The 7 Good Qualities - #2: Reliability

Gerbil Day: A Lesson in Reliability

Every March 2nd Augusto Munoz, a lonely single man from Onansville, Tennesee, emerges from his apartment with his pet gerbil Pépé carefully tucked into the cleft of his buttocks. At the annual ceremony he squats down in front of the assembled local dignitaries to reveal a sizeable plumber's crack and then the waiting begins. Within minutes the tiny and inquisitive rodent emerges...if the weather is temperate enough it will run away and winter will be short lived. If it is too cold he'll return to his cozy hollow and winter will overstay its welcome.

Spring will eventually follow, as welcome and reliable as Augusto and his gerbil. Seasonal traditions, no matter how vile, and especially those based on folk wisdom, help to humanize us all. Let's remember Augusto and little Pépé as we try to be reliable...the 2nd of the "7 good qualities".

The 7 Good Qualities - #1: Loyalty

A wise man once said "A picture is worth 1,000 words" and a somewhat wiser man said "Tastelessness is in the eye of the beholder." With those 2 axioms in mind take a look at this picture and let me know what you think.

I've heard that one of my regular readers, Maria Callous, has found God after not drinking for 7 days in a row so apologies in advance. OK then...here it is:

Now Here's a Great Question!!

Nel said...

Why did I ever stop reading the Blob? It's genius!

As we all know, The Blob is at heart an advice column. It says so in the masthead so it must be true and even though I stray into other areas of commentary and observation I cherish moments like these when a question comes my way....OK, time for my answer.

Few of you know that I spent one summer at the FBI Profiling Camp for Teens. (slogan: We already know who you are) I was very shy and my parents figured that if I wasn't talking to girls at least I'd be able to figure them out from a distance by developing insight into the human psyche and improving stalking and observation techniques. My counselor/trainer was an old FBI operative named Arnold "Lick" Spittleman.
His gruff, world weary demeanor belied a crusty interior and he took me under his wing, teaching me everything that he knew about figuring who people were before knowing them, or without ever getting to know them for that matter.
So....who is this Nel and how can I answer her question:

• She's easily distracted, flighty even -enjoyed The Blob yet stopped reading it.
• She's college age...I'd say early 20's - the phrase "it's genius!" is a dead give away.
• Well educated - most if not all Blob regular readers, even the lapsed ones, are.
• Spontaneous and enthusiastic - exclamation mark usage.
• Somewhat unsure of herself, insecure but with a healthy sexual attitude - the self doubt inherent in the question and again, her love of The Blob.
• Probably a good looking brunette - educated guess/wishful thinking

I plugged these traits plus a few other character elements or "personemes" into my computer's FBI L'il Profiler software and it spat out a few possible examples of what a Nel or Nel-type would look like .
( ed. note: while Blob regular Maria Callous is a good looking brunette, she lacks the appropriate personemes to fit this particular profile)

So, long answer short, Nel is the kind of person who is faithful yet flighty, knows a good thing when she sees it and yet will deny herself pleasure simply because she forgets that she deserves it. Keep on reading The Blob Nel, and Welcome Back!!!

Obama-Valentine's Day-The Interview: Another Blob Exclusive

Preamble from the President of the United States of America:

Why The Blob? Why Valentine's Day? These are questions that would instantly come to mind and let me assure you that I am well aware of this.

Look...The Blob was one of my many grassroots supporters, a blog that backed me 100% after backing Hillary 100% and jumping ship when it became clear that I'd get the nomination. That being said, I have a few thoughts about Valentine's Day that I need to vent, The Blob has an exceedingly small readership so therefore any damage from my possibly incendiary comments will be minimal. Let's begin the interview.

Bl.- Welcome Mr. President, it's an honor and a privilege to have you here and may I add my belated congratulations on your

B.O.- Let's get on with it please...you've probably heard that I'm rather busy these days.

Bl.- Sorry sir. Ok then...I'm just a bit nervous is all (nervous,muffled laughter).

I've heard tell that you have a problem with Valentine's Day...could you elaborate please?

B.O.- Sure. I'm all for celebrating love but it has to be a 2 way street and these days, well, have you seen the commercials on TV? It's always about the man getting something for the woman, never the other way around. I've had a couple of my staffers researching this and they reckon that it's 100% of the ads that skew this way. What are we being told? That women's affection has to be bought with flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, what have you and on the day that we're told?? I haven't bought Michelle a thing on February 14th in years and she's fine with it...trust me on this one.

(Michelle Obama enters office and pulls up a chair)

M.O.- Good afternoon gentlemen (wry wink).

Happy Valentine's Day to the both of you. Barack honey....check under your pillow....you'll be glad you did.

B.O.- What a surprise dear. We were just talking about this special day! But then again I try to make every day Valentine's Day.

M.O.- Not that cop out again. You know that I expect this day to be special darling and I'm sure you're going to surprise me. It's too early in your presidency to be putting our relationship on the back burner and even though you've been fighting like mad to save this economy of ours I know you've taken a couple of minutes to think of me. I'd be pretty upset if you hadn't actually....I'd turn your stimulus package into a severance package if you know what I mean.

B.O.- (nervous, muffled laughter) Well you realize hon that it's not how much you love the people you know, it's how much you know the people you love.

M.O.-President puhleease!!! Spare me the lofty rhetoric....it won you an election but that's about it. I want a dozen roses or some chocolate truffles, maybe a teddy bear on my side of the bed by 9:30 or you can say goodbye to Hot Toddy (ed. note: pet name for her genital area named after Abe Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd) for the rest of this fiscal quarter. (Michelle turns and makes a hasty exit)

BL- As you were saying sir?

