite on Bartons this model of Victorian era functional architecture will undoubtedly become the Betty Ford Centre of homes for troubled and attractive young women. Whether renamed as The Blob Academy or The Blob School for Wayward Girls (as yet to be determined) this institution will continue the tradition of founder Bettina Sternhagen (a proud yet unmarried woman of royal lineage) who stated famously "A young girl's buttocks must have upon them the blessed imprint of the Lord's hand lest it be replaced with the foul mark of Satan."

Truer words have never been spoken and with this approach it's only a matter of time before most of today's lost generation of starlets is set straight. Let's face it...Paris, Nicole, Lindsay, Britney and the like have made a mockery of rehab treating it more as a PR op or a 2 day break from partying and paparrazi than as the life altering experience it was meant to be.

At the Blob School there will be no such revolving door. Your child will remain with us until her spirit is competely broken and she emerges as a polite, empathetic, and delightful young lady ready to tackle the heavy demands of fame and fortune without resorting to the alcohol fueled, "cry for help" type of behaviour that got her locked up in the 1st place.

There are still several available openings for dedicated educators, pillow fight facilitators, bath house supervisors etc. If you are qualified and interested please contact us at 1-800-SPAN-KME

Once There Were Role Models, Now...Parole Models

Kate Hepburn busted on a DUI?. Audrey Hepburn flashing her beaver as she exits a car on her way into a club?? Meryll Streep's ex releases her lurid, home-made sex video???

Of course these are all preposterous scenarios....utterly unthinkable for these ladies of grace, dignity, and talent. These were the role models of yesteryear who have been replaced today by young women of questionable talent and virtue.
Today our children are emulating the likes of Lindsay Lohan (the soon-to-be jailed, alcoholic, bad girl), Paris Hilton(the recently jailed, talentless, heiress), and Britney Spears (the burnt out, white trash, disaster).

Our sons and daughters are ill served by people like this but I still believe that redemption is possible. Why only last year (archives dec. 15th) I reported on perrenial Mendy winner Ytterbium. His 1st brush with fame led to some questionable behaviour but he soon turned it around and became an element of irreproachable moral fibre. Now word comes, and it hurts to report this, that following last years Mendy loss to Polonium, Ytterbium had a major relapse. According to physicist Harold Schenk of FermiLab he looked like a mere isotope of his former self; "He came in to the lab and it was clear that he's been drinking and staying out way too late...I mean, we actually had to bombard him with a proton beam for almost an hour before we could get him into the plasma chamber!!"

Hard to believe as that may sound this recent photo, courtesy of FISSION Magazine, seems to back up Dr. Schenk. To be fair Ytt is radioactive and as such rather unstable but the trappings of fame and celebrity are so enticing nowadays that even the most inert among us is at risk of taking the wrong path.

Admittedly, we at this site occasionally stray into some dangerous waters but as captain of the good ship Blob I endeavour at all times to head for the calm currents of good taste and wholesome, family fare.

Landmark Show Reaches 5000th Performance Milestone

Some 15 years ago an unassuming little show premiered on Broadway with a cast of talented unknowns and a director/creator who had a dream and a vision. Today EUPH!!! has become something of an institution. It's been performed in over 75 countries and translated into dozens of languages including Esperanto for a UN Day celebration in The Hague.

The show's beginnings were inauspicious to say the least. After a pre-opening run in Boston one critic wrote "Am I wrong or was there an actual physical smell emanating from the Beacon Theatre last night at the premiere of EUPH!!!?"

Dialogue was tightened, two songs cut, a rousing finale added and the rest is history. Now it's not uncommon to walk down the street and hear someone whistling "You're a Blowhard, Mr. McFarlane" or "October in Dusseldorf"

The play itself is actually a series of vignettes that spans several generations and locales. The stories, whether tragic, poignant or comedic all deal with love and other aspects of the human condition with the humble euphonium acting as the common, unifying thread.

"We took a largely under-appreciated instrument and built the show from the ground up" noted producer Burt Sheissman. After all, the euphonium doesn't have the caché of the violin or piano....there were a lot of doubters needless to say. There was also a major geek factor to consider but after that 1st night though, when the audience was doubled over laughing at "The Spit Valve Song"(sure your instrument is hollow, but couldn't ya just swallow?) or stood as one after "EU.S.A. Hooray" well.....we knew we had something special on our hands.

