Hi kids and welcome aboard!! Our mission today is safety and in fact, that should be our mission every day. My son Turd jr. and I have a couple of tips that will help you have a fun yet safe summer.As crew commander the men who serve under me and I often find it necesarry to engage in dangerous, high risk activities where maximum protection is an absolute must.
Those of you who read my most recent adventure "Turd Stuffington and the MegaGerbils of Zebulon 7" surely
know what I'm talking about!While you kids may not have close calls like that, accidents can happen anywhere. Summer is a season of pool parties, barbecues, tailgate parties (my favorite), or just hanging out in the park at night. Choking and gagging is a constant threat which is why a firm knowledge of the heimlich maneuver is a must. It's the single most important weapon in our safety arsenal. I taught Turd jr.about it and now let him teach you:
Thanks Dad!! I remember that lesson like it was yesterday...stand behind the victim, clasp your hands firmly under the rib cage, use a series of jerking motions with the wrists and whatever blockage was there should come spewing out. We practiced a lot in scouts too so now I'm an expert!! Over and out Dad.
Great work Junior, now let's look at some actual demonstrations of the right way:
The next picture shows the wrong way... The boys and I down at mission control call it the "Heineken maneuver" and to be honest I get very uncomfortable just looking at it...it's just so very wrong.
So kids,this is Turd Stuffington signing out and reminding you to learn the Heimlich properly and maybe even take a first aid course. Help isn't always close at hand and one day, whether you're battling MegaGerbils on the distant planet of Zebulon 7 or saving a buddy at a secluded picnic after he gagged on a piece of meat I'm sure you'd rather be a safety hero than a safety zero!!
15 comments:
That Stuffy sure has a smokin' bod. He can maneuver my heiny whenever he wants.
Dear Blob,
In your absence, some fun facts!
1. Cows sweat through their noses.
2. Dentists have recommended that toothbrushes be kept at least six feet from toilets to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
3. Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.
4.Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Chew on those and comment if you please.
Dixxx
yor so rite blobb. I bean two Fansy latly. i no i can rite goode fur youseguys If yule give me on mor chanse.i'M smart.ican doit!brandin willbe my rolmodell,cause hees smarttwo!!!and you willbe prowd cause i'Msmart and look!! i wanto fitt rite in,i can doit,blob!dix is funy!haHa!
Hello, Blob. You'll understand if my greeting is somewhat cool. Your recent comments about my epistolary efforts sting, whether they have the ring of truth to them or not. However. No idle chit-chat today. Two points must be made. Clearly, someone is playing fast and loose with my "nom de plume". Although I am no fan of the taciturn Brandon, I'm sure he's not as bumblingly inept as this poseur implied (albeit in a very humourous fashion). My second, and more important point is that your so-called scientific expert, Spud Turlington, or whatever he calls himself, should be expected to know that "the distant planet Phobos" is neither (in astronomical terms) distant, nor is it a planet. Phobos is actually one of the two natural moons of our neighbouring planet Mars. As editor-in chief, you should be able to count on the expert knowledge of your staff. It seems to me this Turlington is playing you for a fool! Even though our relationship is mildly strained at the moment, Blob, rest assured that I want only the best for you, The Blob, and your readers. Yes, you have wounded me; even so, I extend the hand of friendship. For better or worse, that's just my nature. One final thought...if you're looking for a REAL hero, you needn't look any further than Mervyn Keene, Clubman. He could wipe the floor with your "Spud", intellectually as well as physically. A true hero for the ages.
Thanks for the fun facts Dixxx and a belated welcome back. Here's a crazy coincidence: I'm banned from Finland for the very same reason!!
Maria....glad to know that Cmdr. Stuffington is fantasy fodder for you....still no boyfriend eh?
Mikexxxster that's more like it!!! You may have dumbed down both tone and content a bit too much though (about 10%) but this will only require a minor adjustment. You'll be fitting in again in no time and please....accept my apologies. I think I may have over-chided you which may have resulted in a facetious, petulant quality to your last post. C'mon mister gloomy Gus, let's turn that pout into a smile.......there we go!! Doesn't that feel better??!! Here's a cheery thought for you:
TRANSFORMERS and BRATZ are two big American summer movies (based on their namesake toys!!!) that will earn more money in a few weeks than my entire lineage has amassed since the days when Jesus left his flip-flop prints in the hot desert sand of the promised land.
Point well taken Mikexxxster although the real culprit is author David Jerome who you are no doubt familiar with if you are a true Blob afficionado. Stuffington, being a fictional character like (SPOILER ALERT) Santa Claus has a bit of leeway. Nevertheless I'll be in touch with Jerome...maybe we can wring a correction out of him.