B.O.- There's no need to be a smartass now, is there? This interview is over!

BL.- OK Mr. President...I've got a box of chocolates in my car. I bought them for my Mom then remembered that she's a diabetic...OOPS!! (entire room convulses in riotous laughter) Do you want em??

B.O.- Ummm, yeah...sure.

What an interview, what an honour!! I agree that Valentine's day is a crock of shit BUT just to be on the safe side I'm sending out this song to the one I love. I mean every word that these other people have thought of, written down, and set to music. Phyllis...you're the greatest!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alvEUFJtMw8&feature=related

Happy Birthday Charlie

Charles Darwin turns 200 today (yesterday actually, according to my watch) and in the 150 years since the publishing of On the Origin of Species his genius and insight into the workings of nature's hand have been proven time and time again. Indeed, it would be years before biologists and geneticists found the mechanism of genetic mutation which allowed for natural selection to take place.

Undenied prescience yes, but Darwin's theory was never able to account for well documented instances of de-evolution. My premise begins with the postulation, supported by a vast amount of research, that drums were the first musical instrument. Rather than launch into a lengthy explanation I'll use a simple illustration to demonstrate my point....you'll get the

picture.

Watch This!!

Thanks go out to the wonderful composer Robert Jones for this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka-sHA74N40 Words cannot do it justice so just click and enjoy.

In a tangentially related story Muzak Corp. has filed for bankruptcy. The elevator music people once thought to be immune from even the most severe economic downturn may soon be no more. Said company spokeswoman Susan Strepco: "We were as surprised as anyone by the recent numbers...I guess in retrospect switching to an all euphonium format was a bad move."

Where to Begin or: And Baby Makes 15

By now you've all heard about Nadya Suleman, the single mother of 6 who literally gave birth to a litter of 8 more babies. Since a picture of, or comments by her were unavailable we were left to decide by ourselves where we stood on this issue using only our prejudices as our guide. Which of these females do you think is Suleman??:

If you said #4 then you were right.......I mean #2, so you can put those images of a backwards, peasanty, hijab wearing, woman back in the racist drawer where they belong ! (over there, next to the pantry of iniquity)

She finally gave an interview a few days ago. If you missed it here you go: http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=28485500

Listen and judge for yourselves.....the $165,000 settlement she received from Workman's Comp apparently went for collagen injections in her lips...how she navigates through the rest of her life is anyone's guess. How she breast feeds the little one's is a subject I've been worrying about and I may be able to help, thanks to my friends at Wet Nurses Without Borders.

The wet nurse......no , not that kind of wet nurse you losers (you know who you are!!) practices a time honored tradition that in the west was commonly used by royalty, who had too many babies to take care of themselves. As a result, breast feeding came to be looked upon as something poor people did. Now that the health benefits of mother's milk are beyond question finding a real wet nurse is more difficult...this is where WNWB comes in. Buxom young women in the prime of life volunteer their services for the greater good and those like Nadya Suleman will surely benefit. Failing that there's option B: the Milk Bank. Only one such supplier exists in Canada, out West I believe, which means that the time is ripe for someone...maybe me, to open my own. I think I'm the right man for the job, after all, the prudes at FaceBook recently censored a page that featured breast feeding mother's with exposed boobies. This prompted me, apalled as I was, to start the group "Very Immature Men for the Right of Lactating Women to Bare Their Breasts"

I'll hold milk drives, Red Cross style, and be on hand to oversee the operation, even pitching in with the extraction should need be.. Great plan eh?? I'll get to work 1st thing tomorrow but now it's probably a good idea to sleep on it. G'Night all.....

How Low Can You Go??

Say it ain't so Michael Phelps. The American olympic wunderkind is all over the news of late with the recently released photo of him and a bong of some sort, allegedly used for the purpose of inhaling marijuana. His gold medal haul made him an instant international idol to adults as well as legions of kids and now his millions of dollars worth of endorsement deals appear to be in jeopardy. No....not because of a harmless toke, that actually shows that he's cool, according to most ad execs The Blob was able to contact.

My sources at the British rag; News of the World, have sent me tomorrow's front page and it's a doozie!! Apparently the college party Phelps was attending had more than its fair share of marching band geeks and the swimming star, blitzed out of his mind, grabbed a euphonium (possibly a baritone...at press time this was still unclear) and made a complete fool of himself.

He already has a look that some say is a bit doofusy and paired with one of the more lame instruments.....well....companies have been jumping off the Phelps band wagon like fleas off a flaming vole.

He has already issued a statement fresh on the heels of yesterday's grass related one and here it is, reprinted for readers of The Blob:

"I admitted yesterday that my marijuana use was a youthful mistake and will not be repeated, unfortunately the same cannot be said for my ill conceived use of a euphonium. In what amounts to a complete lapse in judgement and good taste I now realize that I have let down so many and may have done irreparable damage to my marketable image as a cool, wildly successful, olympian.

I suppose I could blame the whole unfortunate episode on a childhood marred by sexual abuse and alcoholic parents but this would be too easy. Something else is at play here and I will take the next several months to do some serious soul searching before I am ready to return to the public spotlight. Tomorrow you will see a picture of me playing a euphonium and you will

thing that I'm a gigantic dork. I understand...please forgive me."

Rebusing on a Sunday Afternoon

It's time once again for some rebuses (rebi?) and as always there will be prizes galore for our clever winner. Some of the clues are a tad esoteric but over all these should be a snap. Let's get going then:

It's fun for you and time consuming for me which helps keep me from focusing on the miseries of human existence...enjoy!!

Past winners have included the mayor of Red Deer, Al, young Jeremy Bouw and even younger basement dweller Troy Huber. Good Luck!!