The Blob congratulates EUPH!!! and all those who have collaborated over these many years on a job well done!

Gimme an S, Gimme an A etc.

"First of all, I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I went to catholic school! How could I possibly have written something so blasphemous??" Maria Callous aka Erica M, UnderworldPrincess

If you're like me then morbid curiousity keeps drawing you back to The Blob's comment section for the verbal pas de deux between the young and voluptuous Maria Callous and the aging yet spry Mikexxxster.

I've been acting as moderator and occasional arbiter but now you can add private dick to my list of occupations (or detective if private dick conjures up unhealthy images).

The Internet is the greatest democratizing force in the history of the universe and while virtually anyone may make any claim they wish, as is evidenced by the bold print above, anyone else (me in this case) may equally use the same Internet as a research tool and print a counter claim...and this for all the world to see!

That's our Maria 2nd from the left on the DVD cover and a quick fact check at the Amazon.com database reveals her teenage penchant for literature dealing with vampirism, necromancy, and in particular the works of Anne Rice. Her protestations about attending Catholic school are pretty laughable in light of this evidence and it appears these institutions aren't exactly the bastions of goodness that they purport to be. Thanks to my research I've discovered a whole sub-genre of films devoted to that very topic. The debauchery, forbidden lust, humiliation, and nun-on-nun action that goes on was news to me but frankly I'm not surprised. Good taste prevents me from linking to these films but trust me, they are truly troubling. Religious surpression of human sexuality often leads to perversion and yes....even at our finest Catholic girl's schools!! This discord between the sacred and the profane that must exist within most nuns is well represented here in this film clip featuring Kate Winslet and Ricky Gervais: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k65iVJaLsro

Of course the best way to illustrate my point is with a link to the films I've mentioned but I cannot in good faith inflict this decadence on my readership. I did it once with the Paris Hilton in prison video and took a lot of flack so I suppose it's time to back down....wait a sec....what about my journalistic integrity?? Freedom of the press for heaven's sake??!!?! Damn the critics, here's the clip http://www.jess-franco.com/html/nonne/nonne-trail.html but be forewarned, it contains graphic scenes of female nudity, degradation, sadism, and unholy lesbianism....HEY where'd everybody go???

She HAD to Ask!!

Dear Blob, (asks WestCoastGal)

What do you think of the new religion of Drum Circles?

Don't think I haven't heard the whispers; "Sure he mocks euphoniums and trombones but what about his instrument. Why do the drums get a free ride???" True, I'm a percussionist by trade and equally true, there's been precious little in the way of ridicule about my instrument of choice. Leave it to WestCoastGal to get the ball rolling and with no less a topic than drum circles. Some of you may not be familiar with the term so let's listen to Grateful Dead drummer Mickey Hart explain: "Typically, people gather to drum in drum "circles" with others from the surrounding community. The drum circle offers equality because there is no head or tail. It includes people of all ages. The main objective is to share rhythm and get in tune with each other and themselves. To form a group consciousness. To entrain and resonate. "

Got that?...basically it's a percussion jam session where anyone who can get to the chosen venue with some sort of drum is allowed to participate regardless of ability and at it's best it has a lot to offer. These events can be therapeutic and fun and are often used for team building workshops. Sometimes they have an expert who acts as a facilitator and other times they don't...the music is allowed to evolve organically and players can join in as the see fit. Of course, just like every other good idea we've come up with we also find a way of screwing it up.

What drum circles often end up being for some are a way to meet free-spirited,braless, hippie chicks and self-absorbed, would be belly dancers and if not to meet then simply to ogle unabashedly. I don't have any proof but I bet pedophiles love these things too because lots of people try to re-enact the 60's by letting their little ones dance around nude. Check out this video and play spot the lecher: http://drumdude.net/SIESTADANCE9.htm

As far as it being a religion there's also a whole new age bent to the drum circle movement with paganistic, shamanistic rituals held at the full moon or on solstices, songs to the earth goddess and a return to one's primal self after a long day at the office. Nothing too offensive but these drummers have bestowed upon themselves the ponderous title "Community" which means there's money to be made: getaway drumming weekends, books of songs and rhythms, special drums, T shirts and a host of other paraphernalia.

Don't get me wrong...usually all you need is one or two strong drummers and a host of others willing to follow and stay out of the way and this can be an amazingly fun time. More often than not you'll get some attention starved guy who can't keep a beat ruining the activity for everyone else (We call these guys Circle Jerks).

Trained percussionists stay away from these things unless they're making some cash as a facilitator, need an excuse to get away from the wife, or are cruising for hippie chicks, because they aren't that much fun for us. It's not about snobbery though....if you taught English Lit. you might well go to a book club meeting but probably not one where they'd be discussing Jackie Collins' Drop Dead Gorgeous.

So go to a drum circle, have a great time, but don't forget to pay respect to the roots of this tradition. Here's how they do it in Senegal: (Ed. note- you may want to let the clip load and skip ahead to the 3 minute mark) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTDC7hJEqT4&mode=related&search=

God Week Continues at The Blob - Afterthoughts on the Afterlife

This has been a pretty blasphemous week here at The Blob and the rational part of me is okay with that. It's that other part of me, the part that knows no reason (no, not that part) that is nagging at me. What if there is a heaven and even worse, a hell!! How will I explain all this? What could I possibly say in my own defence?

"Well you see it was the new millenium, close to the end of the 1st decade of it anyways, like 06-07ish....OK, OK I'll get on with it!! Sorry your majesty. Anyhoo,(nervous laughter) there were all sorts of religion bashing, God denying books on the best seller lists and I just happened to read one by Cristopher Hitchens.......yes sir, your Kahuna-ness....the arrogant, drunken, British asshole. That's exactly right. I'm not surprised you knew mind you, but still...... At the time I was a bit taken with some of his points and I suppose I felt a bit emboldened by his dogmatic style. I mean, he sounded so sure of himself!! Long story short, I had this Blog I was writing...yes sir The Blob was it's name....why thank you your Lordship!!!!! Anyways, buoyed by Hitchens I wrote some awfully blasphemous stuff and by the end of the week was feeling so guilty that I started having nightmares. In one of them I had a vision of hell that was so terrifying that not even Satan himself could imagine an eternity presiding over that infernal domain. It pretty much scared me straight and that's when I decided to join the priesthood. Please don't send me down there, I'm begging you!!!!"

Cross Marketing

Taking a cue from Pope Benedict and his use of fries to attract new followers from among the ranks of junk food junkies, McDonald's Corp. will be going after the massive Catholic market with ads that have just been granted the all important Vatican seal of approval.

The new campaign will feature likenesses of the present Pope and the wildly popular Pope John Paul II and, according to sources at L'Osservatore Romano, is reminiscent of the old Bud Lite "Tastes great-Less filling" spots.

"This is symbiotic advertising at its finest" clucked McD's CEO Charlie Bell. "It's truly a corporate/religious marriage made in heaven!!...I'm sure Jim would approve" he continued wistfully in reference to Jim Cantalupo, the former CEO who died 3 years ago(not surprisingly) from a heart attack at age 60.

Ratios in the News

According to the latest census data released Tuesday by Statistics Canada, the national sex ratio is 95.9 men for every 100 women, down from 96.1 men to 100 Canadian women in 2001. The new statistics show that a Canadian woman's odds of finding a man are on a downward slide. The male-female ratio hasn't been even in Canada for 35 years.

The news for single women just keeps getting worse. StatsCan failed to mention that the crucial Jerk to Decent ratio is also widening as there are presently only 18.5 decent men for every 100 of those deemed less than desireable. (these men split more or less evenly among the Jerk, Fool, Slob, and Asshole categories with many examples of overlap)

"It's a problem that's here to stay" says Mindy Wexler, spokeswoman for SingleSolutions.com. "More and more it's going to come down to marketing yourself successfully. Good, available,men are becoming a limited resource so now that the warm weather is here you have to get out there and flaunt it. Loosen a button or two, lose a few pounds, hike up your skirt, lose the panties, shave everything, lower your expectations and then lower them again. Above all go where the men are: gun and/or car exhibitions, sporting events, the Klondike, pride parades, out of the way highway rest stops. You have to be creative!"

Another Ratio

The Pugh Center for Media Relations has just released results of an important study that's charted the steady decline of American popular culture as a measurable commodity. Stephan Lundquist, noted sociologist and media critic who headed up the study says that the ratio of high quality TV programming, film, and printed material to low is .85 hours for every 100. Down from the 1.35 hours during the Seinfeld era. "We had a slight upturn during the first season of LOST and through the Arrested Development years but those proved to be anomalies and were quickly overshadowed by loathsome reality shows and commercial pressures that prioritize the dumbing down of mass media....I hear they're bringing back The Bionic Woman so maybe there is some hope for the future after all."

Yet Another

Lastly we have 60-40 as in the ratio of cardboard to fatty pork in certain Chinese dumplings. Read on:

Latest China food scare: Bogus buns
Fake steamed buns made from up to 60 per cent waste paper and cardboard have become the latest food to join a growing list of health scares in China. To get the right consistency the cardboard was shown being soaked in caustic soda, a poisonous industrial solvent.
The owners told the reporter they then mixed it with about 40 per cent fatty meat and the flavour enhancer monosodium glutamate before selling the bao zi in nearby markets.

To be fair to the Chinese, (and I'm nothing if not fair to the Chinese) caustic soda or lye is also used in the Norwegian dish lutefisk (see Blob archives april 9,10, 2007) and in some pretzel recipes. Rinsing the finished product well renders it fairly harmless. Cellulose fibre, a major constituent of finely chopped cardboard, is a common N. American food additive. Nevertheless the international hew and cry over this story has caused the Chinese government major headaches. We in the west can tolerate poor quality if the price is right and China's low cost labour force and collective genius at cutting corners has resulted in a flood of shoddy goods in our stores. We are more than willing to pay bottom dollar so once again the real problem China is having is one of marketing. In the States they get away with advertising Nutella as a health food so the Chinese shouldn't change the paper dumplings, just rebrand and think a little more upscale, a little more health conscious. I'm sure we'd eat reams of them!

El Papa de todas las Papas (fritas)

Maria Callous said...
Blob, am I the only one who thinks that pope benedict XVI looks like a frickin child molester? When I first saw his picture in the paper after the non-threatening-looking pope died, I thought, oh boy, this priests and alter boys thing is not going to dissipate as I'd hoped. I think we should inaugurate a giant french fry to be our spiritual leader!

A reasonable assumption Maria given his sinister look, conservative mindset, and supposedly celibate lifestyle but we have to be careful when we're casting aspersions. It's sometimes the innocent looking Popes who are the most guilty. As far as your "giant french fry" idea I'm sorry to say that brilliant as it is, His Holiness is already one step ahead of you. Even as he re-instated the old Latin mass he was looking ahead and instituting a major new marketing coup.While not yet an official papal edict, Pope Benedict hopes that his 21st century style communion will spread quickly and attract thousands of fast food junkies to his potentially super-sized flock. Converting to Catholicism has never even crossed my mind but if they included fries with that (and on a weekly basis mind you!) well....you never know.

The Pope be Kickin' the Mass Old School!

You must have heard by now; Pope Benedict has decided that the time is ripe for a return to the Latin Mass. Now I'm no Christian but it seems to me like this may not be the best way to attract new churchgoers. To His Holiness' credit he did at least agree to expunge a traditional prayer beseeching God to help Jews convert to Catholicism lest they end up "rotting in Satan's boiling excrement for eternity". A hearty Blob thank you to Pope Benedict.

I still think that all houses of worship have to market themselves accordingly and speak the language of the people. This sign spotted outside of an Oklahoma church is a perfect example; an age old message with a modern twist. I hear they have their own DJ and cotton candy for the kids...standing room only every week!!

I suppose I could go on about this subject but frankly it's late, I just got home from playing hockey, and I'm exhausted. "Boo hoo" I can hear you cry mockingly, "we want to be amused, make us laugh clown boy!!"

Now I'm feeling guilty so...when in doubt turn to YouTube. Here are a couple of classic moments brought to us by American Pop Culture.....I'm going to bed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqGN6aWKYUI clip one; a brilliantly constructed work of art. Shelly Berman is the dad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10F2tJE2Iv0&mode=related&search= Clip 2 has Larry David, (the ultimate lapsed Jew who can't speak a word of yiddish) currying favor with someone who is way more orthodox.

In Praise of Older Men

Mikexxxster asks: Here's the question-why is adam so much more buff than the deity who made him?

What he was really getting at was an issue addressed in a later comment by newcomer Maria Callous, namely Adam's extremely small penis as depicted by Michelangelo on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

As we all know, artisitic depictions of the male member during antiquity and through the Renaissance were less than ostentatious as the various painters and sculptors were trying to appeal to a higher ideal. With this in mind one can still look at Adam and ask: "What the hell ??" Indeed the exceedingly small organ has led some to speculate that Pope Julius II (who commissioned the work in 1508) had ordered Michelangelo to paint Adam thusly to assuage the misery and embarrassment caused by his own legendary shortcomings. Archbishop Jacopo di Firenza famously remarked upon seeing the tiny papal penis for the 1st time: "Abbiamo nostro primo Papa della donna!" (We have our 1st woman Pope!). More likely though is the fact that this is a depiction of Adam before the fall and Michelangelo has chosen a baby's penis as a symbol of innocence.

As for buffness and a concern that Mikexxxster has with God's unkempt hair and beard, again we have to look no further than basic symbology. In the painting God is significantly older than Adam yet they are both equally muscular and well defined. He is clearly a patriarchal figure and his huge mane indicates that he is the alpha male that he should very well be. This is NOT a hygiene problem! The cloth draped demurely over the Lord's midriff was a late addition, again at the insistance of Pope Julius who became livid at the sight of "Il nostro signore con il pene di un bue" (Our Lord with the penis of an ox.)

Maria Callous in another post bemoaned her current single status and wonders how hanging around with her parents and their witty, older male friends will help her find the boy toy that she needs. Michelangelo portrays God as an older man because he knew something that Maria does not. The mature male makes an authoritative subject for an important work of art and in life this power borne of experience is often coupled with other desirous qualities: a comfort with his own neuroses, a knowledge of self not present in younger men, an acceptance of his own failures that leads to a more rational prioritizing of life's sundry elements, and occasionally a fortune accrued after many years of hard work. It takes a young woman of uncommon maturity to recognize these features and act accordingly....Look carefully Maria.....are older men who stop by your house only be there to mooch your parent's booze?

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

That's me and my new Simpson's avatar. "Have I been keeping my cameo role in the upcoming movie a secret?" you ask. Before I get to the answer I just want to share my disappointment in the movie with you even before I've seen it. I'll probably be going even though I know better and living as I do not too far from Springfield, VT and the world premiere I may just go pitch a tent outside the smallish theater's box office 5 or so days early to prepare for the big letdown.
Over the last several years the writers have gotten lazy and formulaic. The movie format may not be the right fit for a 30 minute cartoon and the relentless Hollywood hype machine is already making promises that no movie can keep. Still, what with Iraq, global weather woes, and a plague of rampant lesbian prison sex we could all use a good laugh. Let's hope for the best....oh yeah, the avatar. Unfortunately I won't be appearing in the film. Just go here: http://www.simpsonsmovie.com/main.html and look for the "create your own avatar" button at the top of the screen. You too can create a reasonable Simpson style facsimile of yourself or a loved one.

A Cry for Help

Ken Dryden said...
[obviously drunk] Bloob -Thank so much for making a dreary Wensday so exciting. [starts crying] It's just that I'm so lonely. Evenings spent alone now. Rejean Houle says I'm aloof. ALOOF. You believe that? Gotta go watch the girl prison trailer again. Need sleep.



Ken Dryden, MP





The hockey goaltender; perhaps the most difficult and solitary position in all of sport and there is no more iconic image than that of Ken Dryden who immortalized this pensive pose (see photo) during his dominant years with the mighty Canadiens in the 70's.


"Those were some great years, the Stanley Cups, the parades and adulation, it was heady stuff." reminisced the lanky Ontario MP. "Still, I can't honestly say that I had a lot of friends on the team. I was one of a small group that could actually read and did so frequently to calm my nerves before games....I didn't have a lot in common with the other guys. I mean, Reggie Houle used to enjoy carving pieces of soap with a small penknife while joking around with the boys, Doug Riseborough was missing a part of his cerebral cortex!!...I'd be off in a corner reading Morley Calahan. It wasn't long before I started drinking."


Dryden left hockey and turned to politics all the while keeping his drinking problem a secret from family, friends, and constituents. In retrospect a series of endorsement ads he did may have been a warning signal:

The latest letter from Dryden indicates that things are getting worse. An unsuccessful run for the leadership of his party, a nagging weight problem, and an issue with perceived aloofness are all part of the mix. Now it's time for The Blob to step up to the plate and lend a helping hand. I'm planning an intervention/BBQ for the 12th of August but SHHHH...it's a surprise.
RSVP
I know that many of my readers and contributors have problems with alcohol addiction. I'm sure Ken would appreciate any advice or words of encouragement that you could offer.

An Important Message from the Editor in Chief

We've received several complaints of late about the post of June 7th, 2007. If you'll recall it dealt with Paris Hilton's incarceration and purported to show a trailer for a film based on said events. Within a day or two this link was no longer working and those who missed the clip were quite upset what with the promise of exploitive female nudity and girl on girl sexual activity. We've gone back to the post in question and reformatted the link so now you'll be able to enjoy all the forced prison sex and "caged heat" that was.....Hey!! where'd everybody go??!!??

God and the French Fry

"On the fourth day God created the potato and it was good. On the fifth day didst he fry it in a deep and seething pool of oil from the tree of olives adding thence salt from the sea unto the whole and it was indeed better still."

A recent reading of Cristopher Hitchen's "God is not Great" has got me thinking about our heavenly father again and seeing everything in the context of proving or disproving his existence.

Yesterday at twilight a mother raccoon and her two kits crossed through my yard as fireflies luminesced all around me. The beauty of this scene, were I more devout, would surely have confirmed my beliefs in a supreme being but being an agnostic I was just happy to be witnessing a confluence of events guided by eons of evolution.

Today it's french fries. We all love them, I've been all over the world, I know this: Everybody loves a good fry! More than a husband's love for his wife, a mother's for her child, or God for his flock, our devotion to the french fry is perhaps the best example of unconditional love there is!

Empty, starchy calories, artery clogging fat, and add-ons such as gravy, cheese, salt, and mayonnaise, french fries are the wife beater of side dishes. They are terrible for us, damaging to us, and yet we keep coming back for more and love them just as much each time we dig in.

If God exists then he made them knowing full well that they'd be irresistible and even deadly. Isn't life hard enough already? Aren't ther enough tests, trials, and tribulations. Couldn't he have decided that fries would be if not good for us then at least benign?

Let's try a thought experiment (gedankenexperiment) a la Einstein. You're driving along having just stopped at a drive thru for lunch. You were very hungry and you know that you'll need every ounce of your McTrio to get you through the afternoon as you devour the burger and fries. You're on the freeway now, finished your meal but not entirely full when you reach into the bottom of the bag to check for the so called bonus fries. To your delight there are several but the biggest and juiciest somehow falls between your feet on it's way towards your mouth. You insinctively reach down to grab it, your attention wavers, and you steer your car right into the path of an oncoming 18 wheeler killing you instantly. You have died because of a single french fry.

Does God have such a sense of irony that he would allow one of his prize creations to perish so pointlessly. If this was a test and you obviously failed miserably does that condemn you to eternal damnation and if so what kind of God is that??? Is there a divine french fry clause that we don't know about?

Perhaps this more than plausible scenario indicates the lack of a God or a heaven and shows death to be an inevitable process that carries no moral weight....this is where I start to get confused and anxious, maybe some more fries would calm me down. In the meantime you may want to view the aforementioned Cristopher Hitchens and Rev. Al Sharpton debating this very topic but from an angle that's significantly lower in calories: http://www.slate.com/id/2166143?nav=tap3