Now then, my previous comment was directed to YOUR previous comment which you now tell me was posted by an impostor!! Pretending to be God is one thing but impersonating the Mikexxxster??? I tell you, sometimes I wish I lived in a police state. This whole thing reeks of Dixxx. (that doesn't sound right...) Is there a field of honour nearby where you guys can settle this once and for all?
Thank you for pointing out my error. The appropriate corrections have already been made. The beloved "Turd Stuffington Adventure Series for Boys" has become somewhat of an institution and while I at times may play hard and fast with the facts let's just say that on this occasion I'd like to invoke "artistic license"...the name PHOBOS practically snapped and popped off the page whereas Zebulon 7 seems a little safe. Still though, a satisfied reader is a return reader so keep those comments and corrections coming.
yours,
D.J.
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Brandon, you're an idiot.
Apologies accepted, ol' Blobbie, ol' pal!! Ahh, it's good to smile again!!! When silly disagreements occur between old friends, one feels, to quote P.G. Wodehouse,"like the toad beneath the harrow". To show my good-will towards you and your estimable Blob, let me say here and now, in public, that your friend Brandon will get no more flak from me- unless of course, it's over the course of the regular give-and-take, the every-day ebb-and-flow of free-wheeling opinion that makes The Blob the wonderful site that keeps us coming back for more! You rock, Blobbie!!! I mean that!!! I really do!!! Here's the thing, though,Blob...you're really going to laugh!!! You might have got just the slightest impression that someone other than me wrote that first post, using my name... who knows how these misunderstandings happen? I'm sure we agree that nothing is to be gained by playing the blame game. Miscommunication is an unhappy fact of life, especially with our hurly-burly, modern lifestyles!! Who's got time for much of anything anymore, right? Oy vey!! I think you'll agree, though, that it COULD have been Dixxx! That's just the type of stunt he might try to pull!!! We should really keep an eye on that guy; he's trouble! Anyhoo, you're doing a bang-up job,Blobele, ol' buddy; boy, that Maria Callous is something, eh?!?!
It's great to see you smiling again Mikexxxster but don't try to drive a wedge between Dixxx and me. My standing policy is to mistrust everyone equally. Oh yeah....Maria C. is something alright. There's a vintage astronaut suit available on EBay that has my name on it and BTW,the bidding is closed!! Now we play the waiting game.
Maria Callous! Hold your fire!! It could be that we've underestimated our new friend Brandon! He's written about a phenomenon I heard discussed on the fine CBC Radio science show, Quirks and Quarks. Clearly, there's more here than meets the eye (and, against all the odds, he could be what they called back in the 80's a Stud Muffin!). Let's face it; your Stuffy (smokin' bod and all) is on the other side of the galaxy fighting the Megagerbil Menace...he's not coming home any time soon......know what I'm sayin'?? Maybe Brandon deserves a turn on the dance floor. Forgive my brutal honesty, but you're not getting any younger!!
Pff look who's talking you old fart! If anyone should lower their standards it should be you! I think, and this comment is directed towards blobby too, that just because I'm without a boyfriend doesn't mean I couldn't get whomever I wanted. And that includes Mr. Turd!... (on second thought, maybe I should raise my standards a bit more) but Stuffy is certainly a dishy suitor, AND knowledgeable! The heimlich maneuver is a very important medical procedure and I sure don't see myself inviting YOU people over to play doctor! Who knows what whacky perversions you guys could come up with (and this isn't a plea for explicitness). From now on I shall hit on whomever I want. It won't be Brandon though. He's a douche. side note Mike, when are we going to lunch?
Hey Blobber- if it were possible to strut like a peacock on the internets, that's what I'd be doing right now!!! Not to brag, but let's hope for your sake that that space-suit arrives sooner rather than later! Maria!! The short answer, of course, is whenever YOU want to!!! There is no long answer. Because of my vow to Blobbie, I have no opinion on your opinion of Blandon. Since you brought up the subject, and just so you know, I do own my own stethoscope! It has proved very useful in the past, and I assure you; I have NEVER been sued for malpractice!!! See you at luncheon!!!
Let's not forget that out here in Alberta I have my own nurse Phyllis...a seasoned practitioner who doesn't rely on medical instruments to get the job done. A skilled diagnostician, she can size up the situation in no time then recommend and implement the proper treatment.
BTW Maria, Cmdr. Stuffington is a great guy on paper but you may be barking up the wrong tree. He's....how should I put this...let's just say that his rocketship isn't the kind that would blast off into your particular orbit.
Uh oh, there's that ache again...nurse Phyllis???!!!